{"collection":"myth-cosmogony","full_text_available":true,"graph_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/api/page/gutenberg_74708/graph","html_url":"https://unchartedknowledge.5gfusion.net/v2/page/gutenberg_74708","id":"gutenberg_74708","license":"Public Domain (US)","rights_basis":"gutenberg_metadata_copyright_false","source":"gutenberg","source_url":"https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/74708","summary":null,"tags":["Category: German Literature","Category: Humour","Category: Mythology, Legends & Folklore","German wit and humor"],"text":"[Illustration: GOETHE]\n\n\n\n\n                                  GERMAN\n                              WIT AND HUMOR\n\n                              [Illustration]\n\n                    _A COLLECTION FROM FAMOUS SOURCES\n                             CLASSIFIED UNDER\n                      APPROPRIATE SUBJECT HEADINGS_\n\n                              [Illustration]\n\n                               PHILADELPHIA\n                          GEORGE W. JACOBS & CO\n                                PUBLISHERS\n\n                           Copyright, 1903, by\n                        GEORGE W. JACOBS & COMPANY\n                        _Published, August, 1903_\n\n\n\n\n_Contents_\n\n\n  CHAP.                                                               PAGE\n\n     I. HUMOR OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY                                   5\n\n    II. HUMOR OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY                                10\n\n   III. FOR GUNNERS                                                     22\n\n    IV. FOR DOCTORS                                                     37\n\n     V. FOR LAWYERS                                                     57\n\n    VI. A CHAPTER FOR COMPOSERS AND MUSIC LOVERS                        74\n\n   VII. FOR AND ABOUT TRAVELERS, TOURISTS, AND SUMMER BOARDERS         102\n\n  VIII. ON CYCLING                                                     117\n\n    IX. AUTHORS, SCIENTISTS, ARTISTS, AND OTHER CELEBRITIES            120\n\n     X. ON THE STAGE AND OFF                                           154\n\n    XI. THE GERMAN SOLDIER                                             162\n\n   XII. CROWNED HEADS AND SOME OF THEIR FAMOUS STATESMEN AND GENERALS  180\n\n  XIII. STUDENTS IN THE FATHERLAND                                     234\n\n   XIV. WOMEN AND CHILDREN                                             246\n\n    XV. MISCELLANEOUS                                                  269\n\n\n\n\nGerman Wit and Humor\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER I\n\n_Humor of the Sixteenth Century_\n\n\nThe Fool\u2019s Lesson\n\nWhen Eulenspiegel came to Magdeburg\u2014the fame of his notorious pranks\nhaving preceded him\u2014several of the best citizens asked him to give\nthem a sample of his buffoonery. He said he would do so, and promised\nto fly from the roof of a house on the market place. The news spread\nrapidly, and old and young hurried there to see him fly. For some time\nEulenspiegel stood on the low roof, moving his arms and acting as if he\nwere going to fly, then he burst out laughing and cried: \u201cI thought I was\nthe only fool in the world, but I see that here are almost a whole city\nfull of them. If you had told me that you were going to fly, I should not\nhave believed you; and yet you believed me, a well-known fool. How should\nI be able to fly? I am neither a goose nor any other kind of a bird. I\nhave no wings, and without wings and feathers nobody can fly. Now you\nsee, I told you a falsehood.\u201d\n\nHe turned and left the roof, while the crowd separated, some laughing,\nsome swearing, but all agreeing, that though he was a fool, he had told\nthem the truth.\n\n\nThe Wisdom of a Fool\n\n\u201cA fool may sometimes be a better judge than a wise man,\u201d writes Johannes\nAndrea of a fool. Once a beggar entered the kitchen of a tavern. A large\npiece of meat was roasting on the spit, and the poor man took his bread\nfrom his pocket and held it over the roast, so the odor would penetrate\nit, then he ate it. When all his bread was gone he turned to leave, but\nthe host went after him and demanded his pay. The poor man said, \u201cYou did\nnot give me either meat or drink; so what should I pay you for?\u201d\n\nThe host replied, \u201cYou feasted on what was mine, on the odor of the\nroast, and you shall pay me for that.\u201d\n\nThey went to court about it, but judgment was suspended, until next\ncourt-day. Now one of the judges had a fool at home, and at dinner this\ncase was talked about. Said the fool: \u201cPay the host with the jingle of\nthe money, as the poor man feasted on the odor of the roast.\u201d\n\nWhen court-day came around the fool\u2019s advice was followed.\n\n\nA Good Shot\n\nA man passing through a forest, saw an old blind bear. A young bear,\nwhose tail was in the old bear\u2019s mouth, led him. The man took his gun and\nshot the young bear\u2019s tail off. Then he took hold of it and led the blind\nbear for two miles to market at Stuttgart.\n\n\nThe One-legged Crane\n\nA knight invited his father-confessor to dinner. The holy father arrived\nwhile the knight was still at church, and being hungry went to the\nkitchen where all kinds of meat were roasting. He said to the cook: \u201cThe\nroasts are now at their best; give me a leg from this crane and then I\u2019ll\nwait for dinner.\u201d But the cook replied: \u201cI cannot do that; my master\nwould send me away if I brought the bird, mutilated like that, to the\ntable. Take it yourself, then he cannot blame me.\u201d\n\nThe confessor took a knife and cut the leg off, had the cook give him\nbread and wine, and sat down to enjoy it. At dinner the crane was served\nlying on his wounded side. The knight asked at once in an angry tone:\n\u201cWhere is the other leg?\u201d His confessor, who sat next to him, whispered\nto him to keep quiet before his guests, that after dinner he would prove\nto him that the bird had only had one leg.\n\nAs soon as dinner was over, the knight asked his confessor to take a walk\nwith him. They went outside the town. On the way the knight said: \u201cYou\ninsisted that the bird had only one leg; how is that?\u201d \u201cI will show you,\u201d\nreturned the confessor, and took him to a meadow where between thirty and\nforty cranes were standing, all, as usual, on one leg. Pointing to them\nhe said: \u201cLook, all those birds have only one leg.\u201d The knight clapped\nhis hands and chased them. The cranes grew frightened, stretched their\nnecks, put down their feet, and ran. Said the knight to the confessor:\n\u201cHow now? You see that they have two legs?\u201d Says the confessor: \u201cDear\nsir, if you had clapped your hands like this at the table, the other leg\nwould have put in an appearance too.\u201d\n\n\nJustice Obscured by a Pig\n\nThere was a poor widow, who had a case at court. She brought to the judge\na little pot of sour cream; he was to protect her cause. He bade her hope\nfor the best and said that she had a good case, and need not worry. She\nwas glad.\n\nThen came the opponent. He was rich, and brought the judge a young pig.\nWhen the case came up, the woman lost her suit. She went to the judge and\nsaid: \u201cSir, where is my little pot of cream?\u201d He answered: \u201cThe little\npig knocked it over.\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER II\n\n_Humor of the Seventeenth Century_\n\n\nThe Farmer\u2019s Belief\n\nA farmer went to confession and the priest asked him if he knew anything\nabout the Trinity. The good man knew nothing about it. The priest did\nhis best to explain it to him and at last said: \u201cMy good friend, to make\nit still plainer to you, imagine yourself God the Father, respect your\nson as if he were the Son of God, and take your wife to be the Holy\nGhost. Now remember, you three are as one. You are one household and live\ntogether; that makes a trinity.\u201d With this the good man went home.\n\nA year later, he came again to confess. The priest asked him at once\nwhether he believed now in a trinity. \u201cNo,\u201d said the farmer, \u201cI only\nbelieve in the first two, the Father and the Son, in those two I believe\nfirmly. In the Holy Ghost I don\u2019t believe at all; for everything that the\nFather and the Son gain by hard, heavy labor, the Holy Ghost squanders\nand spends.\u201d The priest had to give up trying to enlighten the good\nfarmer. He absolved him and let him depart.\n\n\nThe Monk\u2019s Trick\n\nA nobleman was walking across the country with a barefooted monk. They\ncame to a brook and found the bridge had disappeared. The nobleman asked\nthe monk, as he was without shoes, to carry him across. The monk did so,\nbut when they were in the middle of the brook he asked the nobleman if he\nhad any money with him. He answered: \u201cYes.\u201d\u2014\u201cOh,\u201d said the monk, \u201cwe are\nforbidden to carry money,\u201d and dropped the nobleman into the brook.\n\n\nA Brief Sermon\n\nA priest who had not studied much, came into the pulpit and said: \u201cI will\nbriefly speak of three things to-day. The first I know, and you do not.\nThe second you know, and I do not. The third none of us knows. That my\ntrousers are torn, I know. Whether you are going to give me a new pair,\nyou know. Our sexton had a fresh barrel of beer put in; but whether that\nbeer is good, none of us knows; so come along and let us taste it.\u201d\n\n\nA Bright Reply\n\nThree young noblemen were riding by a field in which a farmer was working\namong his cabbages. They rode up to him, and one said: \u201cMy good man, what\nwill you give us, if we prove to you that you are a cabbage?\u201d The farmer\nanswered: \u201cNothing, for I can do those tricks as well as you. Now I can\nprove to you, that your saddles are mules.\u201d At this the young sparks\nshouted with laughter and said: \u201cWell, tell us all about it.\u201d The farmer\nanswered: \u201cWhy, all my life, I have known that anything between a horse\nand an ass has been called a mule.\u201d\n\n\nA Large Recipe\n\nA good but stupid countryman stopped with his farm wagon before a\ndrug-store in the town, and began to unload a big, heavy door. The\ndruggist, much surprised, said: \u201cWhat do you want with that here? The\ncarpenter lives over there.\u201d Said the farmer: \u201cIt is all right. My wife\nis ill, the doctor has been to see her and wrote the prescription with\nchalk on this door, as we had no pen and ink. Now, sir, please make it\nup. I am in a great hurry.\u201d\n\n\nA Trapful\n\n\u201cOnce I caught in my trap a wild duck, a fox, and a nine pound carp.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow did it happen?\u201d\n\n\u201cNear the pond, a fox saw a duck; he sneaked up to catch her. Springing\nat her, he caught her by the wing, but the duck managed to get into the\nwater. The fox holding on to her wing followed her; but a big carp swam\nup behind and bit him in his leg. The fox closes his claws so tight on\nthe carp that it cannot get away again. Now the trap was close by, and\nthe duck fluttered into it. The fox not willing to lose her, follows in\nand pulls the carp after him.\u201d\n\n\nHis Turn\n\nA woman whose little child would not go to sleep at night, wakened her\nhusband, to take his turn for a while in nursing it, as it was as much\nhis part as hers. \u201cYou are right,\u201d said the husband, turning on his other\nside, \u201cyou rock your part, I\u2019ll let mine scream.\u201d\n\n\nA Sympathetic Parson\n\nA parson preached in Holy week so touchingly about the Lord\u2019s suffering,\nthat the whole congregation began to sob. Then the minister, who was\na very tender-hearted man and did not like to see anybody weep, said:\n\u201cMy dear friends, be comforted; it all happened so long ago, who knows\nwhether it is true.\u201d\n\n\nDelayed Justice\n\nOnce a farmer complained to his minister, that his landlord persecuted\nhim most shamefully. The parson comforted the farmer saying: \u201cThe pitcher\ngoes to the well until it breaks; and if he does not get his just\npunishment in this world he will surely suffer all the more in the next.\u201d\nAnswered the farmer: \u201cYes, but if the rascal repents on his deathbed,\nwhat then?\u201d\n\n\nLuck\n\nThe minister, in the scripture lesson at school, had been explaining\nthe miracles, and finally asked a boy: \u201cJacob, your father is a roofer.\nWhat would you call it, if you came home, and heard that your father had\nfallen from the roof of the church tower, without breaking his neck?\u201d\n\n\u201cLuck.\u201d\n\n\u201cSo, luck? But if you came home a second time and heard the same thing?\u201d\n\n\u201cAn accident.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut the third time?\u201d\n\n\u201cA lie, sir.\u201d\n\n\nSomewhat Mixed\n\nAn amiable host had to send late at night for a carriage to take home his\nfour friends, who had taken too much of his wine. He gave the driver the\nstreet and house number of each one, and went to bed. He was in his first\nsleep when his door-bell was rung violently.\n\n\u201cWhat is the matter?\u201d he called from his window, seeing that the carriage\nwith his guests had returned.\n\n\u201cOh, sir,\u201d cries the driver, \u201cplease sort them out once more for me; they\ngot all mixed up!\u201d\n\n\nThe Wrong Man\n\nA monk, a farmer, and a barber met on a journey. At night they went into\na tavern, but when it was time to go to sleep the barber said: \u201cListen,\nfriends, to me; this place looks suspicious. I hope they won\u2019t rob us in\nthe night.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes,\u201d assented the monk, \u201cI don\u2019t feel easy about it either; but what\ncan we do? We can\u2019t sit here all night, we are all three dog-tired.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, I know what we can do,\u201d answered the barber. \u201cOne of us must watch\nwhile the others sleep. We will draw lots who shall be first, second, and\nthird watch.\u201d\n\nThe monk and the farmer agreed to this. Lots were drawn, and the barber\nwas to watch first, the farmer second, and the monk last. The barber kept\nwatch faithfully, and after he had done everything to keep awake he took\nfrom his bundle his scissors and other tools and soaped the farmer\u2019s head\nand then shaved it as bald as the monk\u2019s. When his time was up he shook\nthe farmer and called: \u201cGet up, man, it is your turn now!\u201d\n\nThe farmer awoke, but when, still stupid with sleep, he put his hand to\nhis head and found no hair, he grew angry and cried: \u201cWhat a fool that\nbarber is; he was to waken me, and he has wakened the monk instead.\u201d\n\n\nThe Rogue\u2019s Coat\n\nA hypocrite came into a shop where clothes were sold, and asked for a\ncoat. Different kinds were shown to him, but none pleased him. \u201cI need\none that is black on one side and white on the other, but of the same\nmaterial on both sides.\u201d\n\n\u201cStrange,\u201d said the merchant; \u201cby your face I judge you to be an honest\nman, and yet you ask\u2014how shall I express it?\u2014well, frankly, for a rogue\u2019s\ncoat.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut, my goodness!\u201d replied the buyer, smilingly, \u201cdon\u2019t you know at\nall in what kind of a world we are living? You can\u2019t get along with one\ncoat. The pulpit demands one kind, the court-house another, the caf\u00e9\nanother, the office another, the platform another, the assembly another,\nthe bedroom another. If you meet ten people within five minutes it is\npossible that you will have to turn your coat ten times.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat may be,\u201d murmured the merchant, a simple, honest German, \u201cbut if\nthe devil gets you in a black coat, what good will a white one do you?\u201d\n\n\nHis Wiser Half\n\nA man had loaned to another fifty gulden, but having a poor memory he had\nforgotten who had borrowed it. He was much worried about it and told his\nwife. She was clever, as all women are, and told him what to do. \u201cGo,\nto-morrow morning early, through the town,\u201d said she, \u201cand whenever a\nfriend or acquaintance bids you good day, answer, \u2018Thank you, but I would\nrather have ready money.\u2019\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019ll do it,\u201d said he man, and went out early next morning. Everybody\ntook his answer for fun, until he met his debtor.\n\n\u201cThis is an insult,\u201d said he. \u201cI don\u2019t care to owe anything to anybody\nwho reminds me of it in such a rude way,\u201d and gave the money back at\nonce.\n\n\nAdventures of Baron von Munchhausen\n\n\u201cWhen at last my parents gave their consent to my traveling, my uncle\ntook me on a trip to Ceylon. Our vessel arrived there after a stormy\nvoyage of six weeks. About two weeks after our arrival the Governor\u2019s son\nasked me to go hunting with him. I accepted the invitation. Now my friend\nwas a big, strong man, used to the heat, but I, unused to it, soon grew\ntired and lagged behind.\n\n\u201cI was just going to sit down by the shore of a raging river, when I\nheard a noise behind me on the road. I looked back and saw an immense\nlion coming towards me, who plainly indicated that he meant to make his\nbreakfast off me, without waiting even to ask my permission. My gun was\nloaded only with shot. I had no time to think, and in my confusion I\ndetermined to fire at the beast in the hope of frightening him away. But\nin my anxiety I did not wait until the lion came within the range of my\ngun. The noise made him furious, and he came at me with a rush. More from\ninstinct than sober reflection, I turned to run, but\u2014even now it makes me\nshudder to think of it\u2014a few feet from me stood a horrible crocodile,\nwith mouth wide open, ready to swallow me.\n\n\u201cJust imagine, gentlemen, the frightful position I was in! Behind me the\nlion, before me the crocodile, to my left a raging river, to my right\nan abyss, in whose depths, as I afterwards learned, the most poisonous\nsnakes abounded. Almost fainting I dropped to the ground. In a few\nmoments I heard a loud, strange noise. When at last I dared to raise my\nhead to look around, what do you think had happened? The immense force\nwith which the lion jumped, the moment I dropped to the ground, had\ncarried him over and beyond me, straight into the crocodile\u2019s open mouth.\nThe head of the one stuck in the throat of the other, and they fought\nwith all their might to get away from each other. I sprang up just in\ntime, drew my hunting knife and, with one stroke, severed the lion\u2019s\nhead, the body falling at my feet. Then I took my gun and rammed the head\ndown further into the crocodile\u2019s throat, choking him to death.\n\n\u201cSoon after I had gained this great victory over two terrible foes, my\nfriend returned to see what had become of me. After congratulations we\nmeasured the crocodile and found his length to be forty feet, seven\ninches.\n\n\u201cAs soon as we had told this extraordinary adventure to the Governor, he\nsent several men with a wagon to fetch the two animals to his house.\n\n\u201cFrom the lion\u2019s skin I had a furrier make tobacco pouches, some of which\nI presented to my friends. The crocodile was stuffed and mounted, and is\nnow one of the greatest curiosities of the museum at Amsterdam.\u201d\n\n\nMunchhausen\u2019s Partridges\n\n\u201cOne day I went into the woods to try a new gun, and had used up all my\nammunition when a covey of partridges rose from almost under my feet.\nThe desire to have a few of them on my dinner table that night gave me a\nbright idea. As soon as I saw where the birds lit, I loaded my gun, but\ninstead of shot I put in the ramrod, which I had pointed at the upper end\nas well as I could in a hurry. Then I went towards the birds, pulled the\ntrigger as they flushed, and had the pleasure of seeing seven spitted on\nmy ramrod. As I tell you, gentlemen, there is nothing like being able to\nhelp oneself.\u201d\n\n\nMunchhausen\u2019s Black Fox\n\n\u201cAnother time, in a forest in Russia, I came across a magnificent black\nfox. Shooting him would never do, as it would spoil his beautiful fur.\nNow, Mr. Fox stood close to a tree. Instantly I took the bullet from my\ngun and put in its place a large nail, fired, and hit him so skilfully\nthat his tail was nailed to the tree. I went quietly up to him, took my\nhunting-knife, made a cross cut over his face, took my whip and beat him\nout of his beautiful fur so nicely that it was a joy and a real wonder to\nsee.\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER III\n\n_For Gunners_\n\n\nAn Enthusiastic Nimrod\n\nThe night before the opening of the partridge season, a gunner and his\ndog were crouching under some bushes. The time was five minutes to\ntwelve. The dog was getting restless.\n\n\u201cHold on, Feldman\u2014only five minutes more\u2014and then we can go for them!\u201d\n\n\nPleasure of Tiger Hunting\n\nA gentleman who had spent some time in India and had been on several\ntiger hunts, was asked whether he found it pleasant sport. \u201cOh,\u201d he\nreplied, \u201cit is very pleasant sport as long as you are chasing the tiger,\nbut should he happen to chase you, it has its drawbacks.\u201d\n\n\nA Staff as a Firearm\n\nA poor Jew was tramping through a forest. Suddenly a wolf came running\ntowards him. Dreadfully frightened the Jew raised his staff, but\nfortunately at the same moment, a hunter who was lurking behind some\nbushes, shot at the wolf and killed him. \u201cGod\u2019s blessing,\u201d cried the\nJew, who did not see the gunner, but had heard the shot: \u201cI have carried\nthis staff for twenty years, and never knew that it was loaded!\u201d\n\n\nA Master Shot\n\n\u201cSomething remarkable happened to me yesterday. I went gunning and saw\ntwo rabbits, about twenty-five feet apart, taking a nap in the grass. Now\nwhat to do to get them, I hardly knew. Quickly I pulled the two barrels\nof my gun apart, drew the trigger and both rabbits were mine.\u201d\n\n\nRecognized\n\nA, relating his first gunning adventure:\u2014\u201cWhat do you think of this,\ngentlemen! Some time ago, while I was on the lookout for game, along\ncomes a rabbit and sits down not far from me. I shoot, but the rabbit\ndoes not move. I shoot again, but still the rabbit does not budge. Now\nmy patience is at an end. I run towards him, and when I get close enough\nto knock him down, up rises my rabbit and is off. Now how do you explain\nthis, gentlemen?\u201d\n\nOld Gunner:\u2014\u201cWell, that rabbit read you all right. He thought: As long as\nhe only shoots, there is no danger; but when he comes himself, then it\u2019s\ntime to skip.\u201d\n\n\nNever at a Loss\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cYou always insisted that your old gun did not shoot straight,\nbut now that you have a new one, you don\u2019t seem to hit anything, either.\u201d\n\nSunday Gunner:\u2014\u201cYes, but now the rabbits don\u2019t run straight.\u201d\n\n\nA Malicious Proposition\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cI should just like to know whether that dark speck over there is\na driver or a deer.\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cWe can soon find out. You just shoot at it; if you hit it, it\nis a driver; if you don\u2019t, it\u2019s certain that it is a deer.\u201d\n\n\nHe Wanted Witnesses\n\nGunner (who has shot a rabbit at last):\u2014\u201cOh, for some witnesses to this!\u201d\n\n\nEnlightened Him\n\nBaron (to his neighbor at a pheasant hunt):\u2014\u201cDid you not notice; I hit\nthat pheasant\u2014the feathers flew!\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cYes, I saw it\u2014so did the pheasant.\u201d\n\n\nThe Stolen Deer\n\nPoacher:\u2014\u201cYour Reverence, I have a beautiful deer for sale.\u201d\n\nHis Reverence:\u2014\u201cA deer? What? Did you say a deer, Seppel? How long is it\nsince I reasoned with you and tried to make you understand what a bad\nfellow you are! Did I not tell you that if you shoot a deer, you commit\na great crime and that such a deer is as good as stolen? My, but I am\nangry! Seppel, take that deer right to the kitchen, I don\u2019t want to see\nany more of it.\u201d\n\n\nA Poor Excuse\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cNow I have caught you\u2014what are you doing here with that gun?\u201d\n\nPoacher:\u2014\u201cOh, my! Herr F\u00f6rster, I am so down on my luck, that I thought\nI\u2019d just go into the woods and shoot\u2014myself.\u201d\n\n\nA Gunner\u2019s Memory\n\nA:\u2014\u201cHave you heard the news? The Oberf\u00f6rster shot four deer yesterday!\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cHe told me he got two.\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cIs that possible? Why, I spoke to him only about five minutes ago, at\nthe Golden Star Inn.\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cOh, that explains it. I spoke to him half an hour ago.\u201d\n\n\nImproving Opportunities\n\nClerk (to his principal):\u2014\u201cCan I have this afternoon off, sir,\u2014an old\naunt of mine is to be buried?\u201d\n\nPrincipal:\u2014\u201cVery well, but the next time you bury an aunt, you might\nbring me a couple of rabbits.\u201d\n\n\nA Gunning Yarn\n\nA gentleman just returned from Brazil, boasted of the many gorillas he\nhad killed there. \u201cThat must have been very difficult,\u201d remarked one of\nthe listeners.\n\n\u201cIt certainly was,\u201d said the narrator, \u201cbut I knew how to take advantage\nof the monkey\u2019s passion for imitating us.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow?\u201d\n\n\u201cIt was very simple. In places where I suspected the presence of\ngorillas, I loaded a pistol with a blind cartridge, turned it upon myself\nand fired; then I left a heavily loaded one on the ground and retired.\nReturning to the place later on, I invariably found the carcass of a\ngorilla, who had shot himself.\u201d\n\n\nA Sign of Recognition\n\nA good shot knows when he has missed; a poor one does not know when he\nhas hit.\n\n\nToo Small a Price\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cWould you believe that I shot ninety-nine rabbits within two\nhours?\u201d\n\nHost:\u2014\u201cWhy don\u2019t you say one hundred at once?\u201d\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cYou don\u2019t think I\u2019d make a liar of myself for just one rabbit?\u201d\n\n\nBanter\n\nLehman:\u2014\u201cGentlemen, I must tell you a pretty story of my friend Muller!\nRecently, while out gunning, he shot at a rabbit, but, of course,\nmissed him. Now instead of running away, the rabbit went up to friend\nMuller, bowed and said quite distinctly: \u2018Excuse me, sir, but I wish\nto congratulate you. You shot at me to-day for the twenty-fifth time,\nwithout hitting me!\u2019\u201d\n\nMuller:\u2014\u201cMy friend Lehman\u2019s story needs a supplement. You must know that\nI introduced myself to that rabbit. \u2018What,\u2019 cried the rabbit, very pale,\n\u2018your name is Muller! I thought it was Lehman!\u2019 and he is off like a\nflash.\u201d\n\n\nCautious\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cSepp, the squire is coming to-day. He is going to hunt.\u201d\n\nSepp:\u2014\u201cThen I had better go at once and lock up the dogs.\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cYes, and the calf too. The cow you might leave in the field.\u201d\n\nSepp:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t know about that.\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cWell, lock her up too; better be on the safe side.\u201d\n\n\nQueer\n\n\u201cWell this is killing! I shoot at a rabbit and hit a snipe!\u201d\n\n\nA Dog\u2019s Intelligence\n\nA gunner tells the following story of a dog\u2019s astonishing cleverness. The\ndog received every day from his master two pennies, to go to the baker\u2019s\nand get for himself some rolls to eat for breakfast. The master watching\nhim, noticed that for several days, he came home without his rolls. He\nfollowed him, and saw him come from a butcher\u2019s with a piece of sausage.\nFor five days the dog had saved his pennies until he had enough to buy\nthe piece of sausage.\n\n\nCaught Him\n\nAt a hunt a farmer saw a badger slip into a hole, and at once he put\nhis hand in to capture the animal. A hunter who was present, asked the\nfarmer: \u201cHave you caught him?\u201d The farmer, whose hand the badger was\nbiting hard, screamed: \u201cNo, but he has caught me!\u201d\n\n\nThoroughly Reformed\n\nWarden:\u2014\u201cNow, Killian, you are free once more. I hope you will let this\nterm in prison be a warning to you, to curb your passion for poaching.\nYou are a family man, and you ought to have more consideration for your\npoor wife and young children.\u201d\n\nKillian (moved to tears):\u2014\u201cOh yes, sir, I see you mean well by me. You\njust wait and see if I don\u2019t bring to you the first deer I can shoot!\u201d\n\n\nHe Remembered\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cSay, sonny, did you see a rabbit running this way?\u201d\n\nBoy:\u2014\u201cI did, sir!\u201d\n\nGunner:\u2014\u201cHow long ago?\u201d\n\nBoy:\u2014\u201c\u2019Bout three years ago last Christmas.\u201d\n\n\nGreat Consolation\n\nCount A\u2014\u2014 had lately returned from the South of Asia. Several of his\nfriends called on him to invite him to a hunt. \u201cGentlemen,\u201d he said,\nlanguidly, \u201cI am now so used to hunting tigers, that a hunt without\ndanger to life, has no attractions for me.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said one of the hunters, drily, \u201cdon\u2019t let that worry you; I shot\nat my brother-in-law yesterday, while we were out gunning!\u201d\n\n\nLogic\n\n(Two farmers going through a field.) A:\u2014\u201cWhat are you running all at once\nfor? You are not afraid of a rabbit?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cRabbit! Who cares for a rabbit! But where there is a rabbit, there is\na gunner not far off. I don\u2019t care to have him blaze away at me.\u201d\n\n\nOn a Bear Hunt\n\nAn old Oberf\u00f6rster told the following yarn:\u2014\u201cYou can never imagine,\ngentlemen, the number of bears there are in Russia, unless, like myself,\nyou have been there. Once a friend and myself made an excursion from\nPetersburg to the hunting-ground in Finland. We had not been on the\nlookout very long, when my friend whispered: \u2018There are two coming this\nway\u2014you can take the right one, I the left one.\u2019 A double shot, and both\nmonsters were rolling on the ground. At that instant several more bears\nappeared. Bang\u2014bang\u2014bang\u2014and they are all stretched on the ground, in\nless than a minute.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, but how did you get time to load your guns, sir?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, pshaw! In our excitement we never thought of that!\u201d\n\n\nA Very Remarkable Shot\n\nHerr von N. was a passionate lover of hunting, and though he seldom hit\nanything, he boasted the more. He was giving a large dinner-party, and,\nas usual on such occasions, had his man-servant standing behind his\nchair, so he could appeal to him, as a witness of his heroic deeds. \u201cNow,\ngentlemen, I must tell you of a very remarkable shot I made the other\nday. I shot a very large deer through the right hind leg and the right\near. What do you think of that?\u201d Everybody laughed.\n\n\u201cJohn, you were there,\u201d cried Herr von N., \u201cyou can testify to it.\u201d\n\n\u201cMost certainly,\u201d replied the servant, \u201cit is all perfectly true. The\ndeer\u2014if the gentlemen will forgive my mentioning it\u2014was scratching his\near at the very moment my master hit it.\u201d The laughter grew to a roar.\nJohn stooped over his master and whispered in his ear: \u201cWhen your Honor\ntells a story next, please don\u2019t have things so far apart or I might not\nbe able to put them together as well.\u201d\n\n\nA Kind Neighbor\n\n\u201cWill you permit me, friend, to shoot one of the ducks in this pond? I\u2019ll\ngive you two marks for it.\u201d\n\n\u201cCertainly, sir!\u201d\n\nThe gunner pays the money, kills the duck, and, encouraged by his luck,\nasks the farmer if he may have a second one, pays him two more marks and\nkills another duck.\n\n\u201cWould you allow me to shoot a third one?\u201d\n\n\u201cSure, shoot all you want to; the ducks don\u2019t belong to me, but to my\nneighbor.\u201d\n\n\nA Good Excuse\n\nFarmer (to another):\u2014\u201cI caught a rabbit yesterday. He won\u2019t get into my\ncabbage patch again!\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster (coming up behind):\u2014\u201cSo, that\u2019s right; and pray what did you do\nwith that rabbit, you rascal?\u201d\n\nFarmer:\u2014\u201cWell, well, what should I have done with him! Look here, sir; I\njust took the beast, belabored his fur well with my stick and carried him\ninto the next field. He won\u2019t come back here!\u201d\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t doubt it at all!\u201d\n\n\nKilled One\n\nF\u00f6rster:\u2014\u201cWell, Doctor, what did you shoot?\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cOh, ah\u2014I\u2014killed one rabbit\u2014and\u2014wounded three.\u201d\n\n\nAge Limit\n\nCity Swell:\u2014\u201cWhat a magnificent animal a fully grown deer is! How old do\nthey get?\u201d\n\nGamekeeper:\u2014\u201cWell, you see, that depends on\u2014when they are shot!\u201d\n\n\nContradiction\n\nF\u00f6rster (to gunner):\u2014\u201cWhat did you shoot at?\u201d\n\n\u201cAt a doe, sir,\u2014but I missed her!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat, you shot at a doe? Haven\u2019t you any eyes in your head? You ought to\nbe ashamed of yourself (furiously) to shoot at a doe\u2014and then to miss her\nbesides!\u201d\n\n\nSomewhat Uncertain\n\nF\u00f6rster (to a gunner, who instead of rabbits, has killed several\ndogs):\u2014\u201cSay, when you are done with the dogs, tell us, so we can clear\nout in time!\u201d\n\n\nA Gentle Hint\n\nTeacher (to the F\u00f6rster\u2019s son):\u2014\u201cAre there many rabbits in your father\u2019s\ndistrict?\u201d\n\nPupil:\u2014\u201cOh yes, sir, lots!\u201d\n\nTeacher:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s queer; I never saw one.\u201d\n\n\nA True Sunday Gunner\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWell, aren\u2019t you coming yet?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cIt takes that fellow a long time to get his duds together!\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cYou haven\u2019t forgotten anything? You\u2019ve got the ham, the sausage, the\npheasant?\u201d\n\nC:\u2014\u201cYes, I have them; I haven\u2019t forgotten a thing.\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cThen let\u2019s be off!\u201d\n\nC (Pulling his mustache):\u2014\u201cGood gracious! I did forget something!\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWhat is it?\u201d\n\nC:\u2014\u201cI left my gun at home!\u201d\n\n\nA Good Excuse\n\nBaron von Rothschild has made it a strict rule that none of his guests\nare to take any of the game shot on his preserves away with them. Though\nhe knew this, a gentleman wished to take home to his wife, one of the\npheasants he had shot. He hung it up the chimney in his room, and in the\nevening hid it in his bag. Early the following morning Baron Rothschild\ncame into his guest\u2019s room to take leave of him and at the same time to\nsee whether his friend was going with his gunning bag empty. A setter had\nfollowed the Baron into the room, and as he smelled the bird at once, he\nhunted all over the room until he finally pulled the finest pheasant from\nthe guest\u2019s bag. \u201cYou see, Baron, knowing that you send to market all the\ngame that is killed here for you, I retained this pheasant to mark him\nand so be able to recognize him at the market stall. Farewell!\u201d\n\n\nConsolation\n\nA:\u2014\u201cI tell you, when I count what my license costs, what my board comes\nto, while on a gunning trip, what I ruin in clothes and boots, what my\nneglect of business amounts to, every rabbit I kill costs me about twenty\nmarks!\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cThen you may thank your stars that you hit so few.\u201d\n\n\nPutting a Stop to Gunners\u2019 Yarns\n\nCanon, the well-known painter, who died recently, was an enthusiastic\ngunner. Often during the gunning season he would join other friends of\nthe sport at the hotel, and experiences would be exchanged. Now Canon\nhated all extravagant, impossible yarns, and one evening when some\ngunners tried to outdo each other, his patience gave way. His strong\nvoice rose above the din, and everybody listened to the following story:\n\u201cMy setter dog,\u201d he began, \u201chas the finest sense of smell; a finer does\nnot exist. One day we were out partridge hunting, but had no luck;\nafter a three hours\u2019 tramp not a shot had been fired. Suddenly my dog\nstood still, and then began scratching at the root of a small bush. We\napproached cautiously. The dog kept on digging, and after he had made\nquite a hole, one of us went up and helped him. All of a sudden he\nbrought to me\u2014a new porcelain pipe with a partridge painted on it. I\nalways carry it with me as a souvenir.\u201d He put his hand in his pocket and\nlaid the pipe on the table. Shouts of laughter greeted it, but there were\nno more gunning yarns after that.\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER IV\n\n_For Doctors_\n\n\nDepends Upon Which He Strikes\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cGentlemen, I am going to begin my lecture to-day, with\nthe diseases of mankind. When a person is ill, nature and disease are\nfighting each other. The doctor comes and beats about with a club, so to\nspeak; if he strikes the disease, the person will recover; if he strikes\nnature, the patient dies.\u201d\n\n\nAt the Clinic\n\n\u201cYes, beloved hearers, every hour must find us prepared to die. Death is\ninevitable, yes almost sure!\u201d\n\n\nAbsent-Minded\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cGentlemen, I can inform you that during the past month, more\nboys than girls were born in our city; but as to the weddings celebrated\nduring the same period, the number of women who were married exceeds that\nof the men considerably.\u201d\n\n\nEntered In\n\n\u201cGentlemen, at the last lecture we studied the outer form and structure\nof the stomach; to-day we will enter into the stomach itself.\u201d\n\n\nAt an Operation\n\n\u201cPlease, gentlemen, put your knives away now, and take your fingers in\nyour hand.\u201d\n\n\nAt the Hospital\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWe have no patient here to-day who needs an operation, but as\nhis Highness, our patron, wishes to attend one, we will try one on this\nman here. He is a stranger in the city, so it will be all right.\u201d\n\n\nConsistency\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cDo you make experiments at your hospital?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cI should say so! We have, for instance, three divisions for\ninflammation of the lungs. In the first, the patients are not given\nanything; in the second, they are given tartar-emetic; in the third,\ntartar-emetic and they are also bled. In all three divisions deaths are\nabout even.\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t you think that many a patient of the first division could\nbe saved, by being bled?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t doubt it, but it can\u2019t be done. We must be firm, to\nreach the desired result.\u201d\n\n\nThe Ruling Passion\n\nMiser:\u2014\u201cIf, as you say, there is nothing more to be done for me, I should\nlike it better if you could fix it so that I shall be dead and buried by\nNew Year.\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWhat do you wish that for?\u201d\n\nMiser:\u2014\u201cBecause I could save a lot of money on New Year\u2019s presents.\u201d\n\n\nThe Medicine Chest\n\nA ship\u2019s doctor was in the habit of prescribing sea-water for most ills.