{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_60216/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_60216","id":"gutenberg_60216","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60216","summary":null,"tags":["Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","Irish wit and humor"],"text":"WEHMAN BROS.\u2019\n\n                               IRISH YARNS\n\n                              WIT AND HUMOR\n\n                                  No. 2\n\n                             [Illustration]\n\n                              PUBLISHED BY\n                              WEHMAN BROS.\n                                NEW YORK\n\n\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 BOOK ON\n\nHOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen\n\nPRICE 15 CENTS.\n\n\n[Illustration]\n\nThis new and revised edition has been compiled to the present time,\nand contains valuable information for a foreigner to know before\nbecoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This practical volume\nembraces the following, viz:\u2014Declaration of Independence\u2014Articles\nof Confederation\u2014Constitution of the United States\u2014Time required to\nprocure residence in the United States, and the States of the United\nStates\u2014Declaration of Allegiance\u2014Proof of Residence\u2014Admission of\nAliens\u2014Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, District\nand State Supreme Courts\u2014Costs of Fees, etc. It is well-printed, on a\ngood quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, and will be sent by\nmail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of =15 Cents=.\n\n\u261e Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER.\n\n\u261e FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.\n\nAddress all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.\n\n\n\n\nIRISH YARNS\n\nNo. 2\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nON JUDGMENT DAY.\n\nA certain priest and a parishioner were visiting one night and judgment\nday was mentioned.\n\n\u201cWhat d\u2019ye mean, \u2018judgment\u2019 day?\u201d the man inquired.\n\n\u201cJudgment day,\u201d replied the priest, \u201cis the day when all who have\ndied are brought up for judgment, when their sins are judged and the\nverdict\u2014judgment\u2014is pronounced.\u201d\n\n\u201cAha,\u201d exclaimed the man. \u201cAnd will the A. P. A.\u2019s be there?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, the A. P. A.\u2019s will be there.\u201d\n\n\u201cWill the Ancient Order of Hibernians be there?\u201d\n\n\u201cThey certainly will! Why?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, I\u2019m thinking there\u2019ll be mighty little \u2018judging\u2019 done the first\nfew hours, thin!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat\u2014\u201cThat McGinty is a fine fellow.\u201d\n\nMick\u2014\u201cIs he?\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cHe is, indeed. Great friend of mine. Did you notice how heartily he\nshook hands with me?\u201d\n\nMick\u2014\u201cI did.\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cGreat friend of mine. He wasn\u2019t satisfied with shaking one hand, but\nhe grabbed hold of both.\u201d\n\nMick\u2014\u201cI suppose he thought his watch and chain would be safer that way.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nEASY FOR PADDY.\n\nAt a political meeting an Irishman watched closely the trombone player\nin the band. Presently the man laid down his instrument and went out for\na beer. Paddy investigated, and promptly pulled the horn to pieces. The\nplayer returned. \u201cWho\u2019s meddled mit my drombone?\u201d he roared. \u201cOi did,\u201d\nsaid Paddy. \u201cHere ye\u2019ve been for two hours tryin\u2019 to pull it apart, an\u2019\nOi did it in wan minute!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMike\u2014\u201cWhat a red nose that Sweeney has.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhist, man; he spint a barrel of money to get it to the pink of\nperfection.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIt was in the wilds of Tipperary, and the local and long-suffering\nlandlord had been ill-advised enough to ask for a bit of rent on\naccount\u2014the same being some few years overdue. Roused to fury at this\nunlooked-for and, in their eyes, outrageous demand, Mike and Pat decided\nto \u201cwait for\u201d the base and greedy tyrant. And they did\u2014behind a hedge\nwith a shot-gun. An hour passed. Their feet and their fingers were numbed\nwith the cold, and, worse than that, the dhrop or half-bottle of the\ncrathur was gone.\n\nSaid Pat to Mike, in a hoarse whisper: \u201cShure, an\u2019 I hope nothing can\nhave happened to the onfortunate gintleman!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNot long ago a young Irishman was seeking work in western Illinois, and\namong those to whom he applied was a farmer near Cairo.\n\nThe farmer was attracted by the Celt\u2019s frank, cheery manner, and, while\nhe was not in need of help, he asked, after a pause:\n\n\u201cCan you cradle?\u201d\n\n\u201cCradle!\u201d repeated the Irishman. \u201cSure, I can! But, sir,\u201d he added\npersuasively, \u201ccouldn\u2019t ye give me a job out of dures?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. Murphy\u2014\u201cOi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off.\u201d\n\nMrs. Casey\u2014\u201cShure, he\u2019s good for a year yit.\u201d\n\nMrs. Murphy\u2014\u201cAs long as that?\u201d\n\nMrs. Casey\u2014\u201cYes; he\u2019s had four different doctors, and each one uv thim\ngave him three months to live.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA Dundee shopkeeper asked an Irishman who was standing at a street corner\nif he wanted a job.\n\n\u201cYes, sor,\u201d replied the Irishman.\n\n\u201cWell, now, what would you take to clear the snow away from my premises?\u201d\n\n\u201cA shovel, sor!\u201d was the sharp reply of the Irishman.\n\nHe got the job.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA SAVING, ANYWAY.\n\nO\u2019Brien\u2014\u201cSo the landlord lowered the rint for yez. He\u2019ll save money at\nthat.\u201d\n\nCasey\u2014\u201cHow so?\u201d\n\nO\u2019Brien\u2014\u201cShure, it\u2019s less he\u2019ll be losin\u2019 when ye don\u2019t pay it.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMAKING GOOD USE OF HIM.\n\nAn Italian organ-grinder possessed a monkey which he \u201cworked\u201d through\nthe summer months. When the cool days came his business fell off, and\nhe discontinued his walks and melodies. An Irishman of his acquaintance\noffered him half a dollar a week for the privilege of keeping and feeding\nthe little beast. The bargain was made for a month.\n\nGreat curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, and at last he went\nostensibly to see his pet, but really to find out what possible use Pat\ncould make of the monkey.\n\nThe Irishman was frank. \u201cIt\u2019s loike this,\u201d he said. \u201cOi put up a pole in\nthe back yard, with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve trains of cars\nloaded with coal go by here every evenin\u2019. There\u2019s men on every car.\nEvery man takes a heave at the monk. Divil a wan has hit him, but Oi have\nsivin tons of coal.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPRETTY LOUD.\n\nAn Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head.\n\n\u201cOi have them all the time,\u201d he said, \u201can\u2019 sometimes Oi can hear thim\nfifty feet away.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cPhwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? Oi can giv\u2019 yez a\nback room in the front av th\u2019 house, or a front room in th\u2019 back av\nth\u2019 house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; or Oi can giv\u2019 yez number\nsixty-six or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience\u2014No. 66 is th\u2019\nbroidle chamber, but we kape th\u2019 broidle out in th\u2019 shtable.\n\n\u201cOi can giv\u2019 yez another lovely room in th\u2019 middle av the front av th\u2019\nhotel, sor\u2014it\u2019s a lovely place; there do be carpet on th\u2019 floor; air\ncushion sofys an\u2019 bir-rds-eye maple chif\u2019niers an\u2019 runnin\u2019 hot an\u2019 cold\nwather passin\u2019 th\u2019 door, whoile th\u2019 bath-tubs are always supplied wid\ngold fish; th\u2019 room is loighted wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid\nelectricity, bur-rnin\u2019 noight an\u2019 day in th\u2019 shtreet, an\u2019 a tooth-brush\nin ivery room.\u201d\n\n\u201cSay, Mr. Clerk, there\u2019s a lady without!\u201d\n\n\u201cWidout phwat; widout phwat?\u201d\n\n\u201cWithout here, in the hall, sir.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat\u2019s all right; show her up in th\u2019 parlor; Oi\u2019ll be up in a minute.\u201d\n\n\u201cSay, Mr. Clerk, there\u2019s a man upstairs in room 78, says there\u2019s bedbugs\nin his bed!\u201d\n\n\u201cPhwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and ask him if he wants humming bir-ds\nin his bed fer a dollar a day?