{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_16244/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_16244","id":"gutenberg_16244","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/16244","summary":null,"tags":["Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","Nasreddin Hoca (Legendary character)","Turkish wit and humor -- Translations into English"],"text":"Transcribed from the 1924 Norwich edition, Vol. 16, Miscellanies, by\nDavid Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk\n\n[Original cover page: cover.jpg]\n\n\n\n\n\nTHE TURKISH JESTER;\nOR,\nTHE PLEASANTRIES\nOF\nCOGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI.\n\n\nTRANSLATED FROM THE TURKISH\nBY\nGEORGE BORROW.\n\nIPSWICH:\nW. WEBBER, DIAL LANE,\n1884.\n\n\n\n\nTHE PLEASANTRIES OF COGIA NASR EDDIN EFENDI\n\n\n   'A breeze, which pleasant stories bears,\n   Relicks of long departed years.'\n\nThe story goes, one of the stories of a hundred, that Cogia Nasr Eddin\nEfendi one day ascending into the pulpit to preach, said, 'O believers,\ndo ye not know what I am going to say to you?'  The congregation\nanswered, 'Dear Cogia Efendi, we do not know.'  Then said the Cogia,\n'What shall I say to you until you do know?'  One day the Cogia ascending\nagain into the pulpit, said, 'O Mussulmen, do ye not know what I am going\nto say to you?'  'We do know,' they replied.  Then said the Cogia, 'Some\nof ye do know already, what should I have to say to you?'  Then\ndescending from the chair he went out.  The assembly separated quite\nastonished, and, when they were out, continued to say, 'Which are those\nof us who know?  Which are those who do not know?'  The Cogia one day\nagain mounting the chair in the same manner, said, 'O brothers, when I\nsaid to ye, \"Do you know what I shall say?\" there were some who said, \"We\nknow,\" others said, \"We do not.\"  It were now well that those among ye\nwho knew what the Cogia said should teach those that did not.'\n\nOne day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi said, 'O Mussulmen, give thanks to God\nMost High that He did not give the camel wings; for, had He given them,\nthey would have perched upon your houses and chimneys, and have caused\nthem to tumble upon your heads.'\n\nOne day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi having mounted the chair in a city, said,\n'O Mussulmen, the air above this city is just like the air above my\ncity.'  The congregation said, 'O Cogia Efendi, how do you know that?'\nSaid the Cogia, 'Because I have seen as many stars above this city as I\nsaw above Belgrade.'\n\nOne night the Cogia dreamt that he was given nine aspres, whereupon the\nCogia said, 'O now pray make them up ten'; afterwards he said, 'Make them\nup eleven,' and then presently, a dispute having arisen, he awoke and saw\nthat in his hand he had nothing, thereupon closing his eyes anew and\nstretching out his hands, he said, 'Well, well, I shall be content with\nnine aspres.'\n\nOne day the Cogia went out into the plain, and as he was going along he\nsuddenly saw some men on horseback coming towards him.  Cogia Efendi, in\na great hurry, set off towards a cemetery, and having reached it took off\nhis clothes, and entering into a tomb lay down.  The horsemen, on seeing\nthe Cogia run away, followed him to the place where he lay, and said, 'O\nfellow, why do you lie here?'  Cogia Efendi, finding nothing else to say,\nreplied, 'I am one of the buried people, but came here to walk.'\n\nCogia Efendi one day went into a garden, pulled up some carrots and\nturnips and other kinds of vegetables, which he found, putting some into\na sack and some into his bosom; suddenly the gardener coming up, laid\nhold of him, and said, 'What are you seeking here?'  The Cogia, being in\ngreat consternation, not finding any other reply, answered, 'For some\ndays past a great wind has been blowing, and that wind blew me hither.'\n'But who pulled up these vegetables?' said the gardener.  'As the wind\nblew very violently,' replied the Cogia, 'it cast me here and there, and\nwhatever I laid hold of in the hope of saving myself remained in my\nhands.'  'Ah,' said the gardener, 'but who filled the sack with them?'\n'Well,' said the Cogia, 'that is the very question I was about to ask\nmyself when you came up.'\n\nOne day Cogia Efendi, on whom God be merciful, went to the city of Conia,\nand going into a pastry-cook's shop, seized hold of a tart, and saying,\n'In the Name of God,' began to eat it.  The pastry-cook cried out,\n'Halloa, fellow, what are you about?' and fell to beating him.  The Cogia\nsaid, 'Oh what a fine country is this of Conia, in which, whilst a man\neats a tart, they put in a blow as a digester for every morsel.'\n\nCogia Nasr Eddin, at the time of the Holy Ramadan, thought to himself,\n'What must I do in order to hold the fast in conformity with the people?\nI must prepare an earthen pot, and every day put a stone into it, and\nwhen thirty days are completed I may hold my Beiram.'  So he commenced\nplacing stones in the pot, one every day.  Now it happened one day that a\ndaughter of the Cogia cast a handful of stones into the pot, and a little\ntime after some people asked the Cogia, 'What day of the month is it to-\nday?'  Now it happened to be the twenty-fifth.  The Cogia, however, said\nto them, 'Have patience and I will see'; and going to his house and\nemptying the pot, perceived that there were a hundred and twenty stones\nin it.  Says the Cogia to himself, 'If I tell the people all this number\nthey will call me a fool.'  So going to them he said, 'This day is the\nforty-fifth day of the month.'  But, said they, 'O Cogia, a month has in\nall but thirty days, so how can you say that to-day is the forty-fifth?'\n'I spoke quite within bounds,' said the Cogia.  'If you were to see the\naccount in the pot you would find that to-day is the hundred and\ntwentieth.'\n\nOne day the Cogia was asked, 'When there is a new moon, what becomes of\nthe old one?'  'They make forty stars out of each,' said the Cogia.\n\nOne day the Cogia went out of the city along with a cafila or caravan of\npeople, and felt a wish to ride.  Now there was a camel belonging to the\ncafila, and the Cogia said to himself, 'Now, if instead of walking I\nshould mount on this camel, how comfortably could I travel!'  Thereupon\nmounting on the camel, he proceeded along with the cafila.  The camel,\nhowever, falling to kicking, flung the Cogia to the earth and knelt upon\nhim.  The Cogia cried out loudly, and the people of the cafila came and\nrescued him.  After a little time the Cogia, coming to his senses, said,\n'O Mussulmen, did you not see how that perfidious camel maltreated me?\nNow do hold the perfidious brute for me, that I may cut its throat.'\n\nOne day the Cogia bought a quantity of eggs at the rate of nine for the\naspre, and carrying them to another place, he sold them at the rate of\nten.  Some people asking him, 'Why do you sell ten for what you gave for\nnine?' the Cogia replied, 'I always wish my friends to see that I lose by\nmy bargains.'\n\nOne day the Cogia walking along the plain met a heifer, and forthwith\nlaying thievish hands upon it, led it straight to his house, where he\nslaughtered it and stripped off the skin.  The proprietor soon appeared\nbefore the Cogia's house, making a loud cry and lamentation.  'Who would\nhave thought,' said the Cogia to his people and his wife, 'that my\nflaying the heifer would have made that fellow's face look so black?'\n\nOne day the Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi passing along the bazaar, an\nindividual coming up to him said, 'Pray, Cogia, what is the moon to-day?\nIs it at three or four?'  'I don't know,' said the Cogia.  'I neither buy\nnor sell the moon.'\n\nOne day the Cogia taking a ladder on his shoulder, placed it against a\ngarden wall, and mounting, got over, taking the ladder with him.  The\ngardener seeing him said, 'Who are you? and what do you want here?'  'I\nam come to sell this ladder,' said the Cogia without hesitation.  'Is\nthis a place for selling a ladder?' said the gardener.  'O you foolish\nman,' said the Cogia, 'cannot a ladder be sold anywhere?'\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi one day taking hold of some fowls one by one, tied some\nstrips of an apron round their throats, and then let them go.  The\nlearned men having assembled round the Cogia, said, 'What was the matter\nwith these fowls?'  Said the Cogia, 'They merely went into mourning for\ntheir slaughtered mothers.'\n\nOne day a bull mounted a young cow of the Cogia's.  The Cogia seeing what\nhe was about, took a staff in his hand and ran towards him.  The bull\nfled towards the car of a Turcoman, to which seven other oxen were\nattached.  The Cogia keeping the ox in view, ran after him, and with the\nstaff in his hand struck the ox several blows.  'Halloa, man!' said the\nTurcoman.  'What do you want with my ox?'  'Don't you interfere, you\nfoolish dog,' said the Cogia.  'He knows full well what he has done.'\n\nOne day the Cogia made his last will.  'When I die,' said he, 'place me\nin an old tomb.'  