{"collection":"scripture-revelation","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_61151/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_61151","id":"gutenberg_61151","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/61151","summary":null,"tags":["Category: How To ...","Category: Parenthood & Family Relations","Category: Religion/Spirituality","Category: Teaching & Education","Etiquette"],"text":"_Good Form\n                                  and\n                          Christian Etiquette_\n\n\n\n\n                          MRS. S. M. I. HENRY\n\n    [Illustration: Decoration]\n\n                       REVIEW AND HERALD PUB. CO.\n                          Battle Creek, Mich.\n               Chicago, Ill., Toronto, Ont., Atlanta, Ga.\n\n\n                          Copyright, 1900, by\n                          MRS. S. M. I. HENRY.\n\n\n\n\n                               _Preface._\n\n\nLet no one who shall do me the honor to read this little book suppose\nthat I have been \u201claying down a lot of rules.\u201d The most that I have\nattempted is to point out some of those regulations which the\nexperiences of thoughtful men and women of the world have found\nnecessary to good social order, as well as some of those things that a\nlong experience in work for the unfortunate has discovered as requisite\nto the prevention of scandals and consequent ostracism.\n\nTo have seen conscientious young men and women struggling against the\nawful current of popular reproach because of certain things in conduct\nwhich, while innocent to them, have inevitably aroused suspicion in a\nsuspicious world, is to at least wish to help those who have asked help,\nor who are willing to receive it, to the end that they may acquire that\nsort of knowledge which shall enable them to avoid such peril and\ncontempt.\n\nThe questions which appear in these pages are bona fide questions,\nwritten and sent to me by those who asked them for themselves or others.\nThe positions taken are all based on what I believe to be principles\nwhich must lie at the foundation of any social life that would keep\nitself unspotted from the world, and which can be used as a testimony to\nthe gospel in the sight of a wicked and untoward generation.\n\nI have not written for the world. Many writers have done that. Nor have\nI written for the nominal Christian; but for those who are earnestly\nlooking for the best means of serving God and humanity, while they are\nalso looking for that blessed hope,\u2014the glorious appearing of our Lord.\n\n                                                         S. M. I. Henry.\n\n\n\n\n                              _Good Form._\n\n\n\n\n                                   I.\n\n\n\u201cGood form\u201d is especially a society phrase, but it is full of meaning,\nsuch as has a direct bearing on even the life and walk of a missionary.\nIt is of sufficient importance to engage the attention of any who would\nbecome cultured, and is practical and simple enough to become a subject\nof study in the most common, isolated home, in which children are\ngrowing up.\n\nIt is in good and bad form that is found a large share of all that\ndifference which distinguishes the lady or gentleman from the slattern\nand the boor; and in the consideration given to this question of\n_manners_ it is once again true that \u201cthe children of this world are\nwiser than the children of light.\u201d Luke 16:8.\n\nOne of the first efforts that men or women will make if they have an \u201cax\nto grind,\u201d or \u201csomething to borrow,\u201d will be to appear well. If they\nhave anything \u201cto push,\u201d an advantage to secure, which makes it\nnecessary that some influential people shall be \u201cwon over\u201d to some\ncertain way of thinking, they will study every movement, turn, and word;\nlearn tact, self-control, or anything else by which they can hope to\nsucceed.\n\nMany a man has practised facial expression for hours before a mirror,\nnot for amusement, but for _business_; to the end that he might tone\ndown or eradicate certain lines which would make an unfavorable\nimpression upon those whom he met, and has carefully cultivated in their\nplace those that would be sure to give him a better introduction among\nthose whom he intended to use to his own profit or pleasure. This is\nconstantly done in the interests of self, and has often resulted in\nforwarding those mercenary and sometimes criminal ends for which it was\ndesigned.\n\nFor the same purpose men learn grace of carriage,\u2014how to enter and leave\na room, how to moderate every tone; and practise laboriously in private,\nto fix as habit anything which they believe to be desirable, and\neradicate anything that would be a hindrance, so that they may never be\ntaken off guard by any rush of feeling, and so jeopardize the selfish\ninterests which are at stake.\n\nFor the same end little children are put into training of the most\nexacting sort, and grow up almost perfect copies of some great master in\ncertain forms which, while in themselves empty, yet are like buckets,\ncapable of holding anything. And until Christians are willing to labor\nas faithfully to become winsome themselves, and train their children to\ndo the best of all work in the best of all forms, they have not yet come\nto love the truth as the world loves self.\n\nThe truth is to be carried to all people, high and low. A boor, who\nloves the truth, and who is filled with the Holy Spirit, may do a good\nwork in some lines. If he has had no opportunities to know how to carry\nhimself among men, except such knowledge as comes by being a Christian,\nGod will keep him where he can be used, and will use him to his glory,\nand give him sheaves to bring home at last.\n\n\u201cBe a Christian\u201d is an easy answer to the question, \u201cHow shall I conduct\nmyself in such and such a case?\u201d But a man may be a Christian, and yet,\nfor the lack of some specific instruction in certain forms of procedure,\nperpetrate a blunder which will bring the laugh from the profane whom he\nwished to arouse to sober thought; or make a mistake, such as will carry\nand widely scatter a serious misunderstanding by which Christ will be\nreproached and his work hindered.\n\nI am confident that in every home among all good Christian people there\nis a genuine desire to attain to the best training in everything that\nwill make this best of all work go swiftly to the ends of the earth; but\nI am also sure that many have failed to appreciate that \u201c_the_ cause\u201d\nhas a right to be carried by the most perfect methods to which it is\npossible to attain. The truth is worthy of the best of all \u201cgood form\u201d\nin home, church, and social life. Good form does not consist so much in\nputting on, as in putting off\u2014_keeping_ off\u2014those things in deportment,\nspeech, and association which are especially ungraceful, unwinsome,\nincorrect, and improper.\n\nSocial good form, although it seems to be of the world, worldly,\nrepresents just what Christ would do if he were living among men and\nwomen in ordinary social relations. The world has taken the best that\nworldly wisdom can comprehend of the Christ-life, and carefully embodied\nit in a certain code to which it professes to hold itself; to which it\ndoes hold itself in public, whatever it may do behind the scenes.\n\nIt is manifestly true that the man who has the mind of Christ ought to\ngrow, apple-tree fashion, as much of courtesy, gentleness, and all that\ngoes to make an agreeable appearance, as the world can possibly buy in\nthe market of good manners, tie on and wear, Christmas-tree fashion.\n\nIt is by his first appearance that the colporteur will open or close a\ndoor to the truth which he carries in a book, or in samples of health\nfood. His manner in the homes where he is entertained, in public, on the\ntrain, the street, at camp-meeting, or on the platform, will close or\nopen the hearts of even the hungry to the spiritual food which the\nminister is sent forth to serve in the Master\u2019s name. The _manner_ of\nthose who occupy the field will play no insignificant part in the work\nof building up the school, the college, the mission, and in reaching the\nuttermost parts with the gospel; and since the children now under\ntraining in the homes of Christian workers must have a share in the work\nof God in this time when it means more than it ever did for the servants\nof God to carry weights and hindrances, it seems a good thing to take up\nthe consideration of what constitutes \u201cGood Form,\u201d or practical\nChristian conduct.\n\nI have had my attention called to this subject by questions from young\npeople, as well as parents; and this message concerning how to meet\npeople and handle the things of this mundane sphere is to both parent\nand child, boys, girls, and young people, who are preparing for earnest\nwork in the world.\n\n\n\n\n                                  II.\n\n\nSocial life is important to the young; it can not be safely ignored in\nschool life, therefore I must have these interests in mind as I write,\nand shall hope to help both the anxious parent and the thoughtful young\nstudent who would know how to do the right thing at all times.\n\nIt is, however, a great deal more important to _be_ than to _do_; for it\nis out of the _being_ that the _doing_ must come. The point requiring\nthe most anxious consideration is that we may learn to truly know and\nlove the principle upon which safe conduct depends.\n\nHe who loves purity for its own sake\u2014who hates impurity because of its\nvileness, instead of for the painful consequences which follow its\npractise, will never go very far astray from those manners which are of\ngood report in any society on earth. He will instinctively avoid the\nappearance of evil as far as he knows how evil appears.\n\nThere are a few principles which are always a safeguard and defense to\nthose who will be controlled by them, which if woven into familiar\nthought will render correctness in the details of conduct spontaneous\nand inevitable. And yet circumstances may modify this fact. It is\nsometimes slow work to get hold of a principle; and some specific\nteaching as to just what to do, and what not to do, will often be a\ngreat help to even those who are pure of heart, and have a mind to avoid\nthe appearance of evil.\n\nEvery detail of life must take note of the fact that the human unit\ncalled man was created male and female, and must begin his earthly\ncareer as boy and girl, each at best but a half of this unit. This, with\nmany correlated facts, must be kept before us in the process of\ntraining. Up to a certain period boys and girls can play together and\nassociate with perfect unconsciousness of any difference between them,\nbut the careful parent and teacher must be alert with reference to the\ntime when nature awakens, after which their association can only be\nsafely on two lines,\u2014Christian work and general good fellowship; and\nthese always under the chaperonage of some reliable and mature woman.\nThis is especially necessary in all lines of work to which Christian\nyoung people in these days of special activity among the youth would be\nurged, such as missionary meetings, cottage meetings, Sabbath-school,\nhouse-to-house visiting. Without such chaperonage, boys and girls, young\nmen and young women, should never go together, even in Christian work;\nbut girls by themselves, and boys by themselves.\n\nThis is made necessary by the fact that nature has been perverted, that\nthe enemy of all purity has taken possession of every avenue of thought,\neven from the cradle, and has filled the mind of childhood with\nunprofitable imaginings, for which the only cure is the knowledge of the\ntruth pure and simple, adapted to their comprehension, and such\nopportunities for association as shall make them mutual helps without\nstimulating that self-consciousness that leads to curiosity and evil\nsuggestion.\n\nAny allusion which would give the children an idea of the anxious\nthoughts which you entertain for them should be studiously avoided.\nTeach and practise them in all which constitutes true decorum while they\nare still too young to understand its significance and necessity, so\nthat when the time comes that the youth shall need \u201cgood form\u201d habits\nfor the protection of a good name, he will have them already, as a part\nof that second nature which good breeding produces. The first teaching\nwill naturally apply without any reference to sex differences, to that\nconduct which should prevail between a company of girls and boys each in\ncompanies by themselves.\n\nFirst, as to manners in public. Boys and girls should grow up with the\nidea that it is a great deal nicer for girls to keep each other company,\nand for boys to do the same, than for boys and girls to go together.\nTeach your boy to protect the girls of his acquaintance from any\nannoyance which his presence anywhere could produce. Make him understand\nthat carefulness in this regard is the beginning of genuine manliness.\nTeach both boys and girls to be reserved and modest in their deportment\ntoward all other boys and girls alike, boys toward boys, and girls\ntoward girls. That boisterous familiarity among boys together is so\nunbecoming as always to breed contempt.\n\nBy this I would not have my readers infer that good form in behavior\nmust in the least interfere with the \u201cgood times\u201d that children and\nyouth ought to enjoy. It does not prevent that happy freedom which can\nalone make real \u201cplay\u201d possible. Running, jumping, climbing trees,\nshouting, hallooing, can all be done without any violation of a single\nprinciple of good form as applied to childhood life. The trouble is that\nmany parents and teachers have the idea that any form of conduct to be\n\u201cgood\u201d must be grown-up and gray-headed, whereas one of the very worst\nof bad forms is for a child to appear _old_. Good form, the genuine\nsort, like every other good thing, will admit of any conduct which will\npromote strength of body, soul, and spirit. Real strength, which must\nalways include the whole being, is perfectly safe, and a perpetual\nsource of joy in the Holy Guest. Many popular plays and games, however,\nare so far removed from every principle which should control action and\nassociation, that they can not be indulged without rudeness, brutality,\nand in many cases that sort of familiarity which leads to immorality,\nand should be thrown into the heap with all other bad manners.\n\nIt is bad form for two, three, or more persons to walk in an irregular\nhuddle on the street, as children sometimes do, going backward facing\nthe rear of the procession in order that conversation may be carried on.\nEven young children should be taught that the running, leaping, jumping,\nloud talking and laughter, which would be all right in the back yard, on\nsome playground, or in the open country, is never to be indulged on the\npublic street; that the moment the street is reached the deportment\nshould become quiet, and have thoughtful reference to the comfort of the\npublic.\n\nThey should understand the obvious reasons for this: A running child is\npractically a blind and deaf one; he must have plenty of room, or he\nwill be almost sure to collide with something or somebody; in town will\nbe in danger of teams or cars. The rule for the street should be:\nSteady, quiet, careful, eyes to the front, no loud talking or laughing,\nno play, no swapping of knives, no reading, no chewing or eating, no\nclearing the throat or spitting if it can possibly be avoided. If this\nlast is impossible, let it be done in the most unobtrusive manner,\nbehind a kerchief; in short, let nothing be done which would inevitably\ndraw the attention of passers-by, causing special notice and comment.\n\nThe craze for notoriety manifests itself in a thousand repulsive forms\nof street behavior, through which the grossest temptations attack the\nuntaught and careless; and those parents who would protect their\nchildren from many nameless dangers must teach them good form as applied\nto street life.\n\nNowhere does good breeding reveal itself more quickly than in the quiet,\nunobtrusive \u201cI-am-minding-my-own-business\u201d air of the girl or boy, who,\nwith an armful of books held closely, looking neither to the right nor\nto the left, clips to and from school; or if walking and talking\ntogether by twos, it is with steady carriage and voices so modulated\nthat no passer-by will overhear a word, nor think of being jostled.