\u201d\n\n\u201cSay, Mr. Clerk, there\u2019s a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came\nthrough the skylight last night and wet him to the skin.\u201d\n\n\u201cWet him to th\u2019 skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th\u2019 bath. G\u2019wan out\nav here!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nCaller\u2014\u201cYour master\u2019s not at home, eh, Pat?\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cNo, sor; he do be in the ould country these t\u2019ree wakes, sor.\u201d\n\nCaller\u2014\u201cExcuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side\nof the water master\u2019s on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble\nbetween them?\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cNone at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune \u2019em that they can\nlive together better when they\u2019re apart.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe Prisoner\u2014\u201cThere goes my hat. Shall I run after it?\u201d\n\nOfficer Casey\u2014\u201cPhwat? Run away and never come back again? Not on your\nlife. You stand here and I\u2019ll run after your hat.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPRECAUTION.\n\nMrs. Casey\u2014\u201cMe sister writes me that every bottle in the box we sent her\nwas broken. Are you sure yez printed \u2018This side up with care\u2019 on it?\u201d\n\nCasey\u2014\u201cOi am. An\u2019 for fear they shouldn\u2019t see it on the top Oi printed it\non the bottom as well.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nDANGER!\n\nAn Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest\nin the other patients.\n\n\u201cWhat are you in here for?\u201d he asked one.\n\n\u201cI\u2019ve got tonsillitis, and I\u2019ve got to have my tonsils cut out,\u201d was the\nanswer.\n\n\u201cAnd you?\u201d he asked another.\n\n\u201cI\u2019ve got blood poisoning in my arm, and they are going to cut it off,\u201d\nwas the reply.\n\n\u201cHeavens!\u201d said Pat, in horror, \u201cThis ain\u2019t no place for me. I\u2019ve got a\ncold in my head.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cMike, did you ever catch frogs?\u201d \u201cYes, sor.\u201d \u201cWhat did you bait with?\u201d\n\u201cBate \u2019em with a shtick, sor.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPeople that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people\u2019s\ntoes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, \u201cWalk in,\u201d and who\nwas ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that\nwent into a pawnbroker\u2019s shop and demanded ten dollars because there was\na placard in the window that read,\u201cLook at this watch for ten dollars.\u201d\n\n\u201cI looked at it,\u201d said he, \u201cand now I want my ten dollars.\u201d\n\nThe most amusing incident we have heard is that of the countryman who,\nwhile sauntering along a city street, saw a sign, \u201cPlease ring the bell\nfor the janitor.\u201d\n\nAfter reflecting a few minutes he walked up and gave the bell such a pull\nthat it nearly came out by the roots.\n\nIn a few minutes an angry-faced man opened the door.\n\n\u201cAre you the janitor?\u201d asked the bell-puller.\n\n\u201cYes; what do you want?\u201d\n\n\u201cI saw that notice, so I rang the bell for you, and now I want to know\nwhy you can\u2019t ring the bell yourself?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the prospective buyer was\nsuspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he\nwas anxious to sell. \u201cYou see,\u201d said he, \u201cI bought the dog and thrained\nhim myself. I got him so he\u2019d bark all the time if a person stepped\ninside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then me woife\nwanted me to thrain him to carry bundles\u2014and I did. If you put anything\ninto his mouth, the spalpeen\u2019d keep it there till some one took it away.\nWell one night I woke up and heard some one in the next room. I got up\nand grabbed me gun. They were there, three of the blackguards and the\ndog.\u201d\n\n\u201cDidn\u2019t he bark,\u201d interrupted the other.\n\n\u201cSorra a bark,\u201d was the reply, \u201che was too busy.\u201d\n\n\u201cBusy,\u201d asked the other, \u201cwhat doing?\u201d\n\n\u201cCarrying the lantern for the burglars,\u201d answered the Irishman.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNO NEED TO TELL.\n\nCasey (rolling up his sleeves)\u2014\u201cDid you tell Reilly Oi was a liar?\u201d\n\nMurphy\u2014\u201cOi did not. Oi thought he knew it!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPaddy Dolan bought a watch from the local jeweller with a guaranty to\nkeep it in order for twelve months. About six months after, Paddy took it\nback because it had stopped.\n\n\u201cYou seem to have had an accident with it,\u201d said the jeweller.\n\n\u201cA small one, sure enough, sir. About two months ago I was feeding the\npig and it fell into the trough.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut you should have brought it before.\u201d\n\n\u201cSure, your honor, I brought it as soon as I could. We only killed the\npig yesterday.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nKathleen had been put out to service, and her mistress liked the rosy\nface of the young girl. One day Kathleen was sent on an errand to town.\nShe was longer than usual and her mistress stood on the porch as she came\nthrough the field. Kathleen was happy and her mistress observed:\n\n\u201cWhy, Kathleen, what a rosy face you have to-day! You look as if the dew\nhad kissed you.\u201d\n\nKathleen dropped her eyes and murmured:\n\n\u201cIndeed, ma\u2019am, but that wasn\u2019t his name!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Irishman, who couldn\u2019t read, went into a restaurant and sat down\nopposite a man who had a bill of fare in his hands, and concluded\nto order whatever the other man ordered in order not to betray his\ndisordered learning.\n\nStranger\u2014\u201cI will have a plate of soup.\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cGive me th\u2019 same.\u201d\n\nStranger\u2014\u201cAnd some oysters.\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cGive me th\u2019 same.\u201d\n\nThe stranger ordered what he wanted, and Pat duplicated the order.\nFinally, the stranger told the waiter to order him a bootblack.\n\n\u201cGive me the same,\u201d said Pat.\n\n\u201cWon\u2019t one do for both of you?\u201d\n\nPat answered\u2014\u201cNo, one won\u2019t; if he can\u2019t eat one, I can!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cWhy did you leave your last place?\u201d the housekeeper asked of the new\nwould-be cook.\n\n\u201cTo tell the truth, mum, I just couldn\u2019t stand the way the master an\u2019 the\nmissus used to quarrel, mum.\u201d\n\n\u201cDear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?\u201d\n\n\u201cYis, mum, all the time. When it wasn\u2019t me an\u2019 him, it was me and her.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA gentleman was put out of patience by some blunder of Paddy, his new\ngroom.\n\n\u201cLook here!\u201d he cried in his anger; \u201cI won\u2019t have things done in this\nway. Do you think I\u2019m a fool?\u201d\n\n\u201cI can\u2019t say, sir,\u201d answered Paddy; \u201cI only came here yesterday.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nONE OF THE SIGHTS.\n\nA man was visiting Ireland for the first time. In Dublin one warm\nafternoon he put his handkerchief over his nose and said, in a choked\nvoice, \u201cWhat the deuce is that?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat?\u201d said his Irish guide. \u201cWhy, that\u2019s the river Liffey. Didn\u2019t ye\nknow, man, that the smell o\u2019 the Liffey was one o\u2019 the sights o\u2019 Dublin?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA little Irishman was being examined for admission to the army. He seemed\nall right in every way except one. The doctor said: \u201cYou\u2019re a little\nstiff.\u201d\n\nQuickly his Irish blood mounted and he replied: \u201cYou\u2019re a big stiff.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNOT HIS NAME.\n\nIn Dublin a zealous policeman caught a cab driver in the act of driving\nrecklessly. The officer stopped him and said:\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s yer name?\u201d\n\n\u201cYou\u2019d better try to find out,\u201d said the driver peevishly.\n\n\u201cSure, and I will,\u201d said the policeman as he went around to the side of\nthe cab where the name ought to have been painted, but the letters had\nbeen rubbed off.\n\n\u201cAha!\u201d cried the officer. \u201cNow ye\u2019ll git yerself into worse disgrace than\never. Yer name seems to be oblitherated.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou\u2019re wrong!\u201d shouted the driver triumphantly. \u201c\u2019Tis O\u2019Sullivan.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNATURAL HISTORY.