{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_60630/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_60630","id":"gutenberg_60630","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60630","summary":null,"tags":["American wit and humor","Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","Category: Plays/Films/Dramas","Deluge","Noah's ark"],"text":"Transcriber\u2019s Notes:\n\n  Underscores \u201c_\u201d before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_\n    in the original text.\n  Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals.\n  Typographical errors have been silently corrected.\n\n\n\n\nTHE LOG OF THE ARK\n\n\n[Illustration]\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_A large crowd came down to see us off_.\u201d]\n\n[Illustration:\n\n                           THE LOG OF THE ARK\n                                BY NOAH\n                          HIEROGLYPHICS BY HAM\n               EXCAVATED BY I. L. GORDON and A. J. FRUEH\n                        E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY.\n                       681-FIFTH AVENUE NEW YORK]\n\n                               COPYRIGHT\n                                   BY\n                         E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY\n                                  1915\n\n[Illustration]\n\n_The Knickerbocker Press_\n\n_New York_\n\n[Illustration]\n\n\n\n\nWHO\u2019S WHO ON THE ARK\n\n\n    CAPTAIN             _Myself_\n    FIRST OFFICER       _Shem_\n    SECOND OFFICER      _Ham_\n    THIRD OFFICER       _Japheth_\n    PURSER              _Myself_\n    WIRELESS OPERATOR   _Shem_\n    CHIEF ENGINEER      _Ham_\n    CHIEF STEWARD       _Japheth_\n    VETERINARIAN        _Myself_\n    CHIEF COOK          _Mrs. Noah_\n    BOTTLE WASHER       _Mrs. Shem_\n    STEWARDESS          _Mrs. Ham_\n    LAUNDRESS           _Mrs. Japheth_\n    STOKERS             _Automatic_\n    CARGO               _Live Stock_\n\n[Illustration]\n\n\n\n\nTHE LOG OF THE ARK\n\n\nWEDNESDAY, B.C. 2349. COURSE\u2014to Ararat.\nWEATHER\u2014clear and rain. WIND\u2014starting to blow.\nSEA\u2014calm. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20141 league.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWeighed anchor: 2240 pounds.\u2014My rheumatism hurt. I just knew it would\nrain.\u2014A large crowd came down to see us off. Received delegation of S.\nP. C. A. They presented me with a gold-handled umbrella.\u2014Someone sent\nthe women folks a bunch of American beauties.\u2014Many of my neighbours\nsay I am crazy.\u2014It began to rain\u2014crowd dispersed.\u2014There is a lot\nof hubbub in getting an Ark off.\u2014Half an hour late in starting. Ham\ndoesn\u2019t understand some of the levers.\u2014Ship\u2019s band played the national\nanthems as we sailed away.\u2014Sent sailing lists to all my friends. Gave\nthem to the pilot to mail.\u2014Dropped pilot at 7.30 P.M. I was\nsorry to see him go.\u2014Cargo all well and quiet.\u2014I wonder if I will be\nseasick?\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014higher. SEA\u2014still calm. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRained all last night and today. I didn\u2019t sleep well. Mrs. Noah insists\nupon having the lower berth. I had to climb up top. If I fall and break\nmy neck it will be serious.\u2014Spent morning in smoking-room reading\nsteamer letters. Several magazines offer half a shekel a word for my\nstory. Some vaudeville manager wants me to go on the stage if I get\naway with the trip. The University of Bagdad ask me to will them my\nbrains.\u2014Mrs. Japheth forgot one of her steamer trunks, and wants us\nto go back.\u2014Ham says he thinks he knows which levers will stop the\nArk.\u2014All well on board.\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014same as yesterday. SEA\u2014very calm. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20141\u00bd. WIRELESS REPORT; Mountain resorts doing good\nbusiness. Hotels all crowded.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe ran aground this morning. Mrs. Noah and the girls were badly\nfrightened. I signalled for a tug which pulled us off. The captain\nwanted to know about the salvage. I told him to see the owners or the\ninsurance company. Doubt if he ever will be paid.\u2014I can\u2019t sleep very\nwell. The bunk is too narrow. I don\u2019t like steamer bunks any more than\nI do a Pullman.\u2014Mrs. Noah complains of the motion of the ship. I\nhaven\u2019t felt it, but the throbbing of the engines is annoying.\u2014Didn\u2019t\neat much today.\u2014Cargo still quiet. I\u2019m a little worried about the two\ncaterpillars. What if they are not mates?\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014shifted. SEA\u2014same as yesterday. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20142. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014C. Q. D. Antioch.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe rooster woke me up this morning.\u2014Oldest inhabitants can\u2019t remember\nwhen it has rained so hard.\u2014There\u2019s not much fun standing on the\nbridge for four hours at a time. I thought all the captain of an Ark\nhad to do was talk to the ladies. There\u2019s some responsibility connected\nwith a vessel of this size, and such a mixed cargo. It might have a\nserious effect on posterity should we be wrecked.\u2014All indications\npoint to unusually high water. We passed several mountains today.\nMountains do look strange without their valleys.\u2014I\u2019m learning to\nread the charts.\u2014Japheth complains that the triceratops prorus, the\niguanodon bernissartensis, and the dinosaurs are not eating. We\u2019re\nalways having trouble with those what-you-may-call-its.\u2014Mrs. Noah says\nthe Ark is beginning to smell like a barn. I can\u2019t help that.\u2014Took my\nbath.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Can\u2019t remember when it has rained so hard_\u201d]\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014higher. SEA\u2014higher. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20141.\nWIRELESS REPORT\u2014Ephesus C. Q. D.\u2019d. So did Tyre.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI never saw such a rain. It simply poured all day.\u2014No ministers\naboard so I had to conduct the services in the saloon this morning.\nTook as my text\u2014Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played the harpsichord. No\ncollection.\u2014Sea just a little rougher this afternoon.\u2014Have had a time\nkeeping Ham in the engine room. He\u2019s lazy. He would rather fish than\nwork. Ham\u2019s wife always sides with him. I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ll have trouble\nwith her.\u2014Hope we don\u2019t run into any of those waterspouts I\u2019ve read\nabout.\u2014Cargo still quiet. Hope none of those submarines attack us.\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014N. E. SEA\u2014a bit choppy. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u2014\u00bd. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014S. O. S. Chaldea.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWomen folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the\nwash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I\nalways thought women\u2019s clothes were too complicated anyway.\u2014Made an\ninspection of the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary. Some of\nthe animals are a little crowded, but I can\u2019t help that when each\nmammoth takes two staterooms.\u2014The Shetland ponies need exercise, but\nit keeps on raining.\u2014Mrs. Noah is still complaining. She can\u2019t stand\nthe motion of the ship, and now she says the thought of the French\npoodles being bunked with the rhino is horrible.\u2014Real estate getting\nscarce.\u2014Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I couldn\u2019t see any use\nfor them.\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014choppier. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\nWIRELESS REPORT\u2014Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded.\nBoats in streets.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThat bunk of mine is made of concrete.\u2014I\u2019m a little shaky today.\nAppetite all gone. Meals don\u2019t taste good. Felt better on deck. I\u2019ve\nnever been seasick in my life. I wonder if this is it?\u2014I\u2019ll be all\nright tomorrow.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014stronger. SEA\u2014pretty rough. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u2014\u00bc. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014C. Q. D. Bagdad.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRain and a little rougher. Never had such strange sensations. I excused\nmyself from the dinner table. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s the motion of the\nboat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibration. I like to keep\nperfectly quiet in my steamer chair and have plenty of air.\u2014Mrs.\nJapheth brought me a sardine sandwich this afternoon. That was\nsinful.\u2014Only stuck my head in the dining-room door at supper time. I\u2019d\nlike to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah is a nuisance. She wants to\nknow what she can do for me. Why can\u2019t people let me alone in these\ncritical times? Wonder if I am seasick?\u2014I\u2019ll be all right tomorrow.\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014stronger. SEA\u2014nauseating. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u2014\u00bc. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014Work stopped on tower of Babel.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRougher and more rain.\u2014Tried to get up this morning but gave it up.\nEvery time the Ark pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I eat stays\net. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought hot lemonade and gruel into my\ncabin. It only takes the thought of such things to make my sensations\nworse. I don\u2019t see why they had to fry onions today.\u2014The second\nofficer came in tonight and said it was my watch. I told him the Ark\ncould get along without my watch. He said we might founder if the\nbridge was empty. I told him I didn\u2019t care if we did.\u2014Mrs. Ham says\nthere is no such a thing as seasickness. She claims it\u2019s a state of\nmind. Why can\u2019t people let me alone?\u2014I\u2019ll be all right tomorrow.\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014 WEATHER\u2014 WIND\u2014\nSEA\u2014 SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014 WIRELESS REPORT\u2014\n\nREMARKS:\n\n\u2014\u2014\u2014\u2014!\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014abating. SEA\u2014steadier. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014I\nforgot to look. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014S. O. S. Troy.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nAm writing this in bed. Guess it rained yesterday. Oh! it was awful! I\nmust have been seasick. How I wanted the old ship to sink! My system\nnever went back on me like that\u2014Oh! it was frightful\u2014horrible! I felt\nas though I were going down in one of those new-fangled elevators. And\nthen, these people kept bothering me. I wanted to die alone. I told\nthe family where they could find the will.\u2014Japheth said I should eat\nsome finnan haddy. That was a deliberate attempt on my life. Mrs. Shem\nmade me suck a lemon, and take a bottle of sure-cure seasick medicine.