\nOne day by an unlucky accident, he fell overboard. \u201cHello, Jack,\u201d called\none sailor to another, \u201cthe doctor fell into his medicine chest!\u201d\n\n\nDoctors Not Unlike Policemen\n\nThe prince of R. once said to Hufeland: \u201cYou are a famous physician. You\nknow the human body so well inside and out, that you ought to be able to\ncure all ills!\u201d\n\n\u201cIt is with doctors as with policemen,\u201d replied Hufeland. \u201cWe know the\nstreets well, but how the houses look on the inside, we can only guess\nat.\u201d\n\n\nBound to Succeed\n\n\u201cSay, surgeon,\u201d thundered the Colonel, \u201cseveral more soldiers have died\nand you don\u2019t even seem to know the cause of so many deaths!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, I shall get at the mystery,\u201d returned the surgeon, \u201cif it takes the\nwhole regiment.\u201d\n\n\nThe Co-laborers\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cWould you mind telling me, Doctor, how it is that you have so many\npatients?\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cThat is very simple. I have three fine agents, who work for\nme and bring me patients, without being paid for it; they are Poverty,\nIntemperance, and Imagination.\u201d\n\n\nNo Need of a Doctor\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWhile taking this cure, you must diet yourself strictly; avoid\nall fatty and acid foods; and leave beer and wine alone.\u201d\n\nPatient:\u2014\u201cHold on, Doctor; if I must do without all that, I\u2019ll get well\nwithout you. If you can\u2019t help me to be well, while I eat and drink what\nI like, I have no use for either yourself or your science!\u201d\n\n\nPractice Makes Perfect\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWell, you are coughing with less exertion to-day!\u201d\n\nPatient:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s not surprising, Doctor, since I practiced at it all\nnight.\u201d\n\n\nA Dyeing Patient\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cMy dear woman, your husband is in the greatest danger! His hands\nand arms are very red; he has scarlet fever in the worst form!\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cBut, Doctor, my husband is a dyer, and was using red this morning.\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cOh well, then I can perhaps save him yet!\u201d\n\n\nCuriosity\n\n\u201cYou see, Doctor, whenever I shake my head, my brain hurts dreadfully.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy do you shake your head, then?\u201d\n\n\u201cHow else can I find out that my brain hurts?\u201d\n\n\nThe Greater Risk\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWell, Moses, what has happened?\u201d\n\nMoses:\u2014\u201cWhat has happened? My wife drank coal-oil.\u201d\n\nMoses, Jr.:\u2014\u201cFather, mother is calling for you constantly; do go in to\nher, so she will get quiet!\u201d\n\nMoses:\u2014\u201cThe Lord have mercy! I should go to her? You go in first, Doctor.\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWhy shall I go in first?\u201d\n\nMoses:\u2014\u201cI have six children to support.\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWell, and\u2014\u2014?\u201d\n\nMoses:\u2014\u201cWell, and? you ask, Doctor, and yet you are a smart man. What if\nshe should explode the moment I was with her?\u201d\n\n\nLung Trouble\n\nCountryman:\u2014\u201cDoctor, will you please prescribe a little something for me.\nI think something is wrong with my lung.\u201d\n\nDoctor (after examining him):\u2014\u201cYou go quietly home, my man; as long as\nyou will live, your lung will hold out all right.\u201d\n\n\nHow He Got Home\n\nDr. Schneider was awakened at midnight by a stranger who asked him to\ncome to a patient at a little town two hours distant. \u201cIt is very\nurgent,\u201d added the messenger. The Doctor had his team brought around,\nand drove away with the stranger. Arrived at the town, the man jumped\nfrom the buggy, saying: \u201cI am very much obliged to you, Doctor. I was\ndead tired and did not know how to get home, so I thought of you and your\nteam. Now I shall be at home in a few minutes. I hope you will get home\nall right.\u201d\n\n\nOut of Joint\n\nAugusta:\u2014\u201cWell, Ricke, I tell you it is dreadful to be a servant in a\nDoctor\u2019s family? Just think, every morning his bones are scattered all\nover the room!\u201d\n\nRicke:\u2014\u201cGood gracious! Does the man take himself apart every evening?\u201d\n\n\nPatience\n\nMinister (at a sick bed):\u2014\u201cJust have patience, my good woman; all will be\nwell.\u201d\n\nOld country woman:\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s easy to talk, sir, but I should just like to\nknow what I have done. Lots of people die so easy, and it\u2019s killing me!\u201d\n\n\nDeath Loves a Shining Mark\n\n\u201cRebecca,\u201d said Reb Baruch, who was dangerously ill, to his wife, \u201cget\nyour most beautiful gown and dress yourself as for a wedding!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy? What for? What good would it do you?\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019ll tell you. If the angel of death should enter, and see you standing\nthere, looking so beautiful, he might like you better, and take you\ninstead of me!\u201d\n\n\nRheumatism or Gout\n\nA physician who was asked the difference between rheumatism and gout,\nanswered: \u201cIf you take a vise, put a finger between, and turn until you\ncan\u2019t stand it any longer, that\u2019s rheumatism; if you turn once more,\nthat\u2019s gout.\u201d\n\n\nHumor on the Deathbed\n\nWhen Frank, a famous Vienna physician was dying, eight of his colleagues\nsat around his bed, in consultation. All at once the dying man laughed\naloud and said: \u201cI was just thinking of that French grenadier, who, at\nthe battle of Wagram, fell after being struck by eight bullets, and\nwhose last words were: Sapristi, it takes eight bullets to kill a French\ngrenadier!\u201d\n\n\nVery Ill\n\nA hospital physician asked a sick old man, how he was.\n\n\u201cOh, dear Doctor,\u201d said the good old fellow, \u201cI feel so ill, that if some\none told me I was dead, I should not be surprised.\u201d\n\n\nPoor Schleiermacher\n\nThe famous preacher Schleiermacher had, during a severe illness,\nbeen under the care of the celebrated Dr. Gr\u00e4fe. After his recovery,\nSchleiermacher wrote to him and enclosed in his letter four\nFriedrichsd\u2019or\u2014about thirty-one dollars. Gr\u00e4fe sent the amount back with\nthis rude answer: \u201cWealthy people pay me what they like; the well-to-do\npay the regular fee; the poor pay nothing.\u201d Whereupon Schleiermacher\nwrote: \u201cSir! For the return of the four Friedrichsd\u2019or accept poor\nSchleiermacher\u2019s sincere thanks!\u201d\n\n\nWho Was Right\n\nThe celebrated Dr. Heim, who was known to be often slightly intoxicated,\nwas called while in that condition, into a family whose regular physician\nhe was.\n\nThe gentleman of the house, who was taken with an attack of acute\nindigestion, and was suffering intense pain, confessed that it might\nbe the result of having eaten too many raw oysters. \u201cGive him Chester\ncheese, and a good big portion of it,\u201d said Heim, and without another\nword, walked out.\n\nThe patient\u2019s family, who imagined that cheese was more indigestible than\noysters, shook their heads over their doctor\u2019s advice, and thinking that\nin his intoxicated condition he had made a big mistake, gave him rum\ninstead of the cheese. A few hours later the patient died.\n\nThe next morning Heim came to look after his patient. He was told that he\nhad died in the night.\n\n\u201cDidn\u2019t you give him the Chester cheese?\u201d asked Heim.\n\n\u201cNo, Doctor,\u2014we thought\u2014you were\u2014we gave him rum.\u201d\n\n\u201cSo,\u201d Heim cried furiously: \u201cyou thought, because I was drunk, you knew\nmore of medicine than I, and in that mad idea killed your patient. But I\nwant you to know, that even if I am drunk, I still know more of medicine,\nthan you do in all your sobriety. Now you send for two dozen oysters at\nonce, and I\u2019ll prove to you that even if I do drink a glass of wine, I\nknow very well what I am talking about.\u201d\n\nThe oysters were brought, and at Heim\u2019s order, were divided and placed\ninto two separate dishes. To those in one dish he put several slices of\nChester cheese; to the others he poured several glasses of rum. \u201cNow,\nthen,\u201d he said, \u201cyou let that stuff stand for a few hours and we\u2019ll see\nwho knew best!\u201d\n\nGrowling and scolding\u2014for Heim was as famous for his roughness as for his\nskill\u2014he went away. When he returned a few hours later and the dishes\nwere uncovered, it was found that the oysters mixed with cheese had\ndissolved into a foam-like substance, while those soaked in rum were in\nan unchanged condition.\n\n\u201cWell, who was right?\u201d asked Heim. The unhappy relatives were forced to\nlook upon themselves as the murderers of their beloved dead.\n\n\nA New Cure for Headache\n\nA lady patient, who often suffered from severe headaches, once asked\nHeim\u2019s pardon for trying a remedy which was said to be an infallible\ncure. She had been told when next the pain came on, to cover her head\nwith cabbage. \u201cVery good thing,\u201d said Heim, \u201cbut don\u2019t forget to put a\nsausage on top of it.\u201d\n\n\nStrange Effects of Alcohol\n\nOne evening Heim was called into a family where the infant daughter had\nbeen suddenly taken with spasms. Heim felt the baby\u2019s pulse, shook his\nhead, felt his own pulse, then the infant\u2019s again, and at last said:\n\u201cThe baby is drunk; her pulse is exactly the same as mine.\u201d That seemed\na queer diagnosis, but it was soon evident that old Heim was right as\nusual. There had been a celebration in the family that day, and the wet\nnurse had made use of the occasion to drink a bottle of wine on the sly.\n\n\nGood for Asses\n\nA lady of the aristocracy bothered old Heim dreadfully with questions\nas to what she could feed her baby on, to make it grow fat. One day she\nfollowed him to the house door. \u201cOne thing more, dear Doctor! What is\nasses\u2019 milk good for?\u201d\n\n\u201cFor young asses,\u201d replied Heim, and walked off.\n\n\nWanted a Return for Her Money\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cGood Frau, since there are two holy days coming, I am going to the\nhospital.\u201d\n\nMistress:\u2014\u201cWhy, Marie! are you ill?\u201d\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cNo, thank God; there is nothing the matter with me, but I have\npaid my sick benefit regularly for six years, and I should like to get\nsomething out of it.\u201d\n\n\nHis Reward\n\n\u201cYou are an awfully good-natured fellow, to give your man his medicine,\nyourself. Not many masters would do it.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you see, the medicine tastes so horrid, that it is great fun to\nsee the faces he makes, as I pour it down his throat.\u201d\n\n\nBetter Than Half a Nose\n\nWhile operating upon an old man, Professor Billroth, of Vienna, told the\nphysicians and students present the following amusing story: \u201cSome time\nago an old man came to me to consult me about the disease of his nose. He\nowned only half a one, and that was not worth much, so he thought I could\noperate upon it and give him a decent artificial one. I asked how old he\nwas. \u2018I am eighty years old,\u2019 he said.\n\n\u201c\u2018Do you think it necessary at that age to undergo an operation?\u2019 I asked\nof my patient.\n\n\u201c\u2018Professor,\u2019 says the old fellow, \u2018my father lived to be one hundred\nand twenty-five years old, and I don\u2019t see why I should walk around for\nforty-five years with only half a nose.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nKill or Cure\n\nThe wife of a farmer in Westphalia was seriously ill, and the doctor was\nsent for.\n\n\u201cI have a hundred thalers in this bag here, doctor,\u201d said the well-to-do\nfarmer, \u201cand whether you kill her or cure her, you shall have the money.\u201d\nThe patient died. A few months later, the doctor came to get the promised\nmoney.\n\n\u201cI am ready to keep my promise,\u201d said the farmer, \u201cbut first you will\nanswer me two questions: did you kill my wife?\u201d\n\n\u201cGod forbid!\u201d said the doctor. \u201cI certainly could not say yes, to that!\u201d\n\n\u201cSo much the better. Well, then, did you cure her?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo.\u201d\n\n\u201cThen I am sorry I can\u2019t give you the money. If you wish to bring suit\nfor it\u2014I can\u2019t prevent you.\u201d\n\nThe doctor took good care not to go to law about it.\n\n\nDr. Schweninger as a Statue\n\nA porter once took a friend from the country to show him around Munich,\nand among other places of interest they went to the University. The\ncountryman wanted to know what the figures on the front of the building\nmeant. The porter, to hide his ignorance, mentioned several great men\nof the time. Arrived at a scantily clad Greek philosopher, he says\nunblushingly: \u201cThat is Dr. Schweninger!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, Bismarck\u2019s family doctor! But why hasn\u2019t he a coat on?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you know, Seppel, since he cured the Chancellor, the people just\nfight over him, so it is no wonder he hasn\u2019t a coat left.\u201d\n\n\nAn Uncertain Bargain\n\nAt the clinic of the University of Kiel, appeared some time ago, a\nstalwart countryman about forty years of age, who asked Professor N. to\nbuy his skeleton. \u201cBut, my good man,\u201d said he, looking him all over, \u201cI\nam afraid we should have to wait a long time to come into possession of\nour own. What do you want the money for?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, sir, I wanted to emigrate to Australia with it,\u201d replied the\ncountryman.\n\n\nNatural Death\n\nA traveler asked the host of a country tavern why, being ill, he did not\nsend for a physician?\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d replied the sick man, \u201cthe people of this village don\u2019t think\nanything of doctors; we all like to die a natural death.\u201d\n\n\n\u201cGot You at Last\u201d\n\nA physician from Baden-Baden tells this story: \u201cIt was a clear cold\nnight\u2014after twelve o\u2019clock. I was returning from a visit in the country,\nand riding through the forests I heard the sounds of ax-strokes. There\nwas no doubt about what this meant. I was in good humor, so I tied my\nhorse to a tree, sneaked up close to the thieves, and watched their\ndoings for a while. As they were giving the last strokes which were\nto bring down a beautiful tree, I jumped from behind my hiding-place,\ncrying: \u2018Got you at last, you villains!\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Clear out\u2014it\u2019s the forester!\u2019 called a voice; and as quick as lightning\nthe whole company disappeared. One ax was left behind, and I took it as a\ntrophy and rode home. The whole affair passed so quickly that I could not\nsee distinctly any one of the trespassers.\n\n\u201cYears passed, when one afternoon as I entered a tavern in Baden-Baden,\nmy attention was drawn to a party playing cards. The game seemed to be\nlost to the man whose back was turned to me. Suddenly he cried out: \u2018Mine\nwith the bower, and thank you!\u2019 It was the same voice, that years ago,\nhad given the command: \u2018Clear out!\u2019\n\n\u201cA second game began. I stood behind my man looking at his cards. As he\ntook up a long-expected trump I called to him unexpectedly: \u2018Got you\nat last, you villain!\u2019 Slowly the player turned around to me and said:\n\u2018Where is my ax?\u2019\u201d\n\n\nDrinks What is Good\n\nDruggist (to a countryman):\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t recommend anything better than Dr.\nMuller\u2019s health-tea. That is good, and is sure to help you.\u201d\n\nCountryman:\u2014\u201cOh, if Dr. Muller makes it, let\u2019s have it. Dr. Muller\ndoesn\u2019t drink anything bad.\u201d\n\n\nPrecaution\n\nA patient is about to take gas to have a tooth pulled. While the dentist\nis making his preparations, the man counts his money. \u201cOh, leave that\nuntil afterwards,\u201d says the dentist, thinking his patient wants to pay\nhim in advance.\n\n\u201cWhy afterwards,\u201d cried he, \u201cif you are going to take my senses away, I\nwant to know beforehand, how much money I have in my pocketbook!\u201d\n\n\nReciprocity\n\nA well-known and popular actor came to a dentist to have a tooth pulled.\nWhen the operation was over he took out his purse. The dentist seeing\nthis, said: \u201cYou have given me pleasure so often, that I am pleased to be\nable to return the favor, so never mind the pay!\u201d\n\n\nSecrets of Medical Science\n\nAmong the effects of the famous Dr. Boerhave, was a well wrapped and\nsealed package, with this inscription: \u201cThe only and deepest secrets of\nmedical science.\u201d When his library was sold this package brought 20,000\nmarks. On breaking the seals, the purchaser found nothing but a few empty\nleaves, on the first one of which was written in large letters, Keep your\nhead cool, your bowels open, your feet warm, and you can laugh at all\ndoctors.\n\n\nA Pointed Answer\n\nDr. M. whose bruskness was well known throughout Silesia, was going by\ncoach one day from Breslau to Liegnitz. In the waiting-room were several\ngentlemen waiting for the same coach. One of them came up to the doctor.\n\n\u201cAre you Dr. M.?\u201d he asked.\n\n\u201cAt your service,\u201d was the answer.\n\n\u201cI am glad to hear it. Since you know everything, you could possibly\nanswer a question.\u201d\n\n\u201cPerhaps so; let me hear what it is.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you see my mustache is already gray, while the hair on my head is\nstill black; what is the cause of it?\u201d\n\nWithout a moment\u2019s reflection the doctor replied: \u201cThe cause is simply\nthis, that you have always used your mouth more than your head.\u201d\n\n\nHow He Took the Pills\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWhy, the boy is perfectly well again. I knew my pills would cure\nhim. How did you take them, son? In sugar water?\u201d\n\nBoy:\u2014\u201cNo, sir; in the popgun. I shot sparrows with them.\u201d\n\n\nHad Them in His Head\n\n\u201cCan you name the bones of the skull?\u201d asked a professor of a student.\n\n\u201cI have them all in my head,\u201d was the answer, \u201cbut I can\u2019t think of the\nnames just now.\u201d\n\n\nToo Much Mustard\n\nDoctor (to an emaciated patient):\u2014\u201cNow you want one mustard plaster on\nyour chest and one on your back.\u201d\n\nPatient:\u2014\u201cIsn\u2019t that rather too much mustard for so little meat, doctor?\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER V\n\n_For Lawyers_\n\n\nFame and Wealth\n\nThe lawyer becomes famous through his cleverness, popular through his\nastuteness, but fat and wealthy through the foolishness of his fellow-men.\n\n\nRewarded Industry\n\n\u201cIt is terrible how slow Secretary Meier works!\u201d exclaimed the President;\n\u201cthere he is behind again with a big stack of papers! What shall we do\nwith them?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, there is Muller, a prompt, industrious clerk, he is never behind!\nLet\u2019s give them to him,\u201d said the Director.\n\n\nSecret and Public\n\n\u201cWhat is the difference between a secret and a public session of the town\ncouncil?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhen there is a secret session, one knows the result an hour later; the\nresult of a public session, one reads in next day\u2019s paper.\u201d\n\n\nEvidence of Dishonesty\n\nDetective:\u2014\u201cYour suspicion of your cashier has not been confirmed; you\nmay be sure of his honesty. He makes no show whatever, lives, to be sure,\ndecently...!\u201d\n\nDirector (interrupting him):\u2014\u201cYes, but ... that\u2019s just it; with the\nsalary I give him, it\u2019s impossible to live decently!\u201d\n\n\nOf Course\n\nJudge (to accused\u2019s wife):\u2014\u201cWere you with your husband when he broke into\nthe young ladies\u2019 boarding-school?\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cOf course; would _your_ wife permit you to break into a young\nladies\u2019 school by yourself?\u201d\n\n\nAn Honest Lawyer\n\n\u201cBut, Doctor, I must win that lawsuit; the contract is as clear as\ndaylight!\u201d\n\n\u201cSo it is\u2014but let me tell you, when it comes to a lawsuit, clearness is a\nthing of the past.\u201d\n\n\nOut of Business\n\n\u201cWhat, are you back from Africa already?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, I had settled there as sheriff, but there was nothing to levy upon\nbut now and then a nose-ring ... and then I generally had a suit brought\nagainst me for levying on an indispensable article of dress.\u201d\n\n\nShort Work\n\n\u201cWhat,\u201d said the disgusted lawyer to a countryman, \u201cdidn\u2019t I have you\nthrown out just now because you were too fresh, and here you are back\nagain!\u201d\n\n\u201cDoctor,\u201d returns he, \u201cplease be good, and undertake my defense; I see\nyou are the only lawyer who makes short work!\u201d\n\n\nQuestion and Answer\n\nLady (at a lawyer\u2019s who is a friend):\u2014\u201cA question does not cost anything?\u201d\n\nLawyer:\u2014\u201cNo, but the answer does.\u201d\n\n\nAt Examination\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cCandidate, what belongs to a last will and testament?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cA death and a fortune.\u201d\n\n\nSuggestive Question\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cCandidate, what in law do we call one who assists another in\ncommitting a crime\u2014who for instance, makes him a key, with which to open\nthe door?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cThat is a locksmith.\u201d\n\n\nFinal Farewell\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cCandidate, what does the term _dos_ mean?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201c_Dos_\u2014_dos_\u2014I am sorry I can\u2019t think of it this minute.\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cImagine you were engaged to be married. On your wedding day\nyour father-in-law says, \u2018I shall give my daughter 50,000 thaler.\u2019 What\nwould that be?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cThat would be great good luck for me.\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cI fully agree with you. Now translate for me this mandate\nfrom the Codex. Read the introduction.\u201d\n\nCandidate (reads):\u2014\u201c_Sancimus hac lege in perpetuum valitura_\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cStop! Translate these words.\u201d\n\nCandidate (translates):\u2014\u201cRead this\u2014and then farewell forever!\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cGood, very good! I also will say to you: Farewell forever!\u201d\n\n\nSaving in Vain\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWell, candidate, which seems to you the better, that the\npresent generation should save for the future generation, or that they\nshould leave debts behind?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cI believe it would be better to leave debts behind.\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhy; what are your reasons?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cWe can\u2019t be expected to save for a generation, of which we\ndo not even know whether it will exist. If the judgment day should come\nunexpectedly, we would have saved for nothing.\u201d\n\n\nNo Criminal\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhat is a crime?\u201d\n\nCandidate (stuttering):\u2014\u201cA crime is\u2014is, when some one\u2014does\u2014something!\u201d\n\nProfessor (laughing):\u2014\u201cThen candidate, you are certainly no criminal.\u201d\n\n\nA Modern Solomon\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cI will put a law case before you: Mother and daughter slept\nwith their two little boys, in the same room. As the children were\ndressed exactly alike, the nurses changed them, so nobody could tell\nwhich was the mother\u2019s and which the daughter\u2019s child. How would you\ndecide the case?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cAre you sure that the children were exchanged?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cDidn\u2019t I tell you so just now?\u201d\n\nCandidate:\u2014\u201cVery well, then you simply exchange the children again.\u201d\n\n\nDirect or Indirect\n\n\u201cIs the dog tax a direct or an indirect tax?\u201d\n\n\u201cAn indirect one.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy?\u201d\n\n\u201cBecause it is not collected directly from the dog.\u201d\n\n\nMortgages\n\n\u201cCandidate, what do you know about mortgages?\u201d\n\n\u201cNothing at all; so far, I have always been able to borrow without one.\u201d\n\n\nHer Age\n\n\u201cYou are thirty years old?\u201d asked a magistrate of a lady whose deposition\nhe was taking down.\n\n\u201cNo, twenty,\u201d she answered.\n\n\u201cBut I was born in the same year you were.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, well,\u201d said the lady, snappishly, \u201cyou probably lived faster than\nI!\u201d\n\n\nIt Makes a Difference\n\n\u201cWhat is the matter with this woman?\u201d\n\n\u201cShe fell on the slippery sidewalk, because there was no sand put on it.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhere was it? I\u2019ll put the landlord\u2019s name down at once!\u201d\n\n\u201cIt was before the town hall, policeman.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, before the town hall! you should have been more careful, my good\nwoman!\u201d\n\n\nDon\u2019t Go\n\nProfessor (complaining):\u2014\u201cFor the past two weeks a student has occupied\nthe room below mine. The impudent fellow plays the piano and sings every\nblessed night, \u2018Come down, oh Madonna Theresa!\u2019 What can I do about it?\u201d\n\nPolice Sergeant:\u2014\u201cIs your name Theresa?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cNo.\u201d\n\nPolice Sergeant:\u2014\u201cWell then you need not take any notice of it.\u201d\n\n\nAn Acquired Interest\n\n\u201cHow did you manage to have your attorney take such an interest in your\nlawsuit?\u201d\n\n\u201cI borrowed a hundred dollars from him. If I lose my lawsuit he will lose\nhis money.\u201d\n\n\nFatal\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cWell, Doctor, what do you think of your patient\u2019s wounds?\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cTwo of them are fatal, without a doubt; but if the patient is\nkept quiet, it is probable that the third one will be healed in a couple\nof months.\u201d\n\n\nA Great Temptation\n\n\u201cHow did you break into that house?\u201d\n\n\u201cYour Honor, it was two o\u2019clock in the morning; no night watchman in\nsight; an open window in front of me\u2014why, you yourself would have gone\nin!\u201d\n\n\nMisplaced Pathos\n\n\u201cGentlemen of the Jury! When the pear is ripe, it falls from the tree!\nThis pear (pointing towards the accused) grew ripe, fell from the tree,\nand here it sits\u2014in the dock!\u201d\n\n\nBefore the Court\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cSo the accused stole a _salam_, (choice sausage)\u2014where is it?\u201d\n\nConstable:\u2014\u201cHere, your Honor, is the _corpus delicati_.\u201d\n\n\nCurious to Hear\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cYou wish your trial postponed, prisoner, because your counsel has\nbeen taken ill; but since you were caught red-handed and have confessed\nthe theft, I don\u2019t see what your counsel could say in your favor.\u201d\n\nPrisoner:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s just what I am curious to hear, your Honor!\u201d\n\n\nAmong Ourselves\n\nPresiding Judge (addressing the crowd in the courtroom):\u2014\u201cI warn you that\nif there are any more disturbances, I\u2019ll have the court cleared!\u201d\n\nPrisoner:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019ll be much better, your Honor; then we\u2019ll be among\nourselves!\u201d\n\n\nWished to Confess\n\n\u201cIf it pleases the court,\u201d said a prisoner, who so far had stoutly denied\nhis guilt, during the poor defense his counsel made, \u201cmake him shut up;\nI\u2019d rather confess.\u201d\n\n\nA Fatal Cold\n\nGovernor (to a prisoner while inspecting the penitentiary):\u2014\u201cWhat brought\nyou here?\u201d\n\nPrisoner:\u2014\u201cMy cold.\u201d\n\nGovernor:\u2014\u201cWhat? Your cold?\u201d\n\nPrisoner:\u2014\u201cYes, sir; I had a bad cold when I broke into that house, and\nhad to sneeze; it awoke the gentleman; he caught me, and so I was brought\nhere.\u201d\n\n\nDoing the Honors\n\nWarden (to the prisoners):\u2014\u201cHis Honor is going to visit the jail this\nafternoon! Prepare yourselves for it!\u201d\n\nRogue (to a fellow prisoner):\u2014\u201cHans, you do the honors!\u201d\n\n\nNeeded His Tools\n\nWarden:\u2014\u201cHere is the money that is due you. I hope you will now find an\nhonorable way of making a living.\u201d\n\nPrisoner:\u2014\u201cCertainly, sir, you may depend on it.\u201d\n\nWarden:\u2014\u201cWell, we shall see; you may go now! Why are you hesitating? Do\nyou wish to say anything?\u201d\n\nPrisoner (whose burglar kit had been taken from him when he was\narrested):\u2014\u201cMight I ask your Honor for my tools?\u201d\n\n\nMalicious\n\nAttorney (to the manager of a theatre on seeing the empty house):\u2014\u201cWhy,\nmy dear sir, is the public excluded to-day?\u201d\n\n\nTaken Aback\n\nAttorney:\u2014\u201cI assure you, charming Fr\u00e4ulein, we lawyers advance very\nslowly. One is always waiting for the other\u2019s death. Look, for instance,\nat that old judge over there. From year to year we have been waiting for\nthe old codger to go off and make room for\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nLady (interrupting him):\u2014\u201cSir, that gentleman\u2014is my father!\u201d\n\n\nForce of Habit\n\nA lawyer was speaking at the grave of a colleague. No eye had remained\ndry, until, putting down a wreath, the orator closed with great pathos,\nsaying: \u201cRest in peace, dear friend ... and you, gentlemen of the jury,\npreserve ever a pleasant memory of the accused!\u201d\n\n\nAt the Mercy of the Court\n\nWaiter:\u2014\u201cWhat do you wish me to order for your dinner, sir?\u201d\n\nAttorney (pointing to the kitchen):\u2014\u201cI leave that to the mercy of the\ncourt!\u201d\n\n\nHis First Attempt\n\n\u201cTo-morrow I am going to hand my first attempt at a drama to the manager\nof our theatre.\u201d\n\n\u201cFriend, as a lawyer, you ought to know that even an attempt at crime is\npunishable.\u201d\n\n\nDifference of Statement\n\n\u201cIs it true that you said the man Meier here, had stolen your pocketbook?\u201d\n\n\u201cI didn\u2019t say that, Squire; I only stated, that if Meier had not helped\nme to look for it, I should have found it again.\u201d\n\n\nOn Time\n\nClerk of the Court (to countryman):\u2014\u201cWhat do you want here so early?\nThere is nobody here yet, but myself! Before eight o\u2019clock no business is\naccepted. Don\u2019t you see that it is still two whole minutes of eight? In\ntwo minutes you will find me in!\u201d\n\n\nDoubtful Presents\n\nRogue:\u2014\u201cDoctor, you got me free. I must show my gratitude. Take this\nwatch.\u201d\n\nCounsel:\u2014\u201cNo, no; you are a poor devil. Where did you get the watch?\u201d\n\nRogue:\u2014\u201cWhy, it\u2019s the one I stole.\u201d\n\n\nUnstable Evidence\n\nDetective (looking for evidence at the spot where a murder had been\ncommitted):\u2014\u201cThe footprint in this anthill is of the utmost importance.\nIt might\u2014most probably it will\u2014lead to the discovery of the murderer.\nConstable, hurry back to town at once, bring a bag and a shovel, and\nshovel this highly important footprint into it. We will take it back with\nus!\u201d\n\n\nWilling to Show Him\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cIt is utterly incomprehensible to me how you could kill the man\nwith one blow of your bare fist!\u201d\n\nAccused:\u2014\u201cShall I show you how I did it?\u201d\n\n\nHe Understood\n\nMagistrate:\u2014\u201cYou complain that your neighbor struck you during a quarrel?\u201d\n\nWasherwoman:\u2014\u201cYes, your Honor, he struck me several times with his cane\non\u2014on\u2014\u201d\n\nMagistrate:\u2014\u201cNever mind; sit down on the missing word.\u201d\n\n\nImportance of Being Precise\n\nSquire:\u2014\u201cYou are a carpenter, are you not?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, sir.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou were working near the place where the row occurred?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, sir.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow far away were you?\u201d\n\n\u201cThirty-six and a half feet.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow can you tell so exact?\u201d\n\n\u201c\u2019Cause I measured it. I thought right away, some fool from court would\nask me about it.\u201d\n\n\nObjected to Income Tax\n\nMagistrate:\u2014\u201cYou are accused of loafing; why don\u2019t you work?\u201d\n\nLoafer:\u2014\u201cBecause then I would have to pay an income tax.\u201d\n\n\nA Witness Against His Will\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cConstable, bring in the next witness!\u201d (Constable beckons to a\nman by the door to step up.)\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cWhat is your name?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cPeter Lerch.\u201d\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cHow old are you?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t think that\u2019s necessary to tell.\u201d\n\nJudge (severely):\u2014\u201cWill you tell me at once, how old you are?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cThirty-three years.\u201d\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cAre you a Lutheran or a Catholic?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cBut, your Honor\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nJudge (interrupting him):\u2014\u201cIf you dare to interrupt me again\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nPeter (quickly):\u2014\u201cI\u2019m a Lutheran.\u201d\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cAre you related to the accused or in their service?\u201d\n\nPeter (indignant):\u2014\u201cI? to those? Rather not! What is your Honor thinking\nof?\u201d (Laughter in the courtroom.)\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cRefrain from all improper remarks! Raise your hand and take the\noath.\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cOh, but really your Honor, that\u2019s too much.\u201d\n\nJudge (rises and cries furiously):\u2014\u201cI\u2019ll have you arrested, if you dare\nto contradict again. Raise your hand and repeat the oath after me.\u201d\n(Peter does it meekly.)\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cAnd now what have you to say?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cThe Colonel sends his regards, and asks you to come to dinner\nto-night at eight o\u2019clock. The deer he shot yesterday has arrived.\u201d\n\nJudge:\u2014\u201cWhat on earth\u2014\u2014 Aren\u2019t you a witness?\u201d\n\nPeter:\u2014\u201cNo, your Honor; I\u2019m the Colonel\u2019s orderly. Not finding you at\nhome I came here; and when I asked for you, the Constable showed me in\nhere.\u201d\n\n\nA Pointed Suggestion\n\nA celebrated lawyer was pleading a case before a famous judge, and made\nsuch daring assertions that he roused the latter into saying: \u201cWell, if\nthis is law, I\u2019m going home to burn all my books.\u201d\n\n\u201cIt seems to me,\u201d replied the lawyer quietly, \u201cit would be better if your\nHonor went home to read them.\u201d\n\n\nOn His Side\n\nA lawyer once asked a minister, \u201cIf the clergy and the devil had a\nlawsuit together, who would win?\u201d\n\n\u201cThe devil,\u201d was the quick answer, \u201cfor he has all the lawyers on his\nside.\u201d\n\n\nA Legal Tilt\n\nTwo lawyers, one as tall as a giant, the other as small as a dwarf, were\ngetting so excited over a case on hand, that the giant said to the other:\n\u201cWho are you? Why, I could put you in my pocket.\u201d\n\nThe other replied quietly: \u201cThen there would be more law in your pocket\nthan there is in your head.\u201d\n\n\nFinally\n\nCounsel (closing his speech):\u2014\u201cAnd finally, gentlemen of the jury, I\nwould have you remember the golden rule: \u2018Do unto others, as you wish\nothers to do unto you,\u2019 or would you like to lie in a prison cell, for\nyears?\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER VI\n\n_A Chapter for Composers and Music Lovers_\n\n\nMusic is a greater revelation than all science and philosophy!\u2014L. VAN\nBEETHOVEN.\n\n\nMozart\u2019s Affection\n\nMozart loved his parents tenderly. When quite a little fellow, he\ncomposed a song, which he sang with his father every night before going\nto bed, while standing on a chair where his father had to put him. This\nceremony over, he would kiss them and retire in peace and contentment.\nThis nightly performance he kept up until he reached his tenth year.\n\n\nMozart Before the Emperor\n\nWhen Mozart was six years old, his father took him to the palace, to play\nbefore Emperor Francis I. Taking him to the piano the Emperor started to\nturn the leaves for him, when the boy said: \u201cNo, you let Wagenseil (the\nleader of the orchestra) do that, he knows how.\u201d\n\n\nA Rapid Composer\n\nThe evening before the first performance of \u201cDon Juan\u201d at Prag, Mozart\ntold his wife that he intended to write the overture during the night,\nand asked her to make a punch for him and stay with him, to keep him\nawake. But exertion and sleepiness made the work so hard, that his wife\nbegged him to rest on the sofa, promising to waken him in an hour. He\nslept so soundly that she let him sleep two hours. It was five o\u2019clock\nwhen she wakened him. At seven the copyist was to come. Mozart worked now\nso rapidly, that in two hours the overture was finished.\n\n\nCriticised the Emperor\n\nOne day Mozart and his wife were walking in the Augarten near Vienna.\nHis wife was telling him about her dog\u2019s devotion, and said: \u201cYou just\npretend to strike me and see how he will jump at you!\u201d Just as Mozart\nplayfully struck his wife on the shoulder, the Emperor stepped from his\nsummer-house.\n\n\u201cWell, well,\u201d said he; \u201cjust three weeks married, and fighting already!\u201d\n\nMozart explained, and the Emperor laughing, asked:\n\n\u201cDo you remember the anecdote of Wagenseil? and how, when I played the\nviolin, you called from among my audience, sometimes \u2018Pshaw! that was\nwrong!\u2019 sometimes, \u2018bravo!\u2019\u201d\n\n\nMozart\u2019s Generosity\n\nMozart was very generous. An old and honest piano repairer had put some\nnew strings on his beloved instrument.\n\n\u201cWhat do I owe you, old friend?\u201d asked Mozart. \u201cI am going away to-morrow\nand wish to pay you now!\u201d\n\nThe old man, who always grew dreadfully embarrassed if any one spoke to\nhim, stammered:\n\n\u201cTo be sure\u2014your Honor\u2014I have been here\u2014several\u2014times I beg\u2014a thaler.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat, a man like you, come to me for one thaler?\u201d With that he put\nseveral ducats into the old man\u2019s hand and fled.\n\n\nGeorge Friedrich H\u00e4ndel\n\nFor a number of years after H\u00e4ndel settled in London he was financially\nvery unlucky. His operas did not take, and when his friends complained\nthat the house was so empty, he would comfort them by saying:\n\n\u201cThat does not matter at all, the music will sound so much the better!