{"collection":"scripture-revelation","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_29449/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_29449","id":"gutenberg_29449","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/29449","summary":null,"tags":["Category: Religion/Spirituality","Mysticism"],"text":"Produced by Ruth Hart\n\n\n\n\nTHE GOLDEN FOUNTAIN\nor,\nThe Soul's Love for God\nBeing some Thoughts and Confessions of One of His Lovers\n\nBy\n\nLilian Staveley\n\n\nLondon\nJohn M. Watkins\n21 Cecil Court, Charing Cross Road, W.C.2\n1919\n\n\n\n\nHow many of us inwardly feel a secret longing to find God; and this\nusually accompanied by the perception that we are confronted by an\nimpenetrable barrier--we cannot find Him--we can neither go\nthrough this barrier nor climb over it! We have faith. We are able to\nadmit that He exists, for we cannot help but perceive a Will\ndominating the laws of the Universe; but something deep within us\nthat we cannot put a name to, something subtle, secret, and strange,\ncries aloud, \"But I need more than this, it is not enough; I need to\npersonally find and know Him. Why does He not permit me to do\nso?\"\n\nWe might easily answer ourselves by remembering that if, in\neveryday life, we greatly desire to see a friend, our best way of\ndoing so is by going in the direction in which he is to be found: we\nshould consider this as obvious. Then let us apply this, which we say\nis so obvious, to God. We waste too much time looking for Him in\nimpossible directions and by impossible means. He is not to be\nfound by merely studying lengthy arguments, brilliant explanations\nof theological statements, or controversies upon the meanings of\nobscure dogmas. He is not even to be found through organising\ncharity concerts and social reforms however useful. We shall find\nHim through a self stripped bare of all other interests and\npretensions--stripped bare of everything but a humble and\npassionately seeking _heart._\n\nHe says to the soul, \"Long for Me, and I will show Myself. Desire\nMe with a great desire, and I will be found.\"\n\n* * *\n\nScattered all through history are innumerable persons, both great\nand insignificant, who looked for the Pearl of Great Price: and not\ntoo many would seem to have found it. Some sought by study, by\nintelligence; some by strict and pious attention to outward\nceremonial service; some by a \"religious\" life; some even by\npenance and fasting. Those who found sought with the heart. Those\nwho sought with careful piety, or with intelligence, found perhaps\nfaith and submission, but no joy. The Pearl is that which cannot be\ndescribed in words. It is the _touch of God Himself upon the soul,_\nthe Joy of Love.\n\n* * *\n\nThe entrance to the land of happiness and peace is through union of\nthe will to Christ, by love. How can this sense of love be reached?\nBy centring the wheel of the mind, with its daily spinning thoughts,\nupon the Man Jesus, and learning to inwardly see and hold on to the\nperfect simplicity and love of Jesus Christ. We can form the habit of\ntaking Jesus as our heart and mind companion. We are all aware of\nthe unceasing necessity of the mind to fill itself: we cannot have\n_no_ thoughts until we have advanced in the spiritual life to a long\ndistance. We may well see, in this, one of the provisions made by\nGod for His own habitation in the mind of man--a habitation too\noften hideously usurped by every kind of unworthy substitute. Petty\nsocial interests and occupations, personal animosities, ambitions,\nworries, a revolving endless chaos of futilities, known and praised\nby too many of us as \"a busy life\"!--the mind being given\nopportunity only at long intervals, and usually at stated and set times,\nto dwell upon the thought of God, and the marvellous future of the\nhuman spirit. We are like travellers who, about to start out upon a\ngreat journey, pack their portmanteaus with everything that will be\n_perfectly useless to them!_\n\nNow, it is possible to put out and obliterate this chaotic and useless\nstate of mind, which would appear to be the \"natural mind,\" and to\nopen ourselves to receive the might and force and the joys and\ndelights of Christ's Mind. These joys are the Heart of Christ\nspeaking to the heart of His lover. They are incomparable: beyond\nall imagination until we know them; and we receive them and\nperceive them and enjoy them as we have largeness and capacity to\ncontain them. For there is no end. He has ever more to give if we\nwill be but large enough to receive.\n\nWe are too absorbed in the puerile interests and occupations of daily\nlife. We make of these endless occupations a virtue. They are no\nvirtue, but a deadly hindrance, for they keep us too busy to look for\nthe one thing needful--the Kingdom of God. What is this world? It is\na schoolhouse for lovers, and we are lovers in the making.\n\nIs baptism of itself sufficient to get us into this Kingdom? No. Is the\nleading of an orderly social life sufficient to find it? No. Is the hope,\neven the earnest expectation, that we shall, by some means or other\n(we do not know by what!), be brought to it, sufficient to find it? No;\nnot without the _personal laying hold_ can we ever achieve it. Shall\nwe find it in much outward study? No; and our aim is, not to be the\nstudent but the possessor; and the key to this possession is not in\nbooks, but, for us, in Jesus. He it is who must be invited and\nadmitted into the heart with great tenderness--with all those virtues\nfor which He stands--and made the centre point of thought. Out of\nconstant thought grows tenderness; out of tenderness, affection; out\nof affection, love. Love once firmly fixed in the heart for Jesus, we\nget a perception (by contrast) of our own faults--very painful, and\nknown as repentance. This should be succeeded at once by change\nof mind, _i.e._ we try to push out the old way of thinking and acting\nand take on a new way. We try, in fact, strenuously to please the\nBeloved, to be in harmony with Him; and now we have established a\npersonal relationship between ourselves and Christ.\n\nWith the perception of our own failings comes the necessary\nhumility and the drastic elimination of all prides. We remember, too,\nthat although Jesus is so near to us, and our own Beloved, He is also\nthe mighty Son of God.\n\nHe is also the mystical Christ, who, when we are ready, leads us to\nthe Father: which is to say, that we are suddenly stricken with the\nconsciousness of and the love for God; and here we enter that most\nwonderful of all earthly experiences--the Soul's great Garden of\nHappiness.\n\nTo be a student of theories, dogmas, laws, and writings of men is to\nbe involved in endless controversy; and we may study books till we\nare sick, and embrace nothing but vapour for all our pains. To be a\npupil and possessor we must first establish the personal relationship\nbetween ourselves and Jesus. To do this we must realise more fully\nthan we now do that He _still lives._ The mind is inclined to dwell\non Him mostly as _having lived._ When we have taught ourselves to\nrealise that Jesus is as intensely alive to everything that we do as He\nwas when He visibly walked with men--that Jesus is as easily aware\nof our inmost thoughts and endeavours now as He was of the secret\nthoughts of His disciples,--then we shall have brought Him much\ncloser into our own life.\n\nAs the possessor of life is not the student of schools, but is the pupil\nof Christ, let us prepare ourselves to be pupils; and this again we do\nsolely by the help of the Man-Jesus, who is in Christ, and Christ in\nJesus. For the Christ-God is at first too strong a meat for us: we\ncannot with fullness understand that He is God, but He Himself will\nteach us this when we are ready to know it. To know this truth in its\nfullness is already to possess eternal life.\n\nAs no man is able to give us eternal life, so no man is able to give us\nthe knowledge that Christ is God, as He willed to reveal Himself to\nman. If we have doubts which hurt, let us drop them out, changing\nthe thought quickly to the sweetness, simplicity, and gentleness of\nthe Man-Jesus. If we have questionings, let us cease to question, and\nsay with the man of old, \"Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief.\"\n\nWe do well to avoid these questionings, pryings, and curiosities, for\nwhen we indulge in such things we are like that common servant\nwho does not disdain to peep through the keyhole of his master's\nchamber! Let us put such spiritual vulgarities upon one side, and,\nopening our heart to lovely Love, take Him as our only guide. Love\ndraws us very rapidly to His own abiding-place, for we are made of\nlove, and because of love, and for love, and to Love we must return,\nfor He awaits us with longing.\n\n* * *\n\nWe often think, Where am I at fault? I am unable to _see_ myself as\na sinner, though publicly I confess myself to be one. For I keep the\ncommandments; I am friendly to my neighbours; I am just to my\nfellow-men; I can think of no particular harm that I do. Why, then,\nam I a sinner? And our very modesty and reverence may forbid us to\ncompare ourselves with God. Yet here lies our mistake; for if we\nwould enter the Garden of Happiness and Peace, which is the\nKingdom of God, this is the commencement of our advance--that we\nshould compare ourselves in all things with God, in whose likeness\nwe are made, and, making such full observation as we are able of the\nterrible gulfs between ourselves and Him, should with tears and\nhumility and constant endeavour be at great pains and stress to make\ngood to Him our deficiencies.\n\n     \"Be ye perfect as I am perfect.\"\n     \"Be ye holy as I am holy.\"\n\nIf this were not attainable, He would not have set so high a goal. In\nthis, then, we are sinners--that we are not pure and lovely as God\nHimself! This is a prodigious, an almost unthinkable height; yet He\nwills us to attempt it, and all the powers of Heaven are with us as we\nclimb.\n\n* * *\n\nFear curiosity. Fear it more than sin. Curiosity is the root, and sin\nthe flower. This is one of the reasons why we should never seek God\nmerely with the intelligence: to do so is to seek Him, in part at least,\nwith curiosity. God will not be peeped upon by a curious humanity.\nThe indulgence in curiosity would of itself explain the whole\ndownfall, so called, of man.\n\nThe Soul is the Prodigal. Curiosity _to know_ led her away from the\nhigh heavens. Love is her only way of return.\n\nCuriosity is the mother of all infidelity, whether of the spirit or of\nthe body.\n\n* * *\n\nThough on reading the Gospels carefully we may be unable to come\nto any other conclusion than that Jesus Christ neither prayed for nor\ndied for all mankind, but only for the elect, yet we see equally\nclearly that all mankind is _invited to be the elect._ We are, then,\nnot individually sure of heaven because Jesus died upon a cross for\nmen; but sure of heaven for ourselves, only if we individually will to\nlive and think and act in such a manner that _we become of the\nelect._\n\n\"Him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out,\" says the Voice\nof the Beloved.\n\n* * *\n\nIn our early stages, how we shrink from the mere word, or idea, of\nperfection; and later, what we would give to be able to achieve it!\nYet though we shrink so from the thought of it, we know\ninstinctively that we must try to approach it; if we would stay near\nHim, we must be wholly pleasing to Him. We think of saints--we\nknow nothing of saints, but think of them as most unusual persons\nmidway between men and angels, and know ourselves not fashioned\nfor any such position: and how change ourselves, how alter our\ncharacter, as grown men and women?\n\nIt is Christ who can show us the way.\n\nThe Water of Life is the Mind of Christ, and the true object of life is\nto learn how to receive this Mind of Christ: for by it and with it we\nenter the Kingdom of God. And how shall we receive the Mind of\nChrist? Here is our difficulty. Firstly, we may do it through\nsympathy with, and a drawing near to, the Man-Jesus, accompanied\nby such drastic changes of mind as we are able to accomplish _to\nshow our goodwill._ We may learn to become more unselfish, more\npatient, more sympathetic to others, and to curb the tongue, so that\nwords which are untrue or unkind shall not slip off it. We can learn\nto govern the animal that is in us, instead of being governed by it.\nNo one could have a better guide in how to improve the condition of\nhis mind than Aaron Crane's book, _Right and Wrong Thinking._\n\nAnd next, having become well knitted to the Man-Jesus, the Christ\nwill draw us forward step by step through all the next inward stages,\nwe giving to Him our attention; and He will bring us finally to that\nmarvellous condition of God-consciousness by which He is able to\nperpetually refresh and renew us. There is one great first rule to hold\nto, which is _to think lovingly of Jesus_: in this way we eventually\nand automatically _come into a state of love._ In which state He will\nteach us to put out our own little light, that we may learn to live by\nthe lovely light of God. And we have entered the Kingdom!\n\nFor myself, I experienced three conversions: the first two of terrible\nsuffering, and the third of great and marvellous joy, in which it is no\nexaggeration to say that for a few moments I seemed to receive God\nand all the freedom of the Heavens into my soul. I am not able to\nsay exactly how long this experience lasted, for I was dead to time\nand place, but I should judge it to have been from fifteen to twenty\nminutes.\n\nThe first conversion came upon me one afternoon in my room, as I\ncame in from walking. I had been thinking of Jesus while I walked,\nas I was often in the habit of doing. Without any intention or\npremeditation on my part, I was now suddenly overwhelmed by a\nmost horrible, unbearable, inexplicable pain of remorse for my\nvileness: for I seemed suddenly to be aware of Him standing there in\nHis marvellous purity and looking at me--not with any reproach, but\nwith the sweetness of a wonderful Invitation upon His face. And\nimmediately I saw myself utterly unworthy to come near Him: and I\nwrithed in the agony of this fearful perception of my unworthiness\ntill I could bear no more. I was sick and ill with remorse and regret, I\nwas utterly broken up by it. I did not know then that this awful pain\nis what is known as repentance, and wondered secretly what could\nhave come to me. After this I found myself far more constantly\nthinking of Jesus--exchanging, as it were, sweet confidences with\nHim, telling Him what I thought, and endeavouring in every\npossible way to follow His manner of thought. I am ashamed to say\nI was very remiss and lazy in prayers; upon my knees I prayed very\nlittle indeed. But I was very faithful and warm and tender to Him in\nmy heart, and this had an effect upon my mind and actions, and\ncontinued for two years.\n\nI would be assailed by many questionings during this time. For\ninstance, how could my sweet Jesus, whom I was always so near to,\nbe the mighty Christ and God? But I dropped these out as they came,\nfeeling myself altogether too small to understand these things, and\nvery much frightened by such greatnesses.\n\nWhen I was alone with Jesus, all was so simple and so lovely; so I\nput away all other thoughts and held closely to Jesus.