When the people about him said, 'Why do you make this\nrequest?' the Cogia said, 'When the inquiring angels come and ask me\nquestions, I can say, \"I am deaf.  Do you not see that I as well as my\ntomb am old?\"'\n\nOne day Cogia Efendi, putting on very short habiliments, went to the\nmosque to say his prayers.  Whilst performing the rakoua the man who was\nbehind him perceiving the Cogia's --- seized hold of them and squeezed\nthem, whereupon the Cogia, seizing hold of those of the man who was\nbefore him, squeezed them too; the man, turning round and perceiving that\nit was Cogia Efendi himself, said, 'Halloa, what are you about?'  'You\nmust ask the man behind me,' said the Cogia.\n\nOne day the boys of Belgrade took the Cogia along with them into the\nbath.  They had secretly brought in their pouches a number of eggs.  One\nand all going into the bathing-house, took off their clothes and went in,\nand then, sitting down on the bench, they all said to one another, 'Come,\nlet us lay eggs: whosoever does not lay an egg shall pay the expenses of\nthe bath'; after which they began to make a great noise, cackling like\nhens, and flinging the eggs which they had brought on the stone bench.\nCogia Efendi, seeing what they were about, suddenly began to make a great\nnoise and crow like a cock.  'What are you about, Cogia Efendi?' said the\nboys.  'Why,' said he, 'is not a cock necessary where there are so many\nhens?'\n\nOne day the Cogia, putting on black clothes, went out.  The people,\nlooking at him, said, 'Cogia Efendi, for whose death are you in\nmourning?'  The Cogia answered, 'My son's father is dead, and I wear\nmourning for him.'\n\nOne day Cogia, returning from the harvest field, felt very thirsty.\nLooking around, he saw that they watered a tree by means of a pipe from a\nfountain.  The Cogia exclaimed, 'I must drink,' and pulled at the spout,\nand as he did so the water, spouting forth with violence, wetted the\nmouth and head of the Cogia, who, in a great rage, said, 'They watered\nthis wretched tree in order that one fool might wet another.'\n\nOne day the Cogia, taking some water melons with him, went to the\nmountain in order to cut wood.  Feeling thirsty, he cut one of the\nmelons, and, putting it to his mouth, cast it away, saying that it was\ntasteless.  He then cut up another, and, to be short, he cut them all up,\nand, having eaten a little of each, made water over what remained.  He\nthen fell to work at cutting wood.  After some time the Cogia again\nbecame thirsty, and finding no water, he went to the bits of the melons\nwhich he had cut up, and saying, 'This is sprinkled, and this is\nsprinkled,' ate them all.\n\nCogia Nasr Eddin Efendi had a lamb which he had fattened to a high\ndegree.  One day some of his friends having assembled, said, 'Let us get\nthe lamb from the Cogia and feast upon it.'  So coming to the Cogia as\nquick as possible, they said, 'O Cogia, to-morrow is the Day of Judgment;\nwhat would you do with this lamb?  Come, take it, and let us eat it.'  The\nCogia, however, would not believe them.  Coming again, however, they said\nthe same thing, and the Cogia, at last believing their words were true,\nslaughtered the lamb, and, taking it on his back, he carried it to the\npublic walk, and, lighting a fire, he began to prepare a roast.\nPresently, stripping their bodies, they delivered their clothes to the\nCogia, and each went aside to sleep.  Whereupon the Cogia, taking their\ngarments, flung them all into the fire and burnt them.  In a little time,\ntheir bellies becoming hungry from the sleep they had had, they came\nagain, and saw that their garments were nearly reduced to a coal.\nWhereupon they said to the Cogia, 'Who burnt our clothes?'  'My dear\nfriends,' replied the Cogia, 'to-morrow is the Day of Resurrection, so\nwhat need can you have of clothes?'\n\nOne day a thief, entering the house of the Cogia, laid hold of everything\nthere was there, and, placing it on his back, went away.  The Cogia,\nhowever, spying somebody going out, followed the thief, who went into his\nown house.  The Cogia following close behind, pushed against him at the\ndoor.  Whereupon the thief said, 'What do you want, Cogia Efendi?'  'What\ndo I want?' said the Cogia.  'Why, are we not going to remove hither to-\nday?'\n\nOne day certain individuals stole from the Cogia a sum of money,\nwhereupon the Cogia said, 'O Lord, what need have you that you give my\nmoney to others.'  So he made a dreadful outcry, and going into the\nmosque, wept until it was morning, groaning like a ship labouring in the\nsea.  Those who were there said, 'Ye who have found salvation make up a\nsum of money for the Cogia.'  So whosoever had found salvation through\nthe assistance of the Almighty made up what he could, and brought it to\nthe Cogia.  Whereupon the Cogia exclaimed, 'Allah, Allah! by lying one\nnight publicly in the mosque and weeping, I have caused Allah to send me\nmy money again.'\n\nOne day the Cogia borrowed a cauldron of a brazier, and carrying it home,\nput a little saucepan into it, and then carrying it back, returned it to\nits owner.  The owner seeing a little saucepan in the cauldron, said,\n'What is this?'  'Why,' cried the Cogia, 'the cauldron has borne a\nchild'; whereupon the owner took possession of the saucepan.  One day the\nCogia asked again for the cauldron, and having obtained it, carried it\nhome.  The owner of the cauldron waited one day and even five days for\nhis utensil, but no cauldron coming, he went to the house of the Cogia\nand knocked at the door.  The Cogia coming to the door, said, 'What do\nyou want?'  'The cauldron,' said the man.  'Oh, set your heart at rest,'\nsaid the Cogia, 'the cauldron is dead.'  'O Cogia,' said the man, 'can a\ncauldron die?'  'Oh,' said the Cogia, 'as you believed it could bear a\nchild, why should you not believe that it can die?'\n\nOne day the Cogia, walking amongst the sepulchres, saw a large dog lying\nupon a gravestone.  The Cogia, in a great rage laying hold on a stick,\naimed a blow at the dog, who in his turn assaulted the Cogia.  The Cogia\nfearing that he should be torn to pieces, said to the dog, 'Get you gone:\nI conquered.  Get you gone.'\n\nOne day the Cogia laying hold on a crane, took it home, and saying that\nits beak and feet were very long, cut them off with a knife; and placing\nit on a lofty place, said, 'Now you look like a bird.'\n\nOne day the Cogia having made his broth very hot, burnt his mouth, and\nmaking a great outcry, ran into the street, saying, 'Make way, brothers:\nthere is a fire in my belly.'\n\nA Moolah, who had travelled about Arabia, Persia, Hindustan, and, in a\nword, the whole seven climes without finding any one who could answer his\nquestions, was told by a man, 'In this country there is a man called\nCogia Nasr Eddin, who will answer your questions if any one can.'  The\nMoolah arising, went straight to Belgrade, where he bought an aspre's\nworth of pomegranates, which he placed in his bosom.  Going out of the\nsuburbs of Belgrade, he saw a man going to his labour; now this was the\nCogia himself.  Going up to him he saw a man like a fakeah, with shoes of\nraw hide on his feet and a kiebbeh or rough cloak on his back.  When he\nwas close by him he said to him, 'Salaam'; and the Cogia saying to him,\n'Peace be unto you,' said, 'Moolah Efendi, for what have you come?'  The\nMoolah replied, 'Can you answer a question which I shall ask?'  The Cogia\nsaid, 'I can.'  'Do you know so-and-so?'  The Cogia said, 'I can do\nnothing without being paid.  What will you give me?'  The Moolah taking\nthe pomegranates which were in his bosom, gave him one; whereupon the\nCogia answered his question, and got all his pomegranates, one by one,\ntill not a single grain remained.  The Moolah then said, 'I have yet one\nquestion to ask.'  The Cogia replied, 'Go your way: don't trouble me.  The\npomegranates are spent.'  Whereupon the Moolah went away, saying, 'If the\nlabourers of Moom are of this description, what must the learned men be?'\n\nOne day the Cogia saw a great many ducks playing on the top of a\nfountain.  The Cogia, running towards them, said, 'I'll catch you';\nwhereupon they all rose up and took to flight.  The Cogia, taking a\nlittle bread in his hand, sat down on the side of the fountain, and\ncrumbling the bread in the fountain, fell to eating.  A person coming up,\nsaid, 'What are you eating?'  'Duck broth,' replied the Cogia.\n\nOne day the Cogia having bought a liver, was carrying it to his house;\nsuddenly a kite, swooping from above with a loud scream, seized the\nliver, and flew off with it.  The Cogia remained staring after it, but\nsaw that it was impossible to recover his meat.  Making up his mind, he\nran up to the top of an eminence, and a person passing below with a liver\nin his hand, the Cogia darted down and snatched the liver out of the\nperson's hand, and ran again up the rock.  'Hallo, Cogia,' said the man,\n'what are you about?'  'I was merely playing the kite out of fun,' said\nthe Cogia.\n\nA person coming to Nasr Eddin Efendi, requested him to let him have a\nrope.  The Cogia went into his house, and coming out again, said, 'The\nrope is striking ten.'  