\n\nThey were looking at the kangaroo at the zoo when an Irishman said:\n\n\u201cBeg pardon, sor, phwat kind of a crature is that?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh,\u201d said the gentleman, \u201cthat is a native of Australia.\u201d\n\n\u201cGood hivins!\u201d exclaimed Pat; \u201can\u2019 me sister married wan e\u2019 thim.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they\nsaid he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial.\nHe seemed to be making good, until they gradually increased the size of\nhis load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound anvil under\neach arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke and the\nIrishman fell in. With a great splashing and sputtering he came to the\nsurface.\n\n\u201cT\u2019row me a rope!\u201d he shouted, and again sank. A second time he rose to\nthe surface. \u201cT\u2019row me a rope. I say!\u201d he shouted again. Once more he\nsank. A third time he rose struggling.\n\n\u201cSay!\u201d he spluttered angrily, \u201cif one uv you shpalpeens don\u2019t hurry up\nan\u2019 t\u2019row me a rope I\u2019m goin\u2019 to drop one uv these damn t\u2019ings!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTHE LAST OF THE CARRS.\n\nMrs. Nora Mulvaney met her old friend, Mrs. Bridget Carr, carrying in her\narms her twelfth child.\n\n\u201cArrah, now, Bridget,\u201d said Nora, \u201can\u2019 there ye are wid another little\nCarr in yer arms.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnother it is, Mrs. Mulvaney,\u201d replied her friend, \u201can\u2019 I\u2019m hopin\u2019 \u2019tis\nthe caboose.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMike sat busily engaged in copying the names of the male population of\nthe immediate vicinity. His good wife, noting the apparent industry of\nher lord, asked what he was doing.\n\n\u201cBegorra, an\u2019 it\u2019s wroitin\u2019 the names o\u2019 the min phwat Oi kin lick, so Oi\nam!\u201d he exclaimed.\n\nA few minutes later the woman put on her shawl and went to Pat O\u2019Leary\u2019s\nhumble home, where she informed Pat that she saw his name on the list.\n\nWithout waiting to don his coat, O\u2019Leary sallied forth in search of Mike,\nwho was found still engaged at the list.\n\n\u201cMoike,\u201d said Pat, in a tone that sounded like the thunders of heaven,\n\u201cthey say as how yez air makin\u2019 a lisht o\u2019 the felleys yez kin lick an\u2019\nthot me name\u2019s on it.\u201d\n\n\u201cAn\u2019 so \u2019tis,\u201d retorted Mike.\n\n\u201cBut, rist yer sowl,\u201d exclaimed Pat, shaking his fist close to Mike\u2019s\nproboscis, \u201cyez can\u2019t do it!\u201d\n\n\u201cThin I\u2019ll scratch yer name off,\u201d said Mike, feebly, and he continued\nadding to the list.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn old widdy woman went to the undertaker\u2019s to order a coffin for her\ndeceased husband.\n\n\u201cHe was very, very good to me,\u201d she said,\u201cand I\u2019ll have a coffin of the\nbest yellow pine.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, madam. That\u2019ll be $14,\u201d said the undertaker. \u201cAnd what kind of\ntrimmings will you have on the coffin?\u2019 \u2019\n\n\u201cTrimmin\u2019s!\u201d cried the widdy woman. \u201cAnd right well ye know, ye spalpeen,\nthat I\u2019ll have no trimmin\u2019s at all, when it was the trimmin\u2019s that the\npoor lad died of, bad luck to \u2019em!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMistress\u2014\u201cYou don\u2019t seem to know anything about finger-bowls, Norah. Did\nthey not have them at the last place where you worked?\u201d\n\nMaid\u2014\u201cNo, ma\u2019am. They usually washed themselves before they came to the\ntable.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMISUNDERSTOOD.\n\nSilas B. Quick (marooned in small Irish hotel)\u2014\u201cSay! What mails d\u2019yew get\nhere!\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cBreakfast, dinner and tay, yer honor.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nCasey\u2019s wife is anxious to be a society woman and the Ancient Order of\nthe Knights of the Golden Hod were going to give their annual riot\u2014I mean\nball\u2014and as Casey is the chief hod\u2014I mean knight\u2014of course he had to be\nthere and his wife wanted to shine\u2014of course Casey\u2019s a shine but\u2014said she\nto Casey: \u201cI\u2019m going to have a new dress for the ball. I\u2019m going to have\nthe bias cut and flounced with crepe de chene and with Charlotte rucheing\naround the neck\u2014and\u2014\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat are you going to have it made out of?\u201d said Mr. Casey.\n\n\u201cSo that it\u2019ll be light I\u2019ll have it made out of cheese-cloth,\u201d answered\nMrs. Casey.\n\n\u201cCheese-cloth?\u201d said Casey.\n\n\u201cYis,\u201d said Mrs. Casey\u2014\u201ccheese-cloth.\u201d\n\n\u201cBegorry! If you\u2019re going to have it made out of limburger-cheese cloth\nyou\u2019ll go alone,\u201d said Mr. Casey.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. Grogan\u2014\u201cWake oop, ye foghorn. Oi can\u2019t shlape a wink on account av\nyour shnorin\u2019.\u201d\n\nMr. Grogan\u2014\u201cYe must thry an\u2019 get used to it, the same as I hov. Oi niver\nnotice it meself at all, at all.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nDIDN\u2019T SOUND GOOD.\n\nSoftly the nurse smoothed the sufferer\u2019s pillow. He had been admitted\nonly that morning, and now he looked up pleadingly at the nurse that\nstood at his bedside.\n\n\u201cAn\u2019 phwat did ye say the docther\u2019s name was, nurse, dear,\u201d he asked.\n\n\u201cDr. Kilpatrick,\u201d was the reply. \u201cHe\u2019s the senior house surgeon.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat settles it,\u201d he muttered, firmly, \u201cthat docther won\u2019t get a chanst\nto operate on me.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy not?\u201d asked the nurse in surprise. \u201cHe\u2019s a very clever man.\u201d\n\n\u201cTha he may be,\u201d the patient said. \u201cBut me name happens to be Patrick.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPatrick worked for a notoriously stingy boss and lost no chance to let\nthe fact be known. Once a waggish friend, wishing to twit him, remarked:\n\n\u201cPat, I heard that your boss just gave you a brand-new suit of clothes.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo,\u201d said Pat, \u201conly par-rt of a suit.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat part?\u201d\n\n\u201cThe sleeves iv the vest!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nO\u2019Brien died, and at the wake his friends got filled up with good\nwhiskey. They finally took O\u2019Brien\u2019s body down to Kelly\u2019s saloon and sat\nit in a chair at a table and drank his health. After several rounds they\nleft the place, forgetting O\u2019Brien\u2019s body, which they left sitting at the\ntable where they had placed it. Kelly wanted to close up, so he walked\nover to O\u2019Brien and shook him, trying to wake him up. Failing in his\nefforts to arouse him, he became angry, and securing a club from behind\nthe bar, smashed O\u2019Brien over the head with it. O\u2019Brien fell to the\nfloor, and just at that moment his friends came back to get the corpse,\nhaving remembered him. They pretended to be horrified, and charged Kelly\nwith having killed O\u2019Brien with a club. \u201cYou\u2019ve murdered him in cold\nblood,\u201d said one of the gang. \u201cYou\u2019re a liar,\u201d said Kelly, \u201che pulled a\nrazor on me first.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nOLD FRIENDS.\n\n\u201cI tell you,\u201d said Pat, \u201cthe ould friends are the best, after all, and I\ncan prove it.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhere can you find a new friend that has stood by you as long as the\nould ones have?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Irishman went to England in search of work, and when shown his room in\nthe boarding-house the landlady remarked:\n\n\u201cThere\u2019s your bed, Pat, and there are two more to sleep with you, but\nthey won\u2019t be in till late, so don\u2019t be alarmed.\u201d\n\n\u201cThey\u2019re welcome,\u201d replied Pat. Before retiring Pat locked his bedroom\ndoor and during the night he was awakened by great knocking.\n\n\u201cWhose there?\u201d asked Pat.\n\n\u201cWe are the lodgers. Open.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo room for ye,\u201d replied Pat.\n\n\u201cHow many of you are in the room?\u201d they asked.\n\n\u201cEnough,\u201d said Pat. \u201cThere\u2019s meself, Paddy Murphy, a man that came over\nfrom Ireland, a man looking for work, a man with a wife and six children,\nan\u2019 a Tipperary man, too.\u201d By this time they had fled.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said the doctor to Pat, \u201cdid that cure for deafness really help\nyour brother?