\n\nThis having continued almost exactly the two years, upon Easter\nmorning, at the close of the service, the horrible anguish came on\nme again as I knelt in the church. I was not able to move or to show\nmy face for more than an hour; and to this day I am not able to dwell\nupon the memory of that awful pain, for I think I should go mad if I\nhad to enter again into so great a torture of the spirit. I endured to\nthe utmost limit of my capacity for suffering--for this I will say of\nmyself, I did not draw back, but went on to the bitter end. And the\nsuffering was caused by the sight of that most terrible of all sights:\nthe vision of myself as over against the vision of Jesus Christ, and I\ndied a death for every fault. Whoever has felt the true wailing of the\nsoul, such an one knows the heights of all spiritual pain. The heart\nand mind, or creature, suffers in depths; but the soul in heights, and\nthis at one and the same time, so that the pain of repentance is\neverywhere. And the depth of the suffering of the creature is coequal\nwith the height of the suffering of the soul, and the joint suffering of\nboth would seem to be of coequal promise and merit for their after\njoy and glory; so that it would seem that the more horrible our pain,\nthe quicker is our deliverance and the greater our later joys.\n\nAfter this, Jesus, without my knowing how it came about, passed out\nfrom the Perfect Man into the Christ of God. I walked and talked\nwith Him no longer just as sweet Jesus, but as the Marvellous and\nMighty Risen Lord! And now I became far more changed. The\nworld and all earthly loves began to fade; they no longer satisfied or\nfilled me in the least. How could I contemplate His exquisite\nperfections, the ineffable beauties of His mind and heart, and,\nturning from these to the sight of the world and of the men and\nwomen that I knew, not feel the difference? Where among my\nfriends could I find perfect love? Amongst husbands and wives? No.\nAmongst mothers and children? No. For everywhere I saw discord,\nsecret selfishness, separate and divided desires, and many deceits. I\nfound no love anywhere like His for us. I was always an epicure in\nthe matter of love, and knew the best when I found it. I continued\nwith my social and home life exactly as before: the change was an\ninward change.\n\nAlmost immediately after this the war came, and, with it, torments\nof anxiety over my earthly loves.\n\nThe fearful anxieties I was in drove me to prayer. I began to pray\nmore regularly; but though I prayed, I remained as miserable as\nbefore. A painful illness came, and lasted four months. I had no\nhome because of the war, and nowhere to be ill in peace: and I drank\nand ate wretchedness as my daily bread and wine, and wondered\nwhy I ever was born.\n\nI cannot recall I was ever rebellious. No, I never was. I walked in a\nmaze of trouble, and endured like a poor dumb thing, _and did not\nthrow out my heart to God enough_ in prayer. If I had done this I\nthink I should have been through my pains in half the time.\n\nTwo years went by, and, being in greater anxiety than ever because\nof a great battle that was going on and my love at the front of it, I\nwent up on the hill where I often went, and standing there I\ncontended with God, crying out, \"It is too much--the pain of this war\nis too great and too long; I cannot bear it. I am at an end of\neverything. Help me! Help me!\" And in my anguish I seemed at last\nto be melted and running like water before Him, and I came before\nHim as it were immediately before a mighty and living Presence,\nthough I saw nothing.\n\nBut though I was so near Him and appealed to Him with the whole\nof my strength, there was no answer, no reply, but the great silence\nof heaven.\n\nAt last, my agony over, I walked for a little, very quiet and very sad,\nand all at once a marvellous thing happened to me. I will not here\ndescribe how it was done to me, but He filled me with love for\nHimself, an amazing, all-absorbing, and tremendous love--from the\ncrown of my head to the soles of my feet I was filled with love. And\nthis was His answer--and all my sorrows fled away in a great joy.\n\nThis third conversion produced a fundamental alteration of my\nwhole outlook and grasp on life. It brought me into direct contact\nwith God, and was the commencement of a total change of heart and\nmind and consciousness; the centre of my consciousness, without\nany effort of my own, suddenly moving bodily from a concentration\nupon the visible or earthly to a loving and absorbed concentration\nupon, and a fixed attention to, the Invisible God--a most\namazing, undreamed-of change, which remained permanent, though\nfluctuating through innumerable degrees of intensity before coming\nto a state of equilibrium. And now Christ went away from me, so\nthat I adored Him in God. After this for some weeks I went through\nextraordinary spiritual experiences, the like of which had never\npreviously so much as entered into my heart to imagine; again I will\nsay nothing here of these. I came to all these experiences with great\ninnocence and ignorance, never having read any religious or\npsychological book, and I think now that it is perhaps easier to have\nit so.\n\nKnowing that nothing is done without a purpose, I would question\nmyself what I could possibly be intended to learn out of these things;\nand though I have never yet found a reason for any one given\nexperience, yet I see this: the whole (which lasted for some\nweeks and was gone through at night and always in a state of\nsemi-wakefulness, though not in a normal wakefulness, for the body\nwould be stiff and set like a board)--the whole was the most\nconvincing proof that He could have given me (without destroying\nmy flesh) of the reality of the life unseen. For how otherwise could\nwe be made to know of the reality of spiritual things if we were\nnever _taken into_ them? And having been taken into them, and\nthey being a thousand times more poignant than any earthly\nexperience, how could we forget them? Whenever doubts upon\nanything presented themselves, I had nothing more to do than to\nRemember! Nothing He could have devised to do for me could have\nbeen of greater or more direct assistance to me. These experiences\nwere to my creature what the centre-board is to the racing yacht.\nWith these memories I could keep an even keel, and without them I\nmust have capsized many a time.\n\nBy these spiritual experiences He gives us an immense courage, and\npersonal knowledge of a mysterious and hitherto unknown life of\njoys so great and so intense that all sufferings endured by us here\nappear to us in their true light as being a melting and cleansing\nagency infinitely worth while, that we may gain in permanence such\nexquisite felicity.\n\nOur means of reaching a personal experience, whilst still in the body,\nof such a life of joys is to harmonise the spirit of our human creature\nto the degree of purity required by the soul to enable her in\nunfettered freedom to perform her divine functions.\n\nWe confuse in our minds the two separate essences--that of the soul\nand that of the human spirit (heart, intelligence, and will), which are\nwidely different; the soul acting for us as the wings of the creature.\nAnd above and superior to the soul, and yet within it, is the divine\nand incorruptible Spirit or Sparkle of God, which in its turn acts as\nthe wings of the soul. So we have the worm (or creature-spirit), the\nsoul; and the Celestial Spark, or Divine Intelligence of the soul,\nwhich is the organ of God, and with which we are able to come in\n_sensible contact_ with the divine world and God Himself. What are\nour enemies? Selfishness, impatience, covetousness, pride,\nill-temper, bodily indulgences, and, above all, indifference to God of\nthe will of the creature.\n\nAfter this third, and last, conversion upon the hill, which so altered\nmy whole life, I was for a period of some months in such a state of\nexaltation and enhancement of all my faculties that I did not know\nmyself at all. I was, without any intention or endeavour on my own\npart, suddenly become like a veritable House of Arts! The most\nbeautiful music flowed through my mind, in which I noticed certain\npeculiarities--there was no sadness in it, and it swayed me so that I\nseemed to go into a state of white-heat with emotion over it. It was\nextraordinarily much smoother than any earth-music I ever heard,\nand extremely consecutive, like a fluid. Now with earth-music I find\nthat even Wagner is not able to achieve any consecutive perfection:\nhe reaches to a height--only to fall back and disappoint. But this\nother music, which is not heard with the senses but is invariably felt\nby the soul, remains at extreme and fluid perfection, and casts such\nspells over the listener that he is beside himself with enjoyment.\nColour and form, imagery of all kinds, would pass through me till I\nfelt like an artist, and cried out with regret, \"Oh, if I had only studied\nthis or that art and knew the grounding of it, what heights of\nproficiency I could reach now!\" An object of quite ordinary charm\nseemed, because of that something which now filled me, to expand\ninto prodigious beauty! The very pavements and houses, mean and\nhideous as they are, overflowed with some inexplicable glamour.\nThe world was turned into a veritable paradise! When I thought of it\nall I was filled with amazement, and still am, for how can we\nexplain such changes in manner of living and seeing? At this time\nmy only trouble or difficulty was to conceal my condition from\nothers.\n\nBut this wonderful state of things gradually passed away, and I went\ninto a most difficult condition. At one time of the day I would be in\nan ecstasy of delight, and an hour later in some altogether\nunreasonable depth of wretchedness. I went to and fro from one\nextreme to the other, and my time was, I think, mostly spent in\ntrying to regain some kind of balance. My love for God was as great\nas ever, but it had become a love all made of tears. Indeed, my\nwhole being seemed made of tears. I thought often of these words,\nthe peace of God; most certainly I had not found it. On the contrary,\nmy life had become an indescribable turmoil. I found no help from\nmy fellow-beings; I seemed to have lost the power of talking\npleasantly with them, and my point of view had become different\nfrom theirs. Men could no longer please me, and I could not please\nGod! I was entirely alone spiritually, and I said to myself it would\nbe better if I could be alone physically as well; and I ached and\nlonged and dreamed of solitude till it was like a sickness. But the\nonly solitude I could have was in my own room.\n\nNow, believing myself to be a sensible and practical person, I would\nsay to myself that my condition, being so unreasonable, must be got\nout of, and I must make every effort to do it. I prayed for two\nthings--that I might love God with a cheerful countenance and not with\ntears, and that He would teach me quickly what to pray for; and He\ngave me the impulse to pray for more and greater love.\n\nNext, I banished my own feelings as much as I could (since love\nmust not think of itself), paying as little attention to them as possible\nby perpetually dropping them out as they came and returning to the\nthought of Jesus, concerning myself at all times of the day to loving\ninward conversation with Him; and in this manner I fastened myself\ncloser than ever to Him, continually praying for greater love to give\nHim and passionately offering Him all that I already had, whilst\nwith all my will and strength I tried to climb out of my miserable\nstate. Soon I succeeded--I was out of it in a matter of weeks.\n\n* * *\n\nHow humanity is extolled by its own kind! How men are admired,\neven glorified! I am amazed, for where is the glory of any man? But\nrather, how wonderful and glorious is God! that He should cause to\nspring from one handful of dust such possibilities! Wonderful God!\nAnd blessed man, that he should have so wonderful a God!\n\n* * *\n\nSome men say that man has invented for himself the thought of God,\nbecause of the great need he feels within himself for such a Being.\n\nYet look where we will in Nature, do we find a warrant for such a\nthought? Are babes inspired with the desire for milk, and is that milk\nwithheld from the nature of all mothers? No; to the babe is given the\ndesire because the mother has wherewith to satisfy. So with grown\nmen: for to us is given a deep and secret desire for the milk of God's\nlove, and to Himself He has reserved the joy of leading us to it and\nbestowing it upon us.\n\n* * *\n\nSometimes for a short while the soul will suffer from a sickness (I\nspeak now for persons already very well advanced); she is parched\nand without sweetness. Her love has no joy in it. This is not a\ncondition to be accepted or acquiesced in, but must be overcome at\nonce by a remedy of prayer: prayer addressed to the Father, _in the\nname of Jesus Christ,_ a prayer of praise and adoration--\"I praise\nand bless and love and thank Thee, I praise and bless and love and\nworship Thee, I praise and bless and love and glorify Thee\"--till the\nheart is fired and we return to the intimacy of love. Or the Lord's\nPrayer, very slow, and with an intention both outgoing and\n_intaking._ So far I have never known these remedies to fail, and\njoy floods the soul and sends her swinging up, up, on to the topmost\nheights again. It is magnificent.\n\nHow is it that we can pass so, up from the visible into the Invisible,\nand become so oned with it, and feel it so powerfully, that the\nInvisible becomes a thousand times more real to us than the visible!\nIt is like a different manner of living altogether. And when anyone\nso living finds himself even for a short time unfastened from this\nway of living and back again to what is known to the average as\nnormal life, this normal life seems no better to him than some\nhorrible chaotic and uneven turmoil, and his brain ready to be turned\nif he had to remain in it for long. When so unfastened, the whole\nsavour of life is completely gone, and a smallness of mind and\noutlook is fallen back into from which the soul recoils in horror and\nstruggles quickly to free herself.\n\nIs this the remnant of the unruly creature rising up and grappling\nwith the soul again? Is this some deliberate trial of us by the Master?\nor some natural spiritual sickness? Whilst in this condition we must\ndisappoint the Beloved. On the other hand, we find ourselves kept\nto the knowledge of our own impotence and nothingness and\ndependence, and the spirit is strengthened by the efforts made\nquickly to recover the lost beautiful estate.\n\nAlso we become more able to feel true patience and compassion for\nsuch others as do not know the way of escape. So we gain, maybe,\nmore than we lose.\n\n* * *\n\nWe may wonder how it is that the Mighty Maker of the Universe\nshould choose to condescend to the mere individual piece of clay. It\nis incomprehensible. It is so incomprehensible that there is but one\nway of looking at it. This is no favouritism to the individual, but the\nevidence of a Mind with a vast plan pursuing a way and using a\nlikely individual. These individuals or willing souls He takes and,\nsetting them apart, fashions them to His own ends and liking. Of one\nHe will make a worker, and of another He fashions to Himself a\nlover. It would seem to be His will to use the human implement to\nhelp the human. As water, for usefulness to the many, must be\ncollected and put through channels, so it would seem must the\nbeneficence of God be collected into human vessels and channels\nthat it may be distributed for the use of the many and the more\nfeeble.\n\n* * *\n\nThe more any man will consider humanity, the more he will see that\nthe education of the heart and will is of more importance than the\neducation of the brain. For in the perfectly trained and educated\nheart and will we find the evidence of highest wisdom.\n\n* * *\n\nWhy mortify the body with harsh austerities? When we over-mortify\nthe body with fastings, pains, and penances we are _remembering\nthe flesh._ Let us aim at the forgetting and not the despising of the\nflesh. A sick body can be a great hindrance to the soul. By keeping\nthe body in a state of perfect wholesomeness we can more easily\npass away from the recollection of it. Chastise the mind rather than\nthe body. Christ taught, not the contempt or wilful neglect of the\nbody, but the humble submission of the body to all _circumstances,_\nthe obedience of the will to God, and the glorious and immeasurable\npossibilities of the human spirit.