{"collection":"scripture-revelation","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_654/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_654","id":"gutenberg_654","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/654","summary":null,"tags":["Authors, English -- Early modern, 1500-1700 -- Biography","Bunyan, John, 1628-1688","Category: Biographies","Category: British Literature","Category: Religion/Spirituality","Christian biography -- England","Christianity","Puritans -- England -- Biography"],"text":"Transcribed from the 1905 The Religious Tract Society edition by David\nPrice, email ccx074@pglaf.org\n\n                          [Picture: Book cover]\n\n\n\n\n\n                 GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS\n\n\n                         IN A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF\n                    THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JOHN BUNYAN\n                                    OR\n                    A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING\n                      MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIM\n                                  NAMELY\n\n                IN HIS TAKING HIM OUT OF THE DUNGHILL, AND\n           CONVERTING HIM TO THE FAITH OF HIS BLESSED SON JESUS\n             CHRIST.  HERE IS ALSO PARTICULARLY SHEWED, WHAT\n             SIGHT OF, AND WHAT TROUBLES HE HAD FOR SIN; AND\n             ALSO, WHAT VARIOUS TEMPTATIONS HE HATH MET WITH,\n                AND HOW GOD HATH CARRIED HIM THROUGH THEM.\n\n                _THOROUGHLY REVISED BY THE EIGHTH EDITION_\n\n                                   WITH\n                       EIGHT COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS\n                            BY HAROLD COPPING\n\n                      [Picture: Decorative graphic]\n\n                                  London\n                       THE RELIGIOUS TRACT SOLCIETY\n              4 Bouverie Street and 65 St Paul\u2019s Churchyard\n                                   1905\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n                     _Come and hear all ye that fear_\n                 _God_, _and I will declare what He hath_\n                  _done for my soul_.\u2014_Psalm lxvi. 16_.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n\n\n\nPREFATORY NOTE\n\n\nTHE text in this edition is as nearly as possible that of the eighth,\nwhich was corrected by Bunyan himself a few weeks before his death.  The\ntext of \u2018A Relation\u2019 is that of the first edition of 1765.  A few minor\nchanges have been introduced for the convenience of the reader.  The use\nof capital letters has been considerably modified, and the orthography\nhas been in places modernized.  In some few instances the Scripture\nreferences have been added to quotations where they did not appear in the\noriginal.  It must be remembered that Bunyan often quoted Scripture\ninexactly, and it has not been deemed necessary to make all his\nquotations follow the text of the Authorized Version.\n\nThe marginal summary is not part of the original, but has been prepared\nfor this edition in order that it may correspond with the Society\u2019s\neditions of the \u2018Pilgrim\u2019s Progress.\u2019 {7}\n\nThe illustrations have been prepared for this work by Mr. Harold Copping,\nwhose illustrations to the \u2018Pilgrim\u2019s Progress\u2019 have justly attracted\nmuch attention.\n\n\n\n\nCONTENTS\n\n                                                                  PAGE\nPREFATORY NOTE                                                       7\nA PREFACE                                                           11\nGRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS, paragraphs 1\u2013339           17\n       A Brief Account of the Author\u2019s Call to the Work of         147\n       the Ministry\n       A Brief Account of the Author\u2019s Imprisonment                169\n       The Conclusion, paragraphs 1\u20137                              180\nA RELATION OF THE IMPRISONMENT OF THE AUTHOR IN THE MONTH          183\nOF NOVEMBER 1660\nA CONTINUATION OF THE AUTHOR\u2019S LIFE                                229\nA BRIEF CHARACTER OF THE AUTHOR                                    241\nPOSTSCRIPT                                                         243\n\n\n\n\nA PREFACE\n\n\nOR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK.  WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR\nTHEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET\nTO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD\n\nCHILDREN, Grace be with you.  _Amen_.  I being taken from you in\npresence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from God\ndoth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and building up\nin faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my soul hath fatherly\ncare and desire after your spiritual and everlasting welfare, I now once\nagain, as before, from the top of _Shenir_ and _Hermon_, so now from _the\nlions\u2019 dens_, _from the mountains of the leopards_ (Song iv. 8), do look\nyet after you all, greatly longing to see your safe arrival into THE\ndesired Haven.\n\nI thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while I\nstick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the grace and\nmercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God hath bestowed upon\nyou, with abundance of faith and love; your hungerings and thirstings\nafter farther acquaintance with the Father, in the Son; your tenderness\nof heart, your trembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also,\nbefore both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; _For ye are our\nglory and joy_.  1 Thess. ii. 20.\n\nI have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have taken out\nof the carcase of a lion.  Judg. xiv. 5\u20138.  I have eaten thereof myself,\nand am much refreshed thereby.  (Temptations, when we meet them at first,\nare as the lion that roared upon _Samson_; but if we overcome them, the\nnext time we see them, we shall find a nest of honey within them.)  The\n_Philistines_ understand me not.  It is something of a relation of the\nwork of God upon my soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you\nmay perceive my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His\nhands make whole.  It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, _The\nfather to the children shall make known Thy truth_.  Yea, it was for this\nreason I lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the\ncloud, and the darkness, _that I might fear the Lord all the days of my\nlife upon earth_, _and tell of His wondrous works to my children_.  Psalm\nlxxviii. 3\u20135.\n\nMoses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of\n_Israel_, from _Egypt_ to the land of _Canaan_; and commanded also that\nthey did remember their forty years\u2019 travel in the wilderness.  _Thou\nshalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty\nyears in the wilderness_, _to humble thee_, _and to prove thee_, _and to\nknow what was in thine heart_, _whether thou wouldst keep His\ncommandments_, _or no_.  Deut. viii. 2.  Wherefore this I have\nendeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; that, if God\nwill, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath done for their\nsouls, by reading His work upon me.\n\nIt is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the very\nbeginnings of grace with their souls.  _It is a night to be much observed\nunto the Lord_, _for bringing them out from the land of Egypt_.  _This is\nthat night of the Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in\ntheir generations_.  Exod. xii. 42.  _O my God_ (saith _David_), Ps.\nxlii. 6, _my soul is cast down within me_; _therefore will I remember\nthee from the land of Jordan_, _and of the Hermonites_, _from the hill\nMizar_.  He remembered also the lion and the bear, when he went to fight\nwith the giant of _Gath_.  1 Sam. xvii. 36, 37.\n\nIt was _Paul\u2019s_ accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, when tried for\nhis life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner of his\nconversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, in which he first\ndid meet with grace; for he found it supported him.  When God had brought\nthe children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far into the wilderness, yet\nthey must turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning of\ntheir enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though they sang his praise\nbefore, yet they soon forgat his works.  Psalm cvi. 11, 12.\n\nIn this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the grace of\nGod towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for it was above my\nsins and Satan\u2019s temptations too.  I can remember my fears and doubts,\nand sad months, with comfort; they are as the head of _Goliah_ in my\nhand: there was nothing to _David_ like _Goliah\u2019s_ sword, even that sword\nthat should have been sheathed in his bowels; for the very sight and\nremembrance of that did preach forth God\u2019s deliverance to him.  Oh! the\nremembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of my great\nfear of perishing for ever!  They bring afresh into my mind, the\nremembrance of my great help, my great supports from heaven, and the\ngreat grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.\n\nMy dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of ancient\ntimes: remember also your songs in the night, and commune with your own\nHearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5\u201312.  Yea, look diligently, and leave no corner\ntherein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the treasure of your first\nand second experience of the grace of God towards you.  Remember, I say,\nthe word that first laid hold upon you: remember your terrors of\nconscience, and fear of death and hell: remember also your tears and\nprayers to God; yea, how you sighed under every hedge for mercy.  Have\nyou never a hill _Mizar_ to remember?  Have you forgot the close, the\nmilk-house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your\nsouls?  Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath\ncaused you to hope: if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted\nto blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights\nagainst you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was thus\nwith your father; _but out of them all the Lord delivered me_.\n\nI could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations and\ntroubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working of God\nwith my soul: I could also have stepped into a style much higher than\nthis, in which I have here discoursed, and could have adorned all things\nmore than here I have seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not play in\ntempting of me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the bottomless\npit, when the _pangs of hell caught hold upon me_; wherefore I may not\nplay in relating of them, but be plain and simple, and lay down the thing\nas it was; he that liketh it, let him receive it, and he that doth not,\nlet him produce a better.  Farewell.\n\nMy dear Children,\n\n_The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness_.  _God be merciful to\nyou_, _and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land_.\n\n                                                              JOHN BUNYAN.\n\n\n\n\nGRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS\nOR,\nA BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR\nSERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN\n\n\nIN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it will\nnot be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give you a hint\nof my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and\nbounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified before\nthe sons of men.\n\n2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low and\ninconsiderable generation; my father\u2019s house being of that rank that is\nmeanest, and most despised of all the families in the land.  Wherefore, I\nhave not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born\nstate, according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnify\nthe heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me into the world,\nto partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.\n\n3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of my\nparents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me to school,\nto learn both to read and write; the which I also attained, according to\nthe rate of other poor men\u2019s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I\ndid soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long\nbefore the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.\n\n4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God in\nthe world, it was, indeed, _according to the course of this world and the\nspirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience_.  Eph. ii. 2, 3.\nIt was my delight to be \u2018taken captive by the devil _at his will_,\u2019 2\nTim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; the which did also so\nstrongly work, and put forth itself, both in my heart and life, and that\nfrom a child, that I had but few equals (especially considering my years,\nwhich were tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying, and\nblaspheming the holy name of God.\n\n5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they became as\na second nature to me; the which, as I have also with soberness\nconsidered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my childhood he\ndid scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and did terrify me with\nfearful visions.  For often, after I have spent this and the other day in\nsin, I have in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with the\napprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought,\nlaboured to draw me away with them, of which I could never be rid.\n\n6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and troubled with\nthe thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; still fearing, that it\nwould be my lot to be found at last among those devils and hellish\nfiends, who are there bound down with the chains and bonds of darkness,\nunto the judgment of the great day.\n\n7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten years\nold, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my many sports\nand childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was often much cast\ndown, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could I not let go my sins:\nyea, I was also then so overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I\nshould often wish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been\na devil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needs be,\nthat I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented\nmyself.\n\n8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I soon\nforgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance of them, as\nif they had never been: wherefore with more greediness, according to the\nstrength of nature, I did still let loose the reins of my lust, and\ndelighted in all transgressions against the law of God: so that until I\ncame to the state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth\nthat kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.\n\n9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in this\npoor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace prevented, I\nhad not only perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but had also laid\nmyself open, even to the stroke of those laws which bring some to\ndisgrace and open shame before the face of the world.\n\n10.  In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to me; I\ncould neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so that when I\nhave seen some read in those books that concerned Christian piety, it\nwould be as it were a prison to me.  _Then I said unto God_, _Depart from\nme_, _for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways_.  Job xxi. 14, 15.  I\nwas now void of all good consideration, heaven and hell were both out of\nsight and mind; and as for saving and damning, they were least in my\nthoughts.  _O Lord_, _Thou knowest my life_, _and my ways were not hid\nfrom Thee_!\n\n11.  But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with the\ngreatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the vileness of my\ncompanions; yet, even then, if I had at any time seen wicked things, by\nthose who professed goodness, it would make my spirit tremble.  As once\nabove all the rest, when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one\nto swear, that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a stroke\nupon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.\n\n12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not now\nwith convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with mercy.  For\nonce I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped drowning.\nAnother time I fell out of a boat into _Bedford_ river, but, mercy yet\npreserved me alive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of\nmy companions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, so I\nhaving a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and having stunned\nher, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and plucked her sting out\nwith my fingers; by which act had not God been merciful unto me, I might\nby my desperateness, have brought myself to my end.\n\n13.  This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When I was a\nsoldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place to besiege\nit; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company desired to go in\nmy room: to which, when I had consented, he took my place; and coming to\nthe siege, as he stood sentinel, he was shot in the head with a\nmusket-bullet and died.\n\n14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them did\nawaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and grew more\nand more rebellious against God, and careless of my own salvation.\n\n15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married state,\nand my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was counted godly:\nThis woman and I, though we came together as poor as poor might be (not\nhaving so much household stuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet\nthis she had for her part: _The Plain Man\u2019s Pathway to Heaven_ and _The\nPractice of Piety_; which her father had left her when he died.  In these\ntwo books I would sometimes read with her, wherein I also found some\nthings that were somewhat pleasing to me (but all this while I met with\nno conviction).  She also would be often telling of me what a godly man\nher father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his\nhouse, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in\nhis days, both in word and deed.\n\n          [Picture: Bunyan and his Wife read her Father\u2019s Books]\n\n16.  Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not reach\nmy heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet they did beget\nwithin me some desires to religion: so that because I knew no better, I\nfell in very eagerly with the religion of the times; to wit, to go to\nchurch twice a day, and that too with the foremost; and there should very\ndevoutly, both say and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life;\nbut withal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I\nadored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both the\nhigh-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to\nthe church; counting all things holy that were therein contained, and\nespecially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly\nblessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and\nwere principal in the holy temple, to do His work therein.\n\n17.  This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that\nhad I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched in his\nlife), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence him, and knit\nunto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear unto them (supposing\nthem the ministers of God), I could have laid down at their feet, and\nhave been trampled upon by them; their name, their garb, and work did so\nintoxicate and bewitch me.\n\n18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time, another thought\ncame in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the _Israelites_ or no?\nFor finding in the scripture that they were once the peculiar people of\nGod, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy.\nNow again, I found within me a great longing to be resolved about this\nquestion, but could not tell how I should: at last I asked my father of\nit; who told me, _No_, _we were not_.  Wherefore then I fell in my\nspirit, as to the hopes of that, and so remained.\n\n19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil of\nsin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what religion\nsoever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, I never thought of\nHim, or whether there was such a One, or no.  _Thus man_, _while blind_,\n_doth wander_, _but wearieth himself with vanity_, _for he knoweth not\nthe way to the city of God_.  Eccles. x. 15.\n\n20.  But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his subject\nwas, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of breaking that,\neither with labour, sports or otherwise.  (Now, I was, notwithstanding my\nreligion, one that took much delight in all manner of vice, and\nespecially that was the day that I did solace myself therewith):\nwherefore I fell in my conscience under his sermon, thinking and\nbelieving that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.\nAnd at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can\nremember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loaden therewith, and\nso went home when the sermon was ended, with a great burthen upon my\nspirit.\n\n21.  This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best delights,\nand did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it lasted not, for\nbefore I had well dined, the trouble began to go off my mind, and my\nheart returned to its old course: but oh! how glad was I, that this\ntrouble was gone from me, and that the fire was put out, that I might sin\nagain without control!  Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my\nfood, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom of sports\nand gaming, I returned with great delight.\n\n22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and having\nstruck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to strike it the\nsecond time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven into my soul, which\nsaid, _Wilt thou leave thy sins and go to heaven_, _or have thy sins and\ngo to hell_?  At this I was put to an exceeding maze; wherefore leaving\nmy cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with\nthe eyes of my understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me,\nas being very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely\nthreaten me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly\npractices.\n\n               [Picture: Bunyan hears a Voice from Heaven]\n\n23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this\nconclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set my sins\nagain before my face), _That I had been a great and grievous sinner_,\n_and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven_; _for Christ\nwould not forgive me_, _nor pardon my transgressions_.  Then I fell to\nmusing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it\nshould be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too\nlate; and therefore I resolved in my mind I would go on in sin: for,\nthought I, if the case be thus, my state is surely miserable; miserable\nif I leave my sins, and but miserable if I follow them; I can but be\ndamned, and if I must be so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be\ndamned for few.\n\n24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then were\npresent: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having made this\nconclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I well\nremember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess my soul,\nthat I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort than what I\nshould get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that on that I must\nnot think; wherefore I found within me great desire to take my fill of\nsin, still studying what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste\nthe sweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill my belly\nwith its delicates, lest I should die before I had my desire; for that I\nfeared greatly.  In these things, I protest before God, I lye not,\nneither do I feign this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and\nwith all my heart, my desires: _The good Lord_, _Whose mercy is\nunsearchable_, _forgive me my transgressions_!\n\n25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is more\nusual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to over-run the\nspirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and benumbing of\nconscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth with such despair,\nthat, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet they continually have a\nsecret conclusion within them, that there is no hope for them; _for they\nhave loved sins_, _therefore after them they will go_.  Jer. ii. 25, and\nxviii. 12.\n\n26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still\ngrudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I would.  This did\ncontinue with me about a month, or more; but one day, as I was standing\nat a neighbour\u2019s shop window, and there cursing and swearing, and playing\nthe madman, after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of the\nhouse, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly\nwretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate,\nthat she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, _that I was\nthe ungodliest fellow for swearing_, _that she ever heard in all her\nlife_; _and that I_, _by thus doing_, _was able to spoil all the youth in\nthe whole town_, _if they come but in my company_.\n\n27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and that\ntoo, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while I stood\nthere, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart that I might\nbe a little child again, that my father might learn me to speak without\nthis wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it,\nthat it is in vain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it\ncould never be.\n\n28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time forward,\nso leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself to observe it;\nand whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I put an oath before,\nand another behind, to make my words have authority; now I could, without\nit, speak better, and with more pleasantness than ever I could before.\nAll this while I knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and\nplays.\n\n29.  But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man that\nmade profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk pleasantly\nof the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; wherefore falling into\nsome love and liking to what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began\nto take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical\npart thereof; for as for Paul\u2019s Epistles, and such like scriptures, I\ncould not away with them, being as yet ignorant, either of the\ncorruptions of my nature, or of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to\nsave me.\n\n30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words and\nlife, and did set the commandments before me for my way to heaven; which\ncommandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I thought, did keep them\npretty well sometimes, and then I should have comfort; yet now and then\nshould break one, and so afflict my conscience; but then I should repent,\nand say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and\nthere get help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man\nin _England_.\n\n31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours did\ntake me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and did marvel\nmuch to see such a great and famous alteration in my life and manners;\nand indeed so it was, though yet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith,\nnor hope; for, as I have well seen since, had I then died, my state had\nbeen most fearful.\n\n32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great conversion,\nfrom prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral life; and truly,\nso they well might; for this my conversion was as great, as for Tom of\nBethlehem to become a sober man.  Now therefore they began to praise, to\ncommend, and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind my back.\nNow I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become a right honest\nman.  But oh! when I understood these were their words and opinions of\nme, it pleased me mighty well.  For, though as yet I was nothing but a\npoor painted hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was\ntruly godly.  I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did,\neither to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus I\ncontinued for about a twelvemonth, or more.\n\n33.  Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight in\nringing, but my _conscience_ beginning to be tender, I thought such\n_practice_ was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave it; yet my\nmind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on,\nthough I durst not ring: but I thought this did not become religion\nneither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, but quickly after,\nI began to think, _how if one of the bells should fall_?  Then I chose to\nstand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to\nside, thinking here I might stand sure; but then I should think again,\nshould the bell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then,\nrebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me stand\nin the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; for if the\nbell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick walls, and so be\npreserved notwithstanding.\n\n34.  So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not go any\nfarther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my head, how if the\nsteeple itself should fall?  And this thought (it may for aught I know)\nwhen I stood and looked on, did continually so shake my mind, that I\ndurst not stand at the steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee,\nfor fear the steeple should fall upon my head.\n\n                     [Picture: Bunyan at the Steeple]\n\n35.  Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I could\nquite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept this or that\ncommandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I thought was good, I\nhad great peace in my conscience, and should think with myself, God\ncannot choose but be now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own\nway, I thought no man in _England_ could please God better than I.\n\n36.  But poor wretch as I was!  I was all this while ignorant of Jesus\nChrist; and going about to establish my own righteousness; and had\nperished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my state by\nnature.\n\n37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to _Bedford_,\nto work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that town, I came\nwhere there were three or four poor women sitting at a door, in the sun,\ntalking about the things of God; and being now willing to hear them\ndiscourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk\ntalker also myself, in the matters of religion; but I may say, _I heard\nbut understood not_; for they were far above, out of my reach.  Their\ntalk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, also how\nthey were convinced of their miserable state by nature; they talked how\nGod had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with\nwhat words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and\nsupported, against the temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned\nof the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to\neach other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were borne up\nunder his assaults.  They also discoursed of their own wretchedness of\nheart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own\nrighteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do them any good.\n\n          [Picture: Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford]\n\n38.  And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they spake\nwith such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such appearance of\ngrace in all they said, that they were to me, as if they had found a new\nworld; as if they were _people that dwelt alone_, _and were not to be\nreckoned among their neighbours_.  Numb. xxiii. 9.\n\n39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my\ncondition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion\nand salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; neither knew I\nthe comfort of the word and promise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery\nof my own wicked heart.  As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of\nthem; neither did I understand what Satan\u2019s temptations were, nor how\nthey were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.\n\n40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they said, I\nleft them, and went about my employment again, but their talk and\ndiscourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with them, for I was\ngreatly affected with their words, both because by them I was convinced\nthat I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly man, and also because by\nthem I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was\nsuch a one.\n\n41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again and\nagain into the company of these poor people; for I could not stay away;\nand the more I went amongst them, the more I did question my condition;\nand as I still do remember, presently I found two things within me, at\nwhich I did sometimes marvel (especially considering what a blind,\nignorant, sordid and ungodly wretch but just before I was).  The one was\na very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall\nunder the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other\nwas a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on\nall other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.\n\n42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an\nhorse-leech at the vein, still crying out, _Give_, _Give_, Prov. xxx. 15;\nyea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the kingdom of\nheaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but\nlittle), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor\nthreats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though I may\nspeak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would\nthen have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to\nearth, as I have found it often since, to get again from earth to heaven.\n\n43.  One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom\nmy heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he being a most\nwicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and whoreing, I now shook him\noff, and forsook his company; but about a quarter of a year after I had\nleft him, I met him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he,\nafter his old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well.  But, Harry,\nsaid I, _why do you curse and swear thus_?  _What will become of you_,\n_if you die in this condition_?  He answered me in a great chafe, _What\nwould the devil do for company_, _if it were not for such as I am_?\n\n44.  About this time I met with some Ranters\u2019 books, that were put forth\nby some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in esteem by\nseveral old professors; some of these I read, but was not able to make\nany judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon\nthem (seeing myself unable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty\nprayer in this manner.  _O Lord_, _I am a fool_, _and not able to know\nthe truth from error_: _Lord_, _leave me not to my own blindness_,\n_either to approve of or condemn this doctrine_; _if it be of God_, _let\nme not despise it_; _if it be of the devil_, _let me not embrace it_.\n_Lord_, _I lay my soul in this matter only at Thy foot_, _let me not be\ndeceived_, _I humbly beseech Thee_.  I had one religious intimate\ncompanion all this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before;\nbut about this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gave\nhimself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness: he would\nalso deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all\nexhortations to sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he\nwould laugh the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions,\nand could never light on the right till now.  He told me also, that in a\nlittle time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters.\nWherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left his company\nforthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I had been before a\nfamiliar.\n\n45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling lying\nin the country, I happened to light into several people\u2019s company, who\nthough strict in religion formerly, yet were also swept away by these\nRanters.  These would also talk with me of their ways, and condemn me as\nlegal and dark; pretending that they only had attained to perfection,\nthat could do what they would and not sin.  