\n\nChildren should be taught by both word and example that when they are\nabout to meet any person on the street they should fall back into single\nfile at the right, while still far enough distant as to obviate all\ndanger of interference. Who has not found himself caught on the street\nin a mob of schoolgirls or boys, often both together, who needlessly\nmonopolize the walk, as with loud talking, wrangling, jesting, jaws\nworking at both words and gum, they publish as upon the housetop the\nutter lack of good form in the homes from which they have come? The\nfirst blame for this disgusting spectacle always falls upon the\nchildren; but in truth it all belongs to the homes out of which they\nhave tumbled pell-mell without that instruction and those fixed habits\nwhich would have insured decorum and decency.\n\nEvery child should be taught to give courteous recognition to\nacquaintances. The boys should lift the cap to each other as well as to\ntheir elders, always to father and mother, if they chance to meet them\non the street; and the girls by some modest feminine salute of bow or\nword. But some one may object that it seems \u201cfar-fetched\u201d to train boys\nto this formal mannerism. To which I reply in the old adage that the\n\u201cboy is father of the man.\u201d The man in every relation in life will\nfollow the lead of boyish habits unless indeed in the interests of some\ngreat conviction or self-interest he makes all things new. This can be\ndone, but even then the traces of early habits will often remain to\nbring shame and confusion at some critical point when pleasure or profit\nare at stake.\n\n\n\n\n                                  III.\n\n\nThe social life of boys and girls should be recognized and provided for\nas a department of the school in which they shall become educated in\nthose things which make for social righteousness and purity later on. As\nboys treat each other, they will, as a rule, treat each other as men. As\nboys and girls behave toward each other, so will they as a rule behave\nas men and women. Courtesy is necessary to the highest degree of success\nin any enterprise. The boy who is habitually courteous toward other boys\nwill be successful in winning his way as a man among men with any\nimportant message with which he may be commissioned; and if he is so\ninstructed that he is gentle, considerate, and true to his mother,\nsisters, and girl associates, he will be a safe friend as a man, a\nrepresentative of Christ to his own wife and children, and help to make\nthat home which must stand as a witness for God in the last days.\n\nThe children in whose interests I am writing must be in a peculiar sense\nmessengers of light to the world. They will be on the field of action in\nthe very last scenes of the earth\u2019s history, when souls must be\n_snatched_ by a power of which we have little comprehension\u2014the power to\n_win quickly_; the power to reveal the truth as in a flash of light, so\nthat it will be recognized at sight by the bewildered, desperate soul\nthat has awakened at the last moment to its peril and privilege, and\nwith scant space for repentance and cleansing, cries out for help; and\nthe Holy Spirit must find somewhere those whom he can train and use for\nthe service which in those days must be done to reach _every_ creature,\nhigh as well as low, with the gospel.\n\nThe truth is worthy of the best possible investment. Its messengers\nshould be free from every offensive habit, custom, and manner\u2014thoroughly\nequipped in all that is most graceful, most scholarly, as genuine\nChristian scholarship goes; most refined, most chaste, and agreeable in\nboth public and private intercourse. They should be the most suitably,\nand that means the most simply and tastefully, dressed.\n\nThe theory of the world considers as \u201cgood form\u201d that each individual\nshould dress according to the _class_ which he represents; and the\nChristian who conscientiously and consistently dresses as his name\n\u201cChristian\u201d would indicate that he should dress, will be respected by\neven the frivolous \u201cbutterfly of fashion,\u201d and will stand a good chance\nof a hearing by that same \u201cbutterfly,\u201d even in the most solemn message,\nprovided it is accompanied with the simple, easy courtesy of good\nbreeding, such as can not be suddenly assumed \u201cfor effect,\u201d but which is\nthe result of life-long training. There are honest souls among so-called\n\u201csocial butterflies,\u201d and some workers must be trained to go out into\nthe _highways_ where they flit away their hopeless lives, as well as\ninto the byways and hedges, where social wrecks are huddled in darkness\nand desolation.\n\nThe men and women who must do this work are now boys and girls in our\nhomes or schools, and very much which shall determine the scope of their\ninfluence depends upon what the Spirit of God shall find available in\nthem for use. A truly well-trained, courteous man or woman can be used\n_anywhere_, among _any_ people; while the uncouth and untrained must be\nkept in a limited sphere. The truly cultured man or woman whose every\ngift and grace has been sanctified and consecrated, will be more sure to\nknow what to do in the homes of the wretched and the haunts of vice for\nthe alleviation of distress and the saving of a soul than those who have\nnever thought it worth while to cultivate winsome qualities.\n\nGod has so arranged human life and relations that even the most\naristocratic and exclusive must take note of, and plan for doing, the\nsame every-day things that are alike common to all; and the only\nquestion of deportment which can ever come between the uncouth and the\nrefined, concerns the methods of doing these same most common things.\n\nThe mother in the humblest home, with the most meager opportunities, if\nshe has a high enough appreciation of the mission to which her child is\ncalled as a representative of the precious \u201cfaith of Jesus,\u201d can, in\nhim, place at the disposal of the Holy Spirit such graces of gentleness,\nsuch a beauty of holiness, such winsome kindliness, such tact and\naddress, as shall open the way for anything which he has to bring. But\nto do this she must begin with the child in his relation to the other\nchildren of his own age with whom he stands on an equal footing. To\ntreat with deference and politeness only those who because of age or\nposition are recognized as his superiors, would train the child to\nsychophancy.\n\nThe man who can _lead_ other men, except by some appeal to selfish or\nbrutal passion, is very hard to find. A \u201c_man\u2019s way_\u201d has passed into\nproverb, and stands for heedlessness as regards his treatment of his\nequals. His natural sense of pity will make him kind to the helpless,\nprovided he can afford it; he will be respectful to the respectable\nbecause his own respectability requires it; and his general interest\nwill lead him to _court_ those who are in a position to bestow favors;\nbut to be all that a consecrated Christian companion might be to those\nwho are on the same plane with himself, or who are so outlawed by public\nsentiment that no accuser but conscience would arise against him for any\nwrong done to them, is the point of failure in the association of men\nwith men and women, and is the result of an almost universal idea that\n\u201cboys don\u2019t need to be so very polite to each other,\u201d nor \u201cso very\nparticular\u201d as to just how they talk when alone among themselves, and\nthat the silly girl or \u201cfallen\u201d among women is legitimate prey for any\nman.\n\nIt is by \u201c_behavior_\u201d that men and women are protected from, or exposed\nto, especial and peculiar temptations, as well as made more or less\neffective in truth-teaching and soul-winning.\n\nIt may seem ridiculous to make the use of a handkerchief the subject of\ngrave consideration, but it is a terrible fact that this little scrap of\nlinen has become more dangerous than dynamite to the thoughtless girl in\nher teens who, for lack of proper teaching, picks up the little tricks\nof street flirtation, which have so defiled it that it has become almost\nindecent to handle it outside the seclusion of one\u2019s own room.\n\nLet a bright-faced girl take her handkerchief in hand on the street of\neven a small country village, and she will immediately become the center\nof attraction to every lewd fellow who haunts public places, until he\nhas found out what she intends to do with it; and the code of signals\nfor which it is employed is of such a character that the most innocent\nmay be charged with a lewd invitation by what might seem to be its\nnecessary use.\n\nThe same is true concerning the sound made by clearing the throat and\nnasal passages, and coughing. These are all used as signals of vice; and\nmany a giddy, but innocent girl has found herself in situations of great\nhumiliation and danger, simply because she had not been forearmed with a\nlittle knowledge as to proper conduct in these matters.\n\nGood form requires that the handkerchief be carried in the pocket out of\nsight; _never_ brought out in public excepting in a case of necessity,\nand then used as unobtrusively as possible. The importance of this\nmatter is sufficient to warrant repetition even to line upon line and\nprecept upon precept.\n\nThose who will be able to do the best service in the closing work of the\nworld\u2019s history, to win the richest trophies for our coming King, will\nbe those who, together with the \u201ccommandments of God and the faith of\nJesus,\u201d and the fulness of the Holy Spirit, will know and observe in\ndeportment that which the world recognizes as good form.\n\n\n\n\n                                  IV.\n\n\nThe whole social problem, as regards pure living, home-making, and\ndomestic comfort, depends on how young people, as such, shall deport\nthemselves toward each other.\n\nSome good people have seemed to suppose that, provided the children were\nconverted, everything else would take care of itself, so that any\nspecific instruction in \u201c_manners_\u201d must be superfluous, if not foolish.\nThis is a fallacy of the same order as that which assumes that if a man\nis called of God to preach the gospel he needs no education or\npreparation, only to stand up, open his mouth, and give his vocal organs\na chance to play, leaving God to do the rest; when the fact is that God\nwill make good use of every faculty, and all the culture that is\nprovided for him, but of _no more_. The name Christian should stand for\nthe very best that is possible in education. Many a Christian man has\nbrought reproach on the name of Christ, not because his heart was bad,\nbut because his manners were. Many a woman of pure purpose, who would\nnot have committed a gross act for the world, has alienated her husband,\nmade her neighbors suspicious, and lost her good name, just because she\ndid not know what things were of good report, and therefore what must be\nof evil report. And these disasters resulted from lack of proper\ntraining in the early home on some points that seem too trivial to think\nabout twice, and which, doubtless, many will feel have no place in a\ndignified discussion anywhere. And yet since these small things concern\nso much of weal or woe, so much of honor or shame, we may well afford to\ntake time for their consideration.\n\nOne of the things most commonly seen, and about which all the world\nsmiles, is a boy and girl standing on opposite sides of the gate which\nopens toward her home. They have walked from school or church together,\nshe has entered and closed the gate, and paused a moment for another\nword; he has taken this as an invitation to linger, and so they stand\nlaughingly or seriously chatting, sometimes long after dark. The world\ncalls it coquetry, but the young people do not mean it as such; to them\nit is probably far removed from every evil thought. They are innocent\nand honest; but you can not make the world, that is looking for evil,\nbelieve that they are not consciously flirting. It will estimate them\naccordingly, and soon begin to say, \u201cThat girl knows quite as much as\nshe ought to;\u201d and the good Christian people of the community will grow\nafraid of her as an associate for their daughters, even if those same\ndaughters do the same thing.\n\nThese children have seen older young people, perhaps mother and the\nminister, stand and talk and laugh in the same way. Some may ask, \u201cWell,\nwhy not?\u201d Because it is not _good form_, because a bad social savor\nattaches to it, because, no matter who does it, unless they are very\naged, or are, like C\u00e6sar\u2019s wife, absolutely above suspicion (and who can\nventure to assume such a thing for himself), they will lose in dignity,\nsuffer in reputation, become the butt of some sly joke from the class of\npeople who need the help that can only be given by men and women who do\nnot \u201callow their good to be evil spoken of.\u201d\n\nIf children and young people form the habit of stopping to talk at the\ngate, they will do it as men and women; and by doing it, draw the evil\neye, and invite gossip. Teach your boy and girl that good form requires\nthat when they arrive at the gate, if they wish to continue the\nconversation, both should go on into the house together; or that, after\nhe has opened the gate and closed it after her, she should promptly say\n\u201cGood morning,\u201d or \u201cGood evening,\u201d and he should as promptly lift his\nhat, and walk away. If they enter the house together, good form requires\nthat he, if he be young or old, should receive a family greeting, and\nthat the members of the family shall be free to come to the parlor or\nsitting-room to which he has been taken, to remain and share in the\nconversation if they wish, until the call is ended.\n\nTwo young people should never suppose that they must sit in a parlor\nwith closed doors; that father, mother, and every one else must be kept\nout of the way because Nellie\u2019s friend (never call him a beau) has come\nto spend the evening. They should never consider it possible to extend\nthat evening into and past the large hours of the night. This is one of\nSatan\u2019s most fruitful wrecking devices, of which the young people will\nnever think, themselves, unless their training has tended to push them\noff away from their natural social guides, and keep bad social models\nbefore them.\n\nWhen the boy, or young man, comes to spend an evening because you have a\ndaughter, give him just as much of yourself as possible; make yourself\nso indispensable to the young people that they will naturally come to\nyou wherever you prefer to sit, rather than try to entertain each other\nwithout you. This is not an unheard of thing, although one will\nsometimes hear Christian people answer to this teaching as if it were\nvery extreme indeed.\n\n\u201cHow then will a young man be able to say anything special to the girl?\u201d\nTo which it may be answered that if he is not able to find some way\nwhich is perfectly consistent with every principle of decorum, he is not\nworth listening to; and if that is true of him, it will be because he\ndid not have his share of the right sort of home life and training.\n\nIn the social world, where Good Form is as binding as the Decalogue is\nto the Christian, fathers and mothers have made it impossible for a\nyoung woman to think of entertaining her young man friend shut away\nalone with him. Strange to say, it has been the modest home, the\nChristian parent, who has allowed Satan to set this trap for unwary feet\nby leaving the young daughter, without one word of instruction, to\nentertain some young man, perhaps a stranger, who passed as her lover,\nshut away in the \u201cparlor,\u201d while everybody was given to understand that\nno one must disturb the mysterious solemnities of \u201ckeeping company,\u201d\neven if they should continue into the small hours. And as a result of\nthis disregard of simple good form, which is as a fence against\nrecognized danger, untold sin and sorrow have resulted.\n\n\n\n\n                                   V.\n\n\nThe most worldly society decided long ago that it is very \u201cbad form\u201d for\nboys and girls of school age to think of _lovers_, of engagements, or of\nmarriage. Not until the day of childish things is entirely passed, not\nuntil a young man has some settled purpose in life, some business or\nprofession which insures an income, does \u201cGood Society,\u201d as it is\ncalled, smile upon any \u201cserious intentions\u201d between young people, and\nevery effort is made to hold the children of the social world to this\nregulation.