\n\n* * *\n\nWe know that the love of the heart can be beautiful and full of zeal\nand fervour; but the love of the soul by comparison to it is like a\nfurnace, and the capacities of the heart are not worthy to be named\nin the same breath. Yet, deplorable as is the heart of man, it is\nevidently desired by God, and must be given to Him before He will\nwaken the soul. To my belief, we are quite unable to awaken our\nown soul, though we are able to _will_ to love God with the heart,\nand through this we pass up to the border of the Veil of Separation,\nwhere He will _sting the soul into life_ and we have Perception.\n\nAfter which the soul will often be swept or plucked up into\nimmeasurable glories and delights which are neither imagined nor\ncontrived, nor even desired by her at first--for how can we desire\nthat which we have never heard of and cannot even imagine? And\nthese delights are unimaginable before the soul is caught up into\nthem, and to my experience they constantly differ. The soul knows\nherself to be in the hands and the power of another, outside herself.\nShe does not enter these joys of her own power or of her own will,\nbut by permission and intention and will of a force outside herself\nthough perceived and known inside herself. No lovers of arguments\nor guessing games can move the soul to listen when she has once\nbeen so handled. For to know is more than to guess.\n\n* * *\n\nHow can a Contact with God be in any way described? It is not\nseeing, but meeting and fusion with awareness. The soul retaining\nher own individuality and consciousness to an intense degree, but\nimbued with and fused into a life of incredible intensity, which\npasses through the soul vitalities and emotions of a life so new, so\nvivid, so amazing, that she knows not whether she has been\nembraced by love or by fire, by joy or by anguish: for so fearful is\nher joy that she is almost unable to endure the might of it. And how\ncan the heat or fire of God be described? It is very far from being\nlike the cruelty of fire, and yet it is so tremendous that the mind\nknows of little else to compare it to. But it is like a vibration of great\nspeed and heat, like a fluid and magnetic heat.\n\nThis heat is of many degrees and of several kinds. The heat of Christ\nis mixed with indescribable sweetness: giving marvellous pleasure\nand refreshment and happiness, and wonderfully adapted to the\ndelicacy of the human creature. The heat of the Godhead is very\ndifferent, and sometimes we may even feel it to be cruel and\nremorseless in its very terrible and swift intensity. But the soul, like\nall great lovers, never flinches or hangs back, but passionately lends\nherself. If He chose to kill her with this joy she would gladly have it\nso.\n\nBy these incomprehensible wonders He seems to say to the creature:\n\"Come thou here, that I may teach thee what is Joy; come thou here,\nthat I may teach thee what is _Life._ For none are permitted to teach\nof these things save I Myself.\"\n\n* * *\n\nThere is another manner. The Spirit comes upon the soul in waves of\nterrible power. Now in a rapture God descends upon the soul,\ncatching her suddenly up in a marvellous embrace: magnetising her,\nravishing her. He is come, and He is gone. In an ecstasy the soul\ngoes out prepared to meet Him, seeking Him by praise and prayer,\npouring up her love towards Him; and He, condescending to her,\nfills her with unspeakable delights, and at rare times He will catch\nher from an ecstasy into a greater rapture. At least, so it is with me:\nthe ecstasy is prepared for, but in the quicker rapture (or catching up)\nit is He that seeks the soul. These two conditions, though given very\nintermittently, become a completely natural experience. I should say\nthat the soul lived by this way: it is her food and her life, which she\nreceives with all the simplicity and naturalness of the hungry man\nturning to his bodily food. But these waves of power were\nsomething altogether new and very hard to endure. As each wave\npassed I would come up out of it, as it were, gasping. It was as if\nsomething too great for the soul to contain was being forced through\nher. It was as if one should try to force at fearful pressure fluid\nthrough a body too solid to be percolated by it. I understood nothing\nof what could be intended by such happenings, neither could I give\naccommodation to this intensity. I tried to make myself a wholly\nwilling receptacle and instrument, but after the third day of this I\ncould not bear any more. I was greatly distressed. I could not\nunderstand what was required of me. I gave myself totally to Him,\nand it was not enough. And at last I cried to Him, saying: \"I\nunderstand nothing: forgive me, my God, for my great foolishness,\nbut Thy power is too much for me. Do what Thou wilt with me; I\nam altogether Thine. Drown me with Thy strength, break me in\npieces--I am willing; only do it quickly, my Lord, and have done\nwith it, for I am so small. But I love Thee with all that I have or am;\nyet I am overwhelmed: I am still too little to be taught in this way, it\nis too much for my strength. Yet do as Thou wilt; I love Thee, I love\nThee.\" And He heard me, and He ceased: and He returned to the\nways that I understood and dearly loved, and for weeks I lived in\nParadise. But my body was dreadfully shaken, and I suffered with\nmy heart and breathing.\n\nShortly after I began to know that another change had come into me.\nGod had become intensely my Father, and Christ the lover was gone\nup again into the Godhead--as happened after my third conversion\nupon the hill.\n\nSo great, so tremendous was this sense of the _Fatherhood_ of God\nbecome that I had only to think the word Father to seem to be\ninstantly transported into His very bosom. Oh, the mighty sweetness\nof it! But it is not an ecstasy. The creature and soul are dead to\nworld-life, as in a rapture or ecstasy; but the soul is not the bride,\nshe is the child, and, full of eager and adoring intimacy, she flies\ninto His ever-open arms, and never, never does she miss the way.\nOh, the sweetness of it, the great, great glory of it, and the folly of\nwords! If only all the world of men and women could have this joy!\nHow to help even one soul towards it is what fills my heart and\nmind. How convince them, how induce them to take the first steps?\nIt is the first steps we need to take. He does not drive, He calls.\n\"Come to Me,\" He calls. It is this failure to have the will to go to\nHim which is the root of all human woe. Would we but take the first\nfew steps towards Him, He will carry us all the rest of the way.\nThese first few steps we take holding to the hand of Jesus. For the\nso-called Christian there is no other way (but he is no Christian until\nhe has taken it). For the Buddhist, doubtless, Gautama is permitted\nto do the same. But for those who are baptized in Jesus Christ's\nname, He is their only Way.\n\n* * *\n\nGod, once found, is so poignantly ever-present to the soul that we\nmust sing and whisper to Him all the day.\n\nO marvellous and exquisite God! I am so enraptured by Thy\nnearness, I am so filled with love and joy, that there is no one,\nnothing, in heaven or earth to me save Thine Own Self, and I could\ndie for love of Thee! Indeed I am in deep necessity to find Thee at\neach moment of the day, for so great is Thy glamour that without\nThee my days are like bitter waters and a mouthful of gravel to a\nhungry man. How long wilt Thou leave me here--set down upon the\nearth in this martyrdom of languishing for love of Thee? And\nsuddenly, when the pain can be endured no more, He embraces the\nsoul. Then where do sorrow and waiting fly? and what is pain?\nThere never were such things!\n\n* * *\n\nWe do well never to recall past ecstasies. In this way the soul comes\nto each encounter with a lovely freshness and purity, and neither\nmakes comparisons nor curious comments, but gives herself wholly\nto love. But by these contacts the soul gains a secret and personal\nknowledge of God: without sight and without reasoning she actually\nfeels to partake of God, so that she passes by these means far up\nbeyond belief, into experiences of knowledge which in their\npoignant intensity are at once an ineffable violence and a marvellous\nwhite peace.\n\n* * *\n\nI find the lark the most wonderful of all birds. I cannot listen to his\nrhapsodies without being inspired (no matter what I may be in the\nmidst of doing or saying) to throw up my own love to God. In the\nsoaring insistence of his song and passion I find the only thing in\nNature which so suggests the high-soaring and rapturous flights of\nthe soul. But I am glad that we surpass the lark in sustaining a far\nmore lengthy and wonderful flight; and that we sing, not downwards\nto an earthly love, but upwards to a heavenly.\n\nTo my mind, this is man's only justification for considering himself\nabove the beasts--that we can love, and communicate with, God. For\nwhere otherwise is his superiority? He builds fine buildings which\ncrumble and decay. He digs holes in the earth to take out treasures\nwhich he has not made; and if he makes himself the very highest\ntower of wealth or fame, he must come down from it and be buried\nin the earth like any other carcase.\n\n* * *\n\nIt is better not to contend, either with others or against our own body.\nIf we contend against anything we impress it the more firmly upon\nour consciousness. So if we would overcome the lusts of the body,\nlet us do it not by harming or by contending against the body, which\nbut emphasises its powers and importance, but let us rather proceed\nto ignore and make little of the body by forgetting it and passing out\nof it into higher things; and eventually we shall learn to live, not in\nthe lower state, but in the joy of the soul. Why have a contempt for\nthe body? I once did, and found that I was committing a great sin\nagainst the Maker of it.\n\nHow dare we say \"my body is vile,\" when He fashioned it! It is\nblasphemous, when we consider that it is His Temple.\n\nTo my mind the body is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and is\ngreatly sinned against by our evil hearts and minds and tongues. The\nbody would do no harm if we, with our free-will, did not think out\nthe wickedness first in our own hearts. For first we commit theft and\nadultery with the mind, and then we cause the body to carry out\nthese things. We know that the body is under the law, and its\nappetites are under the law, but the heart and mind and tongue are\nperpetual breakers of this law. It is lawful for the body to take its\nmeat and drink, but not to be surfeited and drunken. It is lawful for\nthe body to have its desires and its loves, but not to be promiscuous\nand unfaithful.\n\nBut we know that a better way is to turn all appetites and greeds to\nthis, that we be greedy and ravenous for Christ. Only so shall we use\nthe appetites of mind and heart and body for their true end, and that\nnot by despising but by conversion.\n\nWith great insistence I have been taught not to despise anything\nwhatever in Creation of _things made_ in His most beautiful and\nwonderful world, though often I may cry with tears, \"Lord God!\nraise me to a world holier and nearer to Thyself, for I am\nheartbroken here.\"\n\nYet I am taught only to despise such things as lying, deceitfulness,\nhypocrisy, and uncleanness--in fact, stenches of the heart and\nmind,--and not to think too much about these, but, passing on, drop\nout the recollection of them in thoughts of finer things.\n\nHis inward instruction has been this, quietly to lay upon one side all\nthat which is not pleasing to God; and one by one, and piece by\npiece, to fold up and put away all that He does not love.\n\nAbove all, He has taught me to have no self-esteem and no prides;\nand to such a degree do I have to learn this, that, without the\nsmallest exaggeration, I am hardly ever able to think myself the\nequal of a dog. But the love of a dog for his master is a very fine\nthing.\n\n* * *\n\nI think we mistake our own power and capacity in even seeking to\nimitate the Christ; let us begin rather by taking into our heart and our\nmind the Christ as the Man-Jesus. For His love and power only can\nshow us the way to imitate the Christ which is in Him.\n\n* * *\n\nIs the temporary loss of grace our fault, or is it a deliberate\nwithdrawal and testing upon His part? Both. Every condition that we\nare in which is not pure and perfect of its kind, such as pure peace,\npure joy, pure harmony, is because of failure on our part to _hold_\nto Him. Whenever, and for so long, as we keep ourselves in the\nsingle and simple condition of mind and heart necessary for the\nperception and reception of Him, for just so long shall we receive\nand perceive him; but this condition again we cannot maintain\nwithout grace. All loss of joy, of serenity, of contact, is failure, then,\non our part or withdrawal upon His. Yet we learn a bitter but useful\nlesson by these losses of ability for connection. To return\nignominiously to our dust is a most bitter humiliation and trial--indeed,\na desolation. Now, if we did not so return we might suppose\nourselves able, of our own power, not only to achieve momentary\nconnection with the Divine, but to remain at will in this sublime\ncondition, by which I mean in a state bordering upon ecstasy. The\nwithdrawal of grace therefore would seem to be a necessary part of\nthe education and of the constant humbling of the soul. To find\nourselves, of our own unaided capacity, by the mere force of our\nown will, able to constantly go up to so high a level would\ninevitably foster pride; indeed, to attain such a capacity would seem\nto place us on a level with the angels!\n\nBy these withdrawals of grace, which came at first very tenderly, but\ngradually with greater and greater severity, I have learnt this: that in\nspite of all that has been done for me, of all that I have experienced,\nin spite of all the heights to which at times I have been raised, I\nremain nothing better than the frailest and unworthiest thing! The\nsight of an ugly grey cloud, momentarily and gloriously illumined\nby the sun, is a sufficient illustration of the temporary\ntransformation of our own selves touched by the light and the glory\nof God.\n\nFor the carrying out of His plan, it would seem to be His good\npleasure that we are just what we are--not angels, but little human\nthings, full of simplicity and trust and love. \"Like dear children,\" as\nSt Paul says; and yet, oh! wonder of wonders! _far more than this._\nFor whilst we patiently wait, from time to time He stoops and\nembraces the soul in an infinite bliss, in which we are no more\nchildren, but are caught up into High Love.\n\nAt first when we begin this new kind of living He holds us firmly, as\nit were, to a condition suitable for contact with Him. If He did not\ndo so, having had no previous practice, we should never remain in it\nfor two moments together. Then little by little He teaches us to live\nwith less frequent joy, and this is the cause of much difficulty and\ntrouble. It is hard to endure being without this blessed state and\nthese marvellous favours, and more and more I found He withdrew\nthem whilst often my worldly and commonplace heart and mind still\nheld me back--_even from peace._ If we could but rid ourselves\nquickly of all selfish desires and greeds! Not until I had learnt to do\nthis was I given back my joys, and then sparingly.\n\nHow I would turn towards that secret door--the door of the kingdom\nof love,--and calling to Him, hear no reply! Where is He gone?--why\nthis desertion?--I would cry. How can He cause such pain, how can I\nbear such dreadful deprivations, and what is love but a sharp sword?