Oh! these temptations were\nsuitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime;\nbut God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in\nthe fear of His name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed\nprinciples.  And blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him\nto be kept and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have\nsince seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not\nonly from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up since.\nThe Bible was precious to me in those days.\n\n46.  And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new eyes, and\nread as I never did before, and especially the epistles of the apostle St\nPaul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I was then never out of\nthe Bible, either by reading or meditation; still crying out to God, that\nI might know the truth, and way to heaven and glory.\n\n47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, _To one is\ngiven_, _by the Spirit_, _the word of wisdom_; _to another the word\nknowledge by the same Spirit_; _and to another faith_, etc.  1 Cor. xii.\nAnd though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the Holy Ghost\nintends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten\nwith conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding\nand wisdom that other Christians had.  On this word I mused, and could\nnot tell what to do, especially this word \u2018Faith\u2019 put me to it, for I\ncould not help it, but sometimes must question, whether I had any faith,\nor no; but I was loath to conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so,\nthought I, then I shall count myself a very cast-away indeed.\n\n48.  No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an ignorant\nsot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding\nthat other people have; yet at a venture I will conclude, I am not\naltogether faithless, though I know not what faith is; for it was shewn\nme, and that too (as I have seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude\nthemselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their\nsouls; and I was loath to fall quite into despair.\n\n49.  Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid to see\nmy want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo and destroy my\nsoul, but did continually, against this my sad and blind conclusion,\ncreate still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest\ncontent, until I did now come to some certain knowledge, whether I had\nfaith or no, this always running in my mind, _But how if you want faith\nindeed_?  _But how can you tell you have faith_?  And besides, I saw for\ncertain, if I had not, I was sure to perish for ever.\n\n50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the business\nof Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the matter, was\nwilling to put myself upon the trial whether I had faith or no.  But\nalas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this\nday no more how to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that\nrare and curious piece of art, which I never yet saw or considered.\n\n51.  Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my plunge\nabout it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this matter broken my\nmind to no man, only did hear and consider), the tempter came in with\nthis delusion, _That there was no way for me to know I had faith_, _but\nby trying to work some miracle_; urging those scriptures that seem to\nlook that way, for the enforcing and strengthening his temptation.  Nay,\none day, as I was between _Elstow_ and _Bedford_, the temptation was hot\nupon me, to try if I had faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at\nthis time was this, I must say to the _puddles_ that were in the\nhorsepads, _Be dry_; and to the _dry places_, _Be you puddles_: and truly\none time I was going to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak,\nthis thought came into my mind; _But go under yonder hedge and pray\nfirst_, _that God would make you able_.  But when I had concluded to\npray, this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried\nto do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no\nfaith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will\nnot try yet, but will stay a little longer.\n\n52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had\nfaith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the\npresent I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to\nhave it.  Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and\nso perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.\n\n53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at\nBedford was thus, _in a kind of a vision_, presented to me, I saw as if\nthey were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing\nthemselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and\nshrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds:\nmethought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about\nthis mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass;\nconcluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them,\nand there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.\n\n54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still\nprying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I\nmight enter therein: but none could I find for some time: at the last, I\nsaw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall,\nthrough which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being very strait and\nnarrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was\nwell-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great\nstriving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a\nsideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding\nglad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with\nthe light and heat of their sun.\n\n55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: The\nmountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone\nthereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were\ntherein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation\nbetween the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall,\nI thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father.  John xiv.\n6; Matt. vii. 14.  But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow,\neven so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in\nthereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that\nwere in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world\nbehind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body\nand soul and sin.\n\n56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I\nsaw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a\nvehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the\nsunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home or\nabroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of\nheart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, _O Lord_, _consider my\ndistress_; for as yet I knew not where I was.\n\n57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I\nhad faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, I began to\nfind my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness;\nespecially with such as these, _whether I was elected_?  _But how_, _if\nthe day of grace should now be past and gone_?\n\n58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted;\nsometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  And first, to\nspeak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time,\nthat though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and\nthough nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so\noffend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the\nvery strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power\nthereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my\ndesires; _It is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that runneth_; _but\nof God that showeth mercy_.  Rom. ix. 16.\n\n59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently\nsaw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had\nvoluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire,\nand long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.\nTherefore this would stick with me, _How can you tell that you are\nelected_?  _And what if you should not_?  _How then_?\n\n60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed?  It may be you are\nnot, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I.  Why then, said\nSatan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed,\nyou should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your\nbeing saved; _For it is not of him that willeth_, _nor of him that\nrunneth_; _but of God that showeth mercy_.\n\n61.  By these things I was driven to my wits\u2019 end, not knowing what to\nsay, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought that\nSatan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence thus\nto start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life;\nthat, I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was\none of them, there lay the question.\n\n62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and\nperplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I\nwent, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many\nweeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the\nghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with\nweight upon my spirit, _Look at the generations of old_, _and see_; _did\never any trust in God_, _and were confounded_?\n\n63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; for\nthus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: _Begin at the\nbeginning of Genesis_, _and read to the end of the Revelations_, _and see\nif you can find_, _that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord_,\n_and were confounded_.  So coming home, I presently went to my Bible, to\nsee if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently;\nfor it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit,\nthat it was as if it talked with me.\n\n64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did\nI ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was,\nbut they knew no such place.  At this I wondered, that such a sentence\nshould so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide\nupon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but\nthat it was in holy scripture).\n\n65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at\nlast, casting my eye upon the _Apocrypha_ books, I found it in\n_Ecclesiasticus_, Eccles. ii. 10.  This, at the first, did somewhat daunt\nme; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and\nkindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered\nthat though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical;\nyet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the\npromises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for\nthat word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine\nbefore my face.\n\n66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, _But\nhow if the day of grace should be past and gone_?  How if you have\noverstood the time of mercy?  Now I remember that one day, as I was\nwalking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, _But how if\nthe day of grace is past_?  And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter\npresented to my mind those good people of _Bedford_, and suggested thus\nunto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would\nsave in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the\nblessing before I came.\n\n67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might\nwell be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition;\ncounting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus\nlong, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out,\nOh! that I had turned sooner!  Oh! that I had turned seven years ago!  It\nmade me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit,\nbut to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.\n\n68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able\nto take one step more, just about the same place where I received my\nother encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, _Compel them to\ncome in_, _that my house may be filled_; _and yet there is room_.  Luke\nxiv. 22, 23.  These words, but especially those, _And yet there is room_,\nwere sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was\nplace enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did\nspeak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the\ntime would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no\nplace left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it\nupon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.\nThis I then verily believed.\n\n69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while;\nand the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should\nthink on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose\nfor my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to\nencourage me withal.\n\n70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I\nsay, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I\nthank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the\nday of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would\noften also think on _Nebuchadnezzar_; of whom it is said, _He had given\nhim all the kingdoms of the earth_.  Dan. v. 18, 19.  Yet, thought I, if\nthis great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire\nwould make him forget all.  Which consideration was a great help to me.\n\n71.  I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the\nbeasts that _Moses_ counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts\nwere types of men; the _clean_, types of them that were the people of\nGod; but the _unclean_, types of such as were the children of the wicked\none.  Now I read, that the clean beasts _chewed the cud_; that is,\nthought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also\n_parted the hoof_.  I thought that signified, we must part, if we would\nbe saved, with the ways of ungodly men.  And also, in further reading\nabout them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the _hare_; yet\nif we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the\n_swine_, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for\nall that, but unclean: for I thought the _hare_ to be a type of those\nthat talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the _swine_\nwas like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth\nthe word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let\na man be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this, I found by reading the\nword, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world\n_must be called by Him here_; called to the partaking of a share in His\nword and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His\nSpirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do\nindeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in\nheaven above.\n\n72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do,\nfearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then\ncan do me good?  None but those who are effectually called inherit the\nkingdom of heaven.  But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a\n_Christian\u2019s calling_! as when the Lord said to one, _Follow Me_; and to\nanother, _Come after Me_: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me\ntoo: how gladly would I run after Him!\n\n73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I\ncried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame\nto be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory\nin a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share\ntherein.  Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have\ngiven for it?  Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand\ntimes over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.\n\n74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be\nconverted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a people that\ncarried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh! I saw the lot was\nfallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.  Psalm\nxvi.  But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, _He\ngoeth up into a mountain_, _and calleth unto Him whom He would_, _and\nthey came unto Him_.  Mark iii. 13.\n\n75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my\nsoul.  That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no\nliking to me, for He called _whom He would_.  But oh! the glory that I\nsaw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom\nread of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, _Would I had\nbeen in their clothes_, _would I had been born Peter_; _would I had been\nborn John_; _or_, _would I had been by and had heard Him when He called\nthem_, _how would I have cried_, _O Lord_, _call me also_!  _But_, _oh_!\n_I feared He would not call me_.\n\n76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed\nme nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but\nat last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be\nmade partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon\nme: _I will cleanse their blood_, _that I have not cleansed_, _for the\nLord dwelleth in Zion_.  Joel iii. 21.  These words I thought were sent\nto encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I\nwere not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto\nChrist.\n\n77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in\n_Bedford_, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they\ntold Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me,\nand was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little\ngrounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer\nwith others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I\nstill received more conviction, and from that time began to see something\nof the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I\nknew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me,\nand also to work at that rate as it never did before.  Now I evidently\nfound, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in\nwicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires\nalso for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before\nmy soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every\nfoolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was\ngood; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now\ncontinually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on\nthe leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.\n\n78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from\nconversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sink greatly in\nmy soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid\nme as low as hell.  If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not\nbelieve that Christ had love for me: alas!  I could neither hear Him, nor\nsee Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with\na tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the _Canaanites_ would dwell in\nthe land.\n\n79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which,\nwhen they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises;\nbut they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my\nfinger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon\nI should have done it.  All my sense and feeling were against me; and I\nsaw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would\ncondemn.\n\n80.  These things have often made me think of the child which the father\nbrought to Christ, _who_, _while he was yet coming to Him_, _was thrown\ndown by the devil_, _and also so rent and torn by him_, _that he lay down\nand wallowed_, _foaming_.  Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.\n\n81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up\nagainst the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to\nset, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too\neven then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break\nit open: _Lord_, _break these gates of brass_, _and cut these bars of\niron asunder_.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet that word would sometimes create in\nmy heart a peaceable pause, _I girded thee_, _though thou hast not known\nMe_.  Isaiah xlv. 5.\n\n82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more\ntender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or\nstick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and\nwould smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words,\nfor fear I should misplace them.  Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all\nI did or said!  I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but\nstir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and\nall good things.\n\n83.  But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion,\nyet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me;\nonly He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a\nsinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without\nfault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in\nthe Person of Jesus Christ.\n\n84.  But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and\naffliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself\nwithin me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I\nwas more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was\nso in God\u2019s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally\nbubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I\nthought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have\nchanged heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could\nequalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind.  I fell\ntherefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; for I\nconcluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand with a\nstate of grace.  Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given\nup to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long\nwhile, even for some years together.\n\n85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there\nwere two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people\nhunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here\nalways: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast\ndown, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc.\nLord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as these!\nWhat seeking after carnal things, by some, and what grief in others for\nthe loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears\nfor the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and\nprayed for!  My soul is dying, my soul is damning.  Were my soul but in a\ngood condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem\nmyself, though blessed but with bread and water!  I should count those\nbut small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens.  _A\nwounded spirit who can bear_!\n\n86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the\nsight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let\nthis sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of\nconscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a\nman grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better.\nWherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood\nof Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the\nsense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away),\nthen I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the\npunishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, _Lord_,\n_let it not go off my heart_, _but the right way_, _by the blood of\nChrist_, _and the application of Thy mercy_, _through Him_, _to my soul_,\nfor that scripture lay much upon me, _without shedding of blood is no\nremission_.  Heb. ix. 22.  And that which made me the more afraid of\nthis, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under\nwounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease\nfrom their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost\ntheir guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the\nwrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and\nblinder, and more wicked after their trouble.  This made me afraid, and\nmade me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me.\n\n87.  And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I was a\nreprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the\ncreatures.  Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I\ncounted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.\n\n88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much\ngoodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.  Man indeed\nis the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but\nby sin he has made himself the most ignoble.  The beasts, birds, fishes,\netc.  I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they\nwere not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they were not to go to hell-fire\nafter death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as\nany of theirs.\n\n89.  In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was\ncome, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1,\n_Behold_, _thou art fair_, _my love_, _behold_, _thou art fair_.  But at\nthat time he made these two words, _my love_, his chief and subject\nmatter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed\nthese several conclusions: 1. _That the church_, _and so every saved\nsoul_, _is Christ\u2019s love_, _when loveless_.  2. _Christ\u2019s love without a\ncause_.  3. _Christ\u2019s love_, _when hated of the world_.  4. _Christ\u2019s\nlove_, _when under temptation and under destruction_.  5. _Christ\u2019s\nlove_, _from first to last_.\n\n90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to\nthe application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; _If\nit be so_, _that the saved soul is Christ\u2019s love_, _when under temptation\nand desertion_; _then poor tempted soul_, _when thou art assaulted_, _and\nafflicted with temptations_, _and the hidings of God\u2019s face_, _yet think\non these two words_, \u2018My love,\u2019 _still_.\n\n91.  So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and\nI well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, _What shall I\nget by thinking on these two words_?  This thought had no sooner passed\nthrough my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit,\n_Thou art My Love_, _thou art My Dove_, twenty times together; and still\nas they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make\nme look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in\nmy heart, _But is it true_, _but is it true_?  At which that sentence\nfell upon me, _He wist not that it was true_, _which was done by the\nAngel_.  Acts xii. 9.\n\n92.  Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over\nand over make this joyful sound within my soul, \u2018_Thou art my Love_,\n_thou art My Love_, _and nothing shall separate thee from My Love_.  And\nwith that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could\nbelieve that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with\nthe love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to\ncontain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and\nhave told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the\nploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me:\nwherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, _Well_, _I would I had a\npen and ink here_, _I would write this down before I go any farther_;\n_for surely I will not forget this forty years hence_.  But, alas! within\nless than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin\nto question all still.\n\n93.  Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true\nmanifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life\nand favour of it.  Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much\nfollowed by this scripture, _Simon_, _Simon_; _behold_, _Satan hath\ndesired to have you_, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud\nwithin me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once,\nabove all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily\nthat some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance,\nmethought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have\nstirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me,\nthat a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it\nnot.\n\n94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the\nlast time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with\nwhat a loud voice these words, _Simon_, _Simon_, sounded in mine ears.  I\nthought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,\nthat was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it\nmade me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud,\nmeant me.\n\n95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of\nthis sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from\nheaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I\nshould muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of\nthis scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still\nbe sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon\nafter perceived the end of God therein.\n\n96.  For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down\nupon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with\nbefore; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another:\nFirst, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me;\nafter which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and\nthe scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and\nastonishment.  These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up\nquestions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved\nSon: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ?  And whether the\nholy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy\nand pure word of God?\n\n97.  The tempter would also much assault me with this, _How can you tell\nbut that the_ Turks _had as good scriptures to prove their_ Mahomet _the\nSaviour_, _as we have to prove our Jesus is_?  _And_, _could I think_,\n_that so many ten thousands_, _in so many countries and kingdoms_,\n_should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven_, (_if there\nwere indeed a heaven_); _and that we only_, _who live in a corner of the\nearth_, _should alone be blessed therewith_?  _Every one doth think his\nown religion rightest_, _both_ Jews _and_ Moors, _and_ Pagans; _and how\nif all our faith_, _and Christ_, _and scriptures_, _should be but a think\nso too_?\n\n98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and\nto set some of the sentences of blessed _Paul_ against them; but alas! I\nquickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again\nupon me, _Though we made so great a matter of Paul_, _and of his words_,\n_yet how could I tell_, _but that in very deed_, _he being a subtle and\ncunning man_, _might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions_:\n_and also take the pains and travel_, _to undo and destroy his fellows_.\n\n99.  These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not,\nand dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon\nmy spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number,\ncontinuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else\nbut these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there\ncould be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very\nwrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as\nwith a mighty whirlwind.\n\n100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, _I felt there\nwas something in me that refused to embrace them_.  But this\nconsideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my\nspittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these\ntemptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such\nthoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing.  While I was in this\ntemptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and\nswear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son,\nand of the scriptures.\n\n101.  Now I thought, _surely I am possessed of the devil_: at other\ntimes, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of\nlauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him\nspoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other\nwould bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that\nGod was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace,\nnor gracious disposition could I feel within me.\n\n102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded\nthat such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God.\nI often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare\nmyself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up\nin her arms, and is carrying from friend and country.  Kick sometimes I\ndid, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the\ntemptation, and the wind would carry me away.  I thought also of Saul,\nand of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my\ncondition was the same with that of his.  1 Sam. x.\n\n103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin\nagainst the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to\nsin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither\nshould be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but\nthat.  If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have\nbeen as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no;\nand in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have\nbeen ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening;\nand to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my\nhead downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from\nspeaking.\n\n104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted\nthe estate of every thing that God had made, far better than this\ndreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.  Yea, gladly\nwould I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had\nno souls to perish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine\nwas like to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to\npieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find,\nthat with all my soul I did desire deliverance.  That scripture did also\ntear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, _The wicked are\nlike the troubled sea_, _when it cannot rest_, _whose waters cast up mire\nand dirt_.  _There is no peace_, _saith my God_, _to the wicked_.  Isa.\nlvii. 20, 21.\n\n105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have\ngiven a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor\nsometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected, to think that\nthis would be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and\nothers again, could rejoice and bless God for Christ; and others again,\ncould quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of God; while\nI only was in the storm or tempest.  This much sunk me, I thought my\ncondition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get\nout of, or get rid of these things, I could not.\n\n106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could\nattend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great\naffliction.  Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies.  If I had\nbeen hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would\nhold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had\nsudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be\nso strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things, that I have\nneither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that\nbut now I have read.\n\n107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes\nI have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be\nalso continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make\nhaste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind\naway.  Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these;\nthat I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that,\n_Fall down_; or, _if thou wilt fall down and worship me_.  Matt. iii. 9.\n\n108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of\nthis duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon God; then\nwith great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound\nme, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the\nform of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to\nthese: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind,\nthat I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else\nbut to these, or such as they.\n\n109.  Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting\napprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.  But,\noh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with\nunexpressible groanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I should\ncry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I\nshould be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that\nGod did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the\nholy angels, _This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me_, _as if I had\nnothing to do with My mercy_, _but to bestow it on such as he_.  _Alas_,\n_poor soul_! _how art thou deceived_!  _It is not for such as thee to\nhave favour with the Highest_.\n\n110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements\nas these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this\nframe shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_,\n_but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were\nfallen off, would be set before mine eyes).  Then I should be afraid that\nI should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind:\nwell, I will watch, and take what care I can.  _Though you do_, said\nSatan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by\ndegrees_, _by little and little_.  _What care I_, saith he, _though I be\nseven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_?