\n\nAll this is because of the fact which can not be repudiated that\npremature thinking along these channels is unhealthy, and disqualifies\nthe youth for any real earnest preparation for practical life.\n\nThe world theoretically considers these preparatory years so important,\nand education so vital, that with every possible device it seeks to keep\nthe children unconscious of sex, and of the burdens which this\nconsciousness always brings, until they have attained something like\nmaturity.\n\nOf course the world fails, because it is trying to do by sheer force of\nhuman will, and by human methods from outside influence, that which can\nonly be accomplished by the growing from within of a divinely planted\nprinciple. But that which the world is struggling after, that about\nwhich it has made so many laws, has written and talked so much, and in\nwhich it is so often foiled, Christian parents ought to find practical\nand easy, because of the power of the Spirit which always accompanies\nevery truth.\n\nIt is a fact, however, that many worldly homes have succeeded at this\npoint, because they have faithfully taught the principle, even if\nwithout prayer or faith; while many Christian homes have failed, with\nall their praying and so-called faith, because they have ignored the\nprinciple that marriage is for men and women, not for children; and that\nany association which takes cognizance of sex must be for marriage only;\nthat if it is for any other object, it is coquetry, flirting, and\nconsequently immoral.\n\nThis should be so faithfully taught to the growing child, and all words\nand conduct in home and Christian social life should be so under the\ncontrol of this principle, and he should be so taught those habits of\nsocial intercourse which will protect him from premature and unhealthy\nthought, that he shall be able to grow up to the time of his own\nhome-making untrammeled by the entanglements of unhallowed associations\nand their distracting memories.\n\nHere again the boundaries of safety are marked by things which seem\ntrivial. The social world counts it as \u201cbad form\u201d for young people to\neven shake hands upon introduction, because it has found out to its\nshame and disgrace that there is danger in a hand-shake; and I am free\nto say that this social extreme is better than the freedom which\nsometimes obtains, because by that the young people become practised in\na looseness of conduct which opens the way for trouble.\n\n\u201cGood form\u201d toned down from the extreme rigidity of the social world, so\nas to meet the requirements of ordinary Christian intercourse, would\nteach that the hand-shake should be just what its name indicates\u2014a\nclasp, a shake, and then a _drop_. Teach your son that he should never\nplace any lady in the embarrassing position of having her hand\n_crushed_, or _held_ one second; for if she has been properly taught,\nshe will be sure that he is either ignorant, careless, or ungentlemanly\nin so doing; and if she is herself ignorant and careless, if she is weak\nenough to allow her hand to be held, she is in a condition where she\nneeds to be protected from herself; and your son should be able to be\nthat protector.\n\nTeach your daughter that if any man clings to her fingers when she has\ngiven him her hand in friendly, cordial fashion, if he takes the liberty\nof placing his other hand under her elbow, or taking hold of her arm,\nthat it is her privilege and duty to teach him that he has committed a\nbreach of good manners by withdrawing her hand, forcibly if she must,\nand stepping out of his reach. And any young man who is worthy of her\nfriendship will in his heart thank her for the rebuke, and profit by it.\n\nMany a boy who has grown up in a family of sisters, and among their\nfriends, has, in going out into the world, had to suffer over and over\nsuch tortures of chagrin and shame as were almost unendurable before he\ncould learn those little things in \u201cgood form\u201d which should have been\ntaught him by precept and example in his home from childhood; and for a\nlack of the right teaching in this \u201chand-to-hand\u201d relation, many a boy\nhas been taken captive by shameless women, simply because he practised\nin the wider and more wicked world the free habits which were common in\nthe neighborhood life at home, which, while neither right nor safe\nthere, were not absolutely dangerous, because each knew everybody, and\nall were held to respectability by the short rein of close social\nrelations.\n\nTeach your daughter that it is not \u201cgood form\u201d to allow a young man in\nwalking with her to support her steps in any way, unless she has\nsuffered some sudden injury. A sprained ankle would excuse any necessary\nhelp until a carriage could be called; or, if this were out of the\nquestion, until she was taken home. If she must have help, let her take\nhis arm, and _hold on_; but teach your boy never to place his hand on a\nlady\u2019s wrist, and lay her arm along his own, holding her by hand and\nelbow. This is a most vulgar method of supporting any excepting one\u2019s\nown wife, sister, mother, or some aged woman.\n\nThere is no possible reason why any young woman, who is in health,\nshould, even after dusk, need support from any man. She ought to be able\nto keep her place in the road or field, or on the sidewalk, just as well\nas he can, and walk independently of his hand or arm. The notion that a\nwoman must have a man\u2019s arm for support is off the same loaf with all\nthe other nonsense which belongs to all the rest of that \u201cclinging-vine\ntheory\u201d which assumes that she is of necessity so much the weaker as to\nneed his constant attention and care, especially as long as she is young\nand attractive. The _old_ and wrinkled woman can as a rule take care of\nherself.\n\nWoman has been made weaker than man by the sinful habits of life to\nwhich social custom condemned and held her during the Dark Ages. This\nsubjugation was her part of the entailed curse. But from this, with all\nits disabilities, she is to become free in Christ; and our daughters\ntrained in Christian homes should at least be able to walk anywhere that\na young woman ought to go without leaning on some man for support.\n\nHow much more graceful are the movements of men and women as they walk\ntogether, keeping step, but far enough apart so that each is perfectly\nfree, than when locked together by the arms, especially in daylight, on\na smooth path.\n\nAs age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to see a son or daughter\nsupporting the steps of father, mother, or grandparents; but it is a\npathetic scene, the beauty of which depends entirely upon its necessity.\nAs a show of any special regard which two people may have for each\nother, it is ridiculous.\n\n\n\n\n                                  VI.\n\n\nGood form requires that in passing through a door or gate the younger\nshall always stand aside for the elder, and that care shall be taken to\nopen and keep the door, especially if it swings both ways, so that it\nshall not hit any one in coming to.\n\nI was once forcibly reminded of this article of the \u201cgood-form\u201d code by\nseeing a vigorous young college student rush through a door without any\nregard to an elderly woman whom he met in the passage, and whom he\nalmost knocked off her feet in the encounter, leaving the outside door\nto swing back against her slender hand as she caught it to prevent its\nhitting her in the face. He seemed utterly oblivious to the fact that he\nhad met any one, and by this unconscious rudeness he published abroad\nthe fact that he had been reared in utter disregard of ordinary\ncourtesy. This young man is trying to do what is right; he wishes to do\na good work in the world, but he is destined to feel the handicap of bad\nbreeding, for which he is not responsible. He will be responsible,\nhowever, for continuance in bad form; for bad breeding may be made\ntemporary in its effects by an earnest purpose to replace it by true\nculture. I knew a young man whose birth and surroundings in boyhood were\nas unpromising as could be imagined. His father was a very low,\nignorant, drunken fellow, unclean and disgusting in all his habits, even\nwhen sober. His mother could neither read nor write, although she was\npossessed of intelligence and many true, womanly instincts, such as made\nit possible for the hovel in which they lived to bear some semblance to\na home. This boy, who was the eldest of a large family, was bright\nenough to attract the attention of a \u201cdistrict visitor,\u201d was clothed,\nand taken to the Sunday-school, and from thence went on through a career\nof self-denial, self-training, and culture, always seeking the best\nthings, holding every advantage gained from point to point, finishing\nhis preparatory work as one of the most polished and consecrated young\nmen of a large college circle, paying his way by skilled labor in a\nmachine-shop for a few hours each week, while he was being equipped for\na large field of usefulness. He became especially distinguished for the\nelegance of his deportment toward all with whom he chanced to be brought\ninto association. It was often said, \u201cHe never forgets himself,\u201d \u201cHe\nalways does the admirable thing,\u201d \u201cYou can depend on _him_ to do the\nelegant always,\u201d and the beauty of it all was that this was a part of\nhis Christian life. He was always wanted, but the social world that\ncoveted him knew that he could not be _had_ for anything that was\ninconsistent with Christ.\n\nTeach your boys and girls this principle of deference to their elders,\nby example, as well as precept. Bring them up to practise it, with every\nother expression of cultivated manners, among themselves as brothers and\nsisters. The elder ones should, of course, never demand deference; that\nwould be the worst of all bad forms. No true lady or gentleman will ever\nnotice any disregard of personal rights. To demand this recognition, or\nto manifest resentment at its omission, is to forfeit one\u2019s claim to it;\nbut let each be ready to recognize the right of seniority, and that it\nis at least graceful for the younger ones to yield place and position to\ntheir elder brothers, sisters, and friends.\n\nA well-bred girl or woman will open and hold the door for an old,\nelderly, or feeble man; will enter after him, and close the door\nherself, although he, if he has been trained in the habits of the \u201cold\nschool\u201d of gentlemen, might insist on rendering to her the courtesy due\nher sex, and wait for her to pass, even if she should be young enough to\nbe his granddaughter; but it will be a gracious act for her to\nunobtrusively hold the humbler place which properly belongs to her, and\nwait until he passes in, unless, as might sometimes happen, she would be\nin danger of attracting undue attention by making longer effort to\nthwart his courteous designs, as well as possibly cause delay to others.\nIn such a case she should quietly thank him, and pass on as quickly as\nshe can without haste, so as to get out of the way.\n\nAmong men and women of the same generation it is expected that a man\nwill be always ready to perform all those little chivalric courtesies\nfor women everywhere which he would like other men to tender to his own\nmother, sister, wife, or special friend, and _no more_. For a boy or man\nto treat any other woman of the same age better than he treats his own\nmother, sister, or wife, reveals the bad, disloyal heart which will\ntaint the very best social \u201cgood form\u201d with corruption. To demand from\nothers for one\u2019s personal friends better treatment than he himself\ngives, is to at once publish that he is guilty of the most contemptible\nform of selfishness.\n\n\u201cI let no man abuse my folks but myself,\u201d was the frank confession of a\nyoung man who was always ready to fight any one who would treat his\n\u201cfolks\u201d with anything like the neglect and disrespect that was his\nconstant habit.\n\nThe little attentions which should become habits in youth, because they\nhelp to that appearance which will serve as adornment to every good\ndoctrine, is the placing of the chair in the most comfortable position\npossible for another; seating grandfather or grandmother, father or\nmother at the table; the adjustment of a light; picking up the article\nthat has been dropped; not waiting to be asked to help if you should see\nthat father, mother, or in fact, any one else, is looking for something\nwhich they do not seem to be able to find quickly, or if they are trying\nto save your steps by getting along with some inconvenience which you\ncan see might, by a little effort on your part, be made to give place to\nconvenience.\n\nNothing is ever lost \u201cin the long run\u201d by that sort of thoughtful care\nfor others which is known as politeness. In traveling, or in passing in\nand out of a crowded church or hall, the truly well-bred man will never\nbe found struggling in the midst of a jam to get through the door into\nthe best seat, or up into the train before any one else. If he should be\ncaught in a jam, he would not elbow people right and left; but would,\nwhile protecting his own person and those who are dependent upon him\nfrom injury, find his own chance of getting out of the tight place by\nhelping others out.\n\nIn this selfish world nothing so quickly touches the popular heart as\nthat sort of Christlikeness which is recognized as politeness to\nstrangers in public places, and as carefulness in helping the weak, and\nin refraining from adding burdens to those who are hard-pressed by\nresponsibilities. The man or woman who obtains control of the highest\nquality of influence is the one who has either from childhood been\ntrained to think those thoughts that blossom out into beautiful\nconsiderateness, or who has taken himself in hand, and by vigorous\nself-training has pruned off the growth of selfish heedlessness, and\ngrafted in the gentler graces of the Spirit.\n\nOne W. C. T. U. lecturer had been painfully impressed by the fact that\nbaggagemen had to handle such heavy trunks. This was before so many\nlittle wheeled contrivances had been placed at their disposal. She\naccordingly supplied herself with two small trunks in place of the one\nlarge one, for no other reason than to save the backs of the men. Her\nkind intention was kept to herself for years, and it went unrecognized\nat its full value until at length one day she encountered a grumpy old\nbaggageman, who seemed to have a special grudge against any woman with\ntwo checks. He was from the first moment very uncivil, and threatened\nher with a charge for excess of baggage. She said but little, only went\nquietly along the baggage-room with him, identified the two diminutive\nparcels, and waited. He looked at them, then at her, colored like one\nwho was ashamed of himself, and said:\u2014\n\n\u201cBe them all?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, those are all.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, what made you make two of \u2019em?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is my way of helping to lift one big trunk,\u201d she said.\n\n\u201cYour what?\u201d\n\n\u201cMy way of helping you to lift one big trunk.\u201d\n\n\u201cIt is? Well, I never! You did it to save our backs?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes: I never wanted any old man or boy to strain himself over a big\ntrunk for me, so I divided mine in two.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell!\u201d ejaculated the grumpy old fellow, who evidently did not know\nanything more to say. His whole heart had suddenly mellowed, his eyes\ngrew red, and his hands trembled as, taking off his cap, he changed\nthose checks with the air of one who was performing an act of religion.\n\nWhen he came with the two little bits of metal to the waiting passenger,\nstill carrying his cap in his hand, and when she took them with a \u201cThank\nyou,\u201d and put them in her purse, he looked timidly into her face as if\nto see if he could possibly be forgiven. She chose not to make much of\nthe incident, so she did not seem to notice his perturbation, but with a\nsimple \u201cGood day,\u201d left the baggage-room. But she knew very well that\nthat old baggageman would never forget, and would perhaps be kinder to\nall the big trunks in the future for the sake of those little twin\nproducts of her kind intention.\n\n\n\n\n                                  VII.\n\n\n\u201cHow I wish I knew just how one ought to behave in going into public\nplaces, meetings, and lectures,\u201d said a young woman recently. Others\nhave asked similar questions. I have heard something like this more than\nonce: \u201cIsn\u2019t it dreadful not to know the little things that would\nprevent folks from looking at you and smiling in such a mean way?