{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_46207/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_46207","id":"gutenberg_46207","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/46207","summary":null,"tags":["Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","Category: Plays/Films/Dramas","Category: Science-Fiction & Fantasy","English drama -- 19th century"],"text":"A VISION OF VENUS;\nOR, A MIDSUMMER-NIGHT'S NIGHTMARE.\n\nA FARCICAL PIECE OF SINGULARITY, IN TWO ACTS, AND EIGHT TABLEAUX.\n\nPARTLY SUGGESTED BY ANSTEY'S \"TINTED VENUS.\"\n\nBY HARRY PLEON.\n\n_Produced at the Britannia Theatre, Hoxton, March 20, 1893._\n\n\n[Illustration]\n\n\nDramatis Person\u00e6,\n\n                     { (A Hairdresser and        }\n                     { Perfumer, who by some     }\nALPHONZO LATHEREM    { mystic power is beloved   }  Mr. Harry Pleon.\n                     { and followed by           }\n                     { Aphrodite)                }\n\nINSPECTOR HANDSAW    { (Of the Criminal          }  Mr. Edward Leigh.\n                     { Investigation Department) }\n\nAUGUSTUS GILLFEATHER { (A jolly fellow, don't    }  Mr. Bruce Lindley.\n                     { you know)                 }\n\nFIRST ROBBER            . . .   . . .     . . .     Mr. F. Beaumont.\n\nSECOND ROBBER           . . .   . . .     . . .     Mr. Barrett.\n\nOLD MAN                 . . .   . . .     . . .     Mr. W. Abbott.\n\nJANE FRILLINGS             (A Dressmaker)           Miss Ada Morgan.\n\nVENUS                   (The Living Statue)         Miss Amy Lyster.\n\n\nTIME OF REPRESENTATION.--One Hour and a Quarter.\n\n1,025. Dicks' Standard Plays.\n\n\n\nCOSTUME.\n\nALPHONZO.--Fashionable light suit; white hat.\n\nAUGUSTUS.--Black frock suit; tall silk hat; very high collar.\n\nHANDSAW.--Inspector's clothes.\n\nTWO ROBBERS.--Rough clothes.\n\nOLD MAN.--Black coat; light trousers; white hat; stock; stick &c.\n\nJANE.--Very neat walking dress.\n\nVENUS.--Something after the mythological style.\n\n\nSYNOPSIS.\n\nACT I.--Hendon Gardens.     ACT II.--The Hairdresser's.\n\nTABLEAU I.--On the Drunk--Awake.----TABLEAU II.--On the\nGround--Asleep.----TABLEAU III.--The Dream; the Living\nStatue.----TABLEAU IV.--Attempted Robbery of the Antique\nVenus.----TABLEAU V.--Venus Claims the Hairdresser.----TABLEAU\nVI.--Venus at the Barber's.----TABLEAU VII.--It Vanishes.----TABLEAU\nVIII.--Wide Awake.\n\n\nSTAGE DIRECTIONS.\n\nEXITS AND ENTRANCES.--R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ D. F. _Door in\nFlat;_ R. D. _Right Door; _L. D. _Left Door;_ S. E. _Second Entrance;_\nU. E. _Upper Entrance;_ M. D. _Middle Door;_ L. U. E. _Left Upper\nEntrance;_ R. U. E. _Right Upper Entrance;_ L. S. E. _Left Second\nEntrance;_ P. S. _Prompt Side;_ O. P. _Opposite Prompt._\n\nRELATIVE POSITIONS.--R. means _Right;_ L. _Left;_ C. _Centre;_ R. C.\n_Right of Centre;_ L.  C. _Left of Centre._\n\n   R.    RC.    C.    LC.     L.\n\n*** _The Reader is supposed to be on the Stage, facing the Audience._\n\n\n\nA VISION OF VENUS.\n\nACT I.\n\nSCENE I.--_Hendon Gardens.--House piece, L. 3 E. to L. 2 E., with\n\"Refreshments\" worded over folding doors--the doors are made so as to\nshow the counter, &c., inside; semi-grottos (two), R. 2 E. to R. 3 E.;\ntwo statues, R. C. and L. C. (up stage); the Living Statue in C.,\ncovered with long black cloth till wanted. Scene at back represents\ngardens, after the style of the Welsh Harp, Hendon.--Lights half down\nat commencement of the scene, which gradually gets darker and darker\ntowards the end of scene.--Music as curtain goes up. \"Is this a\ndream?\"; and then waltz--piano._\n\n_ALPHONZO and AUGUSTUS are discovered dancing with two Girls (\"sups.\")\nOthers are waltzing as curtain rises. After a while Alphonzo and\nAugustus are left by themselves. Waltz still being played piano\nthrough dialogue._\n\nALPH. Awfully jolly dance that, eh, old fellow? Those _walkas_ and\n_polkas_ are just my style.\n\nAUG. Pardon me, old chappie, you mean waltz, don't you know?\n\nALPH. Well, _waltz_ the difference? I wonder where those two girls\nwent? I don't want 'em hanging round me, as I am expecting my young\nwoman down here in a few minutes.\n\nAUG. Indeed?\n\nALPH. No, in a cab! You see, I've been on with Jane--that's her\nname--some time, and she's a nice girl, only she is mighty partickler.\nShe doesn't like me loving and courting other girls.\n\nAUG. Very likely.\n\nALPH. Well, she'll be down here presently, so I must keep myself very\nquiet, you know.\n\nAUG. Ah, well, in the meanwhile we will have a little refreshment!\nCome along, old chappie! Awfully jolly place this, don't you know!\n\n[_Exit into refreshment-bar._\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I wish I had some money. I've only got my fare home\nand a pipe-cleaner. I suppose I must face it out. (_Aloud._) By the\nway, what say you if we have a drink, eh?\n\nAUG. Ah, a good idea! Awfully jolly, old fellow!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, it will be if I have to pay. (_Aloud._) What\nshall it be?\n\nAUG. Champagne.\n\nALPH. Of course--of course! (_Aside._) My fare home looks sick. All\nright!\n\nAUG. Let's toss for it--heads I win tails you lose!\n\nALPH. All right. Kaffers win, tails Zulus. (_Aside._) I've only got a\ntrouser button to toss with. Never mind, here goes.\n\nAUG. Now, then. (_They toss up. Alphonzo pretends to lose his coin;\nbegins looking for it._) Have you lost something, old boy?\n\nALPH. (_Still looking._) Yes; but it's of no consequence--only a\nten-pound note. Never mind, old boy, it will do for the parkkeeper.\n\nAUG. Do you always toss with notes?\n\nALPH. Yes; I attach more importance to notes than money in coin.\n\nAUG. Why so?\n\nALPH. Why, you see if you put a five-pound note in your waistcoat\npocket, you _double_ it; and when you bring it out again you see it\n_increases_.\n\nAUG. Ah, awfully jolly! I'll remember that!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) So will I. I read it in _Tit-Bits_.\n\nAUG. But, joking on one side, I must pay for the drinks.