\nLord, let me hear Thy voice, for I am in despair; I cannot bear these\npains, I fear for everything, my joy is lost. My bread is spread with\nbitterness; where is the honey that I love so well? Lord, call to me\neven from far away, and I shall hear and be consoled. Lord, I am\nsick and ill--how canst Thou leave me so? Hast Thou no pity for my\npain?--is this Thy love? _My_ pain! Lord, I remember! Thou hast\nbeen kissed by pain more frequently than I. Oh, let me wipe the\nmemory of Thy pain away with my warm love, and let me sing to\nThee and be Thy lark, and do Thou go and wander where Thou wilt\nand I will love Thee just the same! And softly the Voice of the\nBeloved, saying: \"I am here, I never left thee; but thou wast busy\ncrying of thy pains and did not hear Me when I answered thee.\"\nLord, so I was! I was so filled with self, and, asking for _Thy gifts, I\ndid forget to give!_ and so lost love.\n\n* * *\n\nIt is hard to conquer in small things, petty irritations, worries, cares\nof this world, likes and dislikes--all of these being subtle temptations,\nand all selfish. For instance, very often I find the human voice the\nmost horrible thing that I know! I will be in a beautiful state of mind,\nand people around me will drag me from it with their maddening\ninanities of conversation. This one will speak of the weather, and\nthat one of food; another of scandal, another of amusements. They\nwill talk of their love for a dog, for a horse, for golf, for men or\nwomen; but never do I hear at any time, or anywhere, anyone speak\nof their love for God. I must listen to all their loves, but if I should\nventure to speak of mine they would look at me amazed; indeed, I\nnever should dare to do it. And this is perhaps the greatest weakness\nthat I have to fight against now, and one that spoils the harmony of\nthe mind more than any other--that I cannot always control myself\nfrom secret though unspoken irritation, impatience, and criticisms;\nand to criticise is to judge, and in this there is wrong, and the\nsmallest breeze of wrong is enough to blow to--even to close--the\ndoor into that other lovely world. And not only this, but every such\nfailure is a disappointment to the Beloved. Many times I say to Him,\n\"What canst Thou do with us all, Beloved--such a mass of selfish,\nfoolish, blundering, sinful creatures, all hanging and pulling on to\nThee at the same moment?\" And I will be filled with a passionate\ndesire to so progress that I may stand a little alone and not be a\nperpetual drag upon Him, and, feeling strong, perhaps I will say: \"I\nwill give up my share of Thee to someone else, and not draw upon\nThee for a little while, my Beloved Lord.\" But oh, in less than an\nhour, if He should take me at my word! I could cry and moan like a\nsmall child, in my horrible emptiness and longing for Him. And\nwhere now is my strength?--I have not an ounce of it without Him!\nBy this I learn in my own person how He is life itself to us, in all\nways. He is the air, the bread, and the blood of the soul, and no one\ncan live without at every moment drawing upon Him, though they\ndo it insensibly. What a weight to carry, what a burden, this whole\nhungry clamouring mass of disobedient men and women! Oh, my\nBeloved, how frequently I weep for all Thy bitter disappointment--never\nending!\n\nBut this we may be sure of--that all the marvels of His grace are not\npoured out on some poor scrappit for no other reason than to give\nhim pleasure. There is a vast purpose behind it all, and by keenest\nattention we must pick up this purpose, understand it, _and do it._\nThis is the true work of man, to love God with all the heart and mind\nand soul and strength, and not those material works with which we\nall so easily satisfy ourselves and our consciences, and our _bodily_\nneeds.\n\nHe has marvellous ways (and very difficult to the beginner) of\nconveying His wishes. To my finding, the inward life of us is like a\nperpetual interchange of conversation between the heart and its\nmany desires and the mind (which for myself I put into three\nparts--the intelligence, the will, the reason). Now, all these parts of my\nheart and of my mind formerly occupied themselves entirely with\nworldly things, passing from one thing to another in most disorderly\nfashion; but now they occupy themselves (save for bodily\nnecessities) _solely_ with Him. There is a perpetual smooth and\nbeautiful conversation between them _to_ Him and _of_ Him; and\nsuddenly He will seem to enter into this conversation, suggesting\nthoughts which are not mine.\n\nOften He will stab the soul, but not with words, also the heart; and I\nhave known such communications lie for weeks before they could\nbe taken up by the mind, turned into words, and finally as _words_\nbe digested by the reason. And another way to the soul only--rare,\nuntransferable to words, and therefore not transmittable to others or\nto the reason. This way causes the creature a great amazement, and\nis like a flooding or moving of whiteness, or an inwardly-felt\nphosphorescence; it is a vitalising ministration greatly enjoyed by\nthe soul. This is not any ecstasy, and is exceedingly swift; the soul\nmust be at _high attention_ to receive this, yet neither anticipates\nnor asks for it, but is in the act of giving great and joyful adoration.\n\n* * *\n\nI do not remember when I first became fully conscious that the\ncentre or seat of my emotions was changed, and that I now\nresponded to all the experiences of life only with the higher parts of\nme.\n\nThis change I found inexplicable and remarkable, for it was\nfundamental, and yet neither intended nor thought of by me. With\nthis alteration in the physical correspondences to life came a\ncorresponding alteration in the spiritual of me.\n\nFormerly I supposed that the soul dwelt in, or was even a part of, the\nmind. Now, though the mind must be filled wholly with God, and all\nother things whatsoever put out of it if we would contemplate Him\nor respond to Him, yet neither the brain nor the intelligence of the\ncreature can come into any contact with Him; and this I soon learnt.\n\nCorrespondence with the Divine is accomplished for the creature\nthrough the heart and by the uppermost part of the breast, this latter\nplace (above the heart and below the mind) is the dwelling-place of\nthe celestial spark of the soul, which lies, as it were, between two\nfires--that of the heart and that of the mind, responding directly to\nneither of these, but to God only.\n\nBefore I was touched upon the hill I was not aware of the locality of\nany part of my soul, neither was there anything which could\nconvince me that I even possessed a soul. I did no more than believe\nand suppose that I did possess one. But the soul, once revived,\nbecomes the most powerful and vivid part of our being; we are not\nable any longer to mistake its possession or position in the body. She\nis indeed the wonderful and lovely mistress of us, with which alone\nwe can unlock the mysteries of God's love.\n\n* * *\n\nHow poor and cold a thing is mere belief! No longer do I _believe_\nin Jesus Christ: I do _possess Him._ So complete is the change that\nHe brings about in us that I now only count my life and my time\nfrom the first day of this new God-consciousness that I received\nupon the hill, for that was the first day of my real life; just as\nformerly I would count my time from the first day of my physical\nbirth, and from that on to my falling in love and to my marriage,\nwhich once seemed to me to be the most important dates.\n\nWhilst these changes were taking place in me I would often be filled\nwith uneasiness and some alarm; asking myself what all this could\nmean, and if it could be the way of martyrs or saints, for I had no\ncourage or liking to be one or the other and was very frightened of\nsuffering. And I think my cunning heart would have liked to take all\nthe sweets and leave the bitter. How well He knew this, and how\nexquisitely He handled me, never forcing, only looking at me,\n_inviting_ me with those marvellous perfections of His! How could\nI possibly resist Him? All the while, all my waking hours, I felt that\nstrange, new, incomprehensible, steady, insistent _drawing_ and urgency\nof the Spirit in me. Little by little I went--and still go--_towards_\nperfection, whilst my cowardly heart endured many fears,\nbut these are now past. It was not any desire for my own salvation;\nto this I have never given so much as two thoughts. It was the\n_irresistible attraction_ of our marvellous and beautiful God. He\nlured, He drew me with His loveliness, His holy perfections, His\nunutterable purity. _I longed to please Him._ The whole earth was\nfilled with the glamour of Him, and I filled with horror to see how\nutterly unlike--apart from the glorious Beloved--I was. How\nfrightful my blemishes, which must stink in His nostrils! Think of it!\nTo stink in the nostrils of the Beloved! What lover could endure to\ndo such a thing? No effort could be too great or painful to beautify\noneself for Him. In this there is no virtue; it is the driving necessity\nof love, a necessity known by every lover worthy of the name on\nearth. To please and obey this ineffable and exquisite Being!--the\nprivilege intoxicated me more and more.\n\nAll these changes in my heart and mind continually filled me with\nsurprise, for I was never pious, though inwardly and secretly I had\nso ardently sought Him. I was attentive, humble, and reverent,\nnothing more.\n\nBut though I had perhaps little or no piety, and never read a single\nreligious book, I had had a deep thirst for the perfect and the holy\nand the pure, as I seemed unable to find them here on the earth. In\nthe quiet solemnity of church, or under the blue skies, I could detach\nmyself from my surroundings and reach up and out with wistful\ndimness towards the ineffable holiness and purity of God--God who,\nfor me at least, remained persistently so unattainable.\n\nAnd yet one blessed day I was to find Him suddenly, all in one\nglorious hour, no longer unattainable but immanently, marvellously\nnear, and willing to remain for me so strangely permanently near\nthat I must sing silently to Him from my heart all the day long--sing\nto Him silently, because even the faintest whisper would feel too\ngross and loud between my soul and Him. And in hours when I fall\nfrom this wonderful estate I think I come very near hell, so awful is\nmy loss.\n\nOur greatest need is to relearn the will of God. For we are so\nseparated from Him that we now look upon His Will as on a cross,\nas an incomprehensible sacrifice, as but self-abnegation, pain, and\ngloom. We repudiate it in terror.\n\nIf we have the will to relearn His Will, we stand still and think of it,\nwe walk to seek it, we try to accept it, trembling we bow down to it\nwith obedience and many tears; and behold! it changes to an\nInvitation, a sigh of beauty, a breath of spring, the song of birds, the\nfaces of flowers, the ever-ascending spiral of the mating of all loves,\nthe sunshine of the Universe; and at last, intoxicated with happiness,\nwe say: \"My God, my Love, I sip and drink Thy Will as an\nambrosial Wine!\"\n\n* * *\n\nTo the lover of God all affections go up and become enclosed, as it\nwere, into one affection, which is Himself; so that we have no love\nfor anyone or anything _apart_ from Him. In this is included, in a\nmost deep and mysterious fashion, marriage-love in all its aspects.\nIn every way it can become a sacrament: there is nothing in it which\nis not holy, in no way does the marriage bond of the body separate\nthe spirit from acceptableness to God.\n\nBut I was some time before I could arrive at this, and could see\nmarriage as the physical prototype in this physical world of the\nspiritual union with Himself in the spiritual world. And this was\narrived at, not by prudish questionings and criticisms, but by\nremembering that this relationship between men and women is His\nthought, His plan, not ours. We are responsible for our part in it only\nin so far as to keep the bond of it pure and clean and sweet, and\nsubmit ourselves in all things _as completely and orderly as possible\nto His plans, whatever they may be._ In this attitude of\nunquestioning, unresisting submission, the Holy Spirit finds a swift\nand easy channel through us. It is our opposition to the passage of\nthe Holy Will which causes all the distress and uneasiness of life. He\nhas no wish to impose distress and suffering upon us. His Will\ntowards us is pure joy, pure love, pure peace, pure sweetness. This\nbond of earthly marriage is of the flesh and can be kept by the body,\nand yet the heart, mind, and soul remain in lovely perfect chastity;\nand I found that this exquisite freedom--after prolonged endeavours\non the part of the soul and the creature--was at length given them as\na gift by act of grace, and remained in permanence without variation.\n\n* * *\n\nWe know that these things are deep mysteries and largely hidden;\nbut this I know: as the heart feels love in itself for God, in that same\ninstant comes God into the soul of the lover. Now, where God is we\nknow that there is neither evil, nor sadness, nor unhappiness, nor\nany recollection of such things; therefore, to be a great and constant\nlover to Him is to be automatically lifted from all unhappinesses.\n\nThis is our wisest and our best desire, to be a splendid lover to our\nMost Glorious God.\n\nThe more I see of and talk with other people, the more I see how\ngreatly changed I am. I am _freed._ They are bound. I find them\nbound by fears, by anxieties, by worries, by apprehensions of evil\nthings, by sadness, by fears of death for their loved ones or for\nthemselves. Now, we are freed of all these things _if we keep to the\nWay,_ which is the Road of Love. This change we do not bring\nabout for ourselves, and do not perhaps even realise that it can be\neffected. For myself, I seemed to be lifted into it, or into a\n_capacity_ for it, on that day and in that moment in which I first\nloved God. This is not to say that since that moment I have not had\nto struggle, suffer, and endure, to keep myself in, and progress in\nthis condition; but my sufferings, struggles, and endurances, being\nfor love and in love and because of love, were and are in themselves\nbeautiful, and leave in the recollection nothing inharmonious. They\nare the difficult prelude to a glorious melody.\n\nAnother thing--we become by this love for Him so large that we\nseem to embrace within our own self the Universe! In some\nmysterious manner we become in sympathy with all things in the\nbond of His making.\n\nAre these things worth nothing whatever, that the majority of people\nshould be content to spend their lives looking for five-pound notes\nand even shillings--and this not only the poor, but the rich more so?\nI am far more at a loss to understand my fellow-men than I am to\nunderstand God. We have need of the shillings, but of other and\nmore lovely things besides, which cost no money and may be had by\nthe poorest. It is rapidly becoming the only sorrow of my life that\npeople do not all come to share this Life in which I live. How that\nparable knocks at the heart, \"Go out into the highways and the\nhedges and compel them to come in!\" To know all this _fullness_ of\nlife and not to be able to bring even my nearest and dearest into it:\nwhat a terrible mystery is this!--it is an agony. Now, in this agony I\nshare the Agony of Jesus. This is a part of the Cross, and only the\nFather can make it straight. I see Heaven held out, and _refused;_\nlove held out, and _refused;_ perfection shown, and killed upon a\ncross. What is the crucifix but that most awful of all things--the\nGrief of God made Visible? Perfect Love submitting itself to the vile\nfreewill of man and dying of wounds! My God! my God! and did\n_I_ ever have a hand in such a thing? I did.