\n_Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it\nclose_, _but I will have my end accomplished_.  _Though you be burning\nhot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold\nbefore it be long_.\n\n111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present\ncould not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long,\nwould make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear\neven the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the\nneed I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and\nthought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make\nme slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met\nwith adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to\nme, after I had suffered these things a while:\u2014_I am persuaded that\nneither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from\nthe love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_.  Rom. viii. 38, 39.\nAnd now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of\nheaven.\n\n112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then\nall questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to\nme; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though\nwe have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry\nunto God, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return\nunto Him.\n\n113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He\nhath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be\nmade the righteousness of God in Him_.  I remember that one day, as I was\nsitting in a neighbour\u2019s house, and there very sad at the consideration\nof my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have\nI to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever\ninherit eternal life_?  That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we\nsay to these things_?  _If God be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom.\nviii. 31.  That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall\nlive also_.  John xiv. 19.  But these words were but hints, touches, and\nshort visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but,\n_like to_ Peter\u2019s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to\nheaven again_.  Acts x. 16.\n\n114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover\nHimself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the\nguilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from\nthe very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put\ninto my right mind again, as other Christians were.\n\n115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the country, and\nmusing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the\nenmity that was in me to God, that scripture came into my mind, _Having\nmade peace through the blood of His cross_.  Col. i. 20.  By which I was\nmade to see, both again and again, that God and my soul were friends by\nHis blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could\nembrace and kiss each other, through His blood.  This was a good day to\nme; I hope I shall never forget it.\n\n116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was musing\non my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word unto me,\n_Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood_, _He\nalso Himself likewise took part of the same_, _that through death He\nmight destroy him that had the power of death_, _that is the devil_; _and\ndeliver those who through fear of death_, _were all their lifetime\nsubject to bondage_.  Heb. ii. 14, 15.  I thought that the glory of these\nwords was then so weighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to\nswoon as I sate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and\npeace.\n\n117.  At this time also I sate under of holy Mr _Gifford_, whose\ndoctrine, by God\u2019s grace, was much for my stability.  This man made it\nmuch his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and\nunsound tests, that by nature we are prone to.  He would bid us take\nspecial heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as from this, or\nthat, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily to God, that He would\nconvince us of the reality thereof, and set us down therein by His own\nSpirit in the holy word; _For_, said he, _if you do otherwise_, _when\ntemptations come_, _if strongly_, _you not having received them with\nevidence from heaven_, _will find you want that help and strength now to\nresist_, _that once you thought you had_.\n\n118.  This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter rains\nin their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth\nof these his words: for I had felt _no man can say_, especially when\ntempted by the devil, _that Jesus Christ is Lord_, _but by the Holy\nGhost_).  Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in\nthis doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that\npertained to God\u2019s glory, and my own eternal happiness, He would suffer\nme to be without the confirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw\nclearly, there was an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the\nflesh and blood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a great\ndifference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according to man\u2019s\nwisdom, and that which comes by a man\u2019s being born thereto of God.  Matt.\nxvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.\n\n119.  But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!  Even\nfrom the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second\ncoming from heaven to judge the world!\n\n120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was very good\nunto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing that I then\ncried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but He was pleased to\ndo it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I\nwas orderly led into it: methought I saw with great evidence, from the\nrelation of the four evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving\nJesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth, even to His\nsecond coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as\nif I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world,\nfrom the cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how\ngently He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and\nwicked doings.  Also as I was musing on this His progress, that dropped\non my spirit, _He was ordained for the slaughter_.  1 Peter i. 12, 20.\n\n121.  When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have\nremembered that word, _Touch Me not_, _Mary_, etc., I have seen as if He\nhad leaped out of the grave\u2019s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and\nhad got the conquest over our dreadful foes.  John xx. 17.  I have also\nin the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of God the Father for\nme; and have seen the manner of His coming from heaven, to judge the\nworld with glory, and have been confirmed in these things by these\nscriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24\nand ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.\n\n112.  Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well\nas God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, let men say\nwhat they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was\nnothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth of God.  Well,\nI was much troubled about this point, and could not tell how to be\nresolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: _And I beheld_,\n_and_, _to_, _in the midst of the throne_, _and of the four beasts_, _and\nin the midst of the elders_, _stood a Lamb_, _as it had been slain_.  In\nthe midst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in the midst of\nthe elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister!\nIt was a goodly touch, and gave me sweet satisfaction.  That other\nscripture also did help me much in this, _For unto us a Child is born_,\n_unto us a Son is given_; _and the government shall be upon His\nshoulder_: _and His name shall be called Wonderful_, _Counsellor_, _the\nMighty God_, _the Everlasting Father_, _the Prince of Peace_, etc.  Isa.\nix. 6.\n\n123.  Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord made use\nof two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the errors of the\nQuakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose\nthis truth, so God did the more confirm me in it, by leading me into the\nscripture that did wonderfully maintain it.\n\n124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:\u2014\n\n\u20181.  That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.\n\n\u20182.  That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith,\netc.\n\n\u20183.  That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred years\nago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people.\n\n\u20184.  That Christ\u2019s flesh and blood were within the saints.\n\n\u20185.  That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the\nchurch-yard, shall not arise again.\n\n\u20186.  That the resurrection is past with good men already.\n\n\u20187.  That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on\nmount _Calvary_, in the land of _Canaan_, by _Jerusalem_, was not\nascended above the starry heavens.\n\n\u20188.  That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands of\nthe Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all nations,\u2019\netc.\n\n125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in those days fomented by\nthem, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of the scriptures,\nand was through their light and testimony, not only enlightened, but\ngreatly confirmed and comforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt\nof sin did help me much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood\nof Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too\nsweetly, according to the scripture.  _O friends_! _cry to God to reveal\nJesus Christ unto you_; _there is none teacheth like Him_.\n\n126.  It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how\nGod did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He did, that He\nmight so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how He did open them\nunto me, and make them shine before me, and cause them to dwell with me,\ntalk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and\nthe being of His Son, and Spirit, and word, and gospel.\n\n127.  Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that in\ngeneral, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to suffer me\nto be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and then reveal them\nunto me; as sometimes I should lie under great guilt for sin, even\ncrushed to the ground therewith; and then the Lord would show me the\ndeath of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I\nshould find, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, where\nbut just now did reign and rage the law, even there would rest and abide\nthe peace and love of God, through Christ.\n\n128.  Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from heaven,\nwith many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight.  Now could I\nremember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with\ncomfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come,\nthat I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion\nof Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and\nbody broken, and soul made an offering for my sins.  For whereas before I\nlay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got\nso far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern\nit!  And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might\ndie quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.\n\n129.  But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did\ngreatly long to see some ancient godly man\u2019s experience, who had writ\nsome hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our\ndays, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ\nonly that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their\nwits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived\nothers were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep.\nWell, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are\nall our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of _Martin\nLuther\u2019s_; it was his Comment on the _Galatians_; it also was so old,\nthat it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.\nNow I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the\nwhich when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his\nexperience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been\nwritten out of my heart.  This made me marvel: for thus thought I, _This\nman could not know any thing of the state of Christians now_, _but must\nneeds write and speak the experience of former days_.\n\n130.  Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise\nof these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like;\nshowing that the law of _Moses_, as well as the devil, death, and hell,\nhath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to\nme; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed.  But of\nparticulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall\nbefore all men\u2014I do prefer this book of _Martin Luther_ upon the\n_Galatians_ (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I\nhad seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.\n\n131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh!\nmethought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I\nfelt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as _Job_ said, _I thought I\nshould die in my nest_; but I did quickly find, that my great love was\nbut little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus\nChrist, could let Him go again for a very trifle,\u2014God can tell how to\nabase us, and can hide pride from man.  Quickly after this my love was\ntried to purpose.\n\n132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered\nme from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in\nthe faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation\nand blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love\nthrough Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more\ngrievous and dreadful temptation than before.\n\n133. And that was, _To sell and part with this most blessed Christ_, _to\nexchange Him for the things of this life_, _for any thing_.  The\ntemptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so\ncontinually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not\nsometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.\n\n134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were\nonce effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen\nmyself) could never lose Him for ever; _The land shall not be sold for\never_, _for the land is mine_, saith God.  Lev. xxv. 23.  Yet it was a\ncontinual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much as one such\nthought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He\nhad done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous\nones.\n\n135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire\nand endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the\ncontinuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost\nwhatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could\nneither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to\nlook on this or that, but still the temptation would come, _Sell Christ\nfor this_, _or sell Christ for that_; _sell Him_, _sell Him_.\n\n136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred\ntimes together, _Sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_: against which, I may\nsay, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually\nleaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were\naware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent\nthereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented\nto it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days\ntogether.\n\n137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some\ntimes, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the\nvery force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this\nwickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of\npushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as\nthe destroyer said, _Sell Him_; _I will not_, _I will not_, _I will not_,\n_I will not_; _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands of\nworlds_: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults,\nset too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or\nhow to be composed again.\n\n138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but,\nforsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to\npray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would\nthis devil be.  When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, _Now I am\nat meat_; _let me make an end_.  No, said he, _you must do it now_, _or\nyou will displease God_, _and despise Christ_.  Wherefore I was much\nafflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature\n(imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as\nif I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a\ntemptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.\n\n139.  But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at\nother times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, _To sell and\npart with Christ_; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, _Sell\nHim_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, _sell Him_, as fast as a man\ncould speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I\nanswered, _No_, _no_, _not for thousands_, _thousands_, _thousands_, at\nleast twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until\nI was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart,\n_Let Him go_, _if He will_; and I thought also, that I felt my heart\nfreely consent thereto.  Oh! the diligence of Satan!  Oh! the\ndesperateness of man\u2019s heart!\n\n140.  Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from\nthe top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.  Thus getting\nout of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy\na heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two\nhours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery,\nand bound over to eternal punishment.\n\n141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: _Or profane\npersons as Esau_, _who for one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_:\n_for ye know_, _how that afterward_, _when he would have inherited the\nblessing_, _he was rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_,\n_though he sought it carefully with tears_.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.\n\n142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to\ncome; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but\ndamnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would\nabide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the\nsequel you will see.\n\n143.  These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in\nthe continual sound of which I went for several months together.  But\nabout ten or eleven o\u2019clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge\n(full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard\nhap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence\nrushed in upon me, _The blood of Christ remits all guilt_.  At this I\nmade a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, _The\nblood of Jesus Christ His Son_, _cleanseth us from all sin_.  1 John i.\n7.\n\n144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as\nif the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what\nhe had done.  At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of\nChrist, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood\nof Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me,\nis to this vast and wide field that here I see.  This gave me good\nencouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also,\nmethought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but\nbecause it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding\nguilt again.\n\n145.  But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning _Esau\u2019s_\nselling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all\nthe week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so\nthat I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn\nto this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be\nsounding in me; _For ye know_, _how that afterwards_, _when he would have\ninherited the blessing_, _he found no place of repentance_, _though he\nsought it carefully with tears_.\n\n146.  Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii.\n31, _I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not_; but it would not\nabide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find\nground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that\ngrace in me, having sinned as I had done.  Now was I tore and rent in an\nheavy case for many days together.\n\n147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature\nand largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could\nin any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by\nwhich I might take relief.  Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark\niii. 28: _All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men_, _and\nblasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme_.  Which place,\nmethought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the\npardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought\nit was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who\nhad, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are\nmentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but\nthat had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I\nhad done.\n\n148.  I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that\nsin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh.  _But he that shall\nblaspheme against the Holy Ghost_, _hath never forgiveness_, _but is in\ndanger of eternal damnation_.  Mark iii. 29.  And I did the rather give\ncredit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: _For you know\nhow that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he\nwas rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought\nit carefully with tears_.  And this stuck always with me.\n\n149.  And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever\nso know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to\ndie.  Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything\nbut a man, and in any condition but my own!  For there was nothing did\npass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to\nbe forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.\n\n150.  And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a\nthousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be\ntempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my\nheart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces,\nthan be found a consenter thereto.  But alas! these thoughts, and\nwishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had\npassed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.  Oh! thought I,\n_that it were with me as in months past_, _as in the days when God\npreserved me_!  Job xxix. 2.\n\n151.  Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare\nmy sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were\nsaved, had done as I had done.  So I considered _David\u2019s_ adultery, and\nmurder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after\nlight and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions\nwere only such as were against the law of _Moses_, from which the Lord\nChrist could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was\nagainst the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my\nSaviour.\n\n152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I\nconsidered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so\nvoid of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I, must it be no sin but\nthis?  Must it needs be the _great transgression_?  Ps. xix. 13.  Must\n_that wicked one_ touch my soul?  1 John v. 18.  Oh! what sting did I\nfind in all these sentences?\n\n153.  What, thought I, is there but _one_ sin that is unpardonable? but\n_one_ sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God\u2019s mercy; and must\nI be guilty of _that_? must it needs be that?  Is there but one _sin_\namong _so many_ millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and\nmust I commit this?  Oh! unhappy _sin_!  Oh! unhappy _man_!  These things\nwould so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do;\nI thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to\naggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, _You know_, _how_, _that\nafterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was\nrejected_.  _Oh_! _no one knows the terrors of those days but myself_.\n\n154.  After this I began to consider of _Peter\u2019s_ sin, which he committed\nin denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that\nI could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy\nreceived; yea, and that too, after warning given him.  I also considered,\nthat he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider\nbetwixt.  But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if\npossible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but _a\ndenial of his Master_, but mine was, _a selling of my Saviour_.\nWherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to _Judas_, than\neither to _David_ or _Peter_.\n\n155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would\ngrind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God\ntowards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering\nof other men\u2019s sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently\nsee, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not\nlet them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.\n\n156.  But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that\nGod did set about His people!  Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom\nGod had hedged in!  They were within His care, protection, and special\nprovidence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He\nloved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy:\nbut as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor\nkeep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had\ndone.  Now did those blessed places that speak of God\u2019s keeping His\npeople, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to\nshow me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had\nblessed.\n\n157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences and\ndispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in all the\ntemptations that they had to sin against Him; not to animate them to\nwickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them; and\nalso to leave them for a time, to such sins only that might not destroy,\nbut humble them; as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of\nthe renewing His mercy.  But oh! what love, what care, what kindness and\nmercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of\nall God\u2019s ways to His people!  He would let _David_, _Hezekiah_,\n_Solomon_, _Peter_, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into\nsin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin.  Oh! thought I, these be the men\nthat God hath loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth\nthem, keeps them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under\nthe shadow of the Almighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief,\nand horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me.  If\nI thought how God kept His own, that was killing to me; if I thought of\nhow I was fallen myself, that was killing to me.  As all things wrought\ntogether for the best, and to do good to them that were the called,\naccording to His purpose, so I thought that all things wrought for my\ndamage, and for my eternal overthrow.\n\n158.  Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of _Judas_, that,\nif possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which in truth is\nunpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differ from it, though but\nthe breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in!  And by\nconsidering, I found that _Judas_ did this intentionally, but mine was\nagainst my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed with much\ndeliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I\nwas tossed to and fro like the locusts, and driven from trouble to\nsorrow; hearing always the sound of _Esau\u2019s_ fall in mine ears, and the\ndreadful consequences thereof.\n\n159.  Yet this consideration about _Judas\u2019s_ sin was, for awhile, some\nlittle relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances,\ntransgressed so fully as he.  But this was quickly gone again, for I\nthought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit this\nunpardonable sin; also I thought there might be degrees of that, as well\nas of other transgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive,\nthis iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.\n\n160.  I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly man as\nJudas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all the saints at\nthe day of judgment: insomuch that now I could scarce see a good man,\nthat I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble\nat him, while I was in his presence.  Oh! now I saw a glory in walking\nwith God, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.\n\n161.  I was much about that time tempted to content myself by receiving\nsome false opinion; as, that there should be no such thing as a day of\njudgment; that we should not rise again; and that sin was no such\ngrievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: _For if these things should\nindeed be true_, _yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease for the\npresent_.  _If you must perish_, _never torment yourself so much\nbeforehand_: _drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind_, _by\npossessing your mind with some such conclusions that_ Atheists _and_\nRanters _use to help themselves withal_.\n\n162.  But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it\nwere, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought\nthe judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come already; so that\nsuch things could have no entertainment.  But methinks, I see by this,\nthat Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not\nan awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is\nthe very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.\n\n163.  I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was\nswallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God;\nfor always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, \u2019_Tis too\nlate_, _I am lost_, _God hath let me fall_; _not to my correction_, _but\ncondemnation_: _my sin is unpardonable_; _and I know_, _concerning Esau_,\n_how that after he had sold his birthright_, _he would have received the\nblessing_, _but was rejected_.  About this time I did light on that\ndreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to\nmy troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every\nsentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his\nactions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth,\nhis wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and\npining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as\nknives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was\nfrightful to me, _Man knows the beginning of sin_? _but who bounds the\nissues thereof_?  Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of\nall, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; _For you know\nhow that afterwards_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he\nwas rejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought\nit carefully with tears_.\n\n164.  Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that\nat sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well\nas my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment\nof God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and\nunpardonable sin.  I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by\nreason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my\nbreast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas,\nwho by _falling headlong_, _he burst asunder in the midst_, _and all his\nbowels gushed out_.  Acts i. 18.\n\n165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on\n_Cain_, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt\nthat he had charged on him for the blood of his brother _Abel_.  Thus did\nI wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which\nburthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor\nlie, either at rest or quiet.\n\n166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, _He hath\nreceived gifts for the rebellious_.  Psalm lxviii. 18.  The _rebellious_,\nthought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to\ntheir Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His\ngovernment, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my\nvery condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a\nrebel; I have sold Him, I have said, _Let Him go_, _if He will_; but yet\nHe has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?\n\n167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold\nthereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived\nby me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force\nbeyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by _that_ place\nwhere he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.\n\n168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the _saints_ in\nparticular, and found _mine_ went beyond them, then I began to think with\nmyself, Set the case I should put _all theirs_ together, and _mine alone_\nagainst them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if _mine_,\nthough bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is\nhopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all\ntheirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full\nas big, if not bigger than all theirs.  Here again, I should consider the\nsin of _David_, of _Solomon_, of _Manasseh_, of _Peter_, and the rest of\nthe great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness,\nto aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.\n\n169.  I should think with myself that _David_ shed blood to cover his\nadultery, and that by the sword of the children of _Ammon_; a work that\ncould not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was\na great aggravation to his sin.  But then this would turn upon me: Ah!\nbut these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus\nsent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall\nsave you from that?\n\n170.  Then I thought on _Solomon_, and how he sinned in loving strange\nwomen, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing\nthis after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the\nsame conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off\nas to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for\nwhich God had provided a remedy; _but I had sold my Saviour_, and there\nremained no more sacrifice for sin.\n\n171.  I would then add to these men\u2019s sins, the sins of _Manasseh_; how\nthat he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed\ntimes, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his\nfamiliar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils,\nand made the streets of _Jerusalem_ run down with the blood of innocents.\nThese, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it\nwould turn again upon me, _They are none of them of the nature of yours_;\n_you have parted with Jesus_, _you have sold your Saviour_.\n\n172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart, _my sin was\npoint blank against my Saviour_; and that too, at that height, that I had\nin my heart said of Him, _Let Him go_, _if He will_.  Oh! methought this\nsin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole\nworld, _no_ one pardonable; nor _all_ of them together, was able to equal\nmine; mine out-went them every one.\n\n173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a\ndreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand:\n(_It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God_.\nHebrew x.)  But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying\nfits, would call, as running after me, _I have blotted out_, _as a thick\ncloud_, _thy transgressions_; _and as a cloud_, _thy sins_: _return unto\nMe_, _for I have redeemed thee_.  Isaiah xliv. 22.  This, I say, would\ncome in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did\nflee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by\nreason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry,\n_Return unto Me_; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, _Return\nunto Me_, _for I have redeemed thee_.  Indeed, this would make me make a\nlittle stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if\nI could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His\nhand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and\ndarkened again by that sentence, _For you know_, _how that afterwards_,\n_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he found no place of\nrepentance_, _though he sought it carefully with tears_.  Wherefore I\ncould not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, _Return_,\n_return_, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in\ntherewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said,\nwas still sounding in my conscience, _For you know that afterwards_,\n_when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was rejected_, _etc._\n\n174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man\u2019s shop, bemoaning of\nmyself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with\nself-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this\nhard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing\nthat I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin\nof mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show\nit me.  