\n\nALPH. No, no, old fellow; I really----\n\n(_Putting his hand in his pocket._)\n\nAUG. Now, once and for all you are not going to pay----\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm not. (_Aloud._) But I insist!\n\nAUG. Once for all you can't pay.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm ---- if I can. (_Aloud._) Well, if you insist\nupon it, I suppose I must give in.\n\nAUG. Now, there's a sensible fellow. You can pay next time, see?\n\nALPH. Oh, yes!\n\nAUG. A little supper, eh, at the Caf\u00e9 Royal?\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, two of eels and a ha'poth of bread. (_Aloud._)\nCertainly, old boy.\n\nAUG. We'll make a little party--two nice girls, eh? What do you think\nof a little fricass\u00e9e de poulet et pommes de terres frites?\n\nALPH. No, I don't think so; but I never go in for politics.\n\nAUG. You funny fellow, you will have your little joke! But I'll go and\norder these drinks. What shall it be--Mo\u00ebt?\n\nALPH. Yes, the more the merrier.\n\nAUG. (_Going towards pavilion, calling._) Waiter--waiter!\n\n[_Exit into refreshment-room._\n\nALPH. My word, what a dude he is! It's a wonder he ain't _subdude_\nsometimes, don't you know. But it must be near my girl's time. (_Looks\nat watch._) She ought to have been here now. I hope she don't meet\nthat girl I have been dancing with. I must be above those things\nbefore her. What the eye don't see the ear can't see either. Hallo, I\ndo believe I see a female figure. No, it ain't her! I wish when she\ncomes, I had the courage to propose to her. I've got the ring and\neverything ready. A nice ring--six carat. I must get a couple of\npen'oth of whiskers--I mean whiskey--and some four ale down me to back\nme up like. That's a good idea. I'll just try a little drop now on\naccount.\n\n[_Exit into refreshment-room._\n\n_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._\n\nHAND. Well, up to the present I haven't seen any suspicious-looking\ncharacters round here! I've been sent down here because there's been\nsome daring robberies of antique sculpture, and one among 'em is a\ngenuine antique of Venus, worth thousands of pounds; and it's been\nhidden away in some public gardens and palmed on to the manager as\nmerely plaster, and took a trifle for it, so that when the coast was\nclear they'd be able to come for it again, and take it abroad. A very\nclever idea! But I'll find out where this figure is. It is in some\npublic gardens. (_Looks at figures._) I don't suppose it's among\nthose; but I'll wait a bit. Why, blow me, here's one covered up!\n(_Looks under cloth of C. figure._) My eye, what a beauty! What, if\nthis should be the missing Venus. So soon! I'll hang about here\nanyhow.\n\n[_Strolls off, L. 1 E._\n\n_Enter JANE, R. U. E._\n\nJANE. I'm a little behind-hand to meet my Alphonzo. But better late\nthan never. I said I would meet him by the refreshment-room. (_Looks\nin._) Why, there he is! I'll just go in and surprise him.\n\n[_Exit into refreshment-room._\n\n_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._\n\nHAND. At last! I felt certain I should capture my man or men to-night.\nI just saw two fellows climbing over the wall yonder--one had a sack.\nI am certain they're coming for this figure. I'll let 'em think the\ncoast is quite clear, and then when they've got the figure in the\nsack--then I'll come on 'em like a ton of coal. I'll keep round about\nhere. This is glorious.\n\n[_Goes off, R. 1 E._\n\n_Enter ALPHONZO and JANE, from refreshment-room. Alphonzo drunk._\n\nJANE. Well, I must say you're a nice young gentleman! After failing to\nmeet me at the mentioned spot, you get beastly intoxicated. (_Stamping\nher foot._) It is really shameful!\n\nALPH. 'Squse me, Jane, I'm not intoxicated--I'm excited. (_Aside._) I\nmust propose to-night--I feel I must.\n\nJANE. I think it's too bad of you, and I came here thinking I was\ngoing to enjoy a dance.\n\nALPH. Ah, Jane, don't think of dancing--think of what I am about to\nsay!\n\nJANE. (_Aside._) Oh, my, he's going to propose! (_Aloud._) What is it?\n\nALPH. (_Suddenly._) Jane, I have something burning within me----\n\nJANE. (_Sighing._) Ah, me--ah, me!\n\nALPH. No, not an army--not the Salvation Army; but it is an\nindescribable something that soars on high--a something that--that----\nDo not interrupt me.\n\nJANE. I didn't interrupt you.\n\nALPH. Well, why didn't you? Ah, Jane, did you but know--if you only\nknew----\n\nJANE. What?\n\nALPH. I don't know. Never mind, bring up all that is past and is to\ncome. I have something to say to you--something to ask you, which\nmeans life or death to me.\n\nJANE. (_Aside._) He's going to ask me to marry him. (_Aloud._) What is\nit?\n\nALPH. Tell me--tell me----\n\nJANE. Yes--yes.\n\nALPH. Has your mother sold the mangle?\n\nJANE. (_Smacking his face._) You're a fool!\n\nALPH. Jane, you have touched me on a tender spot.\n\nJANE. Where?\n\nALPH. An unseen place. You have called me a fool! I can stand being\ncalled a thief, swindler, liar, or even murderer, but when a person\ncalls me a fool, they insult the mother I board with! Away, woman,\ndon't attempt to cajole me!\n\nJANE. (_Crying._) I ain't--I don't want to cajole you!\n\nALPH. Why don't you come and _catch hold_ of me? Come and kiss me!\n\nJANE. (_Crying._) I sha'n't, you nasty, ugly, dirty, drunken beast.\n\nALPH. When you speak loving words like those, I know you love me! Come\nand kiss your little snowdrop!\n\nJANE. (_Annoyed._) Kiss you? Not I. When I kiss anyone it will be a\nfine, tall, handsome gentleman, someone who hasn't lost all idea of\nchivalry!\n\nALPH. (_Taken back._) I didn't mean what you said. I mean I didn't say\nwhat I mean!\n\nJANE. I won't speak to you again. I will find a gentleman to take me\nhome. (_Aside._) Ah, here comes a gentleman from the Pavilion! I will\nspeak to him, and make little Alphonzo jealous. I'll serve him out for\ngetting drunk.\n\n_Enter AUGUSTUS from refreshment-room._\n\nAUG. Ah, here you are, Alphonzo, and this I presume is your young\nlady, don't you know?\n\n(_Bowing.--Business._)\n\nALPH. Yes, you do presume, don't you know! (_Aside._) This fellow will\ncut me out if I don't take care.