\u201d\n\nIt is \u201cdreadful,\u201d as well as unnecessary that children should be left to\ngrow up ignorant of any of those things, great or small, which will make\nit possible for them to enter the schoolroom, the church, the hall, and\nmove about in such a manner as not to be objects of unpleasant\nobservation to those who make politeness a profession.\n\nAll that has been said about the opening and closing of doors, and the\nrules of precedence, are always in full force, and should become so\nautomatic that they will never have to be _remembered_. Even at home,\nand in the small country schoolhouse place of worship they should be\nobserved, if one hopes to always do the \u201cnice way.\u201d\n\nIn a small congregation where \u201ceverybody knows everybody,\u201d there is a\ngreat temptation to fall into very lax manners, and so to cultivate\nhabits that are hard to overcome, and which will cause chagrin by and by\nto the young man or woman who wants to appear well among strangers.\nTherefore it is wise to train the children to such deportment in the\nsmall church, or cottage meeting that they shall never be in danger of\nbringing reproach on the home which they have left behind them, by\nuncouth or disorderly behavior in any public assembly.\n\nAny place of worship should be entered quietly, children and parents\ntogether, single file, in such order that there will be no jostling,\ncrowding, or changing of places. There are two ways of seating a family,\neither of which is good form. In one case the father enters first,\nfollowed in order by the mother, the youngest child, and then the others\naccording to age, so that the eldest comes last. At the opening to the\npew, or row of chairs, the father turns, standing to face the others,\nand waits until all have passed in and are seated, when he takes his\nplace at the entrance. This arrangement gives the mother the seat in the\nfarther corner, with the \u201cbaby\u201d beside her, while the eldest child is\nnext to the father.\n\nIn the other case the eldest child leads, and passes into the farther\nend of the seat, followed by the other children in such order as to\nleave the \u201cbaby\u201d next to the mother, who sits in the second place from\nthe end, beside her husband.\n\nSometimes when there is a large family, it is necessary to separate the\nchildren by placing the mother in the midst of them between two restless\nones. But whatever order is necessary, let it be so matter-of-course\nthat the coming in and seating shall be in that decorous manner which\nwill impress the children with the sacredness of the service for which\nthey have come.\n\nTeach the child that in entering a seat or row of chairs, good form\nrequires that he shall pass clear in to the farthest vacant place, or\nthat if he has dropped down in the end or middle of the row, and others\ncome to claim seats beyond him, he should always either arise, come out\nand stand to allow them to pass in, or himself go on to the farthest\nplace. Teach him, never, under any circumstances, to make it necessary\nfor any one to climb over his feet and legs to reach a vacant place.\nThis is one of the most common and worst forms in which bad training in\ndeportment manifests itself.\n\nAlso teach your child to refuse to climb over anybody\u2019s feet. Instruct\nhim either to wait for a decent chance to enter that seat or to find\nanother. The ludicrous, not to say unbecoming appearance of a woman who\ntries to drag herself over the knees of some man who remains immovable\nin the end of the seat, or who attempts to draw himself up to \u201cmake\nroom\u201d for her to pass, is entirely out of harmony with the spirit which\nshould prevail in a place of worship; and the young man coming from home\nwith this habit, which has been formed by climbing over his brothers and\nsisters, as well as parents and guests, and letting them climb over him,\nwill be left some sad day to wonder why people stop at the entrance to\nthe pew where he sits, wait an instant, look at him so queerly, and then\npass on, as if they were not willing to occupy the same seat with him.\nHe may think it is because he is from the country, because he is not\nstylishly dressed, because they are very \u201cstuck up,\u201d when it is simply\nbecause they do not choose to climb over his legs to find a seat.\n\nBut your daughter should be so taught that if she must stand in the\naisle and wait for some man to get it into his head that he had better\nmove on, or come out so as to allow her to pass, she shall do it kindly\nand without contempt; for, of course, the poor fellow would do better if\nhe only knew how.\n\nTeach by precept and example that wraps and rubbers should not be put on\nuntil after the benediction. If your boy should grow up to the dignity\nof door-keeper in the house of the Lord, he should know that extra seats\nshould never be removed from the aisles, nor doors be opened, until the\nlast \u201camen\u201d has been reverently uttered.\n\nI believe that reverence and a proper understanding of the meaning of\nthe sacred hours of worship would be wholesomely inculcated by the\npractise of sitting down in silence for two or three minutes after the\nbenediction, or long enough for any necessary things to be done, such as\nthe orderly passing out of the congregation might require.\n\nGood form requires that there be no loud talking, visiting, laughing,\nbustling, or confusion of any sort in the breaking up of a congregation.\nIn fact, instead of a breaking up, it should be a melting away, each for\nhimself seeking to hold in thought, and carry with him all that is\npossible of the subject which has been considered, avoiding everything\nwhich tends to dissipate or to divert the mind from its contemplation.\n\nThis is the good form which _nominal_ Christians require and teach. It\nis only the _form_, if you please, at the best dead, by which the\nworldly professor seems to be trying to make up what may be lacking in\nreal spiritual worship; but that very fact proves it to be more than\nordinarily worthy of consideration and adoption by the most spiritual.\nUpon the same principle that our righteousness must exceed the\nrighteousness of the scribes and Pharisees should our courtesy and good\nbreeding exceed that of the most cultivated people of the world.\n\nThat behavior which everybody recognizes as becoming the house of the\nLord, is that which would most certainly distinguish Jesus if he should\ncome in among us; and the true worshiper who will clothe himself with\nthese gentle, Christlike graces of conduct will be no less truly a\nChristian, while he will certainly be more quickly recognized as such.\n\n\n\n\n                                 VIII.\n\n\nOne of the evils which the good-form code is intended to control is that\nof the money and gift obligations, and the part they play in the\nassociation of young people; and in this the burden of preserving the\njust balance falls upon the young woman, although it is equally\nnecessary that both boys and girls shall be so instructed that they\nshall each contribute an equal share of that mutual protection which\ngood form is intended to assure.\n\nA sentiment still lingers in the social world\u2014a relic of medieval\ngallantry\u2014to the effect that a young man must grant anything that a lady\nasks, even if, to secure it, he must risk his life, or character, or the\nlast \u201cquarter\u201d with which he was to buy his dinner. This asking on her\npart need not be really _asking_: it may be only suggesting, or\nconsenting to accept. She may only exclaim, \u201cOh, wouldn\u2019t a sleigh-ride\nbe just too lovely for anything!\u201d She may have become naughty enough,\nwithout intending any harm, to say this on purpose to make the boy whom\nshe delights to tease begin mentally to count over his small supply of\nchange to see if he can possibly afford the rig. Girls have been known\nto take a queer sort of delight in leading a young fellow on to spend\nhis last penny, to contract a debt, and go hungry, because he did not\nbravely refuse to take the hints that were intended to lead him into\nexpenditure such as he could not afford.\n\nNo girl who has been properly trained, or who has truth and the elements\nof womanliness within, will ever resort to any such expedient for her\npleasure, but will keep herself from all or any such social\nentanglements as would lead to anything so base. She will not allow a\nyoung man to place her under obligation, even to the extent of car-fare.\n\nTeach your growing daughter that to receive a gift of any sort from any\nboy or man outside of the immediate circle of intimate, well-known\nfamily friends, is dangerous, if not disgraceful. Gift-giving and\ngift-receiving has come to be a vice. It is often intended as a sly,\ncovert method of _buying_ you. Gifts are employed for \u201cpadlocking the\nmouth\u201d of those who know something which, if told, might spoil some\nselfish or criminal plot; and this is by no means confined to Tammany\nHall.\n\nMany a girl has kept some dangerous bit of knowledge hidden in her\nsecret thought, and has been compromised by it, simply because she had\nthoughtlessly accepted some bauble from some man whom she supposed to be\na friend until, the ulterior motive being revealed, she discovered that\nthe gift was a bribe, and its possession a confession of dishonor; and\nthen she has found herself in a great strait between her desire to be\nfree and yet to keep the trinket.\n\nI had given a plain talk to a company of schoolgirls; and many questions\nhad been passed up to me, in answering which I had touched some of these\npoints. At the close of the meeting, a few girls lingered to speak to\nme, each waiting to ask some questions \u201call for herself alone.\u201d So while\nthe others waited at a safe distance, they came, one by one, to whisper\ntheir perplexities in my ear. How my heart was taken captive by those\ngirls, as with shamefacedness, with trembling lips and burning cheeks,\nthey asked me questions which were revelations both of the lack of early\nhome teaching and of the methods by which an evil world had tried to\nmake them wise!\n\n\u201cI have got afraid of a lovely necklace that _my friend_ gave me,\u201d said\none of them. \u201cI\u2019ve wished a hundred times he hadn\u2019t given it; but what\nin the world can I do with it?\u201d\n\n\u201cSend it back to him,\u201d I said; \u201ctell him you know more now than you did\nwhen you accepted it, and that you can not keep it.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut that would make him furious. I\u2014I\u2014dare not make him angry.\u201d\n\n\u201cThen if he is so dangerous, you certainly dare not have him for a\nfriend. If he is worthy of your friendship, he will understand and\nrespect you all the more for this course. If he is not worthy of your\nfriendship, the sooner you find it out, the better.\u201d\n\n\u201cO\u2014but\u2014,\u201d and the poor girl burst into bitter weeping. Then after a few\nmoments, with a sudden firm resolution expressed in her face, she dried\nher eyes, looked up at me, clasped my hands as if to hold herself by\nthem, and said, \u201cI\u2019ll do it,\u2014I\u2019ll do it right off,\u2014and if he wants to\nmake it hard for me, he may. _I\u2019ve kept honest_,\u2014God knows I have,\u2014and\nhe knows it, though _he_ hasn\u2019t helped me, as he said he would.\u201d\n\n\u201cHe promised to help you?\u201d I asked.\n\n\u201cYes, he did; he said I could trust _him_; that he\u2019d never let a girl be\ncompromised in his company in the world; but if I had done, and gone, as\nhe insisted, lest if I didn\u2019t he would have been provoked, I should have\nbeen talked about long ago. I thank you so much. I\u2019ll get rid of it. He\nmay have his old necklace, and keep it to give to his wife.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is right,\u201d I said. \u201cShe is the only one who can wear or own it\nwith safety.\u201d\n\nThe young man with a good heart, who is well taught in that which is\nbest in good form, will never offer to any lady outside his own\nimmediate family circle any gift but flowers; and those in the most\ndelicate unobtrusive manner, such as will leave her, in receiving them,\nabsolutely free to pass them on to some hospital patient if she chooses.\nTo make her feel, by even a look, that she is under any obligation to\nwear a flower because he sends it, is to rob it of its fragrance and\nbeauty, and make it fit only for the dust heap.\n\nBecause of the possibilities which I have suggested, and many others to\nwhich they lead, good form requires that a young lady shall make it\npractically impossible for any man not intimately related to her to\nspend any money, or force any gifts, upon her.\n\n\n\n\n                                  IX.\n\n\nI should not do my whole duty if I did not make some reference to the\n\u201choly kiss,\u201d nor yet contribute what I can to enlighten the mothers who\nhonor me by reading my book concerning the universal but almost\nunspeakable questions that are always coming into the minds of young\npeople about this sacred form of salute. _You_ may know as much about\nthese questions as I do, perhaps more; but there is many a mother who\nnever dreamed that they could infest any brain but her own, and she\nnever dared speak of such a thing.\n\nOne girl came to me, her face suffused with blushes, but with a\ndetermined expression about her mouth, and said:\u2014\n\n\u201cI am going to ask you something right out plain, because I think you\nwill not laugh. I\u2019ve never dared ask anybody yet, because everybody\nalways laughs in such a mean way if you try to find out anything about\nsuch things; and I\u2019d like to know how girls are going to know just what\nto do. Now it\u2019s just this way: I am going with Charley, and he is a nice\nboy; he wants to do what is right, I know he does, but all the boys have\nsuch queer ideas about their \u2018rights.\u2019 When he takes me home from church\nor any place\u2014and I\u2019ve just got so I dread to have him; and sometimes I\nthink I won\u2019t go with another boy as long as I live, because, you see,\nwhen I go to say \u2018Good night,\u2019 he\u2014he thinks I am so queer because I\nwon\u2019t let him kiss me. But I won\u2019t; I never let anybody but my own\nfolks. I don\u2019t like it. I don\u2019t think it\u2019s nice to do that way unless\nit\u2019s somebody you\u2019re sure of, and love very much. He says I\u2019m queer; and\nhe gets provoked, and says it\u2019s his right, if he goes with me. Now I\nwant to know\u2014is it?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo; it is not,\u201d I said, positively, and perhaps with a little flavor of\nindignation. \u201cAnd no properly instructed young man would make such a\nclaim. He is not to blame, of course,\u201d I added more mildly, \u201cfor he is\nyoung, too; but your instincts are all right; they are true; they are of\nGod who made the kiss, and gave it its own place in common human\nlanguage. It belongs to the home, and to the purest Christian fellowship\nbetween man and man, woman and woman; _to society, never_.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, I am so glad I asked you!\u201d she said; \u201cfor I was sure my feeling\nabout it was right. But you know one doesn\u2019t like to offend one\u2019s\nfriend, and one doesn\u2019t like to be called queer. But what does make boys\nact so,\u2014good boys, too, for Charley _is_ a good boy?\u201d\n\nI can not bring into the compass of these pages all that followed in our\ntalk, but I would like to give the points of truth to the young mothers\nfor whom I write.\n\nThe answer to my young questioner is found in the fact that boys, as\nwell as girls, have been left in ignorance of the principle, as it is in\nGod, of which the kiss is one form of expression, and have been left to\ncatch up its perversion as Satan has undertaken to work it into custom\nand habit, in the world. Anything which Satan can not wholly spoil, he\nwill counterfeit; or, better yet for his purpose, make so common, if\npossible, that it shall become worthless, as was the case with silver in\nthe days of Solomon, when it became as the stones of the street, and\n\u201cwas nothing accounted of.\u201d\n\nThe kiss, made common, is ridiculous. To be worth anything, it must\nspeak exclusively the language of a pure, changeless affection, such as\nis represented in the love of God for his children. It belongs more to\nthe parent and child, brother and sister, than to friend and companion.