\n\n* * *\n\nWhat is it that seems more than any other thing whatever to throw us\nat last into the arms of God? Suffering. And this not because it is His\nwill (for how much rather would He have us turn to Him in our joy\nand prosperity), but rather that it is _our_ will, that in our earthly\njoys and prosperities we turn away from Him, and only seek His\nconsolations when we see the failure of our health or happiness. And\nhaving by His mercy and forgiveness found Him, we too often and\ntoo easily think to glorify ourselves and name each other saints! Did\nJesus call us saints? These glorifications mankind would appear to\nbestow upon itself. He spoke of His flock, and of those who through\nHim should have life eternal, and of those who, because of the road\nthey take, have their joys in this world only.\n\n* * *\n\nWhen I was being taught to pray for national things and for other\npersons, and found these prayers answered, I was inclined to be\nafraid; thinking, What am I that I should dare to petition the Most\nHigh? But He showed it me so, which, as in everything, is for all of\nus: \"It is but a cloud which reflects the glories of the promise of My\nrainbow; so can the dust, such as thyself, reflect yet other fashions\nof My will and glory. There is no presumption in the cloud that it\nshould glow with My power; neither is there presumption in thy dust\nthat it should be My vehicle. Both the cloud and thy dust are Mine.\"\n\n* * *\n\nAs we progress in this new way of living we find an increasing\ndifficulty in maintaining petition; for on commencing to petition we\nwill almost invariably be instantly lifted up to such a state of\nadoration that the whole soul is nothing but a burning song, a thing\nof living worship. At first I was inclined to blame myself, but now I\nknow that it is acceptable for us to pass from petitioning (no matter\nwho or what for) to high adoration, even though it is a great personal\nindulgence (and the petitioning is a _hard task)--_an indulgence so\nextreme that I cannot call to my mind anything in any experience or\ntime of my life, excepting actual raptures, which could, or can, in\nany way compare or be named in the same breath with this most\nmarvellous joy; for out of this joy of adoration flows the Song of the\nSoul.\n\nAnd all these previous years of my life I have lived with the greater\npart of me dead, and most persons the same! The more I think of it,\nthe more amazed I am at our folly--working and fretting, and\nstriving and looking for every kind of thing except the one thing,\nbeautiful, needful, and living, which is the finding of the personal\nconnection between ourselves and God and the Waters of Life.\n\nLooking to my own experiences, I see clearly how I never could\nhave found without the most powerful and incessant assistance. We\nare, then, never alone. But first we must have _the will to seek these\nwaters._ This is the secret of the whole matter. He can turn the vilest\ninto a pure lover--if the vilest be willing to have the miracle\nperformed on him! This is the grace of God, and what does it cost\nHim to pour out this mighty power through us? For everything has\nits price. My Lord! my Lord! we are not worthy of it all.\n\nThis I notice, that when He removes this grace, very shortly the\nmind goes back to a false, uneven, inharmonious state; so we\nbecome like an instrument all out of tune, and are caused\nindescribable sufferings, like a musician whose ears and nerves are\ntortured by false notes, whilst his unmusical neighbours feel no pain!\nThe musician pays a price for the privilege of his great gift; so the\nlover of Christ.\n\nAgain, there is a price to pay for the immeasurable _joy_ of prayer,\nfor prayers are not always sweet nor life-giving. The prayers to\nChrist are always a refreshment, but prayers to the Father may\nsuddenly be turned without any previous thought or private intention\ninto a most awful grief for the abominations of the whole world of\nus, a terrible wordless burnt-sacrifice of the soul, of unspeakable\nanguish. And high petitioning is a fearful and profound strain upon\nthe soul and the whole creature.\n\n* * *\n\nWe say that we have need of the purification and conversion of the\nsoul; but rather it is first the conversion of the heart, mind, and will\nthat we have need of. For this would feel to be the drama of our\nlife--the human heart, intelligence, and will are the ego of the creature.\nOur soul is the visitor within this creature, containing within herself\na pure, holy, and incorruptible sparkle of the Divine, and lies choked\nand atrophied in her human house until revived and awakened by\nher holy lover; and this awakening is not given to her till the heart\nand mind of her human house (or the will and spirit of the creature)\nis in a state of regeneration, or condition to go forward towards God.\nWhich is to say, the creature has been touched by repentance and a\ndesire for the pure and the holy. For if the soul should be awakened\nto an unrepentant creature, this Will and imperishable worm of the\ncreature (which is of greater coarseness and lustiness than the\ndelicate and fragile soul) will overcome the soul; and this is not the\ngoal, neither is the death of the creature the goal, but the lifting up of\nthe creature into the Divine--this is the goal.\n\nAfter being awakened, then, in her human house, the soul finds\nherself locked in with two most treacherous and soiled companions--the\nhuman heart and mind; and so great is her loathing and her\ndistress, that for shame's sake these two are constrained to improve\nthemselves. But their progress is slow, and now comes a long and\npainful time of alternation between two states. At one time the soul\nwill conquer the creature, imposing upon it a sovereign beauty of\nholiness; and at another the creature will conquer the soul, imposing\nupon her its hideous designs and desires, and causing her many\nsicknesses. Hence we have the warring which we feel within\nourselves, for the soul now desires her home and the creature its\nappetites.\n\nUntil this awakening of the soul takes place, we mistake in thinking\nthat we either live with our soul, or know our soul, or feel with our\nsoul. She does but stir within us from time to time, awaking strange\nechoes that we do not comprehend; and we live with the mind and\nthe heart and the body only--which is to say, we live as the creature;\nand this is why on the complete awakening of the soul we feel in the\ncreature an immense and altogether indescribable enhancement of\nlife and of all our faculties, so that in great amazement we say, \"I\nhave never _lived_ until this day.\" When first the will of the creature\nis wholly submitted to the lovely guidance of the divine part of the\nsoul, then first we know the ineffable joys of the world of free spirit.\nFor to live with the mind and the body is to be in a state of existence\nin nature. But to live with the soul is to live above nature, in the\nimmeasurable freedom and intensity of the spirit. And this is the\ntremendous task of the soul--that she help to redeem the heart and\nmind from their vileness of the creature and so lift the human\nupwards with herself to the Divine from whence she came. This,\nthen, is the transmutation or evolution by divine means of the human\ninto the divine; and for this we need to seek repentance or change of\nheart and mind, which is the will of the creature turning itself\ntowards the beauties of the spirit, that Christ may awaken in us the\nglories of that sleeping soul which is His bride.\n\nWhen the soul is fully revived we can know it by this, that we are\nnot able any longer to content ourselves with anything nor anyone\nsave God. Neither are we able to love any save God, for all human\ndesires and loves mysteriously ascend and are merged into the\nDivine. So, though we love our friend, we love him in God, and in\nevery man perceive but another lover for the Beloved.\n\n* * *\n\nTo love God might commence to be expressed as being a great quiet,\nan intense activity, a prodigious joy, and the poignant knowledge of\n_the immensity of an amazing new life shared._\n\nThe contemplation of God might be expressed as the folding up or\ncomplete forgetfulness of all earthly and bodily things, desires, and\nattractions, and the raising of the heart and mind and the centring of\nthem in great and joyful intensity upon God, by means of love. Of\nthis contemplation of God I find two principal forms: the passive\nand the active. In the first we are in a state of steady, quiet, and\nloving perception and reception, and at some farness; in this we are\nable to remain for hours, entering this state when waking at dawn\nand remaining in it till rising.\n\nIn active contemplation we are in rapturous and passionate adoration\nwith great nearness, and are not able to remain in it long because of\nbodily weakness. The soul feels to be never tired by the longest\nflight, but must return because of the exhaustion of the forlorn and\nwretched creature, which creature is complete in itself, having its\nbody, of which, being able to touch it, we say, \"It is my body,\" and\nits heart and mind with intelligence, of which we are wont to think,\n\"This is myself\"; yet it is but a part, for the intelligence of our\ncreature is by no means the intelligence of the divine soul, but a far\nlesser light: for with the intelligence of the divine soul we reach out\nto God and attain Him, but with the intelligence of the creature we\nreach towards Him but do not attain, for with it we are unable to\npenetrate the veil. Therefore, who would know the joys of\ncontemplation must come to them by love, for love is the only\nmeans by which the creature can attain. The soul attains God as her\nbirthright, but the creature by adoption and redemption, and this\nthrough love. By love the creature dies and is reborn into the spirit.\n\n* * *\n\nThe word \"poverty,\" as used to express a necessary condition of our\ncoming to God, is a most misleading term. For how can any\ncondition be rightly named poverty which brings us into the riches\nof God? Rather let us use the words \"singleness of heart,\" or\n\"simplicity\": which is to say, we _put out_ all other interests save\nthose pleasing to God (to commence with), and afterwards we reach\nthe condition in which we _have no_ interests but in God Himself--the\nheart and mind and will of the creature becoming wholly God's,\nand God filling them. How can we say, then, that it is poverty to be\nfilled with God! Rather is it rightly expressed as being a heart fixed\nin singleness upon God, through drastic simplification of interests:\nthe which is no poverty, but the wealth of all the Universe.\n\n* * *\n\nSome of us seem open to suggestion, others to the steadier effects of\npersonal influence. I never came under the personal influence of\nanother except once, when I came under the influence of the being I\nloved most--my brother. At ten he saved my life from drowning, and\nat eighteen his influence and total lack of faith in God, coupled with\nthe searchings and probings of my own intelligence, took me away\nfrom God, in whom I had previously had a comfortable faith. At\nseventeen I began to lap up the hardest scientific books as a cat laps\nmilk. I said to myself, \"I must find truth, I must find out what\neverything really is\"; but I could not reconcile science with Church\nteaching. I was not able to adjust the truths of science--which were\ndemonstrable to both senses and intelligence--with the unprovable\ndogmas set forth by the Church as necessary to salvation. I slowly\nand surely lost what faith I had, and hung a withered heart upon the\npitiless and nameless bosom of the Cosmos. Inward life became for\nme a horrible emptiness without hope. Surrounded with gaieties and\nthe innumerable social successes of youth, I found that neither\nscience nor society could satisfy my soul, or that something living\nwithin me which knew a terrible necessity for God. For two long\nand dreadful years I fought secretly and desperately to regain this\nlost belief, and when at last I succeeded there remained a monstrous\nand impenetrable wall between myself and God. But by comparison\nwith the horrors of past loneliness it was heaven to me to feel Him\nthere, even behind that wall. (Now that I have found Him by love, I\nam able to return to science as to a most exquisite unrolling of the\nmajesty of His truths and powers and laws, and am brought nearer\nand nearer to Him the more I learn of science.) Outside the wall I\nremained for more than twenty years, seeking and searching for an\nopening in that mighty barrier.\n\nAnd after more than twenty years I found the Door--and it was Jesus\nChrist.\n\n* * *\n\nLately I have seen the word \"contemplation\" used as expressing the\nheights of attainment in God-consciousness of men, and I find it\ninadequate. From the age of seventeen I fell into the habit of\ncontemplation, not of God, but of Nature: which is to say, I would\nfirst place myself, sitting, in such a position that my body would not\nfall and I might completely forget it, and then would look about me\nand drink in the beauty of the scene, my eyes coming finally to rest\nupon the spot most beautiful to me. There they remained fixed. All\nthoughts were now folded up so that my mind, flowing singly in one\ndirection, concentrated itself upon the beauty on which I gazed. This\nsoon vanished, and I saw nothing whatever, but, bearing away into a\nplace of complete silence and emptiness, I there assimilated and\nenjoyed inwardly the soaring essence of the beauty which I had\npreviously drawn into my mind through my eyes, being now no\nlonger conscious of seeing outwardly, but living entirely from the\ninward. This I did almost every day, but to do it I was obliged to\nseek solitude, and absolute solitude is a hard thing to find; but I\nsought it, no matter where, even in a churchyard! I saw no graves. I\nsaw the sky, or a marvellous cloud pink with the kisses of the sun,\nand away I went. I judge this now to have been contemplation,\nthough I never thought of it by so fine-sounding a name; it was only\nmy delightful pastime, yet there was a strange inexpressible sadness\nin it. Nature and beauty were not enough. The more beauty I saw,\nthe more I longed for something to which I could not put a name. At\ntimes the ache of this pain became terrible, almost agonising, but I\ncould not forgo my pastime. Now, at last, I know what this pain was:\nmy soul looked for God, but my creature did not know it. For just in\nthis same way we contemplate God, savouring Him without seeing\nHim, and being filled to the brim with marvellous delights with no\nsadness.\n\nBut this condition of contemplation is very far from being the\nmountain-top; it is but a high plateau from which we make the final\nascent. The summit is an indescribable contact, and this summit is\nnot one summit but many summits. Which is to say, we have contact\nof several separate forms--that of giving, that of receiving, and that\nof immersion or absorption, which _at its highest_ is altogether\nunendurable as fire.\n\nOf this last I am able only to say this: that not only is it inexpressible\nby any words, but that that which is a state of extreme beatitude to\nthe soul is death to the creature by excess of joy. Therefore both\nheart and mind fear to recall any details of the memory of this\nhighest attainment. I knew it but once. To know it again would be\nthe death of my body. For more than two hours (as well as I am able\nto judge) before coming to this highest experience, my soul travelled\nthrough what felt to be an ocean, for she rose and fell upon billows\nin a state of infinite bliss.\n\nOf other forms of contact we have a swift, unexpected, even\nunsought-for attainment, which is entirely of His volition; that\nsudden condescension to the soul, in which in unspeakable rapture\nshe is caught up to her holy lover.\n\nThese are the topmost heights which the creature dare recall, though\nto the soul they remain in memory as life itself. The variations of\nthese forms of contact are infinite, for God would seem to will to be\nboth eternal changelessness and variation in infinitude.