\nI nearly died after that. Mrs. Noah kept stroking my head, and asking\nwhat I wanted to eat. Ham brought me a bottle of cod liver oil. I\nwanted to smite him, but I had not the strength. The only comfort I\nhad was Shem. I heard him say, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you people get out, and\nlet the old man alone?\u201d That was so kind.\u2014I hope I\u2019ll be all right\ntomorrow.\u2014Postponed my bath.\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014calmer. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same as\nyesterday. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014C. Q. D. Ph\u0153nicia.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nStill raining. Postponed church until next Sunday.\u2014I went up on deck\nfor awhile. Still feel a little wabbly. The officers accused me of\nbeing seasick. I was not. Something I ate didn\u2019t agree with me.\u2014I miss\nthe Sunday newspapers.\u2014The male elephant was down with a bad tuskache\nthis afternoon. Tried to pull it but I was too weak.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014no wind. SEA\u2014all right again. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20143. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014Peach and potato crops ruined.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRained harder than usual.\u2014The elephant\u2019s tusk was much better this\nmorning.\u2014There\u2019s a funny piece of mechanism on the bridge. It has\nN. S. E. W. printed on it. Shem and Ham say it\u2019s a game. They spin a\nneedle and guess where it will stop. Shem always puts his money on the\nletter N and wins. They wouldn\u2019t let me play the N. I believe Shem is a\ncapper.\u2014This weather looks like a real flood.\u2014I feel a little better\ntoday.\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014none. SEA\u2014none. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20143.\nWIRELESS REPORT\u2014C. Q. D. Mesopotamia.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMrs. Noah is again complaining. She says the weather takes the waves\nout of her marcels. I suppose on the forty-first day she will find\nfault with the sunshine.\u2014The camels took a drink four days ago, and\nhaven\u2019t touched a drop since.\u2014Shem and Ham let me play the N today. I\nlost two more shekels. I think that machine is possessed.\u2014According to\nthe almanac we should be having fine weather.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014moderate. SEA\u2014reposed. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20144\u00bc. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014none today.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMrs. Noah is becoming attached to the diplodocus carnegiei. The two\nare together a great deal.\u2014I played that machine again today. Lost!\nJust before I quit, I saw Shem hold a horseshoe where he wanted the\nneedle to stop. When I caught him, he said it was only for good luck.\nI see through that game now. I\u2019ll catch them tomorrow.\u2014I\u2019m all the\ntime forgetting on which side of the ship the red lights belong. I\ncan\u2019t see the use of making my Ark look like a drug store.\u2014WEATHER\nFORECAST\u2014continued rain.\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014south. SEA\u2014same as usual.\nRAINFALL\u2014six inches. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThis morning I took a shoe off the mare. Put ten shekels on the\nletter W. Held my good-luck shoe at the letter. Shem held his at E.\nShem won. I\u2019m not going to play that game any more.\u2014Guess the camels\nmust be sick. They will not drink.\u2014Don\u2019t see land anywhere. The\nthousand-leggers haven\u2019t their sea legs as yet.\n\n[Illustration]\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_I\u2019m not going to play that game any more_\u201d]\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014steady. SEA\u2014same as yesterday. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20141. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014none.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe weather still has it in for us.\u2014I found Shem\u2019s good-luck\nhorseshoe. It\u2019s a magnet. The scoundrel!\u2014Spent the morning reading up\non animals. Wish I knew as much about them as Mr. \u00c6sop.\u2014Japheth says\nthe peanut-eating varieties have consumed 477,392 nuts.\u2014Nearly had a\nsad disaster today.\u2014One of the bullfrogs jumped overboard. We lowered\nthe lifeboat, and rescued him after a chase.\u2014The water spaniels seem\nto enjoy this weather.\u2014The women folks have organized some kind of an\n\u201canti\u201d society.\u2014The food on board is extraordinary. The salt air seems\nto have benefited my appetite. Still, Mrs. Noah never could cook like\nmother.\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014straight ahead. RAINFALL\u20145\u00bd inches. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20144. SEA\u2014much deeper.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nDid not sleep well last night. The rain on the roof keeps me\nawake.\u2014Mrs. Noah went about the Ark pinning up \u201cNo smoking\u201d\nsigns.\u2014All at sea about our course. If the world is round we are all\nright. If it\u2019s flat we may topple off the edge. We ancients are greatly\nhandicapped. Wish Columbus had lived before my time. Japheth and I\nspent the whole morning trying to figure where we are. His calculations\nmake us sailing south of the Dead Sea. Mine show we are over Sheba. I\u2019m\nright because I\u2019m the captain.\u2014The camels still won\u2019t drink.\u2014Had to\nscold Ham for trying to steal the fish-worms. I\u2019ll bet he wanted to go\nfishing tomorrow.\u2014Took my bath.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Spent the morning reading up on animals_\u201d]\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014cool. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo services. Shem ran into my cabin this morning. He was greatly\nexcited. He said the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the\nmetriorhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium had\nclimbed out of their stalls, and were fighting with the macanchenia\npatagonica and the testudo periniana. I went downstairs and found\nthat the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus\nsuperciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium were not fighting with\nthe macanchenia patagonica and the testudo periniana, but with the\nsceliditherium leptocephalum and the pachydiscus peramphus. The noise\nof the battle awoke the machairodus neg\u00e6us, the horplophorus ornatus,\nand the pareiasaurus serridens. They began to purr. It was a good thing\nfor me I was not stepped on while stopping the fight. Gol darn the\nfellow who gave animals such names.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_It\u2019s a good thing for me I wasn\u2019t stepped on while\nstopping the fight_\u201d]\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014dry. SEA\u2014smooth. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nTwenty days out. Rain half over.\u2014Camels took a drink today. First time\nsince the tenth. I\u2019d hate to be a camel.\u2014I won the pool on the ship\u2019s\nrun.\u2014We have to watch the flies all the time to keep them away from\nthe fly-paper.\u2014Shem complains that the lions eat too much meat. Meat\nis expensive these days. I\u2019m going to try feeding them hay.\u2014Shot craps\nawhile this afternoon with Japh.\u2014We are using the sun-dials again.\nDuring the night the ostrich broke into the chart room and swallowed my\nIngersoll chronometer.\u2014It takes 24 life preservers to go around the\nelephant.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014up a bit. SEA\u2014starting to blow. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u2014\u00bd.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI am sure this is a record rain. Read all the weather reports, but\ncan\u2019t find any to beat it.\u2014Wish I had spent more time in zoos when\nI was ashore. There are some details about animals which I do not\nknow. Today I wanted to find out why the canaries always attack the\ncuttlefish.\u2014The girls spent the afternoon playing bridge. War in camp\nnow.\u2014Mrs. Noah has named her diplodocus carnegiei \u201cYorick.\u201d It makes\nme laugh to see them promenading the deck together.\u2014The mice broke out\ntoday.\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014worse. SEA\u2014worse. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014\u00bc.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe typhoid fever germs are looking thin. I don\u2019t know who to feed them\non. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea to throw them overboard,\nbut I\u2019m too tender-hearted.\u2014My raincoat leaks. Caught a bad cold. Mrs.\nNoah made a mustard foot-bath for me tonight. Drank two goblets of\nsassafras tea. Mrs. Ham tried to give me some patent medicine. No sir,\nI\u2019ll stick to the old-fashioned remedies every time. The Ark is a bad\nplace for a rheumatic.\u2014Caught Ham making hieroglyphics of me today.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Never saw such rain_\u201d]\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014terrible. SEA\u2014wild. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014minus\n19.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI stood on the bridge eighteen hours during a storm. Never saw such\nwaves. Some were as high as the Tower of Babel is going to be. A few\nbroke into the funnels. Ham was flooded out of the engine room. We\nused racks on the table, and had trouble with the soup. The hippo\nrolled over one of the mice and nearly squashed it. The animals got all\nmixed up. The lightning turned the condensed milk sour. Mrs. Shem says\nshe will be able to make cheese out of it. Had to throw the library\noverboard to save the ship. I saved the almanac, \u00c6sop\u2019s animal book,\nthe dictionary, and the Everyman\u2019s Encyclopedia. The sea is quieting\nnow. I\u2019m dead tired. Now to bed.\u2014I wonder where mother-in-law is\ntonight?\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Had to throw the library overboard to save the ship_\u201d]\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014less. SEA\u2014less. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20141.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWhile making an inspection of the fowls of the air, I heard someone\ntalking. Thought it was a stowaway until I found two Irish-green birds\nwith Hebraic beaks and the voice of a man. They are the most wonderful\nbirds I ever saw. One of them hollered \u201chello,\u201d and the other says\nsomething about a cracker. I\u2019m going to make friends with them. Took\nthem to my stateroom. They eat sunflower seed and climb with their\nfaces.\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014from astern. SEA\u2014quiet. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u2014resumed normal speed.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI must be careful what I say before those green birds. While hunting\nfor a collar-button I bumped my head. When Mrs. Noah came into the room\nthey repeated what I said.\u2014I wish it would stop raining so I could\npaint the ship.\u2014Yorick keeps pawing at the stateroom door during the\nnight. He is worse than a wolf. I don\u2019t dare say anything.