{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_13494/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_13494","id":"gutenberg_13494","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/13494","summary":null,"tags":["Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","Fables, American"],"text":"Fables for the Times.\n\n_By_ H.W. Phillips.\n\n_Illustrated by_ T.R. Sullivant.\n\n\n\n\nContents\n\nThe Baa-Sheep and the Lion\nThe Dog and the Meat\nThe Fox and the Grapes\nThe Fox and the Crow\nThe Ass in the Lion's Skin\nThe Horse and the Oyster\nThe Monkey and the Ass\nThe Merchant and the Fool\nThe Wolf and the Sheep\nThe Ambitious Hippopotamus\nThe Man and the Serpent\nThe Appreciative Man\nOn the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich\nThe Idol and the Ass\nThe Bee and Jupiter\nThe Lion and the Boar\nThe Tiger and the Deer\nThe Old Man, His Son and the Ass\nThe Shipwrecked Traveler\nThe Discontented Woman\n\n\n\n\nThe Baa-Sheep and the Lion.\n\n\nA baa-sheep was lying under the paw of a black-maned lion. Whatever was\ngoing to be done had to be done quickly. A thought flashed upon the sheep\nand he said:\n\n\"Most dread lord and master, I have heard your voice extolled beyond that\nof all others. Will you not sing me a little selection from Wagner before I\ndie?\"\n\nThe lion, touched in his vanity, immediately started up and roared away\nuntil the goose-flesh stood out on the rocks. When he had finished, the\nsheep was in tears.\n\n\"What means this?\" growled the lion in a rage. \"Do you presume to criticise\nmy singing?\"\n\n\"Oh, no!\" sobbed the sheep. \"That is not it. But I have heard that wool was\nthe worst thing in the world for the voice, and when I think of the ruin of\nthat beautiful organ of yours, consequent upon eating me, I weep to think\nthat I was not born hairless.\"\n\nThe lion regarded him out of the corner of his eye. Then, in his grandest\nmanner, said: \"Run along home to your ma, little sheep; I was only playing\nwith you,\" and walked off through the forest with a great deal of dignity.\n\n[Illustration: The Baa-Sheep and the Lion.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Dog and the Meat.\n\n\nA dog with a piece of meat in his mouth was crossing a bridge over a placid\nstream. On looking down he saw another dog with a precisely similar piece\nof meat in the water below him. \"That's a singular incident,\" he thought to\nhimself as he prepared to jump in. \"But hold a minute! The angle of\nincidence is always equal to the angle of reflection. Upon reflection, I\nfind that the other dog and the meat are only optical phenomena.\" And he\ntrotted on his way to Boston without further thought about the matter.\n\n[Illustration: The Dog and the Meat.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Fox and the Grapes.\n\n\nA fox stood under an apple-tree and gazed up earnestly at the globes of\nyellow lusciousness. \"How sad, for the sake of an old-time piece of\nliterature,\" he said, \"that the fox is a carnivorous animal and doesn't\ncare particularly about fruit!\"\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nWe all have plenty of faults without the Truly Good taking the trouble to\ninvent them for us.\n\n[Illustration: The Fox and the Grapes.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Fox and the Crow.\n\n\nA crow, having stolen a piece of flesh, perched in a tree to enjoy it at\nleisure. A fox saw her, and, being hungry, thought he would employ a little\ndiplomacy to get the meat away from her.\n\n\"What a prima-donna the crow would be,\" he said, looking at her with mock\nadmiration, \"if she only had a voice proportional to her other\nattractions!\"\n\nThe crow promptly dropped the piece of flesh on his head, completely\nblinding him, and before he could recover from his surprise, lit on his\nback and began to peck him viciously. \"I'll have you to know,\" she cawed,\n\"that I'm a proper lady, and the man that compares me to them shameless\nFrench singing hussies is going to get hurt.\"\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nDon't praise the soft whiteness of a labor delegate's hands.\n\n[Illustration: The Fox and the Crow.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Ass in the Lion's Skin.\n\n\nAn ass, by some means unknown to the writer, having managed to get into a\nlion's skin, ran around the neighborhood frightening the beasts into fits.\nWhen he brayed, they said: \"Jupiter! what a magnificent bass voice he has!\"\nand he was the pantata of that district until he died of old age.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nA good bluff, well chucked, is liable to do considerable execution.