And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if\nthere had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very\npleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, _Did\u2019st thou ever refuse to\nbe justified by the blood of Christ_? and withal, my whole life of\nprofession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see,\nthat designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, _No_.  Then\nfell, with power, that word of God upon me, _See that ye refuse not Him\nthat speaketh_.  Hebrew xii. 25.  This made a strange seizure upon my\nspirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of\nall those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless\nhell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me.  It\nshowed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for\nme, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my\nsoul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a\nkind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the\nheinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.  But as to\nmy determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not;\nor from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years\u2019 time\nbeen able to make a judgment of it; _I thought then what here I should be\nloth to speak_.  But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel\nhad come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the\nday of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul;\nit persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the\nsin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to\nflee to Jesus Christ for mercy.  But I say, concerning this dispensation;\nI know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause,\nthat at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it\nto be thought on by men of sound judgment.  I lay not the stress of my\nsalvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing\nI am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be\naltogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now\nrelate the matter as there I did experience it.  This lasted in the\nsavour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust,\nand to despair again.\n\n175.  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which\nway I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself\nat the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication.  But oh! \u2019twas hard for\nme now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I\nhad thus most vilely sinned: \u2019twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him\nin the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have\nfound it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from\nHim, as to do any other thing.  Oh! the shame that did now attend me!\nespecially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy,\nthat I had so lightly esteemed but a while before!  I was ashamed; yea,\neven confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw\nthat there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself\nunto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me,\nand have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.\n\n176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me,\n_That I ought not to pray to God_, _for prayer was not for any in my\ncase_; _neither could it do me good_, _because I had rejected the\nMediator_, _by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God the Father_;\n_and without Whom_, _no prayer could come into His presence_: _wherefore\nnow to pray_, _is but to add sin to sin_; _yea_, _now to pray_, _seeing\nGod has cast you off_, _is the next way to anger and offend Him more than\nyou ever did before_.\n\n177.  _For God_ (saith he) _hath been weary of you for these several\nyears already_, _because you are none of His_; _your bawlings in His\nears_, _hath been no pleasant voice to Him_; _and therefore He let you\nsin this sin_, _that you might be quite cut off_; _and will you pray\nstill_?  This the devil urged, and set forth that in _Numbers_, when\n_Moses_ said to the children _of Israel_, _That because they would not go\nup to possess the land_, _when God would have them_, _therefore for ever\nafter He did bar them out from thence_, _though they prayed they might\nwith tears_.  Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.\n\n178.  As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, _The man that sins\npresumptuously shall be taken from God\u2019s altar_, _that he may die_; even\nas _Joab_ was by King _Solomon_, when he thought to find shelter there.\n1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc.  These places did pinch me very sore; yet my\ncase being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it\nmust be so, it shall once be said, _That such an one died at the foot of\nChrist in prayer_.  This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know;\nand that because, together with this, still that saying about _Esau_\nwould be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of\nthe tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live.  Oh! who knows how\nhard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!\n\n179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I\nfeared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my\nsoul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God\nhath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet\nconcerning the children of Israel, _Pray not for this people_, _for I\nhave rejected them_.  Jeremiah xi. 14.  So, _Pray not for him_, _for I\nhave rejected him_, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of\nthem already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of\nit, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself:\n_Man knows the beginning of sin_ (said Spira), _but who bounds the issues\nthereof_?\n\n180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an\nancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was\nafraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me,\n_He thought so too_.  Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking\na little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to\nmuch combat with the devil.  Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I\ncould, for mercy still.\n\n                     [Picture: Bunyan seeks Comfort]\n\n181.  Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying,\n_That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus_, _and provoked Him to\ndispleasure_, _Who would have stood between my soul and the flame of\ndevouring fire_, _there was now but one way_; _and that was_, to pray\nthat God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; _that we\nmight be reconciled again_, _and that I might have that blessed benefit\nin Him_, _that His blessed saints enjoyed_.\n\n182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, _He is of one mind_,\n_and who can turn Him_!  Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to\nmake a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have\nalready, as to pray for such a thing.  This was to persuade Him, that\nwhat He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea,\nto disannul the whole way of salvation.  And then would that saying rend\nmy soul asunder; _Neither is there salvation in any other_; _for there is\nnone other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved_.\nActs iv. 12.\n\n183.  Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were\nthe greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts\nof Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him\noff, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind;\nnothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of\nthe Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,\nmeekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and\nconsolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my\nconsiderations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for\nthemselves in my heart: _Aye_, _this is the Jesus_, _the loving Saviour_,\n_the Son of God_, _Whom you have parted with_, _Whom you have slighted_,\n_despised_, _and abused_.  _This is the only Saviour_, _the only\nRedeemer_, _the only One that could so love sinners_, _as to wash them\nfrom their sins in His own most precious blood_; _but you have no part\nnor lot in this Jesus_: _you have put Him from you_; _you have said in\nyour heart_, Let Him go, if He will.  _Now_, _therefore_, _you are\nsevered from Him_; _you have severed yourself from Him_: _behold then His\ngoodness_, _but yourself to be no partaker of it_.  Oh! thought I, what\nhave I lost, what have I parted with!  What has disinherited my poor\nsoul!  Oh! \u2019tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to\nhave the Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer.  Rev. vi.  I also\ntrembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially\nat those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their business to walk\ncontinually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words,\ntheir carriages, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin\nagainst their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add\ncontinual affliction and shame upon my soul.  _The dread of them was upon\nme_, _and I trembled at God\u2019s Samuels_.  1 Sam. xvi. 4.\n\n184.  Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another way,\nsaying, _That Christ indeed did pity my case_, _and was sorry for my\nloss_; _but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done_,\n_He could by no means help me_, _nor save me from what I feared_: _for my\nsin was not of the nature of theirs_, _for Whom He bled and died_;\n_neither was it counted with those that were laid to His charge_, _when\nHe hanged on a tree_: _therefore_, _unless He should come down from\nheaven_, _and die anew for this sin_, _though indeed He did greatly pity\nme_, _yet I could have no benefit of Him_.  These things may seem\nridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but\nto me they were most tormenting cogitations: every one of them augmented\nmy misery, that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to pity me, when\nyet He could not help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could\nnot help me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace and\nsalvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulness to His\nthreatening, would not let Him extend His mercy to me.  Besides, I\nthought, as I have already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds\nof that pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew\nassuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than\nfor me to have eternal life.  So that the ground of all these fears of\nmine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of the holy\nword of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.\n\n185.  But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that I\nshould be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die.  These thoughts\nwould so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from faith, that I\nknew not what to do.  But oh! thought I, that He would come down again!\nOh! that the work of man\u2019s redemption was yet to be done by Christ! how\nwould I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sin among the\nrest for which He died!  But this scripture would strike me down as dead;\n_Christ being raised from the dead_, _dieth no more_; _death hath no more\ndominion over Him_.  Rom. vi. 9.\n\n186.  Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my soul\nwas like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed sometimes\nheadlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of works, and\nsometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the conditions thereof,\nmight so far forth, as I thought myself concerned, be turned another way,\nand changed, _But in all these_, _I was as those that jostle against the\nrocks_; _more broken_, _scattered and rent_.  Oh! the un-thought-of\nimaginations, frights, fears, and terrors, that are affected by a\nthorough application of guilt yielding to desperation!  _This is the man\nthat hath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead_; _that is always\ncrying out_, _and cutting himself with stones_.  Mark v. 1, 2, 3.  But, I\nsay, all in vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will\nnot save him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or\ntittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed.  This I saw,\nthis I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I got thereby,\nnamely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation;\nand that the scriptures were the word of God.  Oh! I cannot now express\nwhat then I saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of\nman\u2019s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, added to, nor\naltered.  I saw, indeed, that sin might drive the soul beyond Christ,\neven the sin which is unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven,\nfor the word would shut him out.\n\n187.  Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do.  So one day\nI walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a settle in the\nstreet, and fell into a very deep pause about the most fearful state my\nsin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head,\nbut methought I saw, as if the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge\nto give light; and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon\nthe houses, did bend themselves against me.  Methought that they all\ncombined together to banish me out of the world.  I was abhorred of them,\nand unfit to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because\nI had sinned against the Saviour.  O how happy now was every creature\nover I was!  For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was gone\nand lost.\n\n188.  Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to myself\nwith a grievous sigh, _How can God comfort such a wretch_!  I had no\nsooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth answer a\nvoice: _This sin is not unto death_.  At which I was, as if I had been\nraised out of the grave, and cried out again, _Lord_, _how couldst Thou\nfind out such a word as this_!  For I was filled with admiration at the\nfitness, and at the unexpectedness of the sentence; the fitness of the\nword, the rightness of the timing of it; the power, and sweetness, and\nlight, and glory that came with it also, were marvellous to me to find: I\nwas now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much\nin doubt before; my fears before _were_, that my sin was not pardonable,\nand so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did,\nit would be of no advantage or profit to me.  But now, thought I, if\n_this sin_ is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this\nI have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider the\npromise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to receive me\nas well as others.  This therefore was a great easement to my mind, to\nwit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the sin unto death (1\nJohn v. 16, 17).  None but those that know what my trouble (by their own\nexperience) was, can tell what relief came to my soul by this\nconsideration: it was a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter\nfrom the former storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with\nother sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayer as any of\nthey.\n\n189.  Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but\nthat there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness.  But oh! how\nSatan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!  But he could by\nno means do it, neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this\ngood sentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards the evening\nof the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, and to withdraw its\nsupportation from me, and so I returned to my old fears again, but with a\ngreat deal of grudging and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of\ndespair; nor could my faith now long retain this word.\n\n190.  But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went to seek\nthe Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these\nwords, with strong cries: _O Lord_, _I beseech Thee_, _show me that Thou\nhast loved me with everlasting love_.  Jer. xxxi. 3.  I had no sooner\nsaid it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or\nsounding again, _I have loved thee with an everlasting love_.  Now I went\nto bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon\nmy soul; and I believed it.\n\n191.  But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as\nan hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace.\nOh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to\nhold by this word, that of _Esau_ would fly in my face like lightning: I\nshould be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear\nme up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for\nseveral days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of\npardon: for thus it was made out unto me, _I loved thee whilst thou wast\ncommitting this sin_, _I loved thee before_, _I love thee still_, _and I\nwill love thee for ever_.\n\n192.  Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not\nbut conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had\nhorribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to\nlove and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was\nstill my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and\naffection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,\ndid work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon\nmyself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then\nthought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could\nfreely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord\nand Saviour.\n\n193.  And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to\nlove the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon\nme, _If Thou_, _Lord_, _shouldst mark iniquities_, _O Lord_, _who should\nstand_?  _But there is forgiveness with Thee_, _that Thou mayest be\nfeared_.  Psalm cxxx. 3, 4.  These were good words to me, especially the\nlatter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord,\nthat He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might\nbe loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, _That the\ngreat God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poor creatures_,\n_that rather than He would go without their love_, _He would pardon their\ntransgressions_.\n\n194.  And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by\nit; _That thou mayest remember and be confounded_, _and never open thy\nmouth any more_, _because of thy shame_, _when I am pacified toward thee\nfor all that thou hast done_, _saith the Lord God_.  Ezek. xvi. 63.  Thus\nwas my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at\nliberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.\n\n195.  But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing,\nlest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived\nand destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my\nmind, _That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the\nword of the promise of life_, _yet unless there could be found in my\nrefreshment_, _a concurrence and agreement in the scriptures_, _let me\nthink what I will thereof_, _and hold it never so fast_, _I should find\nno such thing at the end_; _And the scripture cannot be broken_.  John x.\n35.\n\n196.  Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a\ndisappointment at last.  Wherefore I began with all seriousness to\nexamine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as\nI had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God,\nlaid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I\nhad leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind.  _For\nit is impossible for those who were once enlightened_, _and have tasted\nof the heavenly gift_, _and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost_, _and\nhave tasted the good word of God_, _and the powers of the world to come_,\n_if they shall fall away_, _to renew them again unto repentance_.  Heb.\nvi. 4\u20136.  _For_, _if we sin wilfully_, _after we have received the\nknowledge of the truth_, _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, _but\na certain fearful looking for of judgment_, _and fiery indignation_,\n_which shall devour the adversaries_.  Heb. x. 26, 27.  _As Esau_, _who\nfor one morsel of meat_, _sold his birthright_.  _For ye know how that\nafterward_, _when he would have inherited the blessing_, _he was\nrejected_; _for he found no place of repentance_, _though he sought it\ncarefully with tears_.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.\n\n197.  Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no\npromise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now\nwould that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, _Rejoice not_, _O\nIsrael_, _for joy_, _as other people_.  Hos. ix. 1.  For I saw indeed,\nthere was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I\nhad cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither\nfoot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious\nword of life.\n\n198.  And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house\nwhose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto\nthe case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it\ncould make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it\ncould find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die\nin that condition.  So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my\nsoul, that scripture came into my heart, This _for many days_.  Dan. x.\n14.  And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor\nbrought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were\ncompletely finished.  Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they\ntended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be\neternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.\n\n199.  For, thought I, _many days_ are not for ever, _many days_ will have\nan end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but _many days_,\nyet I was glad it was but _for many days_.  Thus, I say, I would recall\nmyself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words\ncame into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this\nwould be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be\nhelped by it, though I did.\n\n200.  Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my\ndoor, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to\nprayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, _That\nneither the mercy of God_, _nor yet the blood of Christ_, _did at all\nconcern me_, _nor could they help me for my sin_; _therefore it was but\nin vain to pray_.  Yet, thought I, _I will pray_.  _But_, said the\ntempter, _your sin is unpardonable_.  Well, said I, _I will pray_.  \u2019Tis\nto no boot, said he.  Yet said I, _I will pray_.  So I went to prayer to\nGod; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: _Lord_,\n_Satan tells me_, _that neither Thy mercy_, _nor Christ\u2019s blood_, _is\nsufficient to save my soul_: _Lord_, _shall I honour Thee most_, _by\nbelieving Thou wilt_, _and canst_? _or him_, _by believing Thou neither\nwilt not nor canst_?  _Lord_, _I would fain honour Thee_, _by believing\nThou wilt and canst_.\n\n201.  And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my\nheart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had\nclapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not\nable to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six\nmonths after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there\nshould be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as\nsticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a\nsad condition.\n\n202.  There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of\ndoubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to\nknow, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my\nmind, _Will the Lord cast off for ever_? _and will He be favourable no\nmore_?  _Is His mercy clean gone for ever_?  _Doth His promise fail for\nevermore_?  _Hath God forgotten to be gracious_?  _Hath He in anger shut\nup His tender mercies_?  Ps. lxxvii. 7\u20139.  And all the while they run in\nmy mind, methought I had still this as the answer, \u2019_Tis a question\nwhether He hath or no_: _it may be He hath not_.  Yea, the interrogatory\nseemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not,\nnor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not\nfail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger\nshut up tender mercy.  Something also there was upon my heart at the same\ntime, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten\nmy heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone,\nnor clean gone for ever.\n\n203.  At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question,\n_Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which\ndoubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and\nat last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should\nnot lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He\nis able_.  But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it\nshowed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave\nsuch a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with\nme, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either\nbefore or after.  Heb. vii. 25.\n\n204.  But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the\nfear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a\nsentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_.  At this, methought\nI felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh! how good a thing\nit is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was\nlooking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my\nsoul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I\nthought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it\nwas as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose\nme, but many more such as I besides.\n\n205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding\nconflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be\nin it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble\npresently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear\nand guilt as ever heart could hold.  And this was not only now and then,\nbut my whole seven weeks\u2019 experience: for this about _the sufficiency of\ngrace_, and _that_ of _Esau\u2019s_ parting with his birthright, would be like\na pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost,\nand sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or\ntrouble.\n\n206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this\nscripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply\nthe whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I\ngathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to\nhope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it\ncame no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was\nhope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but\nprayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting\nof God\u2019s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were\nstrong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better,\nbut my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power\nsuddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace\nis sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times\ntogether: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as\n_My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and\nsometimes are still, far bigger than others be.\n\n207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as\nthough I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles\nupon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me mourning home; it\nbroke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust;\nonly it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing\ncomfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me\nto hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my\nheart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul\ndid hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down;\nnow in peace, and anon again in terror.\n\n208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes\ntormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for\nall those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me,\nas the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.  Then again I\nwould begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would\nalso think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there\nagainst me_?  _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_,\n_and save me for all them_?  Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it\nwere not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_!\nAnd I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.\n\n209.  Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and\n_John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in\nderision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_,\n_one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_,\n_but you have cast away yourself_.  _There is none of our sentences that\nyou must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is\nimpossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x.\n_And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_,\n_than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment\ndelivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21.  _For the Scriptures cannot be\nbroken_.  John x. 35.\n\n210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be\njudges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood\nat my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a\nthousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for\never.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.\n\n211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be\nsatisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the\nsalvation of my soul_?  I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were\ntrue, and that they must stand for ever.\n\n212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and\nconsidering that these frames were according to the nature of several\nscriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet;\nbut of that of _Esau_, then tormented.  Lord, thought I, _if both these\nscriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them\nwould get the better of me_.  So methought I had a longing mind that they\nmight come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.\n\n213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they\nbolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me\nfor a while; at last that about _Esau\u2019s_ birthright began to wax weak,\nand withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace\nprevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about this thing,\nthat scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_.\nJames ii. 13.\n\n214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of\nGod; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of\nlife and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet\nthe word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii.\n8\u201311.  _Mark_ ix. 5\u20137.  _John_ vi. 37.  Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_\nmust both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.\n\n215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him\nthat cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_.  Oh! the comfort that I\nhad from this word, _in no wise_!  As who should say, _By no means_, _for\nnothing whatever he hath done_.  But Satan would greatly labour to pull\nthis promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and\nsuch as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had\ndone_.  But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no\nsuch exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh\nto Me I will in no wise cast out_.  And this I well remember still, that\nof all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he\nnever did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_?  And I\nhave thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what\ncoming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a\nvile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy,\ncondemning myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word\nof God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one\nend, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make!  It was for this in\n_John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled;\nbut God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from\nit.\n\n216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace,\nyet that of _Esau\u2019s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times\ndistress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and\nthat but just before, yet when that came into my mind, \u2019twould make me\nfear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, \u2019twould every day be with\nme: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature\nof this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the\nlargest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word\ntherein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly\ntaken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus\nChrist to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the\nwicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_.  Then that scripture\ngave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_.  Heb. xiii.\n5.  \u2018O Lord,\u2019 said I, _but I have left Thee_.  Then it answered again,\n_But I will not leave thee_.  For this I thanked God also.\n\n217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to\ntrust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad\nthat this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with\nmore ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace.  I saw it\nwas with me, as it was with _Joseph\u2019s_ brethren; the guilt of their own\nwickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at\nlast despise them.  Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.\n\n218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in\n_Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer\nthat was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the\nslayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of\nrefuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his\nneighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_.  Oh! blessed be God\nfor this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the\navenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it\nremained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge:\nso I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not\nthe wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it\nunawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it\nunwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_.  Wherefore,\n\n219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had\nsmitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_.  I\nhated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning\nagainst Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a\ntwelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it\ndid in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this\ncity, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me\nup.  This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of\nhope.\n\n220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not\nwhat ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul\ndid much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be\npossible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after\nthat to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from\nGod though Christ_?  The which after I had much considered, I found the\nanswer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:\u2014\n\n221.  _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred\na share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must\nneeds be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort;\n_For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_.  Heb. x. 26, 27.\n_Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It\nshall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world\nto come_.  Matt. xii. 32.  _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also\nfrom a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own\nthem, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven.\nMark viii.\n\n222.  When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and\ncould not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after\nthis my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto\nthose most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I\nhad been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst\nscarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear\nwishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but\nnow, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close\nto them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and\ntendency.\n\n223.  The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for\nthey looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came\nto the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike\nme; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended,\nwas a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and\nabsolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ;\nfor, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4.