\u201d\n\n\u201cArrah, sure enough,\u201d said Pat. \u201cHe hadn\u2019t heard a sound for years, and\nthe day after he took that medicine he heard from a friend in America.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nShe was a sweet little thing with the most waspy of wasplike waists, and\npassers-by had nothing but admiration in their eyes for her.\n\nBut what was that? She had fainted. Tenderly they carried her into a drug\nstore. An Irishman who had observed the occurrence, looked in after a few\nminutes, and inquired:\n\n\u201cHow is she now?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh,\u201d was the reply, \u201cshe\u2019s coming to.\u201d\n\n\u201cAh,\u201d murmured the son of Erin, \u201ccome in two\u2014has she? Poor thing! Bedad,\nit\u2019s just what I was afraid of.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIN A HURRY.\n\nA traveler finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a\ncab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all\nwent well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they\nnarrowly escaped several collisions.\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d demanded the passenger. \u201cWhy are you driving so\nrecklessly? I\u2019m in no hurry.\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, g\u2019wan wid yez,\u201d retorted the cabby. \u201cD\u2019ye think thot I\u2019m goin\u2019 to\nput in me whole day drivin\u2019 ye around for two hours? Gitap!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAs Paddy was jogging along one day with his ass and cart to market he was\naccosted by a man having a marked Lancashire accent, who, thinking it\nwould be fun to have a joke at Paddy\u2019s expense, said:\n\n\u201cHow much would you charge for driving me all the way to Caherciveen?\u201d\n\n\u201cBegorra, sir,\u201d said Paddy, \u201cI would be only too glad to drive you there,\nand a long, long piece farther, for nothing, but I am afraid I can\u2019t\noblige you this time, \u2019cos I don\u2019t think the harness would fit you.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, came to a ford and hired a boat to\ntake him across. The water being more agitated than agreeable to him, he\nasked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage?\n\n\u201cNiver,\u201d replied Pat; \u201cme brother was drowned here last week, but we\nfound him the next day.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201c\u2019Ow did yer git that black eye, Pat?\u201d\n\n\u201cOi slipped an\u2019 fell on me back.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut yer face ain\u2019t on yer back.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo\u2014naythur was Flannigan.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTwo Irishmen, long enemies, met one day, and one of them said: \u201cWhat\u2019s\nthe sinse of two intilligent min goin\u2019 along, year after year, like a\ncouple of wild cats spittin\u2019 at each other? Here we live in the same\ntiniment, and \u2019tis a burnin\u2019 shame that we do be actin\u2019 like a couple\nof boobies. Come along wid yer and shake hands, and we\u2019ll make up and\nbe friends.\u201d Which they did, and then they went to an adjacent saloon\nto cement the friendship with a glass of grog. Both stood at the bar in\nsilence. One looked at the other and said: \u201cWhat are you thinkin\u2019 about?\u201d\n\u201cO\u2019m thinkin\u2019 the same thing that you are.\u201d \u201cOh, so ye\u2019re startin\u2019 again,\nare you?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cMr. Mulligan,\u201d said Dennis, \u201cyou must have binifitted by the death of\nyour mother-in-law, for whom you had shmall affection while she lived.\u201d\n\n\u201cI did.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat did she leave you?\u201d\n\n\u201cShe left me alone\u2014isn\u2019t that enough?\u201d\n\n\u201cBut I understand you\u2019ve been spinding a hundred dollars, if you\u2019ve spint\na cent, to get her out of purgatory.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhisht now, and isn\u2019t it worth it to get her out before I get in.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cShure,\u201d said Clancy, as he peeled the paper off a tomato can and threw\nit to the goat; \u201can\u2019 it\u2019s a quare langwidge thot we Amer\u2019kans hov. Oi\nwint out to this Fort Hamilton th\u2019 other day wid Biddy boi me soide, for\nOi got to thinkin\u2019 thot it wur th\u2019 dooty av ivry citizen to make himself\nacquainted wid all thot phwich makes his counthry great. An\u2019 it\u2019s barely\nin the grounds we are befoor wan av thim sentries sez, sez he, \u2018Who goes\nthere?\u2019\u201d\n\n\u201c\u2018Phwere?\u2019 I asks, turnin\u2019 round.\n\n\u201cWho goes there!\u201d he yells wance agin wid a thrifle higher infliction.\n\n\u201c\u2018Oi asked yez phwere?\u2019 sez Oi wid some slight asper-ritty in me tones.\n\n\u201cNow phwin he yells \u2018Who goes there?\u2019 agin it\u2019s mad Oi got. Oi tould him\nthot Oi wuz willin\u2019 loike a gintlemon to hilp him wid his quistion, but\nthot Oi didn\u2019t see anybody goin\u2019 there or annyphwere, an\u2019 thot Oi thought\nOi wuz bein\u2019 guyed, an\u2019 afther callin\u2019 him a sassenach Oi threatened to\ndivist his donkey hid av it\u2019s ears, phwich th\u2019 same led to a foight, an\u2019\nthe foight led me to th\u2019 guard-house. How th\u2019 divil wur Oi to know thot\n\u2018Who goes there?\u2019 means \u2018Who are yez?\u2019\n\n\u201cShure an\u2019 it\u2019s a quare langwidge thot we Amer\u2019kans hov.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMike and Murphy had hired a boat for the day. All went well till the\nafternoon, when, unfortunately, the boat sprang a leak and water rushed\nin at a terrible rate. Murphy began bailing as hard as he could; but\nlooking up a moment or so later, he saw Mike apparently busy over\nsomething else at the other end of the boat.\n\n\u201cHi, man,\u201d he cried angrily, \u201cwhat are ye doing?\u201d\n\n\u201cShure,\u201d said Mike, \u201cI\u2019m boring another hole, bedad, to let the water\nout!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTOO PREVIOUS.\n\nA servant went to consult a fortune-teller, and she returned wailing\ndismally.\n\n\u201cDid she predict some great trouble?\u201d her mistress asked, sympathetically.\n\n\u201cOch! mum, sich terrible news,\u201d moaned Norah, rocking backward and\nforward, wringing her hands. \u201cShe tould me that my father wurks hard for\na living shoveling coals and tending foires.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut that\u2019s no disgrace or sorrow,\u201d said her mistress, a trifle vexed.\n\n\u201cOch! mum, my poor father,\u201d sobbed Norah, \u201che\u2019s bin dead these noine\nyears!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn amusing story of amateur sport comes from Rockville, Maryland, where\neach year there is held a series of races \u201cfor all comers.\u201d\n\nThe sun was blazing on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all\nwaiting for a tall raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the\nstarter and get into line.\n\nThe patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. \u201cBring up that horse!\u201d\nhe shouted. \u201cBring him up! You\u2019ll get into trouble pretty soon if you\ndon\u2019t!\u201d\n\nThe rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back: \u201cI\ncan\u2019t help it. This here\u2019s been a cab horse, and he won\u2019t start till the\ndoor shuts, an\u2019 I ain\u2019t got no door!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nGENUINE IRISH RETORT.\n\nAt the Criminal Court, a few days since, a learned gentleman,\ndissatisfied at his success with an Irish witness, complained to the\ncourt. Paddy exclaimed, \u201cI\u2019m no lawyer, yer honor, and he wants to puzzle\nme.\u201d\n\nCounsel\u2014\u201cCome, now, do you swear you are no lawyer?\u201d\n\nWitness\u2014\u201cFaith, an\u2019 I do; and you may swear the same thing about\nyourself, without fear of being liable for perjury.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA gentleman visited the house of a friend. The butler, an Irishman,\nacted very kindly toward him. He waited upon him at dinner, brushed his\nclothes, and saw him into his carriage. The gentleman, who was very\nmiserly, never offered a tip, so, as a little reminder, Pat said to him:\n\u201cFaith, sor, if you lose your purse on the way, remember you didn\u2019t pull\nit out hereabouts.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nJUST THAT QUICK?\n\nCasey reached heaven in good time.\n\n\u201cHello, St. Peter,\u201d said he, \u201c\u2019tis a foine job you have.\u201d\n\n\u201cRight, Casey. \u2019Tis a great place here. We count a million years as a\nminute and a million dollars as a cent.\u201d\n\n\u201cIs that so,\u201d said Casey, wonderingly. \u201cWell, it\u2019s money I need. Well you\nlend me a cent, St. Peter?\u201d\n\n\u201cSure,\u201d replied St. Peter. \u201cIn a minute.