\n\nBecause of this, and the marvellous depths and heights and breadths\nof life revealed to her, the soul is able to conceive of an eternity of\nbliss, for monotony ceases to be joy. In Nature we see that no two\ntrees in a forest are alike, and two fruits gathered from one bough\nhave not the same flavour.\n\nBut to my feeling all degrees of attainment are only to be\ndistinguished as varying degrees of union, the joy of which is of a\nform and a degree of intensity and purity which can enter neither the\nheart nor the mind to imagine, but must be experienced to be\nunderstood, and when experienced remains in part incomprehensible.\nIt is not to be obtained by force of the will, neither can it be obtained\nwithout the will. It is, then, a mystery of two wills in unison, in\nwhich our will is temporarily fused into and consumed by the will of\nGod and is in transports of felicity over its own annihilation! This is\noutside reason and therefore incomprehensible to the creature, but\ncomprehensible to the soul, and becomes the aim and object of our\nlife to attain in permanence, and is the uttermost limit of all\nconceivable rapture.\n\nWhen I first knew union and contact upon the hill I had the\nimpression of a very great light outside of me. I never again had an\noutward impression of it.\n\nBut when any sense of inward _light_ is felt I consider it to be a\nhigh ecstasy and hard for the body. It is the sweet and gentle\ntouchings of Christ which are the great and unspeakable comfort of\nboth soul and body. Inward heat I never felt till many months after\nmy third conversion and more than four years from my first\nconversion. This extraordinary sensation, which to my mind is like a\nmagnetic seething with heat and ravishment of joy, I felt inwardly\nonly after I had learnt to know a sudden, secret, joyous delight of\nlove in the soul, which is easiest described as sweetness of love, is\nfrom the Christ, and _very frequently_ given by Him. And some six\nmonths after the heat, fire, electric seething, or however best it may\nbe named, I first knew the song of the soul. Now, although it is\nbetter not to dwell upon the memory of past spiritual joys, lest we\nbecome greedy, and equally wise not to dwell upon the memory of\nanguishes, lest we fall into self-pity, which of all emotions is the\nmost sickly and useless (and our wisest is to live only from hour to\nhour with all the sweetness that we can, leaving to Him the choosing\nof our daily bread, whether it be high joy or pain), still I confess that\nI have thought over and compared these joys sufficiently to know\nvery well which I love the best. Heat of love is very wonderful, and\nsweetness is very lovely, and raptures and ecstasies are outside\nwords; but most beautiful of all is the song of the soul, and this is\nwhen--in highest adoration--passing beyond heat, and further than\nsweetness, the soul goes up alone upon the highest summit of love,\nand there like a bird pours out the rapturous and golden passion of\nher love. And His Spirit, biding very near, never touches her; for if\nHe touch, it is at once an ecstasy, and because of the stress of this\nshe would have neither words nor song with which to rejoice Him.\n\nOh, the pure happiness of the soul in this wonderful song!\n\nTruly I think it is greater than in the rapture or the ecstasy, because\nin these the soul receives, but in the song, mounting right up to Him,\nshe gives. And now at last we know the fuller meaning of Christ's\nwords where He says: \"It is more blessed to give than to receive.\"\n\nBeloved, Thou takest the creature and liftest it up; Thou takest the\ncreature and liftest it high, so that nevermore can it offend Thee, and\nthe soul is free to sing of her love. Then is it Thy will that the\ncreature should love Thee? Or is it Thy will that the soul should\nadore? Beloved, I know not whether with my heart and mind I most\nadore Thee, or whether with my soul I love Thee more. And where\nis that secret trysting-place of love? I do not know; for whilst I go\nthere and whilst I return I am blind, and whilst I am there I am\nblinded by Love Himself.\n\nO wondrous trysting-place I which is indeed the only trysting-place\nof all the world worthy to be named.\n\nFor every other love on earth is but a poor, pale counterfeit of love--a\nwan Ophelia, wandering with a garland of sad perished flowers to\ncrown the dust.\n\n* * *\n\nAs the loving creature progresses he will find himself ceasing to live\nin things, or thoughts of things or of persons, but his whole mind\nand heart will be concentrated upon the thought of God alone. Now\nJesus, now the High Christ, now the Father, but never away from\none of the aspects or personalities of God, though his conditions of\nnearness will vary. For at times he will be in a condition of great\nnearness, at times in a condition of some farness, or, more properly\nspeaking, of obscurity. He will be in a condition of waiting (this\nexceedingly frequent, the most frequent of all); a condition of\namazing happiness; a condition of pain, of desolation at being still\nupon the earth instead of with God. He will be in a condition of\ngiving love to God, or a condition of receiving love, of\nremembrance and attention. He will be in a condition of\nimmeasurable glamour, an extraordinary illumination of every\nfaculty, not by any act of his own, but poured through him until he is\nfilled with the elixir of some new form of life, and feels himself\nbefore these experiences never to have lived--he but existed as a part\nof Nature. But now, although he is become more united to Nature\nthan ever before, he also is mysteriously drawn apart from her,\nwithout being in any way presumptuous, he feels to be above her,\nnot by any merits but by intention of Another. He is become lifted\nup into the spirit and essence of Nature, and the heavy and more\nobvious parts of her bind him no more. He is in a condition of\nfreedom, he is frequently in a condition of great splendour, and is\nwrapped perpetually round about with that most glorious\nmantle--God-consciousness.\n\nThese are man's right and proper conditions. These are the lovely\nwill of God for us. And too many of us have the will to go contrary\nto Him. Oh, the tragedy of it! If the whole world of men and women\ncould be gathered and lifted into this garden of love! Persuaded to\nrise from lesser loves into the bosom of His mighty Love!\n\nFor the truly loving soul here on earth there are no longer heavens,\nnor conditions of heavens, nor grades, nor crowns, nor angels, nor\narchangels, nor saints, nor holy spirits; but, going out and up and on,\nwe reach at last THE ONE, and for marvellous unspeakably glorious\nmoments KNOW HIM.\n\nThis is life: to be in Him and He in us, _and know it._\n\n* * *\n\nThese beautiful flights of the soul cannot be taken through idleness,\nthough they are taken in what would outwardly appear to be a great\nstillness. This stillness is but the necessary abstraction from physical\nactivity, even from physical consciousness; but inwardly the spirit is\nin a great activity, a very ferment of secret work. This, to the writer,\nis frequently produced by the beautiful in Nature, the spirit\ninvoluntarily passing at sight of beauty into a passionate admiration\nfor the Maker of it. This high, pure emotion, which is also an\n_intense activity_ of the spirit, would seem so to etherealise the\ncreature that instantly the delicate soul is able to escape her loosened\nbonds and flies towards her home, filled with ineffable,\nincomparable delight, praising, singing, and joying in her Lord and\nGod until the body can endure no more, and swiftly she must return\nto bondage in it. But the most wonderful flights of the soul are made\nduring a high adoring contemplation of God. We are in high\ncontemplation when the heart, mind, and soul, having dropped\nconsciousness of all earthly matters, have been brought to a full\nconcentration upon God--God totally invisible, totally unimaged,\n_and yet focussed to a centre-point by the great power of love._ The\nsoul, whilst she is able to maintain this most difficult height of\ncontemplation, may be visited by an intensely vivid perception,\ninward vision, and knowledge of God's attributes or perfections,\nvery brief; and this _as a gift,_ for she is not able to will such a\nfelicity to herself, but being given such she is instantly consumed\nwith adoration, and _enters ecstasy._\n\nHaving achieved these degrees of progress, the heart and mind will\nsay: \"Now I may surely repose, for I have attained!\" And so we may\nrepose, but not in idleness, which is to say, not without abundance of\nprayer. For only by prayer is our condition maintained and renewed;\nbut without prayer, by which I mean an incessant inward\ncommunion, quickly our condition changes and wears away. No\nmatter to what degree of love we have attained, we need to pray for\nmore; without persistent but short prayer for faith and love we might\nfall back into strange woeful periods of cold obscurity.\n\nTo the accomplished lover great and wonderful is prayer; the more\ncompletely the mind and heart are lifted up in it, the slower the\nwording. The greater the prayer, the shorter in words, though the\nlonger the saying of it, for each syllable will needs be held up upon\nthe soul before God, slowly and, as it were, in a casket of fire, and\nwith marvellous joy. And there are prayers without words, and\nothers without even thoughts, in which the soul in a great stillness\npasses up like an incense to the Most High. This is very pure, great\nlove; wonderful, high bliss.\n\n* * *\n\nIn the earlier stages of progress, when the heart and mind suffer\nfrom frequent inconstancy, loss of warmth, even total losses of love,\nset the heart and mind to recall to themselves by reading or thinking\nsome favourite aspect of their Lord Jesus Christ. It may be His\ngentleness, or His marvellous forgiveness, as to Peter when \"He\nturned and looked at him\" after the denial; for so He turns and looks\nupon ourselves. Or it may be His sweetness that most draws us. But\nlet us fasten the heart and mind upon whichever it may be, and in the\nwarmth of admiration _love will return to us._\n\n* * *\n\nThe mode of entrance into active contemplation I would try to\nconvey in this way. The body must be placed either sitting or\nkneeling, and supported, or flat on the back as though dead. Now the\nmind must commence to fold itself, closing forwards as an open rose\nmight close her petals to a bud again, for every thought and image\nmust be laid away and nothing left but a great forward-moving love\nintention. Out glides the mind all smooth and swift, and plunges\ndeep, then takes an upward curve and up and on till willingly it\nfaints, the creature dies, and consciousness is taken over by the soul,\nwhich, quickly coming to the trysting-place, _spreads herself_ and\nthere awaits the revelations of her God. To my feeling this final\ncomplete passing over of consciousness from the mind to the soul is\nby act and will of God only, and cannot be performed by will of the\ncreature, and is the fundamental difference between the\ncontemplation of Nature and the contemplation of God. The creature\nworships, but the soul alone knows contact. And yet the mode of\ncontemplation is a far simpler thing than all these words--it is the\nvery essence of simplicity itself; and in this sublime adventure we\nare really conscious of no mode nor plan nor flight, nought but the\nmighty need of spirit to Spirit and love to Love.\n\n* * *\n\nThe picking out and choosing of certain persons, and the naming of\nthem \"elect\" and \"chosen\" souls, when I first read of it, filled me\nwith such a sinking that I tried, when coming upon the words, not to\nadmit the meaning of them into myself; for that some should be\nchosen and some not I felt to be favouritism, and could not\nunderstand or see the justice of it. I never ask questions. He left me\nin this condition for eighteen months. Then He led me to an\nexplanation sufficient for me. The way He showed it me was not by\ncomparisons with great things--angels and saints and holy persons;\nbut by that humble creature, man's friend, the dog, He showed me\nthe elect creature. It was this way.\n\nOne evening as I passed through the city I had one of those sudden\nstrong impulses (by which He guides us) to go to a certain and\nparticular cinematograph exhibition. I was very tired, and tried to\nput away the thought, but it pressed in the way that I know, and I\nknew it better to go. I sat for an hour seeing things that had no\ninterest for me, and wondering why I should have had to come,\nwhen at last a film was shown of war-dogs in training--dogs trained\nespecially to assist men and to carry their messages.\n\nThese dogs were especially selected, not for their charm of outward\nappearance, but for their inward capacities; _not for an especial love\nof the dog_ (or favouritism), but for that which they were willing to\nlearn how to do. The qualifications for (s)election were willingness,\nobedience, fidelity, endurance. Once chosen they were set apart.\nThen commenced the training, and we were shown how man put his\nwill through the dog: he was able to do this _only because of the\nwillingness of the dog._ The purport of the training was to carry a\nmessage for his master wherever his master willed. He must go\ninstantly and at full speed; he must leap any obstacle; he must turn\naway from his own kind if they should entice him to linger on the\nway; he must subdue all his natural desires and instincts entirely to\nhis master's desires; he must be indifferent to danger. And to secure\nthis he was fired over by numbers of men, difficulties were set for\nhim, and he was distracted from his straight course by a number of\ntests. Yet we saw the brave and faithful creatures running on their\nway at their fullest speed until, exhausted and breathless but filled\nwith joy of _love and willingness,_ they reached the journey's end,\nto be caressed and cared for beyond other dogs until the next\noccasion should arise. Then we were shown the dog in his\nfully-trained condition. His master could now always rely upon him. A\ndog always ready, always faithful and self-forgetful, was then set\napart into a still smaller and more (s)elect group and surrounded\nwith most especial care and love. Never would it want for anything.\nIn this there was justice. Forsaking all their natural ways, these dogs\nhad submitted themselves wholly, in loving willingness, to their\nmaster's will, and he in return would lavish all his best on them. It\nwas but just. Oh, how my heart leaped over it! At last I understood--for\nas the dog, so the human creature. We become chosen souls,\nnot for our own sakes (which had always seemed to me such\nfavouritism), but for our willingness to learn our Master's Will. And\nwhat is His will and what is His work? Of many, many kinds, and\nthis is shown to the soul in her training. But the hardest to learn is\nnot that of the worker, but of the messenger and lover. As the\nmessenger, to take His messages, in whatever direction, instantly\nand correctly, and to take back the answer from man to Himself--which\nis to say, to hold before Him the needs of man on the fire of\nthe soul, known to most persons under the name of prayer. And as\nthe lover, to sing to Him with never-failing joyful love and thanks.\n\nBut the learning and work of the soul is not so simple as that of the\ndog, who carries the message in writing upon his collar. The soul\ncan have no written paper to assist her, and long and painful is her\ntraining; and exquisitely sweet it is when, having swiftly and\naccurately taken the message, she waits before Him for the rapture\nof those caresses that she knows so well.\n\nHow I was spurred! For I said, \"Shall dogs outdo us in love and\ndevotion?\" Only in a condition of total submission, self-forgetfulness,\nself-abnegation, can the soul either receive or deliver her\nmessage. In this way she is justified of the joys of her election.