\u2014Bath.\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014shifty. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20143.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNot a sign of a let-up in the rain.\u2014Services this A.M.\u2014One\nof those impudent birds called me \u201cwhiskers\u201d today. I hung them down\nin the engine room for punishment. Mrs. Noah said it was cruel to\nleave them in that smoky place. Tonight she brought them back to the\nstateroom. Their language was shocking. They had learned a lot of\nnew words.\u2014I like Sundays. We always have ice-cream for dinner.\u2014I\ncaught Ham fishing today. Put the fish-worms in the safe. I don\u2019t trust\nhim.\u2014Shem says the lookout barrel is too tight for him.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014moist. SEA\u2014cheerless. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nAnother wash-day ruined.\u2014We can\u2019t stand those birds any more. I think\nHam must have taught them that strange language. I locked them up in\nthe booby hatch so they won\u2019t contaminate the other birds.\u2014Came into\nthe cabin with muddy feet today. Mrs. Noah gave it to me. I don\u2019t see\nwhy I can\u2019t do as I please on my own Ark.\u2014Had my hair cut. These ship\nbarbers are miserable and their prices are exorbitant.\u2014Won pool on\nship\u2019s run. The women keep asking me when the rain will stop. They want\nto use their kodaks.\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014abating. SEA\u2014squally. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20141.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI am awakened every morning by the crew scrubbing. It sounds as though\nthey bring the trunks out of the hold and shuffle them around the\ndecks.\u2014We had quite a hunt this afternoon. Some of the ant-eaters\u2019\nfood escaped. Mrs. Japheth finally found them in the preserves.\u2014The\nrhino had a bad accident last night. He tripped while walking\ndownstairs. Several square feet of hide was torn off. We riveted on a\npiece of boiler plate.\n\n[Illustration]\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014high. SEA\u2014disturbed. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014\u00bd.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nGreatly disappointed at breakfast. My day for the egg, but the hen\ndidn\u2019t lay one.\u2014The male whale has a bad attack of eczema. I must be\ncareful of that fish. I have to save him for Jonah.\u2014My steamer rug is\nalmost worn out.\u2014Ouch! I just killed a mosquito. I don\u2019t mind their\nsinging, but I can\u2019t get used to their bites.\u2014One of my back teeth\nbegan to ache.\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nAn all-day rain.\u2014I can\u2019t get along with Mrs. Ham. About all she can\ndo is sit around and try to look pretty. She can\u2019t even do that very\nwell. Her family thought Ham married her for her money. Some women\nare so useless. Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth are so different. They are\nsympathetic and love the cargo. They seem to realize I have done quite\na favour in bringing them along. It does my heart good to see Mrs. Shem\npet those pigs. She would make a dandy snake-charmer. That Ham woman\nonly plays with the French poodle and the pomeranian. Today she refused\nto feed the mosquitoes. She said they make lumps on her arms.\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014hot. SEA\u2014peaceful. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20143.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nSet the sun-dial ahead half an hour. Have to do that every day to keep\nup with the run of the ship.\u2014The giraffe has a cold in his throat.\nMrs. Noah took all my red flannels and forty pounds of bacon to make\na bandage.\u2014I get all muddled up when I try to figure where we are.\nThe first officer thinks we are off the coast of Egypt. That\u2019s where\nthey are going to build the pyramids. I guess we are sailing along the\nAfrican coast. Keeping a sharp lookout for pirates.\u2014The women folks\nare always asking me when it will stop raining. They say nobody will\nbelieve they have been away unless they are sunburned.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014tempered. SEA\u2014none. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014none.\nStopped for repairs.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRained pitchforks all day.\u2014Put an extra officer on deck to watch for\npirates. The high seas are dangerous in these prehistoric days.\u2014Ham\nwon\u2019t let his wife tend the whales. He says her clothes smell fishy.\nI\u2019ll never go through another flood so short-handed.\u2014Shem tells me I\nought to put the latitude and longitude in the log. I didn\u2019t like to\nshow my ignorance so I said I would, but I won\u2019t.\u2014This damp weather\nhas a depressing effect on the officers and the family. It also is\nmaking the canary seed sprout, and putting mould on the hay.\u2014Guess all\nthe mines are flooded by this time. I had stock in several\u2014guaranteed\nto pay 200 per cent. Hope they are waterproof. Wish it were the\nfortieth.\u2014Bath.\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices this A.M. We are saving the collection until we get\nashore.\u2014I\u2019m 600 years old today. I\u2019ll be grey soon. The family got\ntired pounding me. Tonight the officers and their wives gave me a\nsurprise party. Mrs. Shem baked a cake, but you couldn\u2019t see it for\ncandles. Mrs. Japheth gave me some records for the talking machine.\nShem gave me a red tie. Ham gave me\u2014no, he didn\u2019t give me anything. He\nwished me many happy returns of the day. His wife presented me with a\npair of dancing sandals. Japheth donated a bottle of hair tonic. Mrs.\nNoah knitted me some socks and a nightcap.\n\nI\u2019m getting along in years, but, still, grandpa was something like 1000\nbefore they made a mummy out of him. I want to get away with this trip.\nIt will be a good thing for my reputation. Perhaps it will make me\nfamous. I want my posterity to have a fine opinion of me. It\u2019s a good\nthing for them I was born. I\u2019d like to live a few hundred years more to\nsee some of my descendants, but it isn\u2019t a good thing to have too much\nto do with one\u2019s relations. I wonder where I\u2019ll be when I am 700? Mrs.\nNoah did not abuse me once today.\u2014No pirates yet.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014variable. SEA\u2014full of seaweed. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe welsh rarebit we had at my party last night kept me awake.\u2014I\nwonder what that latitude and longitude is? I ought to have taken\na course in navigation before I undertook this trip.\u2014We are using\nthe flint and steel again. The matches are too damp.\u2014Mrs. Ham\ncomplains about the butter. She says it is rancid. She can\u2019t expect a\nRitz-Carlton aboard. It was guaranteed for a year. If I ever find the\nmanufacturer I\u2019ll make him live up to his agreement.\u2014My umbrella needs\nre-covering. This weather is certainly monotonous.\u2014No pirates yet.\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014invariable. SEA\u2014middling. SHIP\u2019S\nRUN\u20142.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI was nearly scared to death last night. The dogs awakened me. The\nIrish setters barked with a pronounced brogue. At first I thought\nsomeone was breaking into the chicken coop\u2014then I thought of the\npirates! Put on my nightcap, took a candle, and went below. Someone\nhollered, \u201cWho?\u201d I said, \u201cI\u2019m Noah, and who are you or I\u2019ll fire?\u201d I\nwas scared stiff. No answer. I couldn\u2019t find anybody except the two\nbirds that sleep all day. They kept winking and blinking at me. Didn\u2019t\nfind any pirates, but I went back to bed and dreamed about them. Ham\nsays that\u2019s what I get for reading ten shekel novels.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_I went back to bed and dreamed about pirates_\u201d]\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014puffy. SEA\u2014dismal. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20143.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nSeven kittens came aboard during the night. I don\u2019t know what on\nearth to do with them. Ham wants to feed them to the iguanodon\nbernissartensis. I think they ought to go into the rainwater barrel.\nMrs. Noah and the girls say they will never speak to me if I drown\nthem.\u2014I\u2019m resting easier. We\u2019re out of the pirate belt.\u2014Our charts\nare worthless now. The water is too deep for them.\u2014Threw a keg of\nbutter overboard this afternoon.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014blowy. SEA\u2014swelly. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014\u00be.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHa! ha! Ham sat on the porcupine.\u2014Poor Shem was stung while feeding\nthe bees. They ought to be muzzled.\u2014Have decided to let those kittens\nlive. I detest a family quarrel.\u2014We moved the pigs\u2019 sty to the extreme\nstern.\u2014Passed over Damascus at 4.32. Mrs. Ham told us all about her\nvisits to the place with her parents.\u2014It was a fine old town. That\nreminds me\u2014a fellow there owed me seven and a half camels.\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014foggy.\nSEA\u2014foggy. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014foggy.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRain and fog. There ought to be a law compelling shipowners to muffle\ntheir fog-horns. Mine kept me awake all last night.\u2014The dinosaur eats\na ton of hay at a meal. If that keeps up we\u2019ll have to put into some\nport for more provisions.\u2014Mrs. Noah visited the bowels of the ship\ntoday. She came up crying. She said the hyenas laughed at her. They\nare braver than Mr. Noah.\u2014Mrs. Shem is teaching the goats to eat the\nsoup tins. That will save a little hay. Ah! that woman is fine and\neconomical.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014less. SEA\u2014less. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20141.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nBarometer going up. My rheumatism is much better. The clouds seem\nto be breaking. I believe it will clear. I\u2019m so used to this rain I\nalmost hate to see it stop.\u2014One night more and we\u2019ll be able to sit on\ndeck.\u2014I had everybody guessing at the supper table. I asked them where\nMoses is going to be when the light goes out. The officers and their\nwives are trying to guess.\u2014I made a muffler for the fog-horn today.\nNow, let it fog.\u2014Took my bath.\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014rain.\nWIND\u2014dying. SEA\u2014calm. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20143.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nFortieth day out. Rain almost over.\u2014Services this A.M. Ham\nwent to sleep during the sermon.\u2014This afternoon I sat around talking\nto the girls. They love to hear me tell how I captured the animals.\nToday I told them about lassoing the Wild West buffaloes.\u2014Had to get\nthe trunks out of the hold. Mrs. Noah wanted her parasol.\u2014Everybody\nmore cheerful.\u2014Had the harpactocaicinus punctulatus out for an airing.\nSomething must be wrong with them. They only walked sideways. Looked\nthem up in the encyclopedia and found they were nothing but common\ncrabs.