\n\n[Illustration: The Ass in the Lion's Skin.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Horse and the Oyster.\n\n\nA very prancy horse, discovering an oyster on the sea-shore, thought to\nshow off a little and make the oyster envious.\n\nAfter he had done some surprising leaps and curvetings, he went up to the\noyster, and, with a toss of his head, said:\n\n\"There! what do you think of that?\"\n\n\"You must excuse me,\" answered the bivalve, \"but I have been blind from\nbirth, and missed the whole show.\"\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nOf what use is a dress suit in the Desert of Sahara?\n\n[Illustration: The Horse and the Oyster.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Monkey and the Ass.\n\nAn ass, having seen a monkey doing tricks on a roof, to the edification of\nthe villagers, became envious, and essayed to emulate his more agile rival.\n\nThe roof broke under his greater weight, and he fell through on his master,\nsquashing him flatter than a pan-cake. Thenceforward, having no one to say\nhim nay, he lived a life of peace and plenty, coming and going at his own\nsweet will, while the monkey was captured by an organ grinder and works\neighteen hours a day.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nPeople are not always such asses as they seem to us.\n\n[Illustration: The Monkey and the Ass.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Merchant and the Fool.\n\n\nA merchant of horses was driving his stock to the market. On the road he\nmet a venerable old fool, who offered to buy his entire stock.\n\n\"It is this way,\" said the intended purchaser, \"I will take your horses\nnow, and whenever I find use for one, I will send you the money for it.\"\n\n\"Now the gods be lenient to folly!\" exclaimed the indignant merchant.\n\"Man, Man! where in the realm of idiocy did you get your knowledge of\nbusiness?\"\n\n\"I ran a pay-on-publication journal for ten years,\" said the fool with\nasperity.\n\nBut the merchant had vanished in a cloud of oaths and dust.\n\n[Illustration: The Merchant and the Fool.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Wolf and the Sheep.\n\n\nA wolf that had been left for dead by the dogs lay not far from a running\nbrook. He felt that one good drink might save his life. Just then a sheep\npassed near.\n\n\"Pray, sister,\" said he very gently, but with a sinister twinkle of his eye\nteeth, \"bring me some water from yon stream.\"\n\n\"Certainly,\" said the sheep, and she brought him a glass in which she had\npoured a few knock-out drops. As she sat on his corpse a little later she\nmoralized in this manner: \"Some clever people are wicked, but all wicked\npeople are not clever by a d----d sight.\"\n\n[Illustration: The Wolf and the Sheep.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Ambitious Hippopotamus.\n\n\nA hippopotamus who had dwelt contentedly for years on the banks of a reedy\nstream, looked up one day and saw an eagle.\n\nShe became immediately fired with a desire to fly. Having lived a staid and\nrespectable life that could not but find favor in the eyes of the gods, she\nraised her voice in prayer.\n\nJove smiled a little, but granted her request.\n\nOn the instant a pair of broad, powerful wings were affixed to her\nshoulders.\n\nShe was naturally a trifle nervous about trying them at first, but finally\nmustered up her courage.\n\nAway she swooped, and with a pardonable vanity took her course over a piece\nof jungle where some old friends lived.\n\nPrecisely thirty-eight seconds later a convention of animals, all swearing\nand trembling with fright, were trying to conceal themselves in the same\nthree-by-four hole in the ground.\n\nThe effect on the other animals disconcerted the good-natured hippopotamus\nto such an extent that she lost control of herself and sailed through the\nforest like an avalanche on a bender. Down went the trees and crack went\nthe branches, while horror-stricken beasts with bristling hair split the\nwelkin with their shrieks.\n\nThe hippopotamus made for home at her best speed. Arriving over the\nfamiliar spot, she let go all holds and came down ker-splash in the mud,\nknocking the astonished little hippopotamuses out into mid-stream.\n\n\"Oh, Jupiter! take 'em off!\" she gasped. \"I now see that the hippopotamus\nwas not intended to fly.\"\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nIt takes more than nine bloomers to make a man.\n\n[Illustration: The Ambitious Hippopotamus.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Man and the Serpent.