\nThe dog, faithful in all ways to his master, receives in return all\npraise and all meats, whatever he desires. The faithful soul also\nreceives all praise and all meats, both spiritual and carnal, for\nnothing of earthly needs will lack her _if she asks_; and without\nasking, her needs are mysteriously and completely given her. Her\nspiritual meats are, in this world, peace, joy, ecstasy, rapture; and of\nthe world to come it is written that eye hath not seen, nor ear heard,\nneither have entered into the heart of man, the things that God has\nprepared for them that love Him.\n\nIt might be supposed that only persons filled with public charities\nand social improvements, ardent and painstaking church workers,\nmight most surely and easily learn to be messengers. But all these\npersons pursue and follow their own line of thought, the promptings\nof their own minds and hearts. They are admirable workers, but not\nmessengers. For the hound of God must have in his heart no plan of\nhis own. It is hard for the heart to say, \"I have no wishes of my own;\nI have no interests, no plans, no ambitions, no schemes, no desires,\nno loves, no will. Thy will is my will. Thy desire is my desire. Thy\nlove is my all. I am empty of all things, that I may be a channel for\nthe stream of Thy will.\"\n\nWith what patience, what tenderness, what inexpressible\nendearments He helps the soul, training her by love!--which is not to\nsay that she is trained without much suffering of the creature. So we\nare trained by two opposite ways--by suffering and by joys; and the\nwhole under an attitude of passionate and devoted attention on our\npart. The sufferings of the soul baffle all description with their\nstrange intensities.\n\nOur encouragements are great and extraordinary sweetnesses,\nurgings, and joyful uplifting of the spirit. So that when we would\nstop, we are pressed forward; when we are exhausted, we are filled\nwith the wine of sweetness; when we are in tears, we are embraced\ninto the Holy Spirit.\n\n* * *\n\nSin and ill are the false notes struck by man across the harmony of\nGod's will, and to strike upon or even remember such notes is instant\nbanishment from the music of His presence. Where all is joy, there\njoy is all_;_ and he who has not reached this joy does not know\nGod--he is still a follower, and not a possessor, and he should refuse\nin his heart to remain satisfied with his condition, but climb on. Why\nstay behind? Climb on, climb on!\n\nHow often I have been mystified and disturbed by the attitude of\nmany religious and pious people, that to follow Christ is a way of\ngloom, of sadness, of heaviness! How often have I gathered from\nsermons that we are to give up all bright and enticing things if we\nwould follow Him, and the preacher _goes no further!_ Has the\nLord, then, no enticements, no sweetnesses, no brightness to offer us,\nthat we should be asked to forsake all pleasantnesses, all brightness,\nall attractions if we follow Him? This to me always seemed terrible,\nand my heart would sink. Indeed, to my poor mind and heart it\nseemed nothing more hopeful than a going from bad to worse!\n\nAll the pictures I have seen, either of the Crucifixion or the Way of\nthe Cross (and especially those of more recent times and painting),\nportray His Blessed Face all worn with gloom; and I know now that\nthis is far from the truth. For perfect love knows agony, but no\ngloom. He went through all His agony, lifted high above gloom, in a\ngreat ecstasy of love for us.\n\nTo speak of _sacrifice_ in connection with following Him is, to my\nmind, the work of a very foolish person and one in danger of being\nblasphemous. For how dare we say that it is a sacrifice when, by the\nputting away of foolish desires, we find God! And to find God,\nthrough the following of Jesus Christ, is to _gain so much_ (even in\nthis world, and without waiting for the next) that those who gain it\nnever cease to be amazed at the vastness of it.\n\nWe find this to be an absolute truth, that if we have not Him we\nhave, and are, nothing, in comparison with that which we are and\nthat which we have when we have Him.\n\nIn my earlier stages I was greatly set back and disturbed by this\ngloom and sacrifice (which is no sacrifice) of myself so put forward\nby pulpit teaching. It was a great hindrance to me and blinded me to\nthe truth. I was only a normal, ordinary creature, and they thrust a\ngreat burden into my arms.\n\nLittle by little, as I was able to learn directly from His own heart, I\ncame to know Him as He is; and I could not reconcile this\nknowledge of Himself which He gave me, especially of His high\nwillingness and serenity, with pulpit teachings of heavy gloom. The\nChurch too frequently spoke to me of following Him in terms which\nconveyed a burden: \"Pick up thy cross, pick up thy cross!\" they\ncried; and He spoke to me in terms which conveyed a great joy:\n\"Come to Me, come to Me, for I love thee!\"\n\nI thought I was very cowardly and sinned by this inability to like the\ngloomy burden, and one day I came upon this out of Jeremiah: \"As\nfor the prophet, or the priest, or the people, that shall say, The\nburden of the Lord, I will punish that man and his house . . . because\nye say, The burden of the Lord, I will utterly forget you and forsake\nyou, and cast you out of My presence.\"\n\nThese words of Jesus, \"Take up thy cross and follow Me\": whoever\nwill do it will be shown by Jesus that the cross of following Him is\nno burden, but a deliverance, a finding of life, the way of escape, a\ngreat joy, and a garland of love.\n\nThe world thinks of joyousness as being laughter, cackling, and\nmuch silly noise; and to such I do not speak. But the Christ's\njoyousness is of a high, still, marvellous, and ineffable\ncompleteness--beyond all words; and _wholly satisfying_ to heart\nand soul and body and mind.\n\nIt is written, \"They shall love silver, and not be satisfied with it\"--for\nwhy? Only those are _satisfied_ who know the gold of Christ.\n\nAll of which is not to say that by following Him we shall escape\nfrom happenings and inconveniences and sorrows and illnesses\ncommon to life; but that when these come we are raised out of our\ndistress into His ineffable peace.\n\nWhen the heart is sad, use this sadness in a comprehension of the\ndeeper pain of Jesus, who was in the self-same exile as we ourselves.\nThe more the soul is truly awakened and touched, the more she feels\nherself to be in exile; and this is her cross.\n\nBut the remedy for her sadness is that she should courageously pass\nout of her woes of exile and go up to meet her lover with smiles.\nNow, He cannot resist this smiling courage and love of the soul, and\nvery quickly He must send her His sweetness, and her sadness is\ngone.\n\n* * *\n\nWhen I say that if we will take a few steps alone towards Christ--which\nis to say, if we will make some strenuous efforts to cleanse\nourselves and change our minds and ways--He will take us all the\nrest of the way, I speak from experience. For amongst many things\nthis happened to me: at a certain stage, after my third conversion on\nthe hill, He caused my former thoughts, desires, and follies to go\naway from me! It was as though He had sent a veil between me and\nsuch thoughts of my heart and mind as might not be pleasing to Him,\nso that they disappeared from my knowledge and my actions!\n\nBy this marvellous act He removed my difficulties, and put me into\na state of innocence which resembled the innocence I remember to\nhave had up to the age of four or five years. But I find this new\ninnocence far more wonderful than that of childhood, which is but\nthe innocence of ignorance. But this new innocence--which is a gift\nof God--is innocence with knowledge. I am not able to express the\ngratitude and amazement and wonder that have never ceased to fill\nme about this. Such things can only be spoken of by the soul to her\nlover, and then not in words but in a silence of tears.\n\nWhat did I ever do that He should show me such kindness? I did\nnothing except this: I desired with all the force of my heart and soul\nand mind and body to love Him. I said, \"Oh, if I could be the\nwarmest, tenderest lover that ever thou didst have! Teach me to be\nThy burning lover.\" This was my perpetual prayer. And my idea of\nHeaven was and is this, that without so much as knowing, or being\nknown or perceived by _any save Himself,_ without even a name,\nyet retaining my full consciousness of individuality, I should be with\nHim for always.\n\nWhat is this love for God, and how define it? For myself, I never\nknew it until I was filled with it upon the hill. Many judge it to be _a\nfollowing_ of Christ and His wishes, but this is only a part of it and\nthe way we begin it, and often we begin from duty, fear of future\npunishment, desire for salvation or spiritual pre-eminence, and\nobedience; and in none of these is there the joy of love.\n\nBy such standards I might count myself to have loved Him for\ntwenty years; but know I did not. For ten years past I felt myself to\nhave so great a need of Him, I sought Him so, that for me Heaven\ncontained no re-met former earthly loves, much as I loved them here.\nI knew that He would be my all. Nevertheless, He was not yet my\nLove, but my Need.\n\nLove is a fire, for we feel the great heat of it.\n\nLove is a light, for we perceive the white glare of it.\n\nOf things known, to what can we compare it? Most perhaps to\nelectricity, for here we have both light and heat, and the lightning\nflash strikes that which already contains the most of itself (or\nelectricity). And the lightning of God's love strikes him whose heart\ncontains the most love for Himself. And He strikes when He will,\nand afterwards visits when He will; and I do not count myself (for\nall my earthly loves) to have so much as known the outer edge of the\nmeaning of the word love, till He struck me with His own upon that\nhill.\n\nTruly, fair and holy love is our warranty, our only pass for entering\ninto Heaven.\n\nBrave and wilful, rapturous and insistent, love passes with bold yet\nhumble ecstasy into the very presence of her Lord and God; and\nalone, out of all creation, is never denied the Right of Way.\n\n* * *\n\nI have seen it quoted, \"Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, turn\nwithin, turn without, everywhere thou shalt find the Cross.\" But I\nsee it so: \"Turn to the heights, turn to the deeps, turn within, turn\nwithout, everywhere thou shalt find His Love.\" Love to help on the\nway. Too much we might suppose, to hear pious people talk, that\nbecause of Christ's way we must be miserable and our life an\nendless Cross! And so life may be a cross, but He carries it for us.\n\nDo sinful men never suffer? Do the sinful escape disease? and live\nfor ever without biting the dust in death or disappointment? Why,\ndisease and suffering are the very twin-children of sin. I am amazed\nthat people can take such a view of the Cross as to think it an\nunhappy, miserable way. For so marvellous is the beauty of such\nlove that there is no other so desirable a thing upon earth.\n\n\"Come, walk the way with Me,\" says the Beloved; \"I am all serenity,\nall peace, all might, all power, all love. Come, walk with Me, and\nforget thy tiny cares in the peace of My bosom.\"\n\n* * *\n\nWe do not love God because we do not yet know Him. And we do\nnot know Him because we seek only to know and have our own\ndesires: and having learnt to know these, we would have our\nunknown God accommodate Himself to us and them.\n\nBut let us first seek to know God's desires by heart, and then\naccommodate our own to His: so shall we learn to be pleasing to\nChrist, that He may lead us, whilst here, into His Garden. For to the\ncreature that ardently pursues God there comes at last a time when\nHe reveals Himself to the searching soul, saying: \"I Am Here.\nCome!\" Then in secrecy we arise,--and go to Him out of the House\nof Vanity into the music of the great Beyond.\n\nThere is small credit or virtue to the soul when, in a state of high\ngrace or nearness, she burns with love for her God: for she is under\nthe spell of the enticement of His Presence--how can she help but\nburn! It is as though two earthly lovers, in full sight and nearness,\nare filled each for each with great love, and are content.\n\nBut this is a credit to the soul and the creature (as to the earthly\nlovers), that in separation and farness they should seek no other, but\ncontinue to dwell with great intentness upon the absent love. This is\nfidelity.\n\nAt times it is as if her Lord said to the soul: \"I have other to do than\nto stay by thee; and also thou hast had more than enough to thy\nshare of My honey\"; and, so saying, He departs.\n\nAnd this is fidelity of the soul and the creature, and a great virtue,\nthat, without change of face, without complaint or petitioning, they\nshould with all sweetness continue to pour up to Him their unabated\nlove. If any can do this, he is a perfect lover and has no more to\nlearn.\n\nWhen the love of the soul, as it were, exceeds itself, it passes up and\nbeyond even the song of love; and being unable to express itself by\nwords or by song, or by deep sighings, or by any of those subtle,\nsilent, spiritual means known only between herself and God, when\nall means fail because of the too great stress of her adoration, then\nthe soul passes into a great pain, which is the anguish of love and a\nhard thing to bear. This excess is to the fullness of the Godhead.\n\nAnd now the soul must turn to prayer for help, but not to the\nGodhead: for the more she turns to the Godhead the greater becomes\nher anguish. But coming down to His humanity, she must beseech\nsweet Jesus for His aid, and so regain her equilibrium.\n\n* * *\n\nMany of us are, perhaps unwittingly, impudent to God. In this way\nwe are impudent: We question (even though it be in secret, hidden in\nthe heart and not spoken) the justice of God, the ways of God, the\nplans of God, the love of God: by which means we argue with God\nand judge Him. And another manner of impudence we have is this,\nthat we dare to attribute or to blame Him for the results of man's\nown filth, saying: \"This and this is the will of God, for we see that it\nexists, and His will is omnipotent.\" Oh, beware of this impudence,\ndrop it out of the heart and mind, and flee from it as from the plague!\n\"How then can these things be, if He is omnipotent?\" we say.\nBecause of this, that in the trust of His great love He gave us the\nroyal and Godly gift of free-will, and our souls have proved\nthemselves unworthy to have it; and now the creature is brought\nbefore the Beautiful, and the Holy, and the Pure, but turning away,\nlike the sow, prefers the mire and the festering sores proceeding\nfrom such wallowings. If there were no choice, there were no virtue,\nand no progress home. But let no man venture in his heart to\nattribute to that Holy and Marvellous Being whom we speak of as\nGod, not knowing as yet His Name, any will towards festers and\ncorruptions, for what does He say Himself? \"Their sins rise up\nbefore Me and stink in My nostrils!\"\n\nWe surely forget that this world is not yet God's Kingdom, and that\nHis will is not done here, and will not be until the Judgment Day.\nThis world is but a tiny testing-chamber in His mighty workshop;\nand great and wonderful is the care He has for the workers in it.\n\nO man! whence come thy wretchednesses? Look round and think.\nDo they not all proceed from self and fellow-men, alive or dead?\nThen why blame God?\n\n\"Why am I here?\" we cry, \"to suffer all these pains, and my consent\nnot asked? A poor, sad puppet dancing to a tune I know not the\nrhythm of. Where is my recompense? And where my wages? I will\ntake all I can of what is offered here, and give no thanks! It is but\nmy scant due for all my wretchednesses!\"\n\nO foolish man! so timid of all future possibilities of bliss that he\nmust grasp and burn himself with such delights as he finds here!