\u2014Nobody has guessed my riddle.\u2014Mrs. Noah quit kicking about her\ncorns. Now, I know it will stop raining.\u2014Well, the old Dreadnought\nweathered the rain all right.\n\nMONDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014fine.\nWIND\u2014stopped. SEA\u2014blue. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20145.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nPunctually at one second after eight bells\u2014midnight\u2014the rain\nceased.\u2014The day dawned bright and clear.\u2014Deck was covered with wash\nall morning. My, but the sun felt good!\u2014Curried the rust off the two\ndonkey engines.\u2014The ladies began using their kodaks this afternoon.\nI had to pose for my picture.\u2014After supper we all promenaded the\npromenade deck. It was clear tonight so we used the searchlight. Much\ninteresting d\u00e9bris about. It is dangerous to navigation.\u2014Everything\nsmells so nice after the shower.\u2014Shem says he can\u2019t quite tell where\nwe are by the stars, but he thinks we are south of the dipper.\u2014Started\npainting the ship.\u2014Nobody has guessed my riddle.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014clear.\nWIND\u2014balmy. SEA\u2014fine. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20145.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe ladies spent the morning ironing.\u2014I rigged up the deck\nshuffleboard and practised. The list of the ship makes the game\ninteresting.\u2014I find my umbrella comes in handy to keep off the\nsun.\u2014The girls are now afraid they will be tanned.\u2014Sat in steamer\nchair most of the afternoon. Tonight, Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their\nwives are sitting on deck and singing old songs. I won\u2019t be able to\nget asleep. I wonder if they think this is a Cook\u2019s tour?\u2014Had to tell\nthe answer to my joke. I thought Shem would die laughing. The dear boy\ndoes enjoy humour.\u2014We are trying to see who can walk around the deck\nthe greatest number of times.\u2014My nose is beginning to peel.\u2014My, this\nweather is glorious!\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014clear.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014delightful. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u20145.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nStill painting ship. Mrs. Ham caught her dress in it. Poor Ham got\nan awful lecture. She complained to the captain, but I beat it to\nthe bridge. Some women are so funny.\u2014The moon came up tonight. All\nthe young married people are out on deck spooning. It\u2019s a peculiar\nthing how the moon and steamers affect some people. I can hear\nMrs. Noah snoring now. A few hundred years ago we also used to be\nsentimental.\u2014Put up the awnings today.\u2014Walked around the deck 24\ntimes after supper.\u2014Wish there were some nice old school teachers\naboard.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014clear.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy\nweather, and now it\u2019s just the same. This ship etiquette is a\nnuisance.\u2014I\u2019m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don\u2019t know\nwhat has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don\u2019t know\nwhere they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I\nhave four frogs and no tadpoles.\u2014We have thrown overboard 1,119,111\nmicrobes to date. I only need two of each kind.\u2014I\u2019m getting prouder of\nmy animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.\u2014The\nback of my neck is blistered.\u2014Had a bad scare today. Saw what we\nthought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah\u2019s ear\ntrumpets which had fallen overboard.\n\nFRIDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014clear.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made\nthe ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.\u2014Guess\nthe second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for\nmy watch.\u2014The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I\nam there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made\nsome sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on\nmore luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like\nthis. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be\npolite.\u2014Walked around deck 16 times.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014same.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nToday we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and\nsecond cabin.\u2014Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send\nme one if it is good.\u2014Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked\nmany questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old\nyarns. Gave them all my autograph.\u2014If those potato-bugs don\u2019t soon\nlose their appetites we will run out of spuds.\u2014Walked around deck 10\ntimes.\u2014Bath.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSUNDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014same.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear\nweather.\u2014Put on my Sunday clothes today. It\u2019s a nuisance to dress\nin these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to\npull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are\nusually in the trunks in the hold.\u2014These women ask me so many foolish\nquestions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell\nthem how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with \u201cWhat is\nthis?\u201d and \u201cWhat is that for?\u201d If they bother me tomorrow I\u2019m going to\nhide.\u2014Walked around the deck eight times.\u2014We have prunes every Sunday\nnight for supper.\n\nWASHDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014same.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWomen folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.\u2014Now that\nthe wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a\nclothes line.\u2014Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.\u2014The goats\nnearly ate the fish-worms\u2019 pan.\u2014The two mules with the tiger\u2019s skin\nare overeating.\u2014Still painting the Ark.\u2014The laundry on this ship is\nmiserable. My collars are like saws.\u2014I\u2019m getting corns on my hands\nfrom steering.\u2014Walked around deck five times.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY. COURSE\u2014straight ahead. WEATHER\u2014same.\nWIND\u2014same. SEA\u2014same. SHIP\u2019S RUN\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nOne of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn\u2019t let Ham go\nnear the bunkers. If I hadn\u2019t gone down cellar and chased him back to\nhis kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid\nof a little bulldog.\u2014Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks\nin the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to\nrun everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where\nthey belonged. I haven\u2019t any use for these modern notions.\n\nI\u2019m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I\u2019m\ngoing to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I\u2019m running out of\nstone and my chisels are getting dull.\n\nWEDNESDAY. COURSE\u2014I forgot, I\u2019m not going to write that any\nmore.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nSpent the morning writing letters.\u2014Shem called my attention to the\nfact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the\nleft hand side the left side. He says I should say \u201cport\u201d for the port\nside, and \u201cstarboard\u201d for the starboard side\u2014or something like that.\nHe seems to forget this is my first flood and I\u2019m liable to make a few\nmistakes.\u2014Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ.\nHe thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it\nfor breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I\u2019m going to suggest\nomelets.\u2014Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen\ncrosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.\u2014Mrs. Shem took my\npicture again today.\u2014Four of the seven kittens each found seven more\nkittens.\u2014Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah\u2019s cook book.\nThey ought to find something they like in it.\u2014The ravens make a lot of\nnoise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.\u2014Mrs. Noah\nbrings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to\nsee people feed pets at the table.\u2014One of the fleas is lost.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I\u2019m all out of\nbreath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing\nsandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and\nsprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and\nMrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem,\nand only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough\ndancer. He bumped my partner.\u2014Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not\nthink it was becoming because it was cut too _d\u00e9collet\u00e9_. I don\u2019t see\nwhy these old women like to look so young.\n\nMr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they\ncall it\u2014something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If\nthere had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed\nresolutions.\u2014We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de\nCoverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn\u2019t danced\nsome of those dances for over 300 years.\u2014We didn\u2019t have any Egyptian\ndances.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_We had our dance tonight_\u201d]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHad our only real catastrophe today. I\u2019m broken hearted. I\u2019m weeping\nnow. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted\non climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid\nthey would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop\nthe Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place\nwhere the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but\nbubbles. The poor dears couldn\u2019t swim. It was the saddest moment in my\nlife. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good\nfor designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in\nhis words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a\nmyth. All the flags are at half-mast.\u2014Something is making me scratch.\nI notice some red spots on my person.\u2014Took my bath.\n\nSUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014Shem says there\u2019s no fun using the\nwireless unless you can talk to somebody.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been\nsome good ministers.\u2014The candles are giving out. Was struck with a\nbright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle.\nHung it from the chandelier. Great success.\u2014House-cleaned the aquarium\nthis afternoon. I can\u2019t see why the white fish don\u2019t get along with the\nsmoked herring.\u2014Mrs. Noah located that flea.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve. We\nguessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came\nas me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess,\nwho fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth\nappeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a\nfew portholes.