\n\n\nA man, who had lived a beautiful purple life, went to sleep under a tree in\nthe forest. Jove sent a huge serpent to destroy him. The man awakened as\nthe reptile drew near.\n\n\"What a horrid sight!\" he said. \"But let us be thankful that the\npink-and-green elephant and the feathered hippopotamus are not also in\nevidence.\"\n\nAnd he took a dose of bromide and commended himself again to sleep, while\nthe serpent withdrew in some confusion.\n\n\nWHAT THIS PROVES TO A THINKING MIND:\n\nJove himself couldn't get a job as Sunday-School Superintendent on his\nreputation.\n\n[Illustration: The Man and the Serpent.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Appreciative Man.\n\n\nA man stood in the archway of an ancient temple. He took in the wonderful\nproportions and drank of the exquisite detail in an ecstasy of delight.\n\n\"Oh, great is art!\" he cried in a frenzy. \"Art is all! the only God!\"\n\nJust then an earthquake came mumbling along and jarred the whole country\nloose.\n\nAs the man picked himself out of the jumbled-up ruins into the dust-filled\nair, he encountered a lion who had lost his tail and his temper in the\n_m\u00e9l\u00e9e_.\n\n\"Well, where's your art now?\" snarled the lion.[1]\n\n\"All in my eye, I reckon,\" answered the man, as he bathed his damaged\noptic.\n\n[Illustration: The Appreciative Man.]\n\n\n\n\nOn the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich.\n\n\nAn ostrich, who was closely pursued by a hunter, suddenly thrust his head\ndeep down into the sand.\n\n\"Ah! ah!\" exulted the hunter, \"I have the silly thing at last.\" He advanced\nto place a rope around the bird's legs; but the ostrich, who had accurately\ntimed his arrival, landed a kick in the pit of his stomach that sent him\ninto the hereafter like a bullet through a fog-bank.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\n\"Umph,\" said the ostrich as he surveyed his victim, \"because a man looks\nsad at the opening of a jack-pot, it doesn't necessarily follow that he's\nonly got ace-high.\"\n\n[Illustration: On the Not-Altogether-Credible Habits of the Ostrich.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Idol and the Ass.\n\n\nAn ass felt it his duty to destroy superstition, so he went up to the brass\nidol in the market-place and gave it a vigorous kick.\n\nA dog came to him as he lay groaning on the ground, nursing his broken leg,\nand said, \"Well, did you prove anything?\"\n\n\"Nothing,\" said the other. \"Except that I am an ass.\"\n\nDeductions to be drawn: Any old thing.\n\n[Illustration: The Idol and the Ass.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Bee and Jupiter.\n\n\nA Bee, the queen of all the hives, ascended to Olympus with a present of\nsome super-refined honey for Jupiter.\n\nThe god was delighted with the honey, and in return offered to grant any\nrequest the Bee might make.\n\n\"Give to me, I pray, O Lord of the Heavens! a sting, that, small and weak\nas I am, I may not be defenceless against my enemies.\"\n\nJupiter was quite put out at this demand, as he knew the weapon would be\nused principally against mankind, whom he much loved. But a god's promise\nmust be kept, so he said:\n\n\"It is granted you.\"\n\n\"Many thanks, most potent one!\" cried the Bee, running the new-gained\nweapon in and out with much satisfaction.\n\nJupiter sternly cut short her thanks, and continued:\n\n\"In using this means of defense and offense you will imperil your own life,\nfor the sting shall remain in the wound it makes and you shall die from the\nloss of it.\"\n\nThe Bee flew around for a moment, and then lit on the back of the god's\nneck.\n\n\"You will kindly reconsider that last clause,\" she said, \"or,\" in a very\nmeaning tone, \"I die right here.\"\n\nJupiter felt a cold chill take its agitated way up his spinal column.\n\n\"All right,\" he said, hastily. \"I don't want to be small about it. Have it\nyour own way. Only please get off my neck!\"\n\nThe Bee went joyously back to earth, humming a song of praise.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nHow to play a cinch (Hoyle). \"Put both feet on the encircled object.\nRosin the hands, take a long breath and _Pull_.\"\n\n[Illustration: The Bee and Jupiter.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Lion and the Boar.\n\n\nOne Sunday, when the new administration had induced a general thirst, a\nlion and a boar came at the same moment to a corner spring to drink.\n\n\"Have one with me,\" said the lion. \"No, sir; this is on me,\" said the boar.\nFrom words they came to blows, and while they were in the press of combat\nthe clock struck one A.M. and they had to go home cold-sober and disgusted.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nReform is just the thing for angels.