\n\nAUG. (_To Jane._) May I take the liberty of asking you to take a\nlittle refreshment?\n\nJANE. Certainly!\n\n(_Takes his arm._)\n\nALPH. Well, I shall get the needle in a minute. (_To Augustus._) Look\nhere, old man, I am----\n\nAUG. Some other time, old chappie!\n\nALPH. But I paid her fare down here!\n\nAUG. Well, I'll take care of her till I see you are a little more\nsober, don't you know.\n\nALPH. No; I don't know.\n\nAUG. (_To Jane._) There is going to be a little dancing in the\npavilion.\n\nJANE. Oh, that will be lovely!\n\nAUG. And may I have the pleasure of your hand?\n\nALPH. He'll have the pleasure of my foot!\n\nAUG. As I was saying, may I have the pleasure of your hand in the\ndance?\n\nJANE. With pleasure.\n\n(_Waltz played piano._)\n\nAUG. Ah, they've started! Let us join the revelry.\n\nALPH. Go to the devilry! False girl, you have blighted my maiden\nheart!\n\n(_Jane laughs._)\n\nAUG. (_Laughing._) Ah, that's truly funny, old chappie, don't you\nknow! Come along, Ma'mselle!\n\n[_Exit Augustus and Jane into pavilion._\n\nALPH. Well, this is a pretty state of things! He walks off with my\ngirl and calls her a dam sell. What shall I do? And to think I got\nthis ring out of pawn to give her! I must regain her somehow! How\nshall I do it? I know. I'll ask her to marry me. I must practise it a\nbit. I have it. I'll practise with one of these figures. (_Looks at\nthem._) No; I don't like the look of them--they ain't got enough\ncloth's on! Hallo, here's another! She's covered up. Let's see if\nshe's dressed a little more decent.\n\n_He throws the covering by, discovering VENUS. Limelight. Stage fully\ndark.--Picture.--She is discovered sitting on a chair--(trick\nchair)--her arm extended. As limelight falls full on her, HANDSAW\nappears, R. 1 E. Music--piano till end of Act._\n\nHAND. (_Aside._) Hallo, another one! Then there's a gang of 'em here!\nI may have to get assistance.\n\n[_Withdraws._\n\nALPH. (_Who up to now has been contemplating the figure._) My eye,\nain't she a beauty! I'll practise with this one. Now, where's that\nring? I wonder if it will fit her?\n\n_Puts ring on the figure's finger. As he is doing so, HANDSAW looks\non, R. 1 E._\n\nHAND. I wish I could see his face. I can't get a glimpse.\n\n[_Withdraws._\n\nALPH. Most lovely creature, here behold me at your very feet.\n(_Falls._) Quite so. I love the very ground I walk on! Say you will\nmarry me, and you shall never know a moment's happiness?\n(_Business.--Scream inside pavilion._) What's that? Someone been run\nover? Never mind, as I said before----\n\n(_Scream outside._)\n\n_AUGUSTUS rushes in from refreshment-room._\n\nAUG. Oh, old fellow, your sweetheart has just had----\n\nALPH. (_Excitedly._) Kittens? No, it cannot be!\n\nAUG. Don't be a fool! She's just had a fit. Come and assist her!\n\nALPH. I'll be a husband to her; and I'll see if I can't _a sis_ter.\n\nAUG. Come at once.\n\n[_Rushes off into pavilion._\n\nALPH. I must get that ring off first. (_Business.--He tries to get\nring off--can't._) I can't get it off--it's stuck! What am I to do?\n(_Scream inside._) There's Jane broke another button off her boots!\n\nAUGUSTUS. (_Calling from inside._) Latherum, are you coming?\n\nALPH. I can't get it off! (_Very excited._) It won't come off!\n\n(_Business--trying to get ring off._)\n\nAUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) Are you coming? Her head's on fire!\n\nALPH. Fetch a fire-escape! Try a cabbage-leaf! What am I to do?\n\nAUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) She's gone into hysterics.\n\nALPH. (_To figure, in desperation._) There you are, do you hear that?\nShe's gone into rheumatics. Will you give that ring up?\n\nVENUS. (_Moving for the first time._) No!\n\nALPH. (_Terrified._) Great Scott, I could have sworn I heard it speak!\nAm I bewitched? Am I dreaming? My head reels--I feel like a balloon\nwith the gas going out!\n\n(_Falls nearly under a seat._)\n\nVENUS. (_Pointing to Alphonzo._) Dream on! That ring gives me life!\nAwakened out of my long, long trance, this ring has made thee mine! I\nfeel the love within me now I did for Adonis. I will follow thee\nthrough the world. This ring has given me life, awakened me from my\ntrance. Venus is not dead or ne'er can die! Love rules the world. I\nwill rule--(_to Alphonzo_)--aye, rule thy future destiny! Dream\non--dream on!\n\n(_Front cloth falls in._)\n\n(_Music, forte.--Close in \"Clouds\" flats.--First grove.--This scene is\nonly to give time for a double made up like Alphonzo, to take his\nplace. The rest of this absurdity is supposed to be a\nnightmare.--Gong.--Scene Opens._)\n\n\nSCENE III.--_Same as Scene I.--Lights still down, no limelight.\nAlphonzo (double) laying on ground in exactly the same position._\n\n_ALPHONZO (real one) standing by the figure trying to get the ring\noff._\n\nALPH. Curse the thing! I can't get it off nohow. (_Scream._) I must go\nand do something for her, or I shall lose all my chances of ever\ncalling her my wife. I'll cover this figure up first. (_Throws cloth\nover figure._) Now, I'll go in and see what can be done!\n\n[_Exit into refreshment-room._\n\n_Music.--Enter TWO ROBBERS, one with a sack. They enter very\ncautiously, L. U. E. HANDSAW just peeps on, R. 1 E._\n\nHAND. Hallo, two more! These are the two I saw get over the fence! Now\nto watch their little game!\n\n[_Withdraws._\n\nFIRST R. Now, Jim, just you place the sack over the statue's head, and\nthen I'll get it across my shoulders.\n\n_During this last dialogue, enter ALPHONZO, from pavilion._\n\nALPH. She's all right now! She was just waltzing round and she trod on\nher ear and fell over! Now, I'll get that ring. Hallo, what are those\ntwo fellows up to? If they discover that ring they may keep it!\n\nFIRST R. Now, I'll take the cover off!\n\nHANDSAW. (_Looking on, R. 1 E._) Now's my time!\n\nFIRST R. Off with it!\n\n(_They throw the covering from off Venus, and she has vanished. (Trick\nchair.) Chord._)\n\nALPH., SUPERS., and HAND. (_Speaking all at the same time._) It's\ngone!\n\n_Enter EVERYONE.--Crowd from pavilion._\n\nALL. What's the matter?\n\n_Enter VENUS, R. U. E. (Limelight.)