\nIt is, as before intimated, fraternal, not social. As soon as any\nattempt is made to drag it into society, it becomes disgusting, and is\nalways soon driven out by storms of ridicule. Therefore good form has\ntaken it in hand, and has determined its sphere and office with the most\narbitrary insistence. And again the voice of society is but an echo of\nthe voice of truth and purity. Good form has decreed that the kiss,\npublic and indiscriminate, is either an indication of unmitigated\nrusticity, of shameless immorality, or is to be understood as a\njoke,\u2014very funny on its first spontaneous utterance, but very flat if\nrepeated. Indulged in private, outside the sacred boundaries of the\nfamily, between men and women, it is unpardonable,\u2014unatonable, at least\nas far as the woman is concerned. Good form requires that every young\nlady shall be so well trained that she will keep her lips absolutely\nuntouched for her husband, _after_ the words have been spoken that make\nhim her husband.\n\nThe \u201cbetrothal kiss\u201d of the romancer has been brought under suspicion in\nreal life by the fact that betrothal is, in our day, not by any means\nequivalent to marriage; and the young man who knows the world, and yet\nsufficiently regards truth and purity to seek them in a wife, would\nvastly prefer to find his lady friend rigidly determined to keep her\nlips to herself as long as they two are yet twain, rather than to find\nthem always at even his command.\n\nIn the correspondence that has come to me as a result of \u201cStudies in\nHome and Child Life,\u201d is to be found pitiful evidence of the ignorance\nin which young people are allowed to grow up, even in a matter which may\nseem, like this one, trivial and bordering on the ridiculous.\n\nThe habit among children of kissing everybody is little short of\nvicious. Kissing games of every description are considered vulgar,\nanywhere outside the immediate family circle, and even then, because of\nthe trend of habit, they are not good form.\n\nThere is great possibility of infection in the kiss. The remains of old\nteeth, the breath and lips of those who are in any wise diseased, make\nkissing dangerous. It is well-nigh impossible to find a clean, sweet\nmouth in these days of human degeneracy; and because of these facts the\nlittle children are exposed to every malignant disorder that is afloat,\nand many that are hidden deep in the foul cisterns of the broken-down\nbody of grandparents, father, mother, and the strangers who straggle in\nand use their \u201crights\u201d on the freely rendered lips of the little\ninnocents.\n\nThe warnings of science, of which so many make light, are timely, and\nshould be religiously regarded as the authority of God by every one who\ndoes not know within himself that he has so faithfully brought his whole\nbeing into conformity with every law of life and health that he is clean\nthrough and through, so that the sensitive lips of his babe can come to\nhis with the same certainty of a blessing in the caress that the bee has\nwhen he goes to the white clover of the meadow.\n\nHe, and he only, who has brought himself fully into harmony with both\nthe letter and the spirit of Isaiah fifty-eight may freely give his lips\nto his child, out of which to drink his fill of love. And the home that\nis brought into this beautiful accord with Christ may be as the garden\nof the Lord, from which all lips shall, with every caress, gather that\nword of life that is sweeter than honey.\n\n\n\n\n                                   X.\n\n\nThe time is at hand when the truth must be taken into every lane and\nwalk of life\u2014into king\u2019s palaces, into halls of learning, into banquet\nrooms, and into homes of refinement and culture, as well as to the\nhaunts of poverty and crime; for the whole earth must be filled with the\nknowledge of the Lord. No soul must be left to arise in the second\nresurrection and say, I did not know the way of life, or I would not\nhave been here. There are being prepared in all Christian homes those\nwho shall become the messengers of this gospel of the kingdom to every\nrank, grade, and condition among men.\n\nThis is a consideration for every Christian mother and father. As among\nthe children of Israel every maiden held in her heart the secret hope\nthat she might be the mother of the promised seed of David, so now,\nhowever humble and far away from every center of influence your home may\nbe, however meager its furnishing, however much you may seem to lack\nincentive to noble effort, there should be inspiration in the thought\nthat the little child playing about your feet, whose life and habits you\nare molding, may be one who shall be called to bear the vessel of the\nLord, which is his Word, filled with the holy oil of his Spirit, before\nsome council of earth\u2019s great men, and to answer for the principles by\nwhich the world is to receive its final test.\n\nBy this I do not mean that he may be called to suffer\nmartyrdom,\u2014although that is possible\u2014but I refer to the fact that he may\nhave the yet grander ministry of standing up to be quizzed and\ncatechized by those learned in the wisdom of the world concerning all\nthat he has been taught of Christian principle, health, disease, and\nlife in the Holy Ghost.\n\nUnquestionably, this work is waiting for some select few of our young\npeople in the not far distant future. Some great council of physicians\nwill wish to know all about what the medical missionary physicians\nteach, and why; the chemists of the world will wish to know the\nphilosophy of the system of dietetics which will keep the temple of God\nin repair; and, as is almost always the case among the people of the\nworld, there will be eating and drinking on a large scale connected with\nall these investigations; and your boy or girl may have to accept the\nplace as guest of honor at some such feast, and carry himself\n_elegantly_, for Christ\u2019s sake and the truth\u2019s; for the banquet, the\ndinner, the lunch, play an important part in all social affairs to-day,\nand will until the end of probation.\n\nIf a man of means and social standing becomes interested enough in what\nyou know of Christ to hear you out on it, he will make you a dinner,\ninvite a few friends, and give you a chance to talk and tell all you\nknow. And if you know how to take advantage of the opportunity\u2014how to\navoid giving offense by your manner of speech and habits of conduct; if\nyou know how to charm and win by your personality, you have placed at\nthe command of truth an instrument that can be made effective where,\notherwise, no entrance could be gained.\n\nNowhere is the observance of good form more necessary to one who has\nwork to do in the social world than at the table; for here bad habits\nmay be given such disgusting publicity as to render them a cause of\nreproach to any good cause; and the obligation is upon every Christian\nhome to see that its children are so instructed that they shall be ready\nto quickly fill any place to which the work may call, and to stand with\ndignity for the truth in any place that can be opened to its\nconsideration.\n\nA home of wealth and elaborate appliances is not necessary for such\ntraining. A child who is instructed in the proper use of the few simple\nthings that constitute the furnishing of the most humble home, and in\nthose rules of good form that ought to be the natural order in any\nplace, will not be left to carry with him into some important\nconvocation careless table habits, which, under the pressure of a sense\nof responsibility, would certainly come to the front, in place of the\nfew better ways that he might have picked up and stored away for\noccasional and special use.\n\nIn \u201cacting out just what is in him,\u201d he will not bring himself and that\nwhich he represents into ridicule; the opportunity of giving the truth a\nchance to shine will not be lost, while honest souls are left in the\ndark; the breath of personal contempt will not obscure the character of\nChrist, which he is supposed to represent. He will be accepted, first,\nbecause it is agreeable to look at him; he will be heard because no good\nreason appears why he should not be; and after that, everything will\ndepend on what he really _is_ and _has_ down under the surface, in the\nplace where he lives alone with God.\n\n\u201cBut,\u201d you say, \u201cthe Lord, who calls a man to stand in any place, will\nprevent any disaster to the cause, provided his servant is honest.\u201d\n\nYes, God will be able to use even his servants\u2019 infirmities after he has\n\u201c_helped_\u201d them (Rom. 8:26); _i. e._, added to them his strength and\nwisdom. And this which we are considering is all in the nature of helps\nto infirmity and ignorance. It is in the direct line of legitimate\neducation for the very best Christian service.\n\nThe honest-hearted laborer for God, who, with his heart full of love,\nstarts out in his ignorance and awkwardness to \u201cdo something\u201d for God\nand souls, will find \u201csomething\u201d to do; but we are now considering a\nwork which every man could not do, and yet which some one must do.\n\n\n\n\n                                  XI.\n\n\nI must believe that the parents who fail, from carelessness or from\n\u201clack of ambition\u201d\u2014the holy sort, which is equivalent to consecration\nand diligence\u2014to give the child the best possible preparation for a good\nwork, will be held responsible for the failure that would have resulted\nif God had not stepped in with some special helps and prevented it.\n\nLove for God will cover a multitude of social sins; but those who are\nresponsible for the sins will sometime have their reproach to bear. God\ndoes not like to have to cover sins; he only does it so as to keep\nthings looking as tidy as possible, until they can be put entirely out\nof the way. Covet the best gifts for your child, give him the best\npossible social habits, and then turn him over to God for work, and God\nwill find rare service for him.\n\nThere are many teachings as to what constitutes good form at table. It\nwould be impossible for the ordinary mortal so to acquaint himself with\nthem as to become a \u201csocial success;\u201d and this is far from our purpose.\nAll we need care about is to see that the habits formed are free from\nanything offensive. Society is kind to one who is not ambitious for\nsocial distinction,\u2014one who has something to say that is worth hearing,\nwho represents a principle, or some new thing the discussion of which\nmay possibly furnish an agreeable diversion,\u2014very much after the manner\nof the Athenians in Paul\u2019s time; so that even if one does not \u201cknow all\nthe ropes,\u201d like one \u201cto the Manor born,\u201d he will be received and heard,\nprovided he does not blunder into the few things which good form has\ndecreed that he must not do under any circumstances.\n\nAmong these prohibited things are thrusting out the elbows from the side\nso as to push his neighbor at table; resting the elbows on the table;\nand extending the legs under it so as to bring the feet in the way of\nthose belonging to the guest opposite. If any guest does these things,\nhe may be sure that there will be at least three people over whom the\nbest and truest things that he can say will have very little influence.\n\nThe eyes of those who chance to glance his way will be seriously\noffended and quickly averted if he should take up even a half-slice of\nbread and bite into it. Good form says that bread must be broken off in\nsmall bits, just when needed, not spread, but with a small lump of\nbutter placed upon it (provided one uses butter), conveyed to the mouth\nwith the thumb and finger of the left hand. You will be permitted to\nbite the piece in two once if you wish, but no more; that is, it must\nnot be more than two \u201cmouthfuls\u201d to begin with. Under no circumstances\nmust anything, such as fruit-pits, etc., be ejected from the mouth into\na spoon, fork, or plate, but taken from the lips with the left thumb and\nfinger, and placed on the plate. Neither bread nor any refuse is ever to\nbe placed on the cloth, but on the side-dishes provided; or, lacking\nthese, on the one plate that is being used.\n\nFood should not be conveyed to the mouth with a knife, but with a fork,\nalways excepting soup, and such sauce as must be handled with a spoon.\n\nDo teach your children not to thrust the point of the spoon into the\nmouth, but to take its contents with the lips from that part nearest the\nhandle, without the least possible sound. Teach them not to lift the\nspoon so full that it will drip; and as your boy grows up into mustaches\nhe will need to learn how to take soup and sauce without defiling those\nmanly ornaments, or else to let soup alone at the banquet. But you can\nteach him from childhood to handle his napkin so deftly as to keep his\nlips clean, even after they have put on their thatch.\n\nAs to the napkin, by all means habituate the child to its use, even if\nit be nothing more than a square of old calico or flour-sacking, hemmed,\nor even _un_hemmed. He can learn on a piece of his mother\u2019s old apron\nhow to use the fine linen of the king\u2019s banquet-hall, and do it so\ndaintily that the apron and the mother who wore it down to napkin\ndimensions will confer honor on the king\u2019s damask.\n\nO my sister mothers in the many humbler homes of those who love our Lord\nand are looking for his appearing, has it seemed to you that any of\nthese things that I have written are trivial or burdensome, wholly\noutside the sphere of life in which you and your children will ever\nmove? Are you so overburdened with many cares that you feel, when the\nfood is cooked and placed \u201canyhow,\u201d that your part is done; that the\nfamily may come \u201cjust as it happens\u201d and eat, simply to satisfy hunger,\nas do the cattle in the field? Have you thought that if you could but\nget through the day anyhow, your duty was done? Still you must meet the\n_certainties_ that are before you. Your children must bear a part in the\nclosing scenes of the world\u2019s history,\u2014ask yourself if there is not\nsomething for you in these things that I have written. They have been\nwritten with a most solemn sense of their importance. _They are a part\nof the gospel message_; they concern the work which some one now in\ntraining must do before the Lord can come.\n\nThe knowledge of how to prepare and serve a hygienic dinner, as well as\nhow to select suitable portions and decline others, at a worldly\nbanquet, may be absolutely necessary to the winning of souls in the last\ncall to the world.\n\n\n\n\n                                  XII.\n\n\nNothing is of more importance to success in any work than conversation.\nHow to converse so as to win and not wound, to both give and gain, is an\naccomplishment which has very nearly passed into the list of lost arts.\nAnd here again good form comes to the rescue, and by its placid but\narbitrary code offsets that lawlessness into which even good men have\nfallen in excess of zeal.\n\nSixty years ago the rule for children was that they \u201cshould be seen and\nnot heard,\u201d so that a child\u2019s talk was almost unknown in a company of\nadults. This was so wrong that it has reacted in a sort of wild freedom\nupon the part of the children which, uncorrected, develops into the\nadult chatter-box and gossip, than which no character is more to be\ndreaded.\n\nBad habits of conversation are very hard to break, and since it is by\nthe \u201ccalves (or sacrifice) of the lips\u201d that we are especially to honor\nGod, by \u201cwords fitly spoken,\u201d and that we are to \u201cgive a reason for the\nfaith that is in us,\u201d it is not of small importance that we should know\nhow to talk. Begin with the baby, therefore, so that the child shall\ngrow up into correct forms of speech, and into that regard of all good\nform which shall not only give him at once the ears, but the hearts of\nthe people.\n\nI scarcely need to say, Do not use slang, for this is universally\nunderstood as out of harmony with Christian practise; but yet it may not\nbe amiss to say that even the world of society, whose laws of behavior\nwe are considering, would ostracize one whose language was punctuated\nwith much slang. An _oath_ would be more tolerable to so-called \u201cpolite\nears.