\u201d\n\n\nReading at Sight\n\nOn a trip to Ireland, H\u00e4ndel was detained for a few days at Chester. As\nhe wished to try some of the choruses that he intended to bring out in\nIreland, he asked the organist of the Cathedral, Backer, whether he had\nany singers in his choir who could sing by sight. Backer named some of\nhis best singers, among them a printer, Janson, who sang bass very well.\nH\u00e4ndel appointed the time for a private rehearsal at his hotel; but poor\nJanson, after repeated trials, made so many mistakes in the chorus of\nThe Messiah, \u201cAnd through his wounds\u201d that H\u00e4ndel grew furious and after\nswearing at him in four or five languages, cried in broken English: \u201cYou\nvillain, you, didn\u2019t you say you could read by sight?\u201d\n\n\u201cSo I can, sir,\u201d replied Janson, \u201conly not the very first time!\u201d\n\n\nAbout as Well as the Cook\n\nWhen Gluck came to England the first time, in 1745, H\u00e4ndel was asked what\nhe thought of him. His answer, preceded by an oath was:\n\n\u201cHe knows and understands counterpoint about as well as my cook!\u201d\n\n\nHome Again\n\nOne evening while H\u00e4ndel was at Dublin, a certain Mr. Dubourg was to sing\na solo to an aria, with a cadence _ad libitum_. For some time he strayed\nabout in different keys, but at last he commenced the trill with which\nthe cadence closed and H\u00e4ndel cried loud enough for the whole house to\nhear, to the great amusement of the audience: \u201cWelcome home, Mr. Dubourg!\u201d\n\n\nToo Particular\n\nIn 1749, H\u00e4ndel had such poor success with his oratorio \u201cTheodora\u201d that\nhe was pleased when some musicians, who did not play in it, accepted\ntickets. Later on some of these gentlemen begged permission to hear The\nMessiah, but H\u00e4ndel said: \u201cOh, I am your humble servant, gentlemen; you\nare too infernally particular! You did not care to hear Theodora, when\nthere was room enough to dance, now there is none left for you!\u201d\n\n\nThe Villain\n\nH\u00e4ndel was holding the last rehearsal of his incomparable and difficult\n\u201cTe Deum Laudamus\u201d to be rendered at the celebration of the Peace of\nUtrecht. Before starting, he cried, full of enthusiasm: \u201cGentlemen!\nWhoever makes a mistake to-day, is a villain!\u201d\n\nThe sublime composition, the excellent rendition, carried him away to\nsuch an extent, that at the end of a phrase, forgetting everything\naround him, he stood like one inspired, and when spoken to, shivered and\nwas unable to control his emotion. With the last note, he cried, tears\nstreaming down his face: \u201cGentlemen, I am the villain!\u201d\n\n\nF. Joseph Haydn\n\nWhile Haydn lived in Ungarn (Hungary) gunning and fishing were his\nfavorite recreations. He never forgot that he once killed three pheasants\nat one shot, which afterwards graced the dinner table of the Empress,\nMaria Theresa.\n\n\nHaydn\u2019s Strategy\n\nIn 1770, Haydn was very ill with a malignant fever, and during his\nconvalescence his physician strictly forbade his doing any work or\ntouching the piano. Soon after, Haydn\u2019s wife went to church, but before\ngoing impressed on the maid the necessity of watching her master closely\nso that he could not get at the piano. Haydn pretended not to have heard\na word of this order, but his wife had hardly left the house, when he\nsent the maid on an errand. He hurried to the piano, and at the first\ntouch the whole idea of a sonata came to him. The first part was finished\nwhile his wife was at church. When he heard her returning, he quickly\nwent back to bed and finished it there.\n\n\nThese Brought Contentment\n\nHaydn owned a case filled with snuff-boxes, watches, rings, medals, and\nother presents from all the crowned heads of Austria, Russia, Prussia,\nSpain, France, and Naples. He said: \u201cWhen life seems sometimes hard to\nbear, I look at all these things, and feel content and pleased to have\nbeen honored by all Europe.\u201d\n\n\nHaydn and the Ship-Captain\n\nOne day a ship-captain came to Haydn\u2019s room. \u201cAre you Haydn?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, sir; what can I do for you?\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019ll give you thirty guineas if you compose a march for my ship\u2019s\nband; but it must be done to-day, for to-morrow morning we set sail for\nCalcutta.\u201d\n\nHaydn promised to have it ready early the following morning; went to the\npiano as soon as the captain had left him, and was soon done with it. It\nseemed to the composer that he had earned his money too easily, so during\nthe evening he composed two more marches, to give the captain his choice\nor make him a present of the other two. It was barely daylight when the\ncaptain appeared.\n\n\u201cCaptain, the march is finished.\u201d\n\n\u201cVery good, play it for me!\u201d\n\nHaydn played.\n\nThe Englishman put the thirty guineas on the piano, and without saying\nanother word took up his march and walked to the door. Haydn followed him\nsaying: \u201cI composed two more, which I think are better. Let me play them\nfor you and take your choice.\u201d\n\n\u201cThe first march pleases me, so that ends it!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut listen to the others, perhaps\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, that is impossible!\u201d\n\nThe captain hurried down the stairs, Haydn ran after him saying: \u201cSir,\nI\u2019ll make you a present of them. You paid me very generously. Do take\nthem!\u201d\n\nThe captain hurried still more saying: \u201cIt is impossible. I don\u2019t want\nthem!\u201d\n\n\u201cDo let me play them for you!\u201d\n\n\u201cNot for a thousand devils,\u201d cried the captain, who had reached the\nstreet by this time, and disappeared quickly. Haydn went at once to learn\nboth the captain\u2019s and his ship\u2019s name, and having succeeded, packed\nup both marches and, with a note, sent them to the musical salt. He,\nhowever, returned the package without opening the note, and Haydn was so\nfurious about it that he tore it to shreds, marches and all.\n\n\nHad No Use for Haydn\u2019s Music\n\nAnother time, while Haydn was sauntering about the streets, he stepped\ninto a music store and asked if they had a selection of good music.\n\n\u201cAs much as you wish,\u201d said the proprietor. \u201cHere are some excellent\nthings of Haydn\u2019s!\u201d\n\n\u201cHave no use for them,\u201d said Haydn, curtly.\n\n\u201cWhat, you have no use for it? For Haydn\u2019s music! What fault have you to\nfind with it?\u201d\n\n\u201cQuite enough! At any rate, I don\u2019t want any of it. Show me some other\ncompositions!\u201d\n\nThe merchant, a devoted admirer of Haydn\u2019s, said, indignantly: \u201cIt is\nnot necessary, though I have plenty of excellent music, I have none for\nyou!\u201d and turned his back on the composer. At the same moment a gentleman\nentered who knew Haydn, and spoke to him. The merchant coming up to them\nsaid to the Englishman: \u201cWhat do you think! This old gentleman here has\nno use for Haydn\u2019s music!\u201d Great was his embarrassment when the gentleman\nexplained.\n\n\nHaydn\u2019s Kindness\n\nThe following story proves what a noble, generous man Haydn was. In 1780\nthe daughter of an army officer from Coburg wrote to him of a little\nadventure, asking him to set it to music. This is the story: She and\nher intended husband, a captain of the army, together with a friend and\na poodle were taking a walk. The captain had been praising his dog\u2019s\ntalents, and made a bet with his friend that the dog would find a thaler\nlaid under a bush now, he being sent back for it after their return home.\nThe bet was accepted. Directly after returning home the captain sent his\ndog back for the money.\n\nNow it so happened that a traveling tailor sat down to rest under that\nvery bush where the thaler was deposited, found the money and put it in\nhis pocket. When the poodle arrived he smelled the coin and fawned upon\nthe tailor. The man, highly pleased at having found a thaler and such an\namiable dog within an hour, took him to his stopping place in the town.\nThe poodle watched the tailor\u2019s clothes all night, and when, early the\nnext morning, the door of the room was opened, he stole out, carrying the\ntailor\u2019s trousers with him and brought both them and the thaler to his\nmaster.\n\nThis little adventure had been put into verse under the title: \u201cThe\nCunning and Serviceable Poodle,\u201d and Haydn was asked now to put the text\nto music. The lady added that she was poor, but having heard so much\nof his generosity, she hoped the enclosed ducat would be considered\nsufficient pay.\n\nHaydn went to work at it at once, but returned the ducat to the young\nlady in a letter, saying that as a punishment for not knowing him better,\nand sending any money at all, she should knit him a pair of garters.\nThese garters, made of white silk with a hand-painted wreath of violets,\nHaydn kept with his jewels in his treasure box.\n\n\nFranz Schubert\n\nFor years Schubert could not find a publisher for even his most famous\ncompositions, such as the \u201cErlkoenig,\u201d for instance. In 1823 some friends\nand patrons published, at their own expense, the first twelve books of\nsongs\u2014the same books that afterwards were to be found all over the world\nand brought him thousands.\n\n\nSchubert\u2019s Facility\n\nSchubert composed his songs with amazing facility. He composed his\ncharming \u201cSerenade\u201d on the window sill of a country tavern in less than\nan hour. He was there on an excursion with a party of gay friends, who\nwere clamoring for something new. As soon as he had finished, they sang\nit to the delight of all who were fortunate enough to be within hearing\ndistance.\n\n\nOrpheus and His Followers\n\nSeveral young wags were making fun of a musician, and said, among other\nthings, that he played like Orpheus.\n\n\u201cVery true,\u201d said the musician, \u201cI, too, seem to have a following of\nbeasts.\u201d\n\n\nCarpenter and Weber\n\nSome time ago I asked B, my carpenter, why he was so downhearted.\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said he, \u201cyou know, sir, that my son Franz was to have been a\ncarpenter. He showed a good deal of talent for it, but now it\u2019s all over.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow so?\u201d I asked.\n\n\u201cIt happened this way: We went to hear an opera the other night, and\nsuch music as we heard! The angels in heaven could not sing any better,\nand that music they said was made by one Weber. And now my boy won\u2019t be\nanything else but just such a Weber\u201d (Weaver).\n\n\nSinging by Sight\n\nTo the manager of the opera at K. came one day a young girl to be\nexamined for a position in the chorus. After she had sung a scale, he\nasked her among other questions if she could sing by sight, to which she\nreplied: \u201cOh yes, if I know it by heart.\u201d\n\n\u201cAre you at all musical?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh no; I am Catholic!\u201d\n\n\nShoes Versus Music\n\nThe younger Pixis was to play at Hanover a concert of Mozart\u2019s. His\nfather kept him hard at practicing, but he seemed listless and paid very\nlittle attention to his playing. The elder Pixis, very anxious that all\nhis sons should succeed, chided him and said: \u201cThere is still time for\nyou to learn something else. If you do not care to make a virtuoso of\nyourself, you might make a cobbler.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, what loss would that be,\u201d replied the little fellow. \u201cAnybody can\ndo without music, but not without shoes!\u201d\n\n\nThey Knew Nothing\n\nOne time it occurred to a village organist, that by having some new\nchurch music, he might not only glorify a coming festival, but cover\nhimself also with glory before his congregation. Telemann, the well-known\ncomposer of sacred music, who lived in the near-by city of Gotha, should\ncompose it, and his colleagues from the surrounding villages with their\nchoirs, should help in the rendition of it. So to Telemann the ambitious\norganist betook himself, and explained his errand. Now the composer\nknew him and his _confr\u00e8res_ as miserable bunglers, and made all sorts\nof excuses, but the organist was persistent and would not be refused.\nTelemann, partly angry, partly amused, asked at last what the text for\nthe cantata was to be. That the organist said he would leave to Telemann\nto choose, a Bible text or something equally appropriate would do. The\ncomposer finally consented, and asked him to arrange for the rehearsal,\nto which he promised to come himself and bring some friends.\n\nThe morning of the festival brought Telemann and his friends. The scores\nwere distributed. For the text the composer had chosen the line: \u201cWe know\nnothing against the Lord!\u201d and had put it into a fugue.\n\n\u201cNow,\u201d whispered Telemann to his friends, \u201clisten to those fellows\nconfessing their sins!\u201d The rehearsal began, and from all throats came,\nlike a tremendous wailing, \u201cWe\u2014we\u2014we know nothing\u2014nothing\u2014nothing\u2014we\nknow nothing\u2014know nothing\u2014no\u201d\u2014until at last, the whole company having\nshouted away for dear life\u2014without suspecting anything wrong\u2014was awakened\nfrom their dream, by shouts of laughter from Telemann and his friends.\nThen there was general consternation, the poor organist stood completely\ncrushed. \u201cTo be sure, this does not sound very well, gentlemen,\u201d said\nTelemann, and to comfort the crestfallen organist he drew from his pocket\nanother small cantata, which he and his friends rendered at the church.\n\n\nA Lucrative Position\n\nGoldmark, the composer of \u201cThe Queen of Saba,\u201d while traveling one day,\nfound himself in a railway _coup\u00e9_ with a strange lady. A conversation\nwas soon started, and the composer introduced himself with these words:\n\u201cI am Goldmark, the composer of The Queen of Saba.\u201d\n\n\u201cAh,\u201d replied the lady, who was not much versed in musical or theatrical\nmatters, \u201cthat must be a very lucrative position.\u201d\n\n\nLudwig van Beethoven\n\nBeethoven\u2019s parents had him instructed in music at a very early age. When\nhe was only eight years old he played the violin so well as to astonish\nall his hearers. In the little room under the roof, where he practiced,\nhe noticed one day a very large spider, leaving her web and coming close\nto him to listen. By and by she grew so tame, that she came and sat first\non his desk, then on the artist, and finally made herself at home on\nthe arm which held the bow. Her interest spurred on the boy to do his\nbest, and helped not a little in his progress. One day, his aunt, who\nfilled his mother\u2019s place, came into the little room, bringing a friend\nwho wished to hear the boy play. As he began, the spider came from her\ncorner and settled upon his arm. The aunt seeing the insect, pounced upon\nher, and crushed her under her foot. Beethoven, horror-stricken at his\ncomrade\u2019s fate, fell fainting to the floor.\n\n\nHe Beat the Emperor\n\nOnce while at court, Beethoven forgot himself so far as to beat the time\non the back of Emperor Francis. The monarch was not the least angry, and\noften said smilingly, that one of his subjects had beaten him, without\nbeing punished for it.\n\n\nBrains Versus an Estate\n\nBeethoven\u2019s younger brother had, by extreme economy, saved enough to\npurchase a country estate. One time he sent to his famous brother, just\nto anger him, a New Year\u2019s card with: \u201cJohann van Beethoven, possessor\nof a country estate;\u201d to which polite action, he received the answer:\n\u201cLudwig van Beethoven, possessor of brains.\u201d\n\n\nForgot to Eat\n\nBeethoven dined now and then at an inn on the flour-market at Vienna. One\nday he came at half past two, and sat down in his lonely corner, without\ngreeting any of the guests present, a courtesy he had never before\nomitted. The waiter who knew him, brought him a bottle of the ordinary\ntable wine which Beethoven usually drank, and put the menu before him.\n\nThe great composer broke his roll, pulled a notebook from his pocket,\nleaned his head on his hand and remained in this attitude, writing now\nand then in the book, until six o\u2019clock in the evening. Suddenly he\njumped up and cried: \u201cWaiter, I wish to pay my bill!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, but your Honor has not eaten a thing to-day!\u201d\n\n\u201cHaven\u2019t I? Well, all right!\u201d said Beethoven, and took his hat and went\nout.\n\n\nBeethoven\u2019s Poverty\n\nThe great composer\u2019s gruff, even repulsive manner, during the last years\nof his life, was partly owing to his deafness and partly to the utter\nruin of his finances. He was not a good manager, and had the misfortune\nto be robbed by those in his employ. He often lacked the necessities of\nlife. Ludwig Spohr, in the early days of his acquaintance with Beethoven\nasked him once why he had not been to dinner at the inn for some days.\nHad he been ill?\n\n\u201cNo, but my boot was, and as I own only one pair, I had to stay at home.\u201d\n\n\nBeethoven\u2019s Domestic Troubles\n\nThe best idea of his domestic misery is given in his diary, an extract\nfrom which is here presented.\n\n    1819. January 31:\n\n    Dismissed the housekeeper, on account of her quick tongue and\n    quicker temper.\n\n    February 15:\n\n    The new cook arrives.\n\n    March 8:\n\n    The cook has given two weeks\u2019 notice. On the 22d the new\n    housekeeper takes charge.\n\n    April 14:\n\n    Engaged a waitress at six gulden per month.\n\n    April 20:\n\n    The housekeeper gives notice, because she is no good.\n\n    April 24:\n\n    Bad day. Could not eat anything,\u2014that is, there was nothing fit\n    to eat, everything being spoiled, standing too long.\n\n    May 16:\n\n    Cook has given notice, because she ruined the dinner again.\n\n    July 1:\n\n    Enter a new cook. I wonder if she is good for anything!\n\nSuch was the great master\u2019s domestic life.\n\n\nIndifference to Dress and Fashion\n\nThat Beethoven paid no heed whatever to the world, its fashions or\nits follies, during the time when he worked hardest, showed in his\nappearance. For instance, he had not noticed that it had become the\nfashion for men to wear lace frills on the front of their shirts. A\nfriend ordered some for him, so that he should appear well dressed. When\nBeethoven saw the frills he wondered what they were for. \u201cOh,\u201d he said,\n\u201cI suppose they are meant to keep me warm,\u201d and tucked the beautiful\nfrills inside his vest.\n\n\nRemedy for Ennui\n\nWhen Liszt made his first trip to St. Petersburg, Russia had no\nrailroads, and he traveled over badly neglected roads in a heavily loaded\ncoach, with his secretary and valet. One day, not far from the small town\nof P\u2014\u2014 the coach broke down. Examination showed that it would take at\nleast two days to repair it. This forced Liszt to go to the hotel of the\ntown, a place that could neither offer him his accustomed comforts nor\nluxuries nor anything in the way of amusements.\n\nLiszt was then at the height of his triumphant career, and all the joys\nand pleasures of life were his. To such a man the enforced rest in such\na poor place, must have been depressing. Under these circumstances it\nwas a happy thought that came to the secretary while reading a poem of\nAlfred de Musset. In it the poet says: \u201cLa rem\u00e9de au melancolique c\u2019est\nla musique.\u201d \u201cThe remedy for melancholy is music.\u201d\n\nThe artist was lying in an easy chair by the fire, watching the smoke\nfrom his Havana, when the secretary proposed to kill time by giving some\nconcerts. Solely in the hope of getting a change and some diversion out\nof it, Liszt laughingly consented. Quickly the necessary arrangements\nwere made and the concert was to be given on the following night in the\ndancing hall of the hotel.\n\nNow either the virtuoso\u2019s fame had not penetrated so far, or else they\ndoubted that he was the genuine, great Liszt, for when the artist stepped\non the platform, he looked at a yawning gulf of empty chairs. About\nfifteen persons were present.\n\nTaking off his gloves, he looked smilingly at the little band of faithful\nones, then came forward and, in the amiable, merry way he had of talking,\nhe pointed out to them that the hall was cold and uncomfortable, while\nhis own sitting-room was warm and cozy. He took the liberty therefore to\nask those present to follow him and to take a little supper with him. And\noffering his arm to the young lady sitting next to him he led the way,\nwhile the rest followed not a little surprised, but full of curiosity.\n\nWith the help of his secretary and valet, he gave them quite a supper\nwith champagne, Liszt making a most fascinating host, and sitting down\nto the piano unasked, he played for the mixed company some national\nairs, which were jubilantly applauded. It was a highly enjoyable evening\nfor the guests and even more so for the host, who thanked his secretary\nwarmly.\n\nThe next evening the second concert took place, and the hall was crowded.\nWhether they came in the hope of being invited to supper or whether\ntheir interest in music was aroused is hard to decide. Liszt laughingly\ninclined to the former. At any rate, the concert was a brilliant success,\nthe whole aristocracy of the neighborhood was present, greeting him\nwith storms of applause. After the concert, they overwhelmed him with\ninvitations, so that the great artist was obliged to extend his stay\nto a week. He always recalled this as one of his merriest traveling\nexperiences.\n\n\nPaganini and the Cab Driver\n\nAmong the great _maestro\u2019s_ papers was found the following amusing story:\n\u201cOne day,\u201d Paganini begins, \u201cI was wandering about the streets of Vienna,\nwhen all of a sudden a thunder-storm came up. The rain came down in\ntorrents and seemed to increase every minute. For once I was alone, which\nhappened very rarely, as my valet generally accompanied me. I was very\nfar from my lodgings and already so wet, that I was beginning to fear for\nmy health. So I looked about for a cab. Three passed me, as the drivers\ndid not understand Italian, and I did not speak German. The fourth\nstopped at my call, the driver was a countryman of mine.\n\n\u201cBefore entering I asked his price. \u2018Five gulden, the price of a ticket\nto Paganini\u2019s concert,\u2019 he said.\n\n\u201c\u2018You rascal,\u2019 I cried indignantly, \u2018to ask five gulden for such a short\nride! Paganini plays on one string of his violin; you could hardly run\nyour cab on one wheel.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Oh, it isn\u2019t so difficult as people think, to play on one string. I am\nmusical too, and I doubled the price of my fares to-day, in order to hear\nthe great violinist they call Paganini.\u2019\n\n\u201cI said nothing more, entered the cab, and in ten minutes was at my\nhotel. I gave the man the five gulden and also a ticket to my concert.\nThe next day just before the concert began, a great crowd was at the door\nof the concert hall when I arrived, and one of the ushers called to me:\n\u2018There is a dirty, uncouth-looking man at the door, who insists on being\nadmitted.\u2019\n\n\u201cIt was my driver of the day before, whom I permitted to enter in spite\nof his appearance, hoping that he would lose himself in the crowd. But\nwhen, at the beginning of the concert, I stepped on the platform, there\nhe was as close to me as he could get, among the elegantly dressed women\nof the first row. The applause was enthusiastic; my driver\u2019s knew no\nbounds. Several times he had to be severely reproved for disturbing the\nrest of the audience. I never had a more appreciative listener.\n\n\u201cEarly the next morning he came to my rooms. \u2018Sir,\u2019 he said, in the most\nrespectful tone, \u2018you can do me a great favor. I have a family, am poor,\nand your countryman; you are wealthy and famous. You hold my fortune in\nyour hand.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018What do you mean by that?\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Permit me to put at the back of my cab the two words: \u201cPaganini\u2019s\ncabriolet.\u201d\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Very well,\u2019 said I laughingly, \u2018you may put on it whatever you like.\u2019\n\n\u201cThat man was smarter than I thought. In a few months he was better known\nat Vienna than myself; his Paganini cab created a sensation. He had great\ngood luck with it, for everybody wanted to ride in it and he charged good\nprices.\n\n\u201cWhen I returned to Vienna two years later, my driver was the owner\nof the hotel at which I had stayed, and an Englishman had bought the\ncabriolet for one thousand pounds.\u201d\n\n\nMeyerbeer\u2019s Preference\n\nMeyerbeer\u2019s nephew came to Rossini, to beg of him to listen to a funeral\nmarch he had composed on the death of his uncle, and to pass his judgment\nupon it.\n\nAfter Rossini had listened patiently he said:\n\n\u201cThat is all very well. Yet, I should like it better if you had died and\nyour uncle had composed the funeral march.\u201d\n\n\nRossini and His Watch\n\nThe famous composer possessed a magnificent watch that his king had\npresented to him. It was a repeater and also a musical watch, for it\nplayed the _maestro\u2019s_ prayer from \u201cMoses in Egypt.\u201d But not until after\nhe had owned it for six years, did he understand it fully. Rossini took\na boyish delight in showing it and making it play, and one day he did so\nwhile in a caf\u00e9.\n\nA stranger who sat near was attracted by the music, and just as Rossini\nwas going to put it back in his pocket, he stepped up to him and said:\n\u201cYou have a very valuable watch there, sir, but I\u2019ll wager that you do\nnot know all its capabilities.\u201d\n\nRossini, much surprised said: \u201cI have carried it now for six years, in\nhonor of my king. It has never varied one minute, it repeats the hour,\nquarter-hour, tells the minutes and the day of the month, and plays as\nyou have just heard, the prayer from \u2018Moses.\u2019\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd yet, I insist,\u201d said the stranger smilingly, \u201cthat you do not know\nyour watch wholly. I\u2019ll wager anything you like,\u2014your watch against ten\nthousand francs!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, well, if you have ten thousand francs too many, I\u2019ll take the bet,\u201d\ncried Rossini; \u201cbut now give me the proof of your assertion.\u201d\n\n\u201cVery well,\u2014the watch plays another piece of yours, master, and contains\nyour portrait besides.\u201d\n\nSpeechless, Rossini saw that when the stranger touched a spring a lid\nflew back, disclosing his portrait, while at the same time it played \u201cDi\nTanti Palpiti\u201d from \u201cTancred.\u201d\n\n\u201cGood gracious!\u201d he exclaimed, looking at his lost watch, \u201cit is true,\nyou have won the wager; but how could I know?\u201d\n\nThe stranger, laughing heartily, handed him back his treasure saying:\n\n\u201cI am the maker of this watch, Michel Pliv\u00e9e. The wager was made in fun,\nbut I am delighted, that you, the great _maestro_, take such pleasure in\nmy work.\u201d\n\n\nHe Didn\u2019t Mean It\n\nThe well-known pianist, Sophie Menter, delighted everybody with her\nsimple, natural ways. One day in Pesth, while in a company of artists\nand lovers of art, Liszt among them, a young count, carried away by her\nplaying, cried enthusiastically,\n\n\u201cMein Fr\u00e4ulein, I lay myself at your feet!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said Sophie Menter, stepping back and smiling roguishly, \u201cgo on,\nlie down!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, I did not mean it literally like that,\u201d replied the count in\nconsternation.\n\n\u201cNow you see,\u201d said the young girl seriously, \u201cthat you should never say\nwhat you do not honestly mean.\u201d\n\n\nHow a Fugue Was Made\n\nKirnberger, the son of a carpenter, was taught music at an early age. One\nday he sat in a corner of his father\u2019s workshop, poring over a task his\nteacher had set him. Every now and then the boy would sigh deeply, and\nrub his forehead vigorously. His father who had been watching him for\nsome time, at last asked:\n\n\u201cWell, my boy, what is the trouble?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, father, I am to make a fugue, and I do not know how to begin!\u201d Now\nfugue, in German, means also the groove in a board.\n\n\u201cYou silly fellow, why couldn\u2019t you ask me. Come right here and I\u2019ll show\nyou.\u201d The good man took up a board, put his plane to it, and tried to\nshow to his son how a fugue was made.\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER VII\n\n_For and About Travelers, Tourists, and Summer Boarders_\n\n\nAt the Railway Station\n\nL:\u2014\u201cAh, how do you do, my dear sir; where do you come from?\u201d\n\nD:\u2014\u201cFrom Karlsbad.\u201d\n\nL:\u2014\u201cWell, how did the waters agree with you?\u201d\n\nD:\u2014\u201cNot very well. I was there six weeks and am still as stout as ever.\nTowards the last I drank fourteen cups of water a day, and still did not\nlose anything to speak of.\u201d\n\nL:\u2014\u201cYou should have gone to Wiesbaden. I was there only two days, didn\u2019t\ndrink anything, and yet lost everything.\u201d\n\n\nWhy He Curtained the Window\n\nTourist (to hotelkeeper):\u2014\u201cWill you tell me why you curtained the window\nof my room from the outside?\u201d\n\nHost:\u2014\u201cExcuse me, sir, but you wanted a cheap room, without a view;\nand as I had only this one with a view, but could not rent that at your\nprice, we just put the curtain on the outside.\u201d\n\n\nNo Cause for Alarm\n\nStranger (at a mountain tavern):\u2014\u201cSay, mine host, what is that dreadful\nrumbling noise above?\u201d\n\nHost:\u2014\u201cDear me, I suppose the tavern is going to tumble down; it\u2019s very\nrickety. But that\u2019s nothing. If it doesn\u2019t kill us, we\u2019ll build a new one\nnext year, and will hope to see you and your friends.\u201d\n\n\nSticking to the Date\n\nOfficial (to conductor, who is hours behind with his train):\u2014\u201cWhat made\nyou so late?\u201d\n\nConductor:\u2014\u201cWe don\u2019t run by hours and minutes, we just stick to the date!\u201d\n\n\nA Tough Parrot\n\nA gentleman farmer, from Pomerania, visited Vienna. At a bird dealer\u2019s,\na talking parrot excited his greatest admiration. He paid two hundred\ngulden for him and had him sent home to his friend Gela. After his return\nhe called on him and of course asked for the parrot. \u201cOh,\u201d said his\nfriend, \u201cmany thanks for your kind attention. He was a little tough,\nthough.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat? the parrot?\u201d\n\n\u201cCertainly, he had to be cooked for six hours.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat? Did you cook that parrot?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy of course we did.\u201d\n\n\u201cGela, you are a fool. That was a trained bird; he could talk.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, why didn\u2019t he say so?\u201d\n\n\nAlways Demonstrating\n\nProfessor (on his wedding tour in the mountains):\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t go too near that\nprecipice, Elise, you might fall down.\u201d\n\nYoung wife (laughing):\u2014\u201cOh no, I should take hold of that pine tree\nthere.\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cThat is a fir tree, my dear! Just see how careless you are!\nYou would take hold of a pine tree and when you got there, there would\nnot be one to hold onto!\u201d\n\n\nCharacteristics of European Capitals\n\nC. M. Oettinger gives in his magazine a humorous and striking\ncharacteristic of the European capitals. Amsterdam trades; Aachen\nconspires; Berlin talks fashions; Brussels debates; Dresden wonders;\nDublin begs; Edinburgh dreams; Florence stares; Frankfort counts; Genoa\nlaughs; Hamburg eats; Hanover sleeps; Cassel snores; Constantinople\nbathes; Copenhagen adorns; Leipzig reads (but only the newspaper); Lisbon\nworks; Madrid smokes; Mainz waits for the Cardinal; Manchester packs;\nMannheim swears; Marseilles sings; Munich drinks beer; Naples perspires;\nPalermo fans; Paris chats; Pesth talks; St. Petersburg is silent; Rome\nprays; Stockholm is having a good time; Turin dresses up; Venice loves;\nWarsaw sighs; Vienna digests.\n\n\nThat Depends\n\nLady (at a mountain resort):\u2014\u201cAs a member of the Alpine Club, you can\ntell me, I suppose, how many feet this mountain is above the level of the\nsea?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cThat\u2014that is difficult to ascertain, as the height changes\nwith the tide.\u201d\n\n\nOn a Steamer Between Lauterburg and Worms\n\nStranger (who sees the Rhine for the first time and has been told that\nthe famous Rhine wine comes from these parts):\u2014\u201cAh, how delighted I am to\nsee this great river, from which they make that fine Rhine wine you get\nhere!\u201d\n\n\nEffective\n\n1st letter. Wife (from a summer resort):\u2014\u201cHow I long for a few lines from\nyour hand!\u201d (No answer.)\n\n2d letter. \u201cI am very much worried about you, do write!\u201d (No answer.)\n\n3d letter. \u201cI am devoured with anxiety about you; it will kill me!\u201d (No\nanswer.)\n\n4th letter. \u201cIf I do not hear from you by to-morrow, I shall come home!\u201d\n\nTelegram. \u201cStay where you are. I am well and happy! Your husband.\u201d\n\n\nCounted Everything Twice\n\nGuest (to his host):\u2014\u201cLook here, Herr Ochsenwirth, my bill cannot\npossibly be so much. There must be a mistake.\u201d\n\nHost:\u2014\u201cNot possible, sir, since I counted everything twice.\u201d\n\n\nShe Struck It\n\nTourist (to a farmer\u2019s wife):\u2014\u201cWell, my good woman, where is your husband\nto-day? Isn\u2019t he at home?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, he\u2019s up on the Alps.\u201d\n\n\u201cAren\u2019t you afraid to be all alone?\u201d\n\n\u201cGoodness no! I am always glad when he is gone, then I have some peace!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut, my dear woman, you ought not to say that! Man and wife belong\ntogether. I am always glad when my wife is at home.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, while you are gadding about!\u201d\n\n\nConstant Change\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cHow high is this mountain?\u201d\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cMy father always said eight thousand five hundred feet. But you\ncan\u2019t depend upon that; father died thirty-eight years ago, and since\nthat time lots of things have changed.\u201d\n\n\nOn the Alps\n\n\u201cLook here, guide; on that signpost down below, it says it takes one hour\nto come up here, and it has taken us almost three!\u201d\n\n\u201cI know that, but if we put that on the signpost not a decent feller\nwould come up here.\u201d\n\n\nA Striking Resemblance\n\nCountess (who has returned to her estate in the mountains for the\nsummer):\u2014\u201cWell, Sepp, are you all glad to see me back again?\u201d\n\nSepp:\u2014\u201cOh my, yes! When you are not here the castle looks to us like an\nAlp without the cattle.\u201d\n\n\nHow to Secure Notoriety\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cWhy don\u2019t you put a railing along this dreadful abyss?\u201d\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cWell, you know the more strangers that fall down there, the more\nfamous the abyss becomes!\u201d\n\n\nComplimentary\n\nCaptain (to ladies on a steamer):\u2014\u201cLadies, please do not look so long at\nthe compass, your magnetic eyes will spoil the course!\u201d\n\n\nRunning Water\n\nSummer boarder:\u2014\u201cYou said you had running water in the yard, but I can\nsee only a pump.\u201d\n\nFarmer:\u2014\u201cYou just pull a little and it runs!\u201d\n\n\nA Scarcity of Something\n\nTraveler:\u2014\u201cMilk must be very scarce around here that you ask so much for\nit?\u201d\n\nHostess:\u2014\u201cThe milk is not scarce at all, sir, but travelers are!\u201d\n\n\nRuin Enough\n\nWife (at a watering place):\u2014\u201cWell, dear Emil, shall we stay here on the\npromenade or climb up to the ruin?\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cWhat should I climb up to the ruin for? To have to stay here\nfour weeks is ruin enough for me!\u201d\n\n\nFlooded\n\nA lady who had been to Italy for the first time was asked, after her\nreturn, how she liked Venice. \u201cOh, quite well,\u201d she answered, \u201cI was only\nunfortunate in finding the whole place flooded.\u201d\n\n\nMarking the Spot\n\nShe (in a railway carriage):\u2014\u201cWhy, Albert, what are you doing there? You\nare cutting into the window sill!\u201d\n\nHe:\u2014\u201cI\u2019m only marking the place where we had the most beautiful view.\u201d\n\n\nA Drawback to Wealth\n\n\u201cBut mamma, why are we so afraid of a thunder-storm? The other people on\nthe beach don\u2019t seem to be frightened. No others are running home as we\nare!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, child, those are poor people. They don\u2019t draw the lightning as we\ndo, who always have a lot of gold and silver about us.\u201d\n\n\nAppreciative Tourist\n\n\u201cHave you been away during vacation, Doctor?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, I was in Th\u00fcringen, gracious Frau, in Eisenach, and on the\nmemorable Wartburg.\u201d\n\n\u201cOn the Wartburg! Ah, I remember; isn\u2019t that where they have the\nbeautiful waiting-rooms?\u201d\n\n\nPrays for All Poor Sinners\n\n\u201cWhere are you going, Rosel?\u201d\n\n\u201cTo mass.\u201d\n\n\u201cDo you pray there for everybody, myself included?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh yes, your Honor; I pray for all poor sinners.\u201d\n\n\nWhat a Pity\n\nOwner of a villa:\u2014\u201cWhat do you think of these pine woods\u2014this spicy odor!\nYou have, perhaps, a consumptive in your family?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cNo, thank God!\u201d\n\nOwner:\u2014\u201cWhat a pity!\u201d\n\n\nThe Altitude of the Depth\n\nGuide (descending with a party into a deep abyss):\u2014\u201cSo, now around the\ncorner, and a few hundred feet further down. Then we will have reached\nthe altitude of the depth!\u201d\n\n\nCouldn\u2019t Hear the Waterfall\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cWhen the ladies are through talking, your Honor will be able to\nhear the waterfall over there!\u201d\n\n\nBeautiful Sunsets\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cYou are a happy people up here in the mountains; you always\nhave the beautiful spectacle of the rising and setting sun before you!\u201d\n\nFarmer:\u2014\u201cYes; but excuse me, doesn\u2019t that happen in the city, too?\u201d\n\n\nSoft and Tender\n\nClerk (on the Rigi):\u2014\u201cGracious, how this glorious sunset makes a fellow\nfeel soft and tender. Just now they are closing the offices at home in\nFrankfort!\u201d\n\n\nMisunderstood\n\nPhysician (to a newly-arrived guest at a water-cure):\u2014\u201cThe nature of your\nillness requires that you follow the rules here strictly. Drink three\nglasses of water every morning; after each glass, walk for half an hour.\nExercise is the main thing. Strict diet\u2019! Three cigars a day: one after\nbreakfast, one after dinner, one after supper. Come to see me again in\nthree days.\u201d\n\nPhysician (after three days):\u2014\u201cWell, how does the cure agree with you?\u201d\n\nGuest:\u2014\u201cThank you, Doctor; so far, quite well. If I only did not feel so\nsick afterwards.\u201d\n\nPhysician:\u2014\u201cFeel sick? After what? Doesn\u2019t the water agree with you?\u201d\n\nGuest:\u2014\u201cOh yes, that isn\u2019t it, but the cigars\u2014I never smoked before!\u201d\n\n\nThe East Wind\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cYes, sir; it is an immense advantage to us that we nearly always\nhave an east wind.\u201d\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cIs that statistic?\u201d\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cI have kept an account of it for years.