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat, who had lost his way in the mazes of a large exposition, finally\nwent up to one of the guards and said:\n\n\u201cWill yez tell me the way to the goin\u2019 out intrance?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMAYBE SO.\n\nIn an Irish court-house an old man was called into the witness box,\nand being confused and somewhat near-sighted he went up the stairs\nthat led to the bench instead of those that led to the box. The Judge\ngood-humoredly said:\n\n\u201cIs it a Judge you want to be, my good man?\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, sure, yer worship,\u201d was the reply. \u201cI\u2019m an old man now, and mebbe\nit\u2019s all I\u2019m fit for.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNot long since Norah was about to industriously swing the broom around\nthe parlor furniture, when she was summoned by her mistress.\n\n\u201cBefore you sweep the parlor, Norah,\u201d said the mistress as the servant\ngirl entered the room, \u201cI want to give you some advice about your broom.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, mum,\u201d was the wondering rejoinder of Norah; \u201cphat\u2019s the matter wid\nthe broom?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cBegorra, Moike, we can\u2019t go down thot road.\u201d\n\n\u201cAn\u2019 whoy not, Pat?\u201d\n\n\u201cSure, me bye, it says \u2018For Pedestrians Only,\u2019 an\u2019 we both be Oirishmen.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMcGinty was walking along Broadway when it began to rain. In front he\nthought he saw his friend Dugan, with an umbrella.\n\nHe slapped him on the back and said, jokingly: \u201cHalloa! Give me that\numbrella!\u201d\n\nWhen the man turned and McGinty saw his face he realized that he was an\nutter stranger. Naturally, he was embarrassed. But the other man appeared\neven more surprised, and immediately handed over the umbrella.\n\n\u201cI beg your pardon,\u201d he apologized. \u201cI didn\u2019t know it belonged to you.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nCassidy, a green brakeman on the Colorado Mudline was making his first\ntrip to Ute Pass. They were going up a very steep grade, and with unusual\ndifficulty the engineer succeeded in reaching the top. At the Cascade\nstation, looking out of his cab, the engineer saw the new brakeman and\nsaid with a sigh of relief:\n\n\u201cI tell you what, my lad, we had a job to get up there, didn\u2019t we?\u201d\n\n\u201cShure and we did,\u201d said Cassidy, \u201cand if I hadn\u2019t put on the brakes,\nwe\u2019d have slipped back.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nEITHER OR AYTHER.\n\nTwo Irishmen, Pat and Mike, stood looking at bricklayers who were working\non a building that was being erected, when the following conversation was\noverheard:\n\nMike\u2014\u201cPat, kin yez tell me what kapes them bricks together?\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cSure, Mike; it\u2019s the mortar.\u201d\n\nMike\u2014\u201cNot by a dom sight; that keeps them apart.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cThe noight was that dark, Moike,\u201d said Pat, while relating a past\nexperience; \u201cthat no matther how far oi looked oi couldn\u2019t see a step\nahead of me.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Irishman came home from work one day and said to his wife: \u201cMary, we\nhad an awful accident on the job to-day!\u201d\n\n\u201cWas annyone hurt?\u201d she asked.\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d he said, \u201cthere was twenty-one Eyetalians and one Irishman\nkilled!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said she, \u201cisn\u2019t it too bad about the poor fellow!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe train had stopped, and the fat old Irish woman put her head out of\nthe window and inquired of a young railway porter what it was stopping\nfor.\n\nThe young man was inclined to be facetious.\n\n\u201cEngine out late last night, ma\u2019am,\u201d he remarked, with a smile, \u201cso she\u2019s\ngot a thirst on her this morning; they\u2019re giving \u2019er a drop o\u2019 water.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd are ye shure it\u2019s water?\u201d queried the dame.\n\n\u201cIf you\u2019ll wait a minute I\u2019ll inquire whether they\u2019re givin\u2019 \u2019er port\nwine,\u201d he grinned.\n\n\u201cShure, and never mind, young man, don\u2019t be troublin\u2019 yoursilf,\u201d came the\nanswer. \u201cI thought, perhaps, by the way we\u2019ve been gitting along, it was\nsloe gin!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nO\u2019Donohue:\u2014Oi got the crate of chickens you was sendin\u2019 me allright, but\nnext time Oi wist ye\u2019d fasten them up, more securely. Comin\u2019 from the\nstation the damn things get out. Oi spent hours scouring the neighborhood\nand thin only found tin of them.\n\nMcGinty:\u2014S-s-sh! Oi only sent six.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nBREAKING THE NEWS.\n\nPat had been delegated by his fellow employees to tell Mrs. Casey the\nnews of her husband\u2019s accidental death. On the way to the Casey home, Pat\npondered on how to break the news to the widow. Finally he hit on what\nseemed to him a most humane way of preparing Mrs. Casey for the sad news.\n\nKnowing the violent hatred which Mrs. Casey as well as all loyal Irishmen\nhave for the A. P. A., he said on greeting the woman:\n\n\u201cAh, Mrs. Casey, it is bad news I have to bring you. Your husband, Mike,\nhas turned an A. P. A.\u201d\n\n\u201cMike turned A. P. A.! The scoundrel, I hope he is dead.\u201d\n\n\u201cHe is,\u201d answered Pat.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTHEIR USE.\n\n\u201cWhat good are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?\u201d asked\nthe sarcastic and angry would-be passenger.\n\n\u201cWhy,\u201d explained the genial Irish station-master, \u201cif it weren\u2019t for them\nfigures we\u2019d have no way of findin\u2019 out how late the trains are.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTom Callahan got a job on the section working for a railroad. The\nsuperintendent told him to go along the line looking for washouts.\n\n\u201cAnd don\u2019t be as long-winded in your next reports as you have been in the\npast,\u201d said the superintendent; \u201cjust report the condition of the roadbed\nas you find it, and don\u2019t use a lot of needless words that are not to the\npoint. Write like a business letter, not like a love-letter.\u201d\n\nTom proceeded on his tour of inspection and when he reached the river, he\nwrote his report to the superintendent:\n\n\u201cSir: Where the railroad was, the river is.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn unfaithful steward had embezzled a large sum of money, and his\nemployer asked advice from friends as to how he should be dealt with.\n\n\u201cGet rid of him at once,\u201d advised an Englishman. \u201cKeep him on and deduct\nthe sum from his wages,\u201d said a Scotchman.\n\n\u201cBut,\u201d said the landlord, \u201cthe sum he has embezzled is far bigger than\nhis wages.\u201d\n\n\u201cThen raise his wages,\u201d suggested an Irishman.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA Galway man named Pat Carr was met one day by an English tourist, who\nsaid to him:\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d\n\n\u201cCarr,\u201d said Pat.\n\n\u201cWell, well,\u201d said the Englishman, \u201cyou\u2019re the first car I ever saw going\nwithout an ass, so you\u2019re a great curiosity to me.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said Pat, \u201cyou\u2019re not the first ass I saw going without a car, so\nyou\u2019re no curiosity to me.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nDuring some building operations it was necessary for the workmen to walk\nacross a single plank some distance from the ground. Whenever it came to\nPat\u2019s turn, the foreman noticed that he walked across on all fours. So he\nwent up to Pat and asked contemptuously:\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s the trouble, man? Are you afraid of walking on the plank?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, begorra,\u201d said Pat, \u201cbut I\u2019m afraid of walking off it.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cWhat do we need for dinner, Bridget?\u201d asked the lady of the house.\n\n\u201cShure, mum, Oi tripped over th\u2019 cat an\u2019 we nade a complete new set av\ndishes.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME.\n\nTwo young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches\nfor the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings each\nfor every German they killed.\n\nPat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had\nnot lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting:\n\n\u201cThey\u2019re comin\u2019! They\u2019re comin\u2019!\u201d\n\n\u201cWho\u2019s comin\u2019?\u201d shouts Pat.\n\n\u201cThe Germans,\u201d replies Mick.