'How can a rope strike ten?' said the man.  'It\nwill always be striking ten,' said the Cogia, 'till I feel inclined to\ngive you the rope.'\n\nOne day the Cogia put some fowls into a cage and set out for the castle\nof Siouri.  As he was going along he said to himself, 'These poor\nwretches are here imprisoned: I think I may as well give them a little\nliberty.'  So he let them all out, and all the hens ran off in one\ndirection or another.  The Cogia taking a stick in his hand, placed\nhimself before the cock, pushing him and driving him, saying, 'O you who\nin the middle of the night knowest when it is morning, how is it that in\nbroad day thou knowest not the way to the castle?'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was wandering amongst the tombs, by the side of the\nway he fell into an old tomb, and making believe as if he were dead, he\nsaid, 'Let me see Mounkhir.  Is Nekir coming?'  As he lay there stretched\nat his length, it appeared to him that he heard from afar the voice of a\nbell.  'It is the noise of the Day of Judgment,' said the Cogia, and\nforthwith sprang out of the tomb.  Now it happened that a caravan was\ncoming, and the Cogia, by putting out his head, frightened the camels,\nwho jostled each other in great confusion.  No sooner did the conductors\nsee the Cogia than, seizing their cudgels, they said to him, 'You!  Who\nare you?'  The Cogia said to them, 'I am one who is dead.'  'And what are\nyou doing here?' said the conductors.  'I merely came to take a walk,'\nsaid the Cogia.  'We will now make you take a pretty walk,' said the\ncarriers, and instantly began belabouring him with their cudgels.  The\nCogia, with tears streaming from his eyes, ran home.  'Where have you\nbeen?' said his wife.  'I have been dead,' said the Cogia, 'and in the\ntomb.'  'And what is there in the other world?' said his wife.  'Nothing,'\nsaid the Cogia, 'provided you don't frighten carriers' camels.'\n\nOnce upon a time the Cogia was sent into Curdistan along with the\nAmbassador.  Whilst he was there the Curdish Beys invited the Cogia to a\nfeast which they had made in honour of him.  The Cogia, putting on a\npelisse, went to the place of festival.  During the entertainment he\nchanced to belch.  'You do wrong to belch, Cogia Moolah Efendi,' said the\nBeys.  'I am amongst Curds,' said the Cogia.  'How should they know a\nTurkish belching, even though they hear it?'\n\nOne day the Cogia went with Cheragh Ahmed to the den of a wolf, in order\nto see the cubs.  Said the Cogia to Ahmed: 'Do you go in.'  Ahmed did so.\nThe old wolf was abroad, but presently returning, tried to get into the\ncave to its young.  When it was about half-way in the Cogia seized hard\nhold of it by the tail.  The wolf in its struggles cast a quantity of\ndust into the eyes of Ahmed.  'Hallo, Cogia,' he cried, 'what does this\ndust mean?'  'If the wolf's tail breaks,' said the Cogia, 'you'll soon\nsee what the dust means.'\n\nOne day the Cogia mounted upon a tree, and, sitting upon a branch,\nforthwith began to cut it.  A person coming up said, 'Hallo, man! what\nare you about? as soon as you have cut the branch you will fall.'  The\nCogia made no answer, but went on cutting, and no sooner had he cut\nthrough the bough than down fell the Cogia to the ground.  Getting up, he\nran after the person, crying out, 'Ho, fellow, if you knew that I should\nfall you also knew that I should kill myself,' and forthwith seized him\nby the collar.  The man, finding no other way to save himself, said,\n'Leave hold of me and fling yourself down on the road face upwards.  At\nthe first belching that you give half your soul will leave your body; at\nthe second, all will go and not a particle will remain.'  The Cogia did\nso, and at the second belching, laying himself down on the ground, he\ncried, 'I am dead,' and remained motionless.  Forthwith the Ulemas\nhastened to him, and bringing with them a coffin, placed him in it,\nsaying, 'Let us carry him home.'  On their way, coming to a miry place,\nthey said, 'We will rest,' and began to talk together.  The Cogia,\nforthwith raising his head from the coffin, said, 'If I were alive I\nwould get out of this place as quick as possible.'\n\nOne day the Cogia set about making a stable under the earth.  As he was\ndigging, he got into a stable of one of his neighbours, in which he found\nseveral oxen.  The Cogia, very much rejoiced, went into his house, and\nsaid, 'O wife, I have found a stable of oxen; a relic of the times of the\nCaffirs.  Now what will you give me for bringing you this piece of good\nnews?'\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi had two daughters.  One day the two coming to see their\nfather, the Cogia said to them, 'Well, daughters, how do things go on\nwith you?'  Now, the husband of one of them was a farmer, that of the\nother was a maker of tiles.  One of them said, 'My husband has sown a\ngreat deal of corn; if there is plenty of rain my husband will give me a\nnew gown.'  The other said, 'My husband is a tile-maker; he has made a\ngreat quantity; if there is not a drop of rain he will give me a new\ngown.'  The Cogia said, 'One of you two may be worth a cucumber, but\nwhich of the two God knows, I don't.'\n\nOne day the Cogia being at Siouri Castle he saw a great many people\nassembled to look at the moon.  'What a strange land is this,' said the\nCogia.  'In our country they pay no attention to the moon when it is as\nbig as a cart wheel, but here, when it is quite new and of scarcely any\nsize, what a number of people assemble to look at it.'\n\nOnce as Nasr Eddin Efendi was walking in Belgrade he cried out, 'O Lord!\ngive me a thousand altoons, but if one be wanting I will not take the\nrest.'  Now these words of the Cogia were heard by a neighbour of his, a\nJew, who, in order to try the Cogia, put nine hundred and ninety-nine\naltoons into a purse and flung it down the Cogia's chimney.  The Cogia\nsees a purse full of money before him, up he gets, and saying, 'Our\nprayer has been accepted,' he opens the purse, and, counting the altoons,\nfinds that one is wanting.  'Never mind,' says he, 'He who gives these\ncan give one more,' and takes possession of the money.  The Jew now began\nto be in a fidget, and, getting up, knocked at the Cogia's door.  'Good\nday, Cogia Efendi,' said he, 'please to give me back my altoons.'  Quoth\nthe Cogia to the Jew, 'You are a merchant, and not a fool; I made a\nrequest to God on high, He gave me what I asked; what business had you to\nfling altoons to me?'  The Jew said, 'O Cogia of my soul, I said I will\nhave a jest with you.  On hearing you say, \"If one is wanting I will not\ntake the rest,\" I said to myself, \"I will see whether you will or not\"; I\ndid it merely in jest.'  'Jest,' said the Cogia, 'I know nothing of jest;\nI accepted the gold.'  'Come, come!' said the Jew, 'we will go before the\nJudge.'  Said the Cogia, 'I will not go on foot before the Judge.'\nThereupon the Jew brought the Cogia a mule.  'Very good,' said the Cogia,\n'but I must now have a pelisse for my back.'  The Jew brought him the\npelisse, and they set off to the tribunal of the Cadi.  The Cadi asking\nwhat they came for, the Jew said, 'This man took from me so many altoons\nand now he denies having done so.'  The Cadi looked in the Cogia's face,\nwhereupon the Cogia said, 'My Lord, I asked in prayer of the Most High a\nthousand altoons, which He gave.  On counting them, however, I found that\none was wanting, whereupon I said, \"He who gives so many altoons will\ndoubtless give one more,\" and I accepted them; but, my Lord, this Jew\nsays that the pelisse which you see on my back, and the mule on which I\nam mounted, are also his.'  'Yes, assuredly, my Lord,' said the Jew, 'for\nmine they are both.'  No sooner had he said these words than every one\ncried out, 'Upon you, you Jew rascal,' and, rushing upon him, they broke\nhis head and kicked him out of the tribunal, and the Cogia was sent home\nto his house in triumph, not only with the altoons but the pelisse and\nthe mule beside.\n\nOne day Cogia Efendi went to a bridal festival.  The master of the feast\nobserving his old and wretched garments, paid him no consideration\nwhatever.  The Cogia saw that he had no chance of notice; so going out he\nhurried to his house, and putting on a splendid pelisse, returned to the\nplace of festival.  No sooner did he enter the door than the master\nadvanced to meet him, and saying, 'Welcome, Cogia Efendi,' with all\nimaginable honour and reverence placed him at the head of the table, and\nsaid, 'Please to eat, Lord Cogia.'  Forthwith the Cogia taking hold of\none of the furs of his pelisse, said, 'Welcome, my pelisse, please to\neat, my lord.'  The master looking at the Cogia with great surprise,\nsaid, 'What are you about?'  Whereupon the Cogia replied, 'It is quite\nevident that all the honour paid is paid to my pelisse, so let it have\nsome food too.'\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi going one day into a city, found the doctors of the law\neating and drinking; no sooner did they see the Cogia than they showed\nhim great honour, and brought him food.  