\u201d\n\nMoney, or prominence, will for a time give a man social passport in\nspite of all manner of ill-breeding. He can _buy_ a place and\nrecognition even from those who despise him; but this is not the sort of\nrecognition in the interests of which I am writing. I am pleading for\nthat which shall gain a hearing for the custodians of a truth without\nwhich no man can live, and for the reception of which few are as yet\nprepared. It is for the sake of the honest souls who are in the darkness\nof the world\u2019s \u201c_culture_\u201d that I am pleading. They have a right to know\nall that the Spirit of God has been sending to his people concerning\nthat all-round righteousness that makes up the sum of that _whole gospel\nfor the whole man_, which is included in an uttermost salvation; and\nsome tongues must be so cultured as to talk the way open for truth just\nas effectually as a _wag_ can do it for _fun_, a singer open it for a\nsong, or money open it for blind boorishness; and the quiet mother in\nthe home must have a large share of this work.\n\nTo this end teach the child that he must _listen_ when any other child\nis speaking until he has finished; never to interrupt, or, if it is\nnecessary to give some information, to say, for instance: \u201cI beg your\npardon, but,\u2014\u201d or, \u201cWillie, if you please, was it not on Wednesday\ninstead of Tuesday?\u201d Any interruption simply for getting in a word\nshould never be indulged. Teach him to wait patiently for a fair chance\nto speak, no matter how great may be the temptation to \u201cthrust in his\noar.\u201d This should not be construed to include those playful\ninterruptions in the merry tangle of words which all children delight in\n\u201conce in a while,\u201d \u201cjust for fun.\u201d\n\nTeach him to avoid all abrupt forms of expression, such as \u201cGive me\nthat!\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t!\u201d \u201cStop!\u201d \u201cQuit!\u201d \u201cGet out!\u201d \u201cYou sha\u2019n\u2019t!\u201d \u201cI won\u2019t!\u201d If\nhe never hears such phrases at home, he will not be apt to catch them;\nbut if he should, a few little experiences such as he would certainly\nmeet as a man upon entering the social world, with the adult equivalents\nof these words, would teach him that they were very unprofitable. Let\nhim find out that he can get nothing in that way, and he will begin\nintuitively to cultivate his tongue to acceptable speech.\n\nIt is not good form to talk at table about the physical organs, or the\nprocesses of digestion, excepting when some special occasion should\nrequire, and then it should be by the most delicate allusions. The\nmention of any form of disease, or of death, would be considered\nexceeding bad form; also any malodorous topic of any sort. Table\nconversation should be such as to inspire every good feeling;\nappetizing, promotive of good fellowship, comradeship, faith, hope;\noptimistic in every sense of the word. The children should be taught\nthat no complaints or grievances are to be mentioned there, because such\nthings always have a tendency to destroy relish for food, and retard the\nprocess of digestion. A chronic grumbler at the table will threaten a\nwhole family with dyspepsia. \u201cLet your conversation be seasoned with\nsalt,\u201d is a good injunction; and if the Scriptural rule is followed at\nhome, the child will grow up capable of taking the gospel message\nanywhere without personal offense, even if he must go into many untried\nplaces. Neither will it be necessary for him to \u201cpremeditate; but\nwhatsoever shall be given ... in that hour\u201d (Mark 13:11) he shall be\nable to speak.\n\nI have confined myself to the _Form_,\u2014a form which, though good, is\ndead,\u2014the _letter_ of the social code, which is at best a lifeless\nthing, a burden, a barrier, often a cause of heart-burning jealousy,\nwrath, anger, adulteries, and every sort of contention. There is nothing\nso cruel as a quarrel carried on under the cloak of good form. The\nbitter sarcasm of a war waged with polite words and phrases, the tones\nkeyed to simulate tenderness and love, as society requires, but\nbreathing of hate, makes a combination in which Satan is especially\nmanifested as in nothing else in the world. Truly the letter killeth.\nThe social code is all right, but, lacking the Spirit, it is a rotting\ncarcass. However, since it was modeled after Christ, it requires but\nthat the Holy Spirit shall breathe life into it to make it an instrument\nfor the accomplishment of necessary work in carrying the gospel to every\ncreature.\n\nIt is manifestly better to be filled with the Spirit than covered with\nall the forms in the world; but _good form_, vitalized, will make any\nmessenger so ready for any good work in any field that he need take no\nthought how or what he shall speak, for it shall be given him the same\nhour. \u201cFor it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which\nspeaketh in you.\u201d Matt. 10:20.\n\n\n\n\n                                 XIII.\n\n\nEven good form may be made too burdensome to be endured, and it is the\nprivilege of conscientious Christian society to strike the happy medium\nbetween this oppressive formalism and the true kindly life which can\ncause even the violation of all form to be almost unnoticed.\n\nIt is better to have the good life without the good form than to have\nthe good form without the good life; but it is our privilege, and duty\nas well, to have both.\n\nIn treating upon this subject it must not be forgotten that there are\nforms and forms. Each city aims to be a center of social good form for\nitself and its suburbs. Each has its own little peculiarities, as, for\ninstance, its own manner of using visiting cards,\u2014the size, shape,\nturning of the corners this way and that as signals; all of which differ\naccording to the decree of the social leaders of a great center of\nsocial influence; and yet the manners of one city would never be\nconsidered blunders in any other, however much they might differ,\nprovided they were sincere, easy, adjustable, and dainty. It is not,\nhowever, considered elegant to ignore the customs of the people among\nwhom you may visit. That which your hostess considers good form should\nbe good to you while you are her guest, unless some principle is\nviolated. Good form requires concessions to even ignorance without any\nof the \u201cI-am-more-cultured-than-you\u201d air.\n\nBecause of this diversity of forms it will be manifestly impossible for\nany one to know just what would be considered good form in every detail\nthe world over. As in everything else which involves principles and\ntheir application, it is true in this, that if you know and appreciate\nthe opportunities, and keep your eyes open, you will be able to avoid\nserious mistakes.\n\nIn reply to many questions of a miscellaneous character I bind a little\nsheaf of gleanings with which to conclude this subject of good form.\n\n  \u201cWhen a gentleman friend of the family calls, is it proper for the\n  wife to go on with her work, and not go to the parlor at all to\n  welcome him, but to leave him to be entirely entertained by the\n  husband? Or is it necessary that she go to the parlor, and remain\n  during his visit? Would it be proper for her to leave the room during\n  his visit without asking to be excused?\u201d\n\nFirst of all I wish to drop the remark that the word \u201cgentleman\u201d is not\ngood form, as commonly used. It has been so perverted and misused that\nit does not in these days even mean that for which it was first\nintended,\u2014a man of especially good manners. There are \u201cgentlemen of _the\ncloth_,\u201d \u201cgentlemen of _the turf_,\u201d \u201cthe gentleman of _the road_,\u201d \u201cthe\ngentleman _about town_;\u201d\u2014all slang phrases, which have brought the word\ninto disrepute. The compound word \u201cgentleman\u201d was an effort upon the\npart of human society to make distinctions which the Creator had refused\nto recognize. He called man \u201cMAN.\u201d One can not be _more_ than a man.\nFurthermore, the appropriation of the word \u201cgentleman\u201d by the\n\u201caristocracy,\u201d the fact that in the social world there is a \u201cgentleman\nclass,\u201d has made the expression inappropriate for universal application.\nInstead of speaking of your gentleman friend, speak of your man friend.\n\nTherefore I will say in reply to my questioner that when a man friend\ncalls upon the husband and family it is proper for the wife to occupy\nherself with some work kept at hand for such occasions; or, if\nnecessary, after she has greeted him, and passed a few minutes\npleasantly in conversation, she may excuse herself, and go to her\nhousehold duties; but if she can do so, it is very cordial, and in every\nrespect good form, for her to take her work, and with some graceful word\nof apology, such as any man would appreciate, go on keeping her hands\nbusy, while she assists in entertaining her husband\u2019s friend. In leaving\nthe room she should ask to be excused, unless the men are so occupied as\nto make it an interruption to do so. If she does not expect to return,\nhowever, she should make her adieus, and invite him to call again,\nbefore leaving the parlor.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it admissible for a lady to keep on with her sewing or mending\n  while she is entertaining a caller? Can she take some kind of fancy\n  work with her while she is visiting a friend or neighbor?\u201d\n\nIt is perfectly admissible for a woman to keep on with her sewing and\nmending while she is entertaining a caller, provided she speaks of it in\nsome simple, graceful fashion. This is a much better means of\nmanifesting your appreciation of a caller than to lay aside necessary\nwork and take some fancy article. You can even take your mending with\nyou while visiting a friend and neighbor, and it will be appreciated\nmore than fancy work. In many localities fancy work, especially for\nmarried women, has fallen into disfavor among even society people. There\nis a social cult which makes much of everything practical. It is a\nfad;\u2014here to-day, gone to-morrow; but it has prepared the way for even a\nstocking-bag in the boudoir of some social queen: the stockings, of\ncourse, are supposed to be of the very finest texture and quality, and\nthe darning in itself to be a piece of finest lace work; and yet under\nthe cover of this supposition one can take a real serviceable hose and\ndo good, practical work upon it.\n\n\n  \u201cShould the hostess offer to take the hat of a gentleman caller? and\n  where should she place it?\u201d\n\nIf he does not at once make his hat at home, she should indicate where\nhe can leave it. It is better form for her to suggest that he can hang\nit upon the hat rack or peg in the hall, or lay it on the table, if he\ndoes not seem to know that he can do so, than it would be to take it\nfrom him. If he has been properly instructed, as every boy should be at\nhome, he will, without any effort upon her part, relieve her of the\nnecessity of looking after his hat. But if he appears embarrassed by it,\ntake it at once with some pleasant remark calculated to set him at ease,\nand place it where it ought to be. The proper place is in the hall, if\nthere be a hall. Lacking this, any convenient place is in order.\n\n\n  \u201cIf a man friend happens to call when the husband is absent and the\n  wife alone, should she invite him into the parlor and visit with him?\u201d\n\nSuch a friend should so time his visits as to make reasonably sure that\nthe man of the house would be at home, but if he fails to do so, it is\nthe better way to inform him when the husband will return, and invite\nhim to call again, provided this would be agreeable to both husband and\nwife. It is, however, bad form to say, \u201cCome again,\u201d when you mean,\n\u201cStay away;\u201d _very_ bad form for the wife to invite any one to call who\nwould necessarily be disagreeable to the man of the house. In these days\nof moral contamination and prevalent gossip, good form is a conservator\nof good morals. Even as regards the wife\u2019s relation to her pastor, if\nthe husband is not a Christian, and, as often happens, dislikes\nministers as a class, and makes a call anything but pleasant, common\npoliteness requires that all pastoral visits shall include the husband.\n\n\n  \u201cWhere several are invited to a dinner, is it necessary for the men to\n  escort the ladies to the table? or is it better for each to walk out\n  independently?\u201d\n\nIn relation to dinner manners, the hostess is expected to decide all\nforms for her company. If she wishes to make it very formal, she\narranges just what man shall take out a certain woman. The couples will\nbe so seated that a man and a woman will occupy alternate places. Every\nwoman is expected to entertain first her own escort, and then to assist\nin entertaining the one who sits next her on the other side, and also\noccasionally to exchange a word with the one who sits opposite. It is\nnot, however, expected that one will talk all over the table, nor that\nany one voice will command general attention until the table is cleared,\nand the after-dinner program is called.\n\n\n  \u201cIf two gentlemen with their wives should be riding in one carriage,\n  would it be proper for the husband and wife to be separated, and each\n  gentleman sit with the other man\u2019s wife?\u201d\n\nIf married couples are riding together the most graceful thing is for\nthe host and hostess to take a guest to entertain; either for the two\nmen and the two women to sit together, or for the couples to exchange\ncompanions. It would be an exceedingly ungracious act for the host and\nhostess to sit together during the ride, thus leaving their guests to\neach other alone. In any country good form requires that husbands and\nwives should appreciate each other enough to consider that they are\nconferring a favor by giving others an opportunity to enjoy their\nsociety; and that they should at least _seem_ to trust each other to be\nfriendly to other men and women, even if they quarrel about it when they\nare alone. The appearance of suspicion is the most foul of all bad\nforms; it is, in fact, the very stench from the body of moral death.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it proper for a woman to call in company with her husband upon a\n  man who lives alone?\n\n  \u201cIs it proper for a lady to visit a sick man who is not a relative?\u201d\n\nIt is suitable for a woman to accompany her husband _anywhere_. If the\nhusband intends calling on a man who lives alone, it is a very\nneighborly act for his wife to accompany him. A feminine presence might\nbrighten the home of a social hermit, and would surely be as a\nbenediction to him if he were an invalid, or in trouble.\n\nIn visiting a sick man it would be better for two ladies to go together,\nprovided no interested man friend or nurse could accompany them. Yet\nthere might be cases where it would be necessary, and the only Christian\nthing, for a woman to call alone, if she must, and render any necessary\ncare. This should, however, be only in case of necessity. The general\nrule should be observed as far as possible, that men should care for\nmen, and women for women.\n\n\n  \u201cWhen leaving a reception, dinner, or any private entertainment,\n  should one bid the hostess good night first before addressing the\n  others? Or, if there are several ladies belonging to the house, would\n  it be best to address the eldest lady first? I suppose it would be the\n  same when entering the house. I would like to know what the rules are\n  in regard to this, if there are any.\u201d\n\nThe hostess takes precedence of all other members of the household for\nthe time being. If a person is required by circumstances to take an\nearly leave, and the hostess, as is sometimes the case, be occupied, it\nis admissible to address others first. Faultless manners require that if\npossible your personal arrangements should be such that you can\naccommodate yourself to whatever exigencies may arise, so that without\nany stress or pressure of any sort, you can have time to wait for an\nopportunity to speak first to the hostess, and announce that you are\ntaking your leave. Then the way is open for any informal leave-taking\nand preparations which you may have to make, reserving the last word for\nthe host, at the door, unless indeed, as sometimes happens, he stands\nbeside his wife at the leave-taking as well as the reception.\n\n\n  \u201cShould the host offer to entertain the company himself with music, or\n  should the visitors invite him to entertain them?