\n\nI came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for\nsomeone. They couldn\u2019t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass\nand shook hands with myself. They couldn\u2019t even guess me after that.\nAfterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the\nscent when I shook hands with myself.\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise\nif they die.\u2014Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on\nthe bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I\nwas half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.\u2014Mrs. Shem made candy\nthis afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that\nwoman.\u2014Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk\nabout.\u2014Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.\u2014Caught Ham fishing in the\ngold-fish bowl.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nSpent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep\nthe flies from bothering the poor bugs.\u2014Fed the moths the last piece\nof brussels carpet today.\u2014Those two sphinxes haven\u2019t eaten a single\nthing on the voyage. I\u2019ve read somewhere they only eat mummies.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNothing happened today.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe\u2019re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some\nelectric fans.\u2014That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I\u2019d\nlike to have them for a hat-rack.\u2014Yorick scratched up the flower\nbox. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that,\nI never would have heard the end of it.\u2014It beats me where all these\nkittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMade inventory of cargo. All present. It\u2019s a grand sight to see them\nall lined up. It\u2019s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do\nget mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family\nnever notice it. Anyway, I can\u2019t see the use of giving a fly such a\nhigh-faluting name as \u201cmusca domestica.\u201d\u2014The women folks make a lot\nof fuss over the peacocks. They\u2019re too fancy for me. I like something\nplain like a hippopotamus.\u2014It might be a good plan to catalogue these\nanimals while I have them all together. But I\u2019m not a zo\u00f6logist. I\u2019m a\nshipbuilder and navigator.\u2014My day to eat the egg.\u2014Slipped Mrs. Noah\u2019s\nmuff into the moths\u2019 den. It ought to make good pasture for them.\u2014Took\nmy bath.\n\nSUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT\u2014Do your Christmas shopping early.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices.\u2014We\u2019re over India. It\u2019s a shame we are so close to these\ninteresting places and can\u2019t see them.\u2014Shem says we are nearer the\nhorizon today than any time on the cruise.\u2014Ham can\u2019t see any use in\nhanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I\u2019m captain\nI\u2019m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an\nArk at sea without lights?\u2014No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer\nis broken.\u2014Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nCan\u2019t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in\nthe top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler\n\u201ccoo-coo.\u201d I have tried everything to make them eat. They don\u2019t like\nbird-seed. Now, I\u2019m tempting them with worms.\u2014Took Mrs. Noah\u2019s boa to\nthe moths\u2019 den. I was caught. She won\u2019t talk to me now. That woman is\nheartless. She wouldn\u2019t care if the dear animals starved to death. I\u2019ll\nhave to feed them blotting paper.\u2014Repaired the freezer.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe can\u2019t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHad all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite\nalive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the\nexception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for\ninstance\u2014they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don\u2019t\ncare much for the snakes either. They are the things that got\nmy great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the\ngrasshoppers tried to jump overboard.\u2014Japh, Ham and their wives\nsit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed\nearly.\u2014Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are\ngetting thin.\u2014Seven more kittens today.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nOne of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little,\nseventy-five foot daughter. We\u2019re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed\nher a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It\nwill make a fine fossil for some museum.\u2014Mrs. Noah gave a progressive\nbridge tonight. I had to go. I don\u2019t see why one can\u2019t sit at the same\ntable all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a\nstamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nPosed again for my picture.\u2014Yorick has eaten all the Spratt\u2019s\nbiscuits.\u2014Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break\nhim.\u2014Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.\u2014Fourteen more\nkittens today.\u2014Passed several floating _Verboten_ signs. We must be\nover Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that\ncountry.\u2014There\u2019s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMrs. Japheth made a _faux pas_ this morning. She shouted, \u201cShip\nahoy.\u201d We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw\nsmoke beyond the horizon. If there\u2019s anything to be seen the man on\nthe lookout ought to see it first.\u2014I spend a good deal of time on the\nbridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don\u2019t want a\ncollision. But I guess we won\u2019t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.\u2014Bath.\n\n[Illustration]\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Feeding time in the steerage_\u201d]\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nOne of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when\nwe began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He\u2019ll have seven years\u2019 bad\nluck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back\nto his cage. I don\u2019t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good\nsermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the\nsins of the world. They\u2019ll get that sermon yet.\u2014The cook says we are\nrunning out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.\u2014My day for\nthe egg.\u2014We\u2019re crossing the \u00c6gean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about\nher last voyage.\u2014Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHad the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty\nto animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and\nHam the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She\ntold the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn\u2019t\nlet the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed\nthe megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I\nnever opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that\nI threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin\u2019 out of\nthe teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the\ncrazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn\u2019t\ndo any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.\n\nMrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C.\nA. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I\nhad done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and\nthat she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the\nleopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations\nwere pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first\nwitness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing \u201cmegatherium\ncubieri,\u201d \u201cmegatherium cubieri\u201d and not \u201cmegatherium cubieri.\u201d The\nother witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according\nto my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned\nhe produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a\ncrazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said\nI was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be\na blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously\nacquitted by the jury.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nSpent morning in the monkey fo\u2019csle. I\u2019d hate to think I was a\ndescendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said\nhe had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam\noften declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.\u2014I don\u2019t know\nwhat to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some\ncuriosity or second-hand dealer.\u2014The crane stood on his other leg\ntoday.\u2014I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light\ndown there.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nChristmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says\nI am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is\nreally working.\u2014A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway,\nthey are more practical than kittens. It\u2019s against my principles to eat\npork, so we are going to make them into sausage.\u2014Ham hopes the oysters\nhave little ones. He says he would enjoy a good oyster-stew.\u2014Put on\nmy diver\u2019s suit this afternoon, and went overboard to see if my two\nbarnacles were still on the keel. They were.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Went overboard to see if my two barnacles were still on\nthe keel_\u201d]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe night before Christmas. Everybody hung their stockings before the\nfireplace. Ham wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the funnel. I\nknew if I did he would pile on more coal. The family couldn\u2019t do enough\nfor me tonight.\u2014I finally decided to play Santa Claus. Dressed up like\na real toy-store Kriss Kringle. We had a jolly good time in the cabin.\nDecorated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from the chandelier. I\ncaught Mrs. Shem several times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat\nunder it.\n\nI don\u2019t think they would have known who I was if my beard had not\ncaught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys\nran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but\nthe thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned\nbefore I put out the flames.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Several inches of whiskers were burned_\u201d]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nChristmas\u2014peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what\nwas in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this\nmorning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some\ncigars (haven\u2019t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family\ngave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red\ntie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me\nsubscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair\nof anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor.\nHe\u2019s only 82 and hasn\u2019t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular\nChristmas presents.