_\n\nVENUS. (_To Alphonzo._) Gentle youth, you brought me to life by the\ntouch of the ring. I am thine.\n\nALPH. (_In astonishment._) Eh?\n\n(_Everyone aghast.--Picture._)\n\nEND OF ACT I.\n\n\n\nACT II.--THE DREAM.\n\nSCENE I.--_Latherem's Hairdresser's Shop--Scene divided into two\nparts--L. half Latherem's shop, with doors, R. and L.; window at back,\nwith curtain, shaving chairs, shampooing table, &c.; table, chairs,\n&c. Screen at back. Fireplace, L., kettle on hob. R. half supposed to\nbe street; barber's pole outside shop door. Lights gradually up during\nscene._\n\n_As the scene opens, ALPHONSO rushes in from L. U. E.--outside shop._\n\nALPH. At last I've got home! How did I get here? I have a confused\nidea of losing sight of Jane, losing sight of the ring--in fact, I've\na confused idea I've lost my senses. I wonder if I've lost my key! No,\nhere it is! (_Opens door._) Where's a light? Ah, here it is! (_On\ntable._) I'm sure I don't know whether I'm standing on my feet or my\nfeet. (_Lights candles. Stage lighter._) Before I do anything further,\nI'll just lock the door, to keep early customers out! I must bring my\nscattered thoughts too! (_Locks door._) I feel as though I want a\nlittle cheering up! I'll just light the fire. (_During the next lines\nof his speech, he busies himself lighting the fire, bringing out his\nbreakfast things from the cupboard, putting the kettle on to boil,\n&c._) I can't get over me being such a lunatickle as to put that ring\non that statue's finger! And then again it seemed to speak to me! But\nhow could it be? But, anyhow, I've lost that ring! Perhaps I could get\nanother one made like it! I'll see! (_By this time he has made the\ntea, and is sitting down by table getting his breakfast._) I wonder\nwhat time it is? It must be near six o'clock! I shall have to open\njust now. Ah, I feel a little better now! (_Goes on eating._) Perhaps\nit was the drink! Somehow or other I fancied I saw that statue come\noff her pedestal. I can't make it out at all.\n\n(_Business of eating.--Slow music.--Limelight._)\n\n_VENUS appears at back, R. U. E._\n\nVENUS. Alphonzo, I am here! (_Outside shop._)\n\nALPH. Eh, I thought I heard my name! P'raps some early customer for a\nshave! I'll just see. (_He unlocks door, and he looks out, sees Venus,\njumps in again very frightened; slams door, and locks it._) Great\nScott, can I believe my eyes? It's the statue alive?\n\nVENUS. 'Tis he! Alphonzo, I come!\n\nALPH. (_With his back against door._) Not if I know it! What should I\ndo with a live dead statue. (_As he is saying this Venus goes to back\nof shop, and reappears in shop by aid of the vampire. Alphonzo does\nnot see her for a moment._) I wonder if it's gone? I'll just take a\npeep through the window. (_He crosses over, not seeing Venus. He gets\nby fireplace, when he suddenly sees her. He is so startled he half\nfalls into fireplace, in doing so he grabs hold of the end of table\nand his trousers catch fire (trick), sits on chair and it goes\nout. Business._) Hair cut or shampoo? I must say something to show I'm\nnot frightened. It won't answer! Say something or I shall go off my\ndot!\n\nVENUS. You do not know me?\n\nALPH. No, mum; you've the advantage of me. Have you got a card?\n\nVENUS. I am Venus! I have many names in the outer world! It is I who\nrule the God of Love, I sway the hearts of all true lovers; in your\nworld I have caused you poor mortals to burn for me--aye, and with an\nunconsuming, unquenchable fire!\n\nALPH. Lor', you're a bit of a hot 'un!\n\nVENUS. Hot 'un! You speak in enigmas? You are fully aware why I come\nhither?\n\nALPH. I don't. You are the statue out of them gardens, ain't you?\n\nVENUS. I am no statue--I am Venus, I tell you! I have lain in a long,\nlong trance, how long I know not, in my own palace in the Isle of\nCyprus. How long I should have lain in that trance I know not had it\nnot been for thou, most lovely mortal!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) She knows me.\n\nVENUS. Yes; it was the touch of your kind mortal hand that has given\nme power to animate this marble shell!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) She says she's a shell. I wonder what kind of\nshell--p'raps a whelk shell!\n\nVENUS. 'Twas you who placed the magic ring on my fingers, do I speak\ntruly?\n\nALPH. (_Delighted._) Quite right, mum! (_Aside._) I wish I knew her\nproper name. (_Aloud._) I'm sure it's very kind of you to take all the\ntrouble of walking here from those gardens to give it me. You shall go\nback in a hansom.\n\nVENUS. And you think it was just to give you back this paltry ring I\ncame? Think you it was for only this have I visited the face of the\nearth, and followed you to your palace? You are too modest! What is\nthy name?\n\nALPH. Latherum--Alphonzo Latherum, hairdresser--hair cutting three\npence, shaving a penny!\n\nVENUS. Alphonzo, happiness is yours! You have awakened me from my\ntrance. Cast away all thy fears. You put the ring on my finger. I\naccept your offering--I am thine, and you, my hero, are mine!\n\nALPH. You're making a big mistake. I did not mean anything when I put\nthat ring on your finger. The fact is I was a little boozed.\n\nVENUS. Boozed! Is he a god?\n\nALPH. Not quite; though sometimes it is a spirit.\n\nVENUS. Come, Alphonzo--come, join me in my aerial flight to the\nregions far beyond these lowly worlds!\n\nALPH. You'll excuse--I can't, I've made other arrangements. I am\nalready engaged! I've got a girl!\n\nVENUS. I remember a bright-eyed mortal in the gardens. Is she your\nlove?\n\nALPH. Yes.\n\nVENUS. She must die! I myself will crush her!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I must drop Jane a postcard. (_Aloud._) What do you\nwant to crush her for?\n\nVENUS. Because she is in my path! And shall any mortal maid stand\nbetween you and I?\n\nALPH. But we are to be married shortly.\n\nVENUS. Do as you will, I will ever be between you.\n\nALPH. Eh, that's a bit thick for me! (_Aside._) I must kick her a bit.\n(_Aloud._) You see, there are a few little things you ain't aware of.\nThere is a great difference between you and I--ain't the same--and I'm\na respectable hairdresser; and what would people say if they saw me\ntalking to a goddess with only her nightdress on?