\n_Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the\nview of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_.\n_Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God,\nboth in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they\nshould be renewed again unto repentance_.  By all these particulars, I\nfound to God\u2019s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place\nintended.\n\n_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the\nprofession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.\n\n_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin,\nbut not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him\nas a fruitless One before the world.\n\n_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come\n(though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and\nrepentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!\n\n224.  Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and\nfound that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but\nthat which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too.\n_Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses,\nto answer that of the law, _verse_ 28.  _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be\ncommitted, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising\nboth the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary.\nBut the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not\namount to these.\n\n225.  And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau\u2019s_\nselling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and\nstood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his\nwas not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a\nthought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some\ndeliberation, Gen. xxv.  _Secondly_, It was a public and open action,\neven before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a\nfar more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been.  _Thirdly_, He\ncontinued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his\nway_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was\nfound to despise it still.  And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_,\n_keep that thou hast unto thyself_.  Gen. xxxiii. 9.\n\n226.  Now as touching this, _that_ Esau _sought a place of repentance_;\nthus I thought: _First_, This was not for the _birthright_, but _the\nblessing_: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau\nhimself; _He took away my birthright_ (that is, formerly); _and behold\nnow he hath taken away my blessing_.  Gen. xxvii. 36.  _Secondly_, Now,\nthis being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what\nmight be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning\n_Esau\u2019s_ sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,\n_that the birthright_ signified _regeneration_, and the _blessing_, the\n_eternal inheritance_; for so the apostle seems to hint.  _Lest there be\nany profane person_, _as_ Esau, _who for one morsel of meat sold his\nbirthright_; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed\nbeginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth;\nlest they become as _Esau_, even be rejected _afterwards_, when they\nwould inherit the blessing.\n\n227.  For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise\nthose things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the\ndeciding day appears, will cry as lord as _Esau_, _Lord_, _Lord_, _open\nto us_; but then, as _Isaac_ would not repent, no more will God the\nFather, but will say, _I have blessed these_, _yea_, and _they shall be\nblessed_; but as for you, _Depart_, _you are the workers of iniquity_.\nGen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25\u201327.\n\n228.  When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to\nunderstand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this\nstill added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a\ngreat blow to that objection, to wit, _That the scriptures could not\nagree in the salvation of my soul_.  And now remained only the hinder\npart of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops\ndid still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my\nformer frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft\nbefall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire.\nI thought every voice was, _Fire_! _fire_!  Every little touch would hurt\nmy tender conscience.\n\n229.  But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some\ndashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly\nthis sentence fell upon my soul, _Thy righteousness is in heaven_; and\nmethought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God\u2019s\nright hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was,\nor whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, _He wants My\nrighteousness_; for that was just before Him.  I also saw moreover, that\nit was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor\nyet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness\nwas Jesus Christ Himself, _The same yesterday_, _to-day_, _and for ever_.\nHeb. xiii. 8.\n\n230.  Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my\nafflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that\ntime those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I\nalso home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home,\nI looked to see if I could find that sentence; _Thy righteousness is in\nheaven_, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to\nsink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30,\n_Christ Jesus_, _who of God is made unto us wisdom_, _and righteousness_,\n_and sanctification_, _and redemption_; by this word I saw the other\nsentence true.\n\n231.  For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is\ndistinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our\nrighteousness and sanctification before God.  Here therefore I lived, for\nsome time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought,\nChrist! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I\nwas not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ\napart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a\nwhole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues,\nrelations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the\nright hand of God in heaven.\n\n232.  \u2019Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and\nprevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from\nmyself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now\nwere green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and\nfourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their\ngold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at\nhome!  In Christ my Lord and Saviour.  Now Christ was all; all my wisdom,\nall my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.\n\n233.  Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with\nthe Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh,\nand bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30.\nBy this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed\nin me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His\nmerits mine, His victory also mine.  Now could I see myself in heaven and\nearth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness\nand life, though on earth by my body or person.\n\n234.  Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be\nlooked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole\nbody of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we\nfulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the\nvictory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we\ndied, and so of His resurrection.  _Thy dead men shall live_, _together\nwith My dead body shall they arise_, saith He.  Isa. xxvi. 19.  And\nagain, _after two days He will revive us_, _and the third day He will\nraise us up_, _and we shall live in His sight_.  Hosea vi. 2.  Which is\nnow fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of\nthe Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the _Ephesians_, _And\nhath raised us up together_, _and made us sit together in heavenly places\nin Christ Jesus_.  Eph. ii. 6.\n\n235.  Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others\nof like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that\nI have cause to say, _Praise ye the Lord_.  _Praise God in His\nsanctuary_, _praise Him in the firmament of His power_; _praise Him for\nHis mighty acts_: _praise Him according to His excellent greatness_.\nPsalm cl. 1, 2.\n\n236.  Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and\naffliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my\nwicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my\ndeliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met\nwith afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart,\nto my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed\nany farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the\ncause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the\nlast, it became unto my soul.\n\n237.  For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two\nalso I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me.  The\nfirst was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation\nthat went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations\nthat were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in\nprayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the\nmost principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh\ndiscoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough\nto do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from\nthe evil that was to come.\n\n238.  Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy _David_,\nwho when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him\nback from sin and temptation to come; _Then_, saith he, _shall I be\nupright_, _and I shall be innocent from the great transgression_.  Psalm\nxix. 13.  By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this\nlong temptation.\n\n239.  That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly,\nin the neglect of this duty.  Heb. iv. 16: _Let us therefore come boldly\nunto the throne of grace_, _that we may obtain mercy_, _and find grace to\nhelp in time of need_.  This I had not done, and therefore was thus\nsuffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, _Pray that ye\nenter not into temptation_.  And truly this very thing is to this day of\nsuch weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the\nLord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the\ntemptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou\nlearn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing\nI did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.\n\n240.  Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and\non this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and\nbefore her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were\nfierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately\nin labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time\nit was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God;\nwherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy\nimaginable, even thinking in my heart, _Lord_, _if Thou wilt now remove\nthis sad affliction from my wife_, _and cause that she be troubled no\nmore therewith this night_ (and now were her pangs just upon her), _then\nI shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the\nheart_.\n\n241.  I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from\nher, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning;\nat this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had\nbeen awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also;\nso when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had\nsaid in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He\nknew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for\nseveral weeks after.\n\n242.  Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful\nthought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart,\neven this thought, _Let Christ go_, _if He will_: so when I was fallen\nunder the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the\neffect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also\ncarried rebuke along with it, _Now you may see that God doth know the\nmost secret thoughts of the heart_.\n\n243.  And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and\nHis servant _Gideon_, fell upon my spirit; how because that _Gideon_\ntempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have\nbelieved and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so\ntry him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and\nthat too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help.  Judges\nvi. 7.  Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed\nHis word, and not have put an _if_ upon the all-seeingness of God.\n\n244.  And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have\ngained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to\npossess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory\nof God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my\nsoul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions\nabout the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of\nthe world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with\natheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ\ncontinually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way\nof exceeding dread and terror.  The glory of the holiness of God, did at\nthis time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did\nbreak me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and\nrejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking\nof my bones.\n\n245.  The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the\ntruth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; _those_\nthat the scriptures favour, _they_ must inherit bliss; but _those_ that\nthey oppose and condemn, _must_ perish for evermore: Oh! this word, _For\nthe scriptures cannot be broken_, would rend the caul of my heart: and so\nwould that other, _Whose sins ye remit_, _they are remitted_; _but whose\nsins ye retain_, _they are retained_.  Now I saw the apostles to be the\nelders of the city of refuge.  Joshua xx. 4.  Those that they were to\nreceive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to\nbe slain by the avenger of blood.\n\n246.  Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my\nmind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I\nthought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand\nmen that might have come against me.  Woe be to him against whom the\nscriptures bend themselves!\n\n247.  By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the\npromises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the\nmighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His\njustice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great\nfearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with\ntrembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force\nand latitude.\n\n248.  By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former\nfoolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into\nmy mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from\nthe promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I\nwould catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the\npromise, unless I felt its comfort, but now \u2019twas no time thus to do; the\navenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.\n\n249.  Now therefore I was glad to catch at _that_ word which yet I feared\nI had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that\npromise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me.  Now also I\nshould labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without\nrestraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now\nsee in that blessed sixth of John: _And him that cometh to me_, _I will\nin no wise cast out_.  John vi. 37.  Now I began to consider with myself,\nthat God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to\nconceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in\nhaste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment,\nand in very truth and faithfulness.  2 Sam. iii. 28.\n\n250.  I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce\ntowards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet\nstick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits\nthrough fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of\nit to the God of heaven that made it.  Oh! many a pull hath my heart had\nwith Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other\ntimes, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have\nbeen unto me!).  But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that\nit might not sink for ever! \u2019twas that I hunted for.\n\n251.  Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as\nif the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run\nupon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him,\nas with a flaming sword.  Then I should think of _Esther_, who went to\npetition the king contrary to the law.  Esther iv. 16.  I thought also of\nBenhadad\u2019s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their\nenemies for mercy.  1 Kings xx. 31, etc.  The woman of Canaan also, that\nwould not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc.,\nand the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5\u20138, etc.,\nwere great encouragements unto me.\n\n252.  I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy,\nas I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and\nwhere guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in\nChrist, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty.  When\n_Job_ had passed through his captivity, _he had twice as much as he had\nbefore_.  Job xlii. 10.  Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord.  Many\nother things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and\ntherefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may\nmake others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke\nas I did.\n\nI had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this\ntemptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could\nhardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought\nit could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long\nupon me, it would have made me incapable for business.\n\n253.  Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the\nLord\u2019s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I\nthen did meet withal.  I shall begin with what I met with when first I\ndid join in fellowship with the people of God in _Bedford_.  After I had\npropounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and\nordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I\nthought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper\nwith His disciples before His death, that scripture, _Do this in\nremembrance of Me_, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me;\nfor by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of\nHis death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the\nvirtue of the same.  But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that\nordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times\ntherein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing\nto those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be\nguilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced\nto bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such\nblasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them,\nas it went from mouth to mouth.  The reason of this temptation, I have\nthought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me\nat first, approach to partake thereof.\n\n254.  Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have\nrest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that\nsame scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I\nhave been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that\nblessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord\u2019s body,\nas broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my\ntransgressions.\n\n255.  Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith\nabout the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness\nin my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live.  Now began I\nafresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and\ncondition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to\ncome: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as\nalways, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my\ninterest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.\n\n256.  But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of\nthe goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an\ninnumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these\nwere at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness,\nand coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness\nin all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with\nthis at the end of all, _Are these the fruits of Christianity_?  _Are\nthese tokens of a blessed man_?\n\n257.  At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon\nme; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt;\nnow also was my former experience of God\u2019s goodness to me, quite taken\nout of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my\nsoul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_,\n_die I dare not_.  Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up\nall for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a\nmost woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, _Ye are\njustified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ\nJesus_.  Rom. iii. 24.  But oh! what a turn it made upon me!\n\n258.  Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream;\nand listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus\nexpounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and\ninfirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_,\n_and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee\naccording as I am pleased with Him_.  At this I was greatly lightened in\nmy mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any\ntime; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to\nus, and the work was forthwith done.\n\n259.  And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great\npower upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_,\n_but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._  2 Tim. i. 9; Tit.\niii. 5.  Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and\nmercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now\nI cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight,\nfor I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other\nworld_.  Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with\nthat above.  At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of God_,\nRom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this\nworld: _Heirs of God_!  God Himself is the portion of the saints.  This I\nsaw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.\n\n260.  Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time\nalso the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for\nassaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then\nis his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of\nGod\u2019s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the\njudgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of\nmiscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death\ncame, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;\nmethought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just\nas I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel\u2019s carrying\n_Lazarus_ into _Abraham\u2019s_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say,\n_So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_.  This did\nsweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had\nwith comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my\nmind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_?  _O grave_, _where is thy\nvictory_?  1 Cor. xv. 55.  At this I became both well in body and mind at\nonce, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in\nmy work for God again.\n\n261.  At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury\nin my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness,\nwhich did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if\nI had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my\nsoul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my\nsoul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my\nloins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with\nchains.  At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward\nman, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and\nuncomfortable to me.\n\n262.  After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I\nwas sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart,\n_I must go to Jesus_.  At this my former darkness and atheism fled away,\nand the blessed things of heaven were set in my view.  While I was on\nthis sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever\nsuch a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_?  She said, she could not tell;\ntherefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I\nhad not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me,\n_And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth,\nabout the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes.  Heb. xii. 22\u201324.\n\n263.  Then with joy I told my wife, _O_! _now I know_, _I know_!  But\nthat night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed\nfor the company of some of God\u2019s people, that I might have imparted unto\nthem what God had showed me.  Christ was a precious Christ to my soul\nthat night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph,\nthrough Christ.  This great glory did not continue upon me until morning,\nyet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a\nblessed scripture to me for many days together after this.\n\n264.  The words are these: _Ye are come to mount Sion_, _and unto the\ncity of the living God_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _and to an innumerable\ncompany of angels_, _to the general assembly and church of the\nfirst-born_, _which are written in heaven_; _and to God the Judge of\nall_, _and to the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and to Jesus the\nMediator of the New Covenant_, _and to the blood of sprinkling_, _that\nspeaketh better things than that of Abel_.  Through this blessed sentence\nthe Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and\nshowed me wonderful glory in every one of them.  These words also have\noft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit.  Blessed be God\nfor having mercy on me.\n\n\n\n_A brief Account of the Author\u2019s Call to the Work of the Ministry_\n\n\n265.  AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in\na word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God\u2019s dealing with\nme in that particular also.  For after I had been about five or six years\nawakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus\nChrist our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of\nthe most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment\nand holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had\ncounted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and\nblessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what\nI saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that\nwith much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in\nhand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.\n\n266.  The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my\nspirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to\ntheir request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private),\nthough with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them;\nat which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the\nsight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave\nthanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.\n\n267.  After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to\nteach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet,\nI did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more\nprivately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I\ndid sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they,\nas the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward,\nprofessing their souls were edified thereby.\n\n268.  Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church,\nafter some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more\nparticularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public\npreaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but\nalso to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith\nthereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret\npricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of\nvain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery\ndarts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.\n\n269.  But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of\nmy gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the\ncontinual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of _Paul_ to the\n_Corinthians_: _I beseech you_, _brethren_ (_ye know the household of\nStephanas_, _that it is the first fruits of Achaia_, _and that they have\naddicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_) _that ye submit\nyourselves unto such_, _and to every one that helpeth with us_, _and\nlaboureth_.  1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.\n\n270.   By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended\nthat men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but\nrather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and\nalso did commend those that were apt and ready so to do.  _They have\naddicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_.  This scripture, in\nthese days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and\nstrengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from\nseveral other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the\nword, and other ancient histories: _Acts_ viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25,\netc.; 1 _Pet._ iv. 10; _Rom._ xii. 6; _Fox\u2019s Acts_ and _Mon._\n\n271.  Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy;\nyet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness,\ndid set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion\nof my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the\nholy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to\nhear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry\nand divers accounts.\n\n272.  And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity\nfor their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great\ndiligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would\nbless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good\nLord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached\nlong, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their\nminds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their\nneed of Jesus Christ.\n\n273.  But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to the\nheart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who thus were\ntouched, would love me and have a particular respect for me; and though I\ndid put it from me, that they should be awakened by me, still they would\nconfess it, and affirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless\nGod for me (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God\u2019s instrument\nthat showed to them the way of salvation.\n\n274.  Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so\nconstant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the\nknowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me where they\nwere; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God had owned in His\nwork such a foolish one as I; and then came that word of God to my heart,\nwith much sweet refreshment, _The blessing of him that was ready to\nperish_, _is come upon me_; _and I caused the widow\u2019s heart to sing for\njoy_.  Job xxix. 13.\n\n275.  At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom God did\nawaken by my preaching, would be both solace and encouragement to me: for\nI thought on those sayings, _Who is He then that maketh me glad_, _but\nthe same which is made sorry by Me_?  2 Cor. ii. 2.  And again, _If I be\nnot an Apostle to others_, _yet doubtless_, _I am unto you_: _for the\nseal of mine apostleship are ye in the Lord_.  1 Cor. ix. 2.  These\nthings, therefore, were as another argument unto me, that God had called\nme to, and stood by me in this work.\n\n276.  In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this one\nthing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His word begins\nwith sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to open and allege, that\nthe curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as\nthey come into the world, because of sin.  Now this part of my work I\nfulfilled with great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for my\ntransgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what I felt, what\nI smartingly did feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and\ntremble to astonishment.\n\n277.  Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went\nmyself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that fire in\nmy own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of.  I can truly\nsay, and that without dissembling, that when I have been to preach, I\nhave gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit door, and there it\nhath been taken off, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have\ndone my work; and then immediately, even before I could get down the\npulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet God carried me on,\nbut surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me\noff my work.\n\n278.  Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against men\u2019s\nsins, and their fearful state because of them.  After which, the Lord\ncame in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and comfort through\nChrist; for He did give me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace\nthrough Him; wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I\npreached what I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to hold\nforth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the\nworld; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, and remove those\nfalse supports and props on which the world doth both lean, and by them\nfall and perish.  On these things also I staid as long as on the other.\n\n279.  After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the union\nof Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them also.  And,\nwhen I had travelled through these three chief points of the word of God,\nabout the space of five years or more, I was caught in my present\npractice, and cast into prison, where I have lain above as long again to\nconfirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of\nit according to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.\n\n280.  When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath often all\nthe time of this and the other exercise, with great earnestness cried to\nGod that He would make the word effectual to the salvation of the soul;\nstill being grieved lest the enemy should take the word away from the\nconscience, and so it should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour\nto speak the word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and\nperson guilty might be particularized by it.\n\n281.  And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to\nthink the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing\nfrom my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but\nsee as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God is; and also\nwhat the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in\nsuch a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him.  And indeed, I\ndid often say in my heart before the Lord, _That if to be hanged up\npresently before their eyes_, _would be a means to awaken them_, _and\nconfirm them in the truth_, _I gladly should be contented_.\n\n282.  For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been\nengaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel\nof God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with\nsuch power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been\nlabouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the\nconscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, _I\nbelieve_, _and am sure_; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful\nto express myself) that those things which then I asserted, were true.\n\n283.  When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and\npriests of the country did open wide against me.  But I was persuaded of\nthis, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their\ncarnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law,\nand of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, _This shall answer\nfor me in time to come_, _when they shall be for my hire before their\nface_.  Gen. xxx. 33.\n\n284.  I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in\ndispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it\npleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith,\nand the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I\nsay, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they\nengendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving\nundone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my work before me\ndid run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that\ntherefore did I stick and adhere.\n\n285.  