\u201d\n\nThis depends upon the kind of entertainment, the character of his\nvisitors, and the proficiency of the host as a musician. If he is really\na musician, and has something which he knows would give pleasure to the\ncompany, it would be expected that he would favor them. A few words of\nintroduction, not of himself, but of the music, would be appropriate;\nbut it should be done in the most informal and unobtrusive manner\npossible.\n\n\n  \u201cShould one recognize and bow to an acquaintance when upon the\n  opposite side of the street? If one meets a person with whom she is\n  but slightly acquainted and bows, then meets him again after an hour\n  or so, is it necessary to recognize him and bow again? How should a\n  lady do at the second meeting?\u201d\n\nIn chancing to look up and recognize a familiar friend upon the opposite\nside of the street, a slight inclination of the head on the part of a\nwoman is correct; on the part of a man or boy, touching or lifting the\nhat; but a vocal greeting at that distance would be bad form. It is not\nnecessary to bow every time you meet in passing and repassing often\nduring the day, although some sign of recognition is always good; but\nwhen upon the first meeting during the day proper greetings have been\nduly exchanged, a slight inclination of the head, a touch of the hat, a\ncordial glance is sufficient. More could be made very tiresome if you\nwere to meet often while about the day\u2019s business.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it good form to use a toothpick at the table?\u201d\n\nIt is bad form to use a toothpick in any but the most private manner.\nIts public appearance is always repulsive. It should never be used as an\narticle of table decoration. It is one of those necessary articles that\ncan never be suggestive of anything appetizing or graceful; in fact, its\nsuggestions are wholly of things concerning which one should be as\nreticent and retired as possible.\n\n\n  \u201cWhich is the better form,\u2014to use the fork in the right hand, leaving\n  the knife lying upon the plate, or to take the fork in the left hand,\n  and use the knife to push the food upon it? In short, in which hand\n  should the fork properly be held, and what is the office of the knife\n  at the table?\u201d\n\nThe fork should always be used in the right hand, for cutting, taking\nup, and conveying food to the mouth, unless one is left-handed. In that\ncase it should be used in the left hand. The knife should only be used\nfor cutting what can not be cut with the fork, and when not in use,\nshould lie on the plate. It has a very limited service at the table. It\nwould be very awkward to use the knife to push food on to the fork,\nbecause it is entirely unnecessary.\n\n\n  \u201cShould brothers and sisters call upon each other in their\n  sleeping-rooms in connection with boarding-schools?\u201d\n\nThose who are old enough to go away to boarding-school should come under\nthe same regulations in such matters as any other men and women must\nobserve. The bedroom is not designed as a reception-room. It has\nproperly only one use. If it must for any reason be used as a\nstudy-room, yet the fact that it is a bedroom makes it unfit for a\nvisiting place. It is furthermore the usual rule for two persons to\noccupy the same room in the school home, and manifestly immodest for\nsister or brother to intrude upon the privacy of these roommates.\nBesides these considerations the association of brothers and sisters\nshould be upon the same plane of modest deportment as between any other\nman and woman. This should be taught the children in the home, and\npractised everywhere, for the purpose of education and training\npreparatory to meeting the conditions which exist in the world at large.\n\n\n  \u201cUnder what circumstances is it proper for young men and women to\n  correspond with each other? Where not allowable, give reasons.\u201d\n\nWhen a thorough acquaintance between a young man and woman has developed\ninto that association which points to marriage, and when they must\nnecessarily be separated, correspondence is right. Such correspondence\nshould not, however, be considered too sacred to share with father and\nmother. Anything that can not be shared with a good parent is dangerous.\n\nIf there is good reason for confidence between the young people who are\ndrawn toward each other, and yet who have had no good opportunity to\nbecome thoroughly acquainted, a correspondence for the purpose of\nacquaintance is admissible, although not wholly safe. To correspond with\nmore than one at a time has every appearance of evil, and is too often\njust as evil as it can appear to be. Correspondence, excepting as it\nleads up to marriage, should be for business only, as brief and formal\nas possible, and should stop short when its purpose has been served. A\n_religious_ correspondence between young men and women is one of Satan\u2019s\nmost fruitful and profane devices.\n\n\n  \u201cShould young ladies at school be permitted to receive calls from\n  young men? If so, under what circumstances?\u201d\n\nThere should be connected with the young women\u2019s home of every school a\nparlor, open and public to all at all times. In such an apartment young\nladies in school should be able to receive calls, under proper\nchaperonage and advice from those who have them in charge. Promiscuous\ncalling would be bad form, and dangerous to reputation.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it best for young men and young women to do missionary work for\n  each other?\u201d\n\nThe only way in which they can do missionary work for each other is in\neach one making of him and herself the very best representative of\neverything that is best and truest in good manners, according to the\ndivine model, and then leave the detail work for young men to men, and\nfor young women to women. Any man who must be led to Christ by some\nwoman, instead of some good, brotherly man, can never be saved. Any\nwoman who can not be helped by some sister woman, or mother in Israel,\ncan never be helped.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it proper for a company of young people to go out on a camping\n  expedition for several days, even with a chaperon?\u201d\n\nThis would depend on the character of the company. One chaperon would\nnot be sufficient for a company of young men and young women. There\nshould be _chaperons_,\u2014a man for the young men, and a woman for the\nyoung women; and if the company is large, there should be a sufficient\nnumber of elderly companions to give them all necessary protection and\nsupport in the enjoyment of the occasion. There could be no reason why a\nselect party of young people, properly accompanied, should not enjoy an\nouting of this description. But in such a case it would be not only bad\nform, but criminal, for any young man or woman to take advantage of the\noccasion to break over any of the protective regulations upon which all\nshould agree before starting out. Common politeness and good sense would\nlead each to co-operate with all to secure the most perfect good order\nin the camp from beginning to end, by daylight and dark.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it proper for young people to take moonlight rides together?\u201d\n\nA moonlight ride for a company of young people, accompanied by fathers\nand mothers, or teachers, or suitable friends of mature age, would\ncertainly be proper and enjoyable. Under no other circumstances.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat would you say to a young man who would stand around and talk\n  with a young woman while she is at work?\u201d\n\nThat he was indulging in a very rustic and childish procedure, impolite\nin the highest degree, necessarily hindering and prolonging the work of\nthe young woman, and perhaps complicating all the affairs of the day.\nWhat would I say to him?\u2014That he had better go and finish his work while\nI finish mine, and then if he has really anything to say, come to the\nfamily sitting-room, at some suitable time, and we will talk it over.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat is the best way for a woman to meet indecent remarks or actions\n  from a man? Should she \u2018scorch\u2019 him, or slap him in the face?\u201d\n\nNeither. To take the slightest notice of him or of his remarks is to\ngive the man the advantage. At such a time as this rudeness would not be\ngood form. The only safe course would be to ignore him as you would the\nbuzz of the locust in the tree, or the sound of the cable along the\ntrack of the car line. You are obliged to be conscious of its presence,\nbut you go on your way, just the same, and let it buzz or roar. Whatever\nsuch a fellow may say or do, never turn your eyes one hair\u2019s breadth.\nAllow him to wonder if you are really blind and deaf. A word or act of\neven protest would give him a chance to reply. One word would call for\nanother, and no one could possibly forecast where it would end.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat can be done with students who will not listen to the advice of\n  teachers upon questions of proper behavior, who will not believe what\n  is told them about the character of those with whom they are\n  associating?\u201d\n\nUnless it is a reform school, the only thing would be to send them home.\n\n\n  \u201cWhen it is known that a young man or young woman in school is impure\n  in thought, language, and habit, what is the duty of those in\n  authority in the matter?\u201d\n\nIt is impossible for any one to know the thoughts of any other being, so\nas to judge of their intrinsic character. The language and habits, when\njudged from your standpoint, may be impure, but they may be really only\nthe result of wrong methods and circumstances over which the child has\nno control, and for which he is not at all responsible. In manner and\nhabit he may be vile, and yet be no more responsible as far as thought\nand motive is concerned than he would be for having the measles. He has\nsimply been exposed, caught it, and needs to be cured. But whatever the\nthought and inner life may be, if his language and habits in the school\nassociation are on the impure level, the pupil should certainly be kept\nin quarantine at home, unless the school is like a hospital prepared to\ntake the case, and give the treatment that will lead to mental and moral\nhealth.\n\n\n  \u201cIn what respect does the relation of those in charge of a school home\n  differ from that of the parents?\u201d\n\nIn responsibility, during the school term, there is no difference. In\npoint of privilege the parent has greatly the advantage, as he alone is\ncapable of understanding the secrets which may be locked away, in the\nbreast of the child, from any possible discovery by the teacher. The\nresponsibility of parents, however, never ends, while that of the\nteacher is limited to the hours in the school, and the school term. The\nparents\u2019 responsibility covers the whole life, and can never be\ntransferred.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it good form for students in their work to eat bits of food from\n  the dishes they are handling?\u201d\n\nIt is not only bad form, but a very disgusting practise for any one to\npick up things lying about on plates, table, in cupboards, or on fruit\nstands, public or private, and put them into the mouth. The only\nsuitable place for eating is at the table, the picnic basket, or the\ntraveling lunch box, and that at the meal-time. The habit of nibbling is\nalso productive of many very troublesome forms of disease. Good form\nrequires that one should be as neat and tidy in the necessary handling\nand preparing of food as in presiding at or enjoying a banquet.\n\n\n  \u201cIs it good form for a gentleman to put on a lady\u2019s skates?\u201d\n\nAny woman who is able to skate is able to fasten her own skates, and\nshould feel a womanly contempt for that childish form of incapacity that\nwould make her willing to receive that kind of attention from any man.\nThe corseted woman, trussed like a fowl, can not get down to her feet so\nas to put on a pair of skates; but neither can she skate enough to make\nit worth while to take note of her efforts. Of course _she_ must have a\nman to perform this puerile service for her.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat is the proper form of accepting or declining invitations to\n  receptions, weddings, graduations, etc.? Should an acceptance or\n  refusal of such an invitation be accompanied by a gift? If so, what is\n  the most appropriate, and the best form in which to give it?\u201d\n\nThe above questions can all be answered upon the same principle. The\nformula of acknowledging invitations to receptions differs as widely as\nthe style of cards; but the very best \u201cgood form\u201d is for each invited\nguest in her own natural manner, in a personal, kindly note, to either\naccept, or express regrets at not being able to attend. Books on\netiquette give an assortment of styles varying in degrees of stiffness,\nwhich you can copy if you wish, but they are the most ungraceful relics\nof dead form on record.\n\nConcerning weddings: in many circles it is supposed that a response to a\nwedding invitation must necessarily include a wedding gift; but to\nassume that such an event is the occasion of soliciting silverware,\ndry-goods, and furniture is one of the very worst of all bad forms. The\nwedding gift has become one of the most troublesome expressions of\nsocial hypocrisy. If it could be possible to abolish it, and give\nsociety a chance to go back to the simple habits of fifty years ago, it\nwould be a blessing indeed. It is a misfortune to a young couple to\nreceive even one gift that either for its pretended or real value would\nmake the simple style in which they will doubtless be obliged to begin\nlife seem mean. Flowers or books are the most suitable things to bring\nto a wedding, and even flowers may be so profuse as to become vulgar.\nThis does not of course include those gifts that would naturally be made\nby the family for the purpose of giving the young couple \u201ca start in\nlife.\u201d\n\n\n  \u201cWhat are the proper conditions and forms upon which introductions\n  should take place?\u201d\n\nGood form requires that no man shall address a lady without an\nintroduction, unless it be in a case of extreme necessity. An\n_emergency_, for the time being, nullifies all ceremony; but after the\nemergency is passed, the informal acquaintance should be ended. Every\nboy should be so taught in the home that as he grows up, and goes out\ninto the world, he will not offend against good form, and bring himself\nunder suspicion by intruding upon the notice of any young woman whom he\nmay happen to fancy, without the formality of an introduction by some\none of whom he will have no reason to be ashamed.\n\nGood form requires that the introduction of any two persons should be by\nthe desire of both. The slightest objection upon the part of either\nwould make the introduction a gross intrusion. The reasons for this are\nobvious. Society has seen that after the introduction, anything may\nfollow, and the only chance for a young woman to protect herself from\nundesirable and dangerous association, may be in the rigid enforcement\nof this simple rule of rights. The proper form of introduction is that\nwhich is most easy and graceful in manner for the one who is to do the\nintroducing. As in everything else, individuality should be given a\nchance; the spirit and manner carries much more weight than the words.\nAlways, however, the person who is to be in any way advantaged by the\nintroduction, favored either in pleasure or profit, is the one who is to\nbe presented to the other. For instance, Mr. Lane has seen Miss Mason,\nand has recognized her as one whose acquaintance he would enjoy. He asks\na mutual friend to secure the privilege of this introduction; Miss Mason\nhas been asked the favor with the assumption that it will be entirely\nfor Mr. Lane\u2019s advantage and pleasure. Miss Mason is gracious, and\nconsents to grant the request. Mr. Lane is therefore brought to the\nplace where the young lady is waiting. Never should a person who is to\nreceive another be asked to come to be introduced. Bring the candidate\nfor this social favor, to the one of whom it has been asked, and upon\napproaching, you will say, \u201cMiss Mason, allow me the pleasure of\npresenting Mr. Lane. Mr. Lane, Miss Mason,\u201d upon which Miss Mason will\nbow slightly, Mr. Lane a little more noticeably. They will not shake\nhands, but will stand, or perhaps be seated, and converse for a few\nmoments, when Mr. Lane will take his leave, if he knows what is good for\nhim, and wait for some further recognition from Miss Mason.