\n\nVENUS. You speak empty words. I know not what you mean. But this\nlittle I can glean from your worldly talk, you wish to evade me. But\nno, it shall never be. Let this suffice you, that I am here to fulfil\nthe troth you have plighted.\n\nALPH. I don't think so! I really must decline your generous offer with\nthanks.\n\nVENUS. Have a care. Being so young and handsome as thou art I pity\nthee! Do nothing rash--pause ere you rouse the fearful ire of Venus!\n\nALPH. If it's all the same to you I'd rather not.\n\nVENUS. I leave you, then. Use the time I give you well in thinking of\nmy words, till I come again.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I'll move to-morrow!\n\nVENUS. For the present, farewell!\n\nALPH. (_Pleased._) Oh, she's going at last! (_Aloud._) Shall I call a\nfour wheeler?\n\n(_Opens door._)\n\nVENUS. Fool, I am not going to leave thy palace, I am going to take an\naerial flight! I shall leave my statue with you here, while my inmost\nsoul soars on high in Cyprus.\n\nALPH. (_Excited._) Oh, what shall I do? I sha'n't be able to move her.\nLook here, Mrs. Venus, I----\n\nVENUS. (_Backing up stage to window._) No more words! Farewell for the\npresent!\n\n(_Gong, and flash of lightning. Venus is again transfixed in same\nposition as Scene I._)\n\nALPH. She's gone, and left her statue here behind her, and in exactly\nthe same way as she was in those cursed gardens! Ah, a good thought! I\nmight be able to get that ring. It can't hurt it if I broke its finger\noff with the poker--it's only stone! I'll try. (_He picks up poker,\nand just as he lifts it to strike Venus, flash of lightning and\ngong.--Business.--He drops poker._) It's a frost! But I won't give in\ntill I do get it! If I could only get that ring off it would be all\nright. Well, I'll just cover it over for the present. (_Puts\nhaircutting cloth over it._) No, a better idea. I'll put it behind\nthis screen. (_He manages to carry Venus into cupboard and puts table\nbefore door._) There, she can't get out of there in a hurry!\n\n_Enter HANDSAW, R. U. E._\n\nHAND. This is the place. I think this fellow might give me some clue\nas to the whereabouts of the missing statue. (_Enters shop and\nshouting._) Shop!\n\nALPH. (_Frightened._) I'm not guilty.\n\nHAND. Ah, did I frighten you? (_Aside._) Ah, that looks suspicious!\nI'll get a clue here.\n\nALPH. Hair cut or shave?\n\nHAND. Neither. You are Latherum, the barber, arn't you? I want to talk\nto you.\n\nALPH. Suppose we take a walk.\n\nHAND. No; I'll say what I've got to here. I always deal\nstraightforward.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I wonder who he is?\n\nHAND. (_Hearing him._) I am Inspector Handsaw, of Scotland Yard; and I\nam not a man to be kept in the dark.\n\nALPH. Let me light a candle.\n\nHAND. You lost a ring in the gardens?\n\nALPH. How did you know?\n\nHAND. I was there. And, look here, if you'll help me, it will be a\nfine thing for you. I'll let you have a share of the reward.\n\nALPH. What reward?\n\nHAND. Ah, you're a smart fellow; you don't mean to give yourself away!\nWhen they first told me what you were, I didn't expect to find you\nwhat you are. But now I see you are what you are, I'm not at all\nsurprised to know you are what you are.\n\nALPH. No, of course not; I fully agree with you. But, for Heaven's\nsake, what are you talking about?\n\nHAND. Why, about the stolen statue from the gardens.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I'm a corpse!\n\nHAND. What I mean is this: I saw you by the figure just before it was\nstolen; and you had your eye on the two thieves at the same time I had\nmy eye on 'em. Can't you give a guess where that figure is now?\n\nALPH. Not at all--not at all!\n\nHAND. I have an idea it's very near at hand.\n\n(_Goes toward screen._)\n\nALPH. (_Pulling him away._) Come away, the cupboard's been varnished.\n\nHAND. The only thing I wish I could only put my hand on the thieves as\neasily as I put my hand on you.\n\n(_Business.--Puts his hand on Alphonzo._)\n\n_Enter an OLD MAN, R. U. E. (super.). He enters shop._\n\nMAN. A shave, please.\n\n(_Sits in chair. Alphonzo don't know what he's doing, goes to shave\nold man with fender, &c., and any silly business, ad lib._)\n\nHAND. Well, I'll see you again.\n\nALPH. Not if I see you first.\n\nHAND. (_Whispering._) Help me to get a clue as to where the figure is,\nand I'll share the reward with you--that's fair enough. (_Going\ntowards door._) You understand?\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) Yes; I wish I didn't.\n\n(_Old Man rises, after being shaved. As he rises, a long knocking is\nheard at screen.--Lightning and gong._)\n\nMAN. Mercy, what was that?\n\nALPH. I think we shall have rain. (_Aside, in great excitement._)\nShe's waking up! What am I to do?\n\nVENUS. (_Inside._) Alphonzo, release me!\n\nALPH. (_Terrified, but still putting a bold face on the matter._) Good\nmorning, sir; hope you had a nice shave. (_Pushes him headlong out of\nshop.--Business._) Beg pardon, you nearly slipped! (_Handsaw goes to\nassist Old Man to rise, and Alphonzo bangs the door to and locks._)\nAnother two minutes like that and I'll get the fever. I wonder if\nthey're gone? (_He looks through keyhole._) Yes, they're going.\n\n[_Old Man and Handsaw exit, R. U. E._\n\nI breathe again!\n\n_As he says this VENUS appears from behind screen._\n\nIt's no use. I can't get her out of the way.\n\nVENUS. How could you dare to imprison me in that narrow tomb? I\nthought I was buried beneath the soil. And had it been so I would have\ncaused this city to be in one vast ruin--an earthquake.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I won't hurry her! Look here, if you're as fond of me\nas you say you are, you'd go back to your place in the gardens, where\nyou've been stolen from. The police are looking everywhere for you.\n\nVENUS. He is good, this police. If I see him I'll reward him.\n\nALPH. There's a good many \"hims\" in the police, and I tell you what it\nis, if you don't give up that ring I'll have you locked up, by George\nI will!