I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men\u2019s lines,\nRom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and\nfound by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of\nChrist, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and\nbest established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I\nknow in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of\nscripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.\n\n286.  If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that\nfall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath\nbeen more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body,\nhad been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any\noffence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was\nthe fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul.  I have counted as\nif I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children\nwere born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this\nexcellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by\nthis, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the\nlord of all the glory of the earth without it!  Oh these words!  _He\nwhich converteth the sinner from the error of his way_, _shall save a\nsoul from death_.  James v. 20.  _The fruit of the righteous is a tree of\nlife_; _and he that winneth souls is wise_.  Prov. xi. 30.  _They that be\nwise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament_, _and they that turn\nmany to righteousness_, _as the stars for ever and ever_.  Dan. xii. 3.\n_For what is our hope_, _or joy_, _or crown of rejoicing_?  _Are not even\nye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming_?  _For ye are\nour glory and joy_.  1 Thes. ii. 19, 20.  These, I say, with many others\nof a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.\n\n287.  I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have\nhad first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to desire I might\npreach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in\nparticular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to\nwish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this,\nbeen given in as the fruits of my ministry.  I have observed, that a word\ncast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that\nwas spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good,\nthen I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should\ncatch them, I have fished for nothing.\n\n288.  I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon\nsinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the\nmouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged\nmost, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance\nparticulars, but I forbear.\n\n289.  My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the\ndarkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were\nfarthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light\n(for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit\ndid lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I\ncarried did lean itself most that way also; _Yea_, _so have I strived to\npreach the gospel_, _not where Christ was named_, _lest I should build\nupon another man\u2019s foundation_.  Rom. xv. 20.\n\n290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were,\ntravailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be satisfied\nunless some fruits did appear in my work.  If I were fruitless, it\nmattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who\ndid condemn.  I have thought of that: _Lo_! _children are an heritage of\nthe Lord_; _and the fruit of the womb is His reward_.\u2014_As arrows are in\nthe hand of a mighty man_, _so are children of the youth_.  _Happy is the\nman that hath his quiver full of them_: _they shall not be ashamed_, _but\nthey shall speak with the enemies in the gate_.  Psalm cxxvii. 3\u20135.\n\n291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they\nseemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation,\nsound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on\nfire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly\nsanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I\ncounted blessed.\n\n292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending\nme, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be assaulted with\ngreat discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak\na word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak\nsense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange\nfaintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have\nscarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.\n\n293.  Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently\nassaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the\nwords with my mouth before the congregation.  I have also at some times,\neven when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence,\nand liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity,\nso blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and\nhave been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the\npeople, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have\nbeen about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my\nexercise.\n\n294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some\nsmart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter\nsuggest, _What_! _will you preach this_!  _This condemns yourself_; _of\nthis your own soul is guilty_; _wherefore preach not of it at all_; _or\nif you do_, _yet so mince it_, _as to make way for your own escape_;\n_lest instead of awakening others_, _you lay that guilt upon your own\nsoul_, _that you will never get from under_.\n\n295.  But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so\nhorrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my\nmight, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though\ntherein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: _Let me die_\n(thought I), _with the Philistines_, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal\ncorruptly with the blessed word of God.  _Thou that teachest another_,\n_teachest thou not thyself_?  It is far better that thou do judge\nthyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save\nthyself, imprison the truth in righteousness.  Blessed be God for His\nhelp also in this.\n\n296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often\ntempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I\nhave not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious\nmercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had\nbut small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every\nday\u2019s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to\nsee such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath\ncaused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I\nhave felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of\nGod to me.\n\n297.  I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of\nthe word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp\nand piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul,\nnotwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of\ngreat use to me: _Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels_,\n_and have not charity_, _I am become as sounding brass_, _and a tinkling\ncymbal_.  1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.\n\n298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful\nplayer can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who\nhear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal\nhath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of\nhim that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to\nnought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon\nit.\n\n299.  Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but\nwant saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the\nhand of _David_: and as _David_ could with the cymbal make that mirth in\nthe service of God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so\nChrist can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His\npeople in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as\nlifeless, though sounding cymbals.\n\n300.  This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for\nthe most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.\nWhat, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass?  Is it\nso much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more\nof God in it than these?  Besides, I knew \u2019twas love should never die,\nbut these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little\nlove, a little of the true fear of God, is better than all the gifts:\nyea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that\ncan scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I\nsay, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so\nto be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the\nvirtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.\n\n301.  Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves\nwere good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the\nedification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of\nhim that hath them, if they be _alone_: neither are they, as so, any sign\nof a man\u2019s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some,\nof whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love\nmore is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and\nthe dead.\n\n302.  This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in\nthemselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them,\nto wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were\neasily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised\nChristian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the\ncondemnation of the devil.\n\n303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a\nsight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of\nhim to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall\nshort of the grace of God.\n\n304.  He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in his own\neyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the\nchurches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he\nmust also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus,\nand to give a good account will be a blessed thing.\n\n305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord\n(gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are\nbetter than great gifts and no grace.  It doth not say, the Lord gives\ngifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such\nan one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain\nforerunner of glory.\n\n306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and assaulting of\nme, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and\nmake it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way,\nwhich was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me\nwith slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the\ndevil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down\nthe country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they\nshould make my ministry to be abandoned.\n\n307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people,\nthat I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.\n\n              [Picture: Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion]\n\n308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am innocent.  But\nas for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the\ntribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for all these things (with\nall the rest of their iniquities) unless God shall give them repentance\nfor them, for the which I pray with all my heart.\n\n309.  But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that\nI had my _misses_, my _whores_, my _bastards_; yea, _two wives_ at once,\nand the like.   Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because\nbut slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the\ndevil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the\nworld, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God.  _Blessed\nare ye_ (said the Lord Jesus) _when men shall revile you and persecute\nyou_, _and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake_;\n_rejoice and be exceeding glad_, _for great is your reward in heaven_,\n_for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you_.  Matt. iv.\n11.\n\n310.  These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no,\nthough they were twenty times more than they are.  I have a good\nconscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they\nshall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.\n\n311.  So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me?\nShall I threaten them?  Shall I chide them?  Shall I flatter them?  Shall\nI entreat them to hold their tongues?  No, not I.  Were it not for that\nthese things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and\nabettors, I would say unto them, _Report it_, because \u2019twill increase my\nglory.\n\n312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it\nbelongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached\nand reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my God and my\nconscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ\u2019s sake.\n\n313.  I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any\nthing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me;\nnamely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like.  When they\nhave used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry\nthat they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in\nheaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any\nplace, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and\nspeak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me?  No, not I: I\nwill in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all\nis a-case to me.\n\n314.  My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the\nman: I wish that they themselves be guiltless.  If all the fornicators\nand adulterers in _England_ were hanged up by the neck till they be dead,\n_John Bunyan_, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well.\nI know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the\ncopes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by\ncommon fame, except my wife.\n\n315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy of\nwomen from my first conversion until now.  Those shy of women know, and\ncan also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately\nconcerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a\nwoman: the common salutation of women I abhor; \u2019tis odious to me in\nwhomsoever I see it.  Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom\nso much as touch a woman\u2019s hand; for I think these things are not so\nbecoming me.  When I have seen good men salute those women that they have\nvisited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection\nagainst it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of\ncivility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight.  Some indeed have\nurged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they\ndid salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go?  Thus, how\nlaudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have\nbeen unseemly in my sight.\n\n316.  And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but\nangels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save\nmy wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot\noffend the Lord in such a case, to call God for a record upon my soul,\nthat in these things I am innocent.  Not that I have been thus kept,\nbecause of any goodness in me, more than any other; but God has been\nmerciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me\nstill, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me\nto His heavenly kingdom.  _Amen_.\n\n317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile\namong my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of\nnone effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment,\nthat thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the\nworld terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in\nthe next place give you a brief account.\n\n\n\nA BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR\u2019S IMPRISONMENT\n\n\n318.  Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long\ntime, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a\nmeeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone,\nI should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst\nthem), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for\nmy appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties\nwould not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.\n\n319.  At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer\nof unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the\nnational worship of the church of _England_; and after some conference\nthere with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a\nconfession, as they termed it, _of the indictment_, _did sentence me to a\nperpetual banishment_, _because I refused to conform_.  So being again\ndelivered up to the jailer\u2019s hands, I was had home to prison, and there\nhave lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer\nthese men to do with me.\n\n320.  In which condition I have continued with much content, through\ngrace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both\nfrom the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to\nJesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction,\ninstruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here\ndiscourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly\nto bless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should\nthe case be their own\u2014_not to fear what man can do unto them_.\n\n321.  I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of God\nas now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this\nplace and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real\nand apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that\nword, _We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables_, 2 Pet. i.\n16, and that, _God raised Christ from the dead_, _and gave Him glory_,\n_that our faith and hope might be in God_ 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed\nwords unto me in this my imprisoned condition.\n\n\n322.  These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in\nthis condition to me: John xiv. 1\u20134; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb.\nxii. 22\u201324.  So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I\nhave been able to laugh at destruction, _and to fear neither the horse\nnor his rider_.  I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in\nthis place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: _Oh_! _the mount\nSion_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _the innumerable company of angels_,\n_and God the Judge of all_, _and the spirits of just men made perfect_,\n_and Jesus_, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that\nhere, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to\nexpress: I have seen a truth in this scripture, _Whom having not seen_,\n_ye love_; _in whom_, _though now you see Him not_, _yet believing_, _ye\nrejoice with joy unspeakable_, _and full of glory_.  1 Pet. i. 8.\n\n323.  I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and\nat every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I\ncame in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have\nsupports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were,\nat nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath\nnot suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another,\nstrengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, _were it\nlawful_, _I could pray for greater trouble_, _for the greater comfort\u2019s\nsake_.  Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.\n\n324.  Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially\ntwo considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to\nencounter death, should that be here my portion.  For the first of these,\nthat scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray\nto God _to be strengthened with all might_, _according to His glorious\npower_, _unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness_.  I could\nseldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a\nyear together, this sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust\nitself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through\nlong-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it\njoyfully.\n\n325.  As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of\ngreat use to me, _But we had the sentence of death in ourselves_, _that\nwe should not trust in ourselves_, _but in God_, _which raiseth the\ndead_.  By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer\nrightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can\nproperly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife,\nmy children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself\nas dead to them.\n\n326.  The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in\nanother place; the way not to faint is, _To look not on the things that\nare seen_, _but at the things that are not seen_; _for the things that\nare seen are temporal_, _but the things that are not seen are eternal_.\nAnd thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the\nwhip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only\nprovide for these, then I am not fit for banishment.  Further, if I\nconclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am\nsurprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to\ntrust in God through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as\ntouching this world, _to count the grave my house_, _to make my bed in\ndarkness_; _to say to corruption_, _Thou art my father_, _and to the\nworm_, _Thou art my mother and sister_: that is, to familiarize these\nthings to me.\n\n327.  But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compassed\nwith infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often\nbeen to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and\nthat not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but\nalso because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships,\nmiseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I\nbe taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my\nheart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my\npoor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.\n\n           [Picture: Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children]\n\n328.  Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy\nportion in this world!  Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger,\ncold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure\nthe wind should blow upon thee.  But yet recalling myself, thought I, I\nmust venture you all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you:\nOh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house\nupon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I\nmust do it: and now I thought on those _two milch kine that were to carry\nthe ark of God into another country_, _and to leave their calves behind\nthem_.  1 Sam. vi. 10\u201312.\n\n329.  But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers\nconsiderations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first\nwas the consideration of these two scriptures, _Leave thy fatherless\nchildren_, _I will preserve them alive_, _and let thy widows trust in\nme_: and again, _The Lord said_, _Verily it shall be well with thy\nremnant_, _verily_, _I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the\ntime of evil_, _and in time of affliction_.  Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.\n\n330.  I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for\nGod, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him\nand His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine,\nthen I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that\nmy concernments were not so sure, if left at God\u2019s feet, whilst I stood\nto and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care,\nthough with the denial of the way of God.  This was a smarting\nconsideration, and as spurs unto my flesh.  That scripture also greatly\nhelped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas,\nthat God would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to\nsell his Master.  Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6\u20138, etc.\n\n331.  I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the\ntorments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of\nthe cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws\nbefore the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared\nfor those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before\nthem.  These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the\nmisery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be\nexposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.\n\n332.  When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my\nprofession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_,\n_they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_,\n_they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being\ndestitute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_;\nfor all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them.\nI have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every\ncity_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_.  I have verily thought that\n_my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate\nof a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to\ncold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and\nat last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep.\nBut I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_\nreasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.\n\n333.  I will tell you a pretty business:\u2014I was once above all the rest,\nin a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I\nbeing but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this\nlying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the\ngallows for ought that I could tell_.  Now therefore Satan laid hard at\nme, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_,\n_when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that\nis_, _as not to savour the things of God_, _nor to have any evidence upon\nyour soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the\nthings of God were hid from my soul).\n\n334.  Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great\ntrouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was\nin, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should\nbe called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a\nscrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with\nquaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to\nreproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness.  This,\ntherefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to\ndie with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.\n\n335.  Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me\nstrength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort\nappeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really\npossessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a\nladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to\nme; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a\nmultitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if\nit must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I\nshall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.\n\n336.  But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still\nthe tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_?\n_what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_?\n_what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among\nthem that are sanctified_?  Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew\nnot what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me,\n_that it was for the word and way of God that I was in this condition_,\n_Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair\u2019s breadth from it_.\n\n337.  I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me\ncomfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose\nwhether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free;\nyea, \u2019twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon\nme or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being\nthus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ,\nwhether I have comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, _I\nwill leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_,\n_come heaven_, _come hell_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_;\n_if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.\n\n338.  I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon\nme, _Doth Job serve God for nought_?  As if the accuser had said, _Lord_,\n_Job is no upright man_, _he serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou\nnot made an hedge about him_, _etc._  _But put forth now Thine hand_,\n_and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_.\nHow now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to\nserve God, when all is taken from him?  Is he a godly man that will serve\nGod for nothing, rather than give out!  Blessed be God! then I hope I\nhave an upright heart, for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never\nto deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as\nI was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12,\netc.\n\n339.  Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I\nwould not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every\ntime I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the\nteaching I have had by it.  Many more of the dealings towards me I might\nrelate, _But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to\nmaintain the house of God_.  1 Chron. xxvi. 27.\n\n\n\nTHE CONCLUSION\n\n\n1.  OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question\nthe being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to\nbe borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me,\nand removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of\nthat word, _Have your loins girt about with truth_; and of that, _When\nthe foundations are destroyed_, _what can the righteous do_?\n\n2.  Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore\nchastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had from\nHim, hath been the discovery of His grace.  Sometimes when I have been\ncomforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.\nAnd then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to\ngive such way to comfort; with such strength and weight have both these\nbeen upon me.\n\n3.  I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth visit my\nsoul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found\nagain, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that I have been in\nmy spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not so much as once\nconceive what that God and that comfort was, with which I have been\nrefreshed.\n\n4.  I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could well\ntell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole Bible hath\nbeen to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath been so dead and\ndry unto it, that I could not conceive the refreshment, though I have\nlooked it all over.\n\n5.  Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of Christ; and\nof all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ:\nOh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms,\nbefore God: I hope I know something of these things.\n\n6.  I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to\nunbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy that Christ\nmanifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and\ncoldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I pray for; 6. Apt to\nmurmur because I have no more, and yet ready to abuse what I have; 7. I\ncan do none of those things which God commands me, but my corruptions\nwill thrust in themselves.  When I would do good, evil is present with\nme.\n\n7.  These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and\noppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 1.\nThey make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my heart; 3.\nThey convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent righteousness; 4.\nThey show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray\nunto God; 6. They show me the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And\nprovoke me to pray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me\nthrough this world.\n\n\n\n\nA RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660\n\n\nWHEN, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years together,\nwithout any interruption, freely preached the blessed gospel of our Lord\nJesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement\nby His blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man\u2019s salvation,\ntook his opportunity to inflame the hearts of his vassals against me,\ninsomuch that at the last, I was laid out for by the warrant of a\njustice, and was taken and committed to prison.  The relation thereof is\nas followeth:\u2014\n\nUpon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some of\nthe friends in the country to come to teach at _Samsell_, by\n_Harlington_, in _Bedfordshire_.  To whom I made a promise, if the Lord\npermitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid.  The justice hearing\nthereof (whose name is Mr _Francis Wingate_), forthwith issued out his\nwarrant to take me, and bring me before him, and in the meantime to keep\na very strong watch about the house where the meeting should be kept, as\nif we that were to meet together in that place did intend to do some\nfearful business, to the destruction of the country; when alas! the\nconstable, when he came in, found us only with our Bibles in our hands,\nready to speak and hear the word of God; for we were just about to begin\nour exercise.  Nay, we had begun in prayer for the blessing of God upon\nour opportunity, intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto\nthem there present: {184} but the constable coming in prevented us.  So I\nwas taken and forced to depart the room.  But had I been minded to have\nplayed the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands.  For\nwhen I was come to my friend\u2019s house, there was whispering that that day\nI should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; which when my\nfriend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether we had best\nhave our meeting or not; and whether it might not be better for me to\ndepart, lest they should take me and have me before the justice, and\nafter that send me to prison (for he knew better than I what spirit they\nwere of, living by them): to whom I said, No, by no means, I will not\nstir, neither will I have the meeting dismissed for this.  Come, be of\ngood cheer; let us not be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be\nashamed of it; to preach God\u2019s Word, is so good a work, that we shall be\nwell rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose\u2014(But as for my\nfriend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself.)  After this I\nwalked into the close, where I somewhat seriously considering the matter,\nthis came into my mind, That I had showed myself hearty and courageous in\nmy preaching, and had, blessed be grace, made it my business to encourage\nothers; therefore thought I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it\nwill be of a very ill savour in the country.  For what will my weak and\nnewly-converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in\ndeed as I was in word?  Also I feared that if I should run now there was\na warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them afraid to stand, when\ngreat words only should be spoken to them.  Besides I thought, that\nseeing God of His mercy should choose me to go upon the forlorn hope in\nthis country; that is, to be the first, that should be opposed, for the\ngospel; if I should fly, it might be a discouragement to the whole body\nthat might follow after.  And further, I thought the world thereby would\ntake occasion at my cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to\nhave had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I\ndeserved.  These things with others considered by me, I came in again to\nthe house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to go\naway, though I could have been gone about an hour before the officer\napprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see the utmost of\nwhat they could say or do unto me.  For blessed be the Lord, I knew of no\nevil that I had said or done.  And so, as aforesaid, I begun the meeting.\nBut being prevented by the constable\u2019s coming in with his warrant to take\nme, I could not proceed.  But before I went away, I spake some few words\nof counsel and encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they\nsaw we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of\nGod, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that they would\nnot be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good account.\nFor we might have been apprehended as thieves or murderers, or for other\nwickedness; but blessed be God it was not so, but we suffer as Christians\nfor well doing: and we had better be the persecuted, than the\npersecutors, etc.  But the constable and the justice\u2019s man waiting on us,\nwould not be at quiet till they had me away and that we departed the\nhouse.  But because the justice was not at home that day, there was a\nfriend of mine engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow\nmorning.  Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or\nhave secured me some other way, my crime was so great.  