\nAnd equally mistaken and small-minded man who thinks that all our\nMighty God will have to offer us hereafter are crowns, damp clouds\nand mists, and endless hymns! Such little hearts are far away indeed\nfrom knowing the _magnitudes of Life._\n\nO wretched man! why this distrust? Hast thou created even thine\nown palate and digestion? Hast thou invented any of those fond\ndelights that so enslave thee now? Hast thou thyself devised the\nmeans wherewith to satisfy the longing of thy _creature_ for the\nsweets of life? They were provided thee; all that thou hast created is\nmisuse! Thou art but a perverted thing!--a crooked tool of self, a fly\ndrowning in the honey that it sought too greedily to own!\n\nO wretched, wretched man! so cloyed with sweets of earth thou\ncanst not raise thy head to see the sunrise out beyond the world, and\nknow true sweets! How many are the tears wept over thee by the\ngreat heart of God!\n\n* * *\n\nSince coming into this new way of living, the more I come into\ncontact with music the more I sense a mysterious connection\nbetween melody--the soul--and her _origin._ Alone out of all the\nsciences and arts, music has no foundation upon anything on earth.\nThere is no music in nature until the soul, come to a perfect\nharmony within herself, brings out the hidden harmony in all\ncreation, and, turning it to melody within herself, returns it to her\nLord in song, whether by outward instrument or inward love.\n\nThe soul, indeed, would seem to have come out of a life of infinite\nmelody and to have dropped into an existence of mere contrary and\nvexing time-beat.\n\nWho can by any means account for the variety of passions excited\nwithin him by the mere difference of the spacing, time, or rhythm of\nmusic? In my new condition of living I notice that the soul throws\nout with most disdainful impatience music that was formerly\nbeautiful to my mind and heart (or my creature); and certain types of\nflowing cadences (very rarely to be found), sustained in high,\nflowing, delicate, and soaring continuity will produce in her\nconditions akin to a madness of joy. For one brief instant _she\nremembers! but cannot utter what!_\n\nOf visions I know nothing, but received all my experiences into my\nsoul as amazingly real inward perceptions. That these perceptions\nare of unprecedented intensity, and more realistic than those which\nare merely visual, can be understood by bodily comparisons; for to\n_feel_ or to be one with fire is more than to _see_ it.\n\nTo try to compare spiritual life with physical experiences would\nseem to be useless; for, to my feeling, while we live in the spirit we\nlive at a great speed,--indeed, an incalculably great speed--and as a\nwhole and not in parts. For with physical living we live at one\nmoment by the eyes, at another with the mind, at another through\nthe heart, at another with the body. But the spirit feels to have no\nparts, for all parts are of so perfect a concordance that in this\nmarvellous harmony all is one and one is all. And this with\n_incredible intensity,_ so that we live not as now--dully--but at\nwhite heat of sensibility.\n\n_Prayer_\n\nPrayer is the golden wedding-ring between ourselves and God. For\nmyself, I divide it into two halves--the one petitioning, the other\noffering.\n\nOf petitioning I would say that this is the _work_ of the soul; and of\noffering, that it is the pleasure of the soul.\n\nOf petitioning, that I come to it under His command; and of offering,\nthat I come to it of my own high, passionate desire.\n\nI make upon my knees, three times a day, three short and formal\nprayers of humble worship, as befits the creature worshipping its\nIneffable and Mighty God: and for the rest of my time I sing to Him\nfrom my heart and soul, as befits the joyful lover, adoring and\nconversing with the Ineffable and Exquisite Beloved.\n\n* * *\n\nThis is the circle of His way with us. First is prayer; then love; and\nafter love, humility. With humility comes grace; and after grace,\ntemptation; and in temptation we must quickly enter prayer again.\n\n* * *\n\nO wonderful and ineffable God! who, while remaining hidden from\nHis lovers in this life, yet so ravishes their hearts and minds and\nsouls that they are unable to find truly sweet even the greatest of\nlife's former joys--for nothing can now ever satisfy them but the\nsecret and marvellous administrations of His love and grace! On one\nday feeling to be forsaken, the most desolate and lonely of all\ncreatures in the Universe; and on another exalted to almost\nunbearable pinnacles of bliss, equal to the angels in felicity, and\nblest beyond all power of words to say--such and so are the lovers of\nGod.\n\n* * *\n\nThe soul has six wings: love, obedience, humility, simplicity,\nperseverance, and courage. With these she can attain God.\n\nWe know very well that no man will find God either enclosed, held\nfast, or demonstrated within a circle of dogmatic words; but every\nman can find, in his own soul, an exquisite and incomparable\ninstrument of communication with God. To establish the working of\nthis communication is the whole object and meaning of life in this\nworld--this world of material, finite, and physical things, in which\nthe human body is at once a means and a debt.\n\nThe key to progress is a continual dressing of the will and mind and\nheart towards God, best brought about by continually filling the\nheart and mind with beautiful, grateful, and loving thoughts of Him.\nAt all stages of progress the thoughts persistently fly away to other\nthings in the near and visible world, and we have need quietly and\nperpetually to pick them up and re-centre them on Him. With the\nmind turned in this way, steadily towards God, we are in that state\nknown to science as polarisation: we are in that condition in which\ncommon iron becomes a magnet. It is so that God transforms us into\na diminutive part-likeness of Himself.\n\nWhen at last the soul reaches union with Him, she is for a while so\ncaressed, so held in a perpetual contact and nearness, that we may\nthink ourselves already permanently entered into Paradise! But this\nis not the plan; and, our education being exceedingly incomplete, we\nreturn to our schooling.\n\nWe commence to experience profound and even terrible longings to\nleave the world and all creatures, for we cannot bear either the sight\nor the sound of them, and seek all day long to be alone with the\nBeloved God. To conquer this last selfishness and weakness of the\nsoul, we must go again--as in the beginning--to Jesus. He teaches us\nto go to and fro _willingly,_ gladly, from the highest to the lowest.\nTo pick up our daily life and duties, our obligations to a physical\nworld, in all humility, sweet reasonableness, and submission. He\nteaches us to willingly accept incessant interruptions, and with\nsmiling face and perfect inward smoothness to descend from a\nhigh contemplation of God (and only those who know high\ncontemplation can judge of the immensity of what I say) to listen\nand _attend to_ some most trivial want of a fellow-creature! Reader,\nit is the hardest thing of all. No sooner have we learnt the hard and\ndifficult way of ascent than we must willingly come down it, even\nremain altogether in the valley below, and that with a smiling face\nand, if possible, no thought of impatience! This is the true sacrifice\nof the soul. Now, the sacrifices of the creature are the giving up of\nthe near and visible joys and prides of the world to follow Christ,\nand are not real but seeming sacrifices, for, if done heartily and with\ncourage, an exchange between these joys and the joys of the\ninvisible is rapidly effected, and there remains no sacrifice, but \"the\nhidden treasure\" is ours! But the sacrifice of the soul is real and long;\nfor having at last re-found God, she must resign her full joy of Him\ntill the death of the body--and this willingly, thankfully, without\ncomplaint, not asking favours but pouring up her gratitude. In joy or\nin pain, in happiness or in tribulation--gratitude! gratitude!--and this\nnot by her own strength but by strength of the Holy Ghost.\n\n* * *\n\nBecause of this new way of living, the mind acquires a great\nincrease of capacity and strength and clearness: being able to deal\nquickly and correctly with all matters brought before it with an ease\npreviously altogether unknown to its owner. It is no exaggeration to\nsay that the sagacity, scope, and grasp of the mind feels to be more\nthan doubled from that which it previously was, and this not because\nof any study, but by an involuntary alteration. So that, though the\nmind and attention are now given almost exclusively to the things of\nGod, yet when the things of the world have to be dealt with, this is\naccomplished with extraordinary efficiency and quickness, though\nvery distasteful to the mind.\n\n* * *\n\nAs the soul returns to her source nothing is more strongly\nemphasised to her than the strength and intensity of individuality;\nshe is shown that the essence of all joy is Individuality in Union.\n\nIn the marvellous condition of Contact, though we cease to be the\ncreature or the soul adoring the Creator (but by an incomprehensible\ncondescension we are accepted as one with Himself in love), yet we\nretain our own consciousness, which is our individuality.\n\nIn the highest rapture I ever was in, my soul passed into a fearful\nextremity of experience: she was burned with so terrible an excess\nof bliss, that she was in great fear and anguish because of this excess.\nIndeed, she was so overcome by this too great realisation of the\nstrength of God that she was in terror of both God and joy. It was\nthree days before she recovered any peace, and more than a year\nbefore I dared recall one instant of it to mind.\n\nI am not able to think that even in Heaven the soul could endure\nsuch heights for more than a period. These heights are incomparably,\nunutterably beyond vision and union. They are the uttermost\nextremity of that which can be endured by the soul, at least until she\nhas re-risen to great altitudes of holiness in ages to come.\n\nBy contact with God we acquire certain wonderful and terrible\nrealisations of truth and knowledge. For one thing, we learn the\nnature and mode of spirit-life, as over against body- or sense-life.\nWe learn, at first with great fear, something of the awful intensities\nof pain, as of joy, which can be endured by the spirit when free of\nthe body: for when we are in the spirit we do not _see_ fire, but we\nfeel to _become it_ and yet live! And so equally of pain or joy--we\ndo not feel these things delicately, as with, and in, the body, but we\npass into the essence of these things themselves, in all their terrible\nand marvellous intensity, which is comparatively without limit.\n\nWoe to those who must gather the garland of pain--which is\nremorse-after death! It is easier to suffer a whole lifetime in the\nbody than one day in the spirit. O soul! come to thy contrition here\nin this world, where pain has short limit! Repent and return!\n\n* * *\n\nOf the marvellous favours shown to the soul the heart cries out: \"O\nmighty God! of the magnitude of Thy condescensions I am afraid\neven to think; they are too great for me, and I dare to recall them,\nbut only with all the simplicity of a little child!\"\n\n* * *\n\nThose who feel desire and need within themselves to reach the\nheights of inward life will do it best, not through diversity of\ninterests in fellow-creatures, but by unification of all interests in\nGod.\n\nGod once found, and possessed, we return to the interests of\ncreatures in moderation and with judgment.\n\n* * *\n\nWhat is pain? It is a mystery of separation, and we are gangrenous\nwith sin and pain because of separation from the source of life.\n\nTruth now comes to us in such small segments that we no longer see\nthe pattern of it; but this we are able to perceive: that the mystery of\nSeparation is equal in degree with the mystery of Union, and that the\nchild of separation is Pain.\n\nHow did the soul ever become so separated from God? To my\nfeeling, in curiosity of loves we may find the answer, and know the\n\"fall\" to be not that of the animal man but of the soul, which, once\nliving in perpetual beatitude--knowing nothing of pain because of\nthe unity with God, not understanding or being even grateful for her\nbliss because of its invariable presence, and given free-will,--in\ncuriosity went out in search of newer and yet newer loves. And this\nis the retribution of the soul for her unfaithful wanderings--that as\nseparation grows greater she commences to know pain, and,\nbecoming anxious therefrom to return to the source of her\nremembered joys, she finds herself unable to accomplish this\nbecause of the weight and grossness of the nature of the loves to\nwhich she has hired herself, and from which _she is totally unable to\nfree herself,_ and yet which she must by some means overcome that\nshe may rise again to sanctity and return to God.\n\nNow comes the marvellous, the pitiful, the universal Christ to her\naid--the Mighty Lover; and we may see in the whole scheme of\nCreation, as we know it here, from jelly-fish to man, a plan by\nwhich the soul may bring her wanderings to a term in time\nconditions instead of timeless sons. When all this earth is evolved\nfor her great need, at last by the mercy of God she is interned in the\nbody of finite man, and must clothe herself in the heart and mind of\nthe human and take upon herself the nature of this creature man,\nmade and fashioned to be a suitable instrument and habitation for\nher. To counterbalance the grossness and ineptitude of the creature's\nmaterial body with its appetites, man is imbued with the knowledge\nof right, and with a secret longing for a _happiness which is not that\nof the beast._\n\nThe soul must raise the brute in him, with all its appetites, to\npurity,--a mighty task, accomplished with much pain, yet in infinitely\nshorter duration of pain than if left in disembodied spirit-life; and,\nindeed, we may come to look upon pain in this world as one of our\nbest privileges because of its powers of purification within a time-limit,\nand to know that by the mercy of the God of Love we may take our hell\nof cleansing in this world rather than in those worlds of disembodied\nspirits where progress is of infinite slowness--revolving and revolving\nupon itself, as a sand-spiral in a blast-furnace, without hope of death.\n\nOh, how convey any warning of this terrible knowledge, which is\nnot communicable by words! He said, \"Though one return from the\ndead, ye would not believe.\" But, O soul! repent and return while\nstill in the body! Lay hold on the Christ!\n\nIn the life of this world, then, does our God of love and mercy give\nus rapid means (by conquest of the animal grossness and corruptible\nbody, raising man to the ideal man, according to God's intention) to\nreunite ourselves with Him. And the soul of all animal creation is\nalso thereby gradually raised with us into a universal adoration of\nthe One Almighty God.\n\nThis is no fallen but a rising world, in which all Creation is slowly\nand gloriously rising step by step.\n\nSo may our soul repay her debt to God for her past infidelities.\n\n\"Thy Maker is thine husband,\" says the voice of the prophet.\n\nAnd the creature, with its suffering heart and mind and body, has\nalso its incomparable reward of bliss: for because of its love and\nobedience it is raised into the spiritual body, AND TOGETHER\nWITH THE SOUL BECOMES THE CHILD OF THE RESURRECTION.\n\n------\n\n[Transcriber's Notes:  The name of the author, Lilian Staveley, is not\nmentioned on the title page of this text, but I have added it here.  I\nhave made one spelling change:  \"enough to blow-to\" to \"enough to\nblow to\".]","title":"The Golden Fountain: or, The Soul's Love for God. Being some Thoughts and; Confessions of One of His Lovers","tradition":"scripture-revelation","translated_text":null,"word_count":23364}