\n\nVENUS. I know no George, nor will it profit you to call on him. I will\ngo forth into the world and see the people of this city--and you must\ntake me!\n\nALPH. Not much.\n\nVENUS. I will follow you everywhere, and should anyone ask who and\nwhat I am, you must say I am now betrothed to Venus. Then among the\nmortals you will be blameless.\n\nALPH. Blameless? What would Jane say?\n\nVENUS. Ah, you have revealed your love's name! I have but to ask in\nyour streets, where does Jane, the lover of Alphonzo, live, lead me\nthere; and, having arrived at her dwelling, she shall die!\n\nALPH. But, look here, there's thousands of Janes in London.\n\nVENUS. That being the case I shall kill them all!\n\nALPH. Why?\n\nVENUS. Because, dissipated youth, you love them all!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) If she could only see me shaving people, p'raps she'd\nbecome disgusted, and leave me! I'll try it! (_Aloud._) If you only\nsaw me at my trade, a barbering, you'd see what a mistake you were\nmaking.\n\nVENUS. I will see you at your toil. Barb at once.\n\nALPH. Wait till I get a customer. I do my business in this shop.\n\nVENUS. Then, I will wait and watch you.\n\nALPH. Do you want to ruin my trade?\n\nVENUS. I will make no sign or movement; but I will see you at your\ndaily toil. I have said it! Obey me!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) All right! I'll put her in a corner. No one would\nthink but she is one of my fixtures.\n\nVENUS. Place me where I may behold thee at thy toil.\n\nALPH. All right! Get up in this corner, and I'll just pop this\nhaircutting cloth over you. (_He does so._) If she can once get it\ninto her marble head I'm a barber and keep a shop, I think she will\nturn up her nose at me, and then she'll give me back that ring.\n\n_Enter AUGUSTUS, R. U. E. Enters shop._\n\nAUG. Good morning, old fellow! I feel a little chippie this morning.\n(_Sits in chair._) I wish I didn't drink so much, don't you know! Last\nnight I had a fearful time after going to the Alhambra. (_Alphonzo\nbegins lathering him._) They've got a beautiful ballet there now.\nThere's a charming little girl there, who plays one of Venus's doves.\nI was mashed on her in a minute, and I pride myself I mashed her\ntoo--she's dead gone!\n\nVENUS. Traitor!\n\n(_Business.--Alphonzo so frightened, he pushes brush in Augustus's\nmouth. Augustus is also very frightened._)\n\nAUG. I could swear I saw that statue move! Look it's shaking its fists\nat me!\n\nVENUS. (_Shaking her fists at Augustus._) Villain!\n\n(_Alphonzo much alarmed._)\n\nAUG. There it is again! Oh, I've got 'em bad again!\n\nALPH. Yes; you've got the jim-jams. What, sir--I've cut your chin off?\nNever mind, sir, don't charge any extra.\n\nAUG. Your kindness only exceeds your beauty! You've done it on\npurpose, because I cut you out with Jane.\n\nVENUS. (_To herself, loud enough for Alphonzo to hear._) Ah, he knows\nwhere she dwells! I will at once ask him!\n\nALPH. Oh, she'll ruin me! Good morning, sir! Here's your hat, sir.\n(_Business.--In his hurry to get Augustus out he gives him a basin for\nhis hat; he puts it on; flour falls over him.--Business._)\n\nAUG. What the devil----\n\nALPH. Yes; I think we shall have snow! Good morning, sir.\n\n(_Business.--Bowing him to door, and pushes him outside shop._)\n\nAUG. Awfully rude, don't you know!\n\n[_Goes off, R. U. E._\n\nALPH. She's ruining my trade! Ah, I see it all! She's got wild--she's\ndisgusted at my shaving people! Hooray!\n\nVENUS. Where is that wretched mortal who dared to slay my dove? Bring\nhim forth! Where is he who dares to slay the only thing on earth I\nlove since all are taken from me? Ah, where is Vulcan?\n\nALPH. I don't know! Have you tried the pub opposite!\n\nVENUS. Your words are empty. Where are my children--Cupid, \u00c6neas?\nWhere is Mars?\n\nALPH. I'll have a look in the time table. I fancy it's by Greenwich.\n\nVENUS. Ah, where is the Cyprian youth Adonis, who was so famed for his\nbeauty? Where is he? Speak! Where is he?\n\nALPH. (_Annoyed._) How the devil do I know?\n\nVENUS. Ah, I remember! the beautiful youth, alas--alas!\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) The beautiful youth, alas! She's off her nut!\n\nVENUS. Was he not gored to death by a wild boar?\n\nALPH. How do I know? He might have been run over by a steam-roller for\nall I know!\n\nVENUS. Knew you my husband?\n\nALPH. No, I wish I did; I'd send him a wire.\n\nVENUS. I am the wife of Vulcan, who was the son of Jupiter and Juno.\n\nALPH. How Juno?\n\nVENUS. He was a god of fire, and presided over the workers of metal.\nHis workshop was under Mount Etna, where, assisted by the Cyclops, he\nforged thunderbolts for Jove.\n\nALPH. (_Admiringly._) Quite a little _Weekly Budget_, ain't she!\n\nVENUS. Now I have told you who I am. I must have slept now some\nthousands and thousands of years.\n\nALPH. Had a tidy doss then?\n\nVENUS. But thou hast awakened me, and I am thine for ever.\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) I'll take the first train for America to-morrow.\n\nVENUS. But, where is that fearful youth who slew my doves? Bring him\nforth!\n\nALPH. I can't bring him fourth or fifth. He was not talking about a\ndove; he was talking about a ballet girl. And now, missus, to come to\nthe point, now you've seen me doing my daily business you've thought\nbetter of it, ain't you?\n\nVENUS. Better; aye, far better! They sit at your bidding, and you make\nthem sit in silence while you bend over their faces with yonder sharp\nlittle instrument, and you threaten their bare throats! You are indeed\na king of mortals, and I love you even more! I would do anything for\nthee!\n\nALPH. Well, first of all give me the ring.\n\nVENUS. The sole symbol of my power--the charm that has called me from\nmy long sleep? Never.\n\nALPH. Well, I shall place the matter in the hands of a lawyer.\n(_Aside._) If I could only get her to stay here a bit, I'd go and find\nthat inspector fellow and tell him all about it. (_Aloud._) Just stay\nhere a minute. I'll go and get you two pen'oth of eels. You must feel\nhungry. (_He suddenly gets out by door, and when he is outside, he\nlocks it._) Now, my lady, you're safe for a little bit. I'll just see\nif I can find that inspector.