So on the next\nmorning we went to the constable, and so to the justice. {187a}  He asked\nthe constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we had\nwith us?  I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but when the\nconstable told him that there were only met a few of us together to\npreach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, he could not well\ntell what to say: yet because he had sent for me, he did adventure to put\nout a few proposals to me, which were to this effect, namely, What I did\nthere?  And why I did not content myself with following my calling? for\nit was against the law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.\n\n_John Bunyan_.  To which I answered, That the intent of my coming\nthither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people to\nforsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did miserably\nperish; and that I could do both these without confusion (to wit), follow\nmy calling, and preach the Word also.\n\nAt which words, he {187b} was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said\nthat he would break the neck of our meetings.\n\n_Bun._  I said, It may be so.  Then he wished me to get sureties to be\nbound for me, or else he would send me to the jail.\n\nMy sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my\nappearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me from\npreaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be forfeited.  To\nwhich I answered, that then I should break them; for I should not leave\nspeaking the Word of God: even to counsel, comfort, exhort, and teach the\npeople among whom I came; and I thought this to be a work that had no\nhurt in it: but was rather worthy of commendation, than blame.\n\n_Wingate_.  Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound, my\nmittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie to the\nquarter sessions.\n\nNow while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in comes\nan old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come in, fell to\ntaunting at me with many reviling terms.\n\n_Bun._  To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk with him,\nbut with the justice.  Whereat he supposed that I had nothing to say for\nmyself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory; charging and\ncondemning me for meddling with that for which I could show no warrant;\nand asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I had not, it was pity but\nthat I should be sent to prison, etc.\n\nI told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober question\nthat he should put to me.  He then urged me again, how I could prove it\nlawful for me to preach, with a great deal of confidence of the victory.\n\nBut at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I listed, I\ncited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, _every man hath received\nthe gift_, _even so let him minister the same_, _etc._\n\n_Lind._  Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?\n\n_Bun._  To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a gift from\nGod.  Mark, saith the apostle, _As every man that hath received a gift\nfrom God_, etc.; and again, _You may all prophesy one by one_.  Whereat\nthe man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but not being\nwilling to lose the day, he began again, and said:\u2014\n\n_Lind._  Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander a\ncoppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles;\u2014(aiming it is\nlike at me, because I was a tinker).\n\n_Bun._  To which I answered, that I also had read of very many priests\nand pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our Lord Jesus\nChrist.\n\n_Lind._  Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and pharisees:\nfor you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour widows\u2019 houses.\n\n_Bun._  I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching and praying\nthan I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was.  But that\nscripture coming into my mind, _Answer not a fool according to his\nfolly_, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without prejudice to\ntruth.\n\nNow by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the constable,\nto be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.\n\nBut as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and\ndesired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail with\nthe justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to let me go at\nliberty.  So we did stay, while they went to the justice; and after much\ndiscourse with him, it came to this: that if I would come to him again,\nand say some certain words to him, I should be released.  Which when they\ntold me, I said if the words was such that might be said with a good\nconscience, I should or else I should not.  So through their importunity\nwent back again, but not believing that I should be delivered: for I\nfeared their spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go,\nunless I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound my\nconscience.  Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for light\nand strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that might either\ndishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or discouragement to\nany that was inclining after the Lord Jesus Christ.\n\nWell, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr _Foster_ of Bedford,\nwho, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the light of the candle\n(for it was dark night when I went thither), he said unto me, Who is\nthere? _John Bunyan_? with such seeming affection, as if he would have\nleaped on my neck and kissed {191a} me, which made me somewhat wonder,\nthat such a man as he, with whom I had so little acquaintance, and,\nbesides, that had ever been a close opposer of the ways of God, should\ncarry himself so full of love to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he\ndid, it caused me to remember those sayings, _Their tongues are smoother\nthan oil_, _but their words are drawn swords_.   And again, _Beware of\nmen_, _etc._  When I {191b} had answered him, that blessed be God, I was\nwell; he said, What is the occasion of your being here? or to that\npurpose.  To whom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little\nway off, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justice\nhearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetch me\nbefore him, etc.\n\n_Fost._  So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will promise to\ncall the people no more together, you shall have your liberty to go home;\nfor my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you will be but\nruled.\n\n_Bun._  Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the people\ntogether? my business is not anything among them, when they are come\ntogether, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of their souls,\nthat they may be saved, etc.\n\n_Fost._  Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or dispute now;\nbut if you will say you will call the people no more together, you may\nhave your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison.\n\n_Bun._  Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me; but\nyet, if I come into any place where there is a people met together, I\nshould, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, exhort and counsel\nthem to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation of their\nsouls.\n\n_Fost._  He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling; and\nif I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, I should have\nthe justice\u2019s favour, and be acquitted presently.\n\n_Bun._  To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too,\nnamely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty to do them\nboth, as I had an opportunity.\n\n_Fost._  He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and,\ntherefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call the people\nno more together.\n\n_Bun._  To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise; for my\nconscience would not suffer me to do it.  And again, I did look upon it\nas my duty to do as much good as I could, not only in my trade, but also\nin communicating to all people wheresoever I came the best knowledge I\nhad in the Word.\n\n_Fost._  He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, and that\nhe would convince me of immediately.\n\n_Bun._  I asked him, Wherein?\n\n_Fost._  He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that those that were to be understood literally, we\nunderstood them so; but for those that was to be understood otherwise, we\nendeavoured so to understand them.\n\n_Fost._  He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand literally?\n\n_Bun._  I said this, _He that believes shall be saved_.  This was to be\nunderstood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christ\nshall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, be saved.\n\n_Fost._  He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand the\nScriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know not\nthe original Greek? etc.\n\n_Bun._  To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none could\nunderstand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, etc.,\nthen but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (this is harsh);\nyet the Scripture saith, _That God hides these things from the wise and\nprudent_ (that is, from the learned of the world), _and reveals them to\nbabes and sucklings_.\n\n_Fost._  He said there were none that heard me but a company of foolish\npeople.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish that do\nhear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted foolish by the\nworld are the wisest before God; also, that God had rejected the wise,\nand mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, and the base.\n\n_Fost._  He told me that I made people neglect their calling; and that\nGod had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on the seventh.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich and poor),\nto look out for their souls on them days as well as for their bodies; and\nthat God would have His people exhort one another daily, while it is\ncalled to-day.\n\n_Fost._  He said again that there were none but a company of poor,\nsimple, ignorant people that come to hear me.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of\nteaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable for me\nto go on in that work.\n\n_Fost._  Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that you will\nnot call the people together any more? and then you may be released and\ngo home.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for I durst\nnot leave off that work which God had called me to.\n\nSo he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice\u2019s servants\nto me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety.  Their master,\nthey said, was willing to let me go; and if I would but say I would call\nthe people no more together, I might have my liberty, etc.\n\n_Bun._  I told them there were more ways than one in which a man might be\nsaid to call the people together.  As for instance, if a man get upon the\nmarket-place, and there read a book, or the like, though he do not say to\nthe people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet if they come to him because\nhe reads, he, by his very reading, may be said to call them together;\nbecause they would not have been there to hear if he had not been there\nto read.  And seeing this might be termed a calling the people together;\nI durst not say, I would not call them together; for then, by the same\nargument, my preaching might be said to call them together.\n\n_Wing. and Fost._  Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again; (we\nhad a little more discourse about preaching, but because the method of it\nis out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that I was at a point,\nand would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the man that did at\nfirst express so much love to me, told the justice that then he must send\nme away to prison.  And that he would do well, also, if he would present\nall those that were the cause of my coming among them to meetings.  Thus\nwe parted.\n\nAnd, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to forbear\nsaying to them that I carried the peace of God along with me; but I held\nmy peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to prison, with God\u2019s\ncomfort in my poor soul.\n\nAfter I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought means,\nagain, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, that I should\nlie there till I could find sureties).  They went to a justice at Elstow,\none Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond for my appearing at the\nquarter sessions.  At the first he told them he would; but afterwards he\nmade a demur at the business, and desired first to see my mittimus, which\nran to this purpose: That I went about to several conventicles in the\ncounty, to the great disparagement of the government of the church of\nEngland, etc.  When he had seen it, he said that there might be something\nmore against me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a\nyoung man, therefore he durst not do it.  This my jailor told me; and,\nwhereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw evidently that\nthe Lord had heard me; for before I went down to the justice, I begged of\nGod that if I might do more good by being at liberty than in prison, that\nthen I might be set at liberty; but if not, His will be done; for I was\nnot altogether without hopes but that my imprisonment might be an\nawakening to the saints in the country, therefore I could not tell well\nwhich to choose; only I, in that manner, did commit the thing to God.\nAnd verily, at my return, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again,\ncomforting of me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that\nI should be there.\n\nWhen I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender answer\nof the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some life, _For He\nknew that for envy they had delivered Him_.\n\nThus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being in\nprison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me as He\npleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to the ground\nwithout the will of my Father, which is in heaven.  Let the rage and\nmalice of men be never so great, they can do no more, nor go any further,\nthan God permits them; but when they have done their worst, We know all\nthings shall work together for good to them that love God.\n\nFarewell.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n_Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice_ KEELIN, _Justice_\nCHESTER, _Justice_ BLUNDALE, _Justice_ BEECHER, _Justice_ SNAGG, _etc._\n\n                                * * * * *\n\nAFTER I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions were\nto be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I was to be\nbrought; and when my jailor had set me before those justices, there was a\nbill of indictment preferred against me.  The extent thereof was as\nfolloweth: That John Bunyan, of the town of Bedford, labourer, being a\nperson of such and such conditions, he hath (since such a time)\ndevilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to church to hear\nDivine service, and is a common upholder of several unlawful meetings and\nconventicles, to the great disturbance and distraction of the good\nsubjects of this kingdom, contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the\nKing, etc.\n\n_The Clerk_.  When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said unto me,\nWhat say you to this?\n\n_Bun._  I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common\nfrequenter of the Church of God.  And was also, by grace, a member with\nthe people, over whom Christ is the Head.\n\n_Keelin_.  But, saith Justice _Keelin_ (who was the judge in that court),\ndo you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parish church, to\nhear Divine service?\n\n_Bun._  I answered, No, I did not.\n\n_Keel._  He asked me, Why?\n\n_Bun._  I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word of God.\n\n_Keel._  He said, We were commanded to pray.\n\n_Bun._  I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book.\n\n_Keel._  He said, How then?\n\n_Bun._  I said, With the Spirit.  As the apostle saith, _I will pray with\nthe Spirit_, _and with the understanding_.  1 Cor. xiv. 15.\n\n_Keel._  He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with the\nunderstanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.\n\n_Bun._  I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were such as\nwas made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost, within\nour hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will pray with the\nSpirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit and the Common\nPrayer-Book.\n\n_Another Justice_.  What do you count prayer?  Do you think it is to say\na few words over before or among a people?\n\n_Bun._  I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, or excellent\nwords, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, he doth, through\na sense of those things which he wants (which sense is begotten by the\nSpirit), pour out his heart before God through Christ; though his words\nbe not so many and so excellent as others are.\n\n_Justices_.  They said, That was true.\n\n_Bun._  I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book.\n\n_Another_.  One of them said (I think it was Justice _Blundale_, or\nJustice _Snagg_), How should we know that you do not write out your\nprayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people?  This he\nspake in a laughing way.\n\n_Bun._  I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and write a\nfew words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company of people.\n\nBut how should we know it, said he?\n\n_Bun._  Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.\n\n_Keel._  But said Justice _Keelin_, It is lawful to use the Common\nPrayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples to pray, as\nJohn also taught his disciples.  And further, said he, Cannot one man\nteach another to pray?  Faith comes by hearing; and one man may convince\nanother of sin, and therefore prayers made by men, and read over, are\ngood to teach, and help men to pray.\n\nWhile he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my mind, in\nthe eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse.  I say, God brought it, for\nI thought not on it before: but as he was speaking, it came so fresh into\nmy mind, and was set so evidently before me, as if the scripture had\nsaid, Take me, take me; so when he had done speaking,\n\n_Bun._  I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that _it is the spirit that\nhelpeth our infirmities_; for we know not what we should pray for as we\nought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, with sighs and\ngroanings which cannot be uttered.  Mark, said I, it doth not say the\nCommon Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the Spirit.  And it is\n_the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities_, saith the apostle; he doth not\nsay it is the Common Prayer-Book.\n\nAnd as to the Lord\u2019s prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, _Our\nFather_, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that can, in the\nSpirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, that can call\nGod their Father, as knowing what it is to be born again, and as having\nexperience, that they are begotten of the Spirit of God: which if they do\nnot, all is but babbling, etc.\n\n_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said that that was a truth.\n\n_Bun._  And I say further, as to your saying that one man may convince\nanother of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that one man may\ntell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may tell each other of\ntheir sins, but it is the Spirit that must convince them.\n\nAnd though it be said that _faith comes by hearing_: yet it is the Spirit\nthat worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else _they are not\nprofited by hearing_.  Heb. iv. 12.\n\nAnd that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet, as I\nsaid before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to God, except\nthe Spirit help.  It is not the Common Prayer-Book that can do this.  It\nis the _Spirit that showeth us our sins_, and the _Spirit that showeth us\na Saviour_, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that stirreth up in our hearts\ndesires to come to God, for such things as we stand in need of, Matt. xi.\n27, even sighing out our souls unto Him for them with _groans which\ncannot be uttered_.  With other words to the same purpose.  At this they\nwere set.\n\n_Keel._  But says Justice _Keelin_, What have you against the Common\nPrayer-Book?\n\n_Bun._  I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasons\nagainst it.\n\n_Keel._  He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let me give\nyou one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the Common\nPrayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage upon yourself.\n\n_Bun._  So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it was not\ncommanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it.\n\n_Another_.  One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in the\nScripture, that you should go to _Elstow_, or _Bedford_, and yet it is\nlawful to go to either of them, is it not?\n\n_Bun._  I said, To go to _Elstow_, or _Bedford_, was a civil thing, and\nnot material, though not commanded, and yet God\u2019s Word allowed me to go\nabout my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go thither, etc.\nBut to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship of God, and therefore\nit ought to be done according to the rule of God\u2019s Word.\n\n_Another_.  One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak no further.\n\n_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said, No, no, never fear him, we are better\nestablished than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer-Book\nhath been ever since the apostles\u2019 time, and it is lawful for it to be\nused in the church.\n\n_Bun._  I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the Common\nPrayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands me to\nread it, and I will use it.  But yet, notwithstanding, said I, they that\nhave a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, I would not keep\nthem from it; but for our parts, we can pray to God without it.  Blessed\nbe His name!\n\nWith that, one of them said, Who is your God?  Beelzebub?  Moreover, they\noften said, that I was possessed with the spirit of delusion, and of the\ndevil.  All which sayings I passed over; the Lord forgive them!  And\nfurther, I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are encouraged to meet\ntogether, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, we have had the\ncomfortable presence of God among us.  For ever blessed be His holy name!\n\n_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ called this pedler\u2019s French, saying, that I\nmust leave off my canting.  The Lord open his eyes!\n\n_Bun._  I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it is\ncalled to-day, etc.\n\n_Keel._  Justice _Keelin_ said that I ought not to preach; and asked me\nwhere I had my authority? with other such like words.\n\n_Bun._  I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and such as\nI am, to preach the Word of God.\n\n_Keel._  He said unto me, By what Scripture?\n\n_Bun._  I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. iv. 10, 11,\nand Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not suffer me to\nmention.  But said, Hold; not so many, which is the first?\n\n_Bun._  I said this: _As every man hath received the gift_, _even so let\nhim minister the same unto another_, _as good stewards of the manifold\ngrace of God_.  _If any man speak_, _let him speak as the oracles of\nGod_, _etc._\n\n_Keel._  He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: _As every\nman hath received the gift_; that is, said he, as every one hath received\na trade, so let him follow it.  If any man have received a gift of\ntinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his tinkering.  And so other\nmen their trades.  And the divine his calling, etc.\n\n_Bun._  Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle speaks\nhere of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the verses\ntogether, the next verse explains this gift what it is, saying, _if any\nman speak_, _let him speak as the oracles of God_.  So that it is plain,\nthat the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this place exhort to civil\ncallings, as to the exercising of those gifts that we have received from\nGod.  I would have gone on, but he would not give me leave.\n\n_Keel._  He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways.\n\n_Bun._  I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful to do\ngood to more.  If it was a good duty to exhort our families, it was good\nto exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meet together to seek the\nface of God, and exhort one another to follow Christ, I should sin still;\nfor so we should do.\n\n_Keel._  He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as to dispute, or\nwords to that purpose.  And said, moreover, that they could not wait upon\nme any longer; but said to me, Then you confess the indictment, do you\nnot?  Now, and not till now, I saw I was indicted.\n\n_Bun._  I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together, both\nto pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the sweet\ncomforting presence of the Lord among us for our encouragement; blessed\nbe His name therefore.  I confessed myself guilty no otherwise.\n\n_Keel._  Then, said he, bear your judgment.  You must be had back again\nto prison, and there lie for three months following; and at three months\u2019\nend, if you do not submit to go to church to hear Divine service, and\nleave your preaching, you must be banished the realm: and if, after such\na day as shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found in this\nrealm, etc., or be found to come over again without special licence from\nthe king, etc., you must stretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly:\nand so he bid my jailor have me away.\n\n_Bun._  I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; for if\nI were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to-morrow,\nby the help of God.\n\n_Another_.  To which one made me some answer: but my jailor pulling me\naway to be gone, I could not tell what he said.\n\nThus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord _Jesus\nChrist_ for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the time of my\nexamination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the prison.  So that\nI found Christ\u2019s words more than bare trifles, where He saith, _I will\ngive you a mouth and wisdom_, _which all your adversaries shall not be\nable to gainsay_, _nor resist_.  Luke xxi. 15.  And that His peace no man\ncan take from us.\n\nThus have I given you the substance of my examination.  The Lord make\nthis profitable to all that shall read or hear it.  Farewell.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n_The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peace and\nmyself_; _when he came to admonish me_, _according to the tenor of that\nLaw_, _by which I was in prison_.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\nWHEN I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing what\nthey intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, comes Mr Cobb\nunto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices to admonish me; and\ndemand of me submittance to the church of England, etc.  The extent of\nour discourse was as followeth.\n\n_Cobb_.  When he was come into the house he sent for me out of my\nchamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour _Bunyan_, how\ndo you do?\n\n_Bun._  I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord.\n\n_Cobb_.  Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you would\nsubmit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next sessions it\nwill go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the nation, or else\nworse than that.\n\n_Bun._  I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both as\nbecometh a man and a Christian.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, and\nleave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the statute-law\nis directly against it; and I am sent to you by the justices to tell you\nthat they do intend to prosecute the law against you if you submit not.\n\n_Bun._  I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prison at\nthis time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetings which I\ndo frequent; that law was made against those, that being designed to do\nevil in their meetings, making the exercise of religion their pretence,\nto cover their wickedness.  It doth not forbid the private meetings of\nthose that plainly and simply make it their only end to worship the Lord,\nand to exhort one another to edification.  My end in meeting with others\nis simply to do as much good as I can, by exhortation and counsel,\naccording to that small measure of light which God hath given me, and not\nto disturb the peace of the nation.\n\n_Cobb_.  Every one will say the same, said he; you see the late\ninsurrection {210} at _London_, under what glorious pretences they went;\nand yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom and\ncommonwealth.\n\n_Bun._  That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth not follow\nthat, because they did so, therefore all others will do so.  I look upon\nit as my duty to behave myself under the King\u2019s government, both as\nbecomes a man and a Christian, and if an occasion were offered me, I\nshould willingly manifest my loyalty to my Prince, both by word and deed.\n\n_Cobb_.  Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that can\ndispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour _Bunyan_, I would have you\nconsider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have your\nliberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so be you do not\ncall together an assembly of people; and, truly, you may do much good to\nthe church of Christ, if you would go this way; and this you may do, and\nthe law not abridge you of it.  It is your private meetings that the law\nis against.\n\n_Bun._  Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why may I\nnot do good to two?  And if to two, why not to four, and so to eight?\netc.\n\n_Cobb_.  Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you.\n\n_Bun._  Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do as much\ngood as I can.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead,\nnotwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, therefore,\ndenied your meeting so many together, lest you should do harm.\n\n_Bun._  And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse with\nmy neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any one;\ntherefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is to do him\ngood; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, by the same\nlaw, I may do good to many.\n\n_Cobb_.  The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private meetings;\ntherefore they are not to be tolerated.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that I would not entertain so much uncharitableness of\nthat Parliament in the 35th of _Elizabeth_, or of the Queen herself, as\nto think they did, by that law, intend the oppressing of any of God\u2019s\nordinances, or the interrupting any in way of God; but men may, in the\nwresting of it, turn it against the way of God; but take the law in\nitself, and it only fighteth against those that drive at mischief in\ntheir hearts and meeting, making religion only their cloak, colour, or\npretence; for so are the words of the statute: _If any meetings_, _under\ncolour or pretence of religion_, _etc._\n\n_Cobb_.  Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences are usually\nin and among people, so as to make religion their pretence only;\ntherefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such private meetings,\nand tolerates only public; you may meet in public.\n\n_Bun._  Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set the case\nthat, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, to do\nmischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one that cometh\nout there shall be killed?  May not there come out true men as well as\nthieves out from thence?  Just thus is it in this case; I do think there\nmay be many that may design the destruction of the commonwealth; but it\ndoth not follow therefore that all private meetings are unlawful; those\nthat transgress, let them be punished.  And if at any time I myself\nshould do any act in my conversation as doth not become a man and\nChristian, let me bear the punishment.  And as for your saying I may meet\nin public, if I may be suffered, I would gladly do it.  Let me have but\nmeeting enough in public, and I shall care the less to have them in\nprivate.  I do not meet in private because I am afraid to have meetings\nin public.  I bless the Lord that my heart is at that point, that if any\nman can lay any thing to my charge, either in doctrine or in practice, in\nthis particular, that can be proved error or heresy, I am willing to\ndisown it, even in the very market-place; but if it be truth, then to\nstand to it to the last drop of my blood.  And, Sir, said I, you ought to\ncommend me for so doing.  To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am\nno heretic, because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing\nthat is contrary to the Word.  Prove any thing which I hold to be an\nerror, and I will recant it.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, goodman _Bunyan_, said he, methinks you need not stand so\nstrictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such public\nassemblies.  Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much good as\nyou can, in a neighbourly way, without having such meetings?\n\n_Bun._  Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but to\nthink meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking notice\nof that small measure of light which God hath given me, also that the\npeople of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified thereby.  Besides,\nwhen I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in some measure blessed my\nlabour, I dare not but exercise that gift which God hath given me for the\ngood of the people.  And I said further, that I would willingly speak in\npublic if I might.\n\n_Cobb_.  He said, that I might come to the public assemblies and hear.\nWhat though you do not preach? you may hear.  Do not think yourself so\nwell enlightened, and that you have received a gift so far above others,\nbut that you may hear other men preach.  Or to that purpose.\n\n_Bun._  I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give instruction,\nand I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said I, a man that is a\nteacher, he himself may learn also from another that teacheth, as the\napostle saith, _We may all prophesy one by one_, _that all may learn_.  1\nCor. xiv. 31.  That is, every man that hath received a gift from God, he\nmay dispense it, that others may be comforted; and when he hath done, he\nmay hear and learn, and be comforted himself of others.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sit still,\ntill you see further how things will go?\n\n_Bun._  Sir, said I, _Wickliffe_ saith, that he which leaveth off\npreaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of excommunication of\nmen, he is already excommunicated of God, and shall in the day of\njudgment be counted a traitor to Christ. {214}\n\n_Cobb_.  Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted indeed;\ndo you, therefore, hear?\n\n_Bun._  But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off either\npreaching or hearing, etc.  That is, if he hath received a gift for\nedification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way of\nexhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift; as well\nas to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, said he, how shall we know that you have received a gift?\n\n_Bun._  Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrine by\nthe Bible.\n\n_Cobb_.  But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent persons\nshall determine the case; and will you stand by their judgment?\n\n_Bun._  I said, Are they infallible?\n\n_Cobb_.  He said, No.\n\n_Bun._  Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good as\ntheirs.  But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be judged by\nthe Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot err.\n\n_Cobb_.  But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take the\nScriptures one way, and they another?\n\n_Bun._  I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing one Scripture\nwith another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly compared.  As\nfor instance, if under the different apprehensions of the word\n_Mediator_, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures open it, and\ntell us that he that is a mediator must take up the business between two,\nand a mediator is not a mediator of one,\u2014_but God is one_, _and there is\none Mediator between God and men_, _even the man Christ Jesus_.  Gal.\niii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5.  So likewise the Scripture calleth Christ a\n_complete_, or perfect, or able _high priest_.  That is opened in that He\nis called man, and also God.  His blood also is discovered to be\neffectually efficacious by the same things.  So the Scripture, as\ntouching the matter of meeting together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently\nopen itself and discover its meaning.