\n\n\u201cHow many are there?\u201d\n\n\u201cAbout fifty thousand.\u201d\n\n\u201cBegorra,\u201d shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, \u201cour fortune\u2019s\nmade!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPatrick had called on his Betsy and she gave him a handsome helping of\nher special make of apple pie. Patrick was loud in its praise.\n\n\u201cI tried a new way,\u201d said Betsy, beaming. \u201cI put a few gooseberries in to\nflavor it.\u201d\n\n\u201cBegorra!\u201d cried Patrick. \u201cIf a few gooseberries give so good a flavor\nto an apple pie, what a darlint of an apple pie it would be made o\u2019\ngooseberries entoirely!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPROVED BY EXPERIMENT.\n\nMouldy Mike\u2014These \u2019ere newspapers is just a pack o\u2019 lies, that\u2019s wot they\nare.\n\nRagged Robert\u2014Wot yeh been readin\u2019.\n\n\u201cI read an account of a feller from New York wot went inter a big hotel\nin a small town, an\u2019 said he wanted to buy the hotel, an\u2019 made \u2019em an\noffer, an\u2019 give \u2019em a check wot wasn\u2019t no good, an\u2019 lived there a week on\nthe fat o\u2019 the land \u2019fore he had to light out w\u2019en the check came back,\nan\u2019 it never cost him a cent\u2014that\u2019s wot the paper said.\u201d\n\n\u201cMebby that\u2019s true.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, it ain\u2019t.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow do yer know?\u201d\n\n\u201cHow do I know? Why, quick as I read it I tried it meself\u2014an\u2019 they kicked\nme out.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat, with a little bit of drink in him, was standing on the sidewalk\nsneering at a Jewish peddler. The peddler stood the jeers for some time,\nbut Pat became too personal.\n\n\u201cDon\u2019t you know,\u201d said the Hebrew, \u201cthat the country is financed by the\nJews?\u201d\n\n\u201cMaybe they does,\u201d retorted Pat, \u201cbut bejabbers the Irish runs it.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA sewerman returned home one distressingly hot day thoroughly exhausted,\nto find his better-half also tired out after spending the greater part of\nthe day at the washtub. At the time he entered, however, she was seated,\nfanning herself vigorously. \u201cAin\u2019t ye got no supper?\u201d he asked somewhat\nangrily. \u201cSupper, is it?\u201d she asked. \u201cGo on wid you! Me all tired out\nfrom a hard day\u2019s wurruk in the hate, an\u2019 you come home an\u2019 ask for yer\nsupper! Aisy indade for you all day down in a nice cool sewer!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cWhich would yez rather be in, Casey, an explosion or a collision?\u201d asked\nhis friend McCarthy.\n\n\u201cIn a collision,\u201d replied Casey.\n\n\u201cWhy?\u201d\n\n\u201cBecause in a collision, there yez are; but in an explosion, where are\nyez?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s your name prisoner?\u201d\n\n\u201cCasey, yer honor.\u201d\n\n\u201cYour full name.\u201d\n\n\u201cCasey, sorr, full or sober!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cArrah, me darlint,\u201d cried Jamie O\u2019Flanigan to his loquacious sweetheart,\nwho had given him no opportunity of even answering her remarks during a\ntwo hours ride behind his little bay nags in his oyster wagon\u2014\u201care yes\nafther knowing why yer cheeks are like my ponies there?\u201d\n\n\u201cShure, and it\u2019s because they\u2019re red, is it?\u201d quoth the blushing Bridget.\n\n\u201cFaith and a better reason than that, mavourneen. Because there is one of\nthem each side of a waggin\u2019 tongue!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat and Mike were passing the butcher\u2019s stall, where there was a pair of\nchickens for sale.\n\n\u201cWe\u2019ll buy them,\u201d said Mike, \u201cand who ever has the best dream to-night\ncan cook them for himself to-morrow.\u201d\n\nWhen they awoke that morning Pat related his dream.\n\n\u201cI dreamt that angels carried me up to heaven.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d chimed Mike. \u201cI saw you going up and thought you would\nnever come back, so I got up, cooked the fowls and ate them.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIN IRELAND.\n\n\u201cWe never needed any of them new-fangled scales in Ireland,\u201d said O\u2019Hara.\n\u201cThere\u2019s an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and\nput it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end\nof the plank and the stone on the other end, and shift the plank until\nthey balance. Then you guess the weight of the stone and you have the\nweight of the pig.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe Irishman announced that he was about to be married.\n\n\u201cMarried!\u201d exclaimed his friend. \u201cAn old man like you?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you see,\u201d the old man explained, \u201cit\u2019s just because I\u2019m getting an\nould bhoy now. \u2019Tis a foine thing, Pat, to have a wife near ye to close\nthe eyes of ye when ye come to the end.\u201d\n\n\u201cArrah, now, ye old fule!\u201d exclaimed Pat. \u201cDon\u2019t be so foolish. What do\nye know about it? Close yer eyes, indade! I\u2019ve had a couple of thim, an\u2019,\nfaith, they both of thim opened mine!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe Irishman was walking along the bank of the river. He was fuming with\nrage, for that day he had a dispute with a neighbor over the ownership of\na pig. Suddenly a cry for help rent the air and, turning round, he saw a\nman struggling in the water.\n\nSeeing Mike on the bank, the man in the water waved his hand and shouted:\n\n\u201cHey, mate, drope me a line!\u201d\n\nIn a flash the man on the bank recognized his adversary in the pig\ndispute. Thrusting his hands in his pockets he made to resume his walk,\nremarking over his shoulder:\n\n\u201cShure, but there ain\u2019t no post offices where ye\u2019re goin\u2019 to!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA ganger on one of our large lines of railways had a keen Irish wit. One\nwarm afternoon, while walking along the line, he found one of his men\nplacidly sleeping on the embankment. The \u201cboss\u201d looked disgustedly at the\ndelinquent for a full minute, and then remarked:\n\n\u201cSlape on, ye lazy spalpeen, slape on, fur as long as you slape you\u2019ve\ngot a job, but when you wake up you ain\u2019t got none.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nWOULDN\u2019T NEED TO.\n\nPat walked into the Post Office. After getting into the telephone box he\ncalled a wrong number. As there was no such number the switch attendant\ndid not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.\n\nThe lady of the Post Office opened the door and told him to shout a\nlittle louder, which he did, but still no answer.\n\nAgain she said he would require to speak louder.\n\nPat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said:\n\n\u201cBegorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn\u2019t use your bloomin\u2019 ould\ntelephone at all!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat had just arrived from Ireland when Mike, who had been in America for\nsome years, spied him.\n\n\u201cFaith, Pat!\u201d exclaimed Mike, \u201cwhat are you doing over here?\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019ve come over,\u201d answered Pat, \u201cto try if I can make an honest living.\u201d\n\n\u201cBegorra, Mike, me boy, that\u2019s dead aisy over here, for it\u2019s dommed\nlittle competition you\u2019ll have in this country.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIn the court-house an Irishman stood charged with stealing a watch from\na fellow citizen. He stoutly denied the impeachment, and brought a\ncounter-accusation against his accuser for assault and battery committed\nwith a frying-pan. The judge was inclined to take a common sense view\nof the case, and regarding the prisoner, said, \u201cWhy did you allow the\nprosecutor, who is a smaller man than yourself, to assault you, without\nresistance? Had you nothing in your hand to defend yourself with?\u201d\n\u201cBedad, your honor,\u201d answered Pat, \u201cI had his watch, but what was that\nagainst a frying-pan?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat (reading notice on bank door)\u2014\u201cThis bank will reopen after the\nmeeting of the assignees.\u201d \u201cBegob, it will be a long time before their\nassandknees meet.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nClancy:\u2014Dugan ate something that poisoned him.\n\nDick:\u2014Croquette?\n\nClancy:\u2014Not yit begorra, but he\u2019s very sick.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nFor three solid hours the captain had been lecturing his men on \u201cthe\nduties of a soldier,\u201d and he thought it was time to see how much they had\nunderstood of his discourse.\n\nCasting his eyes round the room, he fixed on Private Murphy as his first\nvictim.