\n\nWhen I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It\u2019s too\nexpensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such\ninappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.\u2014Had a\nreal plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.\u2014Oh!\nyes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.\u2014We opened\na barrel of candy.\u2014I\u2019m glad the day is over.\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nLit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit\nthe water. The slippers pinch my feet.\u2014Yorick walked in my way today.\nI gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to\nstop kicking her pet around.\u2014Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that\nMrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her\nshe would have to see the deck steward about it.\u2014I wish Ham would work\nmore and draw less.\u2014Took my bath.\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nI would like to see a newspaper.\u2014Those two Texas steers are mighty\ninteresting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants\nwill figure in.\u2014The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the\nmachinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations\ntailless.\u2014Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading\nthe deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives\u2019 sake.\nAccidentally dropped it overboard.\u2014We\u2019re sailing up the Jordan River.\nOf course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has\ntravelled a bit, and continually says, \u201cWhen I was here the last time,\u201d\nor \u201cWhen I was here before.\u201d It is vulgar to talk like that. These old\ntravellers are pests.\u2014Hurrah! the prunes are all gone.\n\nWASHDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nBrought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on deck. Ham had a terrible\ntumble. They wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would be\nundignified.\u2014Band concert tonight. I was the audience. The music\ncaused such a disturbance down in the hold that the band had to quit.\nI never was so grateful to those animals before.\u2014We\u2019re going about \u00bc\nof a knot an hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to go as fast\nas one knot.\u2014There\u2019s another little rattle in the rattlers\u2019 box.\u2014Ham\ntook our pictures today.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nStopped all last night on account of a fog. I\u2019m not taking any chances\nwith the Ark.\u2014Gave the elephants an extra peanut today. Japheth raised\nCain with me. He\u2019s a regular Scotchman.\u2014This afternoon we took Jumbo\nout, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a circus parade. Wish\nI had a motion picture of it.\u2014We also had the races on deck. The boys\nran a marathon. I lost interest\u2014too long. Afterwards I won the potato\nrace.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY. December 31, B.C. 2349.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nIt\u2019s tomorrow now. We all sat around watching the old year out, and\nthe new year in. At eight bells\u2014midnight\u2014the Ark whistles began to\nblow. The family jumped up on the tables, waved flags and blew horns.\nShem opened a bottle of wine.\u2014This is pretty late for me to be up,\nbut I like a party once in awhile. I haven\u2019t had one since the Ark was\nchristened.\n\nFRIDAY. January 1, B.C. 2348.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWished everybody a happy yom kippur.\u2014Am going to turn over some new\nleaves today. Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the Ark,\nto abandon wine, and swear off swearing. I am also going to keep a\ndiary.\u2014We had some fine stewed rabbit for supper.\u2014Received a few New\nYear cards.\u2014I am glad I have resolved to abstain from wine. In this\nantiquity there is little comfort in becoming inebriated. And, then, I\ndon\u2019t like that feeling I have in my head the morning after. It would\nbe a blessing to humanity if someone would invent a remedy for that\npain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes, I\u2019m going to stop, and set a\ngood example to my offspring.\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg. We thought the Ark had run\naground when she cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales, but\nit was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted his mother to make an omelet. I\ndecided, however, to throw it overboard for fear the thing might hatch.\nIt made a fine big splash.\u2014Passed a school of drowned fish.\u2014Cut\nmyself this morning while shaving. I\u2019m going to purchase a safety razor\nas soon as I get into port.\u2014Passed over Paris. Poor girls.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nEntertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which\nwas the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made\nhim go through all his stunts\u2014jump through rings, growl at me, etc.\nThen I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made\nthem juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot\nof other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display\nof the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a\nwash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.\u2014Mrs. Ham gave a lyre\nsolo. She struck several false notes.\u2014Mrs. Japheth sang \u201cAuld Lang\nSyne.\u201d\u2014Ham did a hornpipe.\u2014Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to\nme. It was so full of sentiment I\u2019m going to learn it by heart even if\nI\u2019m not much of a hand at poetry.\u2014Mrs. Noah took up a collection for\nthe wives of the seamen.\u2014I don\u2019t like these ship entertainments. I\u2019d\nrather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_My number was the feature of the evening_\u201d]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nToday Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily\nnewspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief,\nJapheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the\ncartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.\u2014We have another\ncamel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.\u2014One of the crickets has a\nsore chirp.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nFirst edition of our paper came out today. We call it the _Diluvian\nTimes_. Price \u00bd shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of\nShem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.\u2014Played solitaire tonight\nto kill time.\u2014The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.\u2014Am glad our\npaper is such a success.\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe _Diluvian Times_ was again for sale at the news-stand. Ham\u2019s\ncartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with\nhis chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don\u2019t see why.\u2014Twins\narrived at the oyster headquarters.\u2014Twelve more kittens today.\u2014The\nGerman eagle and the British lion are always growling at each\nother.\u2014Tonight I sat around reading the paper.\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHam\u2019s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today\u2019s _Diluvian Times_. I\nlaugh every time I think of it.\u2014The flies are becoming a nuisance.\nThey have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I\ndon\u2019t like their descendants.\u2014Another rhino today. I boxed up the\nstorks.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThere wasn\u2019t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we\ncaptains have to forget a day. I don\u2019t know where the 24 hours go. If I\nwere a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and\ntry to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.\u2014There\u2019s\na cartoon of me in today\u2019s _Diluvian Times_. That impertinent Ham\ndid it. I didn\u2019t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil\neverything.\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo _Diluvian Times_ today. I prohibited the publication.\u2014Spent the\nmorning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah\nand my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.\u2014Mrs. Noah broke\nher curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.\u2014The\npremium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in\n479 years I\u2019ve let it lapse.\u2014We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes\na lot of fuss over the puppy.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nRoof began to crack.\u2014We let the microbes play in the smoke room\nthis morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective\ncages.\u2014That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is\nfond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He\u2019s\nfond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind\nlegs.\u2014One of the lap dogs has the colic.\n\n[Illustration]\n\n[Illustration: _The Engine Room_]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn\u2019t have\nminded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but\u2014oh!\u2014that corn.\u2014The\nalligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for\nthem. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole\ntrip.\u2014My back tooth still hurts and we\u2019re a long way from a good\ndentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham\u2019s faith\ncure. Still it throbs.\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMade up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine\nhome-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the\ntooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted\nsomebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there\nall day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some\npractical joker had tacked up a \u201cno admittance\u201d sign. I\u2019ll bet it was\nHam.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nPulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the\nstring to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it\noverboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don\u2019t\ncare, I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me\u2014I lost that\nanchor.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\n100th day of voyage.\u2014Services. I preached about the dangers young\npeople encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my\nwarnings.\u2014Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was\nnot much fun working for the governor as I didn\u2019t pay him anything.\nHe wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem\ntook my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth\nreminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty\nto eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land\nbecause labor will be so cheap.\n\nHam said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of\nhis fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared\nhe only would succeed as a professor in some college.\u2014My, I wish one\nof my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the\nfamily. I\u2019m glad I haven\u2019t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is\ngetting married, and I\u2019d have a hard time finding good husbands for\nthem.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nMrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard.\nScore 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that\ngame. It\u2019s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.\u2014The boa\nconstrictor peeled himself today.\u2014Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to\nmake rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I\u2019m\nnot going to let them die.\u2014Engineer complains the crows are all the\ntime in the engine room. He\u2019s afraid they will get mixed up in the\nmachinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered\nhim to make a scarecrow.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHam is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I\nsaw a snag ahead. I signalled \u201cstop\u201d to the engineer. Ham came up from\nthe engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I\u2019ll never\nlet him engineer me through another flood.\u2014Exercised the lobsters.\nSomething must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk\nbackwards.\u2014Hoisted the sails to help the coal.\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nShem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score\n100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was\nsteady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.\u2014A little\nmammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.\u2014After tea the ladies\npatched the sails.\u2014The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent\nevening looking at the family album.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me_\u201d]\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nToday all the dog licenses expired, but we\u2019re not liable to run into\nany dog-catchers out here.\u2014We played a new game tonight. Ham painted\na donkey without a tail on a sheet. We all had little tails made out\nof cloth, and took turns being blindfolded, and trying to pin them\non the place where the donkey\u2019s tail commences. I know I would have\nhit the spot because I took a good look before they tied up my eyes,\nbut that villain Ham started me off in the opposite direction to the\npainting.\u2014Mrs. Ham says she does not like to ride on a ship with\npatched sails.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nAm tired of these continental breakfasts, and this condensed\nmilk.\u2014Wish I had saved the library. I have read everything on board\nwith the exception of the old time-table, and I\u2019ll finish that\ntomorrow.\u2014Mrs. Shem gave a tea in the music room this afternoon.\u2014Have\nstopped playing shuffleboard. Nobody will let me beat them at the\ngame.\u2014The two crows like to roost in the lookout\u2019s barrel. The crew\nnow call the place the crows\u2019 nest. Put the scarecrow up there to keep\nthem from interfering with the work of the sailors.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY AND SUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWe are spending the week-end painting the ship. I must live up to the\ntraditions of the sea.\u2014Ham reported seeing a sea-serpent during his\nwatch last night. I don\u2019t know about the serpent but I do know he was\nin the buffet a long time before he went on the bridge.\u2014The company\nthat sold me the coal cheated me. Their slate won\u2019t burn.\u2014This clear\nweather is awfully monotonous.\u2014We officers have worn a rut in the\nbridge where we walk.\u2014One of the big rabbits with a long tail and a\npouch appeared on deck today with a youngster.\u2014Finished the time-table\nthis afternoon.\u2014Took my bath.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHeld a lifeboat drill this afternoon. The crew were not very rapid.\nIt took 1\u00be hours to get the boat in the water. All the ropes were\ntangled.\u2014Had a talking machine concert this evening. Am tired of\nthe records. Wish I could get some new ones.\u2014Not a very interesting\nday. Did not take my watch this A.M. It was cloudy, and the\nsun-dial alarm never went off.\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nAnother lifeboat drill today. Such a blockhead crew!\u2014Still painting\nship.\u2014Tonight I made out a new will. I\u2019m leaving the Ark, my insurance\nand bank account to my widow, provided she never marries again. Shem\ngets my spy-glass, the charts, and this log-book. I\u2019m giving my evening\nrobes, the engines, and the fish-worms to Ham. Japheth is to have my\nrazor, top hat, and other personal effects. I willed the beautiful,\nplush-covered family album, some stock in the Damascus-Bagdad Oriental\nRug Weaving Company, and my mining stock to the girls. The animals and\nthe earth I divide equally among the family.\n\nI gave some explicit instructions regarding my funeral. I want to\nbecome a real fine mummy, bound in A No. 1, four ply tire tape, and\ntattooed by a good undertaker. The case is to be waterproof. I make a\nspecial request that I shall never be exhibited in a museum. But\u2014I\ndon\u2019t want to be a mummy for a few centuries.\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nTomorrow I\u2019ll be a rich man. We are going to have a rabbit and turtle\nrace. Bet all the officers 5 to 1 on the turtle. I saw all the officers\nwinking, but they don\u2019t know I got a tip from \u00c6sop\u2019s animal book. It\nmay be wrong to bet on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the\nfamily anyway.\u2014Held another lifeboat drill today. The boat was in the\nocean in one hour. That was a big improvement. Everything went all\nright, only we couldn\u2019t find the oars.\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHeld the derby today. I\u2019m a ruined man. Threw that nature-faker\u2019s book\noverboard. He was either like most authors, or he had a different\nkind of a turtle. By jove, my turtle hadn\u2019t reached the first hurdle\nbefore the rabbit was under the wire.\u2014Insisted on another lifeboat\ndrill. I don\u2019t know what\u2019s the matter with that crew of mine. Two hours\nwere spent in getting the boat in the sea. I\u2019m not going to let them\npractise any more.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe ice machine broke today. Engineer spent the whole day trying to\nrepair it. I tried also, but the engine was like a Chinese puzzle to\nme.\u2014The poor polar bears are suffering. Ordered the women folks to\ntake turns fanning them.\u2014I am greatly worried.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nStill Ham couldn\u2019t fix that machine. Wish I had brought a good engineer\nalong. He says it works perfectly with the exception of making ice.\nThe ladies threaten a strike on the fanning business. The water in the\nseals\u2019 tank is getting warm. The seals and sea-lions are shedding their\nfur. Have decided to take the Ark to the polar regions until the engine\nis repaired. Of course, I couldn\u2019t find the north pole chart. Shem\u2019s\nastronomy came in to good advantage. He suggested heading for the north\nstar. I just knew his education would come in handy some day.\u2014Tonight\nwe are sailing northward and I wish we were there. This worry is liable\nto drive me to an asylum.\u2014Postponed my bath.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo time for services.\u2014That ice machine still stays out of commission.\nHam blames me. It seems the rule book was thrown overboard the night\nof the storm.\u2014Shem tried to fix the machine this afternoon. He had\nseveral good repair theories, but it won\u2019t make ice.\u2014Mrs. Noah\ncomplains of two sore wrists. Mrs. Ham declares she never did like\npolar bears. I think she would like to see the seals die, and then\nshe would ask for their skins.\u2014We are going like the wind. Ordered a\nforced draught for the engines.\u2014Passed lots of stars. At this rate we\nought to get to the pole in a hurry.\u2014Cooler.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo washing today. The ladies had to stay in the bear pits.\u2014Gave the\nseals an extra fish to keep them quiet.\u2014Ham nearly drives me mad.\nHe has taken the machine apart scores of times, and puts it together\ndifferent every time.\u2014Weather much cooler.\u2014Mrs. Noah took our furs\nout of the moth-ball chest.\u2014Tonight we saw the aurora borealis. To me\nit looked like a kaleidoscope.\u2014The old Ark is certainly flying. We\u2019ll\nbe at the pole before you can say Jack Robinson.\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nCold! The thermometer was frozen when I got up this morning.\u2014We are\nin the ice fields, and getting near the pole. The bears are relieved.\nDon\u2019t have to fan them any more. The seals are again contented.\u2014Mrs.\nHam said she wished she had never seen the Ark. I wish she had her\nwish. She is as much bother as an old maid. And I\u2019m glad there weren\u2019t\nany good old maids to transport.\u2014We are all wearing our furs.\u2014Thank\ngoodness, I can sleep tonight and not worry about those bears.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nIce cold! My beard was frozen today.\u2014At noon we passed over the pole.\nThought I would see something, but I was disappointed. Nothing there\nbut ice and water. I wonder who will say they discovered the place? At\nlast, Ham repaired the ice machine. I overheard him telling his wife\nhe had forgotten to turn on some valve. I am going to discharge him\nas soon as we get on land.\u2014Those bears actually smiled today. They\nseem to enjoy the attention they have been paid of late.\u2014Too cold to\npromenade the deck or stand on the bridge, so I gave the officers a\nnight off.\n\nTHURSDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nWhat the Medes and Persians say about trouble coming in bunches is\ntrue. Now, the heating apparatus won\u2019t work. Nothing like that ever\nhappened when we were down south. At 2.20 the hippo began shivering.\nAt 2.30 the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking. At 3.00 the\nelephants shivered. At 4.00 the bothriospondylus madagascariensis began\nshaking. At 4.15 the Ark shook.\u2014We drove the birds to the boiler room,\nand put the butterflies into the thermo bottle.\u2014Surely poor Job won\u2019t\nhave more troubles than poor me.\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo time for remarks. Busy hot-water bottling the tropical animals.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe Noah family slept in the boiler room last night. I do love the\nfire this weather.\u2014The Ark looks like an iceberg.\u2014We\u2019re going\ndownhill just as fast as those old engines will take us. Passed over\nSpitzbergen this afternoon.\u2014I can\u2019t get down south too soon to please\nme. I\u2019m going to cruise around the Tropic of Cancer until I get thawed\nout.\u2014The women folks are dead tired. It does them good to work once\nin a while. This is the first time they have done anything to pay for\ntheir passage, and they shouldn\u2019t complain. If that fool python would\nonly coil up, he wouldn\u2019t take half so many hot-water bags.\u2014Can\u2019t\nspare the hot-water for my bath.\n\nSUNDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHam burst into my cabin early this morning and said he had repaired\nthe heat. Ordered the hot-water-bottle brigade to stop.\u2014I want to\nsleep in peace tonight.\u2014Services this A.M. Everybody went\nto sleep.\u2014Reached our regular course this afternoon.\u2014I\u2019m thankful\nfor lots of things today.\u2014I\u2019m thankful we are back here in the warm\nweather, that I wasn\u2019t left ashore, that the Ark doesn\u2019t leak, and that\nI haven\u2019t had a mutiny.