\u201d\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cBut pardon me, if you will look at the weather vane on that\ntower you will see that the wind is west.\u201d\n\nGuide:\u2014\u201cOh, well, that\u2019s the east wind coming back.\u201d\n\n\nFrozen Music\n\nBanker:\u2014\u201cIf architecture is said to be frozen music, what would you call\na Sennh\u00fctte?\u201d (a hut on the Alps).\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhy, a frozen Schnadah\u00fcpfel (senner\u2019s song), my dear friend!\u201d\n\n\nNeed Not be Told\n\nNervous lady (to the boatman before the famous echo on the\nK\u00f6nigssee):\u2014\u201cWon\u2019t you please tell me when they are going to shoot?\u201d\n\nBoatman:\u2014\u201cYou\u2019ll hear it soon enough, I won\u2019t have to tell you first!\u201d\n\n\nCheap Pleasure\n\nA:\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t understand why people always complain about mountain\nexcursions being so expensive. I just took a two days\u2019 trip again, and\nexcept for a bowl of milk, I didn\u2019t spend a cent.\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cWhat are you giving me, why you must have starved!\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWhy of course not. I had a cold roast goose, a dozen hard-boiled\neggs, a piece of ham, and two bottles of wine, with me. You don\u2019t starve\non that!\u201d\n\n\nNo Need of Cows\n\nStranger (to his host, a peasant on the Alps):\n\n\u201cYour butter is certainly very poor.\u201d\n\n\u201cIf you please, it\u2019s our own butter!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, you just told me you had sold all your cows.\u201d\n\n\u201cDoes the gentleman think we are so far behind the times, that we need\ncows to make our own butter?\u201d\n\n\nHad His Choice\n\nGuide (on the summit of the Alps):\u2014\u201cLook out, your Honor; if you fall\ndown backward, you will be buried at Partenkirchen; and if you fall\nforward, at Lermos!\u201d\n\n\nA New Driver\n\nTourist (to guide):\u2014\u201cWhat will the team cost for the trip?\u201d\n\n\u201cSeven gulden.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is too much. Here in my B\u00e4deker it says: Trip including a tip, five\ngulden.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, then you just let B\u00e4deker drive you!\u201d\n\n\nWanted a Cheap Bath\n\nEconomical stranger (at a bathing establishment):\u2014\u201cHow much do you charge\nfor a bath?\u201d\n\nCashier:\u2014\u201cOne mark.\u201d\n\nStranger:\u2014\u201cCouldn\u2019t you fix one for me for half a mark? You might give me\na little less water!\u201d\n\n\nAt Home on the Lake\n\nStranger (on the lake):\u2014\u201cYou had better row ashore, my man; the waves are\ngetting very high; the boat might upset, and I should be lost!\u201d\n\nBoatman:\u2014\u201cYou need not be afraid, sir; I am at home on the water. A\nstranger was drowned here only last week, but we found his body the very\nnext day.\u201d\n\n\nImported Air\n\n\u201cI am surprised that the air in this miserable town is so fine! I wonder\nhow it is!\u201d\n\n\u201cThat comes from the quantity of Swiss cheese that\u2019s consumed here!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, what has that to do with it?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, just think what immense quantities of Swiss air are imported\nyearly, in the pores of that cheese!\u201d\n\n\nA New Flavor\n\nGuest:\u2014\u201cI had two portions of coffee for breakfast; how much?\u201d\n\nWaiter:\u2014\u201cBeg pardon, sir, did you have it with or without sunrise?\u201d\n\n\nA Matter of Looks\n\nA guest comes to a country tavern and asks for a glass of beer and a\npiece of cheese. As the latter does not look very appetizing, he calls\nthe host and asks him to bring a nicer piece. He simply turns the slice\nover, so that the better looking side is turned up and says: \u201cThere you\nare!\u201d\n\n\nFlattered\n\nAuthor (at a mountain inn, reading a fresh newspaper, left by a\nnewcomer):\u2014\u201c... What! the King of Ha\u00efti is thinking of getting\nmarried?... Hm, hm! I wonder if he has read my article on the necessity\nof marrying!\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER VIII\n\n_On Cycling_\n\n\nStreet Scene of the Future\n\nOrdinance: Every foot passenger will carry a visible number and will ring\na bell on approaching a cycler. Riding and driving strictly forbidden.\n\n\nLuck\n\nCycler (passing a carriage on the road):\u2014\u201cAnd still there are\ncabs\u2014to-day, when the cycle rules the world! They are a funny sight!...\nOf course an old woman is in it; who else would use one of those\nantediluvian vehicles?\u201d\n\n(Half an hour later, he and his wheel have been picked up by the occupant\nof that carriage, both badly bruised and battered):\u2014\u201cWhat luck, that this\ncab came along! I wonder how I would have gotten home without it!\u201d\n\n\nLies Elsewhere\n\nLady (on her wheel, meeting the Herr F\u00f6rster, an acquaintance):\u2014\u201cPlease,\nHerr F\u00f6rster, in what direction does Lahnberg lie? I am riding there to\nmeet my husband who is on his new wheel.\u201d\n\n\u201cLahnberg lies about two miles from here on the road to the right\u2014your\nhusband lies to the left.\u201d\n\n\nA Pair of Them\n\nA:\u2014\u201cHow is your wife?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cI see her very seldom now.\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWhy, how is that?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cWell, you see, she always sits behind me on the tandem.\u201d\n\n\nEffect\n\nPiano repairer:\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s strange that every week a pedal gets broken on this\npiano.\u201d\n\nFootman:\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s because our young lady rides a wheel all day.\u201d\n\n\nToo Early to Talk\n\n(Two wheelmen, one of whom is a beginner, pass each other.)\n\nA:\u2014\u201cI see you are getting on very well!\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cOh yes, for so short a time, I\u2014(falls from his wheel)\u2014you know, my\nfriend, I ought not to talk yet!\u201d\n\n\nWouldn\u2019t Appear Ridiculous\n\nPoliceman (to a cycler):\u2014\u201cIn this street cycling is forbidden; get off at\nonce!\u201d\n\nCycler:\u2014\u201cMy name is Meyer, policeman, and I live Tulpenplatz 277. Send\nfor the fine\u2014but don\u2019t make me look ridiculous before all these people. I\ncan neither mount nor get off by myself; I can only ride.\u201d\n\n\nEach to His Need\n\nWaitress (calling into the kitchen at a country tavern):\u2014\u201cFor the\ngentleman vegetarian a little green fodder, and for his steel horse a\ndrop of oil!\u201d\n\n\nWhat Papa Brought Home from His Trip\n\nPapa (bringing his wheel in):\u2014\u201cCome here, wifey, and bring all the\nchildren! Now, all of you open your mouths wide, I am going to open the\npneumatic tubes, that I filled on the Arlberg with delicious mountain air\nfor you!\u201d\n\n\nA New Word\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWho is that gentleman in that sporty costume?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cThat is a teacher of cycling.\u201d\n\nA:\u2014\u201cOh, a sort of velocipedagogue.\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER IX\n\n_Authors, Scientists, Artists, and other Celebrities_\n\n\nImmanuel Kant and His Hostess\n\nThe great philosopher was extremely careful about his dress. One day,\nhaving donned a new suit, he went for a walk, and in passing a house a\ncareless servant threw some dish-water on him. He expressed his anger\nin a very lively fashion and went at once into the house from which the\ngirl had come. The daughter of the house received him with many excuses,\nassuring him that all damage might be avoided if he would permit her to\nwash the spots off at once. Kant kept on scolding until the young woman\nhad removed all traces of the mishap. She, who knew him very well, asked\nhis name just for mischief, and when he had told her she said: \u201cI am\ndelighted, to have had this occasion to meet you.\u201d\n\n\u201cI too am pleased to have made your acquaintance,\u201d replied Kant, \u201cbut not\nwith the occasion that brought it about.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, but it is just the occasion that pleases me so much,\u201d said the\nyoung woman, \u201cfor if anybody accuses me of vanity after this, because\nI am very particular about my clothes, I shall tell them that I am\nfollowing the example of the great Kant.\u201d\n\n\nThe Church Steeples\n\nAt an evening company a number of anecdotes were told of some great man.\n\u201cI remember to have heard similar anecdotes of other great men,\u201d said\nKant, \u201cbut that is not surprising; great men are like church-steeples,\naround both is generally a great deal of wind.\u201d\n\n\nGoethe as a Skater\n\nOne day Goethe made one of a skating party. His mother and a friend were\nsitting in a sleigh watching the skaters. Goethe came up to them, took\nhis mother\u2019s long cloak off, hung it around himself, darted to and fro on\nthe ice, cutting the funniest capers for some time before he brought it\nback to her.\n\n\nGoethe as a Ghost\n\nGoethe often bathed at night in the Ilm. One beautiful summer night, when\nthe moon shone full on the poetic swimmer, a countryman on his way to\nUpper-Weimar, wanted to make a short cut, by climbing over the gate of\nthe castle\u2019s bridge. Goethe saw him and in one of his mad moods, which\nset Weimar so often in commotion, he uttered the most unearthly yells and\nshrieks, while jumping up and down in the water. Those terrible sounds\ncoming from a white figure with long, floating black hair, terrified the\ncountryman so much, that he turned and fled as if possessed.\n\n\nGoethe\u2019s Gallantry\n\nOne evening Wieland was reading aloud to a large company, assembled at\nthe country house of the Dowager Duchess Amelia of Tiefurth. The reigning\nDuke, who had been out hunting, came in during the reading, found the\nroom too warm and opened one of the windows. Some ladies thinly clad\nsat close to it. Goethe observing that they suffered, tiptoed to the\nwindow and shut it softly. The Duke turning around, saw that some one had\nresisted his wish. \u201cWho has shut the window, that I opened?\u201d he asked\nthe servants, but not one dared to mention the culprit. Goethe however,\nstepped forward and with an arch gravity said: \u201cYour Highness has the\npower of life and death over all your subjects. Upon me let judgment and\nsentence be pronounced.\u201d The Duke laughed, but the window was not opened\nagain.\n\n\nGoethe or the Devil\n\nOf another evening\u2019s reading, Falk von Muller relates: Goethe had\ncome in, unnoticed by anybody, and sat down close to the reader, with\nhis back turned to the audience. After a while he offered to read. At\nfirst everything went beautifully; then he began to extemporize and his\nexuberant spirits getting the better of him, he put everybody out of\ncountenance in one way or another. In a little fable, in doggerel verses,\nhe likened me wittily enough, to a worthy turkey-hen, that sits on a\ngreat heap of eggs of her own and other people\u2019s, and hatches them with\ngreat patience, but to whom it sometimes happens to have a china egg put\nunder her instead of a real one, a trick at which she takes no offense.\n\n\u201cThat is either Goethe or the devil,\u201d cried I to Wieland, who sat\nopposite to me at the table.\n\n\u201cBoth,\u201d replied he; \u201che has the devil in him again to-day and he is like\na wanton colt, that flings out before and behind, and you do well not\nto go too near him.\u201d Years after, we often laughed over that evening\u2019s\nperformance.\n\n\nSchiller\u2019s Witty Reply\n\nWhen a youth, Schiller learned to play the harp. A neighbor who did not\nlike him, said to him one day: \u201cHerr Schiller, you play the harp like\nDavid, only not as well.\u201d \u201cAnd you,\u201d Schiller replied, quickly, \u201ctalk\nlike Solomon, only not so wisely.\u201d\n\n\nSchiller\u2019s Birthplace\n\nIn a company the conversation turned to Schiller. One lady confessed she\ndid not know where Schiller was born. \u201cFor goodness sake, keep still,\ndon\u2019t let anybody hear you,\u201d said her friend; \u201chave you not read the\npoem: \u2018I, too, was born in Arcadia\u2019?\u201d\n\n\nThe Difference\n\nBishop Ross, famous for his brilliant wit and fine humor, was discussing\nwith some friends a new book, \u201cThoughts about Time and Eternity,\u201d when\nsome one, who found fault with the title, asked him to explain to him the\ndifference between time and eternity. \u201cIf I took the time to explain that\nto you, it would take me an eternity to make you understand it,\u201d was the\nbishop\u2019s answer.\n\n\nAn Appropriate Text\n\nDuring a celebration at Berlin, followed by the distribution of some\norders, an old general asked Count Ross whether it was not very hard\nfor clergymen always to find an appropriate Bible text, for sermons on\nspecial occasions. \u201cNot as hard as you think,\u201d replied the bishop, \u201cwe\nhave our concordance and other books of help, which never fail us.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat text would be proper for the present celebration?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, that is not hard; you will find it at the beginning of St. Matthew,\nat the birth of Christ, where the evangelist says of the three wise men:\n\u2018And when they saw _the star_, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nA Flash of Wit\n\nCarl Lachmann was famed for his witty answers. In 1828 he was called\nto Berlin as rector of the University. One time he was presiding at a\nmeeting of the faculty. It had grown late and pretty dark, when H., the\ndean of the theological department, entered. On seeing him, Lachmann\ncalled to the usher: \u201cHerr Schade, have the lights brought; darkness has\nentered.\u201d\n\n\nThe Other Half\n\nA colleague, who had married a wealthy woman, and who liked to show off,\nasked Lachmann: \u201cWhat do you think the addition to my house has cost me?\u201d\n\n\u201cHalf,\u201d was the dry, curt answer.\n\n\nA Grave Joke\n\nWhen a friend informed him of the death of the minister of finances,\nLachmann said seriously: \u201cYes, death comes easy enough to such as he, but\nthe likes of us must first give up his soul.\u201d\n\n\nLinn\u00e9\u2019s Revenge\n\nLinn\u00e9, the great naturalist, followed the principle of never taking\nnotice of criticism. His bitterest opponent was Browall\u2014a small light\nbeside the great scientist. At first Browall\u2019s behavior was very humble\nand modest, so Linn\u00e9 called a plant, of which only one species was known\nat that time \u201cBrowallia demissa\u201d (demure or modest Browallia). Later on,\nafter Browall had been advanced, he acted the high and mighty towards\nLinn\u00e9, and he, having found a second species of his plant called it,\n\u201cBrowallia elata\u201d (elated Browallia). At this Browall was very angry\nand wrote a great number of excited articles against Linn\u00e9, who avenged\nhimself further by naming a third species of the plant \u201cBrowallia\nalienata\u201d (alienated Browallia). In this way he certainly took a lasting\nrevenge, for this anecdote will live as long as botany lives.\n\n\nNever Drank Water\n\nWhen the poet Hagedorn was mortally ill, he asked his physician, what his\nillness was.\n\n\u201cWater, my dear Hagedorn, too much water in your breast.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, that\u2019s entirely impossible,\u201d replied Hagedorn; \u201cI never drank, in\nall my life, a whole glass of water.\u201d\n\n\nA Great Advantage\n\nA professor once undertook the hard task of translating Virgil into Greek\nand publishing it. In the announcement of his work he said: \u201c_In gratiam\ncorum, qui Latinam linguam non callent_\u201d (For the benefit of those who do\nnot understand Latin).\n\n\nThorwaldsen\u2019s Teeth\n\nA well-known sculptor quarreled one day with Thorwaldsen, and went so\nfar as to place his own works above those of the latter. \u201cYou may tie\nmy hands,\u201d said Thorwaldsen, \u201cand I will bite the marble with my teeth\nbetter than you can chisel it!\u201d\n\n\nGone Crazy\n\nA scientist asserts that all effervescent drinks, such as champagne, are\nnothing but fluids, gone crazy over the treatment they received at the\nfactories, and foaming with rage.\n\n\nAnything But His Medicine\n\nGottfried Kneller, a celebrated portrait painter, had a beautiful\nflower-garden. His neighbor, Dr. Ratcliff\u2019s servant, came in so often to\nget flowers, that Kneller grew angry, and sent word to the doctor that he\nfelt obliged to close up the gate. Ratcliff sent answer that he could do\nwith it what he pleased, only he would not advise him to paint on it.\n\n\u201cGood,\u201d said Kneller, \u201cI\u2019ll take anything of his as long as it is not\nmedicine.\u201d\n\n\nFailed to Appreciate the Laugh\n\nWhen the celebrated Professor Gesenius announced a lecture on the first\nbook of Moses (Genesis) his always well-filled auditorium was crowded.\nAll the students were waiting impatiently for what was to come. Punctual\nto the minute, Gesenius appeared, and opened his lecture with these\nwords: \u201cGentlemen, the Genesis is not as old as you think.\u201d This was\nthe signal for shouts of laughter from his entire audience, but which\nwas not meant to offend their honored lecturer, and we do not know\nwhether he ever heard the reason for this merriment. Gesenius had five\ndaughters, whom the students designated by the names of the five books\nof Moses\u2014Genesis, Exodus, etc. The oldest was Genesis. Hinc ille risus!\n(Hence that laughter.)\n\n\nCrebillon\u2019s Choice\n\nCrebillon was once asked why he chose the terrifying for the subjects of\nhis tragedies. \u201cI had no other choice left,\u201d he replied. \u201cCorneille took\nHeaven from me; Racine the Earth (world); so all that was left for me was\nHades.\u201d\n\n\nAbsent-minded\n\nNeander, the great church historian, wanted a book that was on top of a\nhigh book shelf in his study. The step-ladder was not high enough, so he\nclimbed from that to the top of the high, square porcelain stove to reach\nthe coveted treasure. He dived into it at once, and grew so absorbed in\nthe contents that he forgot to come down from his perch. His sister,\nNeander\u2019s Hannchen, waited in vain for him to come to the afternoon\ncoffee. Anxiously she hurried to the study but she did not discover him.\nSeeing the step-ladder leaning against the stove, and being of an orderly\nturn of mind, she put it in its place. Concluding that her brother must\nhave gone out, she went back to her room.\n\nBut when hour after hour went by, and evening came, and Neander had not\nappeared, she grew quite alarmed. What dreadful thing might have happened\nto him! In the meantime he\u2014who was so painfully missed\u2014found that it was\ngetting too dark on top of the stove to read any longer, so he concluded\nto come down from his high seat. But, alas! his retreat was cut off! In a\ndistressed voice he called for his Hannchen, who delightedly hurried to\nhis relief.\n\n\nA Hard \u201cNot\u201d\n\nA young author once handed to Professor Engel a drama, whose title was,\n\u201cSuch is Humanity,\u201d asking him to give his opinion of it. Engel returned\nit shortly, saying: \u201cI wrote my opinion down on it.\u201d The author for some\ntime looked in vain for the written criticism, but at last he found that\nEngel had added to the title the little word \u201cnot.\u201d\n\n\nA Frank Answer\n\nEmperor Karl V, once asked Michel Angelo what he thought of Albrecht\nD\u00fcrer. The great painter answered: \u201cIf I were not Michel Angelo, I would\nrather be Albrecht D\u00fcrer than Karl V.\u201d\n\n\nUnbiased Opinion\n\nCount D., a collector and somewhat conceited connoisseur of paintings,\nhad a landscape in his gallery which he considered a great masterpiece.\nHe showed it to a celebrated painter, asking his opinion of it, with\nthese words: \u201cSeveral people to whom I have shown it insist that it is a\ncopy, but I\u2019m blessed if I don\u2019t horsewhip the next fellow who says so.\nNow, my dear friend, I want you to give me your candid opinion of it!\u201d\n\n\nAn Interesting Pose\n\nA young man wished to have his portrait painted.\n\n\u201cHow do you wish to pose?\u201d asked the artist.\n\n\u201cWith a book in my hand, reading aloud.\u201d\n\n\nAltruism\n\nA critic once boasted in company, of the power of his pen, and said,\namong other bright things, that artists owed their fame to him, as he\ndistributed it.\n\n\u201cIndeed you do,\u201d replied a witty woman, \u201cand so generously, that there is\nnot a particle left for yourself.\u201d\n\n\nBoth May Be Mistaken\n\nVoltaire, while living at Berlin, once praised the poet Haller very much.\nA gentleman present said: \u201cYou praise Haller, while he expresses himself\nvery differently about you.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou are right,\u201d returned Voltaire, \u201cbut possibly we are both mistaken.\u201d\n\n\nVery Slow\n\n\u201cWhat,\u201d cried a young physician, seeing Voltaire drink coffee late at\nnight, \u201cyou drink coffee? Why, coffee is a slow poison!\u201d\n\n\u201cI believe you are right there; it must be a slow poison,\u201d replied\nVoltaire, pouring out another cup, \u201csince I have enjoyed it daily, for\nabout sixty years.\u201d\n\n\nStars in the Wrong Places\n\nThe great but timid astronomer, Schubert, once acted very awkwardly at\na court function. Some one remarked how strange it was to see a great\nman like that act so strangely. A wag said sarcastically: \u201cIt, no doubt,\nconfuses him to see so many stars in the wrong places,\u201d referring to the\nmedals on the gentlemen\u2019s breasts.\n\n\nAll Score\n\nGellert, the writer of a number of our most beautiful hymns, wrote the\nfollowing, of Haller\u2019s poem \u201cThe Origin of Evil\u201d:\n\n    \u201cI read The Origin of Evil, in our Haller\u2019s works,\n    And determined, with some scores,\n    To mark all interesting places.\n    I read, I scored, read on, enjoyed it more,\n    And when I finished, lo, it was all\u2014score.\u201d\n\n\nGrillparzer and Hebbel\n\nIt would be hard to find two more different natures than those two\nauthors and poets. Hebbel was a giant, full of self-consciousness and\nspiritual pride, classing himself with Shakespeare. Grillparzer was\nsimple, painfully modest and retiring.\n\nWhile both were at Vienna, Grillparzer was invited to meet Hebbel, at an\nevening company, which honor he declined with the following words:\n\n\u201cI have a great respect for what he writes, but, you see, I don\u2019t feel\nat home near him. I am truly afraid of him. He is too clever for me. He\noften starts queer subjects to converse about. He is, for instance, fully\ncapable of asking you: \u2018What is God?\u2019 Well, I don\u2019t know, but he does.\nNow, since I cannot argue with him, I should have to sit there like a\nmute.\u201d\n\n\nA Sad Waste\n\nK\u00e4stner once criticised a book like this:\u2014\u201cThis book is printed on the\nworst kind of paper. What a pity to waste so much good paper!\u201d\n\n\nSlightly Misunderstood\n\nA stranger in M\u00fcnchen asked a gentleman where the painter Kaulbach lived.\n\n\u201cKaulbach? The painter Kaulbach?\u201d said he. \u201cI don\u2019t know the man, but if\nyou need a painter, I can recommend painter X. very much; he painted my\nlandlord\u2019s doors and windows very well and very cheap.\u201d\n\n\nGotthold Ephraim Lessing\n\n\u201cYour book is full of donkey ears again,\u201d said his father to the little\nLessing.\n\n\u201cWhy father, that book has a perfect right to donkey ears,\u201d answered the\nfuture great dramatist and critic.\n\n\nForgot to Count the Money\n\nLessing once had a servant, of whose honesty he was warned repeatedly.\nFor a long time he paid no attention to this, but finally he concluded\nto test the man. He told a friend that he had left some money on the\ntable, to see whether their suspicions were well founded. \u201cBut did you\ncount how much you put there?\u201d asked the friend who knew Lessing\u2019s\nabsent-mindedness. Lessing looked at him startled; the need of counting\nit had never occurred to him.\n\n\nWho He Was\n\nOne day Lessing entered an inn and sat down to write. The host came and\nasked him who he was. Lessing, intent on his writing, did not answer.\nThen the landlord came close to his side, looked over his paper and asked\nagain harshly: \u201cWho are you, sir; I wish to know!\u201d Lessing turned around\nand said very seriously: \u201cI am Lucas the Evangelist.\u201d The saint, be it\nremembered, is always painted with an ox at his side.\n\n\nCalled Him Names\n\nWhile Lessing was with Lichtenberg in G\u00f6ttingen, they talked one time\nabout genius. Lichtenberg said: \u201cYou are a genius!\u201d To which Lessing\nreplied: \u201cI feel tempted to box the ears of anybody who calls me names\nlike that.\u201d\n\n\nAbsent-minded Men\n\nTheodor Mommsen, the genial historian, when working, was oblivious to\neverything that happened about him. Once he had a servant who knew well\nhow to take advantage of this. He served his master\u2019s dinner in the\nstudy, and asked him to come to the table, but the professor paid not the\nslightest attention to him. A bright idea came to the man. He served the\nsecond course, took away the first, and ate it himself. He did the same\nwith the second and third courses.\n\nA few hours later, the professor began to feel the want of food, and\ngoing to the kitchen he asked, angrily: \u201cAm I not to have anything to\neat to-day?\u201d \u201cWhy the professor has dined long ago,\u201d answers the servant\nunblushingly, and Mommsen, cursing his absent-mindedness, went back to\nhis work again.\n\n\nForce of Habit\n\nThere are absent-minded physicians too. The physician of one of the\nprinces was so busy, that he never found time to take care of his own\nhealth. Finally a virulent fever took hold of him. Absent-mindedly he\nfelt his own pulse and muttered: \u201cThe fellow is lost; that comes from the\nstupidity of people who never will call in a doctor till it is too late.\u201d\n\n\nWill Call Again\n\nThe great Lessing too was often absent-minded in the last years of his\nlife. One evening he knocked at his own house door. The servant not\nrecognizing him in the dark called from a window: \u201cThe professor is not\nat home.\u201d\n\n\u201cAll right, it does not matter,\u201d returned Lessing, \u201cI\u2019ll call again some\nother time.\u201d\n\n\nSaphiriana\n\n(_How the great humorist came by his name._)\n\nSaphir\u2019s grandfather\u2019s name was Israel Israel. Emperor Joseph ordered\nthat all Jews should take a permanent surname. Old Israel, when summoned\nbefore the magistrate was very undecided, so the man of law and justice,\nin order to make short work of it, said: \u201cYou are wearing a ring with a\nsapphire. Your name shall be Saphir. That settles it. No contradicting\nor\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nThis \u201cor\u201d was accompanied by a certain look at two policemen. So this\n\u201cor\u201d is the cause of the humorist\u2019s name.\n\n\nLend and Forget\n\nSaphir was once asked by Baron Rothschild to write something in his\nalbum. Saphir wrote: \u201cLend me 100 Louis d\u2019or and forget, forever your\nfriend,\n\n                                                            M. G. SAPHIR.\u201d\n\n\nSaphir\u2019s Witty Reply\n\nAn indifferent, but very arrogant author said once:\u2014\u201cMy works will be\nread when Schiller and Goethe are long forgotten.\u201d\n\n\u201cCertainly, not before that,\u201d was Saphir\u2019s quick reply.\n\n\nCase Not Parallel\n\nOnce an author came to Saphir with the manuscript of a comedy he wished\nto read to him, and said:\u2014\u201cYou know, sir, that whenever Moli\u00e8re finished\none of his comedies, he read it to an old woman in his service, thinking\nthat whatever would make her laugh, would have the same effect on an\naudience. So in reading mine to you, I have no doubt that if it pleases\nyou, it will please the public.\u201d \u201cThanks for your compliment, but since\nyou are not Moli\u00e8re, permit me to decline to play your old woman,\u201d was\nSaphir\u2019s reply.\n\n\nA Painter\u2019s Stick\n\nSome one spoke of a clever young woman, who had great talent for\npainting, and who had recently married a fool. \u201cIf she does a great deal\nof painting,\u201d said Saphir, \u201cI am not surprised that she took a stick!\u201d\n\n\nAccording to His Need\n\nSaphir once had a wordy battle with an author. The latter, who envied\nthe famous humorist, said: \u201cYou write for money only, while I write for\nhonor.\u201d \u201cEvery one of us writes for what he needs most,\u201d was Saphir\u2019s\nrejoinder.\n\n\nHeinrich Heine\n\nThe first great wave of admiration brought to Heine also a host of\ncavillers and doubters of his genius.\n\nYoung Levin, brother of Rahel Varnhagen, once told Heine, partly in\nfun, partly seriously, that his poems particularly, did not deserve the\nextravagant praise everybody bestowed on them, and that their chief charm\nlay in the quick transition from the highly pathetic to the trivial, and\nthat anybody who had caught the trick could imitate them very easily.\n\n\u201cWell, compose a poem \u00e0 la Heine,\u201d said the poet laughingly. \u201cI am not\nafraid of your competition.\u201d\n\nNext day his friend returned, handing him the manuscript of a lyric poem:\n\n    \u201cSie gab mir bei ihren Tode\n      Ein blasses, blaues Band\u2014\n    Es liegt in meiner Commode\n      Im Schube rechter hand.\u201d\n\n    (\u201cShe gave me while dying\n      A pale blue bow\u2014\n    In my desk it is lying\n      To this day, just so!\u201d)\n\nThis was what Heine read, and falling on his friend\u2019s neck in comical\ndespair, cried:\u2014\u201cIf you publish that I am lost!\u201d declaring himself\nvanquished by this pretended take-off.\n\n\nTo the End\n\nDuring the last days of his life, a friend visited him at Paris, and\nentered just as two nurses carried him to a fresh bed.\n\n\u201cHow are you, Heinrich?\u201d asked his friend.\n\n\u201cVery well,\u201d replied Heine; \u201cyou see the women still carry me on their\nhands.\u201d\n\n\nAlexander von Humboldt\n\nWhen Humboldt was made honorary citizen of Berlin, he made the customary\nvisits of thanks to all the city fathers. In his round he came to the\nhouse of an elderly councilman, who hurried down-stairs in his lounging\nrobe and received his distinguished guest at the carriage door, with the\nexplanation that he would never permit the venerable gentleman to climb\nthe stairs in his behalf. At the same time, he was not going to deny\nhimself the honor of a conversation. So he climbed into the carriage,\nexchanged with Humboldt for a quarter of an hour the usual courtesies,\nand ended his visit by slipping back into his house, calling to the\ncoachman \u201cto go on.\u201d\n\n\nA Famous Climber\n\nWhile living at Paris, Heine\u2019s apartments were on the fifth floor.\nOne day on returning home, his wife met him at the door and told him\nreproachfully that an old gentleman had been there to see him; she\nwas very sorry that the poor old man had climbed all those stairs for\nnothing. Heine looked at the visiting card. \u201cYou may comfort yourself,\ndear child; that man has climbed way above us.\u201d It was the card of\nAlexander von Humboldt.\n\n\nAn Unexpected Find\n\nOne afternoon Humboldt was walking through one of the markets at\nBerlin, when his eye was attracted to one of the stalls, where a pair\nof beautiful pistols, inlaid with mother of pearl and of rare old\nworkmanship, were exhibited. He bought them at the price of ten thalers,\nand on his return home he made the interesting discovery that one of the\npapers used for wrapping was a leaf from an old \u201cbook on herbs,\u201d the\nwork of one of the earliest printers. To save from utter destruction\na priceless treasure, Humboldt returned at once into the region of\nsecond-hand clothes-shops. For some time he could not find the man who\nhad sold him the pistols, as all the dealers thought he had come to\nreturn them. Only when he declared that he had come to return a thaler\ngiven to him above his change, they all came from their shops, surrounded\nhim and clamored for the money. They grew so offensive that Humboldt\nraised his pistols, which had the effect of making them take to their\nheels and also brought the real former owner, who told him to put the old\nshooting irons in his pocket, as they were not loaded, and to give him\nthe money. Humboldt followed him into his shop and asked for the book\nfrom which the leaf was torn. He soon discovered that with the exception\nof a few leaves, the book bound in pigskin was intact, and one of the\nrarest of its kind. Asked for the price of the book, the dealer in old\nclothes took a pair of patched trousers from a hook and said:\u2014\u201cGive me\nfour thalers and you shall have this beautiful pair of trousers into\nthe bargain. You will look swell in them next Sunday.\u201d The bargain was\nclosed, but Humboldt declined the addition of old clothes. Whenever the\ngreat naturalist afterwards showed the treasures of his library to his\nfriends, he never omitted to tell the story of how he acquired the \u201cbook\non herbs.\u201d\n\n\nMurder Will Out\n\nHaving just recovered from a severe illness, the amiable author of fairy\ntales, Mus\u00e4us, was invited out to a dinner. Everybody there was pleased\nto see him looking so well, and congratulated him on his recovery; but\nat last his wife could keep silent no longer and confessed that he only\nlooked so well, because he had used her rouge when dressing.\n\n\u201cWell, the murder is out,\u201d said Mus\u00e4us; \u201cdo you feel better now? Yes, I\ndid paint myself red, because I dislike being pitied on account of my\nillness, and would rather be envied for my healthy looks. But since my\nwife is such a tell-tale, I shall not keep silent either, and will tell\nyou of a bright remark she made, a short time ago, while we were driving\nto Erfurt. We were passing a field of flax in full bloom and I said: \u2018See\nhow beautifully blue the flax is!\u2019 At this my wife points to the field\nnext to it and says, just to show her extraordinary knowledge of farming:\n\u2018Yes, but the _tow_ in the next field is looking fine too.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nJohann Heinrich Pestalozzi\n\nOne day the great pedagogue was obliged to borrow five hundred gulden\nfrom his friend, the burgomaster of Aarau. On his way home to Neuhof, he\nmet a poor man, who told him that his barn had burned down and that he\nhad been to Aarau to borrow the money to rebuild it, but had met with\nno success. What was the philanthropist to do! He gave the man the five\nhundred gulden. Of course it was necessary to return to his friend and\nborrow the same sum over again, and also to ask him to look the family\nup, but\u2014now he came to think of it\u2014he had never even asked the man\u2019s name.\n\n\nTaken for a Tramp\n\nSeveral times Pestalozzi, on account of his negligent appearance,\nwas taken for a tramp and locked up, once at Bern, and later on at\nSolothurn; at both places he was taken to the hospital. At Bern, Baron\nvon Fellenberg, to whom he sent a note, hastened to the hospital to\nexplain the error made and secure his release. Pestalozzi comforted his\ndistressed friend by telling him that he had had a very good bed and\nan excellent soup. In Solothurn, they put him in a room with a barred\nwindow, from which, luckily, he saw the friend he was to visit, and\nby calling to him, told him of his plight. \u201cBut, for goodness\u2019 sake,\nPestalozzi, what did they lock you up for?\u201d asked his liberator.\n\n\u201cOh well,\u201d replied he, \u201cthey took me for a fool or a rogue.\u201d\n\n\nCaught for a Thief\n\nAnother time Pestalozzi was caught by a guard, just as he had climbed\ninto an orchard and picked up a fallen pear. The looks of the poorly\ndressed stranger justified the man\u2019s action, who collared him and took\nhim to the village lock-up which was in the schoolhouse. As luck would\nhave it, the magistrate had read Pestalozzi\u2019s \u201cLienhart and Gertrud,\u201d\nand set the author at liberty with many excuses. On leaving the\ngreat pedagogue said: \u201cIn future, do not lock up old rogues in your\nschoolhouse or you will have young ones come from it.\u201d\n\n\nHis Awkwardness\n\nOne day Pestalozzi was at a large dinner. He wished to be gallant, and,\non offering a dish to his neighbor on the right, a lady dressed very\nelaborately, emptied the contents of it over her silk dress. To excuse\nhimself he rose, and his hasty movement caused his spur to catch in\nthe dress of his neighbor to the left, tearing it badly. This was more\nthan he could stand. With one bound he rushed to the door, hurried\ndown-stairs, out to the stable, mounted his horse and galloped off.\n\n\nMelanchthon\u2019s Hobby\n\nPhilipp Melanchthon\u2019s hobby was palmistry. One day he dined with one of\nWittenberg\u2019s councilmen. The infant of the family was shown to him, and\nMelanchthon was ready at once to prove his skill. He took the tiny hand\nand said: \u201cThis child will be a great theologian.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat a pity that it is a girl!\u201d exclaimed the father, while all present\nsmiled.\n\n\nInvited Himself to Dinner\n\nSuperintendent Lohmann once visited his friend, the song writer, Pastor\nH\u00fclsemann, of Elsey, Westphalia. Lohmann finding the door open entered\nthe house. The parson was not in his study, but down-stairs in the\nkitchen he heard the parson\u2019s wife. Lohmann, full of fun, as usual,\ncalled down-stairs in his friend\u2019s voice, imitated to perfection:\n\u201cRiekchen!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat is it?\u201d\n\n\u201cLohmann, from Wesel, is here; see that we have a good dinner.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat, is that slow old fellow here again? I wish the idiot would stay at\nhome!\u201d\n\nLohmann said nothing, but went back to the study. Soon after, his friend\nreturned home and was very glad to see his dear friend, the visitor.\nHaving no idea, of course, of what had happened, he went down-stairs to\ntell his wife Riekchen, that there would be a guest for dinner. Entering\nthe kitchen, he said: \u201cLohmann is here.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou\u2019ve told me that once before.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat! I told you? Why, I have only just now entered the house.\u201d\n\nOne can imagine the greetings at dinner when the parties met; one rather\nembarrassed; the other ready to burst with merriment.\n\n\nSedan and Ses Dents\n\nPius IX possessed a fondness for humor, even when the occasion was a\ndisagreeable one. When the news was brought to him that the French had\nlost Sedan, he cried: \u201cH\u00e9las, Napoleon a perdu ses dents!\u201d Napoleon has\nlost his teeth (meaning, he will bite no more).\n\n\nThe Rothschilds\n\nDuring the panic in the money market of 1866, the agent of a\nmoney-lending concern came to Baron Rothschild and begged him to advance\nthem some money; but was promptly refused.\n\n\u201cOh, but you have always helped us before,\u201d wailed the agent.\n\n\u201cI know it.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou lent us some money only a few days ago.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is true also.\u201d\n\n\u201cThen, why do you refuse it now?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you see, the Jewish law forbids to lend money to any one in\nextremity.\u201d\n\n\nWanted to Keep on Growing Old\n\nFrau Rothschild lived to be eighty-nine years old, and, to the last, she\nretained not only her faculties, but also her much-dreaded wit. In her\nlast illness she whispered to her physician: \u201cDear Doctor, do try to do\nsomething for me.