\n\n[Illustration: The Lion and the Boar.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Tiger and the Deer.\n\n\nOne day a tiger, who had grown remorseful over his murderous career,\nresolved to turn over a new leaf and live on terms of friendly interest\nwith the other animals of the forest.\n\nHe started out on a campaign of pacification. The first animal he met was\nthe deer, whom he addressed in the most courteous and beautiful of\nlanguage, assuring him of his undying affection.\n\n\"Bunco!\" yelled the deer, as he skipped away from there at the rate of ten\nseconds in even time.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nIt is useless to attempt to gain the good-will of suspicious characters.\n\n[Illustration: The Tiger and the Deer.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Old Man, His Son and the Ass.\n\n\nAn old man and his little boy were once driving an ass to the market-place.\n\"What's the matter with one of you riding?\" said a passer-by. So the man\nput his boy on the ass and they went on. The next person they met said it\nwas a shame to see a boy ride while an old man walked. The man lifted the\nboy off and got on himself. This also excited adverse comment, and the man\ntook the boy up behind him. The next critic was a member of the S.P.C.A.,\nand he upbraided them both roundly, saying that they would better carry the\nass than he them. Thereupon they tied the ass's legs to a long pole and\ncarried him between them. While crossing the bridge, into the town, the\nman stumbled and the ass fell into the water and was drowned. They\npromptly sued the city for damages, and compromised on $263, more than\neight times the value of the ass.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nHard luck cannot touch smooth people.\n\n[Illustration: The Old Man, His Son and the Ass.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Shipwrecked Traveler.\n\n\nA man who had traveled over many countries was shipwrecked off the coast of\nOpera land. After a desperate battle with the waves he managed to near the\nshore where the cruel waves played with him like a cat with a mouse. He\nwould pull himself up the beach, half fainting, and a great, dancing,\nhissing breaker would pounce upon him and drive him back.\n\nHe called for help until the inhabitants espied him.\n\nThey came in a group, the women costumed as milkmaids and the men as\ncavaliers.\n\nAfter making about twenty feet the company stopped.\n\n\"Oh! save him, save him!\" sang the soprano.\n\n\"Yes, yes! we will save him!\" sang back the tenor.\n\nThen everybody sang \"Save him, save him; oh, yes, we will save him, save\nhim from _the sea_!!!\"\n\nThe sopranos took a B flat on the last note, while the tenors and altos\nrambled up and down the scale and the bassos bombarded the theme with their\ndeepest chest tones.\n\nIn the meantime the traveler had been washed out to sea. As the next wave\nbrought him to the strand the company advanced once more a short distance,\nand began.\n\n\"In the name of Mercy, help me!\" screamed the drowning man.\n\n\"Oh, hear his piteous cry,\" sang the tenors, and the prima donna stepped\nout and sang a beautiful aria beginning \"Now the cruel waves advancing.\"\nAfter she had finished the bass got in front of the company.\n\nHe described how his strong arm had plucked the stranger from a watery\ngrave, and advanced to the beach to suit the action to the words.\n\nBut, alas! the traveler had given up the ghost several minutes before. Then\nthe company sang a miserere and went home to lunch.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nThe finest of Raphael's canvases would make a poor overcoat.\n\n[Illustration: The Shipwrecked Traveler.]\n\n\n\n\nThe Discontented Woman.\n\n\nA woman who was dissatisfied with her husband loudly petitioned Jove to\nsend her another. The god listened favorably to her petition and sent her\na demigod.\n\nIn less than a week the woman was bewailing her lot again, saying she never\ncared for mixed goods anyhow, and that while the god-half of her present\nhusband might be all right, the man-half snored and chewed tobacco. Jove,\nwearied by her ill-humored persistency, took back the demi-god and sent her\na man out of the Yellow Book for husband, instead.\n\nUp to the present writing the lady in question hasn't discovered where she\nis at.\n\n\nIMMORAL:\n\nHysterics and Art are only relations by marriage.\n\n[Illustration: The Discontented Woman.]\n\n[Footnote 1: (editorial note) This was corrected from the original, which","title":"Fables for the Times","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":2949}