\u2014Now, I\u2019m going to bed. Put the alarm-sundial\nin the trunk.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThis warm weather is fine.\u2014We had more excitement on board today. The\nfoxes broke out of their cages. We held a hurried council of war. I\nwas elected M. F. H. Shem and I put up the hurdles along the promenade\ndeck, and then I took the hounds out of their kennels. Mrs. Noah and\nI rode the horses, while the others came along on whatever they could\nfind. My wife complained because she did not bring her riding habit. To\nquiet her I let her wear my top hat.\n\nWe had a pleasant ride before the dogs took up the scent. Then the\nchase began. The barking of the dogs was deafening. We finally saw\nthe foxes jumping over the hatches and rainwater barrels. Had a hard\ntime keeping up with the hounds, and I think we would have done better\nif Yorick had kept out of the way. At last, we treed them in an air\nfunnel. Shem went below and smoked them out, and then we chased them\nback to their dens. I was sorry I couldn\u2019t get the tails for the\nladies. We all had a fine breakfast in the saloon after the hunt.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Then the Chase began_\u201d]\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nStiff today. Guess I had too much exercise yesterday. I\u2019m not as young\na man as I was a few centuries ago.\u2014The goose laid an egg. It wasn\u2019t\ngold. I must have brought the wrong goose.\u2014Tonight we held a parlour\nentertainment in the _salon_. Ham did some tricks. I never knew he was\nclever before. He took a rabbit, a gold-fish bowl, a pair of pigeons,\ntwo white rats, and a guinea pig out of my top hat. It was most\nextraordinary. I don\u2019t see why I brought all the animals along if Ham\ncan bring them out of a hat like that.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nWEDNESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHad a narrow escape today. While I was dusting the cow stable the cow\u2019s\nhusband went for me. I didn\u2019t do anything to make him angry. I was\nonly standing there wiping the perspiration from my forehead with my\nbandanna. I didn\u2019t study running for nothing when I went to school. He\nchased me around the boat eleven times before I discovered it was my\nbandanna that offended him. Wonder if that fool bull thinks I\u2019m going\nto carry my white Sunday handkerchief on working days?\n\n[Illustration]\n\nFRIDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nBegan taking soundings today\u201415 cubits of water.\u2014We are just sailing\nalong in our own sweet way.\u2014Escorted the ladies through the steerage\nthis afternoon.\u2014Judging from the manner the dogs are scratching there\nmust be some baby fleas aboard. Won ship\u2019s pool.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSATURDAY. SOUNDING\u201414-9/10 cubits.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nOne of the sponges was quite ill during the night. I soaked him in some\ncastor oil.\u2014This morning I took a piece of parchment. On it I wrote my\nname and address and a note asking the fellow who finds it to drop me a\nline. Put it in a bottle and threw it overboard.\u2014Fourteen more kittens\ntoday.\u2014Took my bath.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSUNDAY. SOUNDING\u2014same.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nToday is Easter. Held a special service this morning. Later Mrs.\nNoah and the girls dressed in their new spring clothes and their new\nbonnets. Those hats were sights. The ladies marched about the deck,\nwhile we males had to admire them as they passed. I must say Mrs. Noah\nlooked a couple of hundred years younger than usual.\u2014She gave me a\nlecture because I wore my bedroom slippers on deck.\u2014Oh! I\u2019ll be glad\nto get ashore.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nNEXT FRIDAY. SOUNDING\u201412 cubits.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nHave not written in the log-book for the past week. It\u2019s a nuisance.\nThe company will probably haul me over the coals.\u2014Weather, animals,\nand family just the same.\u2014Today I thought I would send out a bird to\nsee if there was any land afloat. Tossed up a coin to see whether I\nwould use a red or black raven. Black won. When I opened the window,\nthe raven quoth \u201cnever more\u201d and flew away. Expected her back tonight\nat supper time, but up until now (11.30 P.M.) she has not put\nin an appearance.\u2014Terribly worried.\n\nSATURDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nConfound that raven. She hasn\u2019t showed up yet. That bird has either\nfound land or she is some flyer.\u2014Put the egg she laid in the\nincubator.\u2014This afternoon Mrs. Ham told fortunes with cards. Had\nher tell mine. She said I soon would travel to a strange land, and\nthat I should beware of a tall, striking blonde. She declared I would\ninherit large tracts of land. She also fortuned I would have family\ntrouble, and that I should curb my passion for beverages. That was a\nmean fortune, but I don\u2019t take much stock in these soothsayings.\u2014Ham\nhad a worse fortune than mine. According to his wife, he has dark days\nbefore him, and he has to travel to a hot country and work like the old\nNick.\u2014Took my bath.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_Mrs. Ham told fortunes with cards_\u201d]\n\nSUNDAY. SOUNDING\u2014could not touch bottom with the lead line.\nWe must be over some ocean.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices. Ham spilled the collection plate.\u2014I wonder what is keeping\nthat raven?\u2014Guess I should have sent the old cat. They always come\nback.\u2014Wish it would rain.\n\nMONDAY. SOUNDING\u2014hit ground again\u201411 cubits.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nNo raven!\u2014Today is the 500th anniversary of my marriage. These have\nbeen 500 long, long years. That\u2019s quite a while to live with one woman.\nIt\u2019s our radium anniversary. Did not receive any presents.\u2014By this\ntime I know all her faults. My, I\u2019ve learned a lot in these years. I\u2019ve\nfound that Mrs. Noah never makes a mistake, that I am always wrong, and\nthat everything has always been my fault. It\u2019s funny how these women\nhave their own way. Grandpa used to say it was just the same when he\nwas young.\u2014Just to think\u2014everybody who attended our wedding\u2014preacher\nand all\u2014have passed away.\n\nMrs. Noah dressed in her wedding gown tonight. It has come into style\nagain. It made me think how crazy I used to be about her. I was a young\nskylarker then. She used to sing in the temple choir. Tonight she\nreminded me of a few pet names I used to call her. If what she said was\ntrue, I must have been foolish. I had to tell her that I love her more\nand more as each century rolls by.\n\nSATURDAY. Five days later. SOUNDING\u20149 cubits.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe pigeon left on schedule time. I tied a message to her feet giving\nmy name and nautical position. She first tacked a bit to starboard, and\nthen took a crow\u2019s course to land. At 5.32 P.M. she came back\nwith muddy feet and an olive branch in her mouth. Hurrah! the waters\nare evaporating from off the face of the earth.\u2014I don\u2019t care whether\nthat raven comes back or not. Her egg hatched.\u2014We had fresh olives for\nsupper.\u2014Bath. COURSE\u2014toward that tree.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nTHE NEXT SATURDAY. SOUNDING\u20147 cubits. Everything will soon be\nmud.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nLet the pigeon have another fly. She has either gone with the raven or\nfound another tree. Perhaps someone shot her.\u2014My observations show\nwe are approaching land.\u2014Ham is planning an expedition to find the\npot of gold at the end of the rainbow.\u2014The women folks spent most of\nthe day answering their steamer letters, and reading guide-books. I\u2019ve\nbeen thinking those Peruvian llamas are going to have a long journey\nbefore they get home.\u2014The purser has sold all the postage stamps. The\npostcards are also having a great sale.\u2014Took a bath.\n\n[Illustration]\n\nSUNDAY. SOUNDING\u20145 cubits.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nServices.\u2014Have been reading about Ararat. It\u2019s a mountain 16,964 feet\nhigh. Some authors say there is snow on the top. There must be some\nmistake because olives don\u2019t grow in snow.\u2014Am not sure of the docking\nfacilities. Ham thinks it would be easier to stop the Ark in the\nharbour instead of at the regular wharf.\u2014I will be relieved when the\ncargo pass the quarantine.\u2014Got my money changed by the purser. Now,\nI have to think about tips.\u2014The women folks are bothering me about\nthe time of landing.\u2014Some queer things are happening on the Ark these\ndays. I see the ladies sewing lace where lace doesn\u2019t belong. Mrs. Noah\nwants me to wear her necklace day after tomorrow. She never would let\nme do that before.\u2014Slipped two boxes of cigars in Mrs. Noah\u2019s trunk.\nNo officer will ever think of looking there for them.\n\nMONDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nThe ladies are bothering me about the custom regulations, just as\nthough I hadn\u2019t enough troubles of my own.\u2014Spent the morning packing\nand making out my reports.\u2014Gave the captain\u2019s dinner tonight. It was a\nswell affair. We all came in our evening robes. Ham drew the menus. We\nonly saved enough food for tomorrow. I opened some of the wine grandpa\nmade. Um!! We drank each others\u2019 health all evening. Japheth made a\nfine speech in which he congratulated me on the safe passage. He said I\nwas the greatest captain afloat, and that he would tell all his friends\nabout the line. Mrs. Shem spoke for the ladies. She thanked me for the\nattention I had paid them during the trip. Ham tried to speak, but he\nforgot it. He upset the flower dish.\u2014In replying I said the passengers\nwere the finest who had ever sailed under me. Then I delivered the\nregular captain\u2019s address. I thought their expressions might have taken\na tangible form, but I was disappointed. We ended by singing, \u201cFor he\u2019s\na jolly good fellow.\u201d That meant me.\u2014Sighted the Ararat lighthouse.\n\n[Illustration: \u201c_The Captain\u2019s dinner_\u201d]\n\nTUESDAY.\n\nREMARKS:\n\nPassed quarantine at 9.15. At anchor. Ararat just ahead. Fine big\nmountain, but very muddy.\u2014Saw the raven and the pigeon roosting on\nthe olive tree.\u2014We\u2019re all anxious to get ashore. Guess we will feel\nthe motion of the boat for a few days.\u2014I have decided to retire from\nthe sea, and go in for real estate. Business will be dull for a while,\nbut it will pick up in time.\u2014I\u2019m getting along in years to do this\npioneering work, but it must be done. Posterity worries me a great\ndeal. Why should it? What has posterity ever done for me?\n\nThe animals are making a lot of noise? They smell the green grass.\u2014The\nladies are on deck admiring the rainbow.\u2014We expect to land late this\nafternoon.\u2014I must stop writing, and get up on the bridge to whistle\nfor the pilot.\n\nWell, if we ever have another flood, I\u2019ll know just what to do.\n\nLAND.\n\n[Illustration: _Land_!]\n\n[Illustration]","title":"The Log of the Ark, by Noah; Hieroglypics by Ham","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":13705}