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat can I do?\u201d replied the physician, \u201cI can\u2019t make you young again.\u201d\n\n\u201cI don\u2019t want you to; I only want to keep on growing old.\u201d\n\n\nRisked Life for Wealth\n\nIn 1820, the head of the house of Rothschild, at Paris, was severely\ninjured by a fall from his horse. In order to save the wealthy man\u2019s life\nthe celebrated surgeon, Dupuytren, was called upon to perform a difficult\nand dangerous operation.\n\nThe operation was successful, and was barely finished, when a letter was\nbrought to the surgeon, who, on reading it, gave a cry of astonishment.\n\n\u201cWhat is it?\u201d asked Rothschild, in a weak voice.\n\n\u201cI must leave you at once!\u201d cried Dupuytren; \u201cyou will excuse me; the\nDuke de Berry has just been assassinated at the opera!\u201d With these words\nhe rushed off.\n\nAgainst the surgeon\u2019s order, Rothschild managed to drag himself from his\nbed; reached, by great exertion, the bell-rope; and rang.\n\nServants came running from all directions, and he ordered them to send at\nonce for his bookkeeper, his cashier, his agents. Several appeared within\na few minutes. He cried: \u201cSell! Sell everything, and at once!\u201d\n\nHis prompt action saved his house from a catastrophe, as stocks went way\ndown. But his imprudence made his recovery very slow, as it confined him\nto his bed for weeks longer.\n\n\nSaved His New Hat\n\nThe famous sculptor, Schadow, and Minister von Schuckmann were both\nfrequent visitors at a Berlin club. The former always went home early,\nwhile the minister was generally the last to leave, and had his carriage\ncall for him.\n\nOne evening the minister was the very last one again, and found in the\ndressing-room only one hat. Now his own hat was old and worn and this one\nwas brand new. There was nothing to do\u2014as he did not wish to drive home\nbare-headed\u2014but to wear the strange hat. Although the rain was pouring\ndown hard, it would not hurt the hat in the carriage.\n\nEarly the next morning, while the minister was still in bed, his footman\nbrought him his old hat and a note. It was from Schadow, saying: \u201cI\nbought a new hat yesterday morning. When I was leaving the club last\nnight it rained hard, and as I did not wish to spoil my new hat, I took\nyours, knowing that your Excellency would drive mine home unharmed.\u201d\n\n\nNo Great Art\n\nAt a company, some one mentioned that a famous Dutch painter could, with\none stroke of his brush, change a laughing child\u2019s face into a crying\none. \u201cPshaw, that\u2019s no great art; I can do that with a broomstick!\u201d was\nanother\u2019s dry remark.\n\n\nStyle Neutral\n\nA Jewish country merchant was in Frankfurt on business, and decided to\nhave a new suit made while there. The tailor took his measure and asked:\n\u201cDo you wish the coat made English, French, or German style?\u201d \u201cMake it\nnice and modern, but quite neutral; I wish to live with the whole world\nin peace,\u201d was the Jew\u2019s reply.\n\n\nA Bit of Diplomacy\n\nA rich Jew asked a poor Jew to dinner. Fish was served, and the rich man\ngave the poor man the smallest. He picked at them with his fork, without\neating any, and mumbled the while in his beard. The rich man watched him\nfor some time, and then asked:\n\n\u201cWhy don\u2019t you eat? What are you doing with the fishes?\u201d\n\n\u201cExcuse me,\u201d said the other, \u201cI was talking to the fish.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, what about?\u201d\n\n\u201cI had a brother who was drowned some years ago, and we could not find\nhim in the water; so I was asking the fishes if they could tell me\nsomething about him.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat do they say?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat they were still too small to know anything about it; that I should\nask the big ones.\u201d\n\nAshamed, the rich man filled his plate with large fish.\n\n\nNo Cause for Weeping\n\nA Jew cried bitterly, when during the day of atonement, the rabbi,\nchanting the psalm of penitence, came to the place: \u201cDust thou art, to\ndust thou shalt return.\u201d\n\n\u201cSchmul, why dost thou weep?\u201d asked his neighbor, trying to comfort him.\n\u201cIf thou wert gold, and had to turn to dust, thou would\u2019st lose one\nhundred per cent. But since thou art dust and returnest to dust, thou\ngainest nothing and losest nothing.\u201d\n\n\nHer Private Voice\n\nA wealthy Jewish society man, of Frankfurt, sat one evening at the opera,\nin which a foreign singer made her _d\u00e9but_. Next to him sat a lady whom\nhe knew slightly. He asked her very soon, how she liked the singer, and\nto her favorable comment said: \u201cOh, I have heard her sing better; she\ndined at my house yesterday and sang afterwards. Ah; if you could hear\nher beautiful _private_ voice!\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER X\n\n_On the Stage and Off_\n\n\nTo a Critic\n\n    You may whistle me in or whistle me off,\n    But that does not say, the whistler is smart.\n\n\nA Candid Answer\n\nA young actor was playing Razman in Schiller\u2019s \u201cR\u00e4uber\u201d (Robbers). When\nhe says to Moor: \u201cCome, let us go to the Bohemian forest and gather a\nrobber band,\u201d Moor cries harshly: \u201cFellow, who put these words into your\nmouth!\u201d The actor pointed at the prompter below, and said timidly: \u201cThe\nfellow down there.\u201d\n\n\nThe Prelate and the Singer\n\nThe following humorous incident is told in verse of Prelate Carl von\nGerok, the recently deceased author of \u201cPalm Leaves.\u201d It happened one\nspring-day in the King\u2019s park at Stuttgart. Along the philosopher\u2019s\npath, Gerok was walking deep in thought, and carrying an umbrella very\ncarefully in his hand. On a sidepath, never thinking of a possible\nshower, walked a well-known singer. Suddenly it began to sprinkle, and\nin a few moments the rain came pouring down. The prelate, a gallant\ngentleman, offered to take the lady under his umbrella. Neither one knew\nthe other. In pleasant conversation they arrived at the singer\u2019s house,\nand Gerok begged to know the lady\u2019s name.\n\n    The clever child of the muses\n    Has her answer quickly ready:\n    \u201cFrom the question I portend,\n    That to the opera you never went;\n    As the Prima Donna there\n    Everybody knows me here.\u2014\n    Now it is my turn to ask\n    And I beg of you, to tell,\n    Under whose umbrella now\n    I returned, protected well.\u201d\u2014\n    \u201cFrom your question I portend,\n    That to church you never went;\n    As the pious know me all,\n    For the Prelate I am called.\u201d\n\n\nAcute Hoarseness\n\nThe singer Tichatschek was once engaged by the Grand Duke of H. to sing\nfor a few nights at his Opera house. On arriving, the singer went at once\nto an orchestra rehearsal of the opera in which he was to sing, and which\nwas conducted by the Grand Duke, who was an enthusiastic musician. While\nstill behind the stage Tichatschek could hear that the orchestra was\nplaying out of tune and that the wind instruments were ahead.\n\n\u201cGreat heavens!\u201d cried the singer, \u201cwhat musical chaos is this? What\nidiot is occupying the leader\u2019s desk?\u201d\n\nWith these words he stepped upon the stage, and found himself face to\nface with the Grand Duke, who exclaimed excitedly:\n\n\u201cI am that idiot!\u201d\n\nThe singer canceled his engagement on account of \u201cacute hoarseness.\u201d\n\n\nComforting Words\n\nA well-known comic actor, who had accumulated a large fortune, was on his\ndeathbed. A number of his friends stood around, weeping.\n\n\u201cCalm yourselves,\u201d said the dying man, \u201cyou won\u2019t weep over me as long as\nyou have laughed over me!\u201d\n\n\nForgot to Crow\n\nAt a small theatre, Hamlet was being given, and a very poor actor played\nthe principal part. In the scene with the ghost, he shouted like mad.\nSome one in the parquet said: \u201cQuite true to Shakespeare, only the cock\nforgot to crow when the ghost appeared.\u201d\n\n\u201cInstead of that,\u201d some one else said, \u201can ass brayed.\u201d\n\n\nDon\u2019t Meddle\n\nA money lender once asked Garrick what he understood by \u201chonesty\u201d?\n\n\u201cWhy should you want to know,\u201d replied Garrick; \u201cyou had better not\nmeddle with things that don\u2019t concern you!\u201d\n\n\nVery Obliging\n\nWhen a third-rate actor, playing Hugo in M\u00fcllner\u2019s \u201cGuilt,\u201d stabbed\nhimself, the audience cried: \u201cBravo! da capo!\u201d (do it again). He jumped\nup, bowed, and stabbed himself a second time.\n\n\nThe Young Assyrian\n\nAt the Karl Theatre in Vienna the farce \u201cJudith and Holofernes\u201d was being\nplayed. During the performance a small dog that had been hiding behind\nthe scenes walked out on the stage, stood still in front of Holofernes\nand wagged his tail. Nestroy, who was playing that part, had hardly spied\nthe uninvited guest, when he cried pathetically:\n\n\u201cWhat does this young Assyrian here?\u201d\n\nThe audience broke into a roar of laughter and applause, while the young\nAssyrian fled.\n\n\nNature, not Art\n\nA singer, whose simple, soulful singing more than compensated for the\nusual flourishes of so-called high art, was playing _Julia_ in \u201cThe\nVestalin.\u201d\n\n\u201cIs this art?\u201d asked the resident _prima donna_, of the manager.\n\n\u201cGod forbid!\u201d replied he, with a sarcastic smile, \u201cthis is pure, true\nnature.\u201d\n\n\nThe Methodist\u2019s View\n\nA Methodist once said of a theatre: \u201cIt is a place where Satan can have,\nevery evening, so many souls for a few pieces of silver, that he is sorry\nhe once bribed Judas Iscariot with thirty pieces.\u201d\n\n\nAsking His Pardon\n\nWhile Beckmann, the great comic actor, was playing at Berlin, his friends\npersuaded him one day to imitate Fr\u00e4nkel, the journalist and critic. He\ndid it both in looks and manners so well, that at the close of the act\nthe audience called for Fr\u00e4nkel. The offended critic brought suit, and\nBeckmann was sentenced to ask the complainant\u2019s pardon, in the presence\nof witnesses and at the plaintiff\u2019s home. At the appointed hour Fr\u00e4nkel,\nsurrounded by his family and a number of friends, was waiting for the\npenitent. Time passed on leaden feet. At last the door opened, Beckmann\nput his head in and asked:\n\n\u201cDoes Mr. Maier live here?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh no,\u201d replied Fr\u00e4nkel, \u201che lives next door.\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, then, I beg your pardon!\u201d said Beckmann, who, having thus done\npenance, retreated quickly, amidst shouts of laughter from all but the\nangry, disappointed Fr\u00e4nkel.\n\n\nPeter and the Cock\n\nA manager whose name was Peter, engaged a singer, named Cock for a number\nof operas. At the first performance, the singer did not please. Things\nwere worse at the second; and on the third night the house was empty. A\ncritic said:\n\n\u201cWhen the cock crew the third time, Peter went out and wept bitterly.\u201d\n\n\nThe Actor\u2019s Generosity\n\nA great comic actor had been assisting at a concert, given for the\nbenefit of the poor of a large parish. After the concert the clergyman\nentertained at supper all who had taken part. The great actor found under\nhis napkin an easter egg, and on breaking it, five gold pieces fell out.\n\n\u201cAh,\u201d he said merrily, to his host, \u201cyou knew that I am fond of boiled\neggs, but one thing you did not know, that I eat only the white. Permit\nme to leave the yolk for your poor.\u201d\n\n\nArt and Artist\n\nOn the same day a mediocre actor and a frivolous spendthrift died at\nBerlin. Some one remarked: \u201cThe city has lost to-day two artists of a\npeculiar kind: the one still owes us art, the other had the art to owe\nus!\u201d\n\n\nThe Horse-Thief\n\nOne day a famous actor, who was seeking his health in the country, missed\nhis horse. He asked a countryman whether there were horse-thieves around.\n\n\u201cOh no,\u201d said he, \u201cwe are all honest people here; but for some days, some\nactor-fellow from the city has been loafing around here; perhaps he took\nit.\u201d\n\n\nTruth and Fiction\n\nA bishop once asked a great actor:\n\n\u201cHow is it, that we clergymen, in spite of the great and true subjects\nwe discuss in public, make so little impression, while you gentlemen of\nthe stage, make so much?\u201d\n\n\u201cIt is because we actors make fiction sound like truth, while you\nclergymen make truth sound like fiction.\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER XI\n\n_The German Soldier_\n\n\nThe Greater Misfortune\n\n\u201cThe enemies of our military system,\u201d said an examining officer, \u201csay\nthat a standing army is a great misfortune. Can you tell me of a still\ngreater one?\u201d\n\n\u201cOne that is running away,\u201d was the quick rejoinder.\n\n\nSitting and Standing\n\nA soldier who was supposed to stand guard at the entrance of a public\nbuilding, had sat down on a large stone in front of it. An officer, in\npassing, asked him angrily: \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am sitting here standing guard.\u201d\n\n\nThe Soldier\u2019s Requisites\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cWhat should every true soldier have?\u201d\n\nRecruit:\u2014\u201cThree sweethearts\u2014a cook, a barmaid, and a laundress.\u201d\n\n\nDiplomatic\n\nColonel:\u2014\u201cI do not see, Lieutenant, what there is to laugh at, in the\nserious words I am addressing to you.\u201d\n\nLieutenant (who has noticed that all the other officers present are\nwatching him):\u2014\u201cIf the Colonel will pardon me I will tell him. If I make\na sober face, my comrades present will think I am being hauled over the\ncoals; but seeing me smile, they will think you are inviting me to your\ndinner-party to-night.\u201d\n\n\nThe Recruit\u2019s Use for His Head\n\n\u201cYou, fellow!\u201d called a Sergeant to a recruit, \u201cyou are not paying\nattention! What is your head for?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat my necktie can\u2019t slip off.\u201d\n\n\nAn Unconscious Repetition\n\nColonel:\u2014\u201cI am sorry to have to tell you, but the Sergeant has lodged a\ncomplaint against you. You called him an ass.\u201d\n\nCaptain of the Horse:\u2014\u201cPardon me, Colonel; I am sometimes a little rough.\nI am really sorry to have used the expression, but I should never have\nthought that the man was such an ass as to be offended.\u201d\n\n\nA Queer Way of Reckoning\n\nCorporal:\u2014\u201cCaptain, I have to report that three men are missing.\u201d\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cWhy, how is that?\u201d\n\nCorporal:\u2014\u201cThere are three sausages too many.\u201d\n\n\nThe Standing Army\n\n\u201cWill you not sit down by me, Lieutenant?\u201d\n\n\u201cThank you very much, madam, but I belong to the standing army.\u201d\n\n\nThe Odd Pair of Boots\n\n\u201cWhy John, what a stupid action this is,\u201d said a Captain of the Horse, to\nhis servant. \u201cYou have brought me a pair of boots that do not match. One\nhas a high top and the other a low one.\u201d\n\n\u201cI have been wondering about that myself, and I don\u2019t understand it,\u201d\nsaid the man, \u201cbut the most curious part of it is, that on the shoe-box\nstands another pair just like this one.\u201d\n\n\nThe Jew\u2019s Reasoning\n\nAn officer fell from his horse in a public square. A Jew standing near\nsaid: \u201cThis would never have happened to me, sir!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat, Jew, are you a better rider than I?\u201d\n\n\u201cNot that,\u201d replied the Jew, \u201cbut I should never have mounted the horse.\u201d\n\n\nDense Stupidity\n\nSergeant (to a recruit):\u2014\u201cYou idiot, you are so stupid that Schwarz could\nnot have invented the gunpowder, if you had been within forty miles of\nhim.\u201d\n\n\nProved\n\nAn intoxicated soldier, who was quarreling with his Corporal finally said:\n\n\u201cYou just keep quiet; you are no man.\u201d\n\n\u201cI\u2019ll show you,\u201d retorted the Corporal, drawing his sabre.\n\n\u201cYou can\u2019t do it,\u201d returned the other; \u201cdoes not the Captain always say,\nwhen he orders out the guard: \u2018for this post, six men and a corporal\u2019? Do\nyou see now that a Corporal isn\u2019t called a man?\u201d\n\n\nNo Swearing on Sunday\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cTo-day is Sunday, so I won\u2019t swear; but to-morrow, you may all\ngo to thunder!\u201d\n\n\nGuarding the Sentry-box\n\nA recruit stood sentry for the first time. At first he walked quietly up\nand down before the sentry-box. After a while he grew tired, stood still\nbefore it, looked it all over and shaking his head exclaimed: \u201cI wonder\nwhat they see in this old box that I must stand here and guard it!\u201d\n\n\nOn the Parade-ground\n\nA squadron of cavalry was drilling for a review, which was to be held\nshortly. The Prince, riding past, looked on. An attack was executed which\nclosed with a jump across a ditch. One rider fell with his horse and\nrolled into the ditch. The Prince rode up, asked the man if he was hurt,\ngave him a ten mark piece, and rode slowly away.\n\n\u201cSergeant,\u201d called the Captain, \u201cgive that fellow three days in the\nguard-house!\u201d\n\nHearing this, the Prince rode up to the Captain and said:\n\n\u201cCould not you let the poor devil off for once?\u201d\n\n\u201cYour Highness,\u201d returned the Captain frankly, \u201cif you give to every\nsoldier who falls, a ten mark piece, my whole squadron will be in the\nditch to-morrow.\u201d\n\n\nAn Important Question\n\nOfficer\u2019s servant:\u2014\u201cExcuse me, sir; have you an advertisement in the\npaper, that on account of sickness a horse will be sold?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cI have.\u201d\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cThen my Captain wishes to know whether the gentleman is sick or\nthe horse?\u201d\n\n\nThe Listening Angels\n\nCaptain (noticing that after his command \u201cstand still\u201d two soldiers are\nwhispering):\u2014\u201cWhen I, your Captain, command, \u2018stand still,\u2019 the angels in\nheaven listen; but you, you lobsters, can\u2019t keep your tongues still.\u201d\n\n\nOnly Two Straws\n\nCaptain of the horse (discovering two straws on the\nrace-track):\u2014\u201cLieutenant A., who ordered a hurdle-race for to-day?\u201d\n\n\nMarrying for Love\n\n1st Lieutenant:\u2014\u201cComrade, I am a happy mortal. Engaged to be married.\nLoveliest girl,\u2014an angel I tell you. Marry for love\u2014upon honor!\u201d\n\n2d Lieutenant:\u2014\u201cHas she money?\u201d\n\n1st Lieutenant:\u2014\u201cWhat a stupid question!\u201d\n\n\nHis Own Handkerchief\n\nLieutenant (to his orderly):\u2014\u201cYou idiot, what are you thinking of, to\nclean my drinking cup with a handkerchief?\u201d\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cBeg your pardon, sir, but it is my own.\u201d\n\n\nThe Cold Ice\n\n\u201cPray, tell me, Captain, why you are staring so hard at my plate?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am admiring that ice, Fr\u00e4ulein, that can keep so cold in view of your\ncharms.\u201d\n\n\nA Charitable Institution\n\n\u201cHave not seen you for a long time, Count. Been on leave?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes,\u2014been two weeks in Potsdam. Aunt died suddenly.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, well,\u2014congratulations. Inherit anything?\u201d\n\n\u201cNot I; the old aunt left everything to charitable institutions.\nStupid idea! As if a German Officer of the Guard was not a charitable\ninstitution, too!\u201d\n\n\nAn Unexpected Answer\n\nSergeant (instructing):\u2014\u201cWho commands a battalion?\u201d\n\n(Soldier is silent. Behind him some one whispering.)\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cWhat blockhead is whispering to you?\u201d\n\nSoldier:\u2014\u201cThe Major.\u201d\n\n\nSaved His Honor\n\n\u201cWhere is the sausage that you were to bring every evening?\u201d\n\n\u201cExcuse me, Lieutenant; I ate it myself.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat! how dare you?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you see, sir, coming back with it, I met a comrade, and he asked\nme to whom the sausage belonged, and I said, of course, \u2018To my master.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018What,\u2019 said he, sneeringly, \u2018does your master eat only a sausage for\nsupper? What a shame!\u2019 So I told him you bought it for me, and ate it up\nright before him and so took the shame upon myself.\u201d\n\n\nIt Depends\n\nLieutenant (to recruit):\u2014\u201cHow should a soldier act before the enemy?\u201d\n\nRecruit:\u2014\u201cThat depends entirely upon how the enemy acts!\u201d\n\n\nMore True Than Kind\n\nMajor\u2019s Wife (stout and elderly):\u2014\u201cLieutenant von Schwenker is a charming\nman. At every ball he comes to me and begs for the first dance.\u201d\n\nColonel:\u2014\u201cHe is all right; he is a brave fellow, that Lieutenant; he\nalways does the disagreeable duties first.\u201d\n\n\nAn Appropriate Gift\n\nA general who had the misfortune to lose several battles, received as a\nNew Year\u2019s present a box containing a drum on which was written: \u201cNot\ngood for anything but to be beaten.\u201d\n\n\nThankful For Anything\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cYou idiot; you have brought me a single ticket instead of a\nreturn ticket!\u201d\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cBut sir, there was such a crowd at the ticket-office, that I\nwas glad to get this one.\u201d\n\n\nThe Lost Colonel\n\nYouthful Prince (as guest at a drill, sees the Colonel lead his regiment\nin a poorly executed attack):\u2014\u201cGeneral, that regiment I suppose is lost?\u201d\n\nGeneral:\u2014\u201cThe regiment is not, your Highness, but the Colonel is!\u201d\n\n\nToo Cautious\n\n\u201cGeorge, you must always knock at the door before you enter a room, and\nthen wait until some one calls \u2018come in,\u2019\u201d said the Major\u2019s wife to a new\nservant. While the Major and his wife are at dinner, George puts his head\nthrough a crack in the door, but draws it back quickly, closes the door,\nand knocks. His astonished mistress calls: \u201cCome in!... George, did you\nnot understand? I told you to knock first, and then wait until some one\ncalls \u2018come in.\u2019 Instead of doing that, you looked first into the room.\nWhat did you mean by that?\u201d\n\n\u201cI understood you all right, but I had to look in first to see if any one\nwas in the room to call \u2018come in.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nA Pertinent Question\n\nCorporal:\u2014\u201cRecruit Neier, how many more times must I tell you to hold\nyour head up! What makes you look at the grass all the time; haven\u2019t you\nhad your breakfast yet?\u201d\n\n\nSubordination\n\nMajor (narrating):\u2014\u201cBut when, on the thirteenth of October, the battle of\nLeipzig was fought\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cExcuse me, Major; that was on the eighteenth.\u201d\n\nMajor:\u2014\u201cYoung man, do you think you know it better than I? I tell you it\nwas on the thirteenth.\u201d\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cI do know it was not, for only lately I read the history of\nthe battle by a famous historian.\u201d\n\nMajor:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t talk to me about any of your scribblers. I\u2014your Major\u2014tell\nyou it was on the thirteenth.\u201d\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cPardon me, Major, if I doubt it in spite of that.\u201d\n\nMajor (boiling with rage):\u2014\u201cVery well, Lieutenant, then I tell you\n_officially_, that it was on the thirteenth.\u201d\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cVery well, Major, then it _was_ on the thirteenth.\u201d\n\n\nModest\n\nThe Lieutenant wishes to give to a reporting soldier a cigar, and opens a\nfresh box.\n\nSoldier:\u2014\u201cOh don\u2019t trouble about opening the box, sir; I can do that at\nhome.\u201d\n\n\nPoison in It\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cJohn, go up-stairs and ask my wife to give you my field-flask;\nbut don\u2019t you drink out of it. I believe there is poison in it.\u201d\n\nJohn (in the Captain\u2019s rooms):\u2014\u201cWill the gracious Frau kindly give me the\nCaptain\u2019s field-flask?\u201d\n\nCaptain\u2019s Wife:\u2014\u201cWhich is the one he wants? There are several hanging\nhere.\u201d\n\nJohn:\u2014\u201cThe one which the Captain believes has poison in it.\u201d\n\n\nNothing Else to Do\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cA sentry may not leave his post under any circumstances.\nRecruit Huber, what would you do if you stood guard at the powder\nmagazine, and there should be an explosion and the whole thing flew into\nthe air?\u201d\n\nHuber:\u2014\u201cFly with it.\u201d\n\n\nHis Size\n\n\u201cMarie, why did you make the potato dumplings so dreadfully large?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, you know, madam, that my sweetheart is in the Artillery, and he is\nused to this size.\u201d\n\n\nHe Forgot Himself\n\nCaptain of the Cavalry (playing a duet):\u2014\u201cBut my dear lady, you are again\na nose-length ahead of me!\u201d\n\n\nA Strenuous Captain\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cPlease, Captain, play my accompaniment on the piano.\u201d\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cWith great pleasure! I\u2019ll follow you through thick and thin on\nthat piano.\u201d\n\n\nNot Very Clear\n\nSergeant (at instruction):\u2014\u201cMuller, what is horizontal?\u201d\n\nSoldier:\u2014\u201cIf from the centre of the earth\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cNever you mind the centre of the earth; I asked you what\nhorizontal is.\u201d\n\nSoldier:\u2014\u201cEvery plain\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cOh pshaw! Now listen! four equally high feet, a couple of\nboards across them\u2014that\u2019s horizontal.\u201d\n\n\nNever Deserts\n\n\u201cMay I offer you some dessert, Lieutenant?\u201d\n\n\u201cThank you\u2014but a Lieutenant never deserts!\u201d\n\n\nOne Thing Forgotten\n\nCorporal (to his men, with whose drilling the Colonel has just found\nfault):\u2014\u201cI tell you this much, you fellows, if you don\u2019t do any better,\nwe shall drill the whole day, have field practice at night, bivouac\nafterwards, without fire, without straw, without cooking, and with the\nthermometer ten degrees below zero.\u201d\n\nA voice from the ranks:\u2014\u201cWhy don\u2019t you let it rain too!\u201d\n\n\nRather Mixed\n\nTen minutes after taps:\u2014\u201cOh say! don\u2019t run so hard. We\u2019ll get there early\nenough to be\u2014too late.\u201d\n\n\nDisagreeable\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cI saw you running after a girl last night. It was after ten\no\u2019clock, and she was a homely, old piece at that. You ought to be ashamed\nof yourself.\u201d\n\nSoldier:\u2014\u201cYour pardon, Lieutenant, but\u2014I was ordered to take\u2014the\nColonel\u2019s wife home from the theatre.\u201d\n\n\nAt the Swimming School\n\nSergeant (to a recruit):\u2014\u201cYou big num-skull, you are more stupid than a\npiece of wood! That, at any rate can swim, and that is a good deal more\nthan you can do!\u201d\n\n\nA Cunning Sergeant\n\nIn the barrack yard of a garrison stood a lot of pear trees. The pears\nwere ripe and a squad of soldiers under the supervision of Sergeant\nSchulze, is ordered to gather them. Punctually at the appointed hour the\nmen arrive, and, shortly after, have disappeared among the branches of\nthe trees to begin their task. Sergeant Schulze soon notices that more\npears go into the men\u2019s pockets than into the baskets. However he says\nnothing and looks on smilingly. As soon as all the fruit is gathered, he\norders the men to the horizontal bars standing in the yard, whereupon\nthere is a great shower of pears from the men\u2019s pockets.\n\n\nFault of the Target\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cWhat were the results of your target-practice?\u201d\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cGood, Captain; my men would have shot better if the target had\nstood a little more to the right.\u201d\n\n\nCouldn\u2019t Ride\n\nCorporal:\u2014\u201cGoodness me! that fellow wabbles around on his horse, like a\npoet on Pegasus!\u201d\n\n\nThe Horse\u2019s Grudge\n\n\u201cThere is that fellow fallen off again! That is about the tenth time\nto-day!\u201d\n\n\u201cCorporal, I believe that horse has a grudge against me.\u201d\n\n\nCondescension\n\nRecruit (lying on the ground):\u2014\u201cCaptain, I won\u2019t sit that horse again; he\nis too uppish. Just see him look down on me!\u201d\n\n\nBivouac Punch\n\nCaptain:\u2014\u201cWhat in the name of common sense, is the matter with this\npunch? It tastes abominable! Schaffer, what kind of water did you use\nwhen you made it?\u201d\n\nSchaffer:\u2014\u201cIt was quite fresh from the village, sir, but as you said you\ndid not need it for an hour and it was boiling, I cooked the sausages in\nit.\u201d\n\n\nIt Depends on His Looks\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cMayer, suppose you are standing sentry, and an officer,\nwearing his cloak comes along, you cannot tell whether it is a General or\na Captain; what salute would you make?\u201d\n\nMayer:\u2014\u201cIf he looks pleasant I would \u2018shoulder arms,\u2019 but if he looks\ngruff, I had better \u2018present arms.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nToo Far Away\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cRecruit Berger, you were ten minutes late again last night;\nwhere were you?\u201d\n\nBerger:\u2014\u201cI\u2014I\u2014was with my sweetheart, and she lives so far away\u2014that\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cHow many times must you fellows be told that discipline does\nnot bother with love affairs! If you must fall in love, do it near the\nbarracks.\u201d\n\n\nFor His Helmet\u2019s Sake\n\nSergeant:\u2014\u201cWhy must a soldier never lose his head?\u201d\n\nRecruit:\u2014\u201cBecause\u2014because\u2014he could never put his helmet on again.\u201d\n\n\nA Good Shot\n\nA recruit, who was standing guard one night near an observatory, was\nstaring thoughtlessly at the sky and up at the tower. Suddenly somebody\nappeared on the observatory, and, as the recruit thought, pointed with a\nlong gun into the night. \u201cNow I should just like to know what that man\nup there wants to shoot in the dark,\u201d he said to himself, while his eyes\nfollowed the direction of the telescope. All at once a star fell. The gun\ndropped from the astonished recruit\u2019s hand as he cried: \u201cWell, I\u2019ll be\njiggered; he hit it!\u201d\n\n\nRemedy for Don Juans\n\nGeneral:\u2014\u201cWere you at my house?\u201d\n\nAdjutant:\u2014\u201cYes, sir; your gracious wife is at home, and Lieutenant von\nSchneidewitz is there.\u201d\n\nGeneral:\u2014\u201cAgain? Have an alarm sounded at once.\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER XII\n\n_Crowned Heads and Some of Their Famous Statesmen and Generals_\n\n\nNo Money, No Gun\n\nMarkgraf Johann von Brandenburg, reigning Prince of Neumark, was in\nthe habit of leaving his debts stand for a long time. His gunsmith at\nNuremberg was well aware of this. So having filled an order, he wrote one\nday the following laconic letter to him;\n\n\u201cGood-day, your Grace! Your gun is finished. If you send the money, I\u2019ll\nsend you the gun. If you don\u2019t send the money, you won\u2019t get the gun. God\nbe with you!\u201d\n\nHis Grace, far from resenting this language, sent the money.\n\n\nThe Living and Not the Dead\n\nEmperor Joseph II of Austria, was once asked by an ecclesiastic of noble\nbirth, for permission to go to Rome, to visit the graves of the Apostles\nPeter and Paul. The Emperor made this very appropriate answer:\n\n\u201cIt would be more agreeable to me, if, instead of making a pilgrimage to\ndead bones, you would visit more in your parish. I am sure the Apostle\nPrinces would be more pleased with that, too.\u201d\n\n\nGood Advice\n\nOn one occasion Emperor Joseph II returned the poems of a very\nindifferent poetess whose name was Kemeter, with this marginal note: \u201cMy\ndear Kemeter, you had better make hemeter\u201d (shirts).\n\n\nThe Unusual Postilion\n\nEmperor Joseph II traveled under the name of Count von Falkenburg. Once,\nwhen passing through Stuttgart, the Duke of W\u00fcrtemberg offered to him the\nuse of the castle, but the Emperor declined, saying he would rather go\nquietly to a hotel. Then the Duke ordered all hotelkeepers of Stuttgart\nto take down their signs and had an immense one put over the castlegate\nwhich bore these words: \u201cHotel Emperor Joseph II.\u201d\n\nSuch an invitation the Emperor could not resist. When he descended from\nhis carriage, the Duke received him, dressed as a hotelkeeper, while\nmembers of the highest nobility played the parts of servants. The most\nbeautiful ladies, in cap and apron acted as chambermaids, some noblemen\nas waiters. The Emperor entered into the joke heartily, and it was\ncarried on through the day in the most charming manner. His going was as\nremarkable as his coming. When the coach drove up, a postilion mounted\nthe horse. His shabby coat and dirty boots drew the Emperor\u2019s attention.\n\n\u201cThis fellow,\u201d he said, laughing, \u201cis certainly no flatterer; he did not\neven put on his Sunday coat. He looks as if he liked a drink; we must\ngive him a good tip.\u201d\n\nBut the postilion drove with great skill, and very fast. When they\nreached the first station his Majesty was going to give him a good tip\nbut was told that it was the Prince \u2014\u2014 who had driven him in his own\ncoach. The Emperor thanking him said: \u201cYou made a splendid postilion, but\nif I had watched you, I should have discovered the fraud, for now I think\nof it, you did not swear once.\u201d\n\n\nThe Fourth Vow\n\nA knight of the Maltese Cross, once boasted before Emperor Leopold II:\n\u201cWe took three vows, that of poverty, of chastity, and of obedience.\u201d\n\n\u201cAs far as I know,\u201d returned the Emperor, \u201cyou made a fourth one,\u2014that,\nof not intending to keep any of the three.\u201d\n\n\nThe Two Exceptions\n\nA quick, witty answer always won the heart of Frederick William I. Once,\non horseback, he turned a street corner, and found himself so close to a\nyoung man that his horse\u2019s nose touched the latter\u2019s breast.\n\n\u201cWho are you?\u201d he asked harshly.\n\n\u201cA Candidatus Theologi\u00e6, your Majesty.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhere from?\u201d\n\n\u201cFrom Berlin.\u201d\n\n\u201cPshaw, the Berliners don\u2019t amount to anything.\u201d\n\n\u201cThe majority certainly do not, your Majesty, but there are exceptions. I\nknow of two.\u201d\n\n\u201cWho are they?\u201d\n\n\u201cYour Majesty and\u2014myself.\u201d\n\nThis was a man after the King\u2019s own heart, unafraid, quick-witted. It was\nnot long before he had a good parish.\n\n\nThe Empty Upper Story\n\nKing Frederick William I after an audience with an Ambassador, said to\nhis equerry, who was present:\n\n\u201cIsn\u2019t he a tall, handsome man? What do you think of his head?\u201d\n\n\u201cTall, handsome people, like the Ambassador, your Majesty, resemble\nhouses four or five stories high. The first three or four stories are\ngenerally occupied, but the upper story is empty.\u201d\n\n\nAn Effectual Cure\n\nWhile Prince von Lobkowitz was Emperor Leopold\u2019s minister of state, at\nthe beginning of the eighteenth century, the streets of the Austrian\ncapital were in a dreadful condition. Lobkowitz had asked the city\nofficials repeatedly to see that the streets were kept clean, but without\navail. Then the Prince, in his capacity as Governor of Vienna, sent for\nthe burgomaster, who arrived in his embroidered court dress, low shoes,\nand silk stockings. The Prince received him pleasantly, but seemed very\nbusy.\n\n\u201cI beg your pardon,\u201d he began, \u201cbut urgent business calls me away; come\nwith me in my carriage and we will discuss affairs on the way. I will put\nyou down in your street, so you can send your own carriage home.\u201d\n\nThe very much flattered and elated burgomaster did so, and took his seat\nbeside the Prince, who began to talk about the weather.\n\nSuddenly the minister looked around as if frightened.\n\n\u201cAh,\u201d he said in a tone of deep regret, just as the carriage was going\nthrough one of the filthiest streets of the city, \u201cI have mistaken my\nway. I must ask you to descend here, as my business calls me to the other\nside of the city, and I am late already.\u201d\n\nThe footman opened the carriage door, but when the burgomaster saw the\nsea of mud into which he was to step, he turned to the Prince and begged\nto be taken a little further.\n\n\u201cImpossible,\u201d said Lobkowitz, firmly. So the poor burgomaster, in his\ncourt finery, had to step out into the mud into which he sank ankle deep.\nLobkowitz laughed aloud. But he never had to complain of dirty streets\nagain.\n\n\nPunished by Proxy\n\nA basket of fine cherries having been sent to Frederick the Great, at\na time when that fruit was extremely scarce, he sent them by one of\nhis pages to the Queen. The page, tempted by the beauty of the fruit,\ncould not resist tasting, and finding them delicious, devoured them all,\nwithout reflecting on the consequences.\n\nA few days afterwards Frederick asked the Queen how she had liked the\ncherries.\n\n\u201cCherries?\u201d said the Queen, \u201cwhat cherries?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, did not Clist, the page, bring you a basket the other day?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo,\u201d replied her majesty, \u201cI have not seen any.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh,\u201d said the King, \u201cI will give that rogue something more savory.\u201d\n\nHe then went to his room and wrote the following note to the officer of\nthe royal guard.\n\n\u201cGive the bearer twenty-five lashes, and take his receipt for them.\u201d\n\nHe then called Clist, and told him to take the note to the guard-house\nand wait for an answer.\n\nThe page, however, fearing something wrong, determined to send the note\nby somebody else, and just as he was going out at the palace door, he\nmet a Jew banker who was well-known at court, and asked him to carry the\nKing\u2019s note. The Jew, glad of an opportunity to be obliging, went at\nonce. On his arrival at the guard-house, the officer read the note, told\nthe messenger to wait, and called out the guard. The Jew, thinking it was\nto do him honor as a messenger from court, begged the officer not to give\nhimself any trouble.\n\n\u201cI will not,\u201d he replied, and ordered the guard to seize the Jew, and\ngive him twenty-five lashes, which was immediately done. The Jew, with\nhis honor and his back severely wounded, was going away; but the officer\ntold him he could not go till he had given a written acknowledgment for\nwhat he had received. The Jew was obliged to give it for fear of getting\nanother beating.\n\nThe affair soon came to the ears of the King, who, though he could not\nhelp laughing heartily at the adventure, was obliged to confer some\nfavors on the hero of it, as the banker frequently advanced him large\nsums of money, in cases of necessity.\n\n\nDid Not Stammer When Singing\n\nFrederick the Great once gave an audience to a man who stammered. This\ngrew very tiresome to his Majesty, who asked:\n\n\u201cTell me, do you stammer when you sing?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo\u2014your\u2014Majesty!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell then, just sing to me, what you wish to tell me.