It happened that that year was a\nyear of famine, and the Cogia whilst eating and drinking, said to\nhimself, 'No doubt this city must be one in which provisions are very\ncheap,' and asked a man who was by him whether it were not so.  The man\nreplied, 'Are you mad? this day is Beiram, every one according to his\nmeans cooks meat in his house and brings it forth, and on that account\nthe food is plentiful.'  'Ah, my good man,' said the Cogia, 'I wish that\nevery day was Beiram.'\n\nOne day Cogia Efendi led a cow to the market for sale; backwards and\nforwards he led it, but was unable to sell it; presently a man advancing\nto the Cogia, said, 'Why do you hold this cow in your hand without\nselling it?'  Said the Cogia, 'I have led it about since the morning, and\nnotwithstanding all the fine things that I have said about it I have been\nunable to sell it.'  The individual taking the cow from the Cogia's hand,\nbegan to walk it about, exclaiming, 'Who will buy a young girl six months\ngone with child?'  Forthwith buyers followed at his heels, and a very\nconsiderable sum was offered.  The Cogia, very much surprised, took the\nmoney for the cow, and went running to his house.  The inspectors,\nhowever, coming, took away the Cogia's daughter, whereupon his wife said,\n'O Cogia, do you stay a little.  The inspecting matrons have been for the\ngirl.  I will now go to them, and will give the necessary character, so\nthat they will take our daughter, being satisfied with what I say.'  Quoth\nthe Cogia Efendi, 'No, no, wife, do not open your mouth.  I have now\nlearnt various praises fitted for her.  I will go and tell them.  Do you\nsee how they will be pleased with them.'  So he went to the inspecting\nmatrons, who, as soon as they saw him, said, 'O Cogia Efendi, what have\nyou to do with us matrons?  Get you gone, and let the girl's mother\ncome.'  Said the Cogia Efendi, 'It is not the duty of the girl's mother\nto give information with respect to any talents which the girl may\npossess.  Whatever questions you may have to ask with respect to the\ntalents we may have observed, do you ask of me.'  Quoth the matrons, 'Let\nus hear you dilate a little on her talents.'  'Ladies,' said the Cogia,\n'if the girl is not six months gone with child, she is my property.'  The\nladies on hearing this looked at each other, and getting up went away.\nSaid the Cogia's wife, 'O Cogia, why did you drive the matrons away by\nusing such words to them?'  'Don't you fear, wife,' said the Cogia, 'if\nthey go through the whole country they will not find a girl of this\ndescription; so let them go and come back.  But to tell you the truth, if\nI had not praised the cow in this manner, I should have found no\npurchaser for her.'\n\nOne day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, as he was winding the muslin of his\nturban, perceived that it was not long enough; he again tried all he\ncould to bring it to a point, but in vain.  The Cogia in great distress\ntook the muslin, and going to the public mart, put it up to auction.\nWhilst it was being bid for, a person came and bought it.  Whereupon the\nCogia going softly up to him, said, 'Brother, don't take that thick\nthing; it is too short for a turban; you can't bring it to a point.'\n\nOne day an individual coming to the Cogia said, 'Something for my good\nnews, Cogia Efendi.  You have a son born to you.'  'If I have a son born\nto me,' said the Cogia, 'I owe thanks to God, but what do I owe to you?'\n\nOne day a man coming to the Cogia asked him for the loan of his ass.\n'Stay here,' said the Cogia, 'whilst I go and consult the animal.  If the\nass is willing to be lent, I will let you have him.'  Thereupon he went\nin, and after staying for a time came out and said, 'The ass is not\nwilling, and has said to me, \"If you lend me to others I shall overhear\nall the evil things that they say of your wife.\"'\n\nOne day the Cogia, mounting his ass, set off for his garden; on the road,\nwanting to make water, he took off his woollen vest, and placing it on\nthe pack-saddle of his ass, he went aside.  A thief coming up took the\nwoollen vest and ran away with it.  The Cogia returning saw that the vest\nwas gone; whereupon taking the pack-saddle from the back of the ass, he\nput it upon his own shoulders, and giving the ass a cut with his whip, he\nsaid, 'You lost my vest, so I take your saddle.'\n\nOne day Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, mounting his ass, again set out; on the\nway, wanting to make water, he again laid his vest upon the ass, and went\naside.  A person who had his eye upon him, instantly seized the vest and\nran away; just at that time the ass began to bray.  The Cogia hearing\nhim, shouted out, 'The ass brays: the ass cries--no good sign.'  The\nperson, however, hearing the braying and the shouting, cast the vest upon\nthe ground and made his escape.\n\nOne day Cogia Efendi, having lost his ass, inquired of a certain\nindividual whether he had seen him.  'I saw him,' said the individual,\n'in a certain town, officiating as Cadi.'  'You say true,' said the\nCogia, 'I knew he would be a Cadi, for I observed when I taught him the\nprinciples of philosophy, that his ears were not sewed up.'\n\nOne day Nasr Eddin Efendi went to the mountain to cut wood; after he had\ncut the wood he loaded his ass, and began to drive him home.  The\nEfendi's ass, however, would hardly move.  A person coming up, said, 'Put\na little sal ammoniac into the --- of the ass.'  The Cogia finding a\nlittle sal ammoniac, put it in; whereupon the ass began to run so quickly\nthat the Cogia was left far behind.  'I would fain see the cause of\nthis,' said the Cogia, and clapped a little of the sal ammoniac to his\nown ---.  No sooner had he done so than the Cogia's posterior began to\nswell, and he set off running so quickly that he soon got before the ass,\nand ran straight home, but not being able to contain himself in the\nhouse, he ran about it, and observing his wife, he said, 'O wife,\nwhenever you wish me to get me on, do you stick a little sal ammoniac in\nmy ---.'\n\nOne day a man came to the house of the Cogia and asked him to lend him\nhis ass.  'He is not at home,' replied the Cogia.  But it so happened\nthat the ass began to bray within.  'O Cogia Efendi,' said the man, 'you\nsay that the ass is not at home, and there he is braying within.'  'What\na strange fellow you are!' said the Cogia.  'You believe the ass, but\nwill not believe a grey-bearded man like me.'\n\nOne day the Cogia said to his wife, 'O wife, how do you know when a man\nis dead?'  'I know it by his hands and feet being cold,' said she.  One\nday as the Cogia was going to the mountain for wood, he felt cold in his\nhands and feet; whereupon he said, 'I am a dead man,' and laid himself\ndown at the foot of a tree.  Some wolves, however, coming up and\nbeginning to devour his ass, the Cogia shouted to the wolves from the\nplace where he was lying, 'The ass is dead, it seems, and not the\nmaster.'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was cutting wood in the mountain, a wolf, coming up\nto his ass, began to devour it; but on seeing the Cogia, it took the ass\nand went away.  A man who saw what happened, cried out, 'There he goes!'\nWhereupon the Cogia said, 'Hallo, man: why do you cry out?  You must not\nhinder a wolf who has dined from mounting.'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was conducting his ass to the market, the tail of\nthe animal becoming draggled with mud, the Cogia cut it off and put it\ninto a sack.  Arriving at the market, he put up the ass to auction; and\non a person crying out, 'What is the use of this tailless creature?' he\nsaid, 'Don't you leave your tail in the desert when you come to market?'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was coming from a distant place, his ass chanced to\nbe very thirsty, when all of a sudden they arrived at the margin of a\npool.  Unfortunately, however, the sides of the pool were very steep, and\nthe ass of the Cogia, on seeing the water, not being able to restrain\nhimself, ran forward to the pool.  Just as he was falling in, the frogs\nof the pool began to croak violently; their voices frightening the ass,\nhe ran back.  The Cogia, however, seized hold of him, and exclaiming,\n'Bravo, ye birds of the pool!' he took out a handful of aspres, and flung\nthem into the pool, saying, 'Here's something for sweetmeats: take and\neat.'\n\nIn the time of Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi, three priests, who showed\nthemselves versed in every kind of learning, travelling through the\nworld, at last came to the country of the Soldan Ala Eddin.  The Emperor\ninvited them to accept the true faith; whereupon the three said, 'Each\none of us has a question to ask, and if you can give us an answer, we\nwill adopt your religion.'  All agreed to this condition; and Soldan Ala\nEddin having assembled his ulemas and sheiks, not one of them was able to\nmake any reply to the questions of the strangers.  The Soldan Ala Eddin\nwas very much incensed and mortified, and exclaimed, 'So there is not one\nof the ulemas and sheiks in the countries beneath my jurisdiction who can\nanswer these fellows.'  