\n\n_Just as he is going, enter JANE, R. U. E._\n\nOh, it's all over!\n\nJANE. You don't seem pleased to see me?\n\nALPH. Oh, yes, I am, dear! I never felt so pleased in all my life!\n\nJANE. Well, you're a nice one! Why don't you ask me in?\n\nALPH. The fact is, I've got the brokers in.\n\nJANE. It's false! I can see it in your face. You are deceiving me!\nYou've got someone in there you don't want me to see! But I will go\nin.\n\nALPH. No, don't--you'll be crushed.\n\nJANE. Alphonzo, much as I love you, I will leave you for ever unless\nyou let me see who is in your shop!\n\nVENUS. (_Who is trying to get out by door._) Alphonzo, release me at\nonce!\n\nALPH. Oh!\n\nJANE. Oh, you deceitful wretch, a woman's voice! I knew it! I'll take\npoison!\n\nALPH. And rob the poor beetles?\n\n(_Venus, seeing she can't get out by door, quietly walks through\nvampire at back, and faces Alphonzo and Jane._)\n\nVENUS. Ah, then this is your love?\n\nJANE. (_Screaming._) Oh, a ghost!\n\n(_Falls on her knees._)\n\nVENUS. Away, maiden--he loves you not; he is mine--lest I crush thee!\n\nALPH. (_To Jane._) Here, get inside! (_Opens door, and Jane runs in\nshop and gets behind screen._) Now, look here, missus, I won't have\nany more of this. Hallo, give me that razor!\n\nVENUS. Never! With this I will sweep my rival from my path! (_Suddenly\nenters shop._) Where is she, I say? Ah, look! I've cut my hand! I\nbleed!\n\nALPH. Ah, you've cut the finger with my ring on! (_Tries to get it\noff._) Let me hold it!\n\nVENUS. Never! You would seek flight! I will keep this! Oh, the loss of\nthis blood is freezing me! I am going, Alphonzo! Ah!\n\n(_Gong.--Lightning. She is again transfixed._)\n\nALPH. There, right in the middle of my shop again! Oh, if I could only\nget that ring! But I'm forgetting all about poor Jane! I'll go and\ntell her all about it! (_Goes through door in shop, L._) Now, don't\ngive way like that, Jane! It will all come right in the end, and I----\nHallo! What are they doing? Keep still, dear! Come behind this screen.\nHere's those same men coming into my shop I saw at the gardens. They\nwere after this self-same figure. Oh, if they'd only pinch it--if\nthey'd only sneak it!\n\n_Enter the TWO ROBBERS in street, R., looking very cautiously\nabout.--Music till end of scene._\n\nALPH. (_Looking over screen._) Ah, here they come! I'll not disturb\n'em.\n\nFIRST R. All's safe! The shaver's out, and we've got it all to\nourselves.\n\nSECOND R. Who'd have thought the barber bloke would have had the nous\nabout him to cop hold of this statue?\n\nFIRST R. Won't he look sick when he discovers it gone?\n\nALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, won't I?\n\n_Enter HANDSAW in street, R. Looks in through crack in door._\n\nFIRST R. It's a good job he left the door open! Who'd have thought he\nwas smart enough to cop hold of that statue! Here it is, Jim! Now for\nit!\n\nHAND. Like a sleuth hound I've tracked 'em, and this barber after all\nis one of 'em. He'll be transported!\n\nJANE and ALPH. (_Overhearing._) Oh?\n\nFIRST R. Hallo! Here's marks of blood on her hands, and here's a ring.\nIt's loose! I'll pull it off! There it is, Jim! We'll pawn it!\n\nALPH. It's off! Hooray!\n\n(_Business.--First Robber holding up long cloak to cover Venus. When\nhe holds up cloak, it entirely hides her from view. Music, forte._)\n\nHAND. Now's my time! (_Enters.--Aside._) Now I've got you!\n\nFIRST R. Now we've got you!\n\n(_Lightning.--Gong.--Cloak falls, Venus has disappeared--she goes\nthrough vampire at back. Alphonzo falls over screen. Robbers and\nHandsaw look on in wonder. Jane fainting. Tableau. Close in. Flats in\nfirst grove._)\n\n\nSCENE II.--_Front Scene.--Clouds._\n\n_Enter HANDSAW, R._\n\nHAND. Well, I can hardly believe my senses! There was the statue\nbefore my very eyes; there were the thieves in the very act of\nstealing the antique marble before my eyes; there was everything\nbefore my eyes, and, blow me, if it didn't disappear before my eyes.\nIt's the most mysterious affair I ever came across. I--who have been\nin the Criminal Investigation Department for over thirty years, and\nreckoned the finest man for having innocent men and women hanged and\ntransported--done. I've been had by some illusion? What shall I do?\nShall I resign my position in the force, and go back to tripe\ndressing? No--no! I'll have a case ere to-morrow or my name is not\nHandsaw. Ah, what is that I see? A little boy eating bread and\ndripping in the open street, before the gaze of the passers-by? Oh,\nthis _must_ be seen into! I should lose _all_ respect for myself as a\nmember of the force if I didn't lock some poor little innocent little\nchild up for doing nothing. It's a way we've got in the force. Now,\nthen, my bold and massive wretch of three years old, I'm down on you\nlike two ton of bricks!\n\n[_Exit._\n\n_Enter TWO ROBBERS, R._\n\nFIRST R. What do you think of it, Bill--it vanished?\n\nSECOND R. Wonderful! Never see anything like it since our tom cat had\nchickens.\n\nFIRST R. Go on, your tom cat have chickens! What do you take me for?\nYour tom cat have chickens!\n\nSECOND R. I'll bet you I'm right. Our tom cat had chickens!\n\nFIRST R. When?\n\nSECOND R. Why, one night out in the yard! The fowl-house was left\nopen, our tom cat rushed in and sneaked a couple of chickens--so\ndidn't he have chickens?\n\nFIRST R. Go on, you fathead. I could have told you that.\n\nSECOND R. Well, why didn't you? Here, I sha'n't go in for sneaking\nstatues again. I believe they are all pretty well alive. Didn't you\never hear of _Peg million and Gill o' beer?_--him as makes a figure,\nand it comes to life? Do you know, I think I was made for something\nbetter than hard work?\n\nFIRST R. You work? Why, you never robbed an honest man of a hard day's\nwork in your blooming natural! Look here, I'm going to chuck\nstatues--I'm going in for di'mons!\n\nSECOND R. Well, I'll trump it.