\n\n\u201cPrivate Murphy,\u201d he asked, \u201cwhy should a soldier be ready to die for his\ncountry?\u201d\n\nPrivate Murphy scratched his head for a moment and then a smile of\nenlightenment crossed his face.\n\n\u201cSure, Captain,\u201d he said, pleasantly, \u201cyou\u2019re quite right. Why should he?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMaggie: \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with the car? It squeaks dreadfully.\u201d\n\nPatty: \u201cShure and it can\u2019t be helped; there\u2019s pig-iron in the axles.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMistress: \u201cMary, were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last night?\u201d\n\nMary: \u201cThat\u2019s for him to say, mum. I was doin\u2019 the best I could with the\nmaterials I could find.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat Rooney was a new arrival on the job. Having gone to the top of the\nbuilding and failed to return, the foreman shouted up:\n\n\u201cCome on, Pat, what\u2019s keeping ye?\u201d\n\n\u201cSure,\u201d said Pat, \u201cI can\u2019t find my way down.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, come down the way ye went up,\u201d shouted the foreman.\n\n\u201cFaith, an\u2019 I won\u2019t,\u201d says Pat, \u201cfor I came up head first.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIt was during the dry spell a few months ago, and a shower having come\nup, Dr. Blank remarked to his gardener, \u201cThis rain will do a lot of good,\nPatrick.\u201d\n\n\u201cYe may well say that, sorr,\u201d returned Pat. \u201cShure an hour of it now will\ndo more good in five minutes than a month of it would do in a week at any\nother time.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nREVERSED.\n\nMike\u2014\u201cWhat makes you order ice cream for the first course and soup for\nthe last?\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cWell, my stomach is upset, so I eat the meal backwards.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nNONE OF HIS BUSINESS.\n\nPat (shyly)\u2014I want to see some weddin\u2019 rings.\n\nJeweler\u2014Eighteen karats?\n\nPat (loudly)\u2014No, I\u2019ve been atin\u2019 onions and I don\u2019t know that it is any\nof your business what I\u2019ve been atin\u2019.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat: \u201cPhwat was the last card Oi dealt ye, Mike?\u201d\n\nMike: \u201cA spade.\u201d\n\nPat: \u201cOi knew it was, Oi saw ye spit on yer hand before ye picked it up.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cIf everyone in the world was as dishonest as you are,\u201d remarked an Irish\njudge, as he addressed a swindler before him; \u201cI don\u2019t know what would\nbecome of the rest of us.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cIt\u2019s thrue,\u201d said Paddy to Dennis one day, \u201cit wor a grand soight. But\nwhoile ye\u2019re standin\u2019 sit down, an\u2019 Oi\u2019ll tell ye all about it.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMIKE\u2019S PRECAUTION.\n\nMike\u2014\u201cBegorra, an\u2019 I had to go thru the woods the other night where Casey\nwas murdered last year an\u2019 that they say is haunted, an\u2019, bedad, I walked\nbackward the whole way.\u201d\n\nPat\u2014\u201cAn\u2019 what for wuz we after doin\u2019 that?\u201d\n\nMike\u2014\u201cFaith, man, so that I could see if anything wuz comin\u2019 up behind\nme.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. Murphy: \u201cI want to see some mirrors.\u201d\n\nShopwalker: \u201cHand mirrors, Madam?\u201d\n\nMrs. Murphy: \u201cNo. Some that you can see your face in.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPatrick\u2014\u201cWill you marry me?\u201d\n\nIntended:\u2014\u201cYes, darlin\u2019.\u201d\n\n\u201cDarlin\u2019, why don\u2019t you say something.\u201d\n\nPatrick:\u2014\u201cOi\u2019ve said too much already.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMike\u2014Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn\u2019t got an enemy in the world.\n\nPat\u2014What did he die of?\n\nMike\u2014Oh; he wur killed in a foight.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nASPIRATION.\n\nAn Irish mother who had occasion to reprove her eldest son exclaimed, \u201cI\njust wish that your father was at home some evening to see how you behave\nyourself when he is out!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cGood mornin\u2019 to ye, Mrs. Cassidy. An\u2019 is the likely lookin\u2019 young feller\nin yer third floor front a mimber of the church?\u201d\n\n\u201cNaw, Mrs. Haggerty, I\u2019m sorry to say he ain\u2019t. He\u2019s just an unconfirmed\nroomer.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat\u2014\u201cAn\u2019 what did your ould woman say whin ye come in at three o\u2019clock\nthis mornin\u2019?\u201d\n\nMike\u2014\u201cSure, the darlin\u2019 soul never said a worrud. An I was goin\u2019 to have\nthim two front teeth pulled out anyway.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat (going to battle): Why are you carrying that comb?\n\nMike: Sur\u2019in fate, \u2019tis the easiest one to part with.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. Murphy:\u2014\u201cDid yez hear of the awful fright Harry got on his weddin\u2019\nday?\u201d\n\nHer Husband:\u2014\u201cShure, and don\u2019t Oi know it, wasn\u2019t Oi there\u2014and didn\u2019t Oi\nsee her.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n\u201cThis is the fourth morning you\u2019ve been late, Bridget,\u201d said the mistress\nto her maid.\n\n\u201cShure, Ma\u2019am,\u201d replied Bridget, \u201cI over-slept meself.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhere is the clock I gave you?\u201d\n\n\u201cIn my room ma\u2019am.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd do you set the alarm?\u201d\n\n\u201cEvery night.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut don\u2019t you hear the alarm in the morning, Bridget?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo ma\u2019am, thot\u2019s the trouble you see the thing goes off while I\u2019m\nasleep.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTerence:\u2014I see where Mike has married the widow, Elizabeth.\n\nFoley:\u2014Shure, an\u2019 she has two children, already.\n\nMaggie:\u2014The lucky divil is what I say.\n\nTerence:\u2014How so? Lucky is it?\n\nMaggie:\u2014Shure, an\u2019 by marryin\u2019 her he has a second-hand Lizzie and two\nrunabouts.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. Muldoon\u2014\u201cDo your dauter, Mary Ann, take music lessons?\u201d\n\nMrs. Mulcahy\u2014\u201cYis; she took lessons on a phonygraph and she broke the\nrecord.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nTOO MUCH WORK.\n\nPat had seen nearly every clock in the place, but had discarded all of\nthem as not being good enough for his purpose. The weary shopman had\nexhausted his whole stock, except a few cuckoo clocks, so he brought\nthese forward as a last resource, and vowed he would do his best to sell\none or know the reason why.\n\n\u201cDo the clocks strike the hour?\u201d asked Pat, noticing their curious shape,\nand half doubting their capacity to do anything.\n\n\u201cI\u2019ll show you what they do,\u201d said the salesman; and he set the hands\nof one to a few minutes to twelve. When the little door flew open and\nthe cuckoo thrust his head out, cuckooing away for dear life, Pat was\nthunderstruck. But when the bird disappeared he looked glum, and pondered\nin gloomy thought for a moment.\n\n\u201cWell, how do you like that?\u201d asked the salesman. \u201cThat\u2019s a staggerer for\nyou, isn\u2019t it?\u201d\n\n\u201cFaith and begorra, I should think it is,\u201d declared Pat. \u201cIt\u2019s trouble\nenough to remember to wind it, without having to think of feeding the\nbird.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, but his few utterances,\ngiven in a broad brogue, were full of wit.\n\nOne of the men in the party remarked: \u201cYou\u2019re a bright sort of a fellow,\nand it\u2019s easy to see that your people came from Ireland.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, sor; ye are very badly mistaken,\u201d replied Pat.\n\n\u201cWhat!\u201d said the man. \u201cDidn\u2019t they come from Ireland?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, sor,\u201d answered Pat, \u201cthey\u2019re there yet.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n_Mrs. Murphy_\u2014No, yer Reverence, Pat can\u2019t go on that scrub-cuttin\u2019 job\nto-day\u2014he\u2019s in bed wid snake-bite.\n\n_Father O\u2019Grady_\u2014Save his soul! An\u2019 so he\u2019s been bit, eh?\n\n_Mrs. Murphy_\u2014Not yet, Father; but he has drank a bottle of brandy \u2019n\ncase he might be!\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nON HER CALLING LIST.\n\nMrs. Flynn had just moved into the neighborhood, and an old friend\ndropped in for a visit. \u201cAnd are yez on callin\u2019 terms wid yer nixt door\nneighbor yet?