Whereupon one of the ulemas replied, 'Though none\nof us can answer these questions, perhaps Cogia Nasr Eddin Efendi can.'\nThe Emperor, on hearing these words, gave orders to his Tartar messengers\nto go in quest of Nasr Eddin Efendi.  The Tartars, with all imaginable\nspeed, went their way, and having found the Cogia, communicated to him\nthe commands of the Sultan.  Nasr Eddin, that moment saddling his ass,\ntook his staff in his hand, and mounting the animal, said to the Tartar,\n'Lead the way and set off straight for the palace of Soldan Ala Eddin.'\nOn his arrival, he went into the presence of the Emperor, to whom he\nsaid, 'Salaam,' and received the same salutation from the Sultan, who,\npointing out a place to him, bade him sit down.  Said the Cogia to the\nEmperor, after wishing him a blessing, 'For what may it have pleased you\nto summon me?'  Whereupon the Soldan Ala Eddin told him the whole\ncircumstance.  The Cogia forthwith turning to the priests said, 'What are\nyour questions?'  Then one of the priests, coming forward, said, 'May it\nplease your Efendiship, my question is this: \"Where may the middle of the\nearth be?\"'  Thereupon the Cogia, instantly dismounting from his ass,\npointed with his staff to the fore foot of the ass, saying, 'The middle\nof the earth is the spot on which my ass's foot stands.'  'How do you\nknow that?' said the priest.  'If you doubt my words,' said the Cogia,\n'take a measure and see whether it comes to more or less.'  Another of\nthe priests coming forward said, 'How many stars are there in the face of\nthe heaven above us?'  Said the Cogia, 'As many hairs as there are upon\nmy ass so many stars are there in the heaven.'  'How do you know?' said\nthe priest.  'If you doubt,' said the Cogia, 'come and count, and if\nthere is any difference, say at once.'  'Have you counted, then,' said\nthe priest, 'the hairs upon your ass?'  'And have you counted how many\nstars there are?' said the Cogia.  Then another priest coming forward\nsaid, 'If you can answer my question the whole of us will adopt your\nreligion.'  'Speak,' said the Cogia, 'let us hear it.'  'Tell me, O\nCogia,' said the priest, 'how many hairs there are in this beard of\nmine.'  'Just as many,' said the Cogia, 'as there are hairs in my ass's\ntail.'  'How do you know?' said the priest.  'Soul of mine,' said the\nCogia, 'if you don't believe, come and count.'  The priest would not\nconsent.  'If you will not consent,' said the Cogia, 'come, let us pluck\nhair for hair from your beard and from the ass's tail and see if they\ndon't tally.'  The priest, seeing that he had the worst of the argument,\nturned to the way of truth, and forthwith said to his companions, 'I\nembrace the faith of Islam,' and acknowledged the unity of God.  The two\nothers also with heart and soul embraced the true faith, and the whole\nthree became servants and disciples of the Cogia.\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi one day placed three plums upon a great table and set\nout in order to carry them as a present to the Bey.  On the way the plums\nchancing to dance on this side and that the Cogia said, 'I will now eat\nyou until I leave one to dance by itself.'  So the Cogia ate two of the\nplums, and carrying one upon the table, placed it before the Bey, who\nbeing very much delighted with the plum which the Cogia brought,\npresented him with a great deal of money.  The Cogia went home, and a few\ndays after, taking a number of beetroots, set out again in order to carry\nthem to the Bey.  As he was going along he met an individual, who said to\nthe Cogia, 'To whom are you carrying those things?'  'I am carrying them\nto the Bey,' said the Cogia.  'If you were to carry him some figs\ninstead,' said the individual, 'he would like it better.'  The Cogia\ninstantly went and procured a few pounds of figs, which he carried to the\nBey, who ordered his attendants to fling them all at his head.  Some of\nthe figs striking the Cogia's head, he forthwith began to cry out, 'Thank\nGod, thank God!'  'How is this, Cogia?' said they.  'Why do you thank\nGod?'  'I was bringing a great quantity of beetroots,' said the Cogia,\n'but meeting an individual on the road, he advised me to bring these\ninstead.  Now if I had brought beetroots, my head would have been\nbroken.'\n\nThe Cogia going on another day to visit the Bey, the Bey took him out a-\nhunting, but mounted him on a good-for-nothing horse.  As they were\nhunting, it began to rain; every one escaped by means of his horse, but\nthe good-for-nothing horse would scarcely move.  The Cogia forthwith\nstripping himself naked, took his garments and sat down upon them.  No\nsooner was the rain over, than he got up, and having dressed himself, he\nwent to the Bey.  Said the Bey, 'It is a wonder you escaped a wetting.'\nSaid the Cogia, 'I was mounted on a horse that was a great goer, he flew\naway with me so fast that I escaped the rain.'  The Bey believed every\nword that he said.  On another day the Bey again went out a-hunting, but\nhe now rode that same horse himself, whilst the Cogia was mounted on\nanother; now it so pleased God that it again began to rain, every one\nescaped as fast as he could, but the Bey on the good-for-nothing horse\nwas left behind, and at last reached home, creeping along like a crane.\nHe was very much incensed at what the Cogia had told him, and the next\nday addressed him in this manner: 'Was it fit and proper that you should\ntell me the lie you did, and cause me to be wet through by the rain which\nGod sent?'  Said the Cogia, 'Why are you angry with me?  Why had you not\nsense enough to strip off your clothes as I did, and sit upon them, and\nwhen the rain was over, dress yourself and come here?'\n\nOne day the Bey sent this message to the Cogia, 'Come, I intend to play\nthe jerreed with you, for I wish to have a little jerreed playing.'  Now\nthe Cogia had an old ox, which, saddling immediately, he mounted, and\nrode to the place where they played at the jerreed.  No sooner did the\npeople see him than they fell to laughing, and the Bey said, 'O Cogia,\nwhy did you mount that ox, for it can't run?'  'Can't it?' said the\nCogia.  'I have seen it when it was a calf running so fast that no horse\ncould overtake it.'\n\nOne day Tamerlank invited the Cogia to dine with him.  The Cogia accepted\nthe invitation, and mounting his ass, taking the groom along with him,\nset out, saying, 'Now, Tamerlank, where may you be?'  When he came to the\nEmperor, Timour Shah, pointing to a place, bade him sit down.  The Cogia,\nseeing that Timour Shah sat with one foot supported on a cushion, when he\nsat down, stretched out his own leg, and placed it upon a corner of the\ncushion.  Timour Shah being very much offended that the Cogia stretched\nout his leg as he did, said to himself, 'If I do so I have an excuse, and\nI am also a king'; and then said to the Cogia, 'When you mount your ass,\nwhat is the difference between you and him?'  The Cogia replied, 'My\nEmperor, only this cushion divides us which is placed upon his back.'  The\nShah, perceiving the taunt, was very much incensed, and determined to\nmortify the Cogia.  The food being brought, they began to eat, and\npresently Timour, without any cause, sneezed in the Cogia's face.  The\nCogia, when he saw Tamerlank do this, said, 'My Emperor, is it not ill\nmanners to do so?'  'It is not in our country,' said Tamerlank.  Forthwith\nthe Cogia let a ---; and when Tamerlank said, 'Is not that ill manners?'\nhe replied, 'It is not reckoned so in our country.'  The repast being\nover, the sherbet was brought; and then the Cogia, getting up, set off on\nhis way home.  'Why did you break wind in the presence of Timour?' said\nthe groom.  Answered the Cogia, 'When the Imam --- the assembly breaks\nup.'\n\nOne day the Cogia roasted a goose, and set out in order to carry it to\nthe Emperor.  On the way, feeling very hungry, he cut off one leg and ate\nit.  Coming into the presence of the Emperor, he placed the goose before\nhim.  On seeing it, Tamerlank said to himself, 'The Cogia is making game\nof me,' and was very angry, and demanded, 'How happens it that this goose\nhas but one foot?'  Said the Cogia, 'In our country all the geese have\nonly one foot.  If you disbelieve me, look at the geese by the side of\nthat fountain.'  Now at that time there was a flock of geese by the rim\nof the fountain, all of whom were standing on one leg.  Timour instantly\nordered that all the drummers should at once play up; the drummers began\nto strike with their sticks, and forthwith all the geese stood on both\nlegs.  On Timour saying, 'Don't you see that they have two legs?' the\nCogia replied, 'If you keep up that drumming you yourself will presently\nhave four.'\n\nCogia Efendi, now at rest with God, having been made Cadi, two\nindividuals came before him, one of whom said, 'This fellow nearly bit my\near off.'  The other said, 'Not so: I did not bite it, but he bit his own\near.'  The Cogia said, 'Come again in a little time and I will give you\nan answer.'  