\u201d\n\n\nWithout Mercy\n\n\u201cWell, I made one parson happy, for this world and the next,\u201d Frederick\nthe Great often said laughing heartily. \u201cIt was in Silesia. I had been\nquartered several times at the village parson\u2019s without ever having seen\nhim, so I sent for him.\n\n\u201c\u2018How do you do, parson?\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Very badly.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018Well, Well! Have patience; everything will be all right in the next\nworld.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018I doubt it very much; I am afraid it will be worse.\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018How so?\u2019\n\n\u201c\u2018I have two daughters, three sons, a small parish and\u2014debts. If I die,\nwithout having satisfied my creditors, your Majesty will understand that\nI should be damned without mercy.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nHe Did Not Understand\n\nFrederick the Great made the personal acquaintance of every soldier of\nhis regiment of guards. Whenever he saw a fresh one, he put the three\nfollowing questions to him: \u201cFirst, how old are you? Second, how long\nhave you been in my service? Third, are you satisfied with your pay and\ntreatment?\u201d\n\nIt happened that a young Frenchman, who did not understand German,\nenlisted in the Prussian service, and Frederick, on seeing him, put the\nusual questions. The soldier had learned the answers by heart, but in\nthe same order as the King generally interrogated.\n\nUnfortunately, on this occasion, the King began with the second question:\n\n\u201cHow long have you been in my service?\u201d\n\n\u201cTwenty-one years,\u201d replied the Frenchman.\n\n\u201cWhat!\u201d said Frederick, \u201chow old are you then?\u201d\n\n\u201cOne year,\u201d was the reply.\n\n\u201cUpon my word,\u201d exclaimed his majesty, \u201cyou or I must be mad!\u201d\n\n\u201cBoth,\u201d replied the soldier, according to what he had been taught.\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said the astonished King, \u201cthis is the first time I have ever\nbeen called a madman by one of my guards. What do you mean by it, sir?\u201d\n\nThe poor fellow seeing that the King was angry, told him, in French, that\nhe did not understand a word of German.\n\n\u201cOh! is that so?\u201d said the monarch. \u201cWell, learn it as soon as possible,\nand I have no doubt that you will make a very good soldier.\u201d\n\n\nIn His Majesty\u2019s Service\n\nSome time after having sustained a severe defeat at Kolin, Frederick the\nGreat, at a review, jokingly asked a soldier, who had a deep cut in his\ncheek:\n\n\u201cFriend, at what ale-house did you get that scratch?\u201d\n\n\u201cI got it,\u201d said the soldier, \u201cat Kolin, where your Majesty paid the\nreckoning.\u201d\n\n\nThe King Would Run Too\n\nJust before the battle of Rosbach (1757), things looked bad for the King.\nFrederick the Great was lying asleep on a heap of straw near a camp-fire,\nwhen he was awakened by one of his grenadiers calling:\n\n\u201cFrederick!\u201d (The grenadiers of his guard were allowed to call him that.)\n\u201cLook, they are bringing in one of your grenadiers who has deserted!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy did you run away and leave your King?\u201d was Frederick\u2019s question.\n\n\u201cWell, things were going so badly with you, that I wanted to try my luck\nelsewhere.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou are right,\u201d concluded the King; \u201cbut just try one more campaign, and\nif things don\u2019t look any better for me after that, I\u2019ll promise you, I\nwill run away with you!\u201d\n\n\nWould Declare War\n\nIf Frederick the Great heard that any one had spoken ill of him, he\nsimply asked:\n\n\u201cDoes the fellow own a hundred thousand men?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, then, I can\u2019t do anything to him; but if he commanded a hundred\nthousand soldiers I would declare war on him.\u201d\n\n\nThe Snuff Box of Frederick the Great\n\nOne time Frederick the Great presented to Count von Schwerin, his\nequerry, a snuff-box with a monkey on the lid. The Count had the monkey\ntaken out and the king\u2019s picture put in the place. In the evening,\nlooking as pleased as possible, he paraded it before the king\u2019s eyes.\n\n\u201cYou seem to like it,\u201d said the king, with an ironic smile.\n\n\u201cEverything that comes from your Majesty\u2019s hands is precious to me,\u201d\nSchwerin assured him, \u201cand I value this box the more, as it shows the\npicture of one whom I honor with all my heart\u2014your Majesty\u2019s picture!\u201d\nAstounded at this impudence, Frederick looked at the box, and, noticing\nthe change, laughed at the old diplomat and said:\n\n\u201cThe idea is fine and does you honor, but the picture is not good; here\nis a better one!\u201d and handed him his own richly-jeweled snuff-box.\n\n\nThe Bishop\u2019s Cloak\n\nOne of the characteristics of Frederick the Great was that he loved a\ntilt with the clergy. So he said to the Bishop of Ermenland:\n\n\u201cI hope to slip into paradise under your cloak.\u201d\n\n\u201cHardly,\u201d returned the Bishop, whose income had been reduced to\none-third, \u201cyour Majesty has cut down my cloak too much.\u201d\n\n\nDeserved His Rest\n\nGeneral Ziethen once fell into a doze at the king\u2019s table. As some one\nmade a motion to rouse him, the king said:\n\n\u201cLet him sleep. He has watched long enough that we might rest.\u201d\n\n\nThoughtfulness for Others\n\nDuring the many wars he was engaged in, Frederick the Great shared not\nonly all the dangers but also all the hardships of the common soldier.\n\nOnce he marched with his grenadiers till very late at night. At last\nthey halted, and the king said:\n\n\u201cGrenadiers, it is a very cold night; we must have a fire!\u201d One was built\nat once. Frederick wrapped himself in his cloak, sat down on a few pieces\nof wood near the fire, and the soldiers grouped themselves around him.\nAfter a while General Ziethen came, and he also sat down on a little pile\nof wood. Both were extremely fatigued and soon fell asleep.\n\nThe king, on opening his eyes, perceived that Ziethen had slipped off\nhis seat and that a grenadier was placing a fagot under his head for a\npillow. In a loud voice Frederick said:\n\n\u201cBravo! the old gentleman is very tired!\u201d Soon after, a grenadier got\nup, half asleep, in order to light his pipe by the fire, and carelessly\ntouched the General\u2019s foot. The king, who was glad to see Ziethen take a\nlittle much needed rest, held up his hand and said whisperingly:\n\n\u201cTake care, grenadier, not to waken the General; he is very sleepy.\u201d\n\n\nA Double Reward\n\nGeneral Seydlitz once reported to Frederick II one of the skirmishes such\nas happened almost daily during the seven years\u2019 war, and in doing so,\npraised a Lieutenant, whose conduct and splendid bravery well merited an\norder. The king had the young officer summoned and said to him pleasantly:\n\n\u201cI hear you have been very brave. I will reward you for it. Here are a\nhundred Friedrichsd\u2019or, and here is the order of merit. You may choose.\u201d\n\nWithout a moment\u2019s hesitation, the officer took the money.\n\n\u201cYou don\u2019t seem to have much regard for honor, anyway,\u201d said the king,\ndispleased.\n\n\u201cPardon me, your Majesty,\u201d replied the officer frankly, \u201cI have debts,\nand honor demands that I should pay them as soon as possible. I hope to\nearn and return for the order in a few days.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is brave, my son,\u201d said the king, patting the Lieutenant\u2019s\nshoulder. \u201cYou may take the order now; you deserve it!\u201d\n\n\nA Scarcity of Chairs\n\nOne morning while out riding near Potsdam, Frederick met a post-chaise in\nwhich sat one of his generals, who had numerous debts.\n\n\u201cWhy my dear W.,\u201d said the king to him, \u201cyou are off early; where are you\ngoing?\u201d\n\n\u201cTo Potsdam, your Majesty, to have an understanding with my creditors.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh,\u201d smiled Frederick, \u201cyou would have done that better at Berlin; there\nare certainly not chairs enough at Potsdam.\u201d\n\n\nHe Turned the Tables\n\nFrederick the Great was passionately fond of playing the flute. One of\nhis teachers for years, was J. Quantz, the famous flutist, who was also\nwell known for his quick, witty answers. One evening after the usual\nconcert, the king was conversing with his intimates, when Quantz made the\nremark that nothing could upset him, no matter how great the surprise.\nFrederick turned to him and said, laughing:\n\n\u201cQuantz, Quantz, you shall prove that to me,\u201d to which Quantz replied\nwith dignity:\n\n\u201cYour Majesty, I am ready for any test.\u201d\n\nA few days afterwards, Quantz was to play a solo on his flute, during\nthe evening concert. On going to his desk, he found on his music a large\nsheet of paper on which was written: \u201cQuantz is an ass! Frederick II.\u201d\n\nNot in the least disturbed, Quantz quietly folded the paper and was going\nto put it into his pocket, when the King who had been watching him,\ncried:\n\n\u201cHere, Quantz, what are you hiding there? Let me see what it is!\u201d\n\n\u201cYour Majesty,\u201d replied the former, \u201csome one has been trying to have a\npoor joke at my expense. It is not worth taking notice of.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said Frederick, apparently surprised, \u201cyou must read it, Quantz;\nyou ought to let me hear what has been written to you!\u201d\n\nQuantz bowed, and unfolding the paper, said:\n\n\u201cIf your Majesty wishes it, I cannot refuse.\u201d Then, sharply accenting\neach word, he read aloud: \u201cJohann Quantz is an ass; _Frederick the\nsecond_!\u201d\n\nEverybody grew pale; some grasped their swords, but the King went smiling\nup to Quantz, patted him on the shoulder and said:\n\n\u201cWell done, Quantz, but another time you must not be quite so rude; do\nyou hear?\u201d\n\n\nA Chronic Cough\n\nAt all the evening concerts, the King played the flute. Once he played a\nnew composition of his own, which contained a faulty passage. Quantz, on\nhearing it, coughed significantly. Frederick understood the meaning of\nit, but said nothing. The next day he asked one of the other musicians\nhis opinion of the passage. The latter pointed out the mistake. The King\ncorrected it at once, saying:\n\n\u201cWe must not let Quantz get a chronic cough.\u201d\n\n\nNo Relation\n\nAfter one of the victorious battles of the seven years\u2019 war, Frederick\nthe Great gave orders that a young cornet, whose bravery he had had\noccasion to witness himself, be brought to him.\n\n\u201cWhat is your name?\u201d the monarch asked the young man.\n\n\u201cVon Stira Stora Stazarneda, your Majesty,\u201d was the answer.\n\n\u201cWhat, sir,\u201d cried the King, indignant at a name so hard to remember,\n\u201cwhy, the devil isn\u2019t called that!\u201d\n\n\u201cHe is no relative of mine, either, your Majesty,\u201d was the impudent\ncornet\u2019s prompt answer.\n\nThe King smiled, and said:\n\n\u201cI am very glad to hear it, _Lieutenant_ von Stira Stora Stazarneda,\u201d and\nwith a wave of his hand, dismissed him.\n\n\nPlenty of Company\n\nThe Prussian Ambassador at the Court of England, wrote to Frederick the\nGreat that his salary being insufficient, he would be compelled to sell\nhis carriage and go to Court on foot. The King answered laconically: \u201cYou\ncan just walk; it won\u2019t hurt you. If anybody makes a remark about it, you\ncan tell them you are my ambassador, and 300,000 men are walking behind\nyou.\u201d\n\n\nNo Suggestions Wanted\n\nFrom the beginning of the War of Independence (1813-14, against Napoleon\nI) Field-Marshal Prince Bl\u00fccher urged the allied powers to go forward\n(hence his name, Marshal Vorw\u00e4rts) and thus created more confusion among\nthem than among the enemy. But the old soldier did not pay the slightest\nattention to that. Once when he received a dispatch to turn back with his\narmy he growled:\n\n\u201cThose diplomatic fool tricks and this scribbling of notes will have to\nbe stopped. I shall direct this campaign without notes.\u201d\n\n\nCobblers Lacking\n\nOnce, while trying to ascertain the enemy\u2019s whereabouts, a bullet struck\nPrince Bl\u00fccher\u2019s foot, but fortunately tore only his boot.\n\n\u201cThat\u2019s bad enough,\u201d joked Bl\u00fccher, \u201cwe have a good many more doctors\nthan cobblers with us.\u201d\n\n\nDeserved a Title\n\nWhen presented with a Doctor\u2019s degree at Oxford, Bl\u00fccher said:\n\n\u201cWell, now, you ought to make Gneisenau at least a druggist, for he made\nmy pills.\u201d\n\n\nThe Two Moves\n\nAfter a hard day, Bl\u00fccher was taking a few hours\u2019 rest. An Adjutant\nwakened him to report: \u201cThe enemy has made a move!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d cried the Prince, \u201cthen report to the enemy that I made one too!\u201d\nand with this he turned over on his other side.\n\n\nAnother Victory\n\nBl\u00fccher was a great lover of music. His favorite pieces electrified him\nas often as he heard them, but of them all Mozart\u2019s \u201cMagic Flute\u201d took\nfirst place. While the allies were at Aachen, Angelica Catalani, the\nfamous singer, aroused everybody\u2019s enthusiasm. The Emperor Alexander of\nRussia stood at the head of her admirers, but her acknowledged favorite\nwas the aged Marshal Vorw\u00e4rts.\n\nOne evening Catalani sang at a large reception and one of her songs\nwas Papageno\u2019s \u201cRing, Little Bell, Ring.\u201d Bl\u00fccher was delighted, and\nasked her to sing another of Papageno\u2019s songs, but the singer, greatly\nembarrassed, had to confess that she knew no other.\n\n\u201cI can teach you,\u201d said Bl\u00fccher; \u201cI know every aria in the \u2018Magic Flute.\u2019\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat,\u201d cried Emperor Alexander, \u201cBl\u00fccher can sing too? You must give us\na song then!\u201d\n\nThe old soldier stood up and began in his rough voice, dreadfully out of\ntune, but still recognizable: \u201cThe Bird Catcher I Am.\u201d\n\nEmperor Francis listened with visible emotion, the dignified King of\nPrussia smiled quietly to himself, while Emperor Alexander laughed as\nhard as he could and started a vigorous applause. Bl\u00fccher, encouraged,\nsang again, and wound up with \u201cBacchus is a Brave Man.\u201d The last number\ncreated such a storm of applause that Catalani said jokingly:\n\n\u201cI can\u2019t compete with old Bl\u00fccher; he has beaten me, too; he received\nmore applause than I did.\u201d\n\n\nPortraits of His Ancestors\n\nWhen Field-Marshal Wrangel was Commander-General of Stettin, he sent for\nthe painter, Most, and gave him an order to paint several portraits of\nhis ancestors for his dining-room. The painter asked if the General had\nsome pictures to copy from.\n\n\u201cThat isn\u2019t necessary,\u201d said Wrangel; \u201cjust make them look somewhat like\nme, and dress them correctly. Nobody knew them personally anyhow.\u201d\n\n\nPoor Shots\n\nWrangel generally rode a white horse, a fact which the enemy soon\nnoticed. When the officers of his suite drew his attention to it and\nasked him to ride another horse, to be less exposed to danger, he\nanswered with his customary calmness:\n\n\u201cWhy shouldn\u2019t I ride a white horse, gentlemen? They shoot at me, but\nthey hit you.\u201d\n\n\nCould Not Whistle For Laughing\n\nWrangel was once walking with the Crown Prince, later Emperor Frederick,\n\u201cunter den Linden\u201d in Berlin, when they met a shoemaker\u2019s apprentice\nmerrily whistling. As they came near, he stopped, grinned all over his\nface, and pulled off his cap.\n\n\u201cNow your Royal Highness can see what fine fellows these boys are,\u201d said\nWrangel; \u201cthey are all delighted to see a member of the Royal Family.\u201d\n\n\u201cWrangel,\u201d cried the Crown Prince, laughing, \u201cyou just ask that boy, why\nhe stopped whistling.\u201d\n\n\u201cSay, sonny,\u201d called Wrangel, \u201cwhy did you stop whistling?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhen I see you, I have to laugh, so I can\u2019t whistle,\u201d was the reply. The\nanswer pleased the Crown Prince immensely.\n\n\nUnder the Weather Vane\n\nWhen Wrangel returned from the war with Holstein, he ordered a\nweather-vane for the roof of his palace, just like one he had seen during\nthe campaign, an Uhlan with his lance at rest.\n\n\u201cBut he must turn whichever way the wind blows, like any other\nwell-regulated weather-vane,\u201d said Wrangel, \u201cor I shan\u2019t pay for it.\u201d\n\nThe Uhlan was made, put on the roof and the General was informed of it.\nWell pleased, Wrangel went to the window.\n\n\u201cWhy I can\u2019t see him, you swindler!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut your Excellency\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, pshaw, there are dozens of Excellencies. I am General-Field-Marshal.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut Herr General-Field-Marshal; you cannot see the weather-vane on the\nroof, while you are under it.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, yes, that is true; but what good is the weather-vane to me, if I\ncan\u2019t see it?\u201d\n\nAfter thinking it over for some time, Wrangel stated the case to the\nFrench Ambassador across the street, who was perfectly willing to have\nthe Uhlan put on the roof of his house. Now Wrangel could see the Uhlan\nfrom his room, and always knew which way the wind blew. Could he possibly\nhave known, what he did, when he put the Uhlan on the Frenchman\u2019s roof?\n\n\nAn Unfortunate Remark\n\nAn officer came to report to Papa Wrangel, as he was often called. The\nGeneral noticed that the officer\u2019s spurs were not those prescribed by\nregulations. He took him to task about it, and gave him twenty-four hours\nhouse-arrest. The officer seeing that Wrangel wore the same spurs, made a\nremark about it.\n\n\u201cVery well, my son,\u201d said the General, \u201cthen you stay another\ntwenty-four hours for me.\u201d\n\n\nA Profitable Call\n\nKing Frederick William III was in the habit of coming to the Queen\u2019s\nsitting-room every morning, to breakfast with her, preferably on some\nfresh fruit. One morning, he saw on her work-table a pretty new lace cap.\nSmiling, he asked the price of it.\n\n\u201cIt is not necessary,\u201d replied the Queen merrily, \u201cthat the men should\nknow what women\u2019s finery costs; they don\u2019t understand, and think\neverything is too dear.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut you can tell me what the cap cost. I should like to know!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes; I chose a cheap one; it was only four thalers.\u201d\n\n\u201cOnly? Why that\u2019s a lot of money for a thing like that!\u201d\n\nThe king, standing by the window, kept on teasing her, until an invalid\nsoldier of his guard passed by. The King called him into the room. He had\nhardly entered when the King said to him:\n\n\u201cThe lady on the sofa there has a lot of money. What do you think, old\ncomrade, she gave for that cap on the table? Now don\u2019t let the pretty\npink ribbon dazzle you!\u201d\n\nThe old fellow, inexperienced in such things, said:\n\n\u201cWell, it may have cost a few groschen.\u201d\n\n\u201cThere, do you hear that?\u201d laughed the King. \u201cOh, yes; groschen. She paid\nfour thalers for it! Now you go over there and let the beautiful lady\ngive you as much.\u201d\n\nLooking at the King, she quickly opened her purse and put four thalers\ninto the old soldier\u2019s hand. \u201cBut,\u201d she added with a mischievous smile,\n\u201cthe gentleman at the window has much more money than I. All I have I owe\nto him, and he loves to give. Just go over and let him give you double\nthe amount.\u201d The lucky veteran departed, delighted with his morning call.\n\n\nDislike of Formality\n\nFrederick William III was not fond of the extremely formal court\netiquette prevailing at the time. Even as Crown Prince, he gave numerous\nproofs of his dislike of the stiff formalities which prevented an\nintimate family life. Once the mistress of ceremonies, Frau von Voss,\nreproved him for speaking of the Queen as \u201cmy wife\u201d instead of saying\n\u201cher Royal Highness, the Crown Princess.\u201d The King promising to reform\nsaid:\n\n\u201cNow, my dear Voss, announce me to her Royal Highness the Crown Princess,\nand ask if I may have the honor to speak to her Royal Highness.\u201d\n\nThe mistress of ceremonies went to fulfil his command, walking with the\nslow, dignified, solemn step which etiquette prescribed. When she entered\nthe Queen\u2019s apartment, the King, who was already there, sitting arm in\narm with his \u201cLouise,\u201d called to the horrified lady:\n\n\u201cWhy my dear Voss, her Royal Highness, the Crown Princess, is not to be\nseen for an hour, and I mean to spend that time with \u2018my wife.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nToo Much Work\n\nQueen Louise, the mother of Emperor William I, was once told that her\nsons ate their fruit with too much haste. The Queen at once gave the\norder that every piece of fruit for the Princes\u2019 breakfast-table should\nbe wrapped in thirty pieces of paper. The unwrapping proved a sure remedy\nagainst their eating too fast. Emperor William I often recalled this rule\nsaying jokingly:\n\n\u201cFrom my youth up, nothing was ever made easy for me. Even to get a\nrosy-cheeked apple was considerable work.\u201d\n\n\nToo Hungry for Speeches\n\nFrederick William IV, later Emperor William I, never liked to listen to\nlong speeches when he was received into a city. One day, after having\ntraveled for many hours in a post-chaise, he reached the gates of a small\ntown about noon, tired and hungry. Here the King was received by the\nofficials, and the burgomaster began a long-winded speech with:\n\n\u201cMost high and most gracious King! When Hannibal stood before the gates\nof Carthage\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\n\u201cHe was probably as hungry as I am. Come, my dear burgomaster, get into\nmy carriage and be my guest.\u201d\n\n\nToo Much for Him\n\nOn a certain occasion when Frederick William IV had reached a small town,\nthe burgomaster began his speech:\n\n\u201cFive thousand citizens\u2014\u2014\u201d (here he stopped). \u201cFive thousand citizens\u2014\u2014\u201d\n(he began again). \u201cFive thousand citizens\u2014\u2014\u201d (No, he couldn\u2019t do it.)\n\n\u201cPlease greet your five thousand citizens for me,\u201d the King interrupted\nhim now, \u201cbut each one separately!\u201d and drove on.\n\n\nThrough Thick and Thin\n\nKing Frederick William IV was always a most gay and amiable host. Once\nat a ball he stood in the ball-room talking to a very tall and very\nslender gentleman. Suddenly, an officer of the hussars, in the whirl of\nthe dance, chased with his partner right between the two. The officer\nfrightened to death, stops at once and excuses himself.\n\n\u201cNever mind,\u201d said the King, laughing; \u201cdon\u2019t excuse yourself; a hussar\nmust necessarily go through _thick_ and _thin_.\u201d\n\n\nHe Helped the Donkey\n\nOne day, while Frederick William IV was taking a walk at an early morning\nhour, he noticed from a distance, a woman, who was beating the donkey\ndrawing her milkcart. He went near and asked the cause of her violence.\nWith tears in her eyes the woman said:\n\n\u201cOh, dear, I am in a great hurry, and this stupid donkey won\u2019t go. If I\ndon\u2019t get to Potsdam at the usual time, I\u2019ll lose all my customers. I\nknow his tricks. If I only had somebody who would take him by the ears,\nwhile I beat him from behind\u2014he would go all right.\u201d\n\nThe King soberly grabbed the donkey by his ears, the woman did her part,\nand the donkey began to trot, while his owner thanked her unknown helper\nheartily.\n\nAt home the King told his wife of the service he had rendered. The Queen\ndid not approve of the proceeding, and said:\n\n\u201cAs Crown Prince, my dear Fritz, you might have done that, but as King\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\n\u201cMy dear child,\u201d interrupted the smiling monarch, \u201cmy sainted father\nhelped many a donkey along.\u201d\n\n\nChanged His Order\n\nThe livery-stable-keeper, Faber, of Magdeburg, who had been very\npatriotic and generous during the war with France, asked permission to\ndrive Emperor William on his first visit to Magdeburg after the war, in\na carriage he had built for the purpose. Permission was granted, and he\nwas rewarded with an order of the fourth class. When the Emperor went to\nMagdeburg the next time, Faber drove him again, but this time standing.\n\u201cWhy do you drive standing, Faber?\u201d asked the Emperor.\n\n\u201cThe fourth-class always does, your Majesty; they ride standing\u201d (in a\nrailway train), replied Faber, pointing at his order. The Emperor laughed\nheartily, and Faber received an order of the third class.\n\n\nHis Early Reign\n\nIn 1878, while Emperor William was recovering from the wound made by\nNobiling in his murderous attack, Crown Prince Frederick transacted all\nbusiness of state. After the first few days of pain and excitement were\nover, and as the Emperor grew stronger, his gay humor returned.\n\nOne morning as the Crown Prince came in to see him, the Emperor,\nextending his sound hand asked:\n\n\u201cWell, dear Fritz, have you reigned already this morning?\u201d\n\n\nToo Much Game\n\nOnce after a hunt, the Emperor was told that he had killed twenty-eight\npieces of game. He looked surprised and said gaily:\n\n\u201cThis reminds me of the words: \u2018There are things happening between\nheaven and earth of which man has no conception,\u2019 for it certainly is\nwonderful that I killed twenty-eight pieces of game, when I shot off only\ntwenty-five cartridges!\u201d\n\n\nThe Greater Lion\n\nOne summer morning, in 1874, while Emperor William I was taking the water\ncure at Ems, the following humorous incident happened. He and Emperor\nAlexander II had as usual taken their morning walk together, and then\nseated themselves on a bench of the promenade near the Trinkhalle. The\nchance of getting a good look at the two rulers was not to be lost by\nthe summer guests, and soon a crowd was walking up and down in front of\ntheir bench. The Czar who did not like to be stared at, made an impatient\nremark about it, when Emperor William, pointing to Bismarck who was just\npassing and bowing respectfully, said:\n\n\u201cNow we shall have peace!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy so?\u201d asked the Czar, surprised.\n\n\u201cWhy?\u201d returned the Emperor, \u201cbecause there goes Bismarck; _he is more\nfamous than we are_! The people will run after him now and give us a\nrest.\u201d\n\n\nAt His Expense\n\nAfter recuperating for some weeks at Berchtesgaden, in the Austrian\nAlps, during the summer of 1886, Prince William, the present Emperor of\nGermany, accompanied by the Princess, went to Salzburg to meet their\nroyal grandfather. The aged monarch asked the Princess how she had\nenjoyed herself.\n\n\u201cOh very much indeed,\u201d she said, \u201conly at times I was dreadfully\nhomesick. I do so long to see my children.\u201d\n\nThe Emperor asked, smilingly:\n\n\u201cBut why didn\u2019t you bring your little ones with you; the mountain air\nwould have been splendid for them.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, but grandpapa, it would have cost too much!\u201d\n\nThe Emperor nodded assent: \u201cYou are right; three little Princes do cost a\ngood deal.\u201d\n\nWhen the royal family met for a late supper, the Emperor handed a\ntelegram to his granddaughter. She looked at it, scarcely able to\ncomprehend the contents, until the old gentleman said with a kindly smile:\n\n    \u201cNo need to keep you in suspense\n    The children are coming\u2014at my expense.\u201d\n\n\nThe Emperor\u2019s Thoughtfulness\n\nWhile the Emperor and Empress were at Ems, Count von Gneisenau, a son of\nthe famous general of that name, was often asked to dine at the royal\ntable. It was his habit always to decline the after-dinner coffee. One\nday he had again been a guest at dinner. A lackey offered him a cup of\ncoffee. The Count declined, without interrupting his conversation with\nthe Empress. A second time a cup was offered to him, and before he could\ndecline again, the Empress said: \u201cDo take that cup!\u201d\n\nThe Count obeyed, but held the cup in his hand. The Emperor coming up to\nthem remarked: \u201cWhy, Gneisenau, you are not drinking your coffee!\u201d\n\nThe Count murmured a few words of excuse. \u201cWell, you might at least look\nat the cup!\u201d\n\nGneisenau did so. Tears of emotion dimmed his eyes. On the cup was the\nportrait of his father. With a benevolent smile, the Emperor said:\n\n\u201cI saw that cup this morning in one of the stalls of the promenade and\nbought it for you! You must always drink out of it.\u201d\n\n\nSocks with Knots\n\nThe little Princess Feodora, of Sachsen-Meiningen, a great-granddaughter\nof Emperor William I, was learning to knit, and the first thing\nshe wanted to do was to knit a pair of warm socks for her beloved\ngreat-grandpapa at Berlin. In a few weeks the task was accomplished and\nthe gift sent off. It pleased the Emperor so much that he insisted on\nputting the socks on at once.\n\nDuring the evening it was noticed that his face looked drawn, as if he\nwas in pain; but on being asked if he was ill, he said smilingly:\n\n\u201cDo not worry, I am all right; but Feodora has made such a lot of immense\nhard knots in her socks, that I feel as if I were screwed into one of the\nold instruments of the inquisition!\u201d\n\n\nA Cause for Thankfulness\n\nA general once asked the Emperor for a detachment of cavalry, for service\nat the capital of his province. Laughing, the Emperor said:\n\n\u201cMy dear general, you will have to ask that man,\u201d pointing towards\nMoltke; \u201che alone disposes of our army. I must be thankful if he leaves\nme my guards!\u201d\n\n\nEqual to the Occasion\n\nThe Emperor was an enthusiastic sportsman. One day, while on a hunt with\na number of royal guests, he grew tired, and decided to go home quietly.\nTwo of his guests, noticing this, accompanied him. They had walked along\nthe road some distance when a farmer with his wagon overtook them. One\nof the gentlemen asked him to take them along for a consideration. The\nfarmer consented and the three climbed into the farm-wagon.\n\nCuriosity soon got the better of the countryman, and turning to one of\nthe gentlemen, he asked:\n\n\u201cAnd who might you be?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg.\u201d\n\n\u201cMay the\u2014\u2014!\u201d cried the farmer, laughing; and turning to the second\ngentleman, he asked \u201cand who are you?\u201d\n\n\u201cI,\u201d replied he, \u201cam the King of Saxony!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, this is getting better,\u201d cried the amused farmer. Finally he turned\nto the third gunner with:\n\n\u201cWell, and who are you?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am William, Emperor of Germany!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, this beats all!\u201d said the countryman, partly amused, partly\nindignant, \u201cbut I should certainly not have thought that such old\ndignified gentlemen would find pleasure in fooling the likes of me! So\nthat you may know who is driving you, I\u2019ll introduce myself: I, I am the\nShah of Persia!\u201d\n\nThe shouts of laughter at this sally made the gentlemen forget their\nfatigue.\n\n\nThe Day\u2019s Expenses\n\nWhile Crown Prince Rudolph of Austria was on his last visit to Emperor\nWilliam at the shooting-lodge, Letzlingen, the two, with four other royal\ngunners, were playing a game of billiards at fifty pfennig, about eleven\ncents, each.\n\nThe Emperor won, and soon after retired, but returned again to give some\ndirections about the next day\u2019s hunt. The gentlemen were still playing.\n\n\u201cWhat is this game you are playing?\u201d asked the Emperor.\n\n\u201cOh, a child\u2019s game, your Majesty, called \u2018_Meine Tante, deine Tante_,\u2019\nmy aunt, your aunt, or \u2018_Naschi-Waschi_.\u2019\u201d\n\n\u201cI can play that,\u201d said the Emperor, and staked the thaler he had just\nwon, and won another. Smiling, the Emperor put the money in his vest\npocket when one of the gentlemen remarked: \u201cYour Majesty might try\nit again,\u201d but he replied, \u201cNo, thank you, this just covers to-day\u2019s\nexpenses,\u201d and retired again.\n\n\nContents of the Drawer\n\nWhile visiting the Victoria-Bazaar, the Emperor asked one of the ladies,\njust to please her, to explain the construction of the sewing-machine to\nhim and the Empress, who was with him. After other questions he asked for\nwhat the little drawer was used. \u201cTo keep the small utensils belonging\nto the machine in,\u201d answered the young lady, somewhat embarrassed. The\nEmperor expected that she would pull the little drawer out, but when she\ndid not do so, he concluded correctly, that the contents were not as\nthey should be. With a gay \u201cWith your permission?\u201d he pulled the drawer\nout and saw an appetizing sandwich reposing there. Smilingly the Emperor\nasked the young lady:\n\n\u201cDoes this utensil belong to the machine too?\u201d\n\nQuickly the lady replied: \u201cYes, your Majesty, to the machine of the human\nbody.\u201d\n\nGreatly pleased with this witty remark, the Emperor turned to the\nEmpress, saying: \u201cThis proves that sewing-machines do not dull the\nworking of the brain.\u201d\n\n\nThat Was Different\n\nAfter Emperor William had recovered from a severe illness in the spring\nof 1885, his physicians would not give their consent to his attending\nthe coming man\u0153uvres on horseback. They feared the great exertion would\nbe too much for the aged monarch, who was then eighty-eight years old,\nand proposed that he should review them in a carriage.\n\n\u201cImpossible,\u201d said the Emperor; \u201cthere is nothing more unsoldierly!\u201d\n\n\u201cBut your Majesty,\u201d a General ventured to say, \u201ceven Frederick the Great\nattended man\u0153uvres in a carriage.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes,\u201d replied the aged monarch, \u201cbut he only did so during the last\nyears of his life.\u201d\n\n\nCoffee Instead of Water\n\nWhile traveling in cold weather one time, the Empress Augusta stopped\nat Dessau to have the hot bottle for her feet replenished. The Adjutant\nand a lackey with the bottle, hurried into the restaurant to ask for hot\nwater. The attendant had just used the last of it to make coffee, and\nafter running around in great confusion he declared:\n\n\u201cI am very sorry, but there is not a drop of hot water.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat,\u201d called a gentleman standing at the buffet, \u201cyou have no hot\nwater?\u201d and instantly seizing the full coffee-pot he poured the boiling\ncontents into the warming bottle, and the guests had to do without coffee\nfor breakfast.\n\nThe Adjutant hurried out with his prey, but soon returned to ask, in her\nMajesty\u2019s behalf, the name of the inventor of the brilliant idea.\n\n\u201cMy name is Cohn,\u201d said he. He was afterwards for a long time Emperor\nWilliam\u2019s private banker.\n\n\nHad No Use For It\n\nA sly dry goods merchant once sent to Emperor William a magnificent silk\nlounging gown, thinking that that would bring him the custom of the\nCourt. The Emperor however sent the gown back with the laconical words:\n\u201cThe Hohenzollerns do not wear lounging gowns.\u201d\n\n\nMade For the Boys\n\nOne day the Crown Prince Frederick William, later Emperor Frederick, was\nwalking alone in the streets of Berlin. Suddenly an old Jew accosted him\nwith the question: \u201cAny old clothes?\u201d The Crown Prince did not see him at\nfirst. \u201cAny old clothes, any old clothes?\u201d the Jew, who did not know whom\nhe was pestering, kept calling.\n\nAt last the Crown Prince stood still, looked at the Jew astonished,\nbut asked pleasantly: \u201cWhat is it you wish?\u201d The dealer in old clothes\nscraped a bow and said: \u201cHave you any old clothes to sell?\u201d At this the\nCrown Prince laughed outright and answered: \u201cMy good friend, I have a\nlarge family, and there are no old clothes; when I am done with anything,\nit is made over for the boys.\u201d\n\n\nA Change of Methods\n\nWhile the Crown Prince Frederick William was dedicating a chapel of the\nUniversity at Halle, he noticed among the students drawn up in line, one\nwhose face was a mass of scars. Turning to Dr. Volkman, the well-known\nsurgeon, he said, jovially: \u201cThat head gave you a lot of mending to do!\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, your Royal Highness,\u201d answered the man of science, \u201cthat sort of\nthing we sew only by machine now!\u201d\n\n\nPresented With a Leg\n\nIn honor of the presence of a number of crowned heads, who were taking\nthe waters, a gala performance was to be given at the theatre of Hamburg.\nThe first to appear in the royal box was the Grandduke of Hesse, with\ntwo Princesses. He took a chair and sat down between them, when the\nchair broke to pieces and his Royal Highness found himself sitting upon\nthe floor. The accident created great merriment both in the royal box and\namong the audience.\n\nSoon after, the Crown Prince Frederick William appeared in the box, and\nwhen told of the mishap, laughed heartily and took pains to throw himself\nheavily into his chair, but it held together. Finally the Prince of\nWales, now King Edward, appeared. The Crown Prince at once presented to\nhim the leg of the chair with the most comical solemnity.\n\n\nFollowed Instructions\n\nWhen Emperor William and the Crown Prince visited Erfurt after the war\nwith France, the youths of the city enthusiastically greeted the latter,\nwhom they adored. The Crown Prince leaning from his carriage called out:\n\u201cBoys, in the carriage behind is Moltke; scream for all you are worth!\u201d\n\nAnd the boys certainly did it.\n\n\nWithout Success\n\nOne evening Alfred Gr\u00fcnfeld, the piano virtuoso, was playing before the\nCrown Prince and Crown Princess. After the performance the Crown Prince\npatted Gr\u00fcnfeld\u2019s shoulder saying, \u201cDo you know, my friend, that we are,\nin a sense, colleagues?\u201d Gr\u00fcnfeld bowed, but had to acknowledge that he\nreally did not know how he came to the honor of being a colleague of his\nRoyal Highness.\n\n\u201cWell, I will tell you,\u201d said the Crown Prince. \u201cI was, like yourself, a\npupil of Kullak\u2019s, but\u2014now you must not give this away\u2014the good Kullak\nwanted to make something of me, as he did of you, and he didn\u2019t succeed.\u201d\n\n\nNo Speeches, Please\n\nWhile inspecting St. George\u2019s Church, in N\u00f6rdlingen, the Crown Prince\npraised the splendor and size of it. He was told that the Catholic\nChurch in Dinkelsb\u00fchl was even larger and more beautiful, and he decided\nto visit that also. The burgomaster at Dinkelsb\u00fchl was notified by a\ntelegram, so the city fathers awaited the Crown Prince. When he arrived,\nthe burgomaster advanced to make a speech, but the Crown Prince declined\nto listen, saying: \u201cLet me tell you something; we two will make a\ncompact. You promise not to say anything, and I\u2019ll do the same.\u201d\n\n\nObedience to Rules\n\nThe Crown Prince, while in Dresden, visited the Johaneum, the famous\ncollection of arms. Talking and smoking he walked about, when suddenly he\nnoticed a sign: \u201cSmoking strictly forbidden.\u201d At once he took his costly\nHavana from his lips, put it into a boy\u2019s mouth saying: \u201cThere, you\nfinish it, I must obey the rules.\u201d\n\n\nSausage as a Remedy\n\nWhile studying at the University of G\u00f6ttingen, Bismarck was taken ill one\nday. The doctor was sent for and ordered quinine. Soon after he had left,\na big box of \u201ceatables\u201d arrived from home. Bismarck went at it, consumed\nabout two pounds of sausage, washed down with several glasses of beer,\nand then went to sleep. The fever left him.