\u201d\n\n\u201cIndade Oi am,\u201d answered the lady. \u201cOi called her a thafe, an\u2019 she called\nme another!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nHEART OUT OF PLACE\n\nAn Irishman was telling of his war wound. He said: \u201cAn\u2019 the bullet went\nin me chist here, and come out me back!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut,\u201d said his friend, \u201cit would have gone thru your heart and killed\nyou.\u201d\n\n\u201cFaith, an\u2019 me heart was in me mouth at the time!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nINTERPRETING A DREAM\n\n\u201cDo ye belave in dhrames, Riley?\u201d\n\n\u201cOi do,\u201d was Riley\u2019s reply.\n\n\u201cPhwat\u2019s it a sign of if a married man dhrames he\u2019s a bachelor?\u201d\n\n\u201cIt\u2019s a sign thot he\u2019s going to meet wid a great disappointment when he\nwakes up.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nThe foreman looked him up and down.\n\n\u201cAre you a mechanic?\u201d he asked.\n\n\u201cNo, sorr,\u201d was the answer. \u201cOi\u2019m a McCarthy.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nA PECULIAR POISON\n\nProfessor O\u2019Flanigan held up a small phial, and the class was silent.\n\u201cOne drop of this liquid,\u201d said he, impressively, \u201cplaced upon the tongue\nof a cat is sufficient to kill the strongest man!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nFor months Pat, who lived in the oil country, had been drilling\nunsuccessfully in his back yard. One day his friends were astonished to\nsee him rush from his door cheering loudly.\n\n\u201cWhat\u2019s the idea, Pat?\u201d he was asked.\n\n\u201cHaven\u2019t ye heard the good news?\u201d\n\n\u201cGood Lord! You haven\u2019t struck oil at last, have you?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, not yet. But didn\u2019t ye notice how the price of it went up yesterday?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat and Mike were engaged in a dispute in a cemetery one day. \u201cWell,\u201d\nsaid Pat, \u201cI don\u2019t like this cemetery at all, at all.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said Mike, \u201cI think it is a fine cemetery.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo,\u201d said Pat, \u201cI don\u2019t like it at all, at all, and I\u2019ll never be buried\nin it as long as I live.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat an unreasonable ould fool ye are, to be sure,\u201d said Mike, losing\nhis temper. \u201cWhy man alive, it is a fine cemetery, and if my life is\nspared, sure I\u2019ll be buried in it.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAn Irishman said that a friend of his had died suddenly. \u201cDid he live\nhigh?\u201d he was asked. \u201cI can\u2019t say as to that,\u201d replied Mike \u201cbut he died\nhigh,\u2014_he was hung_.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nMrs. O\u2019Regan\u2014\u201cDid yez ever hov yer palm read, Mrs. O\u2019Reilly?\u201d\n\nMrs. O\u2019Reilly\u2014\u201cPhwat a question, Mrs. O\u2019Regan! Haven\u2019t I had ten children\nan\u2019 had to spank all o\u2019 thim?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nCELTIC SARCASM\n\n_The Mistress_\u2014\u201cIf the eggs are to be kept fresh, you must lay them in a\ncool place.\u201d\n\n_The Cook_\u2014\u201cOi\u2019ll mintion it to the hens at wanst.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nAN ILLOGICAL DEDUCTION\n\n\u201cBegorra,\u201d said Patsy, \u201cOi couldn\u2019t pay me five dollar foine, and Oi had\nto go to gaol for six days.\u201d\n\n\u201cAn\u2019 how much did yez spend to get drunk?\u201d asked Mike, rather\nsarcastically.\n\n\u201cOh, \u2019bout five dollars.\u201d\n\n\u201cYez fool, if yez had not spent yez five dollars for drink, yez\u2019d had\nfive dollars to pay yer foine wid.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nIMPORTANT\n\n_Mrs. O\u2019Toole_\u2014\u201cPhwat dy yez think, Pat? Here\u2019s a mon mintioned in the\npaper as afther shootin\u2019 his wife and himself.\u201d\n\n_Pat_\u2014\u201cShure, which did he kill fust?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nCORRECT TIME.\n\n_Pat_\u2014\u201cAn\u2019 whoy do yez carry two watches?\u201d\n\n_Mike_\u2014\u201cFaith, Oi nade wan to see how shlow th\u2019 other wan is.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nFOLLOWING ORDERS.\n\n_Doctor_\u2014\u201cThe room seems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. Have you kept the\nthermometer at seventy, as I told you?\u201d\n\n_Mrs. Hooligan_\u2014\u201cShure, an\u2019 Oi hov, dochtor. There\u2019s th\u2019 devillish thing\nin a toombler av warrum wather at this blissid minnut.\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nPat Dooley went round to the cabin of Mike Doolan to pass the time of\nday to him; but Mike was out. Mrs. Mike was in, boiling the praties and\ntrying to nurse the child at the same time. Pat, being a polite boy,\noffered to dandle the baby while Mrs. Mike stirred the pot.\n\nIn came Mike. \u201cGood morning to you, Pat.\u201d\n\n\u201cThe top of the morning to you, Mike, and how\u2019s yourself?\u201d\n\n\u201cIt\u2019s gay and grand I am, and how are you, Pat?\u201d\n\n\u201cJust holding my own,\u201d says Pat, tossing the child.\n\nAnd when Pat woke up, he found that he had been in the hospital for a\nweek.\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n_Private Murphy_\u2014\u201cShure, wid all them women\u2019s movements, I belave we\u2019ll\nhave women soldiers by and by.\u201d\n\n_Private Flannigan_\u2014\u201cNot a bit of it, shure, the arms that defied the\ncounthry will always be clothed in trousers!\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\n_Mike O\u2019Mulligan_ (In hospital operating room, just recovering from\neffects of chloroform)\u2014\u201cOch, be the powers, where am I? Where is it I am,\nat all, at all?\u201d\n\n_Surgeon Sawbones_ (with a wink to his assistant)\u2014\u201cIn Heaven.\u201d\n\n_Mulligan_ (looking around)\u2014\u201cThin I\u2019d like to know phwat the pair of yez\nis doin\u2019 here?\u201d\n\n       *       *       *       *       *\n\nGOOD LOGIC\n\n_Pat_\u2014\u201cI say, Mick, I\u2019m very hard up. Can you lind me the loan of a\ndollar?\u201d\n\n_Mick_\u2014\u201cBegorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, I haven\u2019t a dime on me.\nEvery penny I get I give to my poor old mother.\u201d\n\n_Pat_\u2014\u201cBe jabbers, Mick, I\u2019ve just been talking to yer mother, and she\ntells me ye never give her a cent.\u201d\n\n_Mick_\u2014\u201cOh, well, Pat if I don\u2019t give my poor old mother a cent, what\nsort of a chance have you got of getting any?\u201d\n\n\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 Easy Method for Learning German Quickly.\n\nA new system, on the most simple principles for universal self-tuition,\nwith complete English pronunciation of every word. Next to our own, the\nGerman language is the most prevalent in this country to-day, as a large\npercentage of our population is either German or of German extraction,\ntherefore the German language is worth knowing. With the aid of this book\nany person can acquire a thorough knowledge of the German language, as\nthe method for learning is so simple that a child could understand it.\nRevised edition. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=.\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 Easy Method for Learning French Quickly.\n\nUniform with and arranged the same as the \u201cGerman Quickly,\u201d being the\neasiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the French\nlanguage, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition.\n\nPRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 Easy Method for Learning Spanish Quickly.\n\nArranged the same as the \u201cGerman and French,\u201d being the easiest method\npublished for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the Spanish language,\nwith the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition.\n\nPRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 Easy Method for Learning Italian Quickly.\n\nUniform in size and style with the \u201cGerman, French and Spanish,\u201d being\nthe easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the\nItalian language, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised\nedition.\n\nPRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.\n\n\nWEHMAN BROS.\u2019 Easy Method for Learning Polish Quickly.\n\nUniform in size and style with the \u201cGerman, French, Spanish and Italian,\u201d\nbeing the easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge\nof the Polish language, with the English pronunciation of every word.\nRevised edition.\n\nPRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.\n\n\nAddress WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York City.","title":"Wehman Bros.' Irish Yarns Wit and Humor, No. 2","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":10345}