The men went away, and the Cogia, going into a private\nplace, seized hold of his ear.  'I can't bite it,' said he.  Then trying\nto rise from the ground, on which he had seated himself, he fell back and\nbroke a part of his head.  Forthwith wrapping a piece of cloth round his\nhead, he went back and sat in his place.  The two men coming and asking\nfor his decision, the Cogia said, 'No man can bite his own ear; but, if\nhe tries, may fall down and break his head.'\n\nOnce as the Cogia was lying in bed, at midnight a noise was heard in the\nstreet before the door.  Said the Cogia to his wife, 'Get up and light a\ncandle, and I will go and see.'  'You had better stay within,' said his\nwife.  But the Cogia, without heeding his wife, put the counterpane on\nhis shoulders and went out.  A fellow perceiving him, instantly snatched\nthe counterpane from off his shoulders and ran away.  The Cogia,\nshivering with cold, went in again; and when his wife asked him the cause\nof the noise, he said, 'It was on account of our counterpane: when they\ngot that the noise ceased at once.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife said to him, 'Nurse this child for a little\ntime, for I have a little business to see after.'  The Cogia, taking the\nchild, sat with him upon his lap.  Presently, however, the child p---\nupon the Cogia; whereupon the Cogia, getting up, p--- over the child,\nfrom head to foot.  His wife coming, said, 'O Cogia, why have you acted\nin this manner?'   'I would have --- over him,' said the Cogia, 'if he\nhad done so over me.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife, having washed the Cogia's kaftan, hung it upon\na tree to dry; the Cogia going out saw, as he supposed, a man standing in\nthe tree with his arms stretched out.  Says the Cogia to his wife, 'O\nwife, go and fetch me my bow and arrow.'  His wife fetched and brought\nthem to him; the Cogia taking an arrow, shot it and pierced the kaftan\nand stretched it on the ground; then returning, he made fast his door and\nlay down to sleep.  Going out in the morning he saw that what he had shot\nwas his own kaftan; thereupon, sitting down, he cried aloud, 'O God, be\nthanked; if I had been in it I should have certainly been killed.'\n\nOne day the Cogia, going to the College, mounted into the car, in the\nrear of the Moolahs.  Said the Moolahs, 'O Cogia, why did you mount\nbackwards?'  'If I got in straightways,' said the Cogia, 'you would be at\nmy back.  If you went before me your backs would be in my face, therefore\nI mounted in this manner.'\n\nOne night as the Cogia was lying in his bed he perceived a thief moving\nupon the housetop.  Now, the Cogia's wife was lying at his side, and he\nsaid to her, 'O wife, last night wishing to enter the house, I repeated\nthis prayer and descended the chimney on the rays of the moon.'  The\nthief above heard these words of the Cogia, and after a little time,\nrepeating the prayer which the Cogia had repeated, essayed to go down the\nchimney upon the rays of the moon, but tumbled down headlong.  The Cogia,\nwho was not yet sleep, rising in haste, seized the thief by the collar\nand cried out, 'O wife, be quick and light a candle, for I have caught a\nthief!' hereupon the thief exclaimed humorously, 'O Cogia Efendi, don't\nbe in a hurry; the virtue in that prayer being in me was rather too much\nfor me, and so I tumbled down here.'\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi had an old ox which had exceedingly great horns, and so\nfar apart, that it was possible for a person to sit between them.  Every\ntime that the ox drew nigh the Cogia was in the habit of saying to\nhimself, 'How I should like to sit between his horns,' and calculating as\nto the possibility of doing so.  One day the ox came and laid himself\ndown before the house.  Cries the Cogia, 'Now is my time!' and mounting,\nhe took his seat betwixt the ox's two horns.  Presently, however, the ox,\nrising upon his legs, flung the Cogia upon the ground, where he lay for\nsome time quite senseless.  His wife coming and seeing him lying\nmotionless, began to lament.  After some time, the Cogia, recovering a\nlittle, on seeing his wife weeping by his side, exclaimed, 'O wife, do\nnot weep, I have suffered a great deal, but I have had my desire.'\n\nOne day a thief got into the Cogia's house.  Cries his wife, 'O Cogia,\nthere is a thief in the house.'  'Don't make any disturbance,' says the\nCogia.  'I wish to God that he may find something, so that I may take it\nfrom him.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife said to him, 'Go and lie down yonder, a little\nway off.'  The Cogia, getting up, forthwith took his shoes in his hand,\nand walked during two days; at the end of which, meeting a man, he said,\n'Go and ask my wife whether I have gone far enough, or must go yet\nfarther.'\n\nOne night as the Cogia was lying with his wife, he said, 'O wife, if you\nlove me, get up and light a candle, that I may write down a verse which\nhas come into my head.'  His wife, getting up, lighted the candle, and\nbrought him pen and inkstand.  The Cogia wrote, and his wife said, 'O\nEfendi of my soul, won't you read to me what you have written?'  Whereupon\nthe Cogia read, 'Amongst the green leaves methinks I see a black hen go\nwith a red bill.'\n\nOne day the Cogia being ill, a number of women came to inquire about his\nhealth.  One of the women said, 'God knows whether you will die; but if\nyou do, what shall we say when we lament over you?'  'Say this,' said the\nCogia, 'when you lament over me, \"Notwithstanding all he did, he could\nnever understand everything.\"'\n\nCogia Efendi, every time he returned to his house, was in the habit of\nbringing a piece of liver, which his wife always gave to a common woman,\nplacing before the Cogia leavened patties to eat when he came home in the\nevening.  One day the Cogia said, 'O wife, every day I bring home a\nliver: where do they all go to?'  'The cat runs away with all of them,'\nreplied the wife.  Thereupon the Cogia getting up, put his hatchet in the\ntrunk and locked it up.  Says his wife to the Cogia, 'For fear of whom do\nyou lock up the hatchet?'  'For fear of the cat,' replied the Cogia.\n'What should the cat do with the hatchet?' said the wife.  'Why,' replied\nthe Cogia, 'as he takes a fancy to the liver, which costs two aspres, is\nit not likely that he will take a fancy to the hatchet, which costs\nfour?'\n\nOne day the wife of the Cogia wanted to go to the bath.  Now the Cogia\nhad a little money which he kept in a corner hid from his wife.  As she\nwent out of the door she looked back.  'Stay,' said the Cogia, 'I am just\ndead, and here's a little money I have left behind me.'\n\nOne day the Cogia and his wife went to the side of a pool, in order to\nwash their linen.  As they were making a beginning with their linen by\nbeating it upon the plain and using soap to it, a raven coming seized the\nsoap and flew away with it.  'O Cogia,' shrieked the wife, 'the raven has\ntaken away the soap.'  'Say nothing, wife,' said the Cogia, 'it was dirty\nenough after our using it; let him take it and wash it.'\n\nOne day the Cogia and his wife made an agreement to copulate every Friday\nnight.  The wife was perfectly satisfied with the arrangement; 'But,'\nsaid the Cogia, 'let us agree upon a sign by which I may know that the\ntime for doing my duty is come.'  The wife said, 'When Friday night is\ncome I will hang your turban above the alcove; you will know by that that\nit is Friday night.'  'Good, good!' said the Cogia.  One night, however,\nwhich was not Friday night, the Cogia's wife being desirous for\ncopulation, as soon as she arose to go to bed, placed the Cogia's turban\nabove the alcove.  Said the Cogia, 'O wife, this is not Friday night!'\n'It is Friday night,' said the wife.  Whereupon the Cogia said, 'O wife,\nin this house either let Friday night keep the reckoning, or let me.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife went with the wife of a neighbour to wash at a\npool.  It happened that the Governor of the country, who was taking a\nwalk, came up and looked at them.  Said the wife of the Cogia, 'Pray,\nman, what are you looking at?'  'Who is that woman?' said the Governor to\nsome one who was standing by.  'She is the wife of Cogia Nasr Eddin\nEfendi,' replied the individual.  On the following day the Governor,\nsending for the Cogia, said to him, 'Is such and such a woman your wife?'\n'Yes,' said the Cogia, 'she is my wife.'  Said the Governor, 'Go and\nbring her to me.'  'What do you want with her?' said the Cogia.  'I have\na question to ask her,' said the Governor.  'Do you only tell me the\nquestion,' said the Cogia, 'and I will go and put it to her.'\n\nOne day some people said to the Cogia's son, 'What is padligean?'  'It is\na little deaf thing which walks without opening its eyes,' said the\nchild.  'It did not know that of itself: I taught it,' said the Cogia.\n\nOne day a chariot departed for the Castle of Siouri.  The Cogia also set\noff for that place, running quite naked.  