\n\nNext day when the doctor came he said: \u201cThank heaven, dear doctor, the\nfever is gone.\u201d\n\n\u201cYes,\u201d replied the doctor, \u201cquinine is a most excellent remedy.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell it wasn\u2019t exactly this time, you best of doctors, but two pounds of\nsausage had the same effect, and nature may do the rest.\u201d\n\n\nTo Suit All Parties\n\nWhen the new two-mark piece was issued, a number proposed to call it\nBis-mark, bis being the Latin for twice. The National Liberals would then\nhave Bismarck in their pockets, the Socialists would see him beaten,\nthe Ultramontanes could get him changed whenever they liked, and to the\nGovernment, the formation of a Bismarck party, would insure the most\nwide-spread influence.\n\n\nHe Rose\n\nPrince Bismarck and Count Kleist-Retzow, friends and related to each\nother, accepted an invitation to a hunt of several days. The first day\nthe two followed the noble sport with great zest. When they returned\nin the evening, Kleist-Retzow was so very much fatigued that he told\nBismarck that he would not rise at seven the following morning to\ncontinue the hunt. While talking gaily over their wine, Bismarck said\nthat he would take care that he got out of his bed whether he liked it\nor not. After they had retired, the Count locked and barricaded his\ndoor against Bismarck\u2019s attack the next morning, and then went to bed.\nBut once more Bismarck\u2019s voice came from the next room admonishing his\nfriend to be sure and rise in good time.\n\n\u201cKeep quiet; I want to go to sleep,\u201d replied Kleist-Retzow.\n\n\u201cYes, and you\u2019ll get up when I want you to, I\u2019ll give you my word for\nthat,\u201d returned Bismarck, and then went to sleep himself. At half-past\nsix in the morning, the Chancellor knocked at Kleist-Retzow\u2019s door and\nas it was not opened, he called to him to get up. The Count had not the\nslightest intention of doing so, and Bismarck assured him again that\nhe would be out of his bed by seven. Kleist-Retzow lay still and paid\nno attention to him. Bismarck took his shotgun, went into the yard,\nstood before the window of his friend\u2019s bedroom and shot through it\ninto the ceiling, so that the plaster fell down upon the Count\u2019s head.\nKleist-Retzow, very much frightened, jumped up at once and went to the\nwindow to see what had happened. Seeing nobody, he quickly put on his\nclothes and hurried down-stairs. Bismarck came to meet him, greeted him,\nand without changing a muscle, said: \u201cI hope you have rested well; it is\njust seven o\u2019clock!\u201d\n\n\nA Novel Signal\n\nIn 1871, while Bismarck, as Ambassador of the Confederation, lived at\nFrankfort, he occupied rooms in a private house. There was no bell in his\nstudy with which to call his valet from his room on the floor above, so\nhe requested his landlord to have one put in. That gentleman, who was not\na friend of \u201cthat Prussian,\u201d declined to do so, saying, that his tenants\nalways had done things of that sort at their own expense, and he didn\u2019t\nsee why he should make an exception now.\n\nSome time later in the day a pistol-shot rang through the house. Very\nmuch frightened, the landlord ran through all the rooms until he came to\nBismarck\u2019s study, where the still smoking pistol lay on the table, and\nthe smoking Bismarck sat quietly at work.\n\n\u201cFor heaven\u2019s sake, what has happened?\u201d cried the landlord.\n\n\u201cNothing at all,\u201d said Bismarck, \u201cthat you need worry about. I just\nsignaled to my valet that I want him. It is a perfectly harmless signal.\nI hope you will soon get used to it.\u201d\n\nIt is hardly necessary to add that Bismarck got his bell in short order.\n\n\nDespatch Sending Without Suspicion\n\nOne day, while the peace negotiations were in progress, the\nrepresentative from Hanover asked Bismarck how he managed to get his\ndespatches through the mails unopened. Bismarck, for answer, asked him to\ntake a walk with him. He took him to the poor district of Frankfort, to a\nnarrow street where only small stores were to be found. Arrived before a\nlittle grocery, Bismarck, to his companion\u2019s surprise, put on gloves and\nthen entered the store. His first question to the clerk was: \u201cDo you keep\nsoap?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes sir.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat kinds?\u201d\n\nThe clerk put several kinds before Bismarck, from which the latter\nselected a particularly strong-smelling piece, and put it in his pocket.\nThen he asked for envelopes and was shown some of the very cheapest kind.\nNow Bismarck took a despatch from his inside coat-pocket, put it into\none of the envelopes, fastened it, and asked for pen and ink and began\nto write the address. But of course with gloves he could not do it, so\nhe asked the clerk to do it for him. Then he put the envelope with the\ndespatch into the same pocket with the soap. When they were on the street\nagain Bismarck said to his companion: \u201cNow, I defy them to smell my\ndespatch under a perfume composed of soap, herring, and cheese, and an\naddress written in such a hand.\u201d\n\n\nThe Overburdened Horse\n\nPrince Bismarck was suffering from great nervousness at one time, and was\nobliged to stop smoking and drinking wine altogether for some weeks. When\nhe complained to Emperor William about it, his Majesty said:\n\n\u201cThere you see the difference between us. I am ever so much older than\nyou, but I enjoy my cigar, can take a glass of wine, and am very well\nwith it all.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh yes, your Majesty, that is an old story,\u201d returned the Chancellor;\n\u201cthe rider always has it easier than the horse.\u201d\n\n\nWithout Intent\n\nLord Russell, the English ambassador at the German court, called one\nday on Prince Bismarck at the palace of the latter, in Berlin. During\nconversation, Lord Russell remarked, that a man in the Chancellor\u2019s\nposition must be bothered with a great many troublesome callers.\n\n\u201cGod knows how true that is,\u201d sighed the Prince.\n\n\u201cBut you certainly have some remedy or other to get rid of such people\nquickly?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh certainly,\u201d laughed Bismarck, \u201cone of my best is, that my wife comes\nin to call me away on some pretext or other. Of course the caller can\u2019t\nremain after that.\u201d\n\nThese words were hardly uttered, when the Princess entered, and said in\nthe most harmless way: \u201cOtto, it is time to take your medicine; do not\nforget it.\u201d\n\nLord Russell broke into a ringing laugh and took his leave at once.\n\n\nA Monotonous Diet\n\nThe following humorous story was first published in the Leipsic\n_Tageblatt_. One day, during the siege of Paris, Count Lehndorff, the\nAide-de-Camp, visited Captain von Strantz, at Ville d\u2019Avray, an outpost\nnear Paris. In reply to the Count\u2019s question, how he was getting on,\nthe Captain said: \u201cOh quite well; I have just been dining for the\nsixty-seventh time off roast mutton.\u201d The Count laughed and rode on.\nNext day an orderly called on the Captain with the following message:\n\u201cIt having come to the ears of Count Bismarck, Chancellor of the\nConfederation, that Captain von Strantz would doubtless be dining off his\nsixty-eighth joint of mutton to-day, his Excellency sends him herewith\nfour ducks as a change of diet.\u201d\n\n\nThey Danced to His Music\n\nIn May, 1891, a curious circumstance which, having occurred just before\nBismarck\u2019s fall, might have indicated to him how slippery was the ground\non which he trod. He went one day to see the Emperor, who was busy, and\nwho sent word that he would see the Chancellor presently. Ere long the\nroyal children came in, and insisted upon his dancing with them. \u201cNo,\u201d\nsaid Bismarck, \u201cI am too old to dance with you.\u201d \u201cThen you must play,\u201d\nthey said. He accordingly sat down to the piano. Pretty soon the Emperor\ncame in, and, finding him thus engaged said: \u201cSo, here is the fourth\ngeneration of the Hohenzollerns, which has to dance to your playing.\u201d\n\n\nThe Better Cigar\n\nBismarck once gave to some friends the following droll account of Count\nMoltke.\n\n\u201cWhen a declaration of war is floating in the air,\u201d the Chancellor said,\n\u201ceven Moltke gets talkative, and when we were in for it in 1870, he grew\nten years younger in a day. Before, taciturn and cross, he now chatted\npleasantly, got an appetite for champagne and heavy cigars, and lost the\nlast remnant of gout that he had acquired while resting on laurels that\nhad grown old. But at any rate, the famous old General is a comforting\nexample for all enthusiastic smokers. He shows how healthy smoking is,\nand that one can grow old doing it. He showed his fondness for a good\ncigar even in the battle of K\u00f6niggr\u00e4tz.\n\n\u201cOn that memorable day in July, 1866, when victory and defeat hung for\nhours in the balance, I was filled with disquietude and apprehension. I\nrode up to Moltke, who sat on his horse like a statue, following every\nmovement of the battle. To talk to him was impossible; but I had in my\ncase two cigars left, a good one and a bad one. Without a word I offered\nthe case to Moltke, and without a word he took it, examined the two\ncigars and selected the good one. This was enough encouragement for me,\nfor I said to myself, if the General can so calmly select the better\ncigar, our chances must be good.\u201d\n\n\nHis Winter Wheat\n\nDirectly after the declaration of war, in 1870, an old friend met Count\nMoltke on the street, and remarked:\n\n\u201cYou must be overburdened with work just now!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh no,\u201d was the cold-blooded answer, \u201cthe work was all done beforehand.\nAll orders are issued, and I have really nothing to do!\u201d\n\nA few minutes later, he met a merchant, with whom he had done business at\nKreisau, who asked him anxiously about the outlook. \u201cWell,\u201d said the old\nField-Marshal in his mildest tone, \u201cI am quite content; my barley crop,\nit is true, was only middling, but my crop of winter wheat promises to be\nimmense and that, as you know, is the main thing.\u201d\n\n\nLooked Like One of Them\n\nOnce, while Moltke was at Ragaz for his health, he walked alone through\nthe woods to the village Pf\u00e4fers. It was very warm and he was thirsty, so\nhe went into the village inn and asked for a drink. The host sat down by\nhim and began:\n\n\u201cI suppose you are a guest at Ragaz?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes.\u201d\n\n\u201cThey say Moltke is there too!\u201d\n\n\u201cYes.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow does he look?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, how should he look? Just like one of us two.\u201d\n\n\nWig Instead of Handkerchief\n\nIt was at Meaux, the night before the siege of Paris began. All the\nChiefs and Generals of the different divisions of the army, were\nassembled in the Field-Marshal\u2019s quarters, discussing plans and studying\nmaps and charts. It was two o\u2019clock in the morning; a big fire was\nburning in the grate; the room was intensely warm.\n\nMoltke, so one of the officers tells us, was in a long dressing gown,\nwithout his wig, was walking up and down, deeply engrossed in thought.\nThe heat made the perspiration stream down our faces. Suddenly one of us\nlooked up to ask the Field-Marshal a question, but stopped short and drew\nthe attention of the others to what he saw.\n\nThe General, too, had found it necessary to wipe the perspiration from\nhis face, but in his preoccupation he had not noticed, that in passing\nhis night-table, he had picked up his wig instead of his handkerchief\nand was vigorously wiping his face with it. He kept it up for some time,\nlooking so exceedingly funny that we broke into shouts of laughter. When\nwe explained, he joined in our mirth.\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER XIII\n\n_Students in the Fatherland_\n\n\nObvious\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cThe old Greeks built their theatres in such a way that the\nspectators sat in an uncovered space.\u201d\n\nFresh student:\u2014\u201cBut what did the old Greeks do when they were at the\ntheatre and it commenced to rain?\u201d\n\nProfessor (thoughtfully taking off his spectacles, polishing them and\nputting them on again):\u2014\u201cWhen it rained at the time the old Greeks were\nat the theatre, the old Greeks got wet.\u201d\n\n\nPerhaps He Was Right\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cHow do you find the size of a triangle?\u201d\n\nStudent (mumbling to himself):\u2014\u201cWhat a fool that Professor is; how should\nI know!\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhat is that? Say it again; perhaps you were right.\u201d\n\n\nA Reminder\n\nProfessor M\u2014\u2014, of K\u00f6nigsberg, whose house faced the cattle market, had\na number of enemies among the hot-headed students. Once when during a\nlecture, they created an uproar, drumming on their desks, he said coldly:\n\u201cGentlemen, for your own sakes I must beg of you not to remind me where I\nlive.\u201d These few words soon restored quiet.\n\n\nLong Buried\n\nProfessor (at a medical examination, showing a human bone):\u2014\u201cCan you\ntell me about how long this bone might have been buried in the earth and\nwhether it is of the male or female sex.\u201d\n\nStudent (after thinking for some time):\u2014\u201cThe bone has been in the earth\nsince the death of its owner, and is of the male sex because we say:\n_Der_ Knochen\u201d (masc. article).\n\n\nRemember Me\n\nProfessor (making a farewell speech):\u2014\u201cAnd now, young gentlemen, as you\nare entering the life of the University, I ask you to avoid all drinking\nbouts. Beer drinking makes stupid students. Remember me!\u201d\n\n\nGave Him Away\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cI have to ask your indulgence for a few minutes. I left my\nmanuscript at home, but my little son will bring it at once.\u201d\n\nThe little son (entering):\u2014\u201cMother could not find the manuscript, so she\nsends you the book from which you copied it.\u201d\n\n\nThe Persistent Creditor\n\nCreditor (who is receiving his money at last):\u2014\u201cThere are still ten marks\nmissing, if you please!\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cI shall deduct those from the amount, for rent, since for the\npast few months you lived at my lodgings more than I did.\u201d\n\n\nWatchman or Donkey\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cHerr Nachtw\u00e4chter (nightwatchman), I wish to ask you something.\nMay I call a Nachtw\u00e4chter a donkey?\u201d\n\nNachtw\u00e4chter:\u2014\u201cJust you take yourself off, before I haul you in.\u201d\n\nStudent (goes, but returns after a few steps):\u2014\u201cNow listen; I have\nanother question. May I call a donkey a Nachtw\u00e4chter?\u201d\n\nNachtw\u00e4chter:\u2014\u201cYou may, for all I care!\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cWell then, good-night, Herr Nachtw\u00e4chter!\u201d\n\n\nHe Had the Watch\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cWhat time is it?\u201d\n\nPawnbroker:\u2014\u201cDid you waken me in the middle of the night to ask me that?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cWhy of course, you\u2019ve got my watch!\u201d\n\n\nKnew His Father\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWell, young man, if your father should borrow a thousand\nmarks, promising to pay them back in yearly instalments of two hundred\nand fifty marks, how much money would he still owe at the end of three\nyears?\u201d\n\n\u201cA thousand marks.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, my dear sir, you don\u2019t even know the rudiments of arithmetic.\u201d\n\n\u201cPossibly not; but I know my father.\u201d\n\n\nAn Acquired Taste\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cHave you heard the latest news? Mischler\u2019s brewery has burned\ndown!\u201d\n\nInnkeeper:\u2014\u201cHow was that possible, with so much material on hand to\nquench fire?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cI can easily explain that. When the flames began to lick the\nbeer, they found they liked it.\u201d\n\n\nTwice Fetched\n\nStudent (coming home in the evening):\u2014\u201cHas my overcoat been fetched, Frau\nMuller?\u201d\n\nLandlady:\u2014\u201cOh yes; twice.\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cHow is that?\u201d\n\nLandlady:\u2014\u201cWell, you see, first I fetched it from the tailor, and\nafterwards the sheriff fetched it from your room.\u201d\n\n\nThe Tell-tale Ticket\n\nThe end of the term has arrived. Freshman Muller has managed, by coaxing\nall his uncles and aunts, to scrape enough capital together, to rescue\nhis dress suit and overcoat from the pawnshop and is now on his way home.\nThe following morning, when the first joy of having him at home again has\nsubsided, his mother begins to look over his clothes. She finds in his\novercoat the ominous pawnshop number, and sending for her son, she asks\nsharply:\n\n\u201cWhat does this number mean?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, at the last University ball I left the coat in the dressing-room,\nand I suppose they stuck the number on.\u201d\n\nOnly half satisfied with this explanation, his mother dismisses him, but\nsoon after sends for him once more.\n\n\u201cNow then, I wish to know if you left your trousers also in the\ndressing-room at that last ball?\u201d\n\n\nWonderful Knowledge\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhat causes the Northern Light?\u201d\n\nStudent (embarrassed):\u2014\u201cI did know it perfectly well, but have forgotten\nit again.\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWhat an enormous loss for science! You are the only human\nbeing who knew it once, and you had to forget it!\u201d\n\n\nCoffee Not Education\n\nPorter (to a lot of students who at an early morning hour, noisily demand\nadmission into a closed caf\u00e9):\u2014\u201cGentlemen, you want to have education?\u201d\n\nStudents:\u2014\u201cNo, coffee!\u201d\n\n\nAn Apt Retort\n\nProfessor (very angry):\u2014\u201cYou are the biggest fool here!\u201d\n\nStudent (excited):\u2014\u201cSir! You are forgetting yourself.\u201d\n\n\nThe Other Side\n\n\u201cIs this the famous Kohlenberg?\u201d asked a stranger of a student whom he\nmet while ascending it.\n\n\u201cYes, sir, very famous and very interesting.\u201d\n\n\u201cWould you have the kindness to tell me,\u201d said the stranger, \u201cwhether\nthere are any legends or other dreadful tales associated with this\nmountain?\u201d\n\n\u201cA whole lot, sir, only recently two young men went up on this side and\nnever came back.\u201d\n\n\u201cHorrible! What became of them?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, they went down on the other side.\u201d\n\n\nHis Occasional Look\n\nIn the waiting-room of a small railway station, a crowd of noisy young\nfellows were making fun of a student, who was walking impatiently up and\ndown, but stopped from time to time to look into the mirror. At last the\nnoisiest of the crowd called out:\n\n\u201cSay, are you in love with yourself, that you look into that glass so\noften?\u201d\n\n\u201cI only want a look at a gentleman now and then,\u201d was the student\u2019s calm\nreply.\n\n\nThe Fifth Drink\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cI drink too much! Why, mother, as a good son, I could not sleep\nwithout having drunk your health. Now the first glass is for the alma\nmater; the second, for the professors; the third, for science in general\nand my special study; the fourth, I must drink to father\u2019s health, so\nit\u2019s only the fifth that I can drain in your honor!\u201d\n\n\nA New Treatment\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cHow do you treat the epidemic diseases prevalent at the\npresent time?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cI treat them with the greatest contempt.\u201d\n\n\nAn Ambiguous Amendment\n\nWhile the cholera was raging at M\u2014\u2014, the police issued an order that\neverybody who went home after ten o\u2019clock at night, must do so without\nmaking any noise whatever, or pay a fine of five gulden. One night\nseveral students who had sat over their beer too long, went home late,\nsinging lustily. The nightwatchman at once accosted them, and asked\nwhether they had not read the order that everybody must go home without\nsinging or making any other noise?\n\n\u201cOf course we have read it,\u201d said one of the students, drily, \u201cbut we are\nnot going home.\u201d This quick-witted answer confused the worthy watchman,\nand he let them go. Next day the following amendment was read under the\norder: \u201cNobody is permitted to sing or make any noise on the street at\nnight, whether they are going home or not.\u201d\n\n\nA Repetition by Request\n\nA student who had failed in his final examination at the University,\nreturned home. At dinner his father asked how his examinations went.\n\n\u201cSo well, that at general request, I have to go all through them again\nshortly.\u201d\n\n\nHe Drank Beer\n\nProfessor (examining a student):\u2014\u201cAnd how do you guard yourself against\nimpure water?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cFirst, I boil it; secondly, I filter it!\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cAnd thirdly?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cI drink beer.\u201d\n\n\nOne Was Enough\n\n\u201cYou are engaged to be married to one of your fellow-students, Suffel?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes; one of us is sure to pass the examination, and that is enough.\u201d\n\n\nPreferred Something Stronger\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t you drink water?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cNever; I tried it once, and almost drowned.\u201d\n\n\nTwo Alike\n\nAmong students. \u201cWhat a spendthrift that Spund is! Day before yesterday\nwas the \u2018First,\u2019 and when I wanted to borrow from him to-day, he hadn\u2019t a\npfennig.\u201d\n\n\nRidiculous Idea\n\nFather (to his son, an extravagant student):\u2014\u201cWhat? You want to start\na coin collection? That looks to me about as funny as it would if our\npoodle started a sausage collection!\u201d\n\n\nDouble Dodging\n\n1st Student:\u2014\u201cWhere do you have your clothes made, Spund?\u201d\n\n2d Student:\u2014\u201cMeyer and Strauss.\u201d\n\n1st Student:\u2014\u201cI should never get a double firm to work for me. Instead of\nhaving to dodge only one creditor, you have to dodge two.\u201d\n\n\nWith Intent\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cGrandmother, you must have been a beautiful girl once!\u201d\n\nGrandmother (taking her pocketbook from her pocket):\u2014\u201cHow much do you\nwant for your bout to-night, you rascal?\u201d\n\n\nShe Knew Students\n\nStudent (renting a room):\u2014\u201cShall I pay the rent in advance, Frau Muller?\u201d\n\nLandlady:\u2014\u201cNo, never mind; I\u2019ll save you the trouble of having to borrow\nit again from me.\u201d\n\n\nImpossible\n\nFr\u00e4ulein:\u2014\u201c... And you risked your life gathering those Alpine roses for\nme? Now just tell the truth, you bought them?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cOh, but gracious Fr\u00e4ulein, how could I\u2014at the end of the month?\u201d\n\n\nWas Prepared\n\nUncle (before examination):\u2014\u201cAre you prepared, Karl?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cOh yes, for the worst.\u201d\n\n\nWorse Than He First Thought\n\nStudent (at a tavern hunting for his overcoat):\u2014\u201cMy overcoat has been\nstolen! Well, the thing isn\u2019t worth much. Luckily the tailor has not been\npaid yet, but there were fifty pfennigs in the pocket! It\u2019s a perfect\noutrage!\u201d\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER XIV\n\n_Women and Children_\n\n\nDifferent Ways of Wooing\n\nThe Diplomat says:\u2014\u201cOh, let us form an everlasting alliance.\u201d\n\nThe Soldier:\u2014\u201cYou gave my heart an incurable wound; or \u2018you came; I saw;\nyou conquered.\u2019\u201d\n\nThe Doctor:\u2014\u201cOnly you can cure my suffering heart.\u201d\n\nThe Florist:\u2014\u201cJust one word from your lips and our path through life\nshall be strewn with roses.\u201d\n\nThe Builder:\u2014\u201cLet us plan our cottage together.\u201d\n\nThe Sailor:\u2014\u201cLoveliest maiden, united to you, I could brave all the\nstorms of life.\u201d\n\nThe Jeweler:\u2014\u201cThis single band shall form a golden chain.\u201d\n\nThe Scientist:\u2014\u201cAh, let me explore your heart and read my happiness in\nyour eyes.\u201d\n\nThe Sculptor:\u2014\u201cIf your heart is not of marble, let my image dwell\ntherein.\u201d\n\nThe Baker:\u2014\u201cWill you share my bread in joy and sorrow?\u201d\n\nThe Candlemaker:\u2014\u201cYou shall be the light of my life.\u201d\n\n\nA Pretty Compliment\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cThe gentleman will surely buy this small bouquet!\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cCertainly, madam, how much is it?\u201d\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cSuppose we say twenty marks?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cMadam, that is too dear for me!\u201d\n\nLady (pressing a kiss on the flowers):\u2014\u201cAnd now, sir?\u201d\n\nGentleman (turning away):\u2014\u201cNow it is altogether beyond my means.\u201d\n\n\nA Habit of His\n\n\u201cMy lady, there is a gentleman down-stairs, who wishes to see you!\u201d\n\n\u201cDid he not give you his name?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo; he said it was not necessary.\u201d\n\n\u201cYou do not know him?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo; he pinched my arms and cheeks.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, that is my brother Gustave.\u201d\n\n\nTender-hearted\n\nYoung Housewife:\u2014\u201cWhy Nanny, how can you be so heartless as to throw\nthose poor lobsters at once into boiling water? They ought to be put on\nin fresh water so they could get used to the heat by degrees!\u201d\n\n\nWhen the Tide Comes In\n\nHe:\u2014\u201cI am going to take a bottle of sea-water home with me as a souvenir\nfrom Norderney!\u201d\n\nShe:\u2014\u201cBut don\u2019t fill it quite full, or it will burst on us when the tide\ncomes in.\u201d\n\n\nMalady to Suit the Place\n\n\u201cSo that is why you are in the dumps, my dear; you want to go to\nWiesbaden, and are ordered to Ems. Don\u2019t be offended, but if ever I pay a\nyearly salary to my family physician, and should want to go to a certain\nwatering place, I would see that he found the proper malady for it.\u201d\n\n\nHe Knew\n\nFather:\u2014\u201cKarl, the stork brought you a little brother last night.\u201d\n\nKarl:\u2014\u201cI know it.\u201d\n\nFather:\u2014\u201cHow\u2019s that?\u201d\n\nKarl:\u2014\u201cI heard you say to the stork as he flew away, \u2018Won\u2019t you take an\numbrella; it is raining very hard.\u2019\u201d\n\n\nA Protection\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cWere you not afraid to travel with your wife through the Abruzzen?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cOh no! my mother-in-law always sat with the driver.\u201d\n\n\nWould Change His Mind\n\n\u201cI assure you, my friend, my son is dead in love with that actress. He\nhas told me repeatedly that he could not live without her.\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, then let him marry her, and he will soon learn to!\u201d\n\n\nRetaliation\n\nA farmer had worked all day in the field in storm and rain, and in the\nevening, came home very tired, and wet to the skin. At the door, his dear\nwife who had been in the house all day met him, and said: \u201cDear husband,\nit has been raining so hard that I could not fetch any water, and so was\nnot able to cook a soup for you. Since you are so wet, fetch a couple of\npails; you can\u2019t get any wetter.\u201d\n\nThere was no disputing this fact, so the man took the pails and went to\nthe distant pump. When he returned to the house, his wife sat cozily by\nthe fire; so he took one pail after the other, poured the water over his\nwife and said: \u201cNow you are just as wet as I am, and you can fetch the\nwater yourself. You can\u2019t get any wetter.\u201d\n\n\nSuited the Case\n\nSophie (to her elderly maiden aunt):\u2014\u201cAuntie, is not \u2018to leave\u2019\nconjugated: I leave, I left, I have been left?\u201d\n\n\nA Worthy Setting\n\nWomen are the pearls of creation, and, as such, expect to be set in gold.\n\n\nWomen\u2019s Rights\n\nSince the fair sex has been talking so much about women\u2019s rights, there\nare fewer of the \u201cright women\u201d on earth.\n\n\nDepends on the Age\n\nWhen the suitor appears, the belle of seventeen asks: \u201cWho is he?\u201d\u2014of\ntwenty-five: \u201cWhat is he?\u201d\u2014and after ten years more: \u201cWhere is he?\u201d\n\n\nExtract From a Love-Letter\n\n\u201cBeloved Anton! I waited in the rain for you to-day at the corner. I hope\nyou have been ill. Shall come again to-morrow. Your true Anna.\u201d\n\n\nEconomical Unhappiness\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t know what is the matter with our Clara; she does not wish\nto go to the balls; she is indifferent to dress; the theatre no longer\ngives her pleasure; and now she even refuses to go to a watering-place\nfor the summer. The girl must love unhappily.\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cGood gracious! how economical! Sarah, could not you love me\nunhappily for once?\u201d\n\n\nNot What He Expected\n\nAdmirer:\u2014\u201cIt gives me the most exquisite pleasure to hear you say that\nyou discover daily how much I am like your sainted husband. Might I ask\nin what I resemble him?\u201d\n\nYoung widow:\u2014\u201cYou have all his bad habits.\u201d\n\n\nTo Please Him\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cYou are lovely in this dress, that is true, but\u2014the money!\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cThat does not count, when the object is to please you!\u201d\n\n\nMust Scream\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cBut, ladies, this loud talking during the concert is\nabominable!\u201d\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cI fully agree with you. One must actually scream, to make oneself\nunderstood.\u201d\n\n\nThe Newest\n\n\u201cYou wish a New Testament, madam?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, but, please, the very newest.\u201d\n\n\nPainted Angels\n\nMother:\u2014\u201cMy daughter does not please you?\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cTo tell the truth, I do not care for paintings.\u201d\n\nMother:\u2014\u201cPardon me, but did you ever see an angel, other than painted?\u201d\n\n\nNo Economy Necessary\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cMiss Helene, please, shall I put a pinch of paprika into the\nchicken-stew?\u201d\n\nMiss Helene (just back from boarding-school):\u2014\u201cWhy, Anna, you do not have\nto be so economical here; put a good big tablespoonful into it.\u201d\n\n\nIgnorant Professor\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cDo tell me, Professor, why we are called the fair sex?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWell, I am sure I don\u2019t know either.\u201d\n\n\nThe Flirt\n\n\u201c... Oh, who dares to deny it! She knows how to chain the men! And\nyet\u2014caprice of nature\u2014she never can chain one man!\u201d\n\n\nThe Convenient Grandmother\n\nYoung Lady:\u2014\u201cCan I get a guide to write love-letters here?\u201d\n\nClerk:\u2014\u201cFor yourself?\u201d\n\nYoung Lady (embarrassed):\u2014\u201cFor myself?\u2014oh, no! for\u2014my\u2014grandmother!\u201d\n\n\nSharpening His Teeth\n\nA housemaid was ordered to go to a guest\u2019s room to tell him that dinner\nwas ready. She found him standing before the looking-glass, tooth-brush\nin hand, cleaning his teeth. She gave her message, and on returning\nto her mistress, said, \u201cThe gentleman will come at once; he is just\nsharpening his teeth.\u201d\n\n\nButter, Then Cheese\n\nA butter-dealer and a cheese-monger were to be godmothers at a\nchristening. At church the latter pushed herself into the place of honor,\nnext to the mother. But the butter-dealer stepped in front of her saying,\n\u201cButter comes before cheese.\u201d\n\n\nThoroughly Washed\n\nYoung wife (fresh from boarding-school):\u2014\u201cOh, Kathi, what are you doing?\nThat fish does not need washing! Why he has been in water all his life.\u201d\n\n\nForethought\n\nTo a Banker. \u201cWhy do you let your daughter marry your cashier?\u201d\n\n\u201cPrecaution, my dear sir; if he ever runs away with the bank\u2019s money, my\ndaughter will, in all probability, get some of it.\u201d\n\n\nTo Suit Her Mourning\n\nAt a Ball. \u201cMay I ask for the first waltz?\u201d\n\n\u201cCertainly\u2014but please, Doctor, dance a little slower; I am still in\nmourning.\u201d\n\n\nInhospitality\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cBut John, my guests drank only three bottles of champagne\nyesterday, and here are four missing.\u201d\n\nJohn:\u2014\u201cDid they drink only three? Well, I didn\u2019t count them,\u2014I don\u2019t\nthink it is nice to watch one\u2019s guests.\u201d\n\n\nToo Literal\n\nIntended Husband:\u2014\u201cYou know, Bertha, I would go to the end of the world\nfor you!\u201d\n\nFianc\u00e9e:\u2014\u201cThen, please, stay a few days longer with us.\u201d\n\nIntended Husband:\u2014\u201cWhy, my dear Bertha, I should lose my return ticket!\u201d\n\n\nA Fatal Mistake\n\nDoctor\u2019s Wife:\u2014\u201cWhy, my dear husband, what are you so dreadfully excited\nabout?\u201d\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cJust think of it! By mistake I signed my name under the\nquestion, \u2018Cause of death,\u2019 in a death certificate!\u201d\n\n\nHer Faulty Geography\n\nAn Eskimo family was being exhibited at the zo\u00f6logical gardens. The young\nwife of an Army officer who had taken her there, asked them, \u201cHow do you\nlike it in Berlin?\u201d and as the Eskimos kept silent, not understanding\nher, the talkative little woman went on, \u201cDon\u2019t you think it\u2019s nicer\nhere, than in Eskimo?\u201d\n\n\nA New Composer\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cDear Emilie, by whom is this magnificent piece, that is being\nplayed?\u201d\n\nEmilie:\u2014\u201cI think it is by \u2018Da Capo,\u2019 an Italian composer, who has written\na great many pieces.\u201d\n\n\nEels by the Yard\n\nYoung Housewife (helping the cook prepare the menu for a\ndinner-party):\u2014\u201cAs second course, we will have baked eel.\u201d\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cHow much shall I order, my lady?\u201d\n\nYoung housewife:\u2014\u201cI think ten yards ought to be enough.\u201d\n\n\nA Hint\n\n\u201cSay, papa, when I am a papa, I\u2019ll make Liesel roast a goose for me, too;\nbut I shall give my little boy some of it.\u201d\n\n\nA Young Lady\u2019s Diary on an Ocean Steamer\n\nFirst Day. Stormy weather; poor company.\n\nSecond Day. Captain very amiable; offers me his heart and hand. Refused.\n\nThird Day. Captain renews his offer. Threatens to kill us both and to\nblow up the vessel with three hundred souls on board. Refused.\n\nFourth Day. Saved three hundred lives.\n\n\nToast to Women\n\n\u201cThe ladies lessen our sorrows, double our joys, and treble our expenses.\nLong may they live!\u201d\n\n\nA Precaution\n\n\u201cAuntie, do you like chocolates?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh yes, little one, I love them!\u201d\n\n\u201cAh! Then I had better ask grandmamma to take care of my box of bonbons.\u201d\n\n\nA Novice in Gardening\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cJust think, little wife, I saw the first asparagus in the\ngarden. Would it give you pleasure to cut it yourself?\u201d\n\nYoung Housewife (trying to hide her ignorance in this direction):\u2014\u201cI tell\nyou what, Adolf; we\u2019ll go together. You pick it off, while I hold the\nladder.\u201d\n\n\nPoor Memory\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cWill you please tell me, madam, where you buy your sausages?\u201d\n\nMistress:\u2014\u201cOn Humboldt Street.\u201d\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cI am afraid I can\u2019t remember that.\u201d\n\nMistress:\u2014\u201cJust think of the Kosmos.\u201d\n\n\nA Different Meaning\n\nBride:\u2014\u201cWhat is the name of that beautiful star over there?\u201d\n\nBridegroom:\u2014\u201cThat is Venus.\u201d\n\nBride:\u2014\u201cWhat does it mean?\u201d\n\nBridegroom:\u2014\u201cThe happiness of love!\u201d\n\n\nTwenty Years Later\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cWhat is the name of that beautiful star over there?\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cIt\u2019s the evening star; don\u2019t know the name of it.\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cDo you know what it means?\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cThat it is getting night.\u201d\n\n\nHard on Him\n\nA flirt is a rose, of whom each plucks a leaf; the thorns remain for the\nfuture husband.\n\n\nHer Idea of Rome\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cYou were some time in Italy, Baroness; how did you like Rome?\u201d\n\nBaroness:\u2014\u201cRome? Just wait a moment! (To her daughter.) Emma, was it not\nat Rome where we bought those poor gloves?\u201d\n\n\nMisunderstood\n\nBaroness (returning home):\u2014\u201cMaria, I cannot suffer you to take your\nsweetheart into the kitchen!\u201d\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cYour ladyship is very kind, but my sweetheart would not go into\nthe salon!\u201d\n\n\nNot Men Pleasers\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cI wish you would tell why you women are forever dressing up and\nhave to have such a lot of new clothes all the time; do you think such\nextravagance pleases the men?\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cOh, we don\u2019t care to please the men; we want to make the other\nwomen jealous!\u201d\n\n\nDepends on the Kind\n\nLittle Fritz (to the cook):\u2014\u201cAnna, how do you spell \u2018sauce\u2019?\u201d\n\nCook:\u2014\u201cSauce? Well, you see, Fritz, there are so many different kinds of\nsauce!\u201d\n\n\nA Question of Likes\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cMein Fr\u00e4ulein, do you like sauerkraut?\u201d\n\nFr\u00e4ulein:\u2014\u201cWhy, what a queer question to ask me!\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cWell, you see, I love the little sausages that go with it, so\nif you liked sauerkraut, we should match beautifully.\u201d\n\n\nThought for the Future\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWell, dear Elise, after passing such a brilliant examination,\nI suppose you will settle down at once to practice law?\u201d\n\nStudent:\u2014\u201cOh, no, I am going to enter the government service; else my\nfuture husband would not receive a\u2014pension.\u201d\n\n\nConclusive Evidence\n\nA little girl was heard holding the following monologue:\n\n\u201cDid God really make the whole world? I couldn\u2019t do it. It must have been\ndreadfully hard. But I know one thing He didn\u2019t make, this washrag of my\ndoll\u2019s; I knitted that myself, the dear Lord can\u2019t knit.\u201d\n\n\nMisery Loves Company\n\nLittle Carl had been scolded a good many times for dropping and breaking\nthings. One day his mother happened to drop and break a cup. \u201cWhy,\nmother, now you are a naughty boy, too!\u201d exclaimed the little one.\n\n\nUncle and the Donkey\n\nThere is nothing like a jolly and good-natured uncle in a family. What\nfun the children have with him! Just now they are all hanging around him\nwaiting for what is coming next.