\n\nAmong very intimate friends, where it is well known that an acquaintance\nwould certainly be a mutual pleasure and benefit, this formula is not\nalways necessary. I have been giving the strict social good-form code,\nwhich is for protection against annoyances. It would be an unfortunate\nsocial misdemeanor for any person to make the second effort to receive\nan introduction which has been once declined, without some advances from\nthe person who had made the refusal.\n\nWhen a young man desires to cultivate the acquaintance of a young woman,\ngood form requires that before he utters a word, he shall frankly inform\nher parents of his wishes, and ask their consent. _And this is right_;\nand even if their decision is against him, a young man who is worthy of\na wife will have that regard for the rights of the parent which will\nmake him careful how he ruthlessly breaks into the family circle. He\nwill give himself time and opportunity to win the parents, before he\ndisturbs the mind of the daughter. The observance of good form in such\nmatters will bring a blessing, and save unspeakable trouble, even if it\nshould require what seems to the heart of a youth a great deal of\nunreasonable delay.\n\n\n  \u201cAfter the introduction should the mutual friend leave, or remain and\n  lead out in conversation?\u201d\n\nAfter the introduction the newly made acquaintances may or may not be\nleft to their own devices in following up the introduction. This\nintroduction does not under any circumstances bind the young woman to\nany future recognition of the person who has been introduced to her. She\nmay ruthlessly ignore him the next time she meets him without any\nviolation of good form, it being supposed that she has sufficient reason\nfor doing so, and he will have no occasion to complain. He must accept\nthe fact that he has had all that he can receive of pleasure or profit\nfrom this acquaintance, and be satisfied with it, unless he can by some\nmeans so bring himself in some manly way to the notice of this young\nwoman that she shall indicate her wish to continue the acquaintance.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat is good form in dress for an evening reception for both men and\n  women? Should gloves be worn?\u201d\n\nFor a formal reception, society requires that a man should wear black.\nIf the host wears gloves, the men should do so. If the hostess only\nwears gloves, only the women wear gloves. At a wedding the bride\ndetermines whether gloves shall be worn. It would be very bad form to\nwear gloves if the bride\u2019s hands were bare. The fashion changes with\nreference to what is suitable for both men and women, but as a rule what\nis known as the cutaway coat for men, with a white necktie, makes an\nevening dress for any occasion. It need not necessarily be of expensive\nmaterial. A great variety is admissible in women\u2019s costume at a\nreception. If she chooses to wear her bonnet, she may also wear a simple\ntailor-made gown, of very plain style and color, a traveling dress, or\neven an ordinary street dress; or she may be arrayed like the veriest\nbutterfly in all the colors of the rainbow, and still preserve unbroken\nthe rules of good form in dress according to the social code. But the\nplainer style is unquestionably the better form in every sense of the\nword. This is a social concession to the conscientious Christian element\nin social life, and an effort to retain it; and the more truly people\ncarry conscience into dress, as well as the more they cultivate every\ntrue Christian grace, the more they are appreciated even by those who\ngive time and thought to what seems to be frivolous in custom and\ncostume.\n\n\n  \u201cHow shall one cultivate the art of conversation?\u201d\n\nFirst of all _by conversing_. But to talk one must _know_ and _think_.\nSelect some theme of general interest and importance, inform yourself\nconcerning it, then train your mind to methodical handling of it; think\nit over in colloquial form; talk about it to the home folks, study the\ndictionary for a vocabulary, and use what you find. It is a good thing\nto have several words at your tongue\u2019s end which mean the same thing, or\nnearly so; but it is very bad form to \u201ctalk _book_.\u201d You can fill\nyourself with the book, but when it comes to expressing yourself in\nconversation, talk _talk_,\u2014common language, pure and simple, short words\nsuch as even a child can understand.\n\nThe best conversationalist is one who by saying but little himself (that\nlittle choice, clear, and true) can draw others out to a free expression\nof their thoughts, making even the slow and stammering to feel \u201cat\nhome.\u201d\n\nIt is bad form to take advantage of a social opportunity to air any\nprivate opinions that must necessarily arouse opposition and\ncontroversy. Conversation should be like a refreshing stream, holding\nall truth in solution in such form that it shall be recognized as sweet\nwaters, at which the thirsty soul may find refreshment. The truth which\nit contains can be trusted to do its work in thought and life, as the\niron and magnesia may on blood and tissue.\n\n\n  \u201cWhat is the difference between good form, etiquette, and ethics?\u201d\n\nGood form contains the bare principle, etiquette applies the principle,\nand ethics brings _conscience_ into the practise of it. It is possible\nfor etiquette to violate every principle of both good form and ethics;\nbut good form and ethics will always agree when they understand each\nother, and will make a safe environment in which any child, youth, man,\nor woman may live, love, and labor.\n\nNowhere is the observance of good form more necessary than during a\njourney. It is especially a safeguard to the young and inexperienced\nagainst the designing and vicious.\n\nThe rule is that the traveling dress should be of the most unobtrusive\ncharacter, of some neutral color, with no showy embellishments on hat or\ngown, something which can be readily shaken or brushed free of dust; and\nthat every movement should be such as to avoid attracting attention;\nthat no acquaintance should be formed with strangers, unless it be under\ncircumstances that could admit of no possible question.\n\nIt is bad form to stand and look about in a waiting-room, or to\npromenade the platform, to turn the head and gaze at people, or to ask\nquestions of any but officials. These things, trivial as they may seem,\ncarefully observed, help to keep a hedge of safety about the young woman\nor boy who is obliged to travel alone, while only a slight departure\nfrom these rules will often open the way for annoyance, and even dangers\nsuch as we can not discuss in these pages.\n\nIn the matter of asking questions, the prospective traveler should\ninform herself concerning everything she will need to know of her route,\netc., as thoroughly as possible, before she starts, so as to make\nquestioning unnecessary. It is dangerous to depend even upon men in\nuniform for information beyond certain narrow limits. Do not expect a\nlocal ticket agent, nor yet a railroad conductor, brakeman, or Pullman\ncar porter to know what every passenger may need to know in order to\nreach his destination.\n\nThe man in uniform is responsible for knowing one or two things and\nseeing that his own end of the work is kept well in hand. Beyond that he\nhas no official responsibility, and is often as likely to abuse\nconfidence, and betray trusting ignorance, as any other man.\n\nIf you are a young girl traveling alone, compelled to make a transfer\nacross the city, _never_ take a carriage or cab, but the common public\nomnibus. If you have a tedious wait before you, do not try to relieve it\nby sauntering about the depot or street, or any public places. Settle\nyourself down with determination to patiently and quietly endure _in the\ndepot_, unless you know some suitable place to which you can go and\nspend the time. Do not ask, receive, or act upon any advice from _any_\nstrangers as to hotels, or any other places where you could spend the\nhours more comfortably. Accept no invitations excepting from well-known\nfriends, and even then not to any ice-cream parlors or restaurants.\nNothing short of a _family_ invitation to some good home should turn you\nfor a moment from your purpose to keep closely to the line of travel,\nand endure hardness with good practical common sense.\n\nChildren should be taught in the regular routine of home life how to\nentertain and how to be entertained; how to avoid the necessity of\nputting on \u201ccompany manners\u201d by always in all relations of life\nobserving those principles of politeness which are summed up in the\ngospel as expressed in that law of liberty known as the Golden Rule.\n\nAs a hostess, do not overload your guest with attention. Nothing is more\nwearisome than to be compelled to ward off continual intrusive efforts\nto make you happy and comfortable as a guest. See that all necessary\nprovision is made for your guest before arrival, that water for drinking\nand bathing, with glasses and towels, are in her room in readiness. Take\nyour guest at once to the room appointed without stopping for\nintroductions or greetings; inquire if anything further is needed; state\nthe hour of meals, and any other regulations which must in any manner\nconcern a transient member of your household; arrange to return in a\nhalf-hour to lead the way to the family room for greetings and\nintroductions, and then withdraw, leaving the coast clear for such\nattention to personal comfort as is always needed even after a short\njourney.\n\nThere may be degrees of intimacy that would seem to naturally modify\nthese good-form requirements, but it would be perfectly safe to hold\nyourself to them, even if the guest were your own mother, sister, or\nbrother. If your guest is to make a long visit, everything like _effort_\nto secure his comfort should be kept out of sight. In fact, all\narrangements should be made so as to make the visit a pleasure to all\nconcerned; and this can only be done by taking him into the home life,\nand going on just the same in everything as if you were alone as a\nfamily.\n\nAn invitation to a friend to visit you should be for a definite time,\nand should not upon any account be extended unless you _heartily_ desire\nit. Not a word or hint should be dropped out of so-called politeness,\nwhich, if taken literally, would stay his departure one hour after the\ntime limit has been reached. The sort of hypocrisy that would say, \u201cO\ndon\u2019t hurry off just yet,\u201d when you feel in your heart that you can not\nconveniently have the visit prolonged, is very bad form, indeed, and a\ngrievous wrong to your friend.\n\nAs a guest, one should at once fall into the regular order of the family\nlife as nearly as it is possible to do so, avoiding everything that\nwould add to labor for hostess or servants.\n\nA guest should give no orders to children or servants. All requests\nshould be made of host or hostess, and left for them to pass on as they\nshall see fit. Good form requires that the guest shall be blind and deaf\nto any unpleasant episodes that may occur, taking no part in any\ndisputes from the children up, and that at any moment when his presence\ncould prove an embarrassment, he will find it necessary to retire to his\nroom, take a stroll in the wood or field, or a \u201cday off\u201d in town; and\nthen when the time limit for which his visit was planned has been\nreached, he will take his departure, no matter how warmly he may be\nurged \u201cnot to hurry.\u201d\n\nGive neither money nor eatables to the children. Make no plans which\ninclude them without first consulting host and hostess. In fact, the\nguest should propose nothing, plan nothing. This should all be left to\nhost and hostess. He should make of his presence a pleasure to all,\nwhich will leave nothing more to be desired. Let him find his place in\nthe domestic economy for the time being, and fill it in just as helpful\na manner as possible, remembering that here it is as true as it can be\nanywhere in the world, that he who abases himself shall be exalted, and\nhe who seeks the most for others, finds the most for himself.\n\n\n\n\n                                  XIV.\n\n\nFor public teachers, and especially those who are in preparation for\nsuch work, this little book has a special message. The world will not\nsuffer long nor be kind to any exponent of truth who offends in platform\netiquette, or in home courtesy. Accordingly, I would urge my young\nfellow laborers to eschew everything in manner which could produce\ndislike or disgust in the most critical, for that most critical may be\nthe very soul to whom you are sent.\n\nAs brethren in council together, cultivate only those things that can be\nused anywhere in an uncharitable world. Do not allow anything to become\nhabitual that will call attention to any part of the body or clothing.\nNever finger the watch guard, coat buttons, nor the features of the\nface. Unfortunate practices of this nature have nullified the effect of\nmany a sermon. Many a young man has made a farce of his testimony for\nChrist because he stood twirling his mustache; and many a Sabbath-school\nteacher has failed to hold her pupils to the truth because her hat was\nfilled with nodding plumes, flowers, or an elaborate tangle of ribbon.\n\nGood form insists that any Sabbath display is vulgar, so that the woman\nof genuine social position will leave the elaborate church toilet to her\nservants, while she goes in the plainest of modest apparel to the house\nof God.\n\nOne great misfortune to both home and church is that good form has been\nconsidered a sort of parade dress, to be laid off with the \u201ccompany\u201d\nclothes. The home folks have been compelled to tolerate anything from\neach other, upon the supposition that nothing matters at home; when the\nfact is that _there_ everything in dress and conversation matters more\nthan in any other spot on earth.\n\nThe home dress should be such as would be respectable if the wearer were\ncalled out by some emergency, with no time to change.\n\nGood form condemns the \u201cMother Hubbard,\u201d and with good reason: Its\norigin was infamous, its suggestions are such that the woman who wears\nit can not command the same respect from even her own family as though\nshe were clothed with a modest garment.\n\nSociety can and will reject the presence of one who is rude in speech or\nconduct, and in this has the advantage of the home; but the person who\npractices good form in society, and by a sullen, fault-finding, or\nuntidy manner at home flatly contradicts every pretense of refinement,\nshall surely have his reward in the covert contempt of even those who\nlove him; while any, however untrained in the arts of \u201cpolite society,\u201d\nwho shall practice those graces that make ordinary duties fragrant and\nsweet with the good manners of heaven, will be accepted anywhere by any\nto whom he can be sent with a message. Any awkwardness that a man may do\nwill be pardoned beforehand for the sake of the beautiful spirit he is\nby the grace of God.\n\nAnd yet it is well to make it just as hard as possible for the world to\nreject you, and just as easy as possible for it to accept your message.\n\nAll of which is written for the glory of our Lord, and to the end that\nthe truth may be carried to every creature.\n\n\n  The Abiding Spirit, by Mrs. S. M. I. Henry. \u201cThis book deals with the\n  presence, power, and ministry of the Holy Spirit as manifested in the\n  most common material things, and as needed for the performance of the\n  most simple duties.... It is safe to say that the larger proportion of\n  common religious perplexities are touched upon in this book; and the\n  way opened for light upon their darkness.\u201d\u2014_The Union Signal,\n  Chicago._\n\n  \u201cThe author takes high ground, and maintains her position\n  well.\u201d\u2014_Alabama Cumberland Presbyterian._\n\n      316 pages, cloth.                                     40 cts.\n      Beautiful presentation edition.                       75 cts.\n                             Address the Publishers of \u201cGood Form.\u201d\n\n\n\n\n                          Transcriber\u2019s Notes\n\n\n\u2014Silently corrected a few typos.\n\n\u2014Retained publication information from the printed edition: this eBook\n  is public-domain in the country of publication.\n\n\u2014In the text versions only, text in italics is delimited by\n  _underscores_.","title":"Good Form and Christian Etiquette","tradition":"scripture-revelation","translated_text":null,"word_count":22986}