\n\nFIRST R. No; you don't understand me. Suppose now I were to go into a\ndi'mond merchant's and asked him to show me some of his most valuable\ndi'monds, what would be the first thing he would show me?\n\nSECOND R. The door.\n\nFIRST R. No; you don't understand me.\n\nSECOND R. But the bloke would.\n\nFIRST R. Look here! I'll put it in another way. Suppose I was to go\ninto the Bank of England for five thousand quid, what would I come out\nwith?\n\nSECOND R. A copper.\n\nFIRST R. Oh, you don't catch my meaning!\n\nSECOND R. No; and you don't catch their money!\n\nFIRST R. Bah, you're next to a fool!\n\nSECOND R. Yes, I'm not far off you!\n\nFIRST R. Come on, let's see if we can do anything to make up for the\nblooming mess we've made over this statue business--what shall we say\nto the bloke that paid us to sneak this marble Venus?\n\nSECOND R. Why, give him a bit of bogie--tell him we got the statue in\na shed, get the money off him, tell him we'll go and fetch the figure,\nand--do a guy.\n\nFIRST R. Good on you! Your head's some good I see.\n\nSECOND R. Come along; we've got no time to lose.\n\n[_Exeunt._\n\n\nSCENE III.--_Same as Scene I, Act I.--Lights half down, lime on.\nALPHONZO on ground, in the same position as he fell in the former\nscene._\n\n_VENUS speaks, through music--\"Is this a dream?\"_\n\nVENUS. (_Speaking to Alphonzo._) Ah, yours has been a troubled sleep,\n     but now it's almost done!\nYour seeming worry here to-night I'm sure has caused much fun.\nOur humble aim has been to show to-night,\nThat happiness can only spring from right.\nYou young spark, though barbering your grade is,\nFancy you're Adonis when among the ladies.\nLet this dream be a lesson--although in jest--\nBe true to the one who loves you best.\nFarewell, young spark, awake from seeming pain,\nIf this dream's a lesson taught, you have not dreamt in vain!\nAwake--Awake--Awake!\n\n(_Gong.--Flash.--Limelight off._)\n\n_Enter JANE and AUGUSTUS from Pavilion._\n\nJANE. Oh, where is Alphonzo? Perhaps he's killed himself through my\ntreating him so unkindly.\n\nAUG. But, my dear young lady----\n\nJANE. Don't \"dear young lady me\"! It's all through you. (_Trying to\nfind Alphonzo._) I wonder where he is? I left him here. Ah, here he\nis! (_Sees him._) Ah, he is asleep. Wake up, Alphonzo! You'll catch a\ncold. Wake up.\n\n(_Shakes him._)\n\nALPH. (_Waking up._) A horse--a horse! A kingdom for a horse!\n\nAUG. (_Calling._) Four-wheeler!\n\nALPH. (_Seizing him._) Liar and slave, I've set my life upon the cast,\nand have sworn the hazard of the die! Six statues have I seen\nto-day--alive--alive--alive, oh!\n\n(_Throws Augustus down._)\n\nJANE. Whatever is the matter, Alphonzo? You must be dreaming!\n\nALPH. (_Recovering himself._) Eh! Dreaming? (_Looks at the figure;\nlooks for ring. Finds it on ground._) Dreaming?--that's it! I've\ndreamt it! Oh, I've had such a fearful dream--worse than the\njim-jams--but it's all right now! Here's the ring I bought, which I\nthought I'd lost. (_Puts it on Jane's finger._) Now, will I be your\nwife? I mean will you be my wife?\n\nJANE. (_Shyly._) I don't know.\n\nALPH. Have me a week on trial! No, I don't mean that. You know what I\nmean. Will you--eh, one, two, three?\n\n(_They embrace._)\n\nAUG. But what about me?\n\nALPH. Oh, you go to the devil!\n\nAUG. Awfully rude, old chappie!\n\nALPH. Well, let's get back to town.\n\nJANE. Well, wish your friends in front good night.\n\nALPH. Good-night, ladies; good-night, gentlemen. You have been and\nseen my dream--I know you have, 'cause I heard you laughing! I thought\nI was going to be imprisoned.\n\nJANE. So you are! Ain't you asked me to marry you?\n\nALPH. Oh, yes; then we're both going to do time--we are going to be\ntransported for life.\n\n(_Embrace.--Music, forte._)\n\nCURTAIN.\n\n\n\nALSO BY THE SAME AUTHOR,\n\n1,022. MULDOON'S PICNIC, A Transatlantic Comedy-Oddity, in Two Acts.\n\n1,023. PECK'S BAD BOY, A Transatlantic Comedy, in Three Acts.\n\n1,024. { ON THE BRAIN, A Nonsensical Piece of Absurdity, in One Act.\n       { THE WAITER, A Farcical Sketch, in One Act.\n\n*** The above are now included in DICKS' LIST OF \"FREE-ACTING\"\nSTANDARD PLAYS, which contains upwards of ONE THOUSAND already\npublished.\n\nPrice One Penny. Send for List.\n\n\n\nTranscriber's Note\n\nA copy of the images used in this transcription has been posted at:\n\n     archive.org/details/PleonVisionOfVenus\n\nIn general, inconsistencies in spelling and grammar in the source text\nhave not been changed. For example, Alphonzo's last name is spelled\nboth \"Latherem\" and  \"Latherum\". No attempt has been made to make the\nspelling consistent. On p. 7, a stage direction reads:\n\n     Alphonzo don't know what he's doing, goes to shave old man with\n     fender, &c., and any silly business, ad lib.\n\nThe grammar has been retained. Emendations were made to correct for\nminor printing problems in the copy used in this transcription. For\nexample, on p. 4, the text reads:\n\n     Jane. (_Cryi g_.) I ain't--I don't want to cajole you!\n\n\"_Cryi g_\" was changed to \"_Crying_\". In cases such as this, the\nobvious reading was given the benefit of the doubt without comment.\n\nThe following changes were made to the text:\n\n- p. 2: TABLEA--Changed to \"TABLEAU\"\n\n- p. 5: AUGUSTUS. (_Calling from inside_) Latherum, are you\ncoming?--Inserted a period after \"inside\" for consistency.\n\n- p. 5: AUGUSTUS (_Inside._) She's gone into hysterics.--Inserted a\nperiod after \"AUGUSTUS\" for consistency.\n\n- p. 6: window at back, with curtain, shaving chairs, shampooing\ntable, &c.; table, chairs, &c., Screen at back.--Deleted the comma\nafter \"chairs, &c.\"\n\n- p. 7: ALPH. (_Frightened_). I'm not guilty.--Put period after\n\"(_Frightened_)\" inside parenthesis for consistency.\n\n- p. 7: I'll say what I've got to here. always deal\nstraightforward.--Inserted the word \"I\" before \"always\".\n\nThe title page states that the play was \"partly suggested\" by\nF. Anstey's _Tinted Venus_, which is available through Project\nGutenberg at:\n\n     www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/24197","title":"A Vision of Venus; Or, A Midsummer-Night's Nightmare","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":8325}