The drivers, on arriving at the\ntown, having given information of the Cogia's coming, all the people came\nout to meet him, who, on seeing him quite naked, said, 'O Cogia Efendi,\nwhy do you come in this manner?'  'From the love I bore you,' said the\nCogia.  'I was in such a hurry in dressing, that I forgot my clothes.'\n\nThe Cogia had a scalt head.  Once he went to the barber, had his head\nshaved, paid an aspre, and went away.  The following week he went again,\nwas shaved, and had a looking-glass placed before him.  'As the half of\nmy head is scalt,' said the Cogia, 'is not an aspre for shaving it too\nmuch by half?'\n\nOne day the Cogia went with some men a-fishing.  They cast the net into\nthe sea, and the Cogia cast himself into the net.  'O Cogia,' said they,\n'what are you about?'  'I imagined myself a fish,' said the Cogia.\n\nOne day the boys of the town said to one another, 'Come, let us get the\nCogia to climb a tree, and we will steal away his sandals.'  The boys\ncoming to the foot of a tree stopped, and said, 'No one can climb this\ntree.'  The Cogia coming up, said, 'I can climb it.'  'No, you can't,'\nsaid they.  Forthwith the Cogia tied the skirts of his robe about his\nloins and put his sandals in his bosom.  'O Cogia Efendi,' said the boys,\n'what will you do with your slippers in the tree?'  Said the Cogia, 'If I\nfind a road when I am above there, I shall have my slippers ready to put\non.'\n\nOne day a man coming from the country brought the Cogia a hare.  The\nCogia, with much politeness and civility, gave him some broth to eat.  At\nthe end of a week he came again; but the Cogia appearing to have forgot\nhim, said, 'Who may you be?'  'I am the person who brought the hare,'\nsaid the man; whereupon the Cogia again entertained him.  After some days\na number of men made their appearance and wanted to be entertained.  'Who\nmay you be?' said the Cogia.  'We are the neighbours of the man who\nbrought you the hare,' said they.  A few days after a whole troop of men\narriving, the Cogia asked them who they were?  'We are the neighbours of\nthe neighbours of the man who brought the hare,' said they.  'You are\nquite welcome,' said the Cogia, and placed before them a large jar of\npure water; on seeing which they said, 'What is this?'  'The water of the\nwater of the hare is what it is,' said the Cogia.\n\nOne day the Cogia, whilst labouring in the field, found a tortoise, and,\nseizing hold of it, tied a string round its neck and hung it to his\nspade.  The tortoise beginning to cry and squeal, 'It is of no use\ncrying,' said the Cogia, 'you must now learn to work.'\n\nOne day the Cogia, being on the point of death, called his neighbours\nabout him.  The neighbours coming, began to eat and make merry, without\nsaying to the Cogia, 'Come and partake.'  The Cogia incensed, got up and\nwent out.  After a little time they sought for the Cogia, and could not\nfind him; so dispersing themselves about, they went after him, and at\nlast found him.  'Ho, Cogia,' said they, 'come, where have you got to?'\nSaid the Cogia, 'He who this day supplies the bridal meats has, surely, a\nright to go into the bridal chamber.'\n\nOne day the Cogia, being out on a journey, encamped along with a caravan,\nand tied up his horse along with the others.  When it was morning the\nCogia could not find his horse amongst the rest, not knowing how to\ndistinguish it; forthwith taking a bow and arrow in his hand, he said,\n'Men, men, I have lost my horse.'  Every one laughing, took his own\nhorse; and the Cogia looking, saw a horse which he instantly knew to be\nhis own.  Forthwith placing his right foot in the stirrup, he mounted the\nhorse, so that his face looked to the horse's tail.  'O Cogia,' said\nthey, 'why do you mount the horse the wrong way?'  'It is not my fault,'\nsaid he, 'but the horse's, for the horse is left-handed.'\n\nThe Cogia had a disciple, who was an Abyssinian, black, of the name of\nHamet.  One day Hamet having inadvertently broken a bottle of ink over\nthe Cogia, 'What is this, Cogia?' said the others.  'Don't you think a\nfew good kicks would be a useful lesson to our Hamet?'  'Let him be.  He\ngot into a sweat by running,' said the Cogia, 'and melted over me.'\n\nOne day the Cogia having mounted up into the pulpit, said, 'O Mussulmen,\nI have a piece of advice to give you.  If you have sons, take care that\nyou do not give them the name of Eiioub (Job).'  'Why, O Cogia?' cried\nthe people.  'Lest the quality should accompany the name,' he replied,\n'and they should all become ips (ropes).'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was performing ablution, he found he had not\nsufficient water.  When the hour of prayer came on, he stood like a goose\non one foot.  'O Cogia Efendi,' said the people, 'why do you do so?'\n'Because,' said the Cogia, 'this foot has not performed ablution.'\n\nOne day a man arriving, became the guest of the Cogia.  It happened at\nnight, some time after they had lain down, that the light went out.  'O\nCogia Efendi,' said the guest, 'the taper is gone out.  But there is a\ntaper on your right side; pray bring it, and let us light it.'  'Surely\nyou must be a fool,' said the Cogia.  'How should I know my right side in\nthe dark?'\n\nOne day they said to the Cogia, 'Pray what may be your horoscope?'  Said\nthe Cogia, 'I was born under the sign of the He-goat.'  'O Cogia,' said\nthey, 'there is no such sign as the He-goat.'  Said the Cogia, 'When I\nwas a child my mother had my horoscope taken, and at that time the Kid\nwas in the ascension.'  'O Cogia,' said they, 'that's all right; but a\nkid is one thing and a he-goat is another.'  Said the Cogia, 'O you\nsimpletons!  Forty or fifty years have passed since then.  Must not the\nkid have become an old goat?'\n\nOne day whilst the Cogia was holding an oration at the Castle of Siouri,\nhe was contradicted by the Soubashi or Superintendent.  Shortly after, it\nhappened that the Soubashi died and was buried; whereupon they said,\n'Come, Efendi, preach a sermon over him.'  'You must find some one else,'\nsaid the Cogia.  'He won't mind my words, for he always contradicts me.'\n\nOne day two men were sitting together in a shop before their houses,\nengaged in discourse.  Their houses abutted upon each other, and it so\nhappened that a dog came and deposited his dirt on the ground in the\nmiddle of the street before their houses.  Said one, 'It is nigh your\nhouse.'  'Nay, my good friend,' said the other, 'it is nearest to your\nhouse, so you must go and take it up.'  So they got into a dispute; and\nnot being able to settle it, they went before the Tribunal.  Now it\nhappened that the Cogia had come that day to pay a visit to the Cadi, and\nsat beside him.  Said the Cadi to the Cogia, 'Do you decide upon their\ndispute.'  Thereupon the Cogia said to them, 'Is not that street a public\nway?'  'It is,' said they.  'Then,' said he, 'one half of the perfumery\nbelongs to you two and the other half to the Cadi.'\n\nOne day the Cogia put a yoke upon a calf which he had; the calf ran here\nand there.  Forthwith the Cogia, seizing a stick, fell to banging his ox.\n'O Cogia,' said the people, 'why do you beat the ox; how can he be in\nfault?'  'All the fault is his,' said the Cogia, 'if he had taught him\nthe calf would have known how to turn.'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was travelling in the Derbend he met a shepherd.\nSaid the shepherd to the Cogia, 'Art thou a faquir?'  'Yes,' said the\nCogia.  Said the shepherd, 'See these seven men who are lying here, they\nwere men like you whom I killed because they could not answer questions\nwhich I asked.  Now, in the first place let us come to an understanding;\nif you can answer my questions let us hold discourse, if not, let us say\nnothing.'  Says the Cogia, 'What may your questions be?'  Said the\nshepherd, 'The moon, when it is new, is small, afterwards it increases,\nuntil it looks like a wheel; after the fifteenth, it diminishes, and does\nnot remain; then again, there is a little one, of the size of Hilal,\nwhich does remain.  Now what becomes of the old moons?'  Says the Cogia,\n'How is it that you don't know a thing like that?  They take those old\nmoons and make lightning of them; have you not seen them when the heaven\nthunders, glittering like so many swords?'  'Bravo, Faquir,' said the\nshepherd.  'Well art thou acquainted with the matter, I had come to the\nsame conclusion myself.'\n\nNasr Eddin Efendi, now with God, had a sum of money.  One day, when all\nwas quiet in the house, he dug in the earth and buried it; then going to\nthe door he looked out and said, 'I'll suppose myself a thief, and that I\nfind this, and forthwith take it away and bury it in another place, and\nmy heart is no more troubled about it.'  Thus saying, he came and took up\nhis treasure.  Now before the house there was a height, and the Cogia\ngoing to the garden of the house, cut a pole, and putting the money in a\nsack, tied the sack to the top of the pole, and bringing the pole, stuck\nit up on the top of the height; then going down he looked upwards and\nsaid, 'Unless a man is a bird he cannot fly up to that, I have surely\nchosen a good place,' and having said this, he went away.  