\n\n_Cobb_.  But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of the\nchurch?\n\n_Bun._  Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God; (the\nchurch\u2019s judgment is best expressed in Scripture).  We had much other\ndiscourse which I cannot well remember, about the laws of the nation, and\nsubmission to governments; to which I did tell him, that I did look upon\nmyself as bound in conscience to walk according to all righteous laws,\nand that, whether there was a king or no; and if I did any thing that was\ncontrary, I did hold it my duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law,\nthat was provided against such offenders; with many more words to the\nlike effect.  And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of\nsuspicion from any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in\nprivate, I would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of\nall my sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country,\nand to submit to the present authority.\n\n_Cobb_.  Well, neighbour _Bunyan_, said he, but indeed I would wish you\nseriously to consider of these things, between this and the\nquarter-sessions, and to submit yourself.  You may do much good if you\ncontinue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it be to your\nfriends, or what good can you do to them, if you should be sent away\nbeyond the seas into _Spain_, or _Constantinople_, or some other remote\npart of the world?  Pray be ruled.\n\n_Jailor_.  Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.\n\n_Bun._  I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself in the\nnation, whilst I am in it.  And if I must be so dealt withal, as you say,\nI hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay upon me.  I know no\nevil that I have done in this matter, to be so used.  I speak as in the\npresence of God.\n\n_Cobb_.  You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, _the powers that\nbe_, _are ordained of God_.\n\n_Bun._  I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme, and\nalso to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him.\n\n_Cobb_.  Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that you should\nnot have any private meetings; because it is against his law, and he is\nordained of God, therefore you should not have any.\n\n_Bun._  I told him that _Paul_ did own the powers that were in his day,\nto be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for all that.\nAnd also, though _Jesus Christ_ told _Pilate_, that He had no power\nagainst him, but of God, yet He died under the same _Pilate_; and yet,\nsaid I, I hope you will not say that either _Paul_, or Christ, were such\nas did deny magistracy, and so sinned against God in slighting the\nordinance.  Sir, said I, the law hath provided two ways of obeying: the\none to do that which I, in my conscience, do believe that I am bound to\ndo, actively; and where I cannot obey actively, there I am willing to lie\ndown, and to suffer what they shall do unto me.  At this he sat still,\nand said no more; which when he had done, I did thank him for his civil\nand meek discoursing with me; and so we parted.\n\nO! that we might meet in heaven!\n\n                                                          Farewell.  J. B.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n_Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges_, _with\nothers_, _touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following_; _the which I\ntook from her own Mouth_.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\nAFTER that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, from\nthem, and after the former admonition, touching the determination of the\njustices if I did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in which I\nshould have abjured, or have done worse (as Mr Cobb told me), came the\ntime in which the King was to be crowned. {219}  Now, at the coronation\nof kings, there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue\nof his coronation; in which privilege also I should have had my share;\nbut that they took me for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I\nsued out a pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby,\nnotwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did give\nliberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day twelvemonth, to\nsue them out; therefore, though they would not let me out of prison, as\nthey let out thousands, yet they could not meddle with me, as touching\nthe execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offered for the\nsuing out of pardons.  Whereupon I continued in prison till the next\nassizes, which are called _Midsummer assizes_, being then kept in\n_August_, 1661.\n\nNow, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means\nunattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a petition\nto the judges three times, that I might be heard, and that they would\nimpartially take my case into consideration.\n\nThe first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge _Hale_, who very\nmildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do her and me\nthe best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could do none.  The\nnext day, again, lest they should, through the multitude of business,\nforget me, we did throw another petition into the coach to Judge\n_Twisdon_; who, when he had seen it, snapt her up, and angrily told her\nthat I was a convicted person, and could not be released, unless I would\npromise to preach no more, etc.\n\nWell, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as he\nsat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her audience.\nOnly Justice _Chester_ being present, stept up and said, that I was\nconvicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited fellow (or words to\nthat purpose), whereat he waived it, and did not meddle therewith.  But\nyet, my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff, did venture once more\ninto their presence (as the poor widow did before the unjust judge) to\ntry what she could do with them for my liberty, before they went forth of\nthe town.  The place where she went to them, was to the _Swan-chamber_,\nwhere the two judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in\ncompany together.  She then coming into the chamber with a bashed face,\nand a trembling heart, began her errand to them in this manner:\u2014\n\n            [Picture: Bunyan\u2019s Wife pleading with the Judges]\n\n_Woman_.  My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold to come\nonce again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with my husband.\n\n_Judge Hale_.  To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could do thee\nno good; because they have taken that for a conviction which thy husband\nspoke at the sessions: and unless there be something done to undo that, I\ncan do thee no good.\n\n_Woman_.  My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; they\nclapped him up before there was any proclamation against the meetings;\nthe indictment also is false.  Besides, they never asked him whether he\nwas guilty or no; neither did he confess the indictment.\n\n_One of the Justices_.  Then one of the justices that stood by, whom she\nknew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted.\n\n_Wom._  It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do you confess\nthe indictment? he said only this, that he had been at several meetings,\nboth where there were preaching the Word, and prayer, and that they had\nGod\u2019s presence among them.\n\n_Judge Twisdon_.  Whereat Judge _Twisdon_ answered very angrily, saying,\nWhat, you think we can do what we list; your husband is a breaker of the\npeace, and is convicted by the law, etc.  Whereupon Judge _Hale_ called\nfor the Statute Book.\n\n_Wom._  But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted.\n\n_Chester_.  Then Justice _Chester_ said, My lord, he was lawfully\nconvicted.\n\n_Wom._  It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse that they\ntook for a conviction (as you heard before).\n\n_Chest._  But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said Justice\n_Chester_; as if it must be of necessity true, because it was recorded.\nWith which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth, having no other\nargument to convince her, but it is recorded, it is recorded.\n\n_Wom._  My Lord, said she, I was a while since at _London_, to see if I\ncould get my husband\u2019s liberty; and there I spoke with my lord\n_Barkwood_, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered a petition,\nwho took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of the House of\nLords, for my husband\u2019s releasement; who, when they had seen it, they\nsaid, that they could not release him, but had committed his releasement\nto the judges, at the next assizes.  This he told me; and now I am come\nto you to see if any thing may be done in this business, and you give\nneither releasement nor relief.  To which they gave her no answer, but\nmade as if they heard her not.\n\n_Chest._  Only Justice _Chester_ was often up with this,\u2014He is convicted,\nand it is recorded.\n\n_Wom._  If it be, it is false, said she.\n\n_Chest._  My lord, said Justice _Chester_, he is a pestilent fellow,\nthere is not such a fellow in the country again.\n\n_Twis._  What, will your husband leave preaching?  If he will do so, then\nsend for him.\n\n_Wom._  My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as he can\nspeak.\n\n_Twis._  See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow?\nMust he do what he lists?  He is a breaker of the peace.\n\n_Wom._  She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and to\nfollow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and moreover,\nsaid, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot help themselves,\none of which is blind, and have nothing to live upon, but the charity of\ngood people.\n\n_Hale_.  Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but a young\nwoman to have four children.\n\n_Wom._  My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not\nbeen married to him yet full two years.  Indeed, I was with child when my\nhusband was first apprehended; but being young, and unaccustomed to such\nthings, said she, I being smayed {224} at the news, fell into labour, and\nso continued for eight days, and then was delivered, but my child died.\n\n_Hale_.  Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas, poor\nwoman!\n\n_Twis._  But Judge _Twisdon_ told her, that she made poverty her cloak;\nand said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better by running\nup and down a preaching, than by following my calling.\n\n_Hale_.  What is his calling? said Judge Hale.\n\n_Answer_.  Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, my\nlord.\n\n_Wom._  Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man,\ntherefore he is despised, and cannot have justice.\n\n_Hale_.  Then Judge _Hale_ answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee,\nwoman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake for a\nconviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or sue out his\npardon, or get a writ of error.\n\n_Chest._  But when Justice _Chester_ heard him give her this counsel; and\nespecially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of error, he\nchafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, My lord, he will\npreach and do what he lists.\n\n_Wom._  He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she.\n\n_Twis._  He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, she thought\nhe would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth harm.\n\n_Wom._  No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, and done\nmuch good by him.\n\n_Twis._  God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil.\n\n_Wom._  My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, it will\nbe known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil.\n\n_Twis._  My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but send her\naway.\n\n_Hale_.  Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do thee no\ngood; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, either to\napply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error;\nbut a writ of error will be cheapest.\n\n_Wom._  At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put off his\nhat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: but when I saw,\nsaid she, that there was no prevailing to have my husband sent for,\nthough I often desired them that they would send for him, that he might\nspeak for himself; telling them, that he could give them better\nsatisfaction than I could, in what they demanded of him, with several\nother things, which now I forget; only this I remember, that though I was\nsomewhat timorous at my first entrance into the chamber, yet before I\nwent out, I could not but break forth into tears, not so much because\nthey were so hard-hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a\nsad account such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the\nLord, when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have\ndone in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.\n\nSo, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, but what\nthey said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear any more from\nthem.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n_Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God\u2019s Truth with me at the next\nAssizes_, _which was on the_ 19_th_ _of the first month_, 1662.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\nI SHALL pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, by my\njailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and how I\nfollowed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions that were\nput into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting them to be\nsteadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed that they\ntouched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which\ngiveth direction to Christians in every point, being able to make the man\nof God perfect in all things through faith in Jesus Christ, and\nthoroughly to furnish him unto all good works.  2 Tim. iii. 17.  Also how\nI having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did go to see the Christians at\n_London_; which my enemies hearing of, were so angry, that they had\nalmost cast my jailor out of his place, threatening to indict him, and to\ndo what they could against him.  They charged me also, that I went\nthither to plot and raise division, and make insurrection, which, God\nknows, was a slander; whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it\nwas before; so that I must not now look out of the door.  Well, when the\nnext sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I\ndid expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed me by,\nand would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, which was held\nthe 19th of the first month (1662) following; and when they came, because\nI had a desire to come before the judge, I desired my jailor to put my\nname into the calendar among the felons, and made friends of the judge\nand high-sheriff, who promised that I should be called: so that I thought\nwhat I had done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire:\nbut all was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in the\ncalendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had promised that I\nshould appear before them, yet the justices and the clerk of the peace,\ndid so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, was deferred, and was not\nsuffered to appear: and although I say, I do not know of all their\ncarriages towards me, yet this I know, that the clerk of the peace (Mr\nCobb) did discover himself to be one of my greatest opposers: for, first\nhe came to my jailor and told him that I must not go down before the\njudge, and therefore must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor\nsaid, that my name was in already.  He bid him put it out again; my\njailor told him that he could not: for he had given the judge a calendar\nwith my name in it, and also the sheriff another.  At which he was very\nmuch displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet in my\njailor\u2019s hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it, and said\nit was a false calendar; he also took the calendar and blotted out my\naccusation, as my jailor had written it (which accusation I cannot tell\nwhat it was, because it was so blotted out), and he himself put in words\nto this purpose: That John Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully\nconvicted for upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc.  But\nyet for all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto,\nit would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to the\njustices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means\nunattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that\nif I did go down before the judge, and was released, he would make him\npay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him, that he\nwould complain of him at the next quarter sessions for making of false\ncalendars, though my jailor himself, as I afterwards learned, had put in\nmy accusation worse than in itself it was by far.  And thus was I\nhindered and prevented at that time also from appearing before the judge:\nand left in prison.\n\nFarewell.\n\n                                                              JOHN BUNYAN.\n\n\n\n\n_A Continuation of_ Mr BUNYAN\u2019S LIFE; _beginning where he left off_, _and\nconcluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and Burial_: _together\nwith his true Character_, _etc._\n\n\nREADER, the painful and industrious author of this book, has already\ngiven you a faithful and very moving relation of the beginning and middle\nof the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remains\nsomewhat worthy of notice and regard, which occurred in the last scene of\nhis life, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censorious\npeople should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praise from men,\nhe has not left behind him in writing.  Wherefore, as a true friend, and\nlong acquaintance of Mr _Bunyan\u2019s_ that his good end may be known, as\nwell as his evil beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and\nthe best account given by other of his friends, to piece this to the\nthread too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering upon\neternity.\n\nHe has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil habits and\ncorruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled and conflicted so\nfrequently with, the mercies, comforts, and deliverances he found, how he\ncame to take upon him the preaching of the Gospel; the slanders,\nreproaches and imprisonments that attended him, and the progress he\nnotwithstanding made (by the assistance of God\u2019s grace) no doubt to the\nsaving of many souls: therefore take these things, as he himself hath\nmethodically laid them down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to\nwhat remains.\n\nAfter his being freed from his twelve years\u2019 imprisonment and upwards,\nfor nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the world with sundry\ngood books, etc., and by his patience, to move _Dr Barlow_, the then\nBishop of _Lincoln_, and other church-men, to pity his hard and\nunreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much his friends, in\nprocuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had died, by the\nnoisomeness and ill usage of the place.  Being now, I say, again at\nliberty, and having through mercy shaken off his bodily fetters,\u2014for\nthose upon his soul were broken before by the abounding grace that filled\nhis heart,\u2014he went to visit those that had been a comfort to him in his\ntribulation, with a Christian-like acknowledgment of their kindness and\nenlargement of charity; giving encouragement by his example, if it\nhappened to be their hard haps to fall into affliction or trouble, then\nto suffer patiently for the sake of a good conscience, and for the love\nof God in Jesus Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial\npersuasions, supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through the\nfear of danger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that the\npeople found a wonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions.\n\nAs often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together (though\nthe law was then in force against meetings) in convenient places, and fed\nthem with the sincere milk of the Word, that they might grow up in grace\nthereby.  To such as were anywhere taken and imprisoned upon these\naccounts, he made it another part of his business to extend his charity,\nand gather relief for such of them as wanted.\n\nHe took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against the\nsuggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very prevalent; so\nthat they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had put it into his heart,\nat such a time, to rescue them from the power of the roaring lion, who\nsought to devour them; nor did he spare any pains or labour in travel,\nthough to remote counties, where he knew or imagined any people might\nstand in need of his assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations\nthat he made, which was two or three every year (some, though in a\njeering manner no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop _Bunyan_) whilst\nothers envied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ\u2019s vineyard;\nyet the seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of his\ncongregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth in abundance,\nin bringing in disciples to the church of Christ.\n\nAnother part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by which he\nhindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from ruin, and in such\nfallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means to labour a\nreconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a blessing is promised\nin holy writ; and indeed in doing this good office, he may be said to sum\nup his days, it being the last undertaking of his life, as will appear in\nthe close of this paper.\n\nWhen in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly given and\nindulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing wit penetrated\nthe veil, and found that it was not for the dissenters\u2019 sakes they were\nso suddenly freed from the hard prosecutions that had long lain heavy\nupon them, and set in a manner, on an equal foot with the Church of\n_England_, which the papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he\nforesaw all the advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters\nwould have been no more than what _Polyphemus_, the monstrous giant of\n_Sicily_, would have allowed _Ulysses_, _viz._: That he would eat his men\nfirst, and do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr\n_Bunyan_, following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty,\nas an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord of\nconscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to the\ndictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the glad tidings of\nthe Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all this he moved with\ncaution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for the averting impending\njudgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, hanging over our heads for\nour sins, and ready to break in upon us, and that the _Ninevites\u2019_ remedy\nwas now highly necessary: hereupon he gathered his congregation at\n_Bedford_, where he mostly lived, and had lived and spent the greatest\npart of his life; and there being no convenient place to be had for the\nentertainment of so great a confluence of people as followed him upon the\naccount of his teaching, he consulted with them for the building of a\nmeeting-house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with all\ncheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there to edify,\nthe place was so thronged, that many was constrained to stay without,\nthough the house was very spacious, every one striving to partake of his\ninstructions, that were of his persuasion, and show their good-will\ntowards him, by being present at the opening of the place; and here he\nlived in much peace and quiet of mind, contenting himself with that\nlittle God had bestowed upon him, and sequestering himself from all\nsecular employments, to follow that of his call to the ministry; for as\nGod said to _Moses_, He that made the lips and heart, can give eloquence\nand wisdom, without extraordinary acquirements in an university.\n\nDuring these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and towns\ncorporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, etc., by\nturning out some, and putting in others: against this Mr _Bunyan_\nexpressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the bad consequence\nthat would attend it, and laboured with his congregation to prevent their\nbeing imposed on in this kind; and when a great man in those days, coming\nto _Bedford_ upon some such errand, sent for him, as \u2019tis supposed, to\ngive him a place of public trust, he would by no means come at him, but\nsent his excuse.\n\nWhen he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up to\n_London_, and there went among the congregations of the non-conformists,\nand used his talent to the great good-liking of the hearers; and even\nsome to whom he had been mis-represented, upon the account of his\neducation, were convinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things, as\nperceiving him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himself plainly\nand powerfully; insomuch that many, who came mere spectators for novelty\nsake rather than to edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with\nwhat they heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, _viz._:\nWhence this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that\nGod more immediately assists those that make it their business\nindustriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.\n\nThus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and Master,\nthe ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that the most prying\ncritic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, even upon the\nnarrowest search or observation, any sully or stain upon his reputation,\nwith which he may be justly charged; and this we note, as a challenge to\nthose that have the least regard for him, or them of his persuasion, and\nhave one way or other appeared in the front of those that oppressed him;\nand for the turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission and\ncommandment given him of God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought\na blessing for them, even with tears, the effects of which, they may,\nperadventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, friends,\nrelations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the faithful, and\nanswer them, even for them that vex them, as it happened in the case of\n_Job\u2019s_ praying for the three persons that had been grievous in their\nreproach against him, even in the day of his sorrow.\n\nBut yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of time,\nfor the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his labour and\nsuffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall read this book.\n\nAfter he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, and\nconverted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted a member\nthereof, _viz._, in the year 1655, and became speedily a very zealous\nprofessor; but upon the return of King _Charles_ to the crown in 1660, he\nwas the 12th of _November_ taken, as he was edifying some good people\nthat were got together to hear the word, and confined in _Bedford_ jail\nfor the space of six years, till the act of Indulgence to dissenters\nbeing allowed, he obtained his freedom, by the intercession of some in\ntrust and power, that took pity on his sufferings; but within six years\nafterwards he was again taken up, _viz._, in the year 1666, and was then\nconfined for six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his\nrigorous sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to _Joseph_,\nput all the care and trust in his hand: When he was taken this last time,\nhe was preaching on these words, viz.: _Dost thou believe the Son of\nGod_?  And this imprisonment continued six years, and when this was over,\nanother short affliction, which was an imprisonment of half a year, fell\nto his share.  During these confinements he wrote the following books,\nviz.: _Of Prayer by the Spirit_: _The Holy City\u2019s Resurrection_: _Grace\nAbounding_: _Pilgrim\u2019s Progress_, the first part.\n\nIn the last year of his twelve years\u2019 imprisonment, the pastor of the\ncongregation at _Bedford_ died, and he was chosen to that care of souls,\non the 12th of _December_ 1671.  And in this his charge, he often had\ndisputes with scholars that came to oppose him, as supposing him an\nignorant person, and though he argued plainly, and by Scripture, without\nphrases and logical expressions, yet he nonplussed one who came to oppose\nhim in his congregation, by demanding, Whether or no we had the true\ncopies of the original Scriptures; and another, when he was preaching,\naccused him of uncharitableness, for saying, _It was very hard for most\nto be saved_; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of his\ncongregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with the\nparable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13th chapter of\n_St Matthew_, in our Saviour\u2019s sermon out of a ship; all his methods\nbeing to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he found not warranted\nthere, himself would not warrant nor determine, unless in such cases as\nwere plain, wherein no doubts or scruples did arise.\n\nBut not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known that\nthis person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if he had\nmade it his study, above all other things, not to give occasion of\noffence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, to avoid being never\nheard to reproach or revile any, what injury soever he received, but\nrather to rebuke those that did; and as it was in his conversation, so it\nis manifested in those books he has caused to be published to the world;\nwhere like the archangel disputing with Satan about the body of _Moses_,\nas we find it in the epistle of _St Jude_, brings no railing accusation\n(but leaves the rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord.\n\nIn his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and\nexhortation; being in this like _Joshua_, as the good man expresses it,\nviz., _Whatsoever others did_, _as for me and my house_, _we will serve\nthe Lord_: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and endeavours, so\nthat his wife, as the Psalmist says, _was like a pleasant vine upon the\nwalls of his house_, _and his children like olive branches round his\ntable_; _for so shall it be with the man that fears the Lord_, and though\nby reason of the many losses he sustained by imprisonment and spoil, of\nhis chargeable sickness, etc., his earthly treasure swelled not to\nexcess; he always had sufficient to live decently and creditably, and\nwith that he had the greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as\nthe wise man says, _That is a continual feast_.\n\nBut where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, and\nthis happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding this world,\nas knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and had no tarrying\ncity, but looked for one made with hands eternal in the highest heavens:\nbut at length was worn out with sufferings, age, and often teaching, the\nday of his dissolution drew near, and death, that unlocks the prison of\nthe soul, to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion, put a stop to his\nacting his part on the stage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes,\nwhen it threatens war, being always so kind as to call home its\nambassadors before it be denounced, and even the last act or undertaking\nof his, was a labour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a\nyoung gentleman, a neighbour of Mr _Bunyan\u2019s_, happening into the\ndispleasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind upon that\naccount, and also for that he heard his father purposed to disinherit\nhim, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; he pitched upon Mr\n_Bunyan_ as a fit man to make way for his submission, and prepare his\nfather\u2019s mind to receive him; and he, as willing to do any good office,\nas it could be requested, as readily undertook it; and so riding to\n_Reading_ in _Berkshire_, he then there used such pressing arguments and\nreasons against anger and passion, as also for love and reconciliation,\nthat the father was mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning\nson.\n\nBut Mr _Bunyan_, after he had disposed all things to the best for\naccommodation, returning to _London_, and being overtaken with excessive\nrains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of a violent\nfever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, and expressed\nhimself as if he desired nothing more than to be dissolved, and be with\nChrist, in that case esteeming death as gain, and life only a tedious\ndelaying felicity expected; and finding his vital strength decay, having\nsettled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the\nviolence of his disease would permit, with a constant and christian\npatience, he resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful\nRedeemer, following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the New\n_Jerusalem_; his better part having been all along there, in holy\ncontemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and water\nof life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in his letters\nto several persons in prison, and out of prison, too many to be inserted\nat present.  He died at the house of one Mr _Struddock_, a grocer, at the\nStar on _Snow Hill_, in the parish of _St Sepulchre\u2019s_, _London_, on the\n12th of _August_ 1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, {241} after\nten days\u2019 sickness; and was buried in the new burying place near the\nArtillery Ground; where he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection, in\nhopes of a glorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy and\nhappiness; where no more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all\ntears be wiped away; when the just shall be incorporated as members of\nChrist their head, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever.\n\n\n\n\n_A brief Character of Mr_ JOHN BUNYAN\n\n\nHE appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but in his\nconversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or much discourse\nin company, unless some urgent occasion required it; observing never to\nboast of himself or his parts, but rather seem low in his own eyes, and\nsubmit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying and swearing,\nbeing just in all that lay in his power to his word, not seeming to\nrevenge injuries, loving to reconcile differences, and make friendship\nwith all; he had a sharp quick eye, accompanied with an excellent\ndiscerning of persons, being of good judgment and quick wit.  As for his\nperson, he was tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent,\nsomewhat of a ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his\nupper lip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his\nlatter days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not\ndeclining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead somewhat\nhigh, and his habit always plain and modest.  And thus have we\nimpartially described the internal and external parts of a person, whose\ndeath hath been much regretted; a person who had tried the smiles and\nfrowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity;\nalways holding the golden mean.\n\n    In him at once did three great worthies shine,\n    Historian, poet, and a choice divine:\n    Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,\n    Until the resurrection of the just.\n\n\n\n\nPOSTSCRIPT\n\n\nIN this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of which,\nnamed _Mary_, was blind, and died some years before; his other children\nwere _Thomas_, _Joseph_, and _Sarah_; his wife _Elizabeth_ having lived\nto see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from this life to\nreceive the reward of his work, long survived him not; but in 1692 she\ndied, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to the other,\nwhither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which consist of sixty\nbooks, remain for the edifying of the reader, and praise of the author.\n\n                                                                   _Vale_.\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n                                  FINIS\n\n                                * * * * *\n\n\n\n\nFOOTNOTES\n\n\n{7}  The marginal summaries have not been included in this Project\nGutenberg eText.\u2014DP.\n\n{184}  The text from which he intended to preach was, _Doth thou believe\non the Son of God_?  Jn. ix. 35.  See Preface to his _Confession of\nFaith_.\n\n{187a}  Justice Wingate.\n\n{187b}  _Ibid._\n\n{191a}  A right Judas.\n\n{191b}  Bunyan.\n\n{210}  The Venner insurrection is here referred to.\n\n{214}  Bunyan here refers to a translation of Wickliffe\u2019s doctrine in\nJohn Foxe\u2019s _Martyrology_, a favourite book of his.\n\n{219}  April 23, 1661.\n\n{224}  \u2018Smayed,\u2019 an obsolete contraction of \u2018dismayed,\u2019\n\n{241}  It is an established fact that John Bunyan died on Friday, August\n31, 1688.  He is recorded to have preached his last sermon on August 19.","title":"Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners","tradition":"scripture-revelation","translated_text":null,"word_count":58347}