\n\n\u201cNow, young gentleman,\u201d he says to the oldest, \u201cI am going to give you a\nriddle. It is gray, has rather large ears, and you can ride on it; what\nis it?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy uncle, that is you,\u201d cries the youngest, joyfully.\n\n\nThe Unsuccessful Ruse\n\nLittle Anna was ill in bed, and could not be induced to take her pill.\nHer clever mamma hid it in a preserved pear and gave her that. After a\nwhile she asked: \u201cWell, my darling, have you eaten your pear?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes, mamma,\u201d answered the little one, \u201call but the pit.\u201d\n\n\nAn Ancient Fowl\n\nElsie (who, with her mamma, is dining off a very tough chicken at a\nrailway station):\u2014\u201cMamma, don\u2019t you think this chicken must have been\nhatched from a hard boiled egg?\u201d\n\n\nA Classical Maid\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cHas the Baron not been here yet to-day?\u201d\n\nMaid:\u2014\u201cEverything has been here once,\u201d says Lessing, \u201cbut\u2014the Baron has\nnot been here yet.\u201d\n\n\nFrom the Diary of a Singer\n\nMonday:\u2014\u201cA\u00efda.\u201d Starved with my lover in the prison cell.\n\nTuesday:\u2014Sang \u201cGilda\u201d in \u201cRigoletto.\u201d Was murdered and dragged from the\nstage in a bag.\n\nWednesday:\u2014In \u201cTraviata\u201d I sang \u201cVioletta,\u201d and coughed\nvirtuos-tuberculos, my life away.\n\nThursday:\u2014As \u201cSelika\u201d (in l\u2019Africaine) died from the poisonous odor of\nthe Manzanillen tree.\n\nFriday:\u2014Sang the \u201cJewess,\u201d and as a _finale_ was thrown into a kettle of\nboiling oil.\n\nSaturday:\u2014As \u201cSulamithe\u201d in the \u201cQueen of Saba\u201d was suffocated in the\nSimoom of the desert.\n\nSunday:\u2014\u201cHamlet\u201d and I as \u201cOphelia\u201d drowned\u2014under a storm of applause\u2014in\nthe brook. How beautiful it is, to be able to devote one\u2019s art and one\u2019s\nlife to give _pleasure_ to one\u2019s fellow-men!\n\n\nDeep Mourning\n\nCount:\u2014\u201cGracious lady, are you not dancing to-night?\u201d\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cNot till after midnight, Count.\u201d\n\nCount:\u2014\u201cWhy not until then?\u201d\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cBecause to-day is the anniversary of my husband\u2019s death.\u201d\n\n\nWithout Nerves\n\nMother (coming home, meeting her children):\u2014\u201cWhy, children, how you do\nlook; where have you been?\u201d\n\nWalter:\u2014\u201cAt the Major\u2019s, across the street, mamma, and didn\u2019t we have a\ngreat time playing!\u201d\n\nElsa:\u2014\u201cAnd just think, mamma, Clara\u2019s mother has no nerves at all!\u201d\n\n\nUnaccountable Stupidity\n\nFanny had succeeded in coaxing her mother to take her to hear\n\u201cLohengrin.\u201d During the performance she turns to her mother and says:\n\u201cWhy, mamma, how stupid of Elsa to ask Lohengrin his name, when all she\nhad to do was to look at the program!\u201d\n\n\nA Gentle Hint\n\n\u201cAh, sir, if ever I should have grandchildren, I could not wish them a\nbetter father than yourself!\u201d\n\n\nA Suggestive Question\n\n\u201cSo sad to-day, Miss Alice?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes; I am very unhappy!\u201d\n\n\u201cMay I ask why?\u201d\n\n\u201cPapa told me just now, that we are going home to-morrow.\u201d\n\n\u201cAm I perhaps the happy one, on whose account you are so very unhappy?\u201d\n\n\nThe Swan Song\n\n\u201cIs it true, mamma, that swans sing before they die?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, my child! but come, stop feeding them or you will make them ill.\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is just what I want to do. I am going to feed them till they die. I\ndo want to hear a swan-song, so much!\u201d\n\n\nA Slight Misunderstanding\n\n\u201cSo you have but just returned from a trip to Paris! You visited the\nLouvre, I suppose?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, certainly, was so delighted with it, that I went all over it!\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd which one of the many magnificent pictures pleased you most,\nBaroness?\u201d\n\n\u201cPictures? I did not see any pictures; the velvet coats charmed me most!\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, then you were at the dry-goods store \u2018Louvre\u2019!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy, where else did you think?\u201d\n\n\nThe Boy Understood\n\nMinister (who has a few boy boarders):\u2014\u201cSo you have sunk so low, Fritz,\nas to steal my milk from the cellar! But who is it, from whom you can\nconceal nothing; who sees everything; before whom I myself am nothing but\na grain of sand?\u201d\n\nFritz (weeping):\u2014\u201cYour wife, sir!\u201d\n\n\nA Child\u2019s Request\n\nThe mother, on leaving the room, warns her little daughter: \u201cDon\u2019t think\nof taking a pear from the basket when I am gone; you know, little one,\nthat if I cannot see you, the dear Lord can.\u201d Mother gone, the little\ngirl can\u2019t resist the temptation, and looking up to heaven, she says, in\na pleading voice: \u201cDear Lord, do please turn around!\u201d\n\n\nThe Order of Things\n\n\u201cMamma, I know how things in this world are ordered,\u201d said little Bertha,\nwho had just administered a severe rebuke to her doll. \u201cThe doll must\nmind me; I must mind the nurse; the nurse must mind you; you must mind\npapa; papa must mind the Emperor; the Emperor must mind God; and God\u2014\u2014\u201d\nhere she stopped, thought a moment, and then said decidedly\u2014\u201cand God must\nmind Bismarck.\u201d\n\n\nA Large Hood\n\n\u201cThe dear Lord must wear a very large hood, mamma!\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy so, child?\u201d\n\n\u201cBecause at school we always pray:\n\n    \u201c\u2018Make us, dear Lord, pious and good,\n    And take us all beneath Thy hood!\u2019\u201d\n\n\nNot to Her Liking\n\nA pretty little girl was often hurt by the way the neighbors and servants\ntalked about her red hair. One day her grandmother tried to comfort her,\nsaying: \u201cDear child, God made your hair, and everything He does is well\ndone.\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, but then I would rather He would not make anything more for me,\u201d\ndeclared the little one.\n\n\nHer Fears\n\nLittle Elsie was at a children\u2019s party with her nurse. In the evening\nthere were fireworks set off. When the first sky-rocket went up, the\nchild began to cry bitterly, calling to her nurse in a voice full of\nfear, \u201cThey are shooting the dear Lord!\u201d\n\n\nOnly the Repair Angel\n\nLieschen, on Christmas day with her new doll:\u2014\u201cSee, Hannchen, what a\nbeautiful new doll the Christ-child has brought me!\u201d\n\nHannchen (with an old, but repaired doll):\u2014\u201cMy mamma said that only the\nrepair angel came to us this year.\u201d\n\n\nA Question of Belief\n\nAt the examination the children were to say the creed before the\nsuperintendent. It was practiced so that three children were each to say\none article.\n\nThe first began: \u201cI believe in God the Father\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nThe superintendent skipped the second, and asked the third: \u201cGo on,\nchild!\u201d\n\n\u201cI believe in the Holy Ghost!\u201d\n\n\u201cNo; I believe in Jesus Christ!\u201d\n\n\u201cNo I don\u2019t believe in Him. He believes in Him,\u201d said the boy, pointing\ntowards his overlooked neighbor.\n\n\n\n\nCHAPTER XV\n\n_Miscellaneous_\n\n\nA Rope Without End\n\nTwo sailors were winding up a rope, and did not finish as quickly as they\nexpected.\n\n\u201cWhere in the world,\u201d cried one of them impatiently, \u201cis that end?\u201d\n\n\u201cI bet,\u201d returned the other, \u201cthey have cut it off.\u201d\n\n\nThe Long Dressing-gown\n\nThe wife of a well-known Berliner presented him on his birthday with a\ndressing-gown. Agreeably surprised, he tried it on, but found that it\nwas about six inches too long. In the night a violent storm occurred.\nThe anxious wife arose and, to pass the time, took the dressing-gown and\nshortened it. Then she retired again.\n\nNow, with the family lived a very active sister-in-law, who was in the\nhabit of rising very early. On this morning she saw the dressing-gown,\nand thinking to please her brother-in-law, she took it down and\nshortened it six inches more. After breakfast the two ladies went to\nmarket, and the husband, thinking of his dressing-gown, before going\nto business, ordered the cook to take it to the tailor, and have it\nshortened about six inches. In the afternoon the tailor returned it\u2014a\njacket with tails.\n\n\nA Suabian Prussian-hater\n\n\u201cWe are nowhere, since we joined the Prussians; we must be soldiers, we\nmust pay taxes, and we must keep our mouths shut!\u201d\n\n\u201cNow, tell the truth, Hans; when were you a soldier? When did you pay\ntaxes, and when did you ever keep your mouth shut?\u201d\n\n\nEqual to the Occasion\n\nA clergyman living near Rastock, had an old man, one of his farm-hands,\ndrive him to Warnem\u00fcnde to inspect a man-of-war. On the way he talked\nabout the big vessel they were going to see.\n\n\u201cOh,\u201d said his farm-hand, \u201cI\u2019ve seen a vessel like that often enough.\u201d\n\n\u201cWhere did you ever see a man-of-war?\u201d\n\n\u201cAt Portsmouth, when my regiment was shipped.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow did you get to Portsmouth?\u201d\n\n\u201cWe came there from Quebec. I was stationed in Canada a long time. Lots\nof Indians there. They loafed around the streets, even their color wasn\u2019t\nlike ours.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut how did you get there?\u201d\n\n\u201cFrom Gibraltar, where it\u2019s dreadfully hot, and nothing is there but\nstones and rocks. Oh yes, they\u2019ve monkeys and loads of dust.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut how in the world did you happen to strike Gibraltar?\u201d\n\n\u201cWent with the Englishmen.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd how did you get among the Englishmen?\u201d\n\nThe farm-hand scratched his head, grinned, and said: \u201cI ran away from\nhere, because I did not want to be a soldier.\u201d\n\n\nThe Last Train\n\n\u201cCould you tell me when the last train for Potsdam is going to leave?\u201d\nasked a traveler of his neighbor at the station.\n\n\u201cWell,\u201d said he dryly, \u201cI don\u2019t suppose either of us will live to catch\nit.\u201d\n\n\nA Questionable Dish\n\nA German merchant dining with a Chinese Mandarin at Hongkong, seemed to\nbe very much pleased with the foreign dishes. He had just been enjoying\na roast, when the disquieting thought struck him, that he might have been\ndining off a cat, as he had been told that the Chinese ate cats as well\nas rats. He determined to find out. But unluckily the Chinaman did not\nspeak German, and the German did not understand Chinese, so the latter\npointed at the dish saying: \u201cMiau, miau!\u201d\n\n\u201cWow, wow!\u201d said the Chinaman, shaking his head.\n\n\nThe Host Could Not Leave\n\nAt a large evening party, one of the guests stood in a corner yawning.\n\n\u201cAre you very much bored, sir?\u201d asked his neighbor.\n\n\u201cYes, dreadfully,\u201d was the answer. \u201cAnd you?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh I am bored to death too.\u201d\n\n\u201cHow would it do, to clear out together?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am sorry I can\u2019t; I am the host.\u201d\n\n\nProof Without Doubt\n\n\u201cSay, do you think we need the sun more than the moon?\u201d asked one\ncorner-lounger of another.\n\n\u201cWhat a foolish question,\u201d replied the other; \u201cof course we need the\nmoon more; it\u2019s light enough in daytime anyhow.\u201d\n\n\nA Question of Numbers\n\nProfessor (to a shepherd):\u2014\u201cA shepherd once told me that black sheep eat\na great deal less than the white ones. I supposed he told me a story?\u201d\n\nShepherd:\u2014\u201cNo, not at all!\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cWell, how is that?\u201d\n\nShepherd:\u2014\u201cWhy, you know there are a great many more white ones than\nblack ones.\u201d\n\n\nDifference of Opinion\n\nA young officer and a clergyman met at a party. The former, intending to\nbe witty, said: \u201cIf I had a stupid son, I would make a clergyman of him!\u201d\n\nThe clergyman replied: \u201cHow opinions differ! Your sainted father thought\notherwise.\u201d\n\n\nHe Could Not Swim\n\n\u201cWhich one of you can swim?\u201d asked a gentleman who wished to be rowed\nacross the lake. At once a number of boatmen surrounded him, crying:\n\n\u201cI, sir; I!\u201d Only one remained at a distance.\n\n\u201cCan you not swim?\u201d he asked the man.\n\n\u201cNo, sir,\u201d answered the boatman.\n\n\u201cThen you are the one to row me over.\u201d\n\n\nGave What They Wished\n\nDuring war time a parson wished to rouse his congregation to more\nenthusiastic patriotism, so, when addressing them one day, he cried: \u201cHa!\nAlready I see the enemy coming, see him enter your village, burn your\nhomes, take away your wives and daughters! Yes, they are coming, they are\nnear; do you see the flags waving? Do you hear the beating of the drums?\u201d\nat the same time drumming on the pulpit with both fists. Immediately\nthe schoolmaster behind the pulpit imitated the blowing of a bugle. The\nparson turning around, whispered: \u201cSchoolmaster, what are you doing?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am helping you, sir,\u201d he replied. \u201cI know our farmers. Infantry alone\nwon\u2019t do; you want cavalry too.\u201d\n\n\nLocated at Last\n\nIn one of Munich\u2019s streets, a crowd had gathered around a little lost\nboy. He answered all questions as to his name, where he lived, with: \u201cI\ndon\u2019t know.\u201d There seemed nothing left to do, but to take him to the\npolice station, when some knowing fellow had a bright thought. He planted\nhimself in front of the boy saying, \u201cNow you just tell me, sonny, where\ndo you buy your beer?\u201d\n\n\u201cAt the Franziskaner,\u201d was the quick reply. There he was taken and was\nsoon identified.\n\n\nA Wife\u2019s Ten Commandments\n\n1. Beware of the first quarrel. When it comes, fight it out bravely to\nthe end; it is of far-reaching consequence, that you should come out\nvictorious.\n\n2. Never forget that you are married to a man, not to a God; then his\nshortcomings will not surprise you.\n\n3. Do not pester him continually for money, but try to get along with\nyour weekly allowance.\n\n4. If your husband should not possess a heart, he undoubtedly owns a\nstomach; you will be wise, if you try to gain his favor with well-cooked\nfood.\n\n5. Now and then, not too often, let him have the last word; it pleases\nhim and you lose nothing by it.\n\n6. Read something besides the death and birth-notices in the paper; it\nwill surprise him occasionally, that he can talk about current events\nand politics at home, without having to go to the tavern for it.\n\n7. Always, even when quarreling, be polite to him. Remember that you\nlooked up to him before marriage; don\u2019t look down on him now.\n\n8. At appropriate intervals permit him to know more than you do; it will\npreserve his dignity, and it will be to your advantage to acknowledge,\nnow and then, that you are not infallible.\n\n9. Be your husband\u2019s friend, if he is clever; if he is not, try to\nelevate him to be yours; never descend to his level.\n\n10. Respect your husband\u2019s relatives, particularly his mother; she has\nloved him longer than you have!\n\n\nTempi Passati\n\n\u201cI count on your taking part in our charity-concert, Doctor. I have often\nhad occasion to admire your beautiful voice.\u201d\n\n\u201cI regret exceedingly, sir, but since I have been married I have no\nlonger a voice.\u201d\n\n\nForgot His Name\n\nProfessor Schnudlich (to letter-carrier):\u2014\u201cAny letters for me?\u201d\n\nLetter-carrier:\u2014\u201cWhat is your name?\u201d\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cMy\u2014my\u2014well now, I can\u2019t think of my own name! I am always\nforgetting something! And my wife, Frau Professor Schnudlich, is away\ntoo. She could tell it to you instantly.\u201d\n\n\nThe Lion\u2019s Share\n\n\u201cHow starved this lion looks, and yet the city allows a lot of money for\ntheir food!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, I suppose the keeper takes the lion\u2019s share.\u201d\n\n\nA Pious Wish\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cThen you refuse me your daughter\u2019s hand, sir? Ah, would that\nmy grief might soften your heart!\u201d\n\nBanker:\u2014\u201cI am sorry, sir, but in this instance I don\u2019t follow my heart,\nbut my brain.\u201d\n\nLieutenant:\u2014\u201cAnd may I not hope for a softening of the brain?\u201d\n\n\nThe End in Sight\n\nA tradesman punished his erring apprentice, saying, at the same time,\n\u201cHow much longer are you going to serve the evil one?\u201d\n\nThe boy replied, \u201cYou ought to know best, master; I believe my time is up\nin four months.\u201d\n\n\nFlattering Likeness\n\nOne beautiful summer afternoon, Herr Fraulich decided to take his family\nfor a drive on the Prater in Vienna. After spending two hours over her\ntoilet his wife appeared at last, leading their little son.\n\n\u201cOh Kathi,\u201d cried the husband, when he saw them, \u201chow could you dress the\nchild up like that! He looks simply crazy! I am not going to take you out\nthis way. I don\u2019t want people to think that I am parading a monkey.\u201d\n\nOn this there was an exchange of sharp words, but finally the husband\ngave in and they set out. But on the stairs, Herr Fraulich, to spoil\nhis wife\u2019s triumph, said, \u201cYou may say just what you like, I stick to\nit\u2014Franz looks just like a monkey.\u201d\n\nAt the house-door they met a friend. She greeted them, kissed little\nFranz, and remarked:\n\n\u201cWhat an angel of a child your Franz is\u2014the very image of his father!\u201d\n\n\nThe Stove Smoked\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cI am glad you like the room, sir. I hope you don\u2019t mind smoke!\u201d\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cOh no, I smoke a great deal myself.\u201d\n\nServant:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s good; the stove here does too.\u201d\n\n\nA Novelty\n\nDude:\u2014\u201cPshaw! Life is stale! I believe I\u2019ll kill myself some day. But\nhow?\u201d\n\n\u201cHave a thought shoot through your head for once.\u201d\n\n\nA Wonderful Cure\n\nA gentleman who had trouble with his eyes went to an oculist to have\nthem examined. The physician took the eye out, put it on the table,\nand examined the socket. When he turned around he was horrified to see\nthe cat in the act of swallowing the eye. He grabbed her, carried her\noutside, took out one of her eyes, and returning to the consulting room,\nreplaced the gentleman\u2019s with the cat\u2019s eye, and told him to come back in\na week.\n\nWhen the patient returned the oculist asked him if he could see.\n\n\u201cOh, yes,\u201d he answered; \u201cI can see by day as well as by night.\u201d\n\n\u201cDo you sleep well?\u201d\n\n\u201cSo, so! One of the eyes sleeps soundly, but it\u2019s strange, the other\nseems to be constantly on the lookout for mice.\u201d\n\n\nNo Apology Necessary\n\nA missionary was invited to a dinner at which the daughters of the house\nappeared in low-neck dresses. The host thought it necessary to apologize\nfor the fashion. \u201cOh,\u201d said the missionary, \u201cI don\u2019t mind it at all. I\nought to be used to it, having spent ten years among the aborigines.\u201d\n\n\nMore Reliable\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cI believe you love your pipe better than you do me!\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cWell, that doesn\u2019t go out as much as you do!\u201d\n\n\nEasily Explained\n\nSon:\u2014\u201cIs it true, father, that there are people living on the moon?\u201d\n\nFather (not wishing to betray his ignorance):\u2014\u201cCertainly, son.\u201d\n\nSon:\u2014\u201cBut what becomes of the people when the moon wanes?\u201d\n\nFather:\u2014\u201cThey wane too.\u201d\n\n\nA Karlsbad Scheme\n\n\u201cWhat doctor have you, Rosenthal?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhat doctor? My neighbor in the next room has a doctor. When he comes\nto see him, I listen at the door, and whatever he orders, I do. What need\nhave I, then, to spend a lot of good money on a doctor?\u201d\n\n\nA Good Financier\n\n\u201cWill you tell me, my dear friend, how you manage, that you are never\npressed for money, but always have plenty of it?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat is very simple; I never pay old debts.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut how about the new ones?\u201d\n\n\u201cI let them grow old.\u201d\n\n\nWhy Eve Had no Servant\n\n\u201cThere is a great deal of talk about women\u2019s faults, and the reasons why\nthey need so much waiting upon. The question has even been asked\u2014by a man\nof course,\u2014why the dear Lord, in making Eve, from one of Adam\u2019s ribs, did\nnot make a servant for her at the same time.\n\n\u201cWe are able to answer this question satisfactorily. She simply did not\nneed a servant.\n\n\u201cAnd why not? Because Adam never came to Eve, lamenting over a pair of\ntorn socks, asking her to darn them, or with a shirt that had parted\ncompany with its buttons, or with a pair of ripped gloves that wanted\nmending at once. Neither did he walk around in the mud smoking cigars and\nthen come back with boots that needed blacking.\n\n\u201cNeither did he sit yawning behind a newspaper, and, as soon as the sun\nwent down, ask gruffly: \u2018Will supper be ready soon?\u2019\n\n\u201cInstead of this, Adam lit the fire himself, put the kettle on, pulled\nthe radishes, pared the potatoes, and, in general, did his duty. He was\nsatisfied with one dish, and did not grumble, if Eve did happen to make\na mess of it for once. They didn\u2019t bother with serviettes, they used a\npalmleaf. He didn\u2019t put a boiled shirt in the wash every day. He milked\nthe cows and fed the chickens. He never brought half a dozen friends to\ndinner, when one was not in the least prepared for them. He did not stay\nout late at night playing cards; it was not necessary for Eve to sit up\nand worry. He didn\u2019t lounge around saloons, while Eve sat at home rocking\nlittle Cain. He never scolded and looked for his slippers in the corner\nwhere \u2018he knew\u2019 he had put them. When he took off his boots, he put them\nin their place under the fig-tree.\n\n\u201cIn short\u2014he did not think that Eve had been created for the sole purpose\nof waiting upon him; he did not harbor the fixed idea, that it was\ndegrading to a man to lighten his wife\u2019s burdens. These are the reasons,\ngentlemen, why Eve had no need of a servant.\u201d\n\n\nWould Suit Exactly\n\nA vivacious woman, who was talking to a statesman about the Woman\u2019s\nRights question, suddenly asked:\n\n\u201cWhat position would you give me if women filled government positions as\nwell as the men?\u201d\n\n\u201cI would give you the management of a deaf and dumb asylum.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd why?\u201d\n\n\u201cBecause those unfortunates would either have to learn to talk or you\nwould have to learn to keep silent.\u201d\n\n\nReason\n\nReason is the only thing we can lose without ever having possessed it.\n\n\nThere Would Be No Use\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t you love Heine?\u201d\n\nOld Maid:\u2014\u201cWhy should I? The man is dead!\u201d\n\n\nGood Advice\n\n\u201cWaiter, close those windows; there is a draught, and I am suffering with\nrheumatism. I can\u2019t have the door open, either, or my feet get cold, and\ndon\u2019t you go and wipe those tables, you\u2019ll raise a dust and I have a\ncough! My tea must not be strong either, as I am nervous.\u201d\n\n\u201cIf I were you, I would go to a hospital and be put in an incubator.\u201d\n\n\nAppropriate to Men\n\nGentleman:\u2014\u201cAt fifty we may call the ladies \u2018old women,\u2019 may we not,\ngracious lady?\u201d\n\nLady:\u2014\u201cCertainly, and many men much sooner.\u201d\n\n\nA Distinction\n\nSome one says of the residents of Munich: \u201cWhen they rise in the morning\nthey are beer barrels, and when they retire at night they are barrels of\nbeer.\u201d\n\n\nCheap Communication\n\nFather (to his son going on a long journey):\u2014\u201cBenjamin, when you arrive\nat Krotoschin, you needn\u2019t waste any paper writing a letter. I\u2019ll give\nyou a stamped envelope addressed to me; you just mail that, and I\u2019ll know\nthat you arrived safely.\u201d\n\nSon:\u2014\u201cFather, you can save the postage. I\u2019ll mail it without the stamp,\nand you just refuse to take it.\u201d\n\n\nObjected to Her Mother\n\nMother:\u2014\u201cI wish you would tell me, Franz, why you don\u2019t want to marry\nFr\u00e4ulein Neumann. I tell you, the girl is a pearl.\u201d\n\nSon:\u2014\u201cThat is quite possible, but I don\u2019t like the mother-of-pearl.\u201d\n\n\nHis Confession\n\nA thief while at confession, stole the confessor\u2019s watch.\n\n\u201cI have stolen,\u201d declared the thief.\n\n\u201cThen you must give the stolen article back to its owner,\u201d said the\npriest.\n\n\u201cI will give it to you.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, I don\u2019t want it.\u201d\n\n\u201cBut if the owner won\u2019t take it,\u201d asked the thief, \u201cwhat shall I do then?\u201d\n\n\u201cThen, in God\u2019s name, keep it,\u201d answered the unsuspecting priest.\n\n\nA la Munchausen\n\nA:\u2014\u201cLook, on the weather-vane of that church-tower sits a fly.\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cYes, I see him, and what\u2019s more, he is yawning just now, and has a\nhollow tooth in his mouth.\u201d\n\n\nHe Found Them\n\nThree wags met an old Jew. \u201cGood-morning, Father Abraham!\u201d cried the\nfirst. \u201cGood-morning, Father Isaac!\u201d the second. \u201cGood-morning, Father\nJacob!\u201d the third.\n\n\u201cYou are mistaken, gentlemen,\u201d said the Jew; \u201cI am neither Abraham, nor\nIsaac, nor Jacob; I am Saul, who went to look for his father\u2019s asses, and\nI\u2019ve found them, I\u2019ve found them!\u201d\n\n\nA Horse-thief\u2019s Excuse\n\n\u201cYou villain,\u201d said the judge to the horse-thief, just brought before\nhim, \u201chow did you dare to steal a horse from the street, in the middle of\nthe day?\u201d\n\n\u201cI steal a horse?\u201d returned the thief. \u201cLet me tell your Honor, that in a\nvery narrow street a horse stood right in my way. I was in a hurry, and\nwanted to drive him on in front of me when a voice cried, \u2018Take care,\nthat horse kicks!\u2019 Then I tried to push past him, and go my way, when\nsomebody called out, \u2018Hold on, that beast bites!\u2019 Now what else could I\ndo, if I did not want to be bitten, but to jump on him as quickly as I\ncould? And I had hardly touched the saddle when the impatient horse takes\nthe bit between his teeth and runs. He took me fourteen miles, and that\nis how I came to be here, your Honor. Now did I steal that horse, or did\nthat horse steal me?\u201d\n\n\nThe Henpecked Husband\n\nDoctor (to a patient whose wife died six months before):\u2014\u201cYou may live a\ngood many years yet, if you are careful.\u201d\n\nPatient:\u2014\u201cThat\u2019s all right, Doctor, but just think of the reception my\nsainted wife will give me if I keep her waiting so long.\u201d\n\n\nWithout Charm\n\n\u201cWell, Louise, as the wife of such a promising physician, you must lead a\ncharming life!\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, yes! a very charming life, to sit all day long, muffled up to my\neyes, in the waiting room, making believe I\u2019m a patient!\u201d\n\n\nThe Janus Statue at Munich\n\n\u201cOh say, I like this statue!\u201d\n\n\u201cSo do I; just think of having two throats, and to be permitted to carry\nthe door-key!\u201d\n\n\nConscientious\n\n\u201cSarah,\u201d said Moritz one morning to his wife, \u201cSarah, offer me one\nhundred and fifty marks for my hops!\u201d\n\nSarah:\u2014\u201cWell, I offer you one hundred and fifty marks for your hops.\u201d\n\nMoritz then went to the hop market where a dealer offered him one hundred\nmarks for his crop.\n\n\u201cWhat,\u201d cries Moritz, indignantly, \u201cone hundred marks! May the lightning\nstrike me, if I haven\u2019t already been offered to-day one hundred and fifty\nmarks.\u201d\n\n\nIn the Laundry\n\nNeighbor:\u2014\u201cWhat in the world is your husband doing in the laundry all\nmorning?\u201d\n\nThe Poet\u2019s Wife (angrily):\u2014\u201cHe is forever writing his poetry on his\ncuffs! Now he is hunting in the wash-boiler, for the fourth verse of his\nlast poem.\u201d\n\n\nHis Love for Lilacs\n\n\u201cMy wife is attention personified! Some time ago I happened to mention\nthat I loved all lilacs\u2014and what do you suppose I saw, when my birthday\ncame around?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell\u2014a beautiful bouquet of lilacs on the table.\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, sir! My wife, in a new lilac dress!\u201d\n\n\nHis Mistake\n\nHerr Schanz, of Berlin, came to W. on a pleasure trip. He stopped at the\nhotel \u201cKrone,\u201d and was given a room on the third floor.\n\nThat night he started for home feeling a little muddled. He lost his way,\nand strayed into the hotel \u201cKronprince\u201d on the same street, which was\nonly two stories high. When he reached the second floor and saw the roof\nabove him, he shook his heavy head incredulously, and shouted down the\nstairs, \u201cSay, porter, what kind of a monkey-shine is this? What\u2019s become\nof that third story?\u201d\n\n\nPopularity\u2014A Fable\n\n\u201cYou need not be so proud of your flowers,\u201d said the thorns to the\nrose-bush. \u201cIt is to us you owe the greater part of your popularity!\u201d\n\n\nAsked Too Much\n\n\u201cWhat! your parents wish to force you to marry that old banker!\u201d\n\n\u201cIndeed they do, and what is more, they want me to study medicine, as he\nis always ailing!\u201d\n\n\nA Reliable Guide\n\n\u201cGood gracious, fellow, did I not order you to burn all my old\nlove-letters, and here I find them bound on your table?\u201d\n\n\u201cPlease excuse me, Captain, but my cook always wanted a guide for\nlove-letters, and so I thought yours would do nicely!\u201d\n\n\nAn Adjustment of Accounts\n\nHost (to a stranger who is settling his account):\u2014\u201cI am two marks short\nof your change. Let me look at the account again, perhaps I can think of\nsomething else to put down!\u201d\n\n\nClaims to Greatness\n\nA:\u2014\u201cWho is the gentleman, to whom you were speaking a while ago?\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cAh, that\u2019s a great man! He is one of the ten-thousand foremost\nwriters of our day!\u201d\n\n\nCaught\n\nGentleman (in a cigar store):\u2014\u201cCan you recommend that brand of cigars,\n\u2018Ne plus Ultra\u2019 with a good conscience.\u201d\n\nDealer:\u2014\u201cCertainly, sir; they are absolutely perfect and remarkably\ncheap.\u201d\n\nGentleman (smilingly lighting one of them):\u2014\u201cI am very glad to hear you\nsay so\u2014all the more, since you wrote to me, that they were not fit to\nsmoke, and not worth half the money I charged you for them. I am the\nmanufacturer!\u201d\n\n\nA Shopping Aid\n\n\u201cThe best thing for us to do, my dear Edward, will be to get an\nautomobile. If we ride up to the dry-goods store in one of these, we can\nget enough goods on credit, so that we can live well by simply pawning\nthem.\u201d\n\n\nThe Very Latest\n\n\u201cSince your future husband is so devoted to all kinds of sports, I\nsuppose you will make your wedding trip in a balloon?\u201d\n\n\u201cWhy no, that is out of date,\u2014in a submarine vessel.\u201d\n\n\nA Select Neighborhood\n\n\u201cThe people living in our part of the city are of that class who can pawn\ntheir automobiles during the carnival season.\u201d\n\n\nTricks of Fate\n\n\u201cWell, how is your flying-machine progressing?\u201d\n\n\u201cI am sorry to say, it fell into the ocean.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd how far along are you with your submarine boat?\u201d\n\n\u201cThat flew up into the air!\u201d\n\n\nAnother Consideration\n\n\u201cYou must get an automobile, Rudolph!\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, I might get one on credit\u2014but how about the benzine?\u201d\n\n\nEach Had Its History\n\nA woman lawyer, showing her dresses, said, \u201cIn this dress, my dear\nfriends, I defended the infamous murderer, Muller; in this, the\nwell-known burglar, Schlosser; in this, the clever green-goods man,\nShlapinski; and in this, I represented the Countess Flirtinski, in her\ndivorce suit.\u201d\n\n\nChange of Disposition\n\nA:\u2014\u201cThe young Baron seems a very harmless sort of fellow.\u201d\n\nB:\u2014\u201cNot any more\u2014he bought an automobile yesterday.\u201d\n\n\nTaking Man\u2019s Place\n\nProfessor:\u2014\u201cMy wife tells me that Fr\u00e4ulein Melanie is fairly in love with\nher automobile! Another instance of man being replaced by a machine!\u201d\n\n\nAdding Insult to Injury\n\nDealer (who has just been knocked down by an auto):\u2014\u201cWhat do you think of\nthat Baron! First, he borrows my benzine, and then he runs over me with\nhis automobile!\u201d\n\n\nIt Could Accomplish Much\n\nAutomobile Dealer:\u2014\u201cI can recommend this motor of twelve horsepower; with\nit you can run over the largest furniture van with ease.\u201d\n\n\nIll-Luck\n\n\u201cWhy was your marriage put off?\u201d\n\n\u201cBecause when we autoed to be wedded, we ran over the magistrate who was\nto tie the knot.\u201d\n\n\nModern Alternative\n\n\u201cPapa, now let me tell you; either you buy me an auto, or I\u2019ll use you as\nthe comic character in my new novel.\u201d\n\n\nThe Lesser Danger\n\nBrakeman (to couple walking on the ties):\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t you know that it is not\nonly forbidden, but very dangerous, to walk on the ties?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, but not nearly so dangerous as on the highway with all those red\ndevils running about.\u201d\n\n\nExtended Payments\n\n\u201cAutomobile all right\u2014well built!\u2014How much?\u201d\n\n\u201cSeven thousand, five hundred marks.\u201d\n\n\u201cYearly payments?\u201d\n\n\u201cYes, sir.\u201d\n\n\u201cGood! I\u2019ll take the auto with me! I\u2019ll pay one hundred marks per annum.\nMy father and grandfather both lived to be over seventy!\u201d\n\n\nMuch in Demand\n\n\u201cJohann, has my husband returned from his auto ride?\u201d\n\n\u201cNo, gracious lady, and the third policeman has just been here, asking\nfor him.\u201d\n\n\nA Modern Dowry\n\nFather (to his daughter\u2019s fianc\u00e9e):\u2014\u201cBesides the necessary outfit, we can\ngive our daughter only an automobile, a piano, and a camera!\u201d\n\n\nA Polite Gentleman\n\n\u201cHow did you come to buy an auto?\u201d\n\n\u201cWell, it happened this way. I wanted to get some delicatessen for\nsupper, but made a mistake in the shop door and got into an automobile\nplace, and as I didn\u2019t want to be so impolite and go off without buying\nsomething, I just took an auto.\u201d\n\n\nAn Obedient Patient\n\nShe:\u2014\u201cWhat does this mean? You just consulted the doctor about your\ncatarrh and here you sit and drink beer all day long!\u201d\n\nHe (smiling cunningly):\u2014\u201cWell, you see the doctor forbid my smoking dry.\u201d\n\n\nA Bad Position\n\n\u201cIf the Baron has so many debts, why doesn\u2019t he find a wealthy wife?\u201d\n\n\u201cAh, but his debts are so many that one wife wouldn\u2019t do any good at\nall!\u201d\n\n\nLaconic\n\nYoung Lawyer:\u2014\u201cWas a client here?\u201d\n\nClerk:\u2014\u201cOne, I think, during the dinner hour; your overcoat is missing.\u201d\n\n\nThe Life-Saver\n\nHousemaid (rushing into the artist\u2019s studio):\u2014\u201cFor heaven\u2019s sake, Herr\nPempe, hide yourself\u2014or go away for a time at once! A while ago there\nwere six or eight gentlemen here, who said they were the \u2018hanging\ncommittee\u2019 and wanted you! I had hard work to get rid of them, but they\nare coming back soon!\u201d\n\n\nNo Danger\n\n\u201cI hope your lawyer is not going to let the District-attorney intimidate\nher!\u201d\n\n\u201cGoodness, no! She is his mother-in-law!\u201d\n\n\nInexperienced\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cWhat did you do with yourself, dear, while I was at the club?\u201d\n\nWife:\u2014\u201cI was very industrious, I mended all those horrid holes in your\nlion and tiger skins.\u201d\n\nHusband:\u2014\u201cWhy my dear child, what were you thinking of! Those holes were\nmy greatest pride; they represented my best shots!\u201d\n\n\nCautious\n\nCashier:\u2014\u201cTo make you feel perfectly secure, I\u2019ll present you with my\nphotograph.\u201d\n\nBanker:\u2014\u201cHaven\u2019t you one without a beard?\u201d\n\n\nNot so Bad as Painted\n\nMalicious Painter:\u2014\u201cJust think, I received three orders for portraits\nto-day!\u201d\n\nFriend:\u2014\u201cThere, now you see, people are not as bad as you paint them.\u201d\n\n\nAn Indirect Cure\n\nDoctor:\u2014\u201cWell, you seem to be quite well again! Did you take my pills\nevery day?\u201d\n\nCountryman:\u2014\u201cOh, yes, I took them all right. You see, it was this way,\ndoctor. My black hen got at the box of pills and ate them all up. So I\nkilled the hen and ate her, and so I got well again.\u201d\n\n\nA Practical Savings-bank\n\n\u201cIf I take my cod-liver oil nicely, mother always gives me five pfennig.\u201d\n\n\u201cAnd what do you do with so much money?\u201d\n\n\u201cOh, mother puts it into my bank and buys more cod-liver oil with it.\u201d\n\n\nAnonym Did It\n\nBoy (to his father in a picture gallery):\u2014\u201cFather, what kind of a painter\nis this \u2018Anonym\u2019 whose name is mentioned so often in the catalogue?\u201d\n\nFather:\u2014\u201cWhat a foolish boy you are! Anonym is a foreign word and means\nthat the painter wishes to be unknown for the present.\u201d\n\nFather (at home, several hours later):\u2014\u201cIt is perfectly dreadful the way\nyou children meddle with everything; there is no end to your mischief!\nNow my beautiful meerschaum pipe has been broken. Who did it?\u201d\n\nBoy:\u2014\u201cAnonym, father!\u201d\n\n\nA Good Example\n\nMother:\u2014\u201cRemember, Franz, it is very naughty to lean on your elbows as\nyou are doing just now.\u201d\n\nFranz (pointing at a picture of the Sistine Madonna hanging in the\nroom):\u2014\u201cOh, but mother, those two angels there are doing the same thing.\u201d\n\n\nPride of Birth\n\nLittle Baroness:\u2014\u201cWhen people die they go to heaven, do they not? and\nwhen a child dies it goes to heaven too\u2014\u2014\u201d\n\nBaroness:\u2014\u201cAnd is called an angel.\u201d\n\nLittle Baroness:\u2014\u201cBut, mamma, if one of us should die we would be called\n\u2018von angel,\u2019 of course?\u201d\n\n\nLogic\n\nChild:\u2014\u201cMamma is it true that people are made of dust?\u201d\n\nMother:\u2014\u201cYes, my dear.\u201d\n\nChild:\u2014\u201cAre the negroes made of coal-dust, then?\u201d\n\n\nThe Wrong Way\n\nA teacher took an apple from one of the pupils, and after awhile,\nbelieving himself unnoticed, ate it. The pupil began to cough. \u201cWhat is\nthe matter with you,\u201d asks the teacher.\n\n\u201cWhy, my apple went down the wrong way, sir.\u201d\n\n\nA Good Excuse\n\nMother (to her six year old son):\u2014\u201cFritz, how did this happen? Your new\ntrousers have already several holes in them!\u201d\n\nFritz:\u2014\u201cOh, but mother, you can\u2019t expect me to be always looking out for\nwhat goes on behind my back!\u201d","title":"German wit and humor : $b A collection from various sources classified under appropriate subject headings","tradition":"myth-cosmogony","translated_text":null,"word_count":48348}