Now it\nhappened that a thief saw all that Cogia did, and no sooner was the Cogia\ngone, than he climbed up the height and took down the money, and putting\nupon the top of the pole a quantity of bullock's dung, he stuck up the\npole again and went his way.  Some time afterwards the Cogia being in\nneed of money, came to the foot of the pole and saw that all the money\nwas gone, and that a quantity of bullock's dung was on the pole.  Said\nhe, 'I said that no man could mount this pole and take away the money,\nbut how bullock's dung should get to the top of the pole is a very\nstrange matter indeed.  So,' said the Cogia, 'may the Lord have mercy\nupon him.'\n\nOne day as the Cogia was going to his house, he met a number of students,\nand said to them, 'Gentlemen, pray this night come to our house and taste\na sup of the old father's broth.'  'Very good,' said the students, and\nfollowing the Cogia, came to the house.  'Pray enter,' said he, and\nbrought them into the house; then going up to where his wife was, 'O\nwife,' said he, 'I have brought some travellers that we may give them a\ncup of broth.'  'O master,' said his wife, 'is there oil in the house or\nrice, or have you brought any that you wish to have broth?'  'Bless me,'\nsaid the Cogia, 'give me the broth pan,' and snatching it up, he\nforthwith ran to where the students were, and exclaimed, 'Pray, pardon\nme, gentlemen, but had there been oil or rice in our house, this is the\npan in which I would have served the broth up to you.'\n\nOne day the Cogia going into the kitchen of his house, laid himself down;\npresently the Cogia's daughter entering into the kitchen to fetch\nsomething, saw her father lying hidden behind a cask.  'O my lord and\nfather, what do you do here?' said she.  'What could I better do to get\nout of your mother's way than come into this foreign country,' said the\nCogia.\n\nOne day when the Cogia was in his chamber, a man knocked at the door of\nthe house.  'What do you want?' said the Cogia from above.  'Come down,'\nsaid the man, who was a beggar.  The Cogia forthwith came down and said,\n'What do you want?'  'I want your charity,' said the man.  'Come\nupstairs,' said the Cogia.  When the beggar had come up, the Cogia said,\n'God help you.'  'O master,' said the other, 'why did you not say so\nbelow?'  Said the Cogia, 'When I was above stairs, why did you bring me\ndown.'\n\nOnce upon a time the wife of the Cogia was in labour; one day, two days,\nshe sat upon the chair but could not bring forth; the women who attended\nher cried from the interior apartment to the Cogia: 'O master, do you\nknow no prayer by means of which the child may be brought into the\nworld?'  'I know a specific,' said the Cogia, and forthwith running to a\ngrocer's shop he procured some walnuts, and bringing them he said, 'Make\nway,' and going into the room he spread the walnuts under the chair, and\nsaid: 'Now that the child sees the walnuts he will come out to play with\nthem.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife, in order to plague the Cogia, boiled some broth\nexceedingly hot, brought it into the room and placed it on the table.  The\nwife then, forgetting that it was hot, took a spoon and put some into her\nmouth, and, scalding herself, began to shed tears.  'O wife,' said the\nCogia, 'what is the matter with you; is the broth hot?'  'Dear Efendi,'\nsaid the wife, 'my mother, who is now dead, loved broth very much; I\nthought of that, and wept on her account.'  The Cogia thinking that what\nshe said was truth, took a spoonful of the broth, and burning his mouth\nbegan to cry and bellow.  'What is the matter with you?' said his wife;\n'why do you cry?'  Said the Cogia, 'You cry because your mother is gone,\nbut I cry because her daughter is here.'\n\nOne day the Cogia's wife went to the hall of preaching; and, after\nlistening to the sermon, came home.  Said the Cogia, 'O wife, what did\nthe preacher say?'  'He said,' replied the wife, 'that if any one has a\nnight's copulation with his lawful wife the Almighty God will build for\nhim a mansion in paradise.'  After they had gone to bed the Cogia said,\n'Come, let us build a house in paradise.'  Thereupon they copulated.\nShortly afterwards the wife said, 'O Cogia, you have built a house for\nyourself, pray now build a house for me!'  Said the Cogia, 'I could\neasily build a house for you, but I fear that I should have to build\nhouses for your father and mother, and not only for them, but for all\nyour family and relations, so that the Master Builder above would become\nangry.  Come, one house must suffice for us two.'\n\nOne day the Cogia met a company of young students and said unto them,\n'Pray come along with me to our house.'  So he led them to the door of\nthe house and then said, 'Pray stay here a little, whilst I go in.'  Then\ngoing in he said, 'O wife, pray go and send those people away.'  Whereupon\nthe wife went and said, 'The Cogia is not come home.'  Said the students,\n'What do you mean by talking so?  The Cogia came hither in our company.'\n'He did not come,' said the wife.  'But he did,' said the students, and\nmade a great outcry.  The Cogia hearing a noise from above, thrust his\nhead out of the window, exclaiming, 'Holloa, my men: what is all this\ndispute for?  You must know that this house has two doors.  No sooner did\nI come in by one than I left the house by the other.'\n\nOne day the son of the Cogia said, 'O Father, I know that I was begotten\nby you.'  His mother becoming very angry, said, 'What nonsense is the\nbrat talking that he calls himself the son of a whore?'  Said the Cogia,\n'O wife, don't be angry, he is a wise son if he knows what he says he\ndoes.'\n\nOnce on a time there was a drunken Governor of Siouri Castle.  It\nhappened one day that he lay in a state of drunkenness in the garden; and\nthe Cogia taking a walk in the garden with Amad, came up and found him\nlying drunk and insensible.  The Cogia instantly stripped him of his\nferadje or upper coat, and putting it on his own back, walked away.  On\nthe other hand, the Governor, on getting up, saw that he had lost his\nferadje, and going to his officers gave them the following command,\n'Whomsoever you find with my feradje upon him, lay hold on and bring him\nbefore me.'  The officials seeing the feradje on the back of the Cogia,\nmade him their prisoner, and brought him before the Governor, who said to\nhim, 'Ho, Cogia, where did you find that feradje?'  'As I was taking a\nwalk with Amad,' said the Cogia, 'we saw a fellow lying drunk; whereupon\nAmad twice uncovered his breech, and I, taking off his feradje, went away\nwith it.  If it is yours, pray take it.'  'Oh no, it does not belong to\nme,' said the Governor.\n\nOne day the Cogia having lain down to sleep on the bank of a river\nimagined himself dead.  An individual coming up said, 'I wonder where one\ncould cross this water.'  Said the Cogia, 'When I was alive I crossed\nover here, but now I can't tell you where you should cross.'\n\nOne day a Persian barber was shaving the Cogia's head.  At every stroke\nof his razor he cut his head, and to every place which he cut he applied\na piece of cotton.  Said the Cogia to the barber, 'My good fellow, you\nhad better sow half of my head with cotton and let me sow the other half\nwith flax.'\n\nOne time the Cogia went to the well to draw water, but seeing the face of\nthe moon reflected in the well, he exclaimed, 'The moon has fallen into\nthe well, I must pull it out.'  Then going home, he took a rope and hook,\nand returning, cast it into the well, where the hook became fastened\nagainst a stone.  The Cogia, exerting all his might, pulled at the rope,\nonce, twice, but at the second pulling the rope snapped, and he fell upon\nhis back, and looking up into the heaven, saw the moon, whereupon he\nexclaimed, 'O praise and glory, I have suffered much pain, but the moon\nhas got to its place again.'\n\nOne day the Cogia going into a person's garden climbed up into an apricot-\ntree and began to eat the apricots.  The master coming said, 'Cogia, what\nare you doing here?'  'Dear me,' said the Cogia, 'don't you see that I am\na nightingale sitting in the apricot-tree?'  Said the gardener, 'Let me\nhear you sing.'  The Cogia began to warble.  Whereupon the other fell to\nlaughing, and said, 'Do you call that singing?'  'I am a Persian\nnightingale,' said the Cogia, 'and Persian nightingales sing in this\nmanner.'\n\nThe Cogia, now with God, was master of all learning, and perfect in every\nart.  If some people should now say, 'We were in hope of receiving\ninstruction from his sayings, but have read nothing but the ravings of\nmadness'; and if they should require some other book of his utterances,\nwe must tell them that he uttered nothing beyond what is noted here.  Some\npeople say that, whilst uttering what seemed madness, he was, in reality,\ndivinely inspired, and that it was not madness but wisdom that he\nuttered.  The mercy of God